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Desert island paradise for Ipswich

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EXCLUSIVE
By Ruth Tyler
Property Correspondent

A Dubai-style beach resort is being planned for a derelict island on Ipswich Waterfront, the Suffolk Gazette can reveal today.

Developers believe the ambitious project, including upmarket hotels, golden sands and even a giant wave machine will transform Ipswich into the UK’s premier beach holiday destination.

The proposal, shown exclusively to the Suffolk Gazette, would be part of the £100million wet dock crossing scheme that aims to reduce crippling town traffic and develop the waterfront Island site for leisure use.

Detailed plans show a 20-acre island paradise made up of four exclusive hotels, with private beaches and palm trees.

A wave machine would be installed at the mouth of the New Cut just alongside the tidal barrier. Costing £50million, it would be the largest in Europe and likely be a big hit with paddlers and surfers alike.

Mr Tony Trimble, CEO of Suffolk Island Enterprise said: “We’re very excited. We’re not talking about a temporary sand pit like the ones seasonally shoved on the shores of the Thames near Tower Bridge, or in the centre of Bury St Edmunds.

“Using the latest technology, these will be beautiful beaches with golden sands and coral lagoons. It will feel like you are in Dubai, not Ipswich.”

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A grey part of Ipswuch Waterfront would go from this…

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… to a beautiful beach paradise like those found in Dubai

Most of the upmarket island retreat would be reserved for the rich and famous looking for cheaper alternatives to Caribbean beach hotels, but Ipswich people have been assured there will be a place in the sun for them.

“Yes – well sort of,” Mr Trimble said.

“A smaller communal north-facing beach area at the Stoke Bridge end will be split off from the rest.

“And while that may be less glamorous, Suffolk holidaymakers will still be able to enjoy donkey rides, ice-creams and sandcastles. Planning permission will also be sought for 30 beach huts.”

Mr Trimble said he was “unconcerned” about suggestions that the island resort would have a negative knock-on effect on the Felixstowe tourist trade.

“Let’s face it, Felixstowe – like Aldeburgh and Southwold – will eventually go the same way as Dunwich. It will be eroded away by the sea before long.

“Ipswich needs to literally step up to the water mark now and prepare itself as East Anglia’s – if not the UK’s – premier beach location.”

Hotter than Felixstowe

Ipswich tourist chiefs feel that the town’s inland location is a big plus as it is usually a few degrees hotter than Felixstowe. They are also buoyed by news that the Ipswich seagull population already surpasses its coastal neighbours.

A retail consortium representing the town centre’s 14 pound shops are gearing up for a booming tourist trade and are looking to stock up on cut-price beach wear, buckets and spades.

A spokeswoman said: “Our suppliers in the Far East have already created a 99p bikini and a snorkel for a pound.”

And the local Chamber of Commerce is confident the scheme would provide a huge boost to job hunters looking to become deck chair wardens or Punch and Judy puppeteers.

Fears by nearby Felaw Street residents that the island would turn into a tacky drink-fuelled , sex-crazed 18-30 Ibiza-styled resort have also been allayed.

“Remember, this is mainly going to be a selective resort,” Mr Trimble insisted. “If people want sleaze and tack then we will sign-post them to Great Yarmouth.”

The beach island will be the first of its kind in the UK, although the Suffolk Gazette understands that a similar scheme is being considered for Coventry.

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Woman shamed by jigsaw puzzle gaffe

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A woman has been ridiculed on Facebook for boasting it took her only 10 months to complete a jigsaw that clearly stated “from two to five years” on the box.

Chelsea Gooch, 24, from Essex, was convinced she would win the admiration of her friends after completing the 50-piece puzzle, which showed a picture of a teddy bear, in “record time”.

The blonde-haired executive assistant trainee administrator beauty technician posted a picture of the finished jigsaw on Facebook, adding: “Feeling very special – I managed to finish this puzzle in the record time of just 10 months when the box said it would take from two to five years.”

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However, her thinly-veiled brag backfired spectacularly when it began getting shared around social media, with everyone taking the mickey.

She has since deleted her Facebook account, but news of her gaffe has already been picked up by news sites as far away as Australia.

