By Len Inn
Political Reporter

The newly-elected leader of Her Majesty’s Opposition, Jeremy Corbyn is to undertake a fact-finding tour of Suffolk in next month, his advisers claim.

The Suffolk Gazette can reveal that Corbyn, who grew up in the rural idyll of Wiltshire, is a self-confessed ‘country bumpkin’ and has a passion for exploring how his new Labour Party line-up can help the county.

A recently-appointed member of his staff, who asked not to be named, showed the Suffolk Gazette a draft copy of his busy travelling itinerary which includes town meetings in Ipswich and Bury St Edmunds as well as visits to Leiston, Stowmarket, Woodbridge, Sudbury, Haverhill and Thetford.

The keen cyclist and teetotal vegetarian is also looking forward to stopping for lunch at the famous Adnams brewery in Southwold before intending to give an evening speech before Aldeburgh Town Council.

The source added: “We were quite surprised by this as Jeremy outlined strong views for reintroducing the people of Suffolk to solid Socialist values like working in the fields, fishing fleets and factories.

“He believes Suffolk people have got fat and lazy on too many years of Tory materialism and spent too much time watching Downton Abbey on 42-inch televisions and stuffed-crust pizzas and he is getting on his bike to show his resolve.”

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Jeremy Corbyn: country boy

Mr Corbyn recently described his ‘impeccable middle-class upbringing’ to The Guardian newspaper. He grew up in the picturesque Wiltshire village of Kingston St Michael before moving to a seven-bedroomed home with his parents and three elder brothers in Shropshire.

His official “Team Corbyn” spokesman Karl Engels confirmed the plan, but added that Suffolk was one of several “Toryfied” counties that the new Leader wanted to visit. “He wants the democratically-elected local authorities to rediscover the lost Marxism principal of distribution of wealth. He believes a sharp dose of dialectical materialism will refresh the good people of Suffolk.”

No-one at Suffolk County Council was available for comment.

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EXCLUSIVE
By Jerome Clarkson
Motoring Editor

A middle-aged man has been forced to admit that he purchased a flash sports car to make up for his small penis.

John Thomas, 51, from Woodbridge, was so self-conscious about his manhood that he bought a super-fast motor, thinking it would make him more appealing to women.

But he quickly heard people joking that he must have a small todger – folk who never previously suspected that he was lacking in the trouser department.

“I spent £40,000 on the five-litre Jaguar, figuring the ladies would be hugely impressed and assume that not only was I rich, but I was also a fine figure of a man.

“But as soon as I got out on the road, I got snide comments that driving a sports car meant I must have a small penis.”

John Thomas’ car exposed his embarrassing secret

Mr Thomas, a divorced self-employed psychiatrist, got in a row with mates at his local pub, The Cock, about the correlation between the size of a man’s car and the size of his tackle.

He made a rash bet that the link was not true – but then found he had to prove it.

“I lost a game of spoof which meant I had to prove I was right. Of course, I could not do so without dropping my trousers and pants in the lounge bar in front of all the customers.

“So rather than go through that indignity, and probably be arrested, I had to reluctantly admit that I did indeed have a tiny penis. My friends thought it was hilarious.”

Balding Mr Thomas is now trying to sell his car, and plans to buy a six-year-old Nissan Micra instead.

“Then women will assume I am a big boy,” he said.

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By Sally Oghurt
Culture Correspondent

A forgotten Saxon village on the banks of the River Deben is to host the Notting Hill Carnival following shocking scenes and hundreds of arrests at this year’s London event, the Suffolk Gazette can reveal.

Metropolitan Police say they have finally washed their hands of the legendary annual celebration of multiculturalism after an officer was stabbed, two others bitten and more than 300 people were arrested on August Bank Holiday this year.

But protests from hundreds of thousands of faithful carnival goers have been heard by members of Suffolk County Council’s new Cultural Reach-out And Prosper committee, which has announced that the annual display of ethnic music, alcoholism, mass drug abuse and street-defecation will take place at Sutton Hoo.

Sutton Hoo, just three miles from Woodbridge, was made famous in 1939 by archaeologist Dr Basil Brown who discovered a dynasty of Saxon kings buried beneath bracken-coated lumps of clay.

