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Norwich City FC: an apology

The Editor
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Norwich City FC: an apology

We have been asked to make clear that Norwich City Football Club will not be charged with wasting police time, and that it does have a trophy cabinet after all.

Last week the Suffolk Gazette published a story claiming the club told police its trophy cabinet had been stolen, but we now understand the information presented to Hugh Dunnett, our esteemed Crime Correspondent, was incorrect.

We now accept that Norwich City is indeed the proud owner of a trophy cabinet, a lovely glass item on a wooden base that sits proudly in the Carrow Road board room.

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By way of proof, lawyers for Norwich sent us this photograph which we are pleased to publish…

Norwich FC trophy cabinetThe Norwich City trophy cabinet in the club board room

The statement adds that one day the club hopes to win something to put in the trophy cabinet.

We are happy to make the situation clear, and confirm that police will not be investigating the club for wrongly claiming the cabinet was missing.

Meanwhile, Norwich’s East Anglian rivals Ipswich Town, who do have a cabinet stuffed full of trophies, including the league championship, FA Cup and UEFA Cup, took another step towards securing life in the Championship for yet another season by throwing away a 2-0 lead at rock-bottom Bolton last night, with the Trotters equalizing from the spot in the sixth minute of injury time.

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Top drug addict admits: I failed a sports test

The Editor
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Top drug addict admits: I failed a sports test

By Hugh Dunnett
Crime Correspondent

A famous drug addict broke down in tears yesterday when he admitted to failing a sports test.

Darren Dee told a hushed news conference he had been caught playing tennis in Ipswich – despite it being a banned activity for drug users since the New Year.

“I missed the memo about tennis being outlawed by the underworld,” said Dee, 34, one of Suffolk’s most well-known addicts with a string of impressive convictions to his name.

“Honestly, it was just the one game with a mate in Christchurch Park, but now it’s ruined everything I’ve worked for since I was 13.”

The drug world’s organising body has now suspended Dee from all doping activities, but it is widely accepted the failed sports test will bring the curtain down on his illustrious criminal career.

drug-addict-sport-testWhat a dope: Darren Dee admitted failing a sports test
From humble beginnings on an Ipswich housing estate, Dee rose from occasional cannabis user to being a champion cocaine and heroin abuser. He shot up the police most wanted list, and for a period in 2013 was Suffolk’s most notorious drug addict.

Dee made a fortune from corporate sponsorships, including international chemist outfit Nuke, but already many are signalling they intend to drop him because of his sport shame.

Tennis, which is believed to have been developed in France, has been used by some drug addicts for years but was only outlawed from January 1 because of its performance-enhancing properties.

A drug underworld insider told the Suffolk Gazette: “Tennis was found to increase the blood flow and therefore deemed to give an unfair advantage to drug users who played it.

“Dee was given a routine sports test after a drug session last Tuesday when the presence of tennis was discovered.

“His bed sit in Ipswich was searched and we found a stash of paraphernalia, including a racket, some white shorts and four balls.”

Easter Bunny microwave teacher suspended

The Editor
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Easter Bunny microwave teacher suspended

EXCLUSIVE
By Richard Adams

A primary school teacher has been suspended after telling her class you make hot cross buns by putting Easter Rabbits in the microwave.

Youngsters at Little Brimmer Primary School burst into tears when the teacher made her ill-advised joke last week.

And when furious parents complained to the school head, the member of staff was suspended immediately.

A school spokesman said: “We encourage our children to have a sense of humour, but this was simply not funny. We abhor any kind of animal cruelty.

“She told her class that putting rabbits in a microwave would make them hot and very cross, hence hot cross buns.

“Now a formal hearing with the Suffolk education department will determine if and when the teacher, who has been with the school for nine years, can return to work.”

One parent told the Suffolk Gazette: “Olivia came home crying. I thought the caretaker must have accidentally turned the kids blue again, but then she told me about the hot cross buns.

“It has ruined Easter for all of us.”

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Blonde Essex girl in lather over shampoo gaffe

The Editor
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Blonde Essex girl in lather over shampoo gaffe

EXCLUSIVE
By Colin Allcabs, Consumer Correspondent

A judge has thrown out a lawsuit brought by a blonde Essex woman who claimed £400,000 in damages after a misunderstanding over instructions on her shampoo bottle.

