Friday, April 4, 2025
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The Queen and Obamas join Prince Harry in video spoof

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By Jane Seymour, Royal Correspondent

If you need to promote your sporting event, who better to ask than the Queen and the Obamas? Fortunately, Prince Harry was able to rope them all in for this funny video to promote the Invictus Games.

Perhaps Harry’s message alert tone will catch on?

It’s time for your dream erection

lady garden

Have you ever dreamed of owning a shed or greenhouse? This is traditionally the time those erection boys get their tools out ready for a good screwing. Even if you are tight for space, you’d be surprised how easy it is to squeeze one in.

There is everything from a tiny shed smaller than a wardrobe, for under £100 to say, a deluxe shed-cum-office for £6,000.

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A shed, to my mind, should smell of creosote, meths, bike oil, paint tins and putty. A neighbour of mine brews barrels of beer in his shed and often after a riotous garden party, he’ll invite me into his little “man retreat” to look at his shrivelled old onions, which he likes me to tie up with string.

My husband keeps some of his DVDs in the shed. I think he said one of them was Debbie Does Dahlias. And I didn’t even think he was interested in gardening!

garden shed beerThe joy of sheds: my neighbour brews beer in his

Your erection can be made quite quickly but will probably need a good hard base. Many do it themselves but I have always got a man in.

A greenhouse, of course, is very desirable and perfect for raising seedlings and keeping a continuous supply of salad greens and tomatoes.

I am growing the well-known tomato variety Ailsa Craig. I thought that was a busty 1950s television hostess, but Ailsa Craig is actually a volcanic island in the Firth of Forth and the tomatoes hark back to the days when Scotland was famous the world over for growing tomatoes, not deep-frying Mars Bars or getting your hair cut like The Krankies.

There is something very satisfying about growing your own crops. I recently saw a video on Facebook about a school in America where children grow their own school dinners.

Seeds

If some kid in the USA can do it, then anyone can. Even you Suffolk Gazette readers! Simply buy a packet of seeds (you can get them in all good garden centres) and snip the top open with a pair of scissors.

You will find the seeds are very tiny and there won’t be many of them, leaving you wondering why you paid £3.99 for something you are probably going to kill anyway. Then follow the instructions on the back of the packet about when to plant and how far to stick them in.

If you can’t be bothered with seeds, then try the less fallible plug plants and pop them into your John Inman’s compost. Water them when you go out for a fag. It’s what healthy living is all about.

For inspiration, just take a look at the magnificent cauliflower in my photo. It was raised by my sister on our allotment. Look at the size of it compared to a packet of Rothmans. It could easily feed a family of four.

cauliflowerMy giant cauliflower

And our Brussels sprouts, pictured just below the cauli, were as big as peas.

Taking into consideration the cost of the seeds, the compost, the plant food, and the man hours, these organic, tasty vegetables cost about £85. A bit pricier than the shops, you might say, but we know how much care went into them and that no harmful pesticides were used.

We keep birds off the vegetable plot with old CDs tied on string to distract them. My sister finds that her old David Essex and Phil Collins ones would deter even the most persistent pigeon.

If that fails, we just chuck cider bottles at them and yell at them to feck off.

I read this week that peppermint (AfterEightus) and rosemary (roastius lambium) can boost your memory. I grew some but I can’t remember where!

Jobs to do this week

– Trim your candytuft to encourage fresh new growth.

– Pop Basil (Fawltium Towerius) in with tomatoes to deter whitefly.

– Check that the mower is good to go. You may need to nip out for some lubricant.

– Tend those baby radishes (Burpus Repeatia). I recently went to a restaurant in Bury St Edmunds where they served them with the fresh young leaves attached. They were peppery and delicious. So if you grow your own, eat the lot. As the plants get older, like those in the shops, the leaves can be too tough and furry and nobody wants to munch on a big old hairy thing.

Your questions answered

Please keep sending me your comments. The Editor of the Suffolk Gazette says that Anita Bush is going down really well. And he should know.

Now for the answers to your problems.

* Mr R H from Felixstowe: It sounds to me as though you have a fungal problem with your peonies. I would go back to the fuchsia. Or book an appointment with the Ipswich STD clinic.

* Miss Hancock: I’m glad it’s looking lusher than ever and glad you enjoy my titbits. I learned most of my tricks from the Royal Whoreticultural Society.

