Friday, November 21, 2025
Home Blog Page 356

Now Fifa fines England and Germany over WW1 Christmas match

The Editor
-
0
Now Fifa fines England and Germany over WW1 Christmas match

By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

The English and German football associations have been fined by Fifa because the famous Christmas Day match between opposing World War One troops was “a political statement”.

Fifa, a proud and squeaky-clean guardian of world football, caused a storm by banning England and Scotland players from wearing poppies on their shirts during the Armistice Day World Cup qualifier on November 11, 2016.

[AdSense-A]

Despite the poppy being a symbol of remembering the fallen heroes of conflict, Fifa deemed it inappropriate on a football shirt – even though hundreds of thousands from both countries have perished side-by-side in battle.

Now Fifa has taken its tough stance even further with a retrospective £50,000 fine for England and Germany following events 102 years ago.

Christmas Day truce football

A Fifa spokesman said: “It has come to our attention that on Christmas Day in 1914 opposing allied and German troops on the front line put down their weapons, crossed into No Man’s Land and enjoyed a game of football.

“This was not only an unsanctioned international match, but also it was clearly a politically motivated statement. This is simply not allowed, and such humanity and compassion goes against everything we stand for.”

Fifa’s latest daft ruling infuriated football supporters, war veterans and politicians. World War Two veteran Alan Jones-McSmith, 93, from Ipswich in Suffolk, said: “Fifa is a corrupt waste of space. They can stick their poppy ruling and fine where it hurts.”

[AdSense-B]

A spokesman for the English FA said: “The Christmas Truce match is one of those iconic moments in history, showing football can provide compassion and comradeship at a time when everything around it is going to hell.

“Fifa is proving yet again how out of touch it is with not just football fans, but decent people everywhere.”

Teenager caught watching television news

The Editor
-
0
Teenager caught watching television news

A teenager has been caught watching the television news, it emerged yesterday.

Ben Smith, 17, was sat in front of the 6pm BBC news and even appeared to be listening intently to the latest national and international events.

[AdSense-A]

Ben, a sixth-form student from Sudbury in Suffolk, is believed to be the first teenager in Britain to watch the news since Diana, Princess of Wales died in 1997.

Proud dad Brian said: “I was surprised because like most kids he normally shows no interest whatsoever in current affairs.

“But there he was taking in the latest updates on EU Brexit talks and the US election. I thought perhaps he might be unwell, but he was actually fine.”

Teenager who watched TV newsInformed: young television news viewer Ben Smith

Ben said: “I turned the telly on because I wanted to watch Love Island on catch-up. But I saw the news was on so I thought I would give it a try.

“It’s weird to discover there are real things going on in the world. And who knew there was a real country called Belgium!”

Media commentators were astounded, and claimed this could be the start of a new trend of youngsters giving a toss about anything other than reality television and social media.

“Young Ben clearly has a bright future ahead of him,” wrote Guardian columnist Dick Amore.

Please support my running costs by clicking here and buying me a beer!
[olimometer id=1]

Norwich release Delia Smith Halloween poster

The Editor
-
0
Norwich release Delia Smith Halloween poster

Delia Smith Walking Dead poster

By Suffolk Gazette Staff

Norwich City have released a terrifying limited edition Halloween poster to celebrate their 5-0 horror show at Brighton yesterday.

Wicked Witch Delia Smith, who owns the hapless Norfolk club, features in the Walking Dead-style poster, which is available from the club shop for just £49.99 plus £15 postage.

A Norwich spokesman said: “Our recent results have been horrifying – and being thrashed 5-0 at Brighton was the scariest thing we’ve seen for years.

“Our manager Alex Neil is a dead man walking, so it seemed fitting to produce a Walking Dead-inspired poster for Halloween.

“Delia has been scaring small children for years, so this poster should go down a treat across East Anglia.”

