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Norwich relegation campaign begins

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Norwich relegation campaign begins

Excitement is mounting in Norfolk as Norwich City’s relegation campaign kicks off this weekend with a bottom-of-the-table clash against mighty Crystal Palace.

The Canaries are confident of finishing in the bottom three after their play-off victory at Wembley in May.

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And cocky Norwich fans are sure their plucky Carrow Road heroes won’t let them down.

Dwayne Pipe, who lives in Great Yarmouth with his sister and their two young children, boasted: “If we play to our true potential, we’ll definitely go down.

“In manager Alex Neil we have a man who will be able to restrict Chelsea, Arsenal and Manchester City to scoring just five goals against us. And the likes of Liverpool will be lucky to get three.”

Norwich fans enjoy a close family party held to celebrate relegation

Club owner Delia Smith is sure her team will cook up a relegation treat. A pal said: “She loves a relegation battle and can’t wait to get started.

“Delia is a wise old bird. She knows being in the bottom three puts the club in the spotlight, and that can only be a good thing.”

Delia looks forward to the drop

Defeat at home against Palace will set up the relegation campaign nicely, with the south Londoners’ new striker – ex-Ipswich Town star Connor Wickham – expecting to get a hattrick.

Meanwhile, Ipswich, who are Norwich’s bigger East Anglian neighbours, begin their season with a Championship trip to one of the country’s biggest clubs, Brentford.

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Suffolk faces Norfolk-bumpkin migrant crisis

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Suffolk faces Norfolk-bumpkin migrant crisis

Exclusive
By Doug Trench
Defence Editor

Suffolk is being hit by a terrifying wave of migrants trying to reach the county from neighbouring Norfolk.

Thousands of desperate Norfolk country bumpkins are attempting to cross the border near Diss to escape horrific conditions near Norwich.

Suffolk police have had to implement Operation Kack, parking up thousands of lorries on the A140 because the border is currently too dangerous to cross.

Makeshift camps have been set up around Dickleburgh and Scole, where the desperate bumpkins are gathering before making daring attempts to get into Suffolk every night.

Their efforts are extremely dangerous, with three having been killed falling into a village pond at Stuston, and another impaling himself on a plough near Hoxne.

Two migrants wait for their chance at an illegal camp near Scole

Now worried north Suffolk residents want the army called in to secure the area and prevent picturesque towns such as Bungay, Halesworth and Stowmarket from being overrun by foreigners.

Nettie Kirtons, 57, from Beccles, said: “It’s awful that these people think they can just come to our county and then take all our benefits. And blocking the A140 means we can’t go on our holidays to Norfolk. It’s a disgrace”

But humanitarian charities defended the right for peasant folk from Norfolk to travel south. Tristan Dew-Goodie of the charity Norfolk ‘N Way, insisted the migrants should be treated with respect.

He said: “They live in desperate conditions in Norfolk under a strict regime of peasant farming and being force-fed mustard. It’s not so much insular as it is backward – we need to recognise they should be allowed to seek out a better life.”

The Suffolk Gazette infiltrated Norfolk last night to discover conditions that Norfolk bumpkins are being forced to live in.

Before long we met Edna Spratt in her hovel in Dereham.

What a hovel: Edna Spratt in Dereham

Miss Spratt, who lives in her hovel with her brother and their 14 children, said: “Conditions here are terrible. We want to go to Suffolk and enjoy a better life. We will be there soon.”

Suffolk police now fear the migrants will abandon their attempts to cross into Suffolk via the A140, and are stepping up patrols on the Suffolk coast to prevent those trying to get in by boat.

They have also increased manpower in Beccles, Bungay and Lowestoft to watch out for stolen boats coming south via the Broads river network.

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Posh Aldeburgh seagulls are role models

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Posh Aldeburgh seagulls are role models

By Peter Grimes, Aldeburgh Correspondent

The Government plans to solve the national seagull crisis by learning lessons from the posh and well-mannered Aldeburgh seagulls.

Boffins have noticed how the seagulls in the genteel Suffolk seaside town are extremely polite and quiet.

They keep their distance from locals and well-heeled tourists, and only accept a snack of a tasty vol-au-vent, canape or dollop of foie gras if it is offered to them.

