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Suffolk men rejoice at opening of ‘the perfect pub’

The Editor
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Suffolk men rejoice at opening of ‘the perfect pub’
Suffolk men rejoice at opening of ‘the perfect pub’
Suffolk men rejoice at opening of ‘the perfect pub’

IPSWICH, SUFFOLK – Ipswich pubgoers are raising their glasses in celebration at the grand opening of a new ‘perfect pub’ – the ‘John Thomas’.

By Consumer Correspondent: Colin Allcabs

The establishment, named after an extremely well-endowed 15th Century Englishman, is being celebrated for its innovative ‘bloke-friendly’ bar design which allows patrons to pour their own pints from customer-facing taps, revolutionizing the traditional pub experience.

But it’s not just the self-service beer taps that have punters lining up their tenners with excitement. The John Thomas bar also has urinals conveniently attached to the front of the counter. Offering patrons the unique opportunity to urinate and enjoy a pint …AT THE SAME TIME!

Pull & piss

Local men have welcomed the innovation with glee. Gone are the days of drunkenly navigating crowded pub toilets or queuing for the loo between rounds; at the John Thomas. Patrons can ‘pull and piss’ without stopping to wash their hands.

The perfect pub

Landlord, Barry Brewer, expressed delight at the overwhelmingly positive response to the unconventional bar layout. “We wanted to create a space where customers could enjoy a truly immersive drinking experience,” he explained. “With the beer taps at their fingertips and the convenience of on-the-spot urinals, we believe we’ve achieved just that. Sales have gone through the roof!”

Visitors at the John Thomas have wasted no time in making themselves at home. Relishing the opportunity to enjoy a leisurely pint without ever having to lose their place at the bar.

As word of the pub’s unique amenities spreads,. the John Thomas looks likely to become a fixture of the local drinking scene.

Stool joke

Amidst the rambunctious pub atmosphere, one question remained on the lips of the punters … now that the gents’ toilets are redundant, what are they going to do with the stools?

Meanwhile: Pensioner locked in loo for four days, knits scarf

Shy Suffolk Emergency Service staff to receive ‘assertiveness training’

The Editor
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Shy Suffolk Emergency Service staff to receive ‘assertiveness training’
Shy Suffolk Emergency Service staff to receive ‘assertiveness training’

BURY ST EDMUNDS, SUFFOLK – Emergency service crews in Stanton and Barningham, near Bury St Edmunds, are set to undergo assertiveness training following reports of awkward encounters with shy personnel.

By Norfolk Reporter: Ian Bred

Concerned members of the public have raised alarms after witnessing firemen.and police officers attending traffic accidents and house fires with their backs turned, seemingly too shy to face the public.

The incidents, described as ‘awkward’ by witnesses, have left onlookers ill at ease. As emergency responders coyly mumble their instructions and carry out their duties with an air of doubt and timidity.

In one particularly bizarre case, a fireman was spotted extinguishing a house fire. While facing away from the flames with his hose over his shoulder, apparently too bashful to confront the inferno head-on.

Grow a pair

In response to the strange bout of stage fright. Authorities have announced plans to provide assertiveness training for all frontline personnel. The training will aim to boost confidence levels and equip emergency responders,.with the necessary skills to engage with the public in a more assertive manner. Training techniques are said to include: role-playing going on a first date and reciting poetry in front of an audience.

Next level emergency service

While the initiative has been met with scepticism from some quarters. With critics arguing that shyness is hardly a desirable trait in emergency service workers. Officials are hopeful that the training will help to address the issue.

In the meantime, residents are advised to exercise patience and understanding when interacting with timid emergency responders. Bearing in mind that even the bravest among us may occasionally suffer from a case of the jitters.

New Pringles ‘Penis Cheese’ flavour: a taste that’s hard to swallow

The Editor
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New Pringles ‘Penis Cheese’ flavour: a taste that’s hard to swallow
New Pringles ‘Penis Cheese’ flavour: a taste that’s hard to swallow
New Pringles ‘Penis Cheese’ flavour: a taste that’s hard to swallow

SNACKS AISLE, ASDA – Pringles, the beloved snack brand known for its inventive flavours, has sparked outrage with its latest product offering: “Penis Cheese” flavoured Pringles.