* Mr P F from Stowmarket: Try the Garden Supplies Specialist in Soho for the replacement of your waterbutt plug. They do them in all sizes to prevent leaks and there is even a very fetching glow-in-the-dark one for the more adventurous.

That’s it for this week – have a great Bank Holiday weekend!

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Tractor lovers now have own internet dating site

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EXCLUSIVE
By Roger Dickinson

A new internet dating site to match tractor lovers has been set up in Suffolk.

TractorMatch.com launches next month with a glittering party at the site’s HQ – a cowshed in Bungay.

“There was a gap in the dating market and we hope to fill it with our infallible vetting system,” said owners Willy and Fanny Joyner.

The Suffolk Gazette was shown around the cowshed with its hi-tech method of sorting partners. Answers to online questionnaires are printed out and placed in an in-tray. Then, when they have enough, the Joyners spread all the forms out on a large table.

“We’ll then close our eyes and stick a pin in one form – and then another to match it. That way, we keep the mystery of romance, like in real life,” explained Fanny.

tractormatch comRural frolics for tractor lovers: Now you can find your ideal countryside partner
Any potential problems have already been ironed out thanks to the in-depth TractorMatch.com questionnaire, which should mean rural lovers can find their perfect partner.

Sample questions shown to the Suffolk Gazette include:

Sport:
A) Do you, or have you ever, supported Norwich FC?
B) Have you ever been to Portman Road, Ipswich?
C) Do you own a blue and white scarf?
D) Did your gran have a crush on Paul Mariner?

Is your dream meal at:
A) The Ivy?
B) Pizza Hut?
C) Nando’s Ipswich?
D) The Harvester?

Is your secret fantasy:
A) A threesome?
B) Playing Doctors and Nurses?
C) Skinny Dipping?
D) Rolling in a pile of hay naked apart from green wellies?

What would you expect a date to cost:
A) £1000 fine dining, taxis, nightclub and hotel?
B) £100 cinema, curry, taxis, cocktails?
C) £50 take-out brought back on the bus?
D) £20…a pint at Wetherspoons, kebab, packet of condoms?

If you could drive any vehicle, would it be:
A) A Ferrari 458?
B) BMW 7 series?
C) John Deere mower?
D) A combine harvester?

Who do you admire most:
A) The Duchess Sarah Ferguson?
B) Football boss Sir Alex Ferguson?
C) Three Degrees singer Sheila Ferguson?
D) Farm equipment maker Massey Ferguson?

Is your favourite vegetable:
A) Green pepper?
B) Spinach?
C) Tomato?
D) Turnip?

If your lover gave you the perfect gift, would it be:
A) A diamond?
B) A Rolex watch?
C) Designer shoes?
D) A Tractor Boys mug?

Are you looking for:
A) Friendship?
B) Romance?
C) Marriage?
D) A ride on a tractor?

Which is your favourite group:
A) Elbow?
B) Arctic Monkeys?
C) Boyzone?
D) Mud?

We understand that Ralph Bishop, the Suffolk man who admitted having sex WITH tractors, has already been banned from the site.

Mr Joyner said: “It will only cost £10 to join TractorMatch.com but you could find your soil mate.”

Suffolk border wall like giant Portaloo to reflect Norfolk life

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By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

The huge border wall being built to keep Norfolk migrants out of Suffolk has been painted to look like a giant Portaloo to reflect what lies north of the county line.

Our exclusive photos show work on the project at Brandon, which we first revealed on April 11, has got off to a flying start and will soon be extended for the length of the border.

“We wanted the Norfolk Suffolk border wall to look like a giant Portaloo to warn Suffolk residents about the danger of crossing the border into Norfolk, where it is a bit s*it,” one of the security bosses told us.

Norfolk Suffolk border

He added: “There is a secondary benefit, whereby any Norfolk peasant approaching the Suffolk border sees the wall as being in the colours of Ipswich Town Football Club. It should, therefore, deter them from trying to sneak across.”

suffolk-border-wall-againPortaloo sunset: at the end of the day, no-one wants to go to Norfolk

portalooFestival goers answering the call of nature will now be reminded of life in Norfolk
The railway crossing at Brandon is being changed to Checkpoint Barley to allow those who really need to travel between the counties to pass through the wall into no man’s land, provided the Norfolk lot have the correct paperwork.

