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Tractor lovers now have own internet dating site

The Editor
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Tractor lovers now have own internet dating site

EXCLUSIVE
By Roger Dickinson

A new internet dating site to match tractor lovers has been set up in Suffolk.

TractorMatch.com launches next month with a glittering party at the site’s HQ – a cowshed in Bungay.

“There was a gap in the dating market and we hope to fill it with our infallible vetting system,” said owners Willy and Fanny Joyner.

The Suffolk Gazette was shown around the cowshed with its hi-tech method of sorting partners. Answers to online questionnaires are printed out and placed in an in-tray. Then, when they have enough, the Joyners spread all the forms out on a large table.

“We’ll then close our eyes and stick a pin in one form – and then another to match it. That way, we keep the mystery of romance, like in real life,” explained Fanny.

tractormatch comRural frolics for tractor lovers: Now you can find your ideal countryside partner
Any potential problems have already been ironed out thanks to the in-depth TractorMatch.com questionnaire, which should mean rural lovers can find their perfect partner.

Sample questions shown to the Suffolk Gazette include:

Sport:
A) Do you, or have you ever, supported Norwich FC?
B) Have you ever been to Portman Road, Ipswich?
C) Do you own a blue and white scarf?
D) Did your gran have a crush on Paul Mariner?

Is your dream meal at:
A) The Ivy?
B) Pizza Hut?
C) Nando’s Ipswich?
D) The Harvester?

Is your secret fantasy:
A) A threesome?
B) Playing Doctors and Nurses?
C) Skinny Dipping?
D) Rolling in a pile of hay naked apart from green wellies?

What would you expect a date to cost:
A) £1000 fine dining, taxis, nightclub and hotel?
B) £100 cinema, curry, taxis, cocktails?
C) £50 take-out brought back on the bus?
D) £20…a pint at Wetherspoons, kebab, packet of condoms?

If you could drive any vehicle, would it be:
A) A Ferrari 458?
B) BMW 7 series?
C) John Deere mower?
D) A combine harvester?

Who do you admire most:
A) The Duchess Sarah Ferguson?
B) Football boss Sir Alex Ferguson?
C) Three Degrees singer Sheila Ferguson?
D) Farm equipment maker Massey Ferguson?

Is your favourite vegetable:
A) Green pepper?
B) Spinach?
C) Tomato?
D) Turnip?

If your lover gave you the perfect gift, would it be:
A) A diamond?
B) A Rolex watch?
C) Designer shoes?
D) A Tractor Boys mug?

Are you looking for:
A) Friendship?
B) Romance?
C) Marriage?
D) A ride on a tractor?

Which is your favourite group:
A) Elbow?
B) Arctic Monkeys?
C) Boyzone?
D) Mud?

We understand that Ralph Bishop, the Suffolk man who admitted having sex WITH tractors, has already been banned from the site.

Mr Joyner said: “It will only cost £10 to join TractorMatch.com but you could find your soil mate.”

Suffolk border wall like giant Portaloo to reflect Norfolk life

The Editor
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Suffolk border wall like giant Portaloo to reflect Norfolk life

By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

The huge border wall being built to keep Norfolk migrants out of Suffolk has been painted to look like a giant Portaloo to reflect what lies north of the county line.

Our exclusive photos show work on the project at Brandon, which we first revealed on April 11, has got off to a flying start and will soon be extended for the length of the border.

“We wanted the Norfolk Suffolk border wall to look like a giant Portaloo to warn Suffolk residents about the danger of crossing the border into Norfolk, where it is a bit s*it,” one of the security bosses told us.

Norfolk Suffolk border

He added: “There is a secondary benefit, whereby any Norfolk peasant approaching the Suffolk border sees the wall as being in the colours of Ipswich Town Football Club. It should, therefore, deter them from trying to sneak across.”

suffolk-border-wall-againPortaloo sunset: at the end of the day, no-one wants to go to Norfolk

portalooFestival goers answering the call of nature will now be reminded of life in Norfolk
The railway crossing at Brandon is being changed to Checkpoint Barley to allow those who really need to travel between the counties to pass through the wall into no man’s land, provided the Norfolk lot have the correct paperwork.

