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Anger as Suffolk postcodes replace Norfolk ones

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Anger as Suffolk postcodes replace Norfolk ones

By Suffolk Gazette Staff

The residents of Norfolk were fuming last night with news that the county will be forced to adopt IP postcodes from neighbouring Suffolk.

Royal Mail staff have downgraded Norfolk because so few people can read or write there, making letters or deliveries a rare commodity.

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To save money, executives have decided to simply extend the current Suffolk postcode system, which uses popular IP postcodes based on Ipswich, the county town.

Under the reorganisation, which will begin in the New Year, all Norwich addresses will use IP99 postcodes, with all outlying areas of the county using various IP number combinations.

Norfolk 2
Norfolk’s traditional postcode areas will be eliminated

A Royal Mail insider said: “There is no point supporting NR postcodes when nobody there understands letters. In Suffolk they are much better educated and make full use of the postal service.

“It makes perfect sense for us to extend the IP reach into neighbouring Norfolk, which we hear depends a lot on Suffolk anyway.”

But Norfolk people were furious. Edna Spratt, who lives in a hovel near Dereham, fumed: “I am fuming. I have no idea what a letter is or how I would go about writing one, but I know that if I did it should have nothing to do with Suffolk.”

Edna Spratt on LinkedIn
Peasant Edna Spratt fuming in her Norfolk hovel

Some business leaders were supportive of the plans. Cletus Spuckler, who runs a smallholding specialising in turnips, said: “Suffolk postcodes will give my business address more prestige. Creating the right impression is vital.”

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Ultimate ‘meat machine’ bred from pigs and cows

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Ultimate ‘meat machine’ bred from pigs and cows

By Ivor Traktor, Farming Correspondent (intern)

A Suffolk farm is creating history by successfully breeding pigs and cows together to produce the ultimate ‘meat machine’.

The offspring, affectionately called ‘pows’, yield both beef and pork produce, which means farmers can enter two markets for the price of one.

Experts say this will revolutionise the food industry by creating cheaper beef and pork joints, sausages and bacon for the supermarket.

The breeding programme is being pioneered at Hatchet Farming Estate near Bawdsey, and the pows are getting bigger, leaner and stronger by the day.

the pow - a cross between a pig and a cow that will revolutionise the food industry
A pow, created by breeding pigs and cows, frolicking on the Suffolk farm

Farmer Jeremy Giles, speaking exclusively to the Suffolk Gazette, said: “The pows are fairly big – about mid way between a pig and a cow. We have carefully developed the breeding programme so that the beef and pork joints are in separate parts of the animal. This means the meats are not mixed up.

“We’ve enjoyed terrific topside beef, brilliant bacon, sizzling sausages and gorgeous gammon – all from the same animal. We’re still working on the rear end structure, but we fully expect to perfect rump steak as well.”

So far Mr Giles has grown an impressive herd of 60 pows on his 300-acre estate. He will be presenting them to the Food Standards Agency early next year, and already has the backing of meat trade associations and the Meat Marketing Board.

A retail insider said: “This new animal is unique and solves a critical problem for farmers everywhere – how to diversify their produce with no extra expense.

‘Cheaper’

“By breeding pows they can produce pork and beef products from the same animal, halving their costs. These savings will ultimately be passed on to the consumer, so we can all expect cheaper Sunday lunches within a year.”

Developing the first pow was no easy task. Mr Giles and his team had to find a small cow and a large pig in order to make breeding physically possible.

“We put them together in a cozy sty, put down plenty of straw and turned down the lighting. We then left them alone to let nature take its course. We confirmed within a week that the cow was pregnant, and five months later a litter of six pows arrived.

“The were all pink with black markings with a curious shaped head. We have successfully kept the breeding programme going and the animals are all strong and healthy.

“We’re delighted with the pows. The only odd thing is the noise they make – a combination of a muffled moo and a loud oink.”

Rowan Atkinson the school master

The Editor
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Rowan Atkinson the school master

This is Rowan Atkinson’s classic “school master” routine, played out to a live audience.