Chelsea GoochPuzzled: Chelsea Gooch

A spokesman for the Jigsaw Puzzlers Club told the Suffolk Gazette: “It’s perhaps a little unfortunate for Chelsea that she failed to recognise the ‘from two to five years’ on the box was actually the recommended age group for the puzzle, and not how long it should take to complete.

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“But at least her Facebook mistake has raised the profile of jigsaw puzzles around the world.”

Miss Gooch, from Witham, was too upset to speak to the Suffolk Gazette today.

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Suffolk farmer films get-rich-quick scheme

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Exclusive
By Ivor Traktor
Farming Correspondent (intern)

A Suffolk man has found the secret of getting rich quick – buying a farm.

George Frammington discovered that if he bought a farm he could breed something that was made of chicken, could make corn which comes out of the ground, and gets free milk out of a cow.

Mr Frammington, 39, who farms near Mildenhall, said: “You want to make a bit of money? You should do what I did and get into farming.”

He has now made a training video to show just how easy it is to do the same thing, and has kindly allowed the Suffolk Gazette to reproduce it below.

Local National Farmers Union spokesman Mr David Mitchell said: “While we are grateful for Mr Frammington’s video highlighting the wonderful life on a farm, we should point out that it is not as easy to make money as he seems to think.”

Mr Frammington refuted that his video did not truly reflect life running a farm. “The best bit is getting free wool. Did you know this comes from sheep? And best of all it grows back again after you shave it off.

“You simply can’t lose.”

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Mr Magoo fury as car insurance renewal rejected

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By Colin Allcabs
Consumer Correspondent

Suffolk man Mr Quincy Magoo was furious last night after being turned down for his annual car insurance renewal.

The 92-year-old from Woodbridge admits he suffers from nearsightedness, but insists he is still safe on the roads.

But when he asked his grandson to find him a new car insurance deal on some price comparison websites, all the companies turned him down.

“I’ve only had 112 bumps and shunts in my car this year, so that’s not even three a week,” Mr Magoo told the Suffolk Gazette.

“Nobody has ever been seriously hurt, so my eyesight really should not be an issue.”

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Liability: an artist’s impression of Mr Magoo in his car (pic, UPA)

Mr Magoo, who used to work in the film industry for United Productions of America studio in the US, retired to the UK after falling in love with a Suffolk woman whom he met during his national service days at an airbase.

Margaret Magoo, 90, was secretly thankful the car insurance renewal was rejected. “He’s a menace on the road,” she whispered. “Woodbridge will be much safer now, and we can always get a taxi.”

A spokesman for the British Car Insurance Trade Association said: “Quite clearly one of the conditions of getting car insurance is an ability to see. Mr Magoo unfortunately failed all medical checks, and even walked into the optician’s door when we sent him for an assessment.”

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Couple thought bus shelter romp was ‘protected sex’

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By Rob Banks
Crime Editor

An Ipswich couple caught romping in a town centre bus shelter told police they thought they were having protected sex.

Kane Mitchell and Chelsey Smith, both 23, were spotted on CCTV cavorting in the early hours in a shelter at the Tower Ramparts bus station near the town centre.

When officers arrives, Mitchell surprised them by claiming he had been warned to have protected sex, and assumed this meant keeping out of the rain.

All aboard: bus shelter romp stunned police
The randy couple pleaded guilty to outraging public decency when they appeared before Ipswich magistrates on Monday. They were each fined £100 and ordered to pay £50 costs.

Magistrates heard how unemployed Mitchell was caught with his tracksuit bottoms around his ankles, while Smith was pressed up against the inside of the glass wall smoking a cigarette.

A police insider said: “When the patrol interrupted them they couldn’t believe the pair genuinely thought keeping out of the rain was all that was required for protected sex.”

Mum-of-three Smith refused to speak to Suffolk Gazette reporters outside the court, but Mitchell said: “I’m not seeing Chelsey Smith anymore, and my wife is furious.”

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Gareth Malone leads football choir

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Celebrity choir master Gareth Malone is facing his toughest challenge yet – to turn a noisy group of football fans into a commercial success.

The TV favourite, who took the Military Wives Choir to the top of the charts, is working with a bunch of rowdy Ipswich Town supporters for a special BBC series.

He has selected 20 fans from Section 6 of the Sir Bobby Robson Stand, and joined them at the last home game against Preston.

