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I’m growing for Gold at The Chelsea Flower Show!

The Editor
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I’m growing for Gold at The Chelsea Flower Show!

in my lady garden

This is supposed to be a secret but you all know how gobby I am and I’m so excited that I cannot keep it to myself! I’m in line to pick up the coveted Royal Whoreticultural Gold Medal for the Best Garden at the Chelsea Flower Show next week.

Eat your heart out Titmarsh and Monty Dong. A proper gardener is about to be honoured.

If the prize is snatched from me now it is all the proof the tabloids need that the competition is fixed in favour of Hooray Henrys and friends of the Royals, and that the judges are trousering a shedful of wonga.

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I have spent the last few weeks setting up my glorious imaginative garden at the Royal Hospital grounds. The first thing I saw was a group of Chelsea Pensioners wobbling around in full regalia. I thought they were doing a remake of the Sergeant Pepper album.

Despite all the snobbishness, the Chelsea Flower Show is the greatest day for us gardeners, which is why ticket touts are demanding £1,800 a pop. It’s like a cross between a village fete with knobs on and a fashion show for plant lovers.

anita bush rose in my lady gardenProudly erect: The Anita Bush Rose is named after ME!

This truly is my time after all the years of hard graft. They’ve even named a rose after me! The Anita Bush Rose is a titty-pink climber that reeks of gin and cider. It has more than the usual number of pricks. The leaf has fetching black spots, which remind me of an acne-covered toyboy I once met in Felixstowe.

I’m expecting to meet Her Majesty The Queen at the opening ceremony and I just know she will want her gardeners to copy my landscape with its fetching car tyre atop a plastic compost bin. My sponsor is Suffolk County Council Refuse Collection Department.

anita bush chelsea flower showMy stunning garden design is set for Gold at the Chelsea Flower Show

For some reason the organisers have hinted that I might want to visit the day after the Queen, or not turn up at all as they didn’t want me to get too tired and emotional. How thoughtful of them!

Sadly, they weren’t impressed by my suggestion of taking my pink wheelbarrow full of prosecco so I could enjoy a good old drink with Her Maj.

I think their aloofness is based on jealousy, especially when they saw my avant-garde water feature: a wrinkly old hose dangling softly as it trickled into my butt. Just look how marvelous it is…

anita bush water buttGolden shower: my special water feature will help me win Gold at Chelsea

I’m not sure where the caravan in my prize-winning landscape came from, but apparently there are ten more of them, complete with tarmac laying kit, heading this way down the A14.

If you’ve never been to the Chelsea Flower Show, here are my tips. Simply book a hen party with an Ipswich coach company (they’re completely au fait with high-pressure hose clean-ups) and each take a rucksack of Adnams, Aspall’s or Champagne, depending on your budget, and plenty of Walker’s Cheese and Onion crisps – plus perhaps a shrimp paste sandwich and a Penguin for the journey. By the time you get off the coach you will be pished enough to fayshe the crowdzhe queueing at the turnshtiles and get through shecurity. Cheers, Squire!

There is a certain look you need to follow. Men wear Arthur Daley pale shoes, a pink shirt and a navy jumper wrapped round their shoulders like a scarf with arms.

Women wear floral skirts and sensible shoes and many of them carry baskets. BASKETS! Anyone would think they are going shopping with Miss Marple. And if I had a pound for every straw hat, I would have enough money to buy a jug of Chelsea Pimm’s with a borage flower floating on the top like a poo that won’t flush.

They are all PASHionate about delphiniums or alliums and can’t stand common-or-garden Busy Lizzies or marigolds growing down a path.

Gnomes are banned at Chelsea as are real-live beehives, in case someone gets stung on their posh lardy-da arse.

Pretensius Twattius

Some of these people actually sound like they are speaking in italic Latin plant names, like Pretensius Twattius. And they delight in barging in on us commoners as we head back for the coach, laden with souvenir mugs and Busy Lizzies. I have been to the show by train on the final day when they sell everything off as cheap as pommes frites. But I got some rude looks on The Tube with my Wisteria, plum tree, tray of lobelia and a couple of big erect peonies in my hand.

If you are lucky at Chelsea, you might see a really rare specimen…like a person under 50.