The exemplary behaviour of the Aldeburgh seagulls is in stark contrast to the screeching, evil, murderous gulls terrorising people and pets across the rest of Britain.

Aldeburgh seagulls.

Reports of seagulls attacking humans, killing dogs, pecking the eyes out of young children, stealing cars and removing the wheels from pensioners’ wheelchairs have hit fever-pitch in recent weeks.

The Prime Minister has instructed his team to study the Aldeburgh seagulls and see how their genes can be spread to the rest of the gull population – because they are the perfect “role model”.

But locals in Aldeburgh said the local gulls only behaved well because they copied townsfolk.

Lady Lorraine Fisher, 34, who lives on the seafront, said: “We are all made from the right stock here in Aldeburgh. The way we go about our business is reflected by the local wildlife.

“The gulls see how we behave and copy us. As a result they are respectful, quiet, polite, and do not steal. They also think they are better than the gulls anywhere else in our country.

“If the Prime Minister wants seagulls elsewhere to do the same thing, he has to make sure the rest of the human population tries to be just a little bit like us as well.”

Face of John Wark to appear on five pound note

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Ipswich Town legend John Wark is to be the unlikely new face of the five pound note.

The free-scoring midfielder’s trademark moustache is seen as impossible to copy and so ideal for use on a banknote.

Bank of England officials had wanted to introduce Winston Churchill to the fiver, but the Serious Fraud Office objected to the design, believing it was easy to counterfeit.

A leaked report from the SFO claimed Churchill’s face was “too simple” and the note could be forged “by an eight year old with a biro, and not even a particularly clever eight year old”.

Attention turned to Wark, who also played for Scotland and Liverpool, because his facial hair was impossible to copy. A petition was then backed by the SFO.

Wark, 57, was born in Glasgow, but moved to Suffolk when he decided he wanted to achieve something. He won the FA Cup with Ipswich in 1978 and was then part of the 1981 Ipswich Town UEFA Cup-winning side which has been commemorated on the staff uniforms at Las Vegas’ new Suffolk-themed casino.

He is also a big screen legend, having played a leading role in the epic World War Two film Escape to Victory.

John Wark celebrates another goal as Mick Mills falls over behind him

The choice of Wark to replace prison reformer Elizabeth Fry highlights the Bank of England’s move towards more recognisable figures on banknotes.

In a Suffolk Gazette survey, 82% said they could not name Fry when shown a five pound note, even when it was pointed out that her name is signed underneath her picture.

Reaction to the news was positive. “I think John Wark does deserve it more than Churchill,” said Michael Farrant, an electrician from Stowmarket.

“Britain had won lots of wars before Churchill came along, but Ipswich had never won the UEFA Cup until John Wark showed up.”

But lifelong Town fan Jane Pryor was less impressed, calling the five pound note plans “too little, too late” and “derisory”.

“I think he deserves to be on a higher denomination,” said Pryor.

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John Lennon to give peas a chance

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John Lennon to give peas a chance

Exclusive
By Ivor Traktor
Farming Correspondent (intern)

The Suffolk Pea Farmers Association has created an advertising campaign based on one of John Lennon’s greatest hits.

Give Peace a Chance has sold millions since 1969, but now it will be changed to Give Peas a Chance in a bid to boost sales of the tasty green vegetable.

Association chairman Derek Pod, who farms near Hollesley, said: “John Lennon was known to be a great eater of peas from his early days with The Beatles.

“We’ve taken one of his best songs and adapted it to encourage more people to do the same.

“Now ‘All we are saying, give peas a chance’, a very catchy jingle, will feature on television and radio adverts from September.”

The £5 million advertising campaign has special blessing from the Lennon family, who are keen to promote healthy eating. Lennon was shot dead in New York in 1980.

John Lennon promotes healthy food

The Suffolk Gazette has come up with some other Beatles and Lennon hits that Suffolk farmers could use to promote their crops:

– Hay Tripper

– Eight Days a Leek

– I Should Have Known Butter

– While My Guitar Gently Sheeps

– Twist and Sprout

– Let it Bean

– Lucy in the Sty with Diamonds

– Hay Jude

Got any more? Email beatlesfarmsongs@suffolkgazette.com

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Bungling robbers raid sperm bank

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Bungling robbers raid sperm bank

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Reporter

Two men who attempted to rob a sperm bank were today labelled Britain’s dumbest criminals.

