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How Sky News became latest Suffolk Gazette victim

The Editor
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How Sky News became latest Suffolk Gazette victim

By The Editor

The Suffolk Gazette does not deliberately go out to deceive the mainstream media. I very clearly state this is a spoof and satire site using a local paper format to write funny stories from Suffolk, and particularly its “friendly” rivalry with Norfolk.

Of course, some new visitors think it’s entirely serious and get taken in – that’s part of the fun for our existing community, which is growing on our Facebook page alarmingly quickly. When those people realise they’ve been had, they mostly see the funny side, and in many cases become regular readers.

However, a curious and laughable by-product of all this is that the mainstream media, so often po-faced about journalism and how only their voices matter, get sucked in and report Suffolk Gazette “news” as fact. I’ve told you many times about how national newspapers, magazines, serious websites, and international publications have all fallen victim to the Suffolk Gazette.

Yesterday, it went to a whole new level when star presenter Eamonn Holmes read out an old Suffolk Gazette story as part of the “Breaking News” coverage on Sky News in the hour following revelations about David Bowie’s death.

https://www.facebook.com/suffolkgazette/videos/752331584909412/

The passing of a legend is no laughing matter, of course, but Sky News picking up our Spice Oddity story about Bowie serenading a group of diners in a Suffolk curry house, which was published well before he died, takes the biscuit. Especially as we had added a note to the top of the story after Bowie passed, making clear his appearance in the Taj Maharaja in Bungay, which does not even exist, was a spoof.

I’m not poking fun at Eamonn here – he has a very difficult job when a major breaking story occurs like this, and can only repeat what is being fed to him in his earpiece by someone in the news gallery.

I happened to be watching Sky News when this happened, and I nearly choked on my breakfast corn flakes. Thankfully everyone has seen the funny side, although maybe not Eamonn, who probably wishes painful things on Suffolk Gazette staff.

But that means me. Because even though “we” might look like a well-oiled machine (and I don’t mean well-oiled as in drunk, although I am always asking you to Buy Me a Beer) this is just a hobby site, written and maintained by me alone in my spare time. This is not The Daily Mash or NewsThump, with teams of freelance writers and editors.

And that’s what I find so amusing – a hobby blog updated in spare moments to feed my creative desires gets picked up by mainstream media so often, or goes viral on social media, that it is becoming part of our lexicon. I’m now regularly seeing comments on social media like: “This is like something from the Suffolk Gazette”, or “The Suffolk Gazette should follow-up on this”.

It’s all highly entertaining, to be honest. I hope you’re enjoying it as much as me!

David Bowie stars in spice oddity

The Editor
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David Bowie stars in spice oddity

EXCLUSIVE
Rock legend David Bowie gave curry house diners a treat with an impromptu performance, the Suffolk Gazette understands.

Bowie, who is 69 years old today, was enjoying a spicy dish in the Taj Maharaja in Bungay, Suffolk on Wednesday when he thought he’d give other customers a night they’d never forget.

As locals tucked into papadums, curries, bhajis and other Indian delights, the star suddenly stood up to sing The Jean Genie while astonished staff stood open-mouthed.

Despite loud pleas for an encore, he then sat down again and resumed his meal as the customers clapped and cheered.

One diner, Lorraine Fisher, 34, admitted: “My husband and I couldn’t believe it. We were enjoying a madras and suddenly David Bowie stood up and started singing.

“We hadn’t even noticed he was there before – but he was very good and signed everyone’s paper napkins before he left.”

It is believed Mr Bowie was staying in Suffolk during a New Year holiday with his glamorous wife Iman when he decided to visit the curry house, which has rave reviews on TripAdvisor.

A pal said: “David enjoys his grub, and he still loves performing, even to smaller audiences than he’s used to. He has a wicked sense of fun, so this news is not surprising.”

Restaurant owner Shaz Miah said: “We don’t like talking about our famous guests, but we are grateful to Mr Bowie for being here and singing so well.”

