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Mr Magoo fury as car insurance renewal rejected

The Editor
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Mr Magoo fury as car insurance renewal rejected

By Colin Allcabs
Consumer Correspondent

Suffolk man Mr Quincy Magoo was furious last night after being turned down for his annual car insurance renewal.

The 92-year-old from Woodbridge admits he suffers from nearsightedness, but insists he is still safe on the roads.

But when he asked his grandson to find him a new car insurance deal on some price comparison websites, all the companies turned him down.

“I’ve only had 112 bumps and shunts in my car this year, so that’s not even three a week,” Mr Magoo told the Suffolk Gazette.

“Nobody has ever been seriously hurt, so my eyesight really should not be an issue.”

mr-magoo
Liability: an artist’s impression of Mr Magoo in his car (pic, UPA)

Mr Magoo, who used to work in the film industry for United Productions of America studio in the US, retired to the UK after falling in love with a Suffolk woman whom he met during his national service days at an airbase.

Margaret Magoo, 90, was secretly thankful the car insurance renewal was rejected. “He’s a menace on the road,” she whispered. “Woodbridge will be much safer now, and we can always get a taxi.”

A spokesman for the British Car Insurance Trade Association said: “Quite clearly one of the conditions of getting car insurance is an ability to see. Mr Magoo unfortunately failed all medical checks, and even walked into the optician’s door when we sent him for an assessment.”

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Couple thought bus shelter romp was ‘protected sex’

The Editor
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Couple thought bus shelter romp was ‘protected sex’

By Rob Banks
Crime Editor

An Ipswich couple caught romping in a town centre bus shelter told police they thought they were having protected sex.

Kane Mitchell and Chelsey Smith, both 23, were spotted on CCTV cavorting in the early hours in a shelter at the Tower Ramparts bus station near the town centre.

When officers arrives, Mitchell surprised them by claiming he had been warned to have protected sex, and assumed this meant keeping out of the rain.

All aboard: bus shelter romp stunned police
The randy couple pleaded guilty to outraging public decency when they appeared before Ipswich magistrates on Monday. They were each fined £100 and ordered to pay £50 costs.

Magistrates heard how unemployed Mitchell was caught with his tracksuit bottoms around his ankles, while Smith was pressed up against the inside of the glass wall smoking a cigarette.

A police insider said: “When the patrol interrupted them they couldn’t believe the pair genuinely thought keeping out of the rain was all that was required for protected sex.”

Mum-of-three Smith refused to speak to Suffolk Gazette reporters outside the court, but Mitchell said: “I’m not seeing Chelsey Smith anymore, and my wife is furious.”

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Gareth Malone leads football choir

The Editor
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Gareth Malone leads football choir

Celebrity choir master Gareth Malone is facing his toughest challenge yet – to turn a noisy group of football fans into a commercial success.

The TV favourite, who took the Military Wives Choir to the top of the charts, is working with a bunch of rowdy Ipswich Town supporters for a special BBC series.

He has selected 20 fans from Section 6 of the Sir Bobby Robson Stand, and joined them at the last home game against Preston.

Shall we sing a song for you? Ipswich fans in full voice

Season ticker holder, Warren Mitchell, from Section 5 of the Sir Bobby Robson stand, said: “I sit next to the noisy lot with the drum.

“The lads were singing a tuneful rendition of ‘Ole, ole, ole, ole, we’re the Tractor Boys, gonna make some noise’ – and I’m sure that Gareth bloke was conducting.”

The Suffolk Gazette understands that the singing Town faithful are in the early stages of their musical journey, and that filming will continue up until the Spring. Members of the all-male choir have been told to stay tight-lipped about the project until its completion.

Malone leading an Ipswich fan choir rehearsal

A member of the BBC production crew revealed: “It was Initially a challenge to get the Ipswich fans on board. But after six or seven pints they were warmed up and were a joy to work with.

“We pulled them into a recording studio on the morning after the Preston game. They were a bit hung over, but once we topped them up with a few lagers they were raring to go again, and did the business in a few takes.”

Asked why Mr Malone, 40, wanted to take on the challenge, the insider said: “Gareth has always been interested in how much everyone enjoys singing en masse at football matches with no thought of their own musical ability.

