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Victoria Beckham signs fashion deal with Poundland

The Editor
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By Iona Diamond, Fashion Editor

Victoria Beckham has signed a fashion deal with POUNDLAND after reports that husband David had to fork out £5 million to prop up her upscale clothing and accessories empire.

Posh’s designer brand lost £3.8m in a year after some customers at her new Mayfair shop left without even buying a 5p carrier bag.

Now her new spin-off, Posh At Poundland is set to bring her glittering range to ordinary people – and will be launched exclusively at Poundland’s Ipswich store next month.

Quids in: Victoria Beckham is launching her Posh at Poundland brand in Ipswich

A pal of Victoria, one of the five Spice Girls, told the Suffolk Gazette: “Victoria needs to stay true to herself with her designs while appealing to the Poundland set.

“She’s already working on her Suffolk handbag in black leather with white dots, based on a set of pub dominoes. It would have been priced at £1,275 but will now be a buy one, get one free at a mere pound.”

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Victoria’s clients sip Champagne while browsing in her Mayfair shop. Now Poundland is considering putting a tea urn in the corner of its store to cosset Victoria Beckham’s fans.

Sized 18-28 plus

And it’s not the only change in the pipeline: Posh’s elegant designer gear went up to a size 14 in Mayfair, but now she will cater for a wider Suffolk audience sized 18-28 plus.

We can reveal her first Poundland Suffolk collection will also includes a one-strap indigo gingham apron with matching tea-towel, satin-bow-embellished green wellies with a matching crystal-handled shovel and wooden clogs with a crocodile trim suitable for wading through turnip fields.

Ipswich shoppers were excited about Posh at Poundland launching in the town,. Mum-of-two Geeta Bargen said: “I will be queueing from dawn when Victoria’s clothes come to the town.

“I have always loved her designs but could never afford them or even the glossy magazines they were in. I’m hoping to get my hands on her linen asymmetric farmer’s smock in Tractor Boys Blue.”

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The Sun reported yesterday how David Beckham had to fork out £5.2 million to “bail out” Victoria’s company. But the Beckhams claim the payment related to transferring contracts between Victoria’s business and David’s DB Ventures Ltd.

Company accounts show a potential loss of £3.8 million on a turnover of £34 million was largely due to the one-off costs of opening her Mayfair outlet, and the cost of a new website.

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Home for retired journalists ‘ruining’ village

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Home for retired journalists ‘ruining’ village

By Suffolk Gazette staff

Trimley St Martin residents are campaigning against a home for retired Fleet Street journalists in the village.

The Home for Angry and Cirrhosis-prone Kopyrighters (HACKs) has become the focus of daily protests since opening just three months ago.

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“At first we thought it was a nice idea for old folks to have somewhere peaceful to spend their final days,” says Bob Martin, leader of the Hate HACKs campaign. “But to be honest we had no idea what they were like.

“Everywhere they go they leave cigarette ends and empty bottles. Some flash cheque books at passers-by. It really is shocking.”

Another local said: “All most of them do is drink, smoke and boast about outrageous expenses claims. A few just rock back and forth, making obscene comments about editors.”

old-hackOne of the HACKs residents, pictured yesterday

There have been reports of former journalists spending hours slumped on benches in the village in an apparent torpor before all charging at once, shouting, pushing and jostling startled residents.

“I was only taking the dog for a quick walk when they rushed at me all of a sudden, asking me to confirm or deny if I’d had bacon for breakfast,” a local housewife said.

Even the local church has made a complaint. “Dorothy, who comes in to dust and do the flowers, was asked if I had been paying off the Vatican to keep quiet,” commented Reverend Neil Cushion. “St Martin’s has been Anglican since 1533.”

The journalists are also accused of abusing the hard-pressed health system. “One was rushed to A & E after claiming he had a novel in him. A thorough examination found that this was a delusion, brought on by excess alcohol consumption,” a hospital spokesman reported.

But some locals are more sympathetic. “They are the last of a generation,” reflected a Felixstowe pub landlord. “For years they earned their crust as best they knew – hounding celebrities, bribing public officials, printing false stories and tiny retractions on page 32 next to the stair lift ads, and tapping phones. But now they’ve been replaced by advertising flyers and YouTubers.”

In related news, a spokeswoman for Rupert Murdoch said that rumours he wanted to purchase Suffolk as wedding gift for new bride Jerry Hall were untrue.

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Sugar beet factory switches to tofu production

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Sugar beet factory switches to tofu production

By Tatum Lyle
Health Correspondent

A Suffolk sugar beet factory is switching to tofu production because health warnings have crippled sugar consumption.

K.Kole Ltd, of Bury St Edmunds, which employs 750 people has seen sugar sales fall by 40 per cent since January when shoppers were urged to cut sugary snacks to prevent obesity and diabetes.

“Lardy cake consumption is down 20 per cent, custard pies down ten percent and the market for rhubarb crumble has just fallen out of the bottom,” said managing director Gary Baldi.