Chelsea Gooch, 24, took the “wash, rinse and repeat” wording on her bottle literally – and washed her hair repeatedly for eight hours until the shampoo ran out.

But the marathon shampoo session, which involved nearly 80 washes, caused damage to her hair, ridding it of its natural oils and causing her “untold emotional stress”.

She sued the makers of the Gurnier peach melba shampoo for £400,000, but High Court judge James Landon swiftly granted the request to dismiss the case characterised by Gurnier’s legal team as “a willful misreading” of the product’s instructions designed to support a “wrong-headed attempt to assign culpability” to the manufacturer.

Ms Gooch, who is an executive assistant trainee administrator beauty technician from Witham, has vowed to continue pursuing her case, saying she intends to continue filing her suit “again, again and again” until it is heard by the courts.

Gang nabs £20 treasures from Suffolk museum

The Editor
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Gang nabs £20 treasures from Suffolk museum

By Rob Banks
Crime Editor

A daredevil gang stole rare artifacts worth £20 after using pogo sticks and an electric drill to break into a Suffolk museum.

The criminals are believed to be connected to a mastermind who plotted more successful £60million raids on museums in Cambridge and Norwich.

“I suppose it was only a matter of time before they struck here,” said Mrs Anne Teak, curator of Stowmarket’s Museum of East Anglian Strife. “Some of the items are irreplaceable top end pieces which were donated by generous local families when their grannies died.”

The artifacts were a seven-inch jelly mould, made of some kind of metal alloy, worth £3, an OXO tin (circa 1950) valued at £7.50, and a silver plated but tarnished hairbrush worth £11, once owned by a deceased usherette at the Regal Cinema.

suffolk museumAntiques no show: valuable items missing from the Suffolk museum

Police say the ruthless gang used a high-powered Hilti DD350 drill, costing £3,000, to tunnel under the museum shop, then used pogo sticks to jump over state-of-the-art laser security beams to snatch their haul.

They then left via the staff kitchen door, jemmying it open with a spoon before making their getaway in a high-speed ice cream van.

Stowmarket’s top thiefcatcher, Det Insp Will Knabbem urged any witnesses to ring Crimestoppers. He said: “We are finger-printing the spoon which they carelessly left behind. The Oxo tin is very distinctive and may be too hot for a fence to handle. It is red with white lettering, spelling O-X-O. We need to find the items before they are melted down and lost to history.”

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‘Being called Donald Trump has ruined my life’

The Editor
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EXCLUSIVE
By Hugh Dunnett
Crime Correspondent

A Suffolk man with the same name as controversial US Presidential hopeful Donald Trump has called in police after being repeatedly threatened and ridiculed.

Donald Trump, 32, from Bury St Edmunds, started getting hate letters through the mail last month, and now he’s also receiving up to 30 abusive telephone calls a day – many from America.

“At first I thought it was funny having the same name as him,” Mr Trump said from the hardware store he runs with his brother, James. “But since the American Donald Trump started becoming more extreme and bigoted in his views, I’ve had nothing but trouble.

“It’s one thing people having a joke, but they think they are writing to or calling the real Donald Trump, and have no idea I am just a shopkeeper from Suffolk trying to earn an honest living. It has ruined my life and so I called the police.”

Man called Donald TrumpThe controversial Presidential candidate, left, and Suffolk’s Donald Trump on the right

Letters passed on to police include one which threatens to burn down his house for his racist views towards Mexicans trying to get across the border into America. Another questions his abrasive attitude towards women, suggesting he should “watch his back”.

“Those sort of accusations are very upsetting,” said Suffolk’s Mr Trump. “I don’t actually know any Mexicans, but I enjoy Mexican food as much as any man.

“And suggesting I am somehow sexist is ridiculous – I’ve been happily married for ten years, and I do my share of the shopping, cooking and housework.

“I have toyed with the idea of changing my name by deed poll, but I’m going to stick it out and hope that Hillary Clinton wipes the floor with him at the election and we never hear of the other Donald Trump again.”