“Based on his experience at Portman Road, he is in no doubt that the level of alcohol consumption provides a clue to this phenomenon.”

BBC bosses are hoping that the programme will generate a spin-off Christmas charity record that would give Simon Cowell’s X Factor winner a run for their money.

And they say a popular terrace anthem based on the chorus of the Boney M classic, Mary’s Boy Child has already been tipped as the choir’s best bet to top the Christmas charts.

A music Industry source said: “Gareth has got his work cut out harmonising that lot. But I genuinely think there is a 50:50 chance that the nation could be eating its turkey next December to the melodic sounds of ‘Hark now hear the Ipswich sing, the Norwich ran away, and we will fight forever more because of Boxing Day’.”

The Choir will be shown on BBC1 later in the year.

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Tractor sex man wanted to ‘scrub down’ machinery

The Editor
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Tractor sex man wanted to ‘scrub down’ machinery

Exclusive
By Hugh Dunnett
Crime Correspondent

The Suffolk man who admitted having sex with 450 tractors is in trouble with the police again after trying to get a job at an agricultural college.

Ralph Bishop promised to keep away from farm machinery and not to go within in a mile of the countryside again when he was arrested last October.

The 54-year-old moved from Saxmundham to Ipswich in order to comply with the strict police conditions, but officers say his strange behaviour has not improved.

A Suffolk police insider said: “He went to Otley College for an interview as a handyman, and while there he told the principal that he would happily give all the farm machinery a vigorous scrub down.

“Thankfully the staff at Otley had read about Mr Bishop’s unsavoury interest in tractors, and alerted us.”

The officer said that when they visited Bishop at his London Road flat he admitted he was finding it difficult to curb his urges.

“There were copies of Farming Weekly strewn all over the flat, and we found some bus tickets which clearly showed he had been out in the countryside, which was strictly against the conditions we put down.”

farmers-weekly
Mucky: A well-thumbed copy of Farmers Weekly found in Bishop’s flat

News of Bishop’s tractor fetish went viral worldwide after the Suffolk Gazette reported he was caught with his trousers down behind a Massey Ferguson in a Saxmundham field.

He admitted to having had sex with around 450 tractors, mostly green ones, and when officers raided his home they seized a laptop which had over 5,000 tractor images on it.

Police have now given him another warning, and told him he will be charged if he travels to the countryside again, risking imprisonment.

When the Suffolk Gazette approached Bishop, he said: “I am trying to change, I really am. Sometimes I think I have got over my interest in machinery, and then I see a milk float going past and I come over all giddy.”

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‘We got Norfolk style, hey inbred lady’

The Editor
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‘We got Norfolk style, hey inbred lady’

If you thought Gangnam Style was irritating, then perhaps you should be warned not to watch this Norfolk version.

Quite why this Norfolk country bumpkin thought this would be a good idea, heaven knows.

But the video just goes to show why Suffolk tries to keep its distance from those weirdos up the A140.

Wyll James made the film, and we concede it is quite creative, and some of the lyrics are indeed accurate, especially the chorus line: “We got Norfolk style, hey inbred lady.”

“Being from Norfolk I thought it would be a good idea to make a stereotypical video about Norfolk,” Mr James said, before adding quickly: “Just to let everyone Know this is just a joke and we hope nobody is offended by it.”

Best stick with Suffolk, folks!

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Norma Snockers romps to Suffolk Cup victory

The Editor
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Norma Snockers romps to Suffolk Cup victory

By Suffolk Gazette Racing Staff

One of the most anticipated events of the horse-racing calendar lived up to expectations today when Norma Snockers romped home to win the Suffolk Cup at Newmarket.

Despite looking too bouncy as she entered the stalls, the frisky filly soon settled down and seemed to enjoy the firm going.

And after much some jostling for position, Norma Snockers managed to keep Harass behind her as she crossed the line to wild cheers from the stands.

norma snockers horse
Norma Snockers keeps ahead as Harass is whipped
Odds-on favourite Ben Dover had tried to get inside Harass on the rail in the early stages but was buffeted by Norma Snockers hanging in front. The Ben Dover challenge then fell away at the turn before she threw veteran jockey Mike Hunt to the ground.