The best thing I ever saw there was a REVOLVING summer house, which would make you feel like a star at the London Palladium. You could turn it to face the sun, or get in the shade…or whizz it round to aim your empties towards the wheelie bin or a passing vagrant.

The show is full of marquees (which I call tents just to annoy them) and the fragrance inside is magnificent, especially the sweet peas (urinus reliefium). They were nearly as potent as the chemical Aldehyde C-11 (undecylic) which you get in “natural” perfume!

Talking of sweet peas, I once had to queue for half an hour at the show’s ladies toilet. Eventually out came Camilla, wafting her straw hat. She said: “One had better give it five minutes..”

My gold-medal garden has raised many eyebrows and is more talked of in horticultural circles than the 1959 exhibit by The Times, called The Garden of Tomorrow and featuring a radio-controlled lawn-mower, or James May’s 2009 one made entirely of Plasticine. Cock!

My Lady Garden can only be beaten by the arty Authentic Urban Garden With Piss-Stained Mattress and Broken Fridge On Gravel, sponsored by Frosty Jack’s Cider (£2.99 for three litres from all good grocery departments).

My only downfall at the Chelsea Flower Show this year was when the wind blew my floral skirt up. Apparently the judges weren’t impressed with my dried arrangement.

This week’s jobs

* Plant some marigolds along the path.

* Pinch out the tops of your fuchsia to encourage it to grow bushier.

* Stake your lupins and delphiniums.

* Buy a straw hat.

Answers to your problems

* Mr A M from Lowestoft: I’m sorry to hear about your drooping Monkshood. You may need to tie it to a stick while it regains its strength.

* Kerry Ann: I will deal with your topiary and small trunks in a feature soon, and would just urge you to make sure you keep on top of your privets, and send a photo for my male readers.

* Vivian H: I confess I am no expert at Brazilian gardens but I do believe that you need to run your mower along each side of the lawn, leaving a nice landing strip down the middle.

Have a lovely week!

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Graduating students banned from firing guns in the air

The Editor
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Graduating students banned from firing guns in the air

EXCLUSIVE
By Suffolk Gazette Staff

A Suffolk university has banned students from firing guns into the air to celebrate their graduation – because of health and safety fears.

It has been a tradition for many years for high-achieving students to enjoy themselves by shooting hundreds of rounds into he air outside Ipswich Town Hall.

However, in an article in the UCS student newspaper GetAJob, the university insisted the number of fatalities caused by little old ladies out shopping being hit by falling bullets had reached unacceptable levels in recent years.

The students were furious. One, law student Emily Smith, told the Suffolk Gazette: “This is Health and Safety gone mad. The annual bullet-dodging is nothing worse than the weekly ritual of dodging skinny lattes as they’re lobbed across safe spaces during weekly lectures on Entanglement, Post-colonial Capitalist Accumulation and Generalised Domestication.”

university student gunFiring blanks: Emily Smith is furious about the weapons ban

Now the official photographer at the Ipswich graduation ceremony next month, Pelican Photography, has confirmed: “We will be asking everyone to mime firing their weapons in the air; we shall then Photoshop the resulting havoc among the public in Ipswich town centre before printing and charging £80 for the resulting pictures.

“As well as being safer, this staged photo shoot will have the added advantage that even more of the students’ tattoos, piercings and vibrant hair colours will be seen in their photograph.”

The news comes on the day the University of East Anglia in Norfolk banned its students from throwing their graduation mortarboards in the air for health and safety reasons.

EastEnder Peggy’s ashes head for Suffolk resort

The Editor
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EastEnder Peggy’s ashes head for Suffolk resort

EastEnd pub landlady Peggy Mitchell is to have her ashes scattered at the Suffolk holiday resort where she spent happy childhood holidays.

Her last wish that was her sons Phil and Grant and daughter Sam would take her remains to Pontins at Pakefield on the lawn where her late father Jack Martin won the Knobbly Knees Contest in 1968, and where Peggy herself was voted Miss Pontin in their 1969 beauty contest.

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The famous blonde landlady, star of the Carry On film series, even met her future husband Frank Butcher on the dance floor where they came second in a Twist tournament.

Peggy died last night from breast cancer.