He added: “Demand for sugar is at an all-time low and we cannot continue like this. Tofu is the way forward.”

Tofu is low-fat, high protein – but the fact that people can’t stand the sight of it will have to be addressed through bossy diktats from Government health freaks like Eric Pickles.

tofuA slab of delicious tofu

Farmers are worried that changes to the historic local sugar industry will mean a huge fall in jobs. A spokesman said: “It’s all very well turning to tofu but it’s Japanese and we don’t even know if it will grow in our climate.”

Lobby group Keep Suffolk Sweet is urging consumers to buy MORE sugar. “A cake a day keeps the tofu away,” said Candy Barr.

“First they told us salt was bad for us, then it was okay. Then they said butter was bad, then that was okay as well. They’ll be telling us next that four treacle pies washed down with three pints of vodka is bad for us,” explained Mrs Barr.

“We believe in moderation in all things. A little of what you fancy does you good. I always stop at that fifth Mars bar and never eat more than 12 Twixes. I’m only three stone overweight and I am doing my bit for the poor sugar workers.”

But a spokesman for the British Union for Nutrition (BUN) said: “It’s the hidden sugars in bars of chocolate, meringues and toffees that worry us most.

“People need to be able to make informed choices. We believe that a warning sign with rows of coffins indicating sugar levels should be prominent on all food items.

“There is nothing wrong with a cube of tofu for that between-meal snack. You can always take the taste away with a few packets of cheese and onion crisps and a pint of Adnams.”

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Astronaut Tim Peake spots chasm around Norwich

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Astronaut Tim Peake spots chasm around Norwich

WORLD EXCLUSIVE
By Suffolk Gazette Space Team

British astronaut Tim Peake has revealed that while orbiting earth he has seen a gaping chasm opening up between Norwich and the rest of the Premiership.

From his vantage point 248 miles above us in the International Space Station, Major Peake said the gap started showing around the Norfolk city two months ago, and is getting ever wider.

major-tim-peakeMind the gap: Tim Peake looks down on the chasm that has opened up around Norwich

In a private Twitter message to the Suffolk Gazette, the daring spaceman said he feared Norwich would now be unable to close the gap – and would be sucked into the black hole of relegation.

“From up here I can see all of the wonders of the world – the Grand Canyon, the Great Wall of China, Everest and more,” said Major Peake, 43. “Then this new huge disfigurement appeared in the landscape in East Anglia.

“I pass over there every few days, and the chasm between Norwich and everyone else is just getting wider. It’s quite scary, really, because the locals seemed to think it could never happen, and they may never be able to recover. Mind you, in Norfolk they still think the earth is flat.”

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Meanwhile, Norwich’s plight is expected to worsen this weekend, because not only do they have to face high-flying Manchester City, but fellow strugglers Newcastle United will get a boost by sacking Steve McClaren and replacing him with Rafa Benitez.

Will Delia Smith hit under-fire Norwich boss Alex Neil over the head with a frying pan and get herself a new manager before it’s too late? Stick with the Suffolk Gazette for all the latest news.

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Dr Dre reveals Beets By Dray inspired by Suffolk farmer

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Dr Dre reveals Beets By Dray inspired by Suffolk farmer

EXCLUSIVE
By Arthur Aspall, Entertainment Editor

Multi-millionaire rapper Dr Dre got the inspiration for his famous music headphones while being caught behind slow-moving farm traffic in Suffolk, we can reveal.

Talking exclusively to the Suffolk Gazette, he told for the first time how his Beets By Dray headphones were dreamt up on the A134 near Bury St Edmunds.

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“I was on vacation in the UK and driving through west Suffolk when I got held up behind this horse and cart pulling a load of beet to the Bury St Edmunds sugar beet factory.

“It is a very windy, narrow road, nothing like the eight-lane highways I am used to back in California, and I was stuck for hours.

“I was just staring at the back of this dray full of beet, and then I thought, ‘Hey, beets by dray sounds pretty cool’ – and my brand was born!”

beets-by-dray-1Dr Dre’s photo of the Suffolk farmer who inspired him on the A134

When Dr Dre, 51, got back to the US, he set about putting his production plans into action, and the Beets By Dray brand sprang to life. His trendy, high-powered and colourful headphones began to sell in their millions. They became so successful that Dr Dre’s company, Beets Electronics turned over $1.5 billion in 2013 and was bought by Apple one year later.

beats-by-dreBeets By Dray

“And I owe it all to the A134 in Suffolk and a very slow farmer,” Dr Dre said.

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He told the Suffolk Gazette he took a photograph of the farmer on that fateful day in 2008, which he has allowed us to reproduce here, and he would now like to track him down. “I’d happily return to England and reward this farmer for giving me the idea for Beets By Dray,” he said.