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Hideous Norfolk Halloween mask banned

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Hideous Norfolk Halloween mask banned

Exclusive
By Colin Allcabs
Consumer Correspondent

A horrific Halloween mask made in Norfolk has been banned by watchdogs because it is too terrifying for youngsters.

The ghoulish disguise depicts a hideous old woman who has apparently just crawled out of a grave wearing a disgusting yellow and green scarf.

Scary: Norfolk Halloween mask cooked up a storm

A spokesman for Suffolk trading standards said the nightmarish mask, which was made by a sweat shop in Carrow Road, Norwich had been on the shelves of leading supermarkets across the region for only a few days before complaints came flooding in.

“We had a record number of calls. Young children were loving the disguises featuring festering zombies or bloodied chainsaw murderers, but when they saw this mask made in Norfolk they shrieked, burst into tears and hid behind their parents.

“Many concerned shoppers got in touch to say the costume was a step too far, and should be sold under the counter to adults only.

“As a result we demanded the shelves be cleared, and happily the stores have agreed.”

A spokesman for the manufacturers, Delia Smith Enterprises, refused to comment. But an insider told the Suffolk Gazette: “If you think the mask is bad, wait until you see our special 2016 topless calendar.”

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Man drowned in a bath full of baked beans

The Editor
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Man drowned in a bath full of baked beans

A man drowned in a bath full of baked beans while raising money for Prince William’s air ambulance service, an inquest heard yesterday.

German Heinz Muller, who has lived in Suffolk most of his life, wanted to raise £300 for the East Anglian Air Ambulance, which currently boasts Prince William as one of its pilots.

But an inquest at Ipswich Coroner’s Court heard Mr Muller died a terrible death when the charity stunt in a village pub near Ixworth went tragically wrong.

Coroner Lorraine Fisher, 34, was told an old iron bath had been placed in the public bar at the Dog and Duck pub in Little Brimmer – and filled with 500 tins of baked beans, which were donated by a local supermarket because they were passed the sell-by date.

Mr Muller, an electrician from Bury St Edmunds, had to strip to his boxer shorts and lay in the bath for 24 hours in order to raise cash for the air ambulance, which provides fast-response emergency cover across East Anglia.

Changing a barrel

But at 4.30pm on Friday, October 9, while the landlord Jeremy Youngman was in the cellar changing a barrel, Mr Muller, 36, fell asleep and drowned.

Mr Youngman told the hushed inquest: “I was only downstairs for a few minutes. When I got back to the bar, I could not see Heinz in the bath. I assumed he must have given up and got out, or perhaps he was in the lavatory.

“Thinking back now it was all very ironic, because I remember Don’t Leave Me This Way by the Communards was playing on the jukebox at the time.

“He was still missing at 8pm when the bar was very busy. Then one of the regulars thought to check the actual bath. It was terribly distressing when the customer rolled up his sleeve and put his arm in the bath, only to find poor Heinz in there.”

baked-beans

Coroner Fisher told the inquest, which was attended by Mr Muller’s wife Deborah, that a post-mortem revealed Mr Muller had died from drowning, and that his body showed no signs of physical injury.

Giving a verdict of “misadventure”, the coroner said: “The pathologist report concludes he must have fallen asleep and simply slipped silently under the beans and sauce.

“I hope Mr Muller’s family can draw some comfort from the fact that his death will be a warning to other charity fund-raisers not to push themselves to the limits of endurance.

“And also of course they must be pleased that a JustGiving page set up on the internet for his stunt has since raised £4,500, far more than the £300 he was hoping for.”

Mrs Muller was too upset to speak to the Suffolk Gazette outside the court, but neighbour and family friend Jack Bentley said: “It’s such a terrible shame because Heinz was a lovely and lively character.

“He was so full of beans.”

Cup exit lets Norwich focus on relegation

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Cup exit lets Norwich focus on relegation

Exclusive
By Manik Bin Mann
Football Reporter

Norwich insist they can now concentrate on getting relegated after crashing out of the League Cup.

The Canaries lost on penalties at Everton to dismiss fears a cup run would be a distraction from their goal of dropping back to the Championship.