The flavour, inspired by the infamous cock-related substance known as smegma. A thick, white, cheesy buildup that can accumulate under the foreskin of the penis, has turned stomachs across the globe.

While some may argue that the snack market has seen it all. Others say the introduction of Penis Cheese-flavored Pringles takes things to a new low.

Suffolk resident Henrietta Pish, 81, chair of the Bury St Edmunds chapter of the campaign group. Residents AGainst Everything (RAGE), expressed her disgust at the controversial marketing ploy. “I am absolutely appalled by this filthy gimmick,” she declared. “After all, I much prefer a nice, mild Edam cheese to a pungent cock cheese any day of the week!”

Fromage fiasco

The announcement has also ignited a firestorm of criticism on social media. With many users questioning the morals of the marketing team behind the decision. Some have even called for a boycott of the brand.

Fearing that the introduction of such a controversial flavour could irreparably tarnish Pringles’ reputation as a family-oriented sharing brand.

All new cheese Pringles

Despite the uproar, Pringles remains defiant, insisting that the Penis Cheese flavour is simply the first in a pipeline of genital hygiene-based flavours such as ‘Fish and pickle’, or ‘Dijon Discharge’.

Whether the controversial new cheese flavour will find a place alongside classics like “Chile Con Queso” and “Cheddar and Sour Cream” or be relegated to the annals of snack history remains to be seen.

Meanwhile: Surgeon’s ‘Double d*ck’ cock-up ends up in court

KYC and AML: What You Should Know Before Buying Crypto

The Editor
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KYC and AML: What You Should Know Before Buying Crypto

The crypto market is showing dynamics and growth in 2024. Many strive to buy popular assets such as Bitcoin and Ethereum, as well as promising altcoins and meme coins. Is there anything we must know before investing in digital assets? Besides a basic understanding of crypto volatility and the ability to read crypto charts, newcomers should also grasp the onboarding process.

KYC and AML: What You Should Know Before Buying Crypto

When you first decide to buy cryptocurrencies and sign up on a crypto exchange, you might be surprised to find that you’re required to provide personal data. This step is crucial, not merely for formality’s sake but because it ensures the exchange adheres to stringent regulatory requirements. This compliance aims to safeguard users from illegal actions and maintain the financial system’s integrity. Such measures fall under AML (anti-money laundering) and KYC (know your customer) regulations.

KYC and AML Compliance

KYC and AML are essential for anyone engaging with cryptocurrencies. KYC is the process through which exchanges verify the identities of their clients. It’s a critical step to prevent fraud and ensure that users are who they claim to be. KYC procedure is what you are required to do when registering on a crypto exchange.

AML involves a series of protocols aimed at detecting and preventing the flow of illegally obtained money through the financial system. The global regulator overseeing these processes is the Financial Action Task Force (FATF). It sets international standards for Virtual Asset Service Providers (VASPs), including crypto exchanges. You might have seen such tools as Bitcoin AML check on crypto platforms. Using these checkers, you can determine whether a coin or a wallet was involved in any illegal financial scheme.

How to Stay Informed About AML in Crypto

AML and KYC rules vary across different countries and are subject to frequent updates. Here are a few recommendations on how to stay up to date:

  • Follow regulatory bodies. Keeping an eye on the announcements from regulatory agencies in your country can provide first-hand information on changes in AML and KYC requirements.
  • Crypto news platforms. Subscribe to reputable crypto news websites and newsletters that cover regulatory updates and compliance guidelines.
  • Online communities. Forums and social media platforms can be excellent resources for insights and updates shared by a global community of crypto enthusiasts.
  • Educational resources. Many crypto exchanges and financial platforms offer resources and webinars on compliance and regulatory changes.