We first revealed the Norfolk Suffolk border wall on April 11, when work was just starting. Security staff will now be extending it across the remainder of the 80-mile border.

suffolk-norfolk-wall-againFlashback to when work started on the wall earlier this month

BHS saved by British Gnome Stores

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EXCLUSIVE
By Colin Allcabs, Consumer Correspondent

A Suffolk gardening company is bidding to rescue one of the doomed BHS shops and rebrand the business as British Gnome Stores.

British Home Stores fell into administration today after last-minute rescue talks failed, putting 11,000 jobs at risk across the country.

But one flagship outlet could be transformed with a gnome makeover.

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“We may only be able to afford one store in Ipswich to begin with,” said a spokesman for Bushbrand.

“Many people still call BHS by its old name, British Home Stores, and we hope to capitalise on this. While the BHS brand is ailing, gardening is having a boom time and our gnomes are always in big demand.

“Many people buy one gnome for a bit of a joke, then they fall for the loveable little rogues and they begin huge collections.”

british gnome storesBritish Gnome Stores will rescue British Home Stores

Former Prime Minister John Major’s family were gnome-makers and during his era there was a resurgence in the cheeky little garden decorations.

Suffolk Gazette gardening expert Anita Bush, whose family run Bushbrand, said: “Only last week my In My Lady Garden column featured a Tractor Boy Ipswich Town gnome.

“We prefer to think of them as garden sculptures. There is a great deal of snobbishness from people who have garden statues of cherubs reading books, while decrying those who want a mooning gnome or one carrying a little bucket of carrots.

“If our company is successful in our negotiations with the BHS administrators we will have a giant department store of gnomes just in time for the gardening season.

“Then we hope to have British Gnome Stores all over the country.”

The demise of BHS is seen as the biggest failure on the British High Street since Woolworths collapsed in 2008.

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Ed Sheeran statue planned by council

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By Arthur Aspall, Entertainment Editor

A bronze statue of Ed Sheeran has been commissioned by Suffolk County Council to mark the singer-songwriter’s connections to the county.

The work of art will be produced by students from the University of East Anglia in Ipswich, and is expected to cost local taxpayers £75,000.

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Sheeran, who is today quoted as being worth £45 million in the Sunday Times Rich List, is said to be “delighted and honoured” by the tribute, which should be completed by August.

The life-sized Ed Sheeran statue, featuring the star standing up playing his trademark small guitar, will be placed outside The Steamboat public house in Ipswich, where Sheeran performed when he was first starting out.

ed sheeran statuePride of Suffolk: Ed Sheeran

Resin 12-inch copies of the Ed Sheeran statue will later be made available to the public for £19.99 at Wyevale garden centres, with any profits going to Suffolk Save Our Gingers charity.

A pal of the star, whose family home is in Framlingham, told the Suffolk Gazette: “Ed is incredibly proud of his Suffolk heritage. He’s very humbled that the county wishes to build a statue in his honour.”

The statue will be close to one of Cardinal Wolsey, who was another famous son of Suffolk.

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Shakespeare death is latest 2016 celebrity shock

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By Arthur Aspall, Entertainment Editor

The internet went into meltdown today as William Shakespeare became the latest in a long list of celebrities to die this year.

The nation was devastated by news that Britain’s greatest wordsmith was dead – and everyone rushed to social media to write: “Oh no! Not Will as well. Go away, Grim Reaper – you’re working from the wrong list.”

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Reports of Shakespeare’s death came just days after the passing of rock legend Prince and comedy favourite Victoria Wood. Last month Ronnie Corbett died, while early in 2016 we lost David Bowie, just days after he performed in a Suffolk curry house, Motorhead singer Lemmy and even dear old Terry Wogan.

Add to that film star Alan Rickman, David Gest and magician Paul Daniels, and Britain’s social commentators are in a permanent state of mourning.

william shakespeare deadBard news: Shakespeare is dead

Facebook and Twitter exploded as ordinary people paid their respects to Shakespeare, who wrote best-sellers such as Hamlet, Twelfth Night, and As You Like It.

Courtney Pace, from Lowestoft, wrote on Facebook: “RIP, Shakespeare. I woz not a fan of your stories at school, but I’m sorry you died. Legend.”

And Trev Gaynor from Ipswich used Photoshop to make a poignant picture of Romeo and Juliet crying. He added: “I can’t believe another has gone. What is it with 2016? Bugger off Grim Reaper.”