Even children laugh at Donald Trump as he walks along Angel Lane and Churchgate Street in Bury St Edmunds on his way to work. “I don’t mind their teasing,” Mr Trump said. “It’s the vile hate letters and calls I can’t stand.

“I can’t even let my wife or daughter answer our home telephone because it will almost certainly be someone screaming abuse down the line. I don’t know how they got my number, because last month I was forced to go ex-directory. I assume it has been shared on social media somewhere.”

An insider at Suffolk Police said: “This is an unusual case. We have advised a 32-year-old man from Bury St Edmunds on matters of personal safety, and we are investigating a number of threatening letters he has received in the post.”

Bucket list man swims with tinned tuna

The Editor
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Bucket list man swims with tinned tuna

By Suffolk Gazette staff

A bucket-list obsessive who couldn’t afford to swim with dolphins achieved the next best thing when he went swimming with some tinned tuna.

Daring pensioner Colin Paterson, 84, fulfilled his dream this week when he hired out the teaching pool at the Leiston Leisure Centre in Suffolk.

“I’m thrilled to have finally crossed this one off of my bucket list,” said Mr Paterson, who is a retired postman. “Obviously it wasn’t quite the same as flying out to the Florida Keys and meeting actual dolphins. But the flights cost £800, whereas the pool is only £3 for seniors on Tuesday afternoons.

“It was wonderful to watch the tinned tuna interact with its natural habitat. It was extremely playful and provided a very spiritual experience for me. However, I did have to keep a good grip on it, otherwise it would have sunk.”

tin of John West tuna chunksBeyond the pale: bucket list fan took tinned Tuna for a swim

Mr Paterson has spent his last ten years completing everything he wants to do on his bucket list before he dies. Two years ago he climbed a mountain by reaching the top of Great Wood Hill, the highest point in Suffolk, at a jaw-dropping 136 metres above sea level. Last year he crossed off the bungee jump when he got his two grandsons to hold him upside down by the ankles in his utility room.

“And the fact that I cycled to the leisure centre this week and then walked into town afterwards meant I can also tick off the triathlon,” Mr Paterson added.

“Next year I want to go on a safari tour of the Maasai Mara National Reserve in Kenya,” he explained. “But if that doesn’t work out, I’ll catch a bus to the Lowestoft petting zoo.”

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Church closes doors and moves to Tesco

The Editor
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Church closes doors and moves to Tesco

By Evan Elpuss
Religious Affairs Editor

A 14th-century church closes because of congestion from two new supermarkets is now going to attract “worshoppers” by conducting services in Tesco.

Saxmundham used to have a thriving high street until the town was bypassed – then Tesco and Waitrose set up opposite one another on the small winding road which once lead to Leiston and the St John the Baptist church.

Chaos ensued when new residents of the massively over-developed town attempted to visit the shops, causing gridlock which backed up to the rarely-changing traffic lights in the high street.

Local parishioners of St John the Baptist could no longer access their place of worship due to congestion on Church Hill – but have now been invited into a temporary pop-up church in Tesco for Sunday morning service.

Local vicar the Reverend Neil Cushion said: “Well, in a very real sense we are now all living in the modern world and must find communion with the Lord wherever we can.

“The high ceilings and basic arrangement of aisles within a supermarket will be familiar with church goers, so the micro-church in aisle three of Tesco has been well received as it reminds us of the Holy Trinity and takes account of falling congregations. With 24-hour supermarket shopping, seven days a week, time is a precious commodity for many of our parishioners.

“Now we can have ham with our hymns and salami with our psalms.”

Worried Waitrose bosses are now looking at the possibility of their own United Reformed chapel in a bid to secure their share of so-called “worshoppers”. They will offer free hot cross buns and have identified a suitable area in the tea and coffee aisle.

In an ironic twist, the owner of the church, Lord’s Estates Inc., is in advanced talks with Sainsbury’s about possibly demolishing the building and replacing it with a third supermarket.

An insider on the Suffolk Coastal District Council planning committee said: “In the 21st century we expect Saxmundham to become a supermarket hub for East Suffolk – and we can’t let an old building that is only used once a week stand in the way of progress.”

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