Pub Landlord who installed sanitary towel machine in men’s toilet ‘taking the p*ss’ say regulars
MEN’s TOILET, GIPPING – Dave Biggle, landlord of the Black Bull pub in Gipping, Suffolk found himself embroiled in a sticky situation after installing a sanitary towel dispensing machine in the MEN’s toilet.
Consumer Correspondent: Colin Allcabs
Twenty stone Biggle defended his decision by claiming it was a practical solution to a peculiar problem. The unsightly “dribble” that some of his male patrons experienced after a few too many pints.
Pub landlord claimed that some of his female customers had suggested the idea. They were repulsed by the sight of men’s ‘piss-stained trousers’ on nights spent at the pub.
Offensive vending machine
Dubbed the “Always Ultra” incident, the introduction of panty liners into the men’s restroom raised dubious eyebrows and sparked debate among regular pub-goers. However, the situation took a turn for the worse when one particularly macho patron took offence to the presence of the ‘girly’ vending machine.
Piss off
Incensed by what Pub landlord perceived as an affront to his masculinity. He took matters into his own hands—or rather, his own fists—and promptly ripped the machine from the wall with a primal roar. Witnesses described the disgruntled patron hurling the offending machine into the nearest lavatory bowl.
Regret of Pub landlord
As Pub landlord, Biggle surveyed the damage, he instantly regretted his decision. In hindsight, perhaps installing a ‘little blue pill’ machine would have been a safer bet.
England Pole Vault Gold “Built on hard work” says champion, Molly Caudery
GLASGOW ARENA – Molly Caudery, the indomitable 23-year-old English pole vaulter, clinched gold at the World Athletics Indoor Championships in Glasgow. Despite a calamitous first attempt that had the crowd gasping and giggling in equal measure.
Sports Correspondent: Jock Strapp
As the pressure mounted and nerves jangled in the electrified atmosphere of the Emirates arena. Molly Caudery approached the vault with the determination of a champion. Little did she know, fate had intervened when a misplaced scaffold pole. Courtesy of some hapless workmen tinkering on the exterior of the arena had found its way inside.
Raise the roof
With the eyes of the world upon her, Caudery’s initial attempt ended not with a triumphant leap. But with a cacophony of clanks and clangs as the rogue pole, selected in error by Caudery, collided with the hurdle and clattered loudly to the ground. To cheers and applause from the supportive audience, Caudery, unhurt in the incident, brushed off the blunder with a shrug and a smile, ready to tackle the next attempt head-on.
Undeterred by the comedic mishap, Molly Caudery rallied with a resilience befitting a champion. Soaring over the bar with grace and precision on her subsequent attempts. As her competitors stumbled and faltered, Caudery stood tall, her determination unwavering, her focus unbreakable.
The real gold
In a heart-pounding finale that had spectators on the edge of their seats. Caudery emerged victorious, securing a well-deserved gold medal and etching her name into the annals of sporting legend. As the cheers of the crowd echoed through the arena, Caudery stood triumphant. A testament to the resilience of the human spirit and the power of perseverance in the face of adversity.
“I’m living my dream,” Caudery told the SUFFOLK GAZETTE. “I honestly can’t believe I’m a world champion in an Olympic year. To go from injury to world level was hard enough. To be a world indoor champion is astonishing to me. It’s not sunk in.”
Of the scaffold pole, a mildly embarassed Caudery said, “My uncle will be laughing at that – he’s a scaffolder!”
The happy ending
In the end, it was not the mishap of a misplaced pole that defined Molly Caudery’s journey to glory. But her unwavering determination, unyielding spirit, and sheer love for the sport. As she stood atop the podium, basking in the glow of her hard-earned victory. Caudery, looking delightful in her lycra sports kit and worker’s hard hat, proved that even in the face of adversity. Dreams can soar to ever greater heights.
IPSWICH TOWN CENTRE – In the heart of Ipswich, a modern art sculpture has become the latest canvas for public commentary, sparking a viral sensation after being adorned with less-than-glowing feedback.
Norfolk Reporter: Ian Bred
A tweet, featuring a snapshot of the statue outside Ipswich Central Station, quickly gained traction as hundreds of amused onlookers weighed in on the graffiti’s blunt assessment: “Fuck is this?”