Her son Grant told the Suffolk Gazette: “Mum knew she was reaching the end of her life and said at a family meeting in The Vic that she wanted her ashes scattered at Pontins, which was the focus of her childhood and her teens.

“She was also friends with the Kray Twins, who spent many of their holidays on the shooting range at Pontins and later bought property in the county.

“Mum confided that she lost her virginity to Frank, the love of her turbulent life, in a chalet while her parents were on the crazy golf course.

“Despite the stardom, she remained a working class heroine until the end and wanted her ashes to go back to the place where she spent so many lovely summer holidays.”

peggy mitchell grant philPeggy, pictured with lovable sons Grant and Phil, adored her trips to Pontins in Lowestoft

The scattering of Peggy’s ashes will be at a ceremony featuring EastEnders stars and TV celebrities Dale Winton and Christopher Biggins. Comedian Jimmy Tarbuck will pay tribute to the much-loved landlady.

Prince Charles, who met Peggy many times, was invited to attend the Pontins farewell but his schedule is too busy with The Queen’s 90th birthday celebrations.

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Emergency crews suffer smoke inhalation at cannabis factory blaze

The Editor
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Emergency crews suffer smoke inhalation at cannabis factory blaze

EXCLUSIVE
By Rob Banks, Crime Editor

Emergency services were treated for chronic smoke inhalation after a blaze at an illegal cannabis factory in Ipswich.

More than 30 firefighters, 22 police officers, seven paramedics and two members of the lifeboat service were all treated for inhaling fumes as more than 3,000 cannabis plants went up in smoke.

One brave police officer was detained in hospital after dashing back into the smouldering building 17 times, just to check no one was trapped inside.

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He told startled medics he was “absolutely starving” and demanded some crisps and chocolate immediately.

A member of staff in the accident and emergency department at Ipswich Hospital said: “The poor man had the munchies and was talking complete gibberish very fast. And he kept laughing at everything.”

Fire crews were first called to a house on Woodbridge Road at 7.30pm yesterday when neighbours reported a blaze in the attic of a house.

Firefighters established the building was being used as a cannabis factory, and despite the drama, were extremely relaxed having discarded their breathing apparatus while they brought the flames under control.

cannabis factoryDopes: unusually high number of emergency crews suffered smoke inhalation

A police spokesman said: “We were called to a blaze in a house in Ipswich at 7.30pm. The building was being used as a cannabis factory. Several officers suffered from the effects of smoke inhalation, and one officer was detained in hospital.

“With no regard for his personal safety, he had gone into the building 17 times.”

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The spokesman added that the blaze was quite dramatic, and emergency services had pulled together. “It was great teamwork. Even the lifeboat service turned up to help out – despite the house being 11 miles from the coast.”

Three people were arrested on suspicion of growing cannabis with the intention of supplying.

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Norwich name Alan Partridge as new chief executive

The Editor
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Norwich name Alan Partridge as new chief executive

EXCLUSIVE
By Manik Bin Mann, Football Correspondent

Norwich City have unveiled their new chief executive following the shock resignation of David McNally.

Mr Alan Partridge will take over at Carrow Road with immediate effect, tasked with guiding the club back to the Premiership as soon as possible.

He is well known to Norwich fans, having been a popular radio and television broadcaster in Norfolk for many years.

Canaries owner Delia Smith wasted no time in replacing Mr McNally, who quit in farcical circumstances following Norwich’s calamitous plunge back into the Championship.

A club spokesman said: “Delia wanted someone with a brilliant business mind, great communication skills and innovative ideas.

“Mr Partridge ticks all the boxes and will work very well alongside our chairman Ed Balls. We think this dream partnership will get us back to the Premiership, no problem at all.”

alan partridge norwichWelcome on board: Alan Partridge will try to keep Norwich afloat

Mr Partridge, 55, was excited by his new challenge and denied rumours he knew nothing about football whatsoever. He told the Suffolk Gazette: “Aha! You won’t catch me out that easily. I know Norwich has a proud history of winning big domestic and European trophies and the top division in the country.”

Supporters were less enthusiastic about the news. Bubba Spuckler, who is a season ticket holder with his sister and their seven children, said: “I preferred him when he was on the radio.”