Before buying cryptocurrencies, understanding AML and KYC compliance is crucial. Compliance with these standards is not optional but a foundational requirement to operate legally in the global market.

Identity politics: is it a load of old rubbish?

The Editor
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Identity politics: is it a load of old rubbish?
Identity politics: is it a load of old rubbish?
Identity politics: is it a load of old rubbish?

IPSWICH, SUFFOLK – A narcissistic blue wheelie bin located behind a fried chicken shop in Ipswich town centre has sparked controversy by boldly identifying as a green wheelie bin.

Political Correspondent: Polly Ticks

The (previously) blue wheelie bin, has taken the bold step of asserting its new identity, with the words “I identify as a green wheelie bin” defiantly scrawled across its surface in permanent marker.

The unconventional declaration has left its owner, Mustafa Hafafa, Manager of ‘Muhafafa Fried Chicken’ on Silent Street, Ipswich, unsure of how to handle the refuse container’s newfound sense of self. Blue wheelie bins are traditionally designated for recyclable waste (plastic crap), while green bins are reserved for organic (chicken) and glass (coke bottles) materials. Yet, this particularly annoying bin seems determined to challenge societal norms and align itself with a different category altogether.

Spunk or junk?

Speculation abounds regarding the bin’s motives. Is it making a statement in solidarity with gender rights activism, drawing parallels between its own struggle and the struggles of those with gender dysphoria? Or perhaps it’s a nod to the environmental movement, signalling a desire to be associated with green initiatives aimed at sustainability and eco-friendliness.

Blue wheelie bin mystery

Whatever the bin’s intentions may be, its bold assertion has certainly stirred up conversation in the community. Some applaud its courage in defying societal expectations, while others question the need for a bin to have an identity. A third group simply couldn’t give a shit how it identifies.

Regardless, one thing is certain: this blue wheelie bin’s declaration has sparked a colourful discussion about rainbows, chickens, identity, acceptance, and the tendency to over-think simple, previously uncontroversial concepts.

Meanwhile: ‘Wheelie Bin’ sex pest terrorises Lowestoft

Amateur Rider Looking to Outdo the Professionals at Aintree

The Editor
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Amateur Rider Looking to Outdo the Professionals at Aintree
Amateur Rider Looking to Outdo the Professionals at Aintree
Amateur Rider Looking to Outdo the Professionals at Aintree

The Grand National at Aintree has a habit of producing some fairytale storylines, and there could be another this year as amateur rider Gina Andrews is set to feature in the race. She will be taking on 33 professional jockeys when she boards Latenightpass in the marathon contest.

Andrews has had success over the Grand National fences before, as she won the Foxhunters’ Chase on Latenightpass in 2022. She will be hoping her horse can now land the £500,000 top prize in the world’s most famous steeplechase at the Liverpool venue.

Latenightpass Will Be Up Against a Strong Field

The odds for Grand National 2024 are headed by last year’s winner Corach Rambler, who is the 5/1 favourite. Latenightpass is a 25/1 outsider to cause an upset in what is a top-quality field that includes several Grade One winners.

As the horse racing results show, Latenightpass has been victorious in one of his three races so far this season. He won a cross-country chase at Cheltenham back in December. On his latest appearance, he finished fifth of 10 runners at Haydock.

Although Andrews is an amateur rider, she is not short of experience in the saddle. She rides lots of horses for leading trainer Dan Skelton, who currently leads the British Trainers’ Championship standings. 

Andrews will be bidding to become the second female jockey in history to win the race after Rachael Blackmore’s triumph in 2021 onboard Minella Times.

The Dentist Shined at Aintree in 2022

The last amateur jockey to win the Grand National was Sam Waley-Cohen in 2022. In what was his final ride in the sport, the dentist by profession landed the Aintree feature with the Irish horse Noble Yeats.

Waley-Cohen had a tremendous career as an amateur, as he also won the Cheltenham Gold Cup and the King George VI Chase in 2011 with Long Run. He is the last rider to win those two races in the same season.

