By Suffolk Gazette staff

Trimley St Martin residents are campaigning against a home for retired Fleet Street journalists in the village.

The Home for Angry and Cirrhosis-prone Kopyrighters (HACKs) has become the focus of daily protests since opening just three months ago.

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“At first we thought it was a nice idea for old folks to have somewhere peaceful to spend their final days,” says Bob Martin, leader of the Hate HACKs campaign. “But to be honest we had no idea what they were like.

“Everywhere they go they leave cigarette ends and empty bottles. Some flash cheque books at passers-by. It really is shocking.”

Another local said: “All most of them do is drink, smoke and boast about outrageous expenses claims. A few just rock back and forth, making obscene comments about editors.”

One of the HACKs residents, pictured yesterday

There have been reports of former journalists spending hours slumped on benches in the village in an apparent torpor before all charging at once, shouting, pushing and jostling startled residents.

“I was only taking the dog for a quick walk when they rushed at me all of a sudden, asking me to confirm or deny if I’d had bacon for breakfast,” a local housewife said.

Even the local church has made a complaint. “Dorothy, who comes in to dust and do the flowers, was asked if I had been paying off the Vatican to keep quiet,” commented Reverend Neil Cushion. “St Martin’s has been Anglican since 1533.”

The journalists are also accused of abusing the hard-pressed health system. “One was rushed to A & E after claiming he had a novel in him. A thorough examination found that this was a delusion, brought on by excess alcohol consumption,” a hospital spokesman reported.

But some locals are more sympathetic. “They are the last of a generation,” reflected a Felixstowe pub landlord. “For years they earned their crust as best they knew – hounding celebrities, bribing public officials, printing false stories and tiny retractions on page 32 next to the stair lift ads, and tapping phones. But now they’ve been replaced by advertising flyers and YouTubers.”

In related news, a spokeswoman for Rupert Murdoch said that rumours he wanted to purchase Suffolk as wedding gift for new bride Jerry Hall were untrue.

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EXCLUSIVE
By Arthur Aspall, Entertainment Editor

Multi-millionaire rapper Dr Dre got the inspiration for his famous music headphones while being caught behind slow-moving farm traffic in Suffolk, we can reveal.

Talking exclusively to the Suffolk Gazette, he told for the first time how his Beets By Dray headphones were dreamt up on the A134 near Bury St Edmunds.

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“I was on vacation in the UK and driving through west Suffolk when I got held up behind this horse and cart pulling a load of beet to the Bury St Edmunds sugar beet factory.

“It is a very windy, narrow road, nothing like the eight-lane highways I am used to back in California, and I was stuck for hours.

“I was just staring at the back of this dray full of beet, and then I thought, ‘Hey, beets by dray sounds pretty cool’ – and my brand was born!”

Dr Dre’s photo of the Suffolk farmer who inspired him on the A134

When Dr Dre, 51, got back to the US, he set about putting his production plans into action, and the Beets By Dray brand sprang to life. His trendy, high-powered and colourful headphones began to sell in their millions. They became so successful that Dr Dre’s company, Beets Electronics turned over $1.5 billion in 2013 and was bought by Apple one year later.

Beets By Dray

“And I owe it all to the A134 in Suffolk and a very slow farmer,” Dr Dre said.

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He told the Suffolk Gazette he took a photograph of the farmer on that fateful day in 2008, which he has allowed us to reproduce here, and he would now like to track him down. “I’d happily return to England and reward this farmer for giving me the idea for Beets By Dray,” he said.

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EXCLUSIVE
By Richard Adams

A primary school teacher has been suspended after telling her class you make hot cross buns by putting Easter Rabbits in the microwave.

Youngsters at Little Brimmer Primary School burst into tears when the teacher made her ill-advised joke last week.

And when furious parents complained to the school head, the member of staff was suspended immediately.

A school spokesman said: “We encourage our children to have a sense of humour, but this was simply not funny. We abhor any kind of animal cruelty.

“She told her class that putting rabbits in a microwave would make them hot and very cross, hence hot cross buns.

“Now a formal hearing with the Suffolk education department will determine if and when the teacher, who has been with the school for nine years, can return to work.”

One parent told the Suffolk Gazette: “Olivia came home crying. I thought the caretaker must have accidentally turned the kids blue again, but then she told me about the hot cross buns.

“It has ruined Easter for all of us.”

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