The pair burst into the Suffolk Sperm Bank building in Ipswich expecting to grab cash and jewellery – but instead they found only desposits of a different kind.

Police collared the disappointed-looking pair as they attempted to escape clutching nothing more than a few pornographic magazines.

Detective Inspector Paul Hood told the Suffolk Gazette: “The two men were Eastern European and had clearly recognised the word ‘bank’ on the signs outside the building.

“But they evidently had no idea that a sperm bank was something very different.

“Armed with a lead pipe, they burst in through the front door, and CCTV pictures from inside the building clearly show them scratching their heads as they wondered where all the safes containing money were.

‘Pull it off’

“Rather than rows of cashiers behind security screens and hundreds of thousands of pounds, they were confronted with nothing more than a receptionist and a few embarrassed-looking men.

“They probably still hoped to pull it off, but the building’s alarm went off. We arrested the bungling robbers as they tried to run off up Tavern Street.”

Bungling robbers raid sperm bank

Det Insp Hood said two men, aged 27 and 31, had been charged with attempted robbery and would appear before Ipswich magistrates in the morning. One was named locally last night as Jack Meoff.

No-one in the bank was hurt, although the receptionist was said to be “shocked”.

A spokesman for the Suffolk Sperm Bank said: “We are very grateful to the police for taking this in hand. Our receptionist was worried these men would take out their weapons and put their empty sack on the table in front of her.

“You could say that it turned into a bit of an anti-climax for the robbers.”

Don’t travel to Haverhill, Brits warned

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Don’t travel to Haverhill, Brits warned

By Hugh Dunnett

The Foreign Office has warned British holidaymakers not to travel to Haverhill because of a growing threat of disappointment.

Officials have also begun a mass evacuation of those currently stuck in the Suffolk town, putting on a fleet of taxis to take them home.

Although once a settlement around at the time of the Domesday book, Haverhill was identified as a London overspill town in the 1960s.

And now it has little in common with the neighbouring sleepy towns of Suffolk, like Bury St Edmunds and Lavenham.

Government officials have recognised disappointment for British tourists is “highly likely” and they have ordered them all to leave.

haverhill-church

Even the local church admits to disappointment issues

A Foreign Office spokesman said: “Haverhill was once a great place to visit for curious tourists who wanted to try somewhere a little different.

“But new information from our security services indicate we can no longer guarantee a lack of disappointment.

“For this reason alone, we are ordering everyone to leave, and go to the coast instead, where the likes of Aldebrugh, Orford or Southwold are waiting.”

However, holidaymakers heading instead to Aldeburgh and Southwold were warned to avoid the police tanks parked at the entrances to the towns to keep the commoners away.

It is thought there are currently 27 British holidaymakers stuck in Haverhill, mostly staying in the town’s bed and breakfasts. Officials were today desperately trying to contact them and reassure relatives they were safe.

Haverhill businesses who rely on visitors were furious at the Foreign Office.

“This is just giving in to the moaners,” said Baz Cockney, who runs a pie and mash cafe in the town centre. “We are not in the least bit disappointing, guv’nor.”

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PC Plod forced to change name

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PC Plod forced to change name

EXCLUSIVE
By Rob Banks
Crime Editor

A policeman has been forced to change his name by deed poll after being ridiculed on the street for years.

Chris Plod, from Letsby Avenue, Ipswich was fed up with being a real-life PC Plod, which made him a target for local pranksters.

“Wherever I went on patrol in my size ten boots, school kids would point and shout, ‘Here comes PC Plod’.

“It was very upsetting.

“People would not take me seriously. I am meant to be a figure of authority, not a figure of fun.”

image
PC Plod

After permission from his bosses at Suffolk Police, Mr Plod, 27, has now changed his name to save his blushes.

He will now be known as PC Nick Copper.

“I’m much happier now,” he told the Suffolk Gazette.

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