Before anyone complains, we’re quite aware that ‘Irish jokes’ are a bit old hat. However, you’ll forgive us for running this classic clip from the legend that is Spike Milligan.
You couldn’t get away with things like the Irish Olympics on TV these days!
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Today we can reveal the winners of the most prestigious awards of 2015 – the sought-after Suffolk Gazette Awards.
The sparkling trophies were launched to recognise the best contributions to this newspaper during the course of the year, and also because we never win any of our own.
Most Gullible Comment Writer of the Year – Jason
This was a tough one because so many got confused between fact and fiction. When we revealed a German WW2 soldier had been found alive hiding in a Suffolk forest, the comment section filled up with people thinking they were alone in exposing the spoof.
Tom wrote: “He should be wearing a Luftwaffe uniform and definitely not a helmet but a flight cap/ headgear. And the possibility that a man could live in a foreign ‘enemy’ woodland that long without A) surrendering, or B) realising the war was over is almost certainly improbable. As someone also mentioned it would be on national television with a story so important to history as this. I’m sorry but it’s just not probable.”
And when we reported that a killer Great White Shark was stalking the River Deben, one or two, like reader ‘J’, got cross: “This has to be a hoax, and get more evidence than just using a google image.”
But the hands-down winner was Jason, who took great offence to our brilliant exclusive about the Russians sending a submarine to spy on Felixstowe. He wrote to us in quite a strop: “There is no such type of submarine as an Austin Maestro.
“Akula class, Borie or Yansen class are all active but you have fabricated this story. It seems odd that there are islands in the background (of the photo) and the ship is German. The perspective on the sub is too low to have been taken two miles away.”
And he went on (and on): “None of the Russian active subs have this conning tower configuration, not to mention to enter our waters would be an act of war. Oh, and you have plagiarised your photo which comes from airbus website for defence. So I hope you get the sack because any reverse image software will bring up this photo on many web pages. Best check your sources in the future. Oh and the sub is a u209 of the Columbian and German navies not a ballistic missile sub.”
His comment was so detailed and well researched that it warranted a reply from the Suffolk Gazette Editor…
Most Gullible Foreign Media Organisation of the Year – POWNED!, Netherlands
Suffolk Gazette stories routinely get picked up by other so-called ‘proper’ media organisations and republished as fact. Rupert Murdoch’s news outlets in Australia are particular culprits, as is the Down Under version of the Guardian.
But one foreign news organisation has been exposed twice. Step forward POWNED!, a Dutch news website which was first caught out by running our story about a Suffolk boy stealing a penguin from a zoo. More recently it ran our story about the old lady getting stuck in a public loo for four days, where she settled down to knit a scarf, a “story” which also made the UPI international news wires.
Most Gullible Domestic Media Organisation of the Year – Farm Business magazine
The old lady in the lav story caught most of the British media out as well, with the Mirror, Daily Express, Age UK (which is old enough to know better) – and even ITV News catching a cold. Hats off to The Sun, which initially believed the story but at least checked its facts first because it rang a local correspondent asking him to track down Gladys Phillips, the elderly toilet victim.
But the winner, for publishing a ridiculous story without checking any facts at all, was the prestigious Farm Business magazine. Worse still, it was in its print edition, so it couldn’t exactly remove it very easily (like the Daily Star did after making the same mistake on its website). The story in question? It was the Suffolk Gazette’s brilliant Suffolk man has sex with 450 tractors exclusive…
Bah, Humbug! Reader Award – Mick Smith
We’re fine with people getting fed up with us – if everyone loved the Suffolk Gazette, the Editor would be a millionaire.
However, one negative comment on our Suffolk Gazette Facebook page particularly tickled our fancy, given that the writer, Mick Smith, took time out from his busy Christmas Eve schedule to send us his good wishes…
Most Forgiving People of 2015 Award – Everyone in Norfolk
You’d think the people of Norfolk would hate the Suffolk Gazette – after all, so many stories poke fun at our six-fingered, webbed-feet, terrible football team neighbours.
