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Norwich plunge into relegation zone

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Norwich plunge into relegation zone

By Manik Bin Mann
Football Reporter

Norwich City fans were celebrating tonight after their club plunged into the relegation zone for the first time this season.

All the hard work on the training pitch is finally paying off, and the Canaries are now confident they can go on a long losing run in order to guarantee their drop back to the Championship.

Club owner Delia Smith is determined to get relegated so the team can start winning matches again, and she shrieked with delight when Newcastle scored a late winner at Tottenham to climb above Norwich in the table, leaving the Norfolk side in the bottom three.

They have been falling down the Premier League like a stone since a bright start to the campaign raised fears they might actually stay up.

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Christmas cheer: Norwich in the relegation zone

A Norwich spokesman said: “We owe Newcastle a massive beer. No matter how hard we have tried in recent weeks, we just have not managed to get into the drop zone. Now, thanks to the Toon Army’s recent good form, we have finally made it.

“Our manager Alex Neil is delighted, and has given the players three days off as a thank you for their efforts.

“We’ve all now got to stick together and ensure we don’t get out of the bottom three before May.”

Meanwhile, Norwich’s more illustrious East Anglian neighbour, Ipswich Town, moved into the promotion play-off places at the weekend following a hard-fought win at MK Dons – the club’s third away victory on the trot.

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Norfolk chef accuses TV bosses of ageism

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Norfolk chef accuses TV bosses of ageism

EXCLUSIVE
By Arthur Pint
Entertainment Editor

A Norfolk woman has accused TV bosses of ageism after they refused to commission her idea for a new home-based cookery programme.

Edna Spratt, 44, from Dereham, wanted TV crews to visit her hovel so she could reveal her Norfolk cooking secrets to the world.

Edna Spratt on LinkedIn
Filth: Edna Spratt in her Dereham hovel

But bosses at the BBC, ITV, C4 and 5, Sky and even Amazon took one look at Edna, and the disgusting state of her kitchen, which has no electricity or running water, and threw her out of their offices.

Devastated Edna, who lives with her brother and their 14 children, said: “I am jolly upset. Ever since I was a little girl I have wanted to be on TV.

“And because I love Delia Smith and am such a great cook myself, I thought I could easily rival Nigella Lawson. I mean, what’s she got that I haven’t?

“I could have wowed viewers with my stuffed turnip done three ways, with a tempting turnip jus. And my turnip pavlova is to die for.”

Edna said she was now consulting her lawyers. “The television people clearly turned me away because they felt I was too old to be on TV,” she said. “Ageism in the TV industry is rife and needs to be stopped – and I plan to make an example of them.”

Neighbour Bubba Spuckler was also disappointed. “Edna does an awfully good turnip turnover. It’s a terrible shame,” he said.

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Christmas decorations feud lands neighbours in court

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Christmas decorations feud lands neighbours in court

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Their festive displays have dazzled and delighted the people of Ipswich for years, but now two neighbours have appeared in court after coming to blows over who has the best Christmas decorations.

Barry Knight and Sam Allardyce, who live next to each other in Bolton Lane, began fighting on the street as allegations flew about the sabotage of an eight-foot blow-up Father Christmas and the crude vandalism of a huge flashing rooftop ‘Santa Stop Here!’ sign.

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Retired Knight, 63, and fitness coach Allardyce, 54, pleaded guilty at Ipswich Magistrates Court to affray, while charges of criminal damage against both men were dropped.

The court heard how for 20 years each man had tried to outdo the other with increasingly gaudy Christmas decorations featuring huge Santas, reindeers and sleighs, thousands of lights and even carol music.

Tristan Blom, prosecuting, told the court the pair’s competitive spirit soured last week when Knight’s eight-foot inflatable Santa, which stood proudly by his front door, was apparently slashed with a knife

Meanwhile, Allardyce’s huge ‘Santa Stop Here!’ rooftop display was rearranged by a trespasser to say simply: ‘Shat!’.

Both men accused each other in a furious confrontation in the street before they began trading blows in front of startled passers-by. Each suffered cuts and bruises but were not seriously hurt.

Mr Blom added that police intervened and the pair had since begrudgingly made up.

christmas-decorations

James Spicer, for Knight, told the court: “My client is ashamed of his actions. He has enjoyed putting up his Christmas display each year, but it became something of a competition with his neighbour.

“Every December they would put more and more decorations up, getting brighter, bigger and louder each year. Sadly the Christmas spirit seems to have deserted them this time because items started going missing or being tampered with.

“Mr Knight realises he has embarrassed his family and has offered to put up some extra decorations for Mr Allardyce as a peace offering.”

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Allardyce’s lawyer, Hannah Fern, said: “My client would like to apologise to the court and to the people of Ipswich. He admits he stabbed the Santa because he assumed it was Mr Knight who wrote ‘Shat!’ on his roof.