Anglo-Saxon treasure found at Sutton Hoo in Suffolk

Now, the 2016 Sutton Hoo Carnival will be merged with the existing posh Aldeburgh Carnival, which is held on the same weekend and councillors are promising a host of legendary Dub, R&B and Drum n Bass stars from around the world as well as top Suffolk acts like well-known Leiston DJ Reg Squirrell.

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Sutton Hoo looks forward to welcoming Notting Hill revellers

Bernard Grabbit, chairperson of the CRAP committee said: “We are all delighted the organisers of the Notting Hill Carnival have agreed to hold their fantastic event in Sutton Hoo.

“The hundreds of thousands of attendees bring with them colour, culture, music and a great deal of happiness – not to mention several million pounds which they happily spend on over-priced alcohol, home-made weapons and disgusting world foods which we do not get in mono-cultural Suffolk.

“There’s great road access to the site and they won’t offend anyone – after all the residents have been dead and buried for more than 3,000 years.”

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Police in London are delighted the carnival is moving to Suffolk

It is expected that truck over-spill parks along the A14 and A12 from Felixstowe to Martlesham, unused during that time of year, as well as the grounds of most schools in Woodbridge will be turned into temporary campsites to host the expected 300,000 visitors.

A Met source said: “Londoners and the Met are heartily sick of this faux PC nonsense which costs millions to police and clean up and clogs up the streets for days on end. I wish Suffolk the very best of luck.”

But a Suffolk Police insider added: “We will be having a very long conversation indeed with members of the CRAP committee.”

DJ Reg said: “Bring it on, buoy. I’ll make ‘em rock till they drop!”

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By Arthur Pint
Entertainment Editor

The Suffolk Gazette can today expose one of the biggest show business cover-ups of all time – Kate Bush and Delia Smith are the same person.

Norwich City owner Delia, who lives near Stowmarket in Suffolk, found fame as a television chef, but really wanted to be a pop star.

So back in the 1970s she put on a long, bushy wig and invented the Kate Bush character, and until today fans of both were fooled.

To prove our astonishing revelation, we scoured the internet and could not find any examples of Delia Smith and Kate Bush being in the same room together.

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Delia Smith

Kate Bush

A showbiz insider said: “It really is remarkable that Delia was able to find fame and fortune not once, but twice.

“And it’s even more amazing that she has led a double life all this time without anyone guessing. Until now.

“But in hindsight the clues were there all along. When Delia famously took to the pitch at half time at Norwich and yelled at the fans down the microphone, she struck a pose very similar to Kate.

“And Kate’s so-called career break coincided with Delia spending more time trying to make Norwich City into a famous football team.

“Now the secret is out, so let’s hope Delia takes to the pitch again and gives us all a rendition of Babooshka and Running Up That Hill.”

Delia Bush refused to comment.

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EXCLUSIVE
Prime Minister David Cameron has again stressed that Britain simply does not have the space to take any more desperate refugees from the war-torn Middle East.

Speaking exclusively as we strolled through the grounds of his huge, sprawling 1,000-acre country estate in Buckinghamshire, Mr Cameron told the Suffolk Gazette that the UK was “full up” with no more room.

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Chequers: Mansion and 1,000 acres of landAs he gazed up at his grace-and-favour country mansion at Chequers, with its ten bedrooms, modern decor and scores of spare reception rooms and outbuildings, he said: “I was saying to Samantha last night when we rested at our lovely huge private constituency house with large grounds in Dean, Oxfordshire, that things were getting crowded.

Oxfordshire: Huge home in large grounds“She replied that indeed there was nowhere for anyone extra to live, and reminded me that our other house in trendy Notting Hill, London, which only has four bedrooms, was being rented out very easily for lots of money precisely because there is a shortage of housing.”

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Notting Hill: four-bedroom jollityMr Cameron added: “But I intend to get a grip on the refugee crisis, and I can tell you that after this interview I shall return straight to my official home in Downing Street, which has 100 rooms and a spacious half an acre garden at the back.

“From there I can continue to monitor the terrible news sweeping across Europe – and tell everyone there is no room in Britain.”

Meanwhile, the family of a three-year-old boy who was photographed drowned on the Mediterranean shoreline, continue to look for somewhere to stay as they flee the horrors of Syria.

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Downing Street: hundreds of rooms and large garden