We first revealed the Norfolk Suffolk border wall on April 11, when work was just starting. Security staff will now be extending it across the remainder of the 80-mile border.

suffolk-norfolk-wall-againFlashback to when work started on the wall earlier this month

BHS saved by British Gnome Stores

The Editor
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BHS saved by British Gnome Stores

EXCLUSIVE
By Colin Allcabs, Consumer Correspondent

A Suffolk gardening company is bidding to rescue one of the doomed BHS shops and rebrand the business as British Gnome Stores.

British Home Stores fell into administration today after last-minute rescue talks failed, putting 11,000 jobs at risk across the country.

But one flagship outlet could be transformed with a gnome makeover.

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“We may only be able to afford one store in Ipswich to begin with,” said a spokesman for Bushbrand.

“Many people still call BHS by its old name, British Home Stores, and we hope to capitalise on this. While the BHS brand is ailing, gardening is having a boom time and our gnomes are always in big demand.

“Many people buy one gnome for a bit of a joke, then they fall for the loveable little rogues and they begin huge collections.”

british gnome storesBritish Gnome Stores will rescue British Home Stores

Former Prime Minister John Major’s family were gnome-makers and during his era there was a resurgence in the cheeky little garden decorations.

Suffolk Gazette gardening expert Anita Bush, whose family run Bushbrand, said: “Only last week my In My Lady Garden column featured a Tractor Boy Ipswich Town gnome.

“We prefer to think of them as garden sculptures. There is a great deal of snobbishness from people who have garden statues of cherubs reading books, while decrying those who want a mooning gnome or one carrying a little bucket of carrots.

“If our company is successful in our negotiations with the BHS administrators we will have a giant department store of gnomes just in time for the gardening season.

“Then we hope to have British Gnome Stores all over the country.”

The demise of BHS is seen as the biggest failure on the British High Street since Woolworths collapsed in 2008.

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Ed Sheeran statue planned by council

The Editor
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By Arthur Aspall, Entertainment Editor

A bronze statue of Ed Sheeran has been commissioned by Suffolk County Council to mark the singer-songwriter’s connections to the county.

The work of art will be produced by students from the University of East Anglia in Ipswich, and is expected to cost local taxpayers £75,000.

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Sheeran, who is today quoted as being worth £45 million in the Sunday Times Rich List, is said to be “delighted and honoured” by the tribute, which should be completed by August.

The life-sized Ed Sheeran statue, featuring the star standing up playing his trademark small guitar, will be placed outside The Steamboat public house in Ipswich, where Sheeran performed when he was first starting out.

ed sheeran statuePride of Suffolk: Ed Sheeran

Resin 12-inch copies of the Ed Sheeran statue will later be made available to the public for £19.99 at Wyevale garden centres, with any profits going to Suffolk Save Our Gingers charity.

A pal of the star, whose family home is in Framlingham, told the Suffolk Gazette: “Ed is incredibly proud of his Suffolk heritage. He’s very humbled that the county wishes to build a statue in his honour.”

The statue will be close to one of Cardinal Wolsey, who was another famous son of Suffolk.

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Shakespeare death is latest 2016 celebrity shock

The Editor
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Shakespeare death is latest 2016 celebrity shock

By Arthur Aspall, Entertainment Editor

The internet went into meltdown today as William Shakespeare became the latest in a long list of celebrities to die this year.

The nation was devastated by news that Britain’s greatest wordsmith was dead – and everyone rushed to social media to write: “Oh no! Not Will as well. Go away, Grim Reaper – you’re working from the wrong list.”

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Reports of Shakespeare’s death came just days after the passing of rock legend Prince and comedy favourite Victoria Wood. Last month Ronnie Corbett died, while early in 2016 we lost David Bowie, just days after he performed in a Suffolk curry house, Motorhead singer Lemmy and even dear old Terry Wogan.

Add to that film star Alan Rickman, David Gest and magician Paul Daniels, and Britain’s social commentators are in a permanent state of mourning.

william shakespeare deadBard news: Shakespeare is dead

Facebook and Twitter exploded as ordinary people paid their respects to Shakespeare, who wrote best-sellers such as Hamlet, Twelfth Night, and As You Like It.