More diversity
The subject of this artistic critique? None other than the Millennium Milepost, originally unveiled in the year 2000 to aid navigation along the National Cycle Network. With its recent relocation to Dope Street and a fresh makeover in August, the sculpture found itself thrust into the spotlight once again—albeit not in the manner its creators had envisioned.
A spokesperson for Ipswich Arts Council said of the installation: “Artists from across the four countries of the United Kingdom were commissioned to design Millennium Mileposts and more than 1,000 were installed across all corners of the UK.
Following our diversity and inclusivity policy, the artist selected to create our sculpture… was blind.”
Modern art sculpture failure
The Millennium Mileposts were intended to serve as functional landmarks for pedestrians and cyclists alike. Yet, despite their noble purpose, not even these well-intentioned sculptures were immune to Ipswich folk’s unfiltered candour.
Indeed, in a city known for its no-nonsense attitude and straight-talking residents, the graffiti incident served as a blunt reminder of Ipswich’s dry charm. “Brutal… but honest,” remarked one observer, encapsulating the sentiment shared by many.
Perhaps the most observant criticism of all offered on social media was an uncanny comparison to TVs Lisa Simpson, Doh!
Pissing pooch finds missing pedestrian in pub walk pothole
MILDENHA|LL, SUFFOLK – Lager drinker, Kevin Applegate from Mildenhall in Suffolk, found himself stuck in a 5-foot pothole during a drunken stroll home from the pub.
Security Correspondent: Ben Twarters
Applegate, who is unemployed and still lives with his parents, failed to return home after a night at the Horseshoe pub, less than a mile from his home, leading his concerned mother to alert the cops. Despite a half-hearted search effort by emergency services, Applegate remained lost, hidden from view within the grass-covered abyss of his pothole prison.
The growing number of potholes on Suffolk’s roads will be filled with attractive bedding plants in a new initiative by the county council.https://t.co/pXUZQabch5
Would-be rescuers scoured the area in vain and friends and family distributed leaflets offering a £5 reward for information throughout the neighbourhood.
Thirty-six hours later, with hope dwindling for the feckless layabout, Bryan Smelling, a local dog walker out with his faithful companion, Izzy, a Labrador Retriever, inadvertently stumbled upon the scene of Applegate’s misfortune. It was Izzy’s keen nose and full bladder that led Smelling to investigate a peculiar clump of dead brown grass by the roadside that Izzy was using as a toilet. Upon closer inspection, the clump turned out to be none other than Applegate’s unkempt hair.
Pothole & Pub combo
Smelling called 999 and soon rescuers had sprung into action, releasing Applegate from his subterranean nightmare. As he emerged, dishevelled but unharmed, Applegate shook his hair free of dog urine and explained his 36-hour ordeal to reporters.
As for the pothole itself, Suffolk Council says it has added it to the list.
JAMNAGAR, INDIA – Rain-avoiding pop superstar, Rihanna reportedly pocketed a cool £5 million for a controversial performance at the pre-wedding bash for the son of India’s richest man, Mukesh Ambani.
Entertainment Editor: Arthur Pint
The extravagant affair, hosted at a lavish hotel in Jamnagar, boasted a jaw-dropping price tag of £120 million, making it a soirée fit for a billionaire prince.
Rihanna packed money from India
As videos surfaced of Rihanna belting out her hits amidst a sea of dancers and lights, the internet erupted with speculation over the cynical song choices given the occasion. From Kanye West’s “Gold Digger” to Abba’s “Money. Money, Money” the playlist raised more than a few heckles considering the context of the event.
But for ‘Diamonds’ singer, Rihanna, no controversy could overshadow the allure of a hefty paycheck and the chance to rub elbows with the elite. With her partner, US rapper ASAP Rocky, by her side, the pop icon reportedly dazzled guests with a 90-minute set that left wallets lighter and heads spinning.
And while Mukesh Ambani’s pockets may have taken a hit, the billionaire mogul hardly blinked at the expense. With a reported net worth of £90 billion, Ambani’s empire of energy, gas, and telecommunications businesses ensures that even the most extravagant parties are but a drop in the bucket.