Editor’s note: By unfortunate coincidence, this story was originally published a week before news broke of David Bowie’s death. In an astonishing twist, Sky News read out this curry story live on air, without checking it, as part of its breaking news coverage!

Fungus the Bogeyman is from Norfolk

The Editor
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Fungus the Bogeyman is from Norfolk

By Suffolk Gazette Staff

Fungus the Bogeyman was inspired by the gruesome characteristics and filthy manners of men from Norfolk, the Suffolk Gazette can reveal.

The much-loved children’s story, which features an ugly creature with a weird-shaped head, big ears and terrible teeth, is now starring in a hit television series.

But how the green monster, which farts regularly and dribbles snot, came to be created by British artist Raymond Briggs has remained a mystery… until now.

Fungus-The-Bogeyman-norfolk
Fungus the Bogeyman as he appears on the Sky TV series

We can reveal that Mr Briggs’ 1970s book came about soon after he took a boating holiday on the Norfolk Broads and got to see some of the locals close-up.

A pal claimed: “The men in Norfolk are sort of freakish-looking and they pass wind endlessly. Mr Briggs created Fungus the Bogeyman soon after his trip to Norfolk, and we believe the men he met there were the inspiration.

“He has never admitted as much, but then again who would want to admit going to Norfolk in the first place?”

Mr Briggs also famously created The Snowman story about a snowman who flies through the air accompanied by pre-pubescent Welsh crooner, Aled Jones. It is not thought the Snowman was based on Norfolk, even though Norfolk men have noses like carrots.

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Churchill ordered pantomime cows to spy on Nazis

The Editor
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Churchill ordered pantomime cows to spy on Nazis

By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

Winston Churchill wanted soldiers to dress up as pantomime cows in order to spy on German soldiers if the Nazis invaded Britain, newly-released wartime cabinet papers reveal.

He asked intelligence officers to draw up plans which would allow British soldiers to hide in fields “behind enemy lines” across East Anglia.

And one of their recommendations was seized upon by Churchill, who ordered 2,000 panto cow costumes to be made at a clothing factory near Lavenham in Suffolk.

Teams of two soldiers were trained to stand in fields all along the Suffolk and Norfolk coastal areas, where Germany was expected to launch its land invasion during World War Two.

They had to learn to wander about slowly, pretending to eat grass while using binoculars and a camera poking out of the udders.

churchill-pantomime-cow

But the grand project was scrapped after three of the pantomime cow crews were chased and mounted by randy bulls – two near Orford in Suffolk, and one at Hopton, Norfolk.

The training also sparked bust-ups between soldiers, with none of them wanting to be the back-end of the cow.

One memo in the papers, written by a sergeant major in the Suffolk Regiment, states tersely: “No man wishes his head to be in close proximity to another’s rear end for a period of hours. Especially in the hot summer months.”

The farcical anti-Nazi spy plans were revealed as part of a batch of wartime files released on January 2 by the National Archives.

Papers show the difficulties encountered with the training, particularly the problem of sex-mad bulls, forced Churchill to scrap the programme just nine months into the war.

Instead, local regiments were urged to recruit vicars and elderly ladies to act as spies because invading German forces would never suspect them.

The story is the biggest war-related scoop uncovered by the Suffolk Gazette since a German soldier was found alive and well hiding in a Suffolk forest last year.

Suffolk historian Colin Farrahar told the Suffolk Gazette: “Using pantomime cows to spy on the Germans sounds farcical now, and the records do not make clear if Mr Churchill was entirely serious with the plan.

“But serious or not, the costumes were made as directed because I have seen the inventory record from the factory at Lavenham. What is not clear, however, is if any of the soldiers were seriously hurt by the bulls. I have looked through various regimental diaries and found no mention of these incidents – but I suppose they were meant to be top secret.”

Old lady is victim of ‘balance’ prank

The Editor
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Old lady is victim of ‘balance’ prank

By Hugh Dunnett
Crime Correspondent

Police are hunting a man who pushed an old lady over at a cashpoint after she asked him to check her balance.