Courtney Pace, from Lowestoft, wrote on Facebook: “RIP, Shakespeare. I woz not a fan of your stories at school, but I’m sorry you died. Legend.”

And Trev Gaynor from Ipswich used Photoshop to make a poignant picture of Romeo and Juliet crying. He added: “I can’t believe another has gone. What is it with 2016? Bugger off Grim Reaper.”

And hundreds more paid an emotional vigil outside Shakespeare’s London home, The Globe. They stayed for hours sharing some of his best lines, and laying flowers outside the front door. Some lit candles, while others shed many tears that looked suspiciously put on for the cameras.

Everyone agreed that it was absolutely ridiculous so many famous folk had died already in 2016, and that people should quickly wrap Ronnie Wood in cotton wool to make sure he stays safe.

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Grow your own ITFC garden

The Editor
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Grow your own ITFC garden

lady garden

With the bedding plant season on the way, this week I have a real treat for you – how to grow your own Ipswich Town Football Club (ITFC). You can gaze at your landscape, set up your deckchair, knock back a few pints, sing some filthy chants and eat all the pies in the comfort of your own garden.

The idea came to me after I downed a couple of large gins and some bottles of Aspall Isabel’s Berry Suffolk Cyder. She was a lady after my own heart, often to be found in her walled garden, caressing her peaches and licking cherries.

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Isabel was a member of the renowned Cobbold brewing family, and in 1897 she married J B Chevallier of Aspall Cyder fame. Between them they left a heritage enjoyed by hen and stag parties the world over.

What is not so well known is that Isabel was also an Ipswich Town supporter and spent many hours trying to design a garden in their famous blue and white colours.

This week I finished the task for her.

Bedding is one of those skills I am an expert at. I love it when the frosts are gone and I can get out in the garden with a good solid dibber in my hand. In and out I poke it with gay abandon.

Then I drop in the seeds or seedlings or ready grown plants from the royal plant suppliers B & Q.

I am also a brilliant landscaper, as my photo shows.

itfc-gardenBlue army: Ipswich floral heaven

I taught for many years at the Gardeners’ International Training School (GITS) where I tutored Alan Titmarsh and Monty Don but they clearly didn’t have any natural abilities and could never match my expertise.

To achieve my ITFC look, you need to swirl a mixture of the following: Blue plant, white plant, blue plant, white plant, blue plant, white plant. Follow that with another taller row of blue plant, white plant, blue plant, white plant, blue plant, white plant. In the hanging baskets pop a blue plant, white plant, blue plant and white plant.

Add a blue-and-white-striped deckchair and a blue-and-white plant pot, a bottle of Blue Nun (£4.50 from ASDA) and a white bread sandwich to fulfil your Ipswich Town dreams.

But beware of weeds getting into a formation and destroying all your hard work. The most common is that in my picture below, the Dandelion (Carrowmum Religatis) which, with its canary yellow and green presence will spoil your display. It needs to be pulled out and slung on the bonfire.

yello-green-flowerSickly weeds: Get rid of these invasive yellow and green nasties

You may want some terracing in your garden and perhaps floodlights for a bit of late night action in the penalty area.

Among the plants I would recommend are blue and white lobelia, alliums, Alfius Ramsium, Bobbium Robsonius and Michaelmas McCarthinum. They need a great deal of support to stop them wilting before the season ends.

Marcusinius Evansias is an elusive plant which thrives in rich conditions but you probably can’t afford it.

My Ipswich Town garden is in a league of its own and I have no objections to you copying the plan. You may want to top off the sophistication, as I have, with the Tractor Boys sculptured gnome, which is on offer from Country Living Magazine for £9.99 or a special offer including a crate of Adnams, through the Suffolk Gazette for £500 with free delivery anywhere except Norwich.

ipswich-garden-gnomeTractor Boy: this little chap will watch over your ITFC garden

Jobs that need doing this week

Plant your chitted potatoes, stick your parsnips in and give Heather a good seeing to.

You may want to start thinking about raised beds to save you having to bend over too far when sticking your widger in.

Answers to your problems

Do remember to share my column with your gardening friends so that they can get the upmost pleasure while they get down and dirty. I can help with all sorts of issues once you go through the back door.

