Scientists have played down fears that a new Hadron Collider will tear through the fabric of space and time – destroying Aldeburgh, Walberswick and Southwold.

Planners have given the green light for a multi-billion pound particle accelerator which will link the three towns – before looping back to Aldeburgh via Blythburgh church.

Powered by Sizewell B Nuclear power station, the 37-mile atom-smasher will be a ten times more powerful than the Large Hadron Collider in Cern on the Swiss-French border – and will therefore have a much greater chance of creating black holes and detecting other universes.

A train-sized, concrete-cased tube will be sunk in Aldeburgh harbour before re-surfacing next to Maggi Hambling’s Scallop sculpture on the beach. It will then continue overground, ripping through Minsmere Nature Reserve, Walberswick and onto Southwold pier.

Atomic bombshell: particle accelerator will be powered by Sizewell

Responding to concerns that the posh coastal towns will disappear into a large black hole, Professor Kat Schrodinger from the Cern Institute said: “There is a risk, of course, and that is why our original plan was for it to pass through Haverhill as no-one would have noticed if it got sucked in.

“But there is unfortunately no large power source in the west of the county so we are pretty much restricted to the East coast.

Yacht club

“The people of Aldeburgh and Southwold are particularly known for embracing technological change and we have a very good relationship with the community. We have already agreed to slightly change the route of the tunnel so that it doesn’t go through the wine cellar of the Aldeburgh Yacht Club.”

The Suffolk Gazette understands that boffins have also reached a compromise deal with town council chiefs to only switch on the accelerator during weekdays when all the wealthy property owners will be safely living in their primary residences in north London.

The detection of alternative realities may also provide hope for local first-time buyers desperately trying to get on the property ladder.

Prof Schrodinger said: “It’s going to be very exciting as the possibilities are endless. Who knows, we may uncover a parallel universe in which Ipswich are playing sexy football in the Premier League rather than hoofing it in the Championship – or an alternative reality where BBC Look East journalists report outside of Norfolk.”

A footpath will be created alongside the route of the machine so while sub atomic particles smash into each at the speed of light, dog walkers and ramblers will be able to enjoy the coastal scenery at a more gentle pace.

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EXCLUSIVE
By Bernard Matthews
Norfolk Correspondent

Endearing road signs welcoming visitors to Norwich are to be torn down after complaints that nobody could understand a word they said.

Tourism bosses had hoped the signs would portray a warm and humourous side to the city by playing on the local accent and dialect.

But local business owners say they have made Norwich a laughing stock, and are more likely to drive visitors away rather than attract them.

Graham Ruddy, spokesman for the local retail association, fumed: “If you can’t understand what the sign means, how are you likely to want to visit?

“We simply can not be taken seriously by promoting ourselves as weird hobbit-like people who do not speak English properly.”

Many ordinary Norwich residents love the signs, insisting a bit of quirkiness is good for the city’s reputation. “It’s good to have a sense of humour, hint et?” one pointy-eared resident told the Suffolk Gazette.

EXCLUSIVE
By Ruth Tyler
Property Correspondent

A Dubai-style beach resort is being planned for a derelict island on Ipswich Waterfront, the Suffolk Gazette can reveal today.

Developers believe the ambitious project, including upmarket hotels, golden sands and even a giant wave machine will transform Ipswich into the UK’s premier beach holiday destination.

The proposal, shown exclusively to the Suffolk Gazette, would be part of the £100million wet dock crossing scheme that aims to reduce crippling town traffic and develop the waterfront Island site for leisure use.

Detailed plans show a 20-acre island paradise made up of four exclusive hotels, with private beaches and palm trees.

A wave machine would be installed at the mouth of the New Cut just alongside the tidal barrier. Costing £50million, it would be the largest in Europe and likely be a big hit with paddlers and surfers alike.

Mr Tony Trimble, CEO of Suffolk Island Enterprise said: “We’re very excited. We’re not talking about a temporary sand pit like the ones seasonally shoved on the shores of the Thames near Tower Bridge, or in the centre of Bury St Edmunds.

“Using the latest technology, these will be beautiful beaches with golden sands and coral lagoons. It will feel like you are in Dubai, not Ipswich.”

Most of the upmarket island retreat would be reserved for the rich and famous looking for cheaper alternatives to Caribbean beach hotels, but Ipswich people have been assured there will be a place in the sun for them.

“Yes – well sort of,” Mr Trimble said.

“A smaller communal north-facing beach area at the Stoke Bridge end will be split off from the rest.

“And while that may be less glamorous, Suffolk holidaymakers will still be able to enjoy donkey rides, ice-creams and sandcastles. Planning permission will also be sought for 30 beach huts.”

Mr Trimble said he was “unconcerned” about suggestions that the island resort would have a negative knock-on effect on the Felixstowe tourist trade.

“Let’s face it, Felixstowe – like Aldeburgh and Southwold – will eventually go the same way as Dunwich. It will be eroded away by the sea before long.

“Ipswich needs to literally step up to the water mark now and prepare itself as East Anglia’s – if not the UK’s – premier beach location.”

Hotter than Felixstowe

Ipswich tourist chiefs feel that the town’s inland location is a big plus as it is usually a few degrees hotter than Felixstowe. They are also buoyed by news that the Ipswich seagull population already surpasses its coastal neighbours.

A retail consortium representing the town centre’s 14 pound shops are gearing up for a booming tourist trade and are looking to stock up on cut-price beach wear, buckets and spades.

A spokeswoman said: “Our suppliers in the Far East have already created a 99p bikini and a snorkel for a pound.”

And the local Chamber of Commerce is confident the scheme would provide a huge boost to job hunters looking to become deck chair wardens or Punch and Judy puppeteers.

Fears by nearby Felaw Street residents that the island would turn into a tacky drink-fuelled , sex-crazed 18-30 Ibiza-styled resort have also been allayed.

“Remember, this is mainly going to be a selective resort,” Mr Trimble insisted. “If people want sleaze and tack then we will sign-post them to Great Yarmouth.”

The beach island will be the first of its kind in the UK, although the Suffolk Gazette understands that a similar scheme is being considered for Coventry.

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