Dot Bannatyre, 77, was trying out her new debit card at a machine in Ipswich town centre for the first time but was struggling with the instructions.

She told cops: “I wanted to know if my pension had been paid in because I fancied treating myself to lunch in Mannings.

“But I had no idea how to do it at a cashpoint, so I asked this young man who was passing by if he could check my balance.

“Imagine my surprise when he tipped me over gently, saying, ‘It’s not very good, love’.

“I was shocked but completely unhurt. A nice young policemen saw me wiping down my stockings and asked if I was all right.”

Ipswich police are appealing for witnesses and say they want to speak with a man aged in his early teens, dressed in blue jeans and a Norwich City football shirt.

“It might sound funny, but Dot was lucky she was not hurt,” an officer told the Suffolk Gazette.

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The Suffolk Gazette New Year Quiz

The Editor
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The Suffolk Gazette New Year Quiz

We all love Suffolk, but just how much do you know about the county?

Take the Suffolk Gazette New Year Quiz to find out now. There are 20 questions to test your knowledge.

Please remember to share your result on Facebook or Twitter using the buttons below the quiz!

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Fans view of Ipswich injury-time winner at Watford

The Editor
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Fans view of Ipswich injury-time winner at Watford

This is so self-indulgent, and not in the least bit funny. But it was possibly one of the best Suffolk sporting moments of the year, when Ipswich scored an injury-time winner away at Watford.

Filmed by a supporter, the sheer outburst of passion on the terraces is a joy to behold, even if you don’t like Ipswich – or don’t even follow football!

Listen out for “Go on Freddie, go on son… Go on Chaplow….” GOAL!

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Norfolk Nostradamus predicts 2016 events

The Editor
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Norfolk Nostradamus predicts 2016 events

Norfolk Nostradamus

World Exclusive
By The Editor

The Norfolk Nostradamus, Babs Vanga-Spratt, whose prophecies have captivated the world for decades because they always come true, has granted an exclusive sitting with the Suffolk Gazette to predict what lies ahead in 2016.

Miss Vanga-Spratt, 87, who got her famous powers after losing her sight when she was a young girl, met with The Editor for 30 minutes at her sparsely-furnished cottage in North Walsham – and made some extraordinary predictions for the next 12 months.

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The most sensational claim was that Norwich City would be relegated from the Premier League in May, passing Ipswich Town in the other direction after their promotion via the play-offs.

Miss Vanga-Spratt, whose second cousin Edna Spratt from Dereham is known to Suffolk Gazette readers, went deathly quiet when she said Norwich’s fall from grace was written in the stars after ex-shadow chancellor Ed Balls joined as club chairman this week.

She said Suffolk businesses would enjoy a bumper year, with Adnams, the Southwold brewery, recording record sales, while coastal estate agents would continue to profit wildly from rich Londoners snapping up second homes, forcing locals to live in tents.

Perhaps her most astute prediction was about major weather events, which is not surprising given she lost her sight during a freak tornado that struck North Walsham in 1931, when dirt and grit clogged her eyes and closed them for ever.

As the Suffolk Gazette Editor sipped dandelion tea and noted every word, Miss Vanga-Spratt said: “It will get warmer in spring, then get hotter in the summer before cooling down in Autumn and getting chilly in the winter.”

But one prophecy forced The Editor to choke on his tea – Miss Vanga-Spratt insisted that in June, a Greater Anglia train from Norwich to London, via Ipswich, would run on time.

“Mark my words,” she whispered. “It will be the most momentous feat of modern transportation: the first Greater Anglia train to run without delays, perhaps even to run at all.”

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At this point The Editor began to think Miss Vanga-Spratt, who bears an uncanny resemblance to internationally-famous blind Bulgarian mystic Baba Vanga, had lost her marbles. But her last prophecy before she fell asleep, exhausted by calling upon her powers, made him sit up and take notice.

“The Suffolk Gazette will continue grow its readership massively in 2016,” she cooed. “And many of those readers will be delighted to buy The Editor a Beer.”

Cheers, and Happy New Year!

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