Norfolk Police now armed with pitchforks

The Editor
-
0
Norfolk Police now armed with pitchforks

Norfolk Police pitchforks

EXCLUSIVE
By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Police in Norfolk are being armed with pitchforks in a desperate bid to combat rural crime, it was revealed yesterday.

Officers have been trained to use the fearsome forks for crowd control, self-defence – and all-out attack against the most hardened Norfolk criminals.

[AdSense-A]

The news comes just days after police in neighbouring Suffolk were handed guns and told to shoot suspects on sight to cut back on expensive paperwork back at the station.

Norfolk police spokesman Noah Clowes said: “Pitchforks are the weapon of choice in Norfolk, as they have been since baying yokel mobs first used them as long ago as the rebellions of 1992.

“We have now supplied all beat bobbies and traffic officers with a well oiled, sharp pitchfork, and already crime numbers are falling.

“There was an incident near Norwich when a speeding motorist was unfortunately impaled to death, but other than that things have gone brilliantly.”

Please support my running costs by clicking here and buying me a beer!
[olimometer id=1]

Mary Poppins gave ‘irresponsible’ sugar advice

The Editor
-
0
Mary Poppins gave ‘irresponsible’ sugar advice

Spoonful of sugar

By Phil Ward, Health Correspondent

A spoonful of sugar does not actually help the medicine go down, it emerged yesterday.

Millions of children who watched the Mary Poppins film grew up assuming it was fine to eat handfuls of sugar to make them feel better.

[AdSense-A]

But now medics have confirmed that sugar and sugary treats could be making youngsters ill in the first place.

Dr Henry White, of the University of Suffolk, said: “We conducted tests that proved sugar does not aid recovery. On the contrary, we found it contributes to the horrendous weight problems in Suffolk.

“Mary Poppins might know a thing or two about being a nanny; she might even recognise that Dick Van Dyke’s Cockney accent is crap. But she does not know the first thing about medicine – her advice is irresponsible.”

Dr White has now called for the Spoonful of Sugar song to be removed from the Mary Poppins film. “It’s the responsible thing to do,” he explained.

Please support my running costs by clicking here and buying me a beer!
[olimometer id=1]

Famous gin drinker Mabel Jackson, 100, dies after short illness

The Editor
-
0
Famous gin drinker Mabel Jackson, 100, dies after short illness

centenarian gin and tonic

By Suffolk Gazette Staff

Mabel Jackson, the centenarian who endeared herself to the world by declaring the secret to long life was drinking six gin and tonics a day, has died suddenly.

Her family has confirmed that Mabel, who turned 100 in June, suffered from alcoholic poisoning last Sunday after downing too many bottles of free gin sent by kind-hearted distilleries.

[AdSense-A]

Mabel hit the headlines in the summer after the Suffolk Gazette revealed her passion for gin, when she told this newspaper: “I have two at lunchtime, one at tea time with a biscuit and then three more during the evening while I do my knitting. I swear the gin keeps me young!”

Our story was picked up and run by newspapers and magazines the world over, including Cosmopolitan and The Drinks Business. It even made it into publications in Belgium and as far afield as Hungary.

But while Mabel received adulation from well-wishers, her fondness for six tipples a day ended up being her downfall.

Mr Simon Young, editor of the Suffolk Gazette, said: “As soon as our story was published, we were inundated with gin companies asking us for Mabel’s address so they could get some marketing capital out of sending her free gin.

‘Difficult time’

“We obliged, of course, but unfortunately this seems to have contributed to her death as her daughter has told us she died sadly of alcoholic poisoning. We send our sympathy to her family at this difficult time.”

Mabel, who lived in a care home in Stowmarket, said she had been drinking gin for 82 years and had recently worked out she had got through 4,264 bottles of the spirit, which she bought every Wednesday from the local Co-Op.

A shop assistant, who asked not to be named, said: “She’s with the angels now, and may she rest in peace. We’ll have to cut back on our gin deliveries now, however.”

Mabel had been widowed since 1989 when her beloved husband, farm labourer Eric, died of liver disease.