The one-mile race had got off to a flyer with rank outsider Hoof Hearted galloping into an early lead, causing misery for those behind her.

But the chestnut brown fans’ favourite ran out of gas six furlongs out and the field wafted passed with ease.

With Hoof Hearted resolved, Jack You’re Late came from behind to finish off on the back of Harass and Norma Snockers, while Drew Peacock was a non-starter.

Winning owner Mike Rafone said loudly: “Norma Snockers looked super perky in the cold conditions, and now everyone wants to get their hands on her.”

Result: Suffolk Cup, 2.30 Newmarket
1 Norma Snockers 6-1
2 Harass 12-1
3 Jack You’re Late 8-5

7 ran
Drew Peacock, non-runner

Who is Norma Snockers?

Norma Snockers is a fictional character, loved by schoolboys and grown-ups with a lewd sense of humour. When you say Norma Snockers out loud it sounds, of course, like Enormous Knockers. Geddit?

Fury over Operation Bloomers police campaign

The Editor
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Fury over Operation Bloomers police campaign

Bloomers

By Rob Banks, Crime Editor

Police in Aldeburgh are using valuable manpower to remove unsightly underwear from elderly residents’ washing lines, the Suffolk Gazette can reveal.

Operation Bloomers was launched in secret last week following complaints that items of large undergarments, often quite old, were ruining the views across the posh seaside resort.

A source at Suffolk Police said local commanders were using indecency laws as an excuse to rid the town of unpleasant underwear belonging to the ageing population, including huge brassieres, elasticated knickers, and gigantic bloomers.

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The police source said: “You should have seen some of the stuff put up unashamedly on washing lines. Not only was it horrible to look at, it was also dangerous. We’ve had high winds recently, and two pairs of bloomers have come loose and taken off.

“One landed on a passing motorist’s windscreen and he had to make an emergency stop outside the Moot Hall, while the other got stuck on the roof of the lifeboat station. It’s still there for all to see, as far as I know. It’s no laughing matter because it looks like the RNLI has a rude new flag.”

Resident Mavis Beavis, 83, was furious that police were wasting their time looking for old ladies’ underwear. “There are far more pressing matters for them to attend to, like parking issues on the High Street.”

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But Caroline Farquhar-Smythe, who lives in London but has a second home in Aldeburgh, was all for the police clampdown. Speaking through the window of her Range Rover she cooed: “I was one of the people who complained to the police. I don’t want to see underwear when I am out and about here. People should use their laundry rooms or pay a person to do it for them.”

Officers confirmed the items were being confiscated, but could be reclaimed from the town’s police station as long as individuals could prove they owned them.

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Suffolk-Norfolk border closure causes A140 chaos

The Editor
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Suffolk-Norfolk border closure causes A140 chaos

By Doug Trench
Defence Editor

The closure of the Suffolk-Norfolk border caused chaos on the A140 today, with traffic queuing for miles.

As relations between the counties descended perilously close to all-out conflict, Suffolk officials closed the border with Norfolk to ensure migrants and spies were not moving south into the county.

But the new checkpoints caused rush-hour misery for law-abiding Suffolk workers trying to go about their business, with tailbacks of ten miles reported on the A140 near Eye.

a140-tractor-chaos
Early-morning commuters stuck on the A140 today

Police were called to calm tempers of those farmers simply trying to get to their fields just over the border.

Even when the vehicles got to the checkpoints, they were met with chaotic scenes and further delays as officials spent most of the time trying to throw Norfolk migrants back over the border.

tractor-road-block
Checkpoint Charlies: Workers stuck in more delays at the border

The border closure follows similar measures taken in countries across Europe to stem the tide of migrants.

Only recently the Suffolk Gazette revealed how officials here were trying to stop the flow of Norfolk country bumpkins into the county, including the infamous Edna Spratt, from Dereham, who is desperate to escape from her hovel hellhole.

Edna Spratt on LinkedIn
Norfolk filth: Edna Spratt, who lives with her brother and their 14 children

It is expected the border will be re-opened tomorrow after assurances from Norfolk that patrols were being increased there to turn back migrants.

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