* Mr K B from Little London: You need to be careful or you could do some nasty damage to your half-hardy annual. Gently grasp with both hands before taking it out.

* Russell C: I’m sorry you can’t increase the size of your shallots. Write to me at the Suffolk Gazette and I will send you my intimate advice leaflet in a plain brown envelope.

* Anne from Badley: No wonder you embarrassed yourself in the front garden. I think your boyfriend probably said “bone meal” not “boner meal”.

That’s it for now. Have a great week!

anita-bush-signature

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Queen given Framlingham Castle for 90th birthday

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Queen given Framlingham Castle for 90th birthday

EXCLUSIVE
By Jane Seymour, Royal Correspondent

Framlingham Castle in Suffolk is being given to the Queen by the nation as a new country weekend retreat to mark her 90th birthday.

Her Majesty is said to be delighted with her new second home because Windsor Castle is far too big and expensive to upkeep.

Windsor will now be used more by Prince Charles and his sons, William and Harry, allowing the Queen to enjoy a lower profile in the Suffolk countryside.

In a curious twist, one of her new neighbours will be pop star Ed Sheeran, whose family live close to the quaint Suffolk town.

Framlingham Castle was chosen because of its highly-fortified walls. Originally a Norman castle, it was built in 1148 but destroyed by Henry II 30 years later. It was rebuilt by Roger Bigod, the Earl of Norfolk, but locals do not hold his title against him.

framlingham-castleQueen of the castle: Framlingham is Her Majesty’s new country home
The living accommodation within the castle walls will be modified in preparation for the Queen’s arrival, and locals will have to get used to seeing her guards, in their famous red tunics and bearskin hats, parading outside.

Framlingham Castle

Locals were excited about the news. Maurice Piper, who owns a nearby potato farm, said: “This is a very proud day for Framlingham. We are all looking forward to Her Majesty enjoying weekends in the area, although some might be a little disappointed that the castle will now be closed to the public when she is home.”

A royal insider told the Suffolk Gazette: “The Queen enjoys her weekends away, especially now she is getting a little older. She intends to split her time away from London between Framlingham and Sandringham in Norfolk, which will allow Prince Charles and the rest of the family to spend more time at Windsor.”

The cost of modifications at Framlingham is being put at £17 million and will be paid for by adding a small tax on the purchase of second homes by Londoners snapping up Suffolk properties at the expense of cash-strapped locals.

Prince William flies into Suffolk Mountain Rescue row

The Editor
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Prince William flies into Suffolk Mountain Rescue row

By Suffolk Gazette Staff

Prince William faced criticism today after agreeing to join the Suffolk Mountain Rescue Service as its first helicopter pilot.

The rescue unit, which is based near Stowmarket, already receives millions of pounds of public money each year, and has so far had no need for an expensive helicopter.

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But now more cash is being made available to buy a chopper so William can claim to have a role.

He has recently been accused of being a part-timer at the East Anglian Air Ambulance, doing only a few shifts a month as he splits his flying role with Royal engagements.

Yet critics point out Prince William has hardly done any Royal engagements either – although he has found time to stay at home with his family, enjoy holidays, and is currently touring India.

Suffolk Mountain RescuePrince William: faces avalanche of criticism

One furious fund-raiser said: “The Suffolk Mountain Rescue Service is hardly ever called upon. It gets a fortune in public funding, yet it’s rare for someone to get stuck up a hill near Lavenham.

“Even the county’s highest point, Great Wood Hill near Newmarket, which is 446 feet high, does not see many deaths, so what is the point in buying a helicopter? It’s not as though The Alps are just west of Ipswich.

“It’s obvious this is just a way for William to have a job but not have to actually do anything at all.”

The East Anglian Air Ambulance, which provides an excellent service throughout the region, was unaware that its Royal pilot would be switching to the Suffolk Mountain Rescue Service.

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An insider said: “Mountains are dangerous places and we suppose this will make walking or cycling in Suffolk just that little bit safer.”

Accounts show the Suffolk Mountain Rescue Service received £14 million in public funding in 2015. A spokesman said: “We can confirm we are getting a further £4 million this year to buy a helicopter.”

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