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Boris Johnson’s fish and chip shame

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Boris Johnson’s fish and chip shame

By Courtney Pike, Fishing Correspondent

Boris Johnson is leading the EU out campaign because he has a secret controlling interest in a chain of Suffolk fish and chip shops.

The Suffolk Gazette can reveal that the Tory heavyweight’s chippy empire will profit if Britain is exempt from the EU’s restrictive North Sea fishing quotas.

Bumper-sized trawler catches of cod and haddock will ensure a cheaper supply to his high-class fish and chip establishments in Aldeburgh, Leiston, Woodbridge and Southwold.

But industry experts are surprised the fish and chip shop millionaire has gone to such underhand extremes to improve business.

“It goes to show how ruthless these politicians are,” said Mr Chris P Fry, chairman of the Lowestoft Fisheries Corporation. “Staking your whole political future on such a major issue as Brexit is one thing, but being caught out doing so for business reasons is quite another.”

Something fishy: Boris Johnson tests new ingredients for his fish and chip shops

A Suffolk Gazette investigation reveals Johnson owns six fish and chip shops in the upmarket Suffolk coastal area, using a parent company called Batter Europe Now Ltd.

Companies House records show the chain turned over £3.1 million last year, netting a profit of £1 million for Mr Johnson and company director Ian Luscombe, who is also named as a non-executive director of the Suffolk treacle mine.

The chippies are popular with Suffolk locals and a firm favourite for tourists – and even Mr Johnson ships regular takeaways to London by taxi so he can enjoy slap-up dinners at home.

One pro-Europe campaigner said: “This probably explains why Boris is a little overweight. But now his secret fast-food empire, and the reasons for his support of leaving the European Union have been exposed, we’re sure we’ll win the referendum and stay in Europe.”

Mr Johnson was unavailable to speak to the Suffolk Gazette last night, but a friend said: “Boris is not trying to wriggle off the hook – when the chips are down he’ll come out fighting.”

Our story seems to confirm many alleged sightings of Mr Johnson near fish and chip shops in east Suffolk.

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Norwich City FC: an apology

The Editor
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Norwich City FC: an apology

We have been asked to make clear that Norwich City Football Club will not be charged with wasting police time, and that it does have a trophy cabinet after all.

Last week the Suffolk Gazette published a story claiming the club told police its trophy cabinet had been stolen, but we now understand the information presented to Hugh Dunnett, our esteemed Crime Correspondent, was incorrect.

We now accept that Norwich City is indeed the proud owner of a trophy cabinet, a lovely glass item on a wooden base that sits proudly in the Carrow Road board room.

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By way of proof, lawyers for Norwich sent us this photograph which we are pleased to publish…

Norwich FC trophy cabinetThe Norwich City trophy cabinet in the club board room

The statement adds that one day the club hopes to win something to put in the trophy cabinet.

We are happy to make the situation clear, and confirm that police will not be investigating the club for wrongly claiming the cabinet was missing.

Meanwhile, Norwich’s East Anglian rivals Ipswich Town, who do have a cabinet stuffed full of trophies, including the league championship, FA Cup and UEFA Cup, took another step towards securing life in the Championship for yet another season by throwing away a 2-0 lead at rock-bottom Bolton last night, with the Trotters equalizing from the spot in the sixth minute of injury time.

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Top drug addict admits: I failed a sports test

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Top drug addict admits: I failed a sports test

By Hugh Dunnett
Crime Correspondent

A famous drug addict broke down in tears yesterday when he admitted to failing a sports test.

Darren Dee told a hushed news conference he had been caught playing tennis in Ipswich – despite it being a banned activity for drug users since the New Year.

“I missed the memo about tennis being outlawed by the underworld,” said Dee, 34, one of Suffolk’s most well-known addicts with a string of impressive convictions to his name.

“Honestly, it was just the one game with a mate in Christchurch Park, but now it’s ruined everything I’ve worked for since I was 13.”

The drug world’s organising body has now suspended Dee from all doping activities, but it is widely accepted the failed sports test will bring the curtain down on his illustrious criminal career.

drug-addict-sport-testWhat a dope: Darren Dee admitted failing a sports test
From humble beginnings on an Ipswich housing estate, Dee rose from occasional cannabis user to being a champion cocaine and heroin abuser. He shot up the police most wanted list, and for a period in 2013 was Suffolk’s most notorious drug addict.

Dee made a fortune from corporate sponsorships, including international chemist outfit Nuke, but already many are signalling they intend to drop him because of his sport shame.

Tennis, which is believed to have been developed in France, has been used by some drug addicts for years but was only outlawed from January 1 because of its performance-enhancing properties.

A drug underworld insider told the Suffolk Gazette: “Tennis was found to increase the blood flow and therefore deemed to give an unfair advantage to drug users who played it.

“Dee was given a routine sports test after a drug session last Tuesday when the presence of tennis was discovered.

“His bed sit in Ipswich was searched and we found a stash of paraphernalia, including a racket, some white shorts and four balls.”

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