“Mr Allardyce was so ashamed that he has moved temporarily to Sunderland in order to distance himself from further trouble. He does appreciate Mr Knight’s hand of friendship, and admits next year they will probably work together for a joint Christmas display.”

Magistrates ordered both men to carry out 20 hours of community service and pay £60 costs. Chairman of the bench, Russel Farquar-Harrisson said: “Let this be a lesson to you.”

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Jeremy Corbyn ‘took my hubby’s bike’, says gran

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Jeremy Corbyn ‘took my hubby’s bike’, says gran

By Rob Banks
Crime Editor

An Ipswich grandmother today claimed Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn took her dead husband’s bike while on an election campaign visit to the town earlier this year.

Mrs Mary Dell, 83, a former nurse and now a resident in an old folks home in Bury St Edmunds, told The Suffolk Gazette: “My Bill passed away in the January so I put his bike away in our shed for safekeeping. It was only after Mr Corbyn’s visit in March that I noticed it had gone.

“The padlock had been cut off the shed door and the bike was missing along with our lawn mower and some of Bill’s tools. I immediately put two and two together and realised that Mr Corbyn must have done it.

“I even saw him riding a bike down his street the other day on television. It looked like Bill’s bike because it had two wheels and some pedals, but it seems he has painted it a different colour. Bill’s was red and Mr Corbyn has painted it blue, which is a bit ironic, don’t you think?

“I’ve never voted Labour and I never will to be honest, especially after this.”

Jeremy Corbyn on a bicycle
Jeremy Corbyn: I like to ride my bicycle (Photo, Twitter/@TrickyBee)

Mr Corbyn, who received surprise Labour leadership backing from North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un, who has a holiday caravan in Suffolk, last night strongly denied the allegation that he took a bike from a shed in Ipswich.

Speaking to reporters outside his home in North London, he said: “It’s absurd to suggest I had anything to do with the disappearance of this lady’s bicycle. I freely admit I may have climbed over her back fence to answer a call of nature, but I certainly didn’t lop off the padlock on the shed with bolt-croppers, nor did I take the bike, a hammer and bolster, a pair of mole grips and an olive-green Suffolk Punch lawnmower with detachable grass collector.”

This latest allegation comes just two weeks after former Deputy Prime Minister, John Prescott, was quizzed following a break-in at a Jaguar car showroom in Lowestoft.

Last night a Suffolk police insider said: “Of course Mr Corbyn did not take this woman’s bike. She must be mistaken.”

* To read more from this contributor, please visit Soz Satire.

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Super sexy Suffolk Segway

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Super sexy Suffolk Segway

Exclusive
By Ivor Traktor
Farming Correspondent (intern)

A Suffolk farmer has transformed his old tractor into a new version of the Segway that he believes will take the country by storm.

Bill Smith, 74, cut his beloved old Massey Ferguson in half and tinkered with the mechanics to develop the all-terrain Segway, which will provide fast and safe transport around the countryside or in town centres.

The Suffolk Segway is now available at the bargain price of £7,999 and comes in four colours, so long as they are all rusty brown.

tractor segway
Farmer Bill Smith on board his Suffolk Segway

Mr Smith, who farms near Stoke-by-Nayland, said: “I was messing about in the workshop when my grandson started talking about wanting a Segway. He showed me a picture and I thought, ‘I can do better than that’.

“So I played around with my old tractor and developed a bigger version. The wheels are so large that it would be very difficult to fall off. Also, it means the Suffolk Segway can go anywhere – up hills, through muddy fields, across streams. There’s nothing it can’t do.”

The Suffolk Segway has a large battery, taken from the original tractor, that will provide enough power for 15 hours of carefree riding with a maximum speed of 25mph. It works by detecting any change in the centre of mass of the rider, and propels the vehicle forward or backwards as a result.

Mr Smith has already sold 72 of the Suffolk Segway machines, and admits the hardest part is finding enough old tractors to chop in half.

“It just goes to show it’s never too late in life to try something new,” he said.

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Intrigue over Suffolk version of Monopoly

The Editor
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Intrigue over Suffolk version of Monopoly

A Suffolk version of Monopoly, the popular game for all the family, has upset some residents of Haverhill because it is in the Old Kent Road spot on the board.

Great Cornard is also in the cheap ‘brown’ section of the Suffolkopoly game, which also features extensive Greater Anglia delays rather than four traditional stations.

Southwold and Aldeburgh sit proudly in the dark blue colours, in spots reserved for Mayfair and Park Lane in the traditional game.

Click on the image for a better view.

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In Suffolkopoly the Electric Works has been replaced by the Sizewell Radiation Centre, the Water Works by a cheap but excellent Polish plumber, and there is also a Go To Norwich square, which nobody wants to land on.