But the county has shown a quite remarkable sense of humour by actually taking the Suffolk Gazette to heart. We have loads of readers from Norfolk, and many of them contribute positively to our vibrant Facebook page community.
We salute you, Norfolk. But only today. Normal service will resume shortly.
Best Pub of The Year Award – The Greyhound
By presenting this award to our official corporate headquarters, we’re secretly hoping the Greyhound in Ipswich finally gets round to placing an advert in the Suffolk Gazette.
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EXCLUSIVE
By Manik Bin Mann
Football Reporter
Norwich City owner Delia Smith managed to persuade former shadow chancellor Ed Balls to join as her new club chairman – by agreeing to pay him in pies.
Chubby Balls insisted he got his hands on as many of Delia’s famous pies as he wanted in return for his apparent expertise in running an ailing football club.
The former Morley & Outwood MP, who embarrassingly lost his seat at the last election, has suffered a lifelong affliction of being a Norwich City fan.
Ever since his father first took him to the Carrow Road terraces in 1973, he has always regretted not supporting Norwich’s larger and more successful East Anglian rivals, Ipswich Town.
A friend of Balls said: “Ed wanted to be a Tractor Boy but got bullied into supporting Norwich. He’s had to stick with it because a politician can’t be seen to do a u-turn.
“To his surprise Delia Smith and the Norwich board asked him to join as chairman, a position he has been able to accept because he is doing nothing else of any note since being booted out of politics.
“The position is unpaid, but Ed likes his food, and demanded his package included unlimited pies.
“Delia was only too happy to agree to this, although she may regret it when Ed keeps billing her for ever larger club suits.”
A Norwich insider insisted Balls was the right man for the job. “He’s been very successful in everything he has done and, er, well, you know, we have Stephen Fry on the board too. So it’s all quite comical.”
Norwich are currently in a hilarious position in the Premier League, plummeting towards relegation.
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By The Editor
At this special time of year, I’d like to personally wish all of you wonderful readers a very happy Christmas. I hope it’s everything you and your families wished for.
For my part I continue to be amazed by the support you have given the Suffolk Gazette. Since I launched it as a one-man hobby website ten months ago, with the aim of having a bit of fun while trying to be creative, the readership has grown beyond belief.
Just last week the site got its one millionth page view. Over 600,000 people have read the Suffolk Gazette. Our Suffolk Gazette Facebook page community is growing rapidly, currently standing at 6,700.
Those figures will never fail to amaze me; it just goes to show everyone loves a bit of a laugh and a good yarn. As the Suffolk Gazette motto says: You couldn’t make it up!
And so I’ll raise a glass to you this Christmas (and thanks to the many of you who took advantage of our Buy Us A Beer donation page to, er, buy me a beer), and leave you with this heartwarming Suffolk seasonal scene…
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By Suffolk Gazette Staff
Thousands of lucky Norfolk residents will get a wolf fleece for Christmas, with the county topping sales in the UK.
A survey of this year’s must-have gifts showed Norfolk can’t get enough of the classy lupine garment.
Sales have leapt in all parts of the county, but have been particularly strong in Great Yarmouth, according to the influential Shopping Festive Leaders survey.
Spokesman Richard Cobbold said: “Each year we are surprised by one gift that becomes the thing people want most.
“In 2015 Norfolk, this is the wolf fleece, which has been in such high demand that most outlets in Yarmouth and Norwich sold out days ago.”
Disappointed shopper Billy Bob Spuckler told the Suffolk Gazette: “I wanted to get one for my brother Bubba, but couldn’t find one anywhere.
“I should have gone online, but we don’t have internet in Downham Market.”
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By Manik Bin Mann
Football Reporter
Chelsea have made an official approach to snatch manager Alex Neil from Norwich after sacking Jose Mourinho today.
We can reveal that Roman Abramovich wants the dour Scotsman to take over at Stamford Bridge and steer the Blues to Premiership safety.
The billionaire Russian has been impressed at how Neil kept the Canaries out of the relegation zone all season, until last week.
And he believes that given a little cash, Neil could be a world beater and get Chelsea into mid-table.