And hundreds more paid an emotional vigil outside Shakespeare’s London home, The Globe. They stayed for hours sharing some of his best lines, and laying flowers outside the front door. Some lit candles, while others shed many tears that looked suspiciously put on for the cameras.

Everyone agreed that it was absolutely ridiculous so many famous folk had died already in 2016, and that people should quickly wrap Ronnie Wood in cotton wool to make sure he stays safe.

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Grow your own ITFC garden

lady garden

With the bedding plant season on the way, this week I have a real treat for you – how to grow your own Ipswich Town Football Club (ITFC). You can gaze at your landscape, set up your deckchair, knock back a few pints, sing some filthy chants and eat all the pies in the comfort of your own garden.

The idea came to me after I downed a couple of large gins and some bottles of Aspall Isabel’s Berry Suffolk Cyder. She was a lady after my own heart, often to be found in her walled garden, caressing her peaches and licking cherries.

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Isabel was a member of the renowned Cobbold brewing family, and in 1897 she married J B Chevallier of Aspall Cyder fame. Between them they left a heritage enjoyed by hen and stag parties the world over.

What is not so well known is that Isabel was also an Ipswich Town supporter and spent many hours trying to design a garden in their famous blue and white colours.

This week I finished the task for her.

Bedding is one of those skills I am an expert at. I love it when the frosts are gone and I can get out in the garden with a good solid dibber in my hand. In and out I poke it with gay abandon.

Then I drop in the seeds or seedlings or ready grown plants from the royal plant suppliers B & Q.

I am also a brilliant landscaper, as my photo shows.

itfc-gardenBlue army: Ipswich floral heaven

I taught for many years at the Gardeners’ International Training School (GITS) where I tutored Alan Titmarsh and Monty Don but they clearly didn’t have any natural abilities and could never match my expertise.

To achieve my ITFC look, you need to swirl a mixture of the following: Blue plant, white plant, blue plant, white plant, blue plant, white plant. Follow that with another taller row of blue plant, white plant, blue plant, white plant, blue plant, white plant. In the hanging baskets pop a blue plant, white plant, blue plant and white plant.

Add a blue-and-white-striped deckchair and a blue-and-white plant pot, a bottle of Blue Nun (£4.50 from ASDA) and a white bread sandwich to fulfil your Ipswich Town dreams.

But beware of weeds getting into a formation and destroying all your hard work. The most common is that in my picture below, the Dandelion (Carrowmum Religatis) which, with its canary yellow and green presence will spoil your display. It needs to be pulled out and slung on the bonfire.

yello-green-flowerSickly weeds: Get rid of these invasive yellow and green nasties

You may want some terracing in your garden and perhaps floodlights for a bit of late night action in the penalty area.

Among the plants I would recommend are blue and white lobelia, alliums, Alfius Ramsium, Bobbium Robsonius and Michaelmas McCarthinum. They need a great deal of support to stop them wilting before the season ends.

Marcusinius Evansias is an elusive plant which thrives in rich conditions but you probably can’t afford it.

My Ipswich Town garden is in a league of its own and I have no objections to you copying the plan. You may want to top off the sophistication, as I have, with the Tractor Boys sculptured gnome, which is on offer from Country Living Magazine for £9.99 or a special offer including a crate of Adnams, through the Suffolk Gazette for £500 with free delivery anywhere except Norwich.

ipswich-garden-gnomeTractor Boy: this little chap will watch over your ITFC garden

Jobs that need doing this week

Plant your chitted potatoes, stick your parsnips in and give Heather a good seeing to.

You may want to start thinking about raised beds to save you having to bend over too far when sticking your widger in.

Answers to your problems

Do remember to share my column with your gardening friends so that they can get the upmost pleasure while they get down and dirty. I can help with all sorts of issues once you go through the back door.

* Mr K B from Little London: You need to be careful or you could do some nasty damage to your half-hardy annual. Gently grasp with both hands before taking it out.

* Russell C: I’m sorry you can’t increase the size of your shallots. Write to me at the Suffolk Gazette and I will send you my intimate advice leaflet in a plain brown envelope.

* Anne from Badley: No wonder you embarrassed yourself in the front garden. I think your boyfriend probably said “bone meal” not “boner meal”.

That’s it for now. Have a great week!

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