Thursday, December 11, 2025
Home Blog Page 356

Angry driver caught speeding seven times on trip to get milk

The Editor
-
0
Angry driver caught speeding seven times on trip to get milk

Angry driver
By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Reporter

A Suffolk motorist faces a lengthy driving ban after picking up no fewer than seven speeding tickets on his way to get a pint of milk.

Reg Squirrel, 48, was snapped by six mobile speed cameras and a static camera as he travelled at speeds of between 23 and 45 miles an hour on clear, dry roads at 7.30 on a Saturday morning.Now, after having a clean licence for 30 years, he faces 18 points, fines of up to £700 and the nightmarish tedium of a speed awareness course run in an old butcher’s shop in Diss.

Mr Squirrel, from Saxtead Green, blames a police mix-up. He said: “I’m a very experienced driver. The speed limits on roads I have been using all my life change all the time and without warning, and I was too busy trying to stay within the limit to concentrate.

“Now I am paying £700 for a bottle of milk and am getting banned from driving.”

‘Diligent officers’

A spokesman for Suffolk and Norfolk Police Road Safety and Revenue Collection Department said: “Speed is a killer, particularly on the quiet roads where no-one ever drives when our diligent officers are enjoying a well-earned breather towards the end of their shifts.”

Figures from the Ministry of Motorist Re-education show that drivers can be particularly dangerous at 34 miles an hour on a clear straight, dry, empty road with excellent visibility at 7.30 on a Saturday morning.

A source within the ministry told Suffolk Gazette: “Times are hard for our boys in blue, you know. They need to pay for their own jobs these days as the senior officers have scooped up all the money with their final salary pensions and early retirement plans.”

Mr Squirrel has appealed but has as yet received no response.

BBC picks man off the street to join political debates

The Editor
-
0
BBC picks man off the street to join political debates

The BBC has announced that a member of the public from outside of the political classes or business elite will be selected to appear on all future news and current affairs panels.

In a radical move, BBC talent scouts have already found the “everyman” they were looking for in complete unknown, Nigel Farage.

The move was quite a surprise for Mr Farage. “Having never been a member of parliament and with no experience of the civil service I am amazed at the amount of airtime they are planning to give me,” he said.

Mr Farage, who had been on a European funded exchange student training scheme for the past 17 years, is looking forward to the new challenge. Friends say that mild-mannered Nigel was humbled by the BBC’s generous offer.

Nigel Farage on the BBCMan of the people: Unknown Nigel Farage will appear on the BBC quite a lot

A BBC insider revealed that Mr Farage’s natural bashfulness would be a “refreshing change” to the hubris and self-interest which has come to be associated with politics in recent years.

He said: “Nigel will make the perfect ambassador for our worldwide audience and we want him to feel fully supported in bantering with politicians, big business and – who knows – even presidents, on the British public’s behalf.”

Government surprised to be told heavy rain causes floods

The Editor
-
0
Government surprised to be told heavy rain causes floods

Government surprised that rain causes UK floods
The Government was surprised today t learn that heavy rain is likely to cause flooding.

Prolonged downpours result in rising river levels and torrents of water cascading down hills, astonished officials were told.

Yet, as Britain was hit by more than 200 flood alerts today, a Government spokesman said: “Who could have predicted such a thing?”

Campaigners have been demanding extra money for flood defences for years, but budgets have been slashed, creating havoc in towns and villages across the UK.

One flooding victim said: “Without spending more money, heavy rain will cause flooding as sure as night follows day.

“Only the Government seems surprised by this.”

Northern people want to be adopted by Suffolk

The Editor
-
0
Northern people want to be adopted by Suffolk

Some northern people have asked that their rain-soaked town be adopted by Suffolk.

Residents in the Langworthy Ward in Salford, Manchester, are seeking to break away from their dingy metropolis and become an enclave of the East Anglian county.

They claim that despite being hundreds of miles apart, and speaking a different language, the move would be of mutual benefit for everyone.