Shall we sing a song for you? Ipswich fans in full voice

Season ticker holder, Warren Mitchell, from Section 5 of the Sir Bobby Robson stand, said: “I sit next to the noisy lot with the drum.

“The lads were singing a tuneful rendition of ‘Ole, ole, ole, ole, we’re the Tractor Boys, gonna make some noise’ – and I’m sure that Gareth bloke was conducting.”

The Suffolk Gazette understands that the singing Town faithful are in the early stages of their musical journey, and that filming will continue up until the Spring. Members of the all-male choir have been told to stay tight-lipped about the project until its completion.

Malone leading an Ipswich fan choir rehearsal

A member of the BBC production crew revealed: “It was Initially a challenge to get the Ipswich fans on board. But after six or seven pints they were warmed up and were a joy to work with.

“We pulled them into a recording studio on the morning after the Preston game. They were a bit hung over, but once we topped them up with a few lagers they were raring to go again, and did the business in a few takes.”

Asked why Mr Malone, 40, wanted to take on the challenge, the insider said: “Gareth has always been interested in how much everyone enjoys singing en masse at football matches with no thought of their own musical ability.

“Based on his experience at Portman Road, he is in no doubt that the level of alcohol consumption provides a clue to this phenomenon.”

BBC bosses are hoping that the programme will generate a spin-off Christmas charity record that would give Simon Cowell’s X Factor winner a run for their money.

And they say a popular terrace anthem based on the chorus of the Boney M classic, Mary’s Boy Child has already been tipped as the choir’s best bet to top the Christmas charts.

A music Industry source said: “Gareth has got his work cut out harmonising that lot. But I genuinely think there is a 50:50 chance that the nation could be eating its turkey next December to the melodic sounds of ‘Hark now hear the Ipswich sing, the Norwich ran away, and we will fight forever more because of Boxing Day’.”

The Choir will be shown on BBC1 later in the year.

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Tractor sex man wanted to ‘scrub down’ machinery

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Exclusive
By Hugh Dunnett
Crime Correspondent

The Suffolk man who admitted having sex with 450 tractors is in trouble with the police again after trying to get a job at an agricultural college.

Ralph Bishop promised to keep away from farm machinery and not to go within in a mile of the countryside again when he was arrested last October.

The 54-year-old moved from Saxmundham to Ipswich in order to comply with the strict police conditions, but officers say his strange behaviour has not improved.

A Suffolk police insider said: “He went to Otley College for an interview as a handyman, and while there he told the principal that he would happily give all the farm machinery a vigorous scrub down.

“Thankfully the staff at Otley had read about Mr Bishop’s unsavoury interest in tractors, and alerted us.”

The officer said that when they visited Bishop at his London Road flat he admitted he was finding it difficult to curb his urges.

“There were copies of Farming Weekly strewn all over the flat, and we found some bus tickets which clearly showed he had been out in the countryside, which was strictly against the conditions we put down.”

farmers-weekly
Mucky: A well-thumbed copy of Farmers Weekly found in Bishop’s flat

News of Bishop’s tractor fetish went viral worldwide after the Suffolk Gazette reported he was caught with his trousers down behind a Massey Ferguson in a Saxmundham field.

He admitted to having had sex with around 450 tractors, mostly green ones, and when officers raided his home they seized a laptop which had over 5,000 tractor images on it.

Police have now given him another warning, and told him he will be charged if he travels to the countryside again, risking imprisonment.

When the Suffolk Gazette approached Bishop, he said: “I am trying to change, I really am. Sometimes I think I have got over my interest in machinery, and then I see a milk float going past and I come over all giddy.”

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‘We got Norfolk style, hey inbred lady’

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If you thought Gangnam Style was irritating, then perhaps you should be warned not to watch this Norfolk version.

Quite why this Norfolk country bumpkin thought this would be a good idea, heaven knows.

But the video just goes to show why Suffolk tries to keep its distance from those weirdos up the A140.

Wyll James made the film, and we concede it is quite creative, and some of the lyrics are indeed accurate, especially the chorus line: “We got Norfolk style, hey inbred lady.”

“Being from Norfolk I thought it would be a good idea to make a stereotypical video about Norfolk,” Mr James said, before adding quickly: “Just to let everyone Know this is just a joke and we hope nobody is offended by it.”

Best stick with Suffolk, folks!

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