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Nurse burns patient after mishearing ‘prick his boil’ instruction

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Prick his boil

A patient is taking legal action against his doctors’ surgery after a painful misunderstanding left him permanently scarred.

Chris Jones, 43, from Haverhill in Suffolk, had gone to see his doctor about a painful lump on his left buttock.

The doctor told Mr Jones to drop his trousers, examined the throbbing red lump, and then asked his nursing assistant nurse to “prick his boil”.

Unfortunately, the nurse misheard the instruction and carried out a very different procedure, with agonising consequences.

Mr Jones was unable to walk for two weeks and has only recently started getting feeling back in his private parts.

He posed for the picture above, but declined to speak to the Suffolk Gazette. Meanwhile, a spokesman for the doctors’ surgery confirmed: “We have received a complaint after a patient was scalded. The matter is in the hands of our lawyers.”

Suffolk Liberation Front stages Christmas ceasefire

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SLF Christmas ceasefire
By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

The Suffolk Liberation Front has announced a Christmas ceasefire of hostilities with Norfolk, beginning at noon on Christmas Day and ending at midnight on Boxing Day.

In a message passed to the Editor of the Suffolk Gazette by the paramilitary force’s commanding officer, the SLF warned Norfolk peasants not take advantage of the ceasefire by trying to cross the border.

We agreed to reproduce the letter below after the SLF threatened to turn our corporate HQ, the Greyhound pub in Ipswich, into a refugee centre for Norfolk migrants if we refused.

Dear Sir,
We would like to announce that our Christmas ceasefire takes place at midday tomorrow and lasts until midnight on Boxing Day.

We will continue to have our forces ready in case Norfolk peasants try to wander over the border and we still have our shoot to kill policy in place.

Our men in Norfolk will remain in place.

However, to mark the time of year, we will not fire potshots into Norfolk or stage any incursions into the county.

We will, however, renew the war effort at the end of the ceasefire.

On New Year’s Eve, we have a big operation planned at midnight under cover of fireworks.

We demand that you publish the above details, otherwise we will take the Greyhound public house as a Norfolk refugee holding centre.

We are not on the least bit worried about any Norfolk defence force reading this as no one in Norfolk can read.

Finally, I should like to wish all Suffolk Liberation Front fighters, wherever they may be on secret operations, a happy Christmas.

We are Suffolk, we are united.

More updates to follow.

Regards,
Commanding officer

Gerald named Rail Replacement Bus Service Driver of the Year

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Rail Replacement Bus Service

By Casey Jones, Railways Correspondent

Delighted Gerald Jenkins was celebrating today after winning Greater Anglia’s coveted Rail Replacement Bus Service Driver of the Year award.

Beaming Gerald, 62, was handed the trophy at a glittering ceremony last night after single-handedly clocking up 3,478 bus journeys this year between Ipswich and Liverpool Street Station in London.

The award was even more prestigious this year, given that Greater Anglia did not seem to run any trains at all, but relied on four wheels to transport its frustrated passengers.

Gerald, who is married to Jenny and has two grown-up children, was invited on stage by Greater Anglia managing conductor Jamie Burles to receive his award, even though in traditional fashion the ceremony was 25 minutes late.

Mr Burles said: “Gerald is an example to us all, driving his red double-decker bus relentlessly into London through Suffolk and Essex because our trains are not running.

“He managed 3,478 trips in 2016, which works out at nearly ten a day, so he really was working his socks off.”

Gerald said he was humbled by the award. “I’ve never won anything in my life,” he said. “Even though everyone I pick up in my Rail Replacement Bus Service is thoroughly miserable, it’s a joy to drive them around parts of Essex they have never been to, and probably never wanted to go to.”

Suffolk Police admit investigation was a joke

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EXCLUSIVE
By Rob Banks, Crime Editor

Suffolk Police arrested two men yesterday, one for stealing a car battery and another for the theft of a firework.

A police spokesman confirmed today: “We charged one, and let the other off.”

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Meanwhile, in completely unrelated news, the editor of the Suffolk Gazette, Britain’s brightest spoof and satirical news publication, is under investigation for stealing old jokes.

An insider at the newspaper admitted: “If time is tight, then an old joke book is an easy target. Anyway, it’s this sort of childish humour that is appreciated most by our readers.”

Anyone who thinks they can do better is urged to reach out to this publication’s Contact Us page with any mildly amusing story suggestions.

The insider added: “We need to line up some stories over the Christmas period as the editor will be busy working for charity, helping the needy, walking elderly neighbours’ dogs, and in no way drinking for four days solid.”

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Resort celebrates as shark killed, but fisherman eaten alive

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Shark eats fisherman

By Courtney Pike, Angling Correspondent

Felixstowe was celebrating today after the huge shark that had been terrorising the resort for weeks was killed by brave police chief Martin Cody.

But the shark hunt came at a high price as local fisherman Bart Clint was eaten alive just moments earlier.

Mr Clint, a veteran of the merchant navy, had been hired by Chief Cody and town mayor Larry Warne to hunt and kill the shark before this weekend’s annual charity swim turned into a terrifying human buffet.

They took oceanographer Matt Cooper but the Suffolk Gazette editor refused an invitation to join them on board. He denied he was scared, insisting he was committed to covering a local church fete instead.

However, the Gazette did hire a drone to follow the boat overhead as it set out into the North Sea to track down and kill the 24-foot predator.