Pay me what you owe me, don’t act like you forgot
As whispers circulate of an even grander celebration in July for Anant Ambani’s impending nuptials, it’s clear that for the Ambani family, money is no object when it comes to throwing a party fit for royalty. And with A-list guests ranging from Ivanka Trump to Mark Zuckerberg, the allure of an Ambani extravaganza is enough to entice even the most jaded of partygoers.
Meanwhile, Rihanna’s bank account continues to swell, solidifying her status as one of the world’s wealthiest women despite her musical hiatus. And as she jets off to her next glamorous engagement, one thing remains certain: when Rihanna performs, no price is too high for her adoring fans.
‘Sex Kebab’ adds extra spice to fast food delivery
KESSINGLAND, SUFFOLK – Local fast food delivery joint, “Bab’s Kebabs,” has unveiled its latest mouth-watering creation: the seductive “sex kebab.”
With the enticing promise of “free delivery included,” this provocative dish has quickly become the talk of the town. Sending culinary chemistry through the community.
Described as a tantalizing blend of passion, desire, and a sprinkle of mischief. The “sex kebab” offers patrons an unconventional feast of carnal delights that transcends the boundaries of conventional cuisine. Imagine skewering together various amorous ingredients onto a metaphorical spit. Where the flavours blend and sizzle just like the participants in a scandalous love affair.
“It’s like nothing I’ve ever tasted before,” remarked satisfied customer. Jane Plancton, 32, blushing furiously as she attempted to conceal her guilty pleasure. “One bite, and… ooh la la!”
Pork sword
However, not everyone in Kessingland is embracing the arrival of the “sex kebab” with open arms. Moral crusader, Thomas Crinch, chair of the campaign group Residents AGainst Everything (RAGE) expressed outrage at what he perceives as a brazen promotion of promiscuity under the guise of fast food. “This is an affront to decency and morality!” he declared on behalf of his members, “What’s next I ask you? Orgasmic omelets? Intimate ice cream? It’s a slippery slope, mark my words! WHAAAAT!?”
A pub in West Suffolk has notified neglectful, ‘scummy’ patrons that their unattended children will be served energy drinks and encouraged to swear.https://t.co/5jYmHifJtv
Despite the controversy swirling around “Bab’s Kebabs” and their scandalous new offering. There’s no denying the allure of the “sex kebab” for adventurous diners seeking a cute culinary experience like no other.
Just remember, indulging in this provocative dish may leave you both satiated and skewered, with a side of spicy regret. Bon appétit… and bon voyage to your dignity!
Latvian Postie delivers Brexit rebuke to Suffolk Gammons
PIN MILL, SUFFOLK – A rogue Latvian Postie working in the UK took it upon himself to deliver a scathing rebuke to the Brexiteers who had turned their backs on the European Union.
Armed with a stack of forged missed delivery slips and a sharp tongue. Oktavians Birznieks, an illegal living in Britain since 2011, set out on his mission of mockery. Filling out thousands of slips with biting commentary on Brexit and its aftermath.
Residents who had voted overwhelmingly to leave the EU in the 2016 referendum. Found themselves confronted with letterboxes full of hand-written missives dripping with sarcasm and scorn.
“Sorry we couldn’t deliver Brexit,” the slips read, each one a stinging reminder of broken promises and dashed hopes. “You were lied to,” they proclaimed, “the good old days of Great Britain before foreigners came never existed.”
Hair mail
Mullet-headed Postie Birznieks, 42, a fully signed up Remoaner, believed he was delivering a righteous comeuppance to those who had championed Brexit. However, those voters who took pleasure in sticking up two fingers to Brussels in 2016. Claim that the Latvian had failed to fully appreciate the potential positive benefits. That could yet emerge from the UK’s departure from ‘Europe’.
“Greater flexibility,” “increased opportunities for growth,” “innovation and adaptation” — these were the Brexit benefits that Birznieks had overlooked in his vengeful campaign say the leaver locals.
