EXCLUSIVE
By Polly Ticks
Political Correspondent

There was widespread concern today about the people of Norfolk being given the vote for the first time later this year, the Suffolk Gazette can reveal.

The remote county has been excluded from all democratic processes for centuries because it is widely accepted that the locals are not educated enough to understand the complexities of politics.

While most Norfolk people can not read, many more can not write – or even hold a pencil correctly in order to mark a cross on a ballot paper.

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But now the Electoral Commission has insisted the county gets the vote, with a trial set for the EU in/out referendum in June.

An insider said: “We don’t expect many from Norfolk to have a clue what’s going on, but in modern Britain everyone should be treated equally and have their say on important matters.

“We are creating some special drawings to show residents how to vote on the day, and just have to assume they have a basic understanding of what the issues are and which way they want to vote.”

A major concern is that huge numbers of locals could easily be bribed with turnips or Woodforde’s Wherry beer.

However, one man said he was looking forward to voting for the first time. “I love X Factor and it can’t be any harder than voting on that,” said Billy Bob Spuckler, from Downham Market.

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By Iona Diamond
Fashion Editor

After years of searching, a Suffolk mother has found a pair of plain pyjamas with NO animal cartoon or slogan – and NOT in pink or sky-blue.

“It is such a relief,” said Ida Downe. “I honestly never thought this day would come. I thought I’d be searching until I died and that I’d be in my coffin wearing something pink with a cartoon elephant on.”

The unusual pyjamas, in plain grey marl, were found at a boutique in Bury St Edmunds. Mrs Downe, from Finborough Road, Stowmarket, said: “The shop owner said they found them during a refurb. They were covered in dust and they think they had been there since 1989 and they may even have been made in Britain.

“They put them out for a joke to see if anyone would buy them.

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“It may have been a joke to them but it was the end of a serious search for me. My son Hugo is 16 and I have been looking for plain pyjamas since I was pregnant

“I noticed around that time that they all had a kitten or puppy on. I went to all the supermarkets and they were the same, in baby pink, blue and lemon with baby elephant cartoons or Ninja Turtles.

“Then came all the slogans like, ‘I’m a Sleepyhead’, ‘Bedtime Beauty’, ‘Snooze Time’ and ‘Take Me To Bed’. There were owls and pigs and big shiny lips.

“It was like being in a nightmare. I don’t know how any self-respecting woman can actually sleep in a yellow pyjama top with a yawning baby dinosaur.”

Taking the Mickey: silly cartoon pyjamas

Mrs Downe said: “I did research on the internet but that made it worse. Every click produced another cat under a duvet, sequins of the New York skyline, sleeping litters of glittery piglets or one of The Simpsons yawning. I thought I was going mad.

“I reached the point where I went to the doctor for sleeping pills.

“Then, just as I was giving up and in complete despair, I found this plain grey pair. The shopkeeper’s mum, who also works there, said she had a vague memory of them also being in plain navy but then the cartoon revolution began and they were consigned to a cupboard that was later covered by a wall.

“They had a label on which said £12 which is about £9 dearer than the imports they have now but they were worth every penny to me.

“I phoned the Antiques Road Show and they told me to bring them for a valuation next time they are in Suffolk.

“They are extremely rare and their experts can’t remember seeing a pyjama top without a printed slogan or decoupage cartoon for years. They could be worth hundreds of pounds but I will never part with them.”

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By Foo Tse
Economics Correspondent

Adnams beer duty is being axed to save drinkers around 45p per pint, the Suffolk Gazette can reveal.

Small print in Chancellor George Osborne’s budget shows that while he froze duty on beer across the rest of the country, he has actually cut Adnams beer duty to zero.

The move is seen as payback for Suffolk residents who have to put up with rich Conservative supporters from London buying up thousands of second homes across the coastal area.

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A treasury spokesman confirmed: “Adnams is brewed in Southwold and is a world-class product, and the people of Suffolk deserve to get it tax free. Cheers!”

