If the Suffolk Gazette was a radio show, then Brian and Doris from Melton would be its star performers.

Those who remembered the hilarious phone-in from Brian to Town 102, talking about the Great Hurricane and how his mum Doris, aged 94, was the mystery person to phone the BBC to warn it was coming, will be pleased to know we’ve found two more ‘Brian from Melton’ phone-ins.

In the first, he tells radio Town 102’s Nick Pandolfi that he and his long-suffering mum are moving out of Melton because of the unwelcome attention they got from the original broadcast – including visits from the Sunday Mirror and calls from the Tricia Show on Channel 5 “which we can’t get in Melton because we’re still extraterrestrial here”.

Next, Brian rings in to Nick’s show trying to win a trip to Pleasurewood Hills for his mum, who has wanted to visit the theme park “near Loowestorft” for years.

Both are highly recommended listening, and we’ve added the original call, which started it all off, at the bottom, which featured the unfortunate loss of Doris’ tea towels and a torrid time for Biscuit the dog.

Moving:

Pleasurewood Hills

The original ‘Great Storm’ call

The recordings were first broadcast back in 2013, and Nick has since left Town 102 (although he returned to guest broadcast a short while ago).

As a thank you for using his Doris from Melton material here, we’ll happily give his website a plug.

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By Rob Banks
Crime Editor

Suffolk Police are investigating how children of the 1970s and 1980s were corrupted by the depraved activities on their favourite television shows.

Officers were aghast when they discovered how nudity, drug taking, violence and theft used to be rife on children’s TV in Britain – and they now believe those shows could be responsible for soaring crime today.

A force insider said: “When we found just how explicit television for youngsters was in those days, it became clear why so many grew up misbehaving.”

The officer, who asked not to be named, said prosecutions could be brought against the shows’ producers. He provided the Suffolk Gazette with a list of shows that were under investigation, and why:

Scooby Doo: Scooby and Shaggy were tripping hippies with permanent munchies

Snow White: Lived in a house with seven men

Captain Pugwash: Was known to Roger, the cabin boy

Tarzan: Paraded around in near nudity

Looney Tunes: Made light of mental illness

Batman: Drove around at excessive speeds of over 200mph

Popeye: Covered in tattoos and smoked a dodgy pipe

Cinderella: Stayed out until after midnight despite her family’s wishes

Aladdin: A thief

Pinocchio: Habitual teller of lies

Wacky Races: Promoted road rage

Magic Roundabout: Featured a drugged-up rabbit called Dylan

Fingerbobs: Featured a creepy man in grey gloves and jumper

Noddy: Young boy in inappropriate relationship with older man (Big Ears)

Black Beauty: Racist

Mr Benn: Featured a man who liked dressing up

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An Ipswich woman has triumphed for a record third year running in the World Feeling Cold Championships, held in Saudi Arabia.

Tracy Dell, a 43-year-old housewife and mother of four, managed to complain about feeling “absolutely frozen” 127 times during the 12-hour competition – even though temperatures were in the high 90s.

This was a new personal best for Mrs Dell, shattering her previous record of 98 complaints during last year’s event on Copacabana Beach in Rio De Janeiro. The world record was 130 complaints set by an Australian woman during the 1999 event in The Bahamas.

Mrs Del beat 3,000 other woman to claim the title and the prize of an Arctic survival suit and free central heating oil for a year.

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The Suffolk Gazette tried to contact Mr Dell last night to ask about his wife’s triumph, but he was unavailable for comment.

He is believed to be serving six months in prison for non-payment of the family’s last quarterly heating bill, which is believed to be in excess of £30,000.

* Disclaimer: This spoof is not, in any way, shape, or form, intended to lampoon the fairer sex and their infuriating propensity to constantly whine about feeling “frozen”, irrespective of the time of the year, ambient temperature, central heating setting, being on a collision course with the sun with only minutes to impact etc.

* To read more from this contributor, please visit Soz Satire.