And the drone soon captured the horrific moment when the shark leapt up onto the end of Mr Clint’s old wooden boat, tipping it front end up so that he slid down into its gaping jaws.

At the request of his family, we publish the image at the top of this page to illustrate just how brave he was at the death.

Meanwhile, Mr Cooper had plunged overboard in the ensuing panic and was presumed drowned or eaten by the shark as well, leaving only Chief Cody on board as the boat lurched to the right and began to sink.

The drone footage showed Cody was being circled by the shark and was destined to be another shark snack, but the ingenious police chief had other ideas.

He found a canister of helium on the boat, which Mr Clint had used to inflate balloons to be sold to Felixstowe tourists when he was not out at sea.

As the shark approached, Cody shoved the canister into its hideous mouth; bits of Mr Clint were still dripping from its teeth. The shark punctured the metal and helium began escaping under pressure down its gullet.

Chief Cody grinned as the shark let out a hilarious, high-pitched squeaking noise as the gas took its comical effect – before it blew up into a thousand pieces as the pressure built up in its body.

Moments later, Mr Cooper surfaced unexpectedly – revealing he had been hiding on the seabed with a diver’s gas tank while Chief Cody acted the hero.

With the fearsome predator now dead, town mayor Mr Warne announced there would be a public service on the seafront to remember Mr Clint, Chrissie Watkins, the swimmer who went missing two weeks ago, two local divers who were also feared to be victims, and Pippet, a small dog eaten alive in front of its devastated owner as it fetched a tennis ball from the water near the pier.

And with that, the Suffolk Gazette ends its coverage of this astonishing saga. It is now safe to go back in the water. Some readers have suggested the story might one day make a film, but no one would pay to see such a movie.

Here is how the story unfolded: initial fears were raised when a windsurfer claimed a shark had bitten a huge chunk from his surfboard. Then, after reports a woman swimmer had gone missing, the town mayor and police chief disagreed over how to tackle the shark problem. Eventually, they agreed to hire local fisherman Bart Clint to hunt down and kill the shark.

Mariah Carey stars in Jeremy Corbyn Carpool Karaoke

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Jeremy Corbyn Carpool Karaoke
Embattled Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has come up with a novel way of gaining more popular support – creating a celebrity video shoot in his car.

He has launched a hilarious series called Jeremy Corbyn Carpool Karaoke, where well-known stars sing along with him in his official vehicle.

The videos are then posted on social media, with the latest one, featuring American diva Mariah Carey, going viral.

In the clip, the pair sing along to her smash hit All I Want for Christmas Is You, which is now expected to become Labour’s new party anthem ahead of the next election.

Carpool karaoke

A Labour insider said: “Jeremy is getting pasted in the polls, and we even came fourth in the Sleaford and North Hykeham Parliamentary by-election last week.

“His Carpool Karaoke idea is a brilliant way to engage with a youthful audience, and we hope that turns into votes.

“Mariah is a well-known Labour Party supporter, so she was only too pleased to help.”

Felixstowe police chief and mayor hire fisherman to catch shark

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Felixstowe fisherman

By Courtney Pike, Angling Correspondent

The Felixstowe mayor and town police chief have put aside their differences and agreed to pay a local fisherman to hunt down and catch the shark that is stalking the resort.

Bart Clint, a former Merchant Navy seaman who is covered in menacing tattoos, got everyone’s attention at the recent emergency public meeting when he stood up, scraped his fingernails down a chalkboard and claimed: “Bad fish. This shark, swallow you whole.”

Mr Clint, pictured above with his boat, told the astonished crowd that he would find the shark for £3,000, adding: “But I’ll catch him, and kill him, for ten. For that, you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing.”

He has since been out on a recon trip in his old wooden boat, which does not look entirely seaworthy, with Police Chief Martin Cody and local oceanographer Matt Cooper. Captain Cody believed he spotted the shark and told Mr Clint, in no uncertain terms: “You’re going to need a bigger boat.”

Mr Clint is a veteran of merchant navy trips around the world and replied how he once fell overboard off Devon and was surrounded by fearsome dolphins. It was this harrowing experience that made him the ideal shark hunter today, no matter what boat he was in.

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The three are looking for an eight-foot-long shark that bit Felixstowe windsurfer Christopher Mills’ surfboard. Fears a killer Great White is patrolling the North Sea were raised after it was revealed Chrissie Watkins, from Felixstowe, had gone missing while swimming in the sea days earlier.

Captain Cody wants to close the beaches, but Mayor Larry Warne is desperately trying to downplay the reports fearing it will hit Felixstowe’s booming tourist trade.

Mr Clint will begin his full hunting trip with Captain Cody and Mr Cooper this weekend. The Suffolk Gazette declined an offer to put a reporter on board.

* EDIT: The Shark was killed, but it didn’t end well for the fisherman.

Golden truth behind Travel Ipswich roadworks

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The real truth behind the £21 million Travel Ipswich highways programme can be revealed for the first time today.

Motorists have been left frustrated by the endless roadworks around town, causing lengthy delays to even the shortest journey.

But far from spending £21m to dig up roads and junctions in an apparent effort to improve traffic flow, the reality is that the council is looking for buried treasure worth £21m.

A spokesman for the highways management team said: “It’s common knowledge amongst the road crews that there is £21m in gold somewhere under the roads of Ipswich, and we are going to keep digging until we find it.”

Delayed motorists will be relieved to hear that once the council finds the £21 million gold, it will sell it and then spend the cash on digging up the roads to improve traffic flow.