In an exclusive interview with Rob Radnell, the Salford correspondent of the Suffolk Gazette (When did I hire him? I hope he does not expect to be paid – Ed), leading Langxiteer, Jonqui Farquarson-Everitt, expressed his views most candidly.

He said: “The residents of Langworthy have had enough of the totalitarian, oppressive rule of the City of Salford Council. We seek the rights that the people of Suffolk enjoy – home rule, a county council and true freedom.

“For too long the proud Langworthians have been the thralls and serfs of the self-perpetuating Labour oligarchy in Swinton Civic Centre.

“Suffolk and Langworthy have much in common: Suffolk is known as Constable Country, and we have a large police station with many constables and PCSOs; Suffolk has wide open skies with large trees, and we have panoramic views from our modernist 1960s high-rise apartment blocks.”

Lowry SalfordDreary: this photograph of northern people shows why they want to be part of Suffolk

Mr Farquarson-Everitt, 57, added: “We offer Suffolk citizens the opportunity to visit the shoppers Mecca of Salford Shopping City (complete with a Tesco Extra) as an alternative to visiting the bustling town centres of Framlingham or Woodbridge.

“Like Suffolk, you can enjoy a metropolitan lifestyle in Langworthy without the cost, plus we are close to Salford Quays, the home of Jeremy Kyle! Not that one would expect Suffolkers to appear on that particular show, but they can laugh at all the guests from Norfolk.

“Culturally and historically, we have much in common, too: Constable and Lowry; the Port of Ipswich and the Port of Salford. We don’t have a Black Shuck hound legend, but there is a stray pack of dogs in Buile Hill Park.

“I appeal to the proud people of Suffolk to support our Langxit campaign. There are advantages for both of us, including cheap transport between us (providing you book ahead on the trains 13 weeks in advance).

“Please just get us out of Salford!”

The impassioned plea will be considered by Suffolk County Council at its next meeting. But a spokesman said: “The only similarity we can see is both areas are home to gigantic football teams – Manchester United and Ipswich Town.”

BBC Royals in Need funds Buckingham Palace repairs

The Editor
-
0
BBC Royals in Need funds Buckingham Palace repairs

By Jane Seymour, Royal Editor

The BBC is hoping to raise a record sum for the Buckingham Palace renovation work in tonight’s annual Royals in Need charity special.

Bosses hope the five-hour television marathon will contribute a large chunk towards the £369 million costs of buying some new curtains and a swish new kitchen for The Queen’s London home.

A BBC insider said: “What better way for the British people to support their monarchy than to pay for the redecoration at The Queen’s London home?

“The Queen is a bit hard-up and so Royals in Need is a marvelous way for the great British public to dig deep and pay for the upkeep of her home.”

The Queen is delighted that BBC Royals In Need will pay for Buckingham Palace renovation work
A Royal courtier will collect the cash from the BBC when the Royals in Need programme finishes tonight, with the remainder of the £369 million being paid by the taxpayer.

The appeal is expected to raise over £30 million, meaning work can begin on the first phase of the Buckingham Palace work – fitting new gold-gilded lavatories, and extra security measures to keep the public away.

Suffolk invention helps muck spreading go further

The Editor
-
0
Suffolk invention helps muck spreading go further

By Ivor Traktor, Farming Correspondent (intern)

A Suffolk inventor is showcasing his clever innovation to help farmers reduce with the cost of muck spreading.

Giles Greenstock, 48, from Mildenhall, has added a toilet to the top of a silage tank, allowing a farm hand to add to the contents as it goes along.

The genius contraption is proven to allow one single silo tank to spread manure across 24% extra field area.

Toilet helps muck spreader

“I came up with the idea while sitting on the lavatory one evening,” Mr Greenstock said. “It didn’t take long to put the prototype together, and early results are encouraging.

“Now I am looking for investors to bring this to the mass agriculture market. It’s a shit job, but someone’s got to do it.

