EXCLUSIVE
By Richard Adams

A primary school teacher has been suspended after telling her class you make hot cross buns by putting Easter Rabbits in the microwave.

Youngsters at Little Brimmer Primary School burst into tears when the teacher made her ill-advised joke last week.

And when furious parents complained to the school head, the member of staff was suspended immediately.

A school spokesman said: “We encourage our children to have a sense of humour, but this was simply not funny. We abhor any kind of animal cruelty.

“She told her class that putting rabbits in a microwave would make them hot and very cross, hence hot cross buns.

“Now a formal hearing with the Suffolk education department will determine if and when the teacher, who has been with the school for nine years, can return to work.”

One parent told the Suffolk Gazette: “Olivia came home crying. I thought the caretaker must have accidentally turned the kids blue again, but then she told me about the hot cross buns.

“It has ruined Easter for all of us.”

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By Rob Banks
Crime Editor

A daredevil gang stole rare artifacts worth £20 after using pogo sticks and an electric drill to break into a Suffolk museum.

The criminals are believed to be connected to a mastermind who plotted more successful £60million raids on museums in Cambridge and Norwich.

“I suppose it was only a matter of time before they struck here,” said Mrs Anne Teak, curator of Stowmarket’s Museum of East Anglian Strife. “Some of the items are irreplaceable top end pieces which were donated by generous local families when their grannies died.”

The artifacts were a seven-inch jelly mould, made of some kind of metal alloy, worth £3, an OXO tin (circa 1950) valued at £7.50, and a silver plated but tarnished hairbrush worth £11, once owned by a deceased usherette at the Regal Cinema.

Antiques no show: valuable items missing from the Suffolk museum

Police say the ruthless gang used a high-powered Hilti DD350 drill, costing £3,000, to tunnel under the museum shop, then used pogo sticks to jump over state-of-the-art laser security beams to snatch their haul.

They then left via the staff kitchen door, jemmying it open with a spoon before making their getaway in a high-speed ice cream van.

Stowmarket’s top thiefcatcher, Det Insp Will Knabbem urged any witnesses to ring Crimestoppers. He said: “We are finger-printing the spoon which they carelessly left behind. The Oxo tin is very distinctive and may be too hot for a fence to handle. It is red with white lettering, spelling O-X-O. We need to find the items before they are melted down and lost to history.”

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By Suffolk Gazette staff

A bucket-list obsessive who couldn’t afford to swim with dolphins achieved the next best thing when he went swimming with some tinned tuna.

Daring pensioner Colin Paterson, 84, fulfilled his dream this week when he hired out the teaching pool at the Leiston Leisure Centre in Suffolk.

“I’m thrilled to have finally crossed this one off of my bucket list,” said Mr Paterson, who is a retired postman. “Obviously it wasn’t quite the same as flying out to the Florida Keys and meeting actual dolphins. But the flights cost £800, whereas the pool is only £3 for seniors on Tuesday afternoons.

“It was wonderful to watch the tinned tuna interact with its natural habitat. It was extremely playful and provided a very spiritual experience for me. However, I did have to keep a good grip on it, otherwise it would have sunk.”

Beyond the pale: bucket list fan took tinned Tuna for a swim

Mr Paterson has spent his last ten years completing everything he wants to do on his bucket list before he dies. Two years ago he climbed a mountain by reaching the top of Great Wood Hill, the highest point in Suffolk, at a jaw-dropping 136 metres above sea level. Last year he crossed off the bungee jump when he got his two grandsons to hold him upside down by the ankles in his utility room.

“And the fact that I cycled to the leisure centre this week and then walked into town afterwards meant I can also tick off the triathlon,” Mr Paterson added.

“Next year I want to go on a safari tour of the Maasai Mara National Reserve in Kenya,” he explained. “But if that doesn’t work out, I’ll catch a bus to the Lowestoft petting zoo.”

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By Arthur Aspall
Entertainment Editor

Felixstowe will host next year’s Oscars as organisers seek to calm the race and diversity row that overshadowed last night’s ceremony.

The newly-refurbished Spa Pavilion has been chosen to put out the red carpet for the world’s biggest movie stars.

By replacing Hollywood with a chilly Suffolk seafront, the Academy of Motion Pictures believes its showpiece event will better reflect the film-making industry – and its audience.

“The decision will show the world that the Oscars are not just purely about Los Angeles,” an Academy insider said.

And the award goes to… Felixstowe

Management at The Spa say they are delighted. “The Spa is a world-class venue and we are thrilled to host the Oscars.” Asked about experience in dealing with demanding stars like Leonardo DiCaprio, a spokesman explained how the seaside venue had hosted Ken Dodd on more than 23 occasions and Showaddywaddy were regular visitors, too.

“Sylvia had to make their tea just right, or there would be hell to pay,” he admitted. “And I won’t go into the Chuckle Brothers’ rider about Bourbons. There is nothing we haven’t seen.”

The famed after-party, where the stars dance all night, is set to take place at The Alex. Staff could not yet confirm staying open until dawn, saying Tiffany the waitress needed to cycle home all the way down Western Avenue and might be a bit tired.

Air hockey

Other entertainments under discussion for the winners and losers of film’s most prestigious prize are an air hockey competition at the Pier (the bit that’s still open), and flood-lit crazy golf.

The idea is rumoured to have come from British-born top director, Ridley Scott, whose Nan shared with him her fond memories of wartime visits to the town. She is said to have developed something of an obsession with Peter’s Ice Cream. It is understood that the locally-run business will be supplying 99’s (£2.75 each) to the cream of Hollywood on the red carpet event and will take on hundreds of new staff to meet demand.

But critics of the move claim the legendary parade of glamorous half-clad starlets each February is in jeopardy. “It’s one thing to sashay along in a balmy 27 degrees,” said one insider, “but quite another in a biting north-easterly wind. They’ll catch their deaths.”

The British Medical Association has suggested that the tradition can be saved if actresses accessorize their designer gowns with woollen hats and mittens.

Long-term local resident, Gladys Knight said she was unimpressed. “Felixstowe has seen better than this. In the ‘50s the Pier Pavilion hosted Reg Handy and his Amazing Organ every May.”

The Suffolk Gazette, meanwhile, has confirmed that the Cannes Film festival will not be taking place in Lowestoft.

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