Norwich owner Delia Smith is desperate to block Chelsea’s approach, determined as she is for Norwich to get relegated so they can win football matches again.
A Chelsea source said: “Our long-suffering fans need cheering up after an awful season under Mourinho.
“We thought we’d give them all a good laugh by trying to poach Alex Neil from Norwich. In doing so, we should be able to keep Norwich below us in the table, therefore ensuring we do not go down ourselves.”
Neil is one of several names on Chelsea’s list, which includes Pep Guardiola and Diego Simeone. Mourinho was sacked earlier today after a board meeting discussed the Premiership champions’ recent run of abysmal results.
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Plucky pensioner Gladys Phillips didn’t panic when she was locked in a public toilet for four days – she settled down to knit a scarf and munched on a packet of mint imperials.
Gladys, 82, was out shopping in Felixstowe when, feeling the need to answer a call of nature, she visited a newly installed public loo off Hamilton Road.
But she was unaware the hi-tech convenience had not yet been officially opened to the public, and after forcing her way inside the door locked tight behind her.
It was not until FOUR days later when workmen came to finish off the painting that Gladys was found sitting on the loo finishing off the last few stitches of her pink scarf.
“I was not really concerned at first when I couldn’t get out,” Gladys said. “In fact I was just relieved I’d managed to go to the loo!
“I kept banging on the door and walls, and shouting for help, but obviously no one could hear me. I realised I had to tough it out, and so I sat on the loo and began knitting.
“Luckily I had just been to the shops and picked up a new ball of pink wool, so I began making a scarf, which one of my lucky grandchildren will now get for Christmas.
“I had also popped into the sweet shop after collecting my pension, so I had a full bag of mint imperials to eat which kept my spirits up no end.
“The loo was very clean and cosy. I was able to sleep on my big overcoat and was lovely and warm, and if I got cold I just sat under the hand dryer for a while.
“It was a great relief when the nice builder turned up and opened the door. He got quite a shock, I can tell you.”
Widow Gladys lives on her own and does not have a telephone, so her daughter, who now live near Bury St Edmunds, had no idea she was missing from home.
“They have now been on at me to get a phone installed at home – and one of these mobile phone things for when I’m out shopping. I suppose I shall have to catch up with the times.”
A Felixstowe town councillor insider said: “We’re glad Gladys is none the worse for her ordeal. The fact that she was quite happy in the loo for four days does, however, show how modern and hi-tech it is.”
The convenience is now open to the general public, but Gladys has promised not to stop for a cup of tea on future shopping trips, just in case she gets caught short again.
EXCLUSIVE
By Phil McCracken
A nudist beach will be opened at the posh seaside resort of Aldeburgh next summer, the Suffolk Gazette can reveal.
The coastline opposite the historic Moot Hall will be roped off and become available exclusively for those brave enough to bare all despite the English weather.
Naturists welcomed the liberal move, which was voted through by councillors in a rowdy meeting last night.
But residents and rich London second-home owners were furious. Local vicar, The Rev Evan Elpuss was also upset, claiming public nudity was a sin and would only encourage promiscuity.
The nudist beach was proposed in order to broaden Aldeburgh’s appeal, which tourism chiefs believed was too narrow. Brian Collins, responsible for visitor numbers to the Suffolk Coastal area, said: “Aldeburgh has a bit of a ‘stick-in-the-mud’ reputation and we need to drag it into the 21st century.
“We threw around a few ideas, including a fun-fair, bingo hall, and a greyhound stadium, but settled on a nudist beach as the most appealing to the general public.
“The nudist beach will be only 200-yards wide and it will be roped off. However, it will be visible to anyone walking past, and to visitors on the normal beach on either side.
“For anyone with a special interest, we plan on erecting a special viewing platform on top of the Moot Hall.”
The Rev Elpuss blasted the plans. “It’s disgusting. People visit Aldeburgh precisely because it is old-fashioned and offers a totally different pace of life.
“Who wants to visit the town and be faced with bare breasts and worse? I urge the council to reconsider.”
And local bakery owner Camilla Farquarson-Hunter stormed: “The only baps on display in Aldeburgh should be my own floury ones.”