Her funeral will be held next Friday, conducted by The Rev Evan Elpuss at St Margaret’s Church. Mabel’s daughter, Mary Whiteside, 74, from Ipswich, has asked that there be no flowers, but donations should be made if desired to the Suffolk Gazette Beer Fund.

Please support my running costs by clicking here and buying me a beer!
[olimometer id=1]

Angry demo as Greggs stop selling scones

The Editor
-
0
Angry demo as Greggs stop selling scones

By Iona Diamond

Angry crowds held a demo yesterday after Greggs the high street bakery announced it was to stop making scones.

“It’s the thin end of the wedge of cake,” said retired teacher Sarah Bunn. “I blame Brexit. I have had a scone for my elevenses for the past 30 years, yet Greggs say there is no demand. The Government needs to look into this.

“Last year Greggs said they were phasing out bread. Now scones! Where will it all end?”

[AdSense-A]

Mrs Bunn was waving a banner saying SOS! SAVE OUR SCONES! at the branch in Stowmarket, Suffolk.

Greggs have decided to sell healthier products with their Balanced Choice line and more on-the-go snacks.

They are considering banning their bacon baguette in favour of a tofu and quinoa burrito with Acai berry dressing and swapping their steak bake for a pack of carrot batons with wheatgrass dip.

SconesHere today, scone tomorrow

Plumber Kevin Pipe said: “It’s a bloody disgrace. What kind of baker doesn’t make bread or scones? It’ll be the Sausage Roll next!

“Greggs used to be the workers’ friend. Now they are becoming a bunch of tossers. Their head office said products had to move with the times. We were hoping that meant a sausage roll in a wrap or a steak bake and chip sarnie. Greggs need someone to open up to rival them and give them a good kick in the doughnuts.”

His mate, Paul Fullup said: “I had their seaweed porridge and was sick all over our white van. I hoped they would move to an iced finger folded into a triple chocolate muffin – the sort of inventive stuff they do on The Great British Bake Off.

“I met my missus in Greggs when she barged in front of me to get the last sausage roll. I like a woman with spirit, especially gin.”

A Greggs marketing guru told the Suffolk Gazette: “Scones are a thing of the past, as is that old-fashioned bread stuff. We are changing our chocolate brownie to a carob greenie and experimenting with a sausage-free kale and goji Berry pastry to enjoy with our new green tea with cactus juice beverage.

“We have every confidence in our marketing team. The public just have to keep up.”

Please support my running costs by clicking here and buying me a beer!
[olimometer id=1]

Old Suffolk fisherman to ‘take on’ Russian fleet

The Editor
-
0
Old Suffolk fisherman to ‘take on’ Russian fleet

By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

An elderly Suffolk fisherman says he will “take on” the flotilla of Russian warships as it passes East Anglia today on its way to Syria.

Bert Jones, 84, fishes for crabs around Orford, and is furious that President Putin is sending his ships close to Britain, labelling it as “provocative posturing”.

[AdSense-A]


He will take his small wooden boat 12 miles out into the North Sea, bob up and down in the international waters – and then wait for the Russians to turn up.

“If the Commies think they can steam along my coast they have got another thing coming.

“I will stop my boat in front of the fleet and shake this big stick at them.”

old fishermanWatch out: Bert Jones intends to give the Ruskies a bloody nose

The flotilla is made up of Russia’s only aircraft carrier — the Admiral Kuznetsov — and other vessels with awesome firepower heading for Syria to join the bloody war.

But many see the voyage down the North Sea and through the English Channel as inflammatory towards Britain, and the Royal Navy will send a destroyer and a frigate to shadow the fleet around the south coast.

“Seeing me waving my big stick in the middle of the sea might make Putin think again,” insisted Mr Jones, who has worked from Orford for 68 years. “If I make enough of a nuisance they might turn around.”

Please support my running costs by clicking here and buying me a beer!
[olimometer id=1]

1...355356357...403Page 356 of 403

Just In

Sport

Business

Features

Contact us