Postie Saga
While Postie Birznieks’ act of defiance may have provided temporary catharsis for some. It ultimately served as a reminder that amidst the chaos and controversy of Brexit, there are always potential opportunities for growth and change.
As the sun set over the tranquil waters of the River Orwell, and the delivery slips were unceremoniously dumped in the trash, the residents of Pin Mill were left to ponder the true cost of Brexit — both in missed deliveries and possibly, missed opportunities.
Ipswich Town, competing in the Championship for the first time in five years, are battling it out at the top end of the table, currently sitting pretty in third spot.
The Tractors Boys are looking for back-to-back promotions and if their on-field performances are anything to go by they have an excellent chance of getting there. They’ve caused quite a stir amongst football fans rising steadily to the top end of the table as they fight for one of the automatic promotion slots currently held by Leicester and Leeds. Odds wise betting sites like Irishbettingsites.ie have given them some great odds on automatic promotion, but as with all betting, this doesn’t mean it’s a certainty.
In their previous five games, Ipswich has won four (two at Portman Road and two on the road) and drawn one (a 2-2 home draw against promotion-chasing West Brom) taking an impressive 13 points from 15 in a successful streak. But with 12 matches still to play, is it anyone’s game?
Upcoming game – Ipswich Town vs Bristol City
On Tuesday 5th March, Ipswich Town will welcome Bristol City to Portman Road for an enticing and eagerly anticipated match. The Tracker Boys need a win and will be hoping that Leeds drop points against Stoke in order to claim second spot.
Bristol City and Ipswich Town have a football rivalry known to all, with it starting with their first clash in 1920 – every time they meet it’s an intense atmosphere for fans on either side and one not to be missed! Historically, bragging rights have been even between the two sides.
However, Ipswich is expected to win this match because they are placed third on the table and Bristol sits comfortably at twelfth, unable to challenge for promotion but safe from relegation. The home side will be hoping for an easy win but Bristol will want to show their fans that they aren’t there to make up the numbers, so expect them to come out roaring.
Why are Ipswich Town doing so well?
There are a few different reasons fans believe Ipswich is suddenly flying to the top of the table including their earlier investments and their manager: Kieran McKenna.
In the previous season (22-23, League 1), the team made multiple smart investments which have paid off this season, bringing in players from the Championship such as Leif Davis who left Leeds to become Ipswich left-back for the hefty price of £1.20m and Dominic Ball who left QPR in the Championship. Investing in a Championship level team before moving up to this level themselves meant that they were ahead of the game and hit the league running.
The other major reason for their recent success is manager Kieran McKenna. McKenna has masterminded their tactics this season and despite being one of the youngest managers his reputation has only grown since his time with Ipswich Town and we’re sure he’ll keep growing with the team. Ipswich generally seeks to play out from the back before with line-breaking passes into space. This season’s Opta stats show a distinct improvement in the speed and direct nature of their forward play.
McKenna was a coach at Tottenham Hotspur Academy before moving on to coaching the under-18s at Manchester United and then he became the assistant manager to José Mourinho at Manchester United – he’s got plenty of experience and a lot to offer.
The Premier League
It’s obvious that McKenna and the team want to make it into the Premier League, securing a back-to-back promotion, but can they do it?
Interest in the club has skyrocketed since their new-found success in the Championship, with them making it into the top 3, hoping to grab an automatic promotion slot at the top.
After that incredible flick from Chaplin in their last game, it feels like anything could happen. It only takes a few unexpected results and the table can flip within only a few games. With Leicester unexpectedly dropping points against Middlesborough and Leeds, even the top spot is potentially up for grabs.
The Tracker Boys are brimming with enthusiasm and apply pressure on the top teams – they have a good chance to take first or second and make it into the Premier League next year.
However, throughout the season, there have been some worries from fans and critics alike that the team may be out of its depth in the Championship, unprepared for the higher-level teams and the challenge they will provide. Still, they are coping well with the stress of a higher league as shown by their place in third next to Southampton and Leeds, both previous Premier League teams.
Ipswich has increased in popularity in areas such as Northern Ireland and if you’re Irish, a fan of Ipswich Town, and like betting then why not add some more fun by betting on Ipswich for their upcoming games or even for the Championship outcome at the website.