Wood burners

Closer examination of the Budget reveals other measures for Suffolk that were not picked up by the national media:

– A 25% tax on trendy wood burners
– A 10% tax hike on shell suits sold in Ipswich
– £105 million extra to pay for interpreters in Ipswich courts
– Greater Anglia keeping the region’s train franchise for another 15 years
– A new lane on the A12 exclusively for London second-home owners driving to Suffolk in their 4x4s
– £40 million to further strengthen the security fencing to keep Norfolk people out of Suffolk

But it was the beer tax which will grab Suffolk residents’ attention. One boozer in The Greyhound, a popular Adnams pub in Ipswich, said: “You could raise the price of Adnams by 45p a pint and we’d still drink it. In fact, some pubs have!”

The Editor of the Suffolk Gazette said he wanted to remind readers that Adnams is his beer of choice, so please remember that when using this link to buy him a beer.

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By Colin Allcabs
Consumer Correspondent

Upmarket AGA cookers have been urgently recalled because some of the colours have suddenly gone out of date.

Housewives are being offered counselling after realising their kitchen showpiece might not be as achingly cool as the new one in the big farmhouse up the road.

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An AGA insider said: “We are recalling certain colours of ranges for safety. An upmarket housewife from Aldeburgh or Southwold could die of shame if they know we have brought out new colours and their kudos could be left wanting.

Cooking up a storm: some Aga colours have lost their shine

AGA ranges are often said by their owners to be “the heart of the home”, with some country folk using the warmth of the oven to rear lambs, while other, more careless ones have found themselves with a surprise lamb dinner.

Style guru Kirsty Allslop said yesterday: “If they do bring out a new colour chart for AGA cookers it could prove fatal to those who have the early, less desirable shades. They need to contact the showrooms to see if they can afford to set the latest trend. I believe AGA are setting up a hotline to help those who are suffering stress.”

It is believed one particular cooker, the Delia Delight AGA, with sickly green body and canary yellow doors, is one of those destined for the scrap yard.

The newest AGA, the Multi-Function Textmaster can be controlled from the dashboard of the BMW 5 series so that the sustainable salmon with samphire can be ready by the time owners get home from Pilates class.

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By Suffolk Gazette staff

Trimley St Martin residents are campaigning against a home for retired Fleet Street journalists in the village.

The Home for Angry and Cirrhosis-prone Kopyrighters (HACKs) has become the focus of daily protests since opening just three months ago.

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“At first we thought it was a nice idea for old folks to have somewhere peaceful to spend their final days,” says Bob Martin, leader of the Hate HACKs campaign. “But to be honest we had no idea what they were like.

“Everywhere they go they leave cigarette ends and empty bottles. Some flash cheque books at passers-by. It really is shocking.”

Another local said: “All most of them do is drink, smoke and boast about outrageous expenses claims. A few just rock back and forth, making obscene comments about editors.”

One of the HACKs residents, pictured yesterday

There have been reports of former journalists spending hours slumped on benches in the village in an apparent torpor before all charging at once, shouting, pushing and jostling startled residents.

“I was only taking the dog for a quick walk when they rushed at me all of a sudden, asking me to confirm or deny if I’d had bacon for breakfast,” a local housewife said.

Even the local church has made a complaint. “Dorothy, who comes in to dust and do the flowers, was asked if I had been paying off the Vatican to keep quiet,” commented Reverend Neil Cushion. “St Martin’s has been Anglican since 1533.”

The journalists are also accused of abusing the hard-pressed health system. “One was rushed to A & E after claiming he had a novel in him. A thorough examination found that this was a delusion, brought on by excess alcohol consumption,” a hospital spokesman reported.

But some locals are more sympathetic. “They are the last of a generation,” reflected a Felixstowe pub landlord. “For years they earned their crust as best they knew – hounding celebrities, bribing public officials, printing false stories and tiny retractions on page 32 next to the stair lift ads, and tapping phones. But now they’ve been replaced by advertising flyers and YouTubers.”

In related news, a spokeswoman for Rupert Murdoch said that rumours he wanted to purchase Suffolk as wedding gift for new bride Jerry Hall were untrue.

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