Paramilitary group to invade Norfolk, enslave its people to work in Suffolk

The Editor
-
0
Paramilitary group to invade Norfolk, enslave its people to work in Suffolk

Suffolk Liberation Front
By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

A new paramilitary force called the Suffolk Liberation Front is arming itself so it can invade Norfolk and capture its people to work as slaves, it has emerged.

The group has quickly attracted support since plans were officially announced for East Anglian devolution, with a mayor and even a cabinet running many regional services.

But while welcoming devolution the SLF, whose members are pictured above marching in west Suffolk, realised it meant someone from Norfolk could end up ruling over Suffolk – a situation that could never be allowed.

Now the group is readying itself for a campaign to invade Norfolk and enslave its population for use as free labour in Suffolk, which will help out our farmers greatly.

An SLF spokesman has written to the Suffolk Gazette to lay out its plans. The Editor did not believe the SLF threat of violence if he refused to publish it, but thought he’d better print it… just in case.

“Dear Sir,

I am writing to you about the formation of the Suffolk Liberation Front.

Following yesterday’s announcement on Radio Suffolk that devolution for Suffolk and Norfolk is going ahead with our own mayor and even government, we cannot bear to see anyone from Norfolk to rule over us.

We have therefore mobilised and already have agents with a foothold in the Norfolk town of Great Yarmouth posing as a business, the same people have got a Yarmouth girl to turn traitor and she’s being trained in a house in Suffolk right now.

Our intention is to take over Norfolk, strip what assets they have (if any) and then use the population as slave labour when we finally get devolution. For the residents of Norfolk nothing will change, for us we intend on defending our Suffolk borders, throwing all illegal Norfolk-bred people out and putting a barbed wire fence around Ipswich and using it as an internment camp. Bury St Edmunds is to be our capital; we shall be completely self-sustaining here.

The SLF intends on a full campaign of violence to achieve this goal, and we demand press coverage or we shall burn down the Gazette offices (I don’t have an office – Ed).

Our motto is ‘WE ARE SUFFOLK’. We speak for the people of Suffolk and encourage all farmers to join us. We will provide you with the slaves you need once we take power.”

The Suffolk Gazette will monitor developments, but advises residents close to the Norfolk border to ready their air raid shelters.

Off with her head! Pub rebranding in spotlight

The Editor
-
0
Off with her head! Pub rebranding in spotlight

By Our Bar Steward

Greatly exercising the minds of all right-thinking people is the frightening number of pubs closing all around us. In north Suffolk, they have found the answer: rebranding.

Take, for instance, The Queen’s Head at, funnily enough, Brandeston. Previously hampered by this common and traditional name, it has become – proving that less is more – simply The Queen. The old-fashioned sign, an obvious disincentive to prospective customers, has been replaced by an up-to-date minimalist drawing of a wasp.

Queen's Head at BrandestonFrom a Queen’s head…

The Queen at Brandeston… to a wasp, or maybe a bee

Other pubs in the area are taking notice. The Laxfield King’s Head/Low House, after its recent paint job, could become The King but it’s more likely to be rebranded as The Pan-Fried Gosling. Over at the Framsden Dobermann, rebranding arguments rage between proponents of The Cockapoo and The Labradoodle.

The Cratfield Poacher, which was last year subject to a housing planning application, may well rebrand in another direction as Numbers One, Two and Three Poacher Close.

[AdSense-A]

Ideas are earnestly sought for the ridiculously named Eel’s Foot at Eastbridge. Perhaps something that actually has feet would be good (not a wasp, of course). A recent visitor to one of our ancient village inns posted on the world-wide-web that he was “shocked at the lack of vegan options” as this is, he noted, “the 21st century after all”.

Perhaps embracing said century could be a course worth following for one of the far too many White Horses (a plethora thereof, in fact. Ed.). Rebranding as The Aduki Bean, with appropriate menu, could bring hordes of internet posters to the region.

Please support my running costs by clicking here and buying me a beer!
[olimometer id=1]

1...355356357...406Page 356 of 406

Just In

Sport

Business

Features

Contact us