By Seymour Paige, Education Editor

Most under-tens in Suffolk do not know the meaning of Easter Monday, a shocking new report reveals.

The children, in both state and private schools, had an abysmal knowledge of religion whilst having an encyclopedic fund of facts about video games.

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A variety of projects by the pupils said Easter Monday was the day Jesus sprang to life after being killed by zombies, then rolled a giant chocolate egg away from the entrance of a cave and ran out in a cape to fight “the baddies”.

They thought he then got on a skateboard and whizzed into Ipswich to see if Asda was open. He was trying to buy a ready-meal Last Supper for his 12 superheroes, including Saint Sonic and Saint SpongeBob SquarePants. Then he flew to Alton Towers to avoid traffic jams and got home to watch a Carry On film with his grandad and eat lamb kebabs.

This pupil’s explanation of Easter Monday dismayed teachers

The findings, pulled together in the report by the county eduction department, have shocked local churches, who will now join forces with Suffolk County Council to try to improve the children’s religious knowledge.

“Even the older children thought the Liturgy was a form of the squits caused by eating too much chocolate,” said a council spokesman.

“They thought Passover was something to do with rugby and the Ascension was what soldiers did when they were shouted at. They reckoned fasting was what Mario did in his kart and penance were what you hung out of the car window when Ipswich Town were playing.

“We knew that religion takes a lesser place in society than it used to, but these children are lacking in general knowledge because they spend all their time playing games on their iPads. This is something that needs to be urgently addressed.”

Local vicar Evan Elpuss added: “Perhaps we should invent a religious-themed video game to capture their imaginations?”

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EXCLUSIVE
By Polly Ticks
Political Correspondent

There was widespread concern today about the people of Norfolk being given the vote for the first time later this year, the Suffolk Gazette can reveal.

The remote county has been excluded from all democratic processes for centuries because it is widely accepted that the locals are not educated enough to understand the complexities of politics.

While most Norfolk people can not read, many more can not write – or even hold a pencil correctly in order to mark a cross on a ballot paper.

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But now the Electoral Commission has insisted the county gets the vote, with a trial set for the EU in/out referendum in June.

An insider said: “We don’t expect many from Norfolk to have a clue what’s going on, but in modern Britain everyone should be treated equally and have their say on important matters.

“We are creating some special drawings to show residents how to vote on the day, and just have to assume they have a basic understanding of what the issues are and which way they want to vote.”

A major concern is that huge numbers of locals could easily be bribed with turnips or Woodforde’s Wherry beer.

However, one man said he was looking forward to voting for the first time. “I love X Factor and it can’t be any harder than voting on that,” said Billy Bob Spuckler, from Downham Market.

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By Iona Diamond
Fashion Editor

After years of searching, a Suffolk mother has found a pair of plain pyjamas with NO animal cartoon or slogan – and NOT in pink or sky-blue.

“It is such a relief,” said Ida Downe. “I honestly never thought this day would come. I thought I’d be searching until I died and that I’d be in my coffin wearing something pink with a cartoon elephant on.”

The unusual pyjamas, in plain grey marl, were found at a boutique in Bury St Edmunds. Mrs Downe, from Finborough Road, Stowmarket, said: “The shop owner said they found them during a refurb. They were covered in dust and they think they had been there since 1989 and they may even have been made in Britain.

“They put them out for a joke to see if anyone would buy them.

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“It may have been a joke to them but it was the end of a serious search for me. My son Hugo is 16 and I have been looking for plain pyjamas since I was pregnant

“I noticed around that time that they all had a kitten or puppy on. I went to all the supermarkets and they were the same, in baby pink, blue and lemon with baby elephant cartoons or Ninja Turtles.

“Then came all the slogans like, ‘I’m a Sleepyhead’, ‘Bedtime Beauty’, ‘Snooze Time’ and ‘Take Me To Bed’. There were owls and pigs and big shiny lips.

“It was like being in a nightmare. I don’t know how any self-respecting woman can actually sleep in a yellow pyjama top with a yawning baby dinosaur.”

Taking the Mickey: silly cartoon pyjamas

Mrs Downe said: “I did research on the internet but that made it worse. Every click produced another cat under a duvet, sequins of the New York skyline, sleeping litters of glittery piglets or one of The Simpsons yawning. I thought I was going mad.

“I reached the point where I went to the doctor for sleeping pills.

“Then, just as I was giving up and in complete despair, I found this plain grey pair. The shopkeeper’s mum, who also works there, said she had a vague memory of them also being in plain navy but then the cartoon revolution began and they were consigned to a cupboard that was later covered by a wall.

“They had a label on which said £12 which is about £9 dearer than the imports they have now but they were worth every penny to me.

“I phoned the Antiques Road Show and they told me to bring them for a valuation next time they are in Suffolk.

“They are extremely rare and their experts can’t remember seeing a pyjama top without a printed slogan or decoupage cartoon for years. They could be worth hundreds of pounds but I will never part with them.”

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