But the game, conceived by Suffolk Gazette staff after a lengthy “editorial strategy meeting” in the Greyhound pub in Ipswich, has caused a big debate on social media.

Of the hundreds of comments, a representative two people from Haverhill were upset their town was the cheapest on the board. “It’s typical of the snobbishness of Suffolk,” said one.

“I have never read your newspaper and now never will,” said another, without seemingly realising the Suffolk Gazette is not a newspaper.

Others noted that Diss and Dedham, which were also given spots, were not even in Suffolk.

Suffolk Gazette Editor Simon Young said: “What did they expect from a game that was devised after a few too many pints of Adnams?

“If they want a more accurate game, they should just make it up like we did.”

Man tried to get wife eaten by bear

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Man tried to get wife eaten by bear

An evil Suffolk man who planned to get his wife killed by a brown bear while on holiday in America has been jailed for ten years.

Exclusive
By Hugh Dunnett
Crime Correspondent

Twisted Steve Lennox hid three juicy prime steaks in Freya’s backpack as they set off on a day’s hike in California’s Yosemite National Park.

Once deep inside the forest, he planned to attract the attention of the fearsome local bears before running off, leaving his wife as a defenceless steak-and-human snack.

But his horrific scheme, which would have allowed him to cash the £150,000 life insurance policy he tricked Freya into taking out last year, was foiled at the last minute.

A hunky American man camping nearby heard Freya’s screams as she ran through the forest being chased by a mother bear and two cubs.

Clint Jefferson, 27, managed to intercept and fend off the hungry bears with pepper spray, forcing them to retreat.

He then guided terrified Freya back to her hotel at Bass Lake 25 miles away, where they discovered the meat in her backpack – and Steve Lennox at the hotel reception calling cops with a false missing person’s report.

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Fearsome brown bears are hungry

He was held by Clint Jefferson and burly kitchen staff until the police arrived.

At first he pleaded his innocence under questioning, insisting he had packed the meat for a nice BBQ treat. But he finally admitted he wanted his wife dead to get his hands on her life insurance.

Lennox, 39, a builder from Woodbridge in Suffolk, had taken retail assistant Freya. 38, on the “dream holiday” to California to celebrate their fifteenth wedding anniversary.

She was present in court in Fresno, California to see her ex husband jailed for attempted murder and breaking an old local law of feeding the bears by leaving a sneaky trail of bacon to attract them.

Afterwards, tearful Freya told a hushed press conference: “I can’t believe what he did. I hope he rots in jail.”

She said she believed Lennox came up with his scheme after watching a Yogi Bear cartoon before going to work one day.

“He must have been planning it for a while,” she explained. “It just goes to show you never really know someone.

“But I’ve had the last laugh. I’ve sold our house and moved to America to live with Clint.”

Meanwhile, there is another incident of Released bears eat Norfolk family in Thetford Forest

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Lady C joins Suffolk Gazette as Diplomatic Editor

The Editor
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Lady C joins Suffolk Gazette as Diplomatic Editor

EXCLUSIVE
By The Editor

The Suffolk Gazette has snapped up hot-headed I’m A Celebrity star Lady C to be its new Diplomatic Editor.

Lady Colin Campbell, who astonished viewers of the hit ITV show with her vicious tongue, is the perfect fit for this newspaper as it seeks to build bridges with readers from Norfolk.

She will be in charge of selecting news stories featuring six-fingered nice folk north of the Suffolk border, and will personally ensure no harsh words are said and that the peace is kept at all times.

In the Australian jungle she spent days cutting Spandau Ballet singer Tony Hadley and business tycoon Duncan Bannatyne to shreds, seemingly able to create an argument out of nothing.

She described former Dragons Den star Bannatyne as a “vain old goat” and “poverty-stricken compared to what I’m used to”, while Hadley was called a “chippy oik with the brains of a pea and the mouth of diarrhoea”, a “pretentious buffoon”, “fat slob”, and a “blasted liar and a creep”.

In fact her only friends in the camp, before she walked out on “medical grounds” earlier today, were boxing champ Chris Eubank and former Ipswich and England footballer Kieron Dyer.

Lady Colin Campbell
Tossers, tossers, the whole bunch of you: Lady C says hello

It was her relationship with Dyer, who was born in Ipswich before playing for the club in a glittering start to his career, which sealed the deal with the Suffolk Gazette.

A pal of Lady C said she enjoyed his Ipswich stories in the jungle so much that she had no hesitation in joining the Suffolk Gazette as its Diplomatic Editor.

“She is well aware of the deep divisions, hatred, mistrust and potentially downright dangerous flashpoints between the people of Norfolk and Suffolk.

“Her new role is a vital one in keeping the peace, and her record in the jungle shows she does not have a diplomatic bone in her body and will be absolutely useless at it.”

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