Alex Neil’s team is currently on a brilliant winless Premier League run going back to the start of September.

But the players gave fans an early Halloween fright by taking Everton to extra time.

The Norfolk side then held out for 30 minutes and heart-stopping penalties before missing from the spot to ensure the right result.

A club insider said: ‘We can now concentrate on our relegation campaign, which is going so well.

“A run in the League Cup would turn the players and fans’ heads. Now is the time to stick together and concentrate on our main aim.”

Norwich owner Delia Smith wants a quick return to the Championship so they can have a realistic chance of winning football matches again.

But hopes of being able to face East Anglian rivals Ipswich are looking bleak because the troubled Tractor Boys are appear to be heading for League One.

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James Bond film Trectre premiers in Suffolk

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James Bond film Trectre premiers in Suffolk

By Arthur Pint
Entertainment Editor

The world premier of the new James Bond film Trectre will be screened tonight in a lavish event at a Wickham Market cinema.

Fans and the world’s media will flock to the rural Suffolk town to see stars including Daniel Craig and his beautiful screen love interest, an older red tractor.

Trectre James Bond
The Trectre film posters erected around Suffolk

The plot of the high-budget new Bond release has been kept a closely guarded secret.

But studio insiders have told the Suffolk Gazette it involves an evil crime lord who is intent on holding the world to ransom by destroying root vegetable crops across East Anglia.

“This the best Bond movie yet,” he said. “It is packed full of thrilling scenes, including a sensational chase sequence in which Bond takes out three cars and a helicopter using nothing more than his 1960s vintage Massey Ferguson tractor.

James Bond Trectre

“Daniel Craig plays tractor-driving Bond brilliantly. He shows more of his raw emotional character which we first saw in Skyfall.”

The Glitzy Ritz cinema in Wickham Market High Street was thrilled to be chosen for the Trectre premier.

Manager Ron Blofeld said: “It’s going to be a fantastic evening which will put Wickham Market on the map. The locals are really looking forward to it, and hope Mr Craig enjoys his time here.”

Many of the Trectre scenes were filmed on location in rural north Suffolk, and tourist bosses expect an influx of curious visitors to the region as a result.

(Hat tip to CSI Plumbridge)

Tree gets stuck up cat

The Editor
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Tree gets stuck up cat

EXCLUSIVE
By Suffolk Gazette staff

A Suffolk couple had to call a vet to save a tree that got stuck up their cat.

Dan and Jamie Grey, from Witnesham, made the unusual call after their pet cat Alan sat on top of a miniature bonsai tree.

The couple called the vet when it became clear that the tree was lodged in a rather unfortunate part of Alan’s anatomy.

“We bought a few pot plants to brighten the house up,” explained Dan, who works for BT.

“I put the miniature bonsai on the windowsill. I knew Alan liked sitting there but I thought he’d get the hint and move on. Instead he just sat right on top of it.”

Jamie added: “We thought Alan would just shake the tree off somehow. But it didn’t happen. That bonsai was well and truly stuck. Alan was dragging it around the garden with him.

“It was devastating for him. Alan used to be such a confident cat. But it’s difficult to be confident when you’ve got a miniature bonsai tree stuck where the sun doesn’t shine.”

tree stuck up cat
Wood you believe it: Alan had embarrassing encounter with tree

After waiting six days for the tree to become dislodged, the couple decided that it was time to act.

“First we tried a tree surgeon,” said Dan. “But apparently removing trees from a cat’s backside isn’t the kind of surgery they do.”

Alan was treated by local vet Jessica Gowers. “In all my time as a veterinarian, I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Jessica, who qualified as a vet two months ago. “Fortunately we were able to save both the cat and the miniature bonsai tree.”

Alan, six, has now completely recovered from his embarrassing ordeal. “The confidence has come right back,” said Jamie. “He’s so confident that he even attacked a man on a mobility scooter the other day.

“I couldn’t have been more proud.”

When asked what had happened to the miniature bonsai tree, Dan and Jamie declined to comment.

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