Noble Yeats will line up in the Grand National again this year but without Waley-Cohen. The dentist will be a keen observer at Aintree, leaving the steering to professional rider Harry Cobden.

Marcus Armytage Broke the Course Record on Mr Frisk

Although many pundits feel Andrews and Latenightpass are up against it at Aintree this year, Marcus Armytage showed in 1990 that magical things can happen at the Merseyside venue. The amateur jockey broke the course record in the race when he prevailed with Mr Frisk, completing the course in a time of 8mins 47secs.

Mr Frisk and Armytage remain the only pair to complete the Grand National in less than nine minutes, despite the race taking place over a longer distance of 4m4f back then. They were helped by fast ground at the course in 1990, but a lot of credit must go to the amateur rider for the confidence he showed in his horse.

If Andrews can add her name to the roll of honor at Aintree this weekend, it will be one of the great storylines in the 185-year history of the race.

Suffolk inventor’s flying car conquers pothole pandemic

The Editor
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Suffolk inventor’s flying car conquers pothole pandemic

PAKEFIELD, SUFFOLK – In a daredevil bid to escape the perilous potholes plaguing Britain’s roads. Jeffrey Schlepp, a 57-year-old resident of Pakefield, Suffolk, has taken matters into his own hands by inventing a revolutionary mode of transportation: the flying car.

Frustrated by the crumbling infrastructure and tire-damaging craters littering Britain’s highways. Schlepp embarked on a mission to design and manufacture a vehicle capable of soaring above the chaos below.

The result? The snappily named “aeronautical auto-flying car plane”. A hybrid marvel equipped with a Robin Reliant engine and powered by an unconventional fuel: flavoured milk.

Flight of fancy

With the ability to take flight after achieving 100mph on the ground. Schlepp’s creation offers a novel solution to the woes of modern road travel. Sporting narrow wings that elegantly fold down along the sides of the car.

The vehicle seamlessly transitions from terrestrial to aerial mode in just two minutes and 15 seconds. A feat witnessed by astonished reporters as Schlepp took to the air and soared above Pakefield suburb.

Describing the experience as “smooth” and “exhilarating,” Schlepp demonstrated the capabilities of his airborne invention. Reaching a cruising speed of 170km/h and boasting a range of 1,000km (600 miles) at an altitude of 8,200ft (2,500m).

Britain’s flying car

The “aeronautical auto-flying car plane” is not merely a mode of transport. But a symbol of resistance in the face of the unstoppable demise of Britain’s crumbling infrastructure.

With the capacity to lift two passengers high above the terrestrial mire that is Britain’s devastated road system. Schlepp’s innovation offers a glimpse into a future where commuters can navigate the skies to evade the perennial pitfalls of the pavement below.

Meanwhile: No more speed bumps will be built after canny councils realised they could leave potholes to slow down traffic instead.

Top ten horse racing tips

The Editor
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Top ten horse racing tips
Top ten horse racing tips
Top ten horse racing tips

By Sports Correspondent: Jock Strapp

Top Ten Horse Racing Tips

  • Place your bets based on the colour of the jockeys’ underwear. It’s as scientific as any other method!
  • Pick the horse that leaves the biggest pile of dung in the paddock. It’s sure to ‘steam’ ahead!
  • Bet on the horse whose name you can pronounce correctly on the first try. It’s a sign of good luck.
  • Select your favourite coloured horse, …as long as it’s brown.
  • Place your bets based on which horse has the most Instagram followers. Clearly, they’re the fans’ favorites.
  • Choose the horse with your lucky number on its saddlecloth. Guaranteed to work – just like the National Lottery.
  • Place your bets based on the horse’s horoscope. If it’s the same as yours, they’re bound to be winners, right?
  • Pick the horse with the fattest owner in the owner’s box. Greed is good!
  • Bet on the horse with the most intricately braided mane. Clearly, they pay attention to detail.
  • Choose the horse with the whinniest neigh. They’ll be chomping at the bit!
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