Invasion of Norfolk garden pests

The Editor
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Invasion of Norfolk garden pests

lady garden

EXCLUSIVE ANITA BUSH REPORT

Destructive garden pests not seen in Suffolk since 1957 have been ravaging crops after they crossed the border from neighbouring Norfolk.

The awful news was broken to me when I called in an agriculture expert to inspect my lady garden which was suffering severe damage from unusual nibbling.

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Farming inspector Anton Mycock took one look and told me what the unusual creatures were: Carrowpillars.

“They were eradicated from Suffolk in the bug wars of summertime 1957. Those that weren’t killed went back over the border to Norfolk where they interbred and grew dozens of six-toed feet.

“They had decimated the Suffolk sugar beet fields and other agriculture and we always dreaded the day they would invade again.”

carrowpillarRampaging: Carrowpillars have been spotted all over Suffolk in recent days

Mr Mycock believes that the Carrowpillars assembled in Norwich on Wednesday night after the city’s football club was relegated from the Premiership… and fled in shame.

Yesterday the garden pests were spotted in Stowmarket, Lavenham and Bury St Edmunds, demolishing crops and wreaking havoc by eating the pitch at Ipswich Town FC. Their goal is to totally destroy it.

carrowpillar treeWhile Norwich go down, Carrowpillars can go up anything

Beccles potato magnate Maurice Piper says the Carrowpillar infestation is the worst thing that’s happened to him since McCain started making oven chips.

The other Norwich invader I photographed in my garden was the Greater Spotted Sex Pest which was flashing at my melons and my fresh planting hole. Now the police are looking into in. The incident I mean, not the hole.

sex-pest-norwichPerv in privets: special branch look for sex pest

My week got worse when I phoned the editor of the Suffolk Gazette to tell him about my garden pests exclusive.

He said it should be run immediately to save the farming community, not wait until my “shite weekend column”, and that it would be better written by his Farming Correspondent Ivor Traktor. Of course I threw a Diva writer’s hissy fit. After all, my column comes before Suffolk’s historic agricultural heritage.

I said: “Don’t I even get E for Effort?”

He said: “No you get F for F*** Off. What you know about journalism you could write on the back of a postage stamp and shove up a dead gnat’s arse. And you know even less about gardening.”

I threatened to quit but he said if I went to the East Anglian or the Bury Free Press I would get even fewer readers and no “facebook shares” as their readers aren’t as tech savvy as his.

Five gins

I was so upset that I had to drink five gins, six bottles of Aspall cyder, eat seven doughnuts and listen to my Max Bygraves album.

I’m sorry to burden you, my dear, dear readers but I think you deserve to know that my life isn’t all glamorous weeding, manure and composting. I felt as battered as a Manchester United team bus.

I am staying with the Suffolk Gazette only because of you, my wonderful readers whom I consider as friends with your sad complex gardening queries and kind remarks. My husband said your questions were often filthy double meanings, but I wouldn’t know about such things.

But keep it up, as the actress said to the bishop.

Talking of friends, my old school pal Olive Branch visited last weekend and we compared photos of our lady gardens. Mine is quite small but hers is very big and she can insert vegetables of all shapes and sizes, which she does with regularity.

I am often asked by people with small gardens and courtyards if it is the “done thing” to mix flowers with vegetables and salad crops.

My answer is: “Of course! If you want to see a cucumber sticking up in the middle of a bed of pansies, do it! We are all consenting adults.”

Poke a lettuce in your lobelia, or a cauliflower in your cosmos. They will all rub along together.

cucumberTasty, fleshy cucumber

This week I have been busy pulling up chickweed and chucking it over the neighbour’s fence along with my empty Adnams bottles. I also hurled chicken poo all over the roses as the nitrogen helps bring on more blooms. It stank so much I had to go in and spray myself with my husband’s favourite Brut aftershave.

Jobs to do this week

* Hop along to the garden shops. With the ongoing frosts, wary gardeners have been putting off buying. The bedding is overdue and the stores will be desperate to get rid of plants before they get too big for their pots. You will be sure to pick up a tray of bargains if those bone idle shop workers haven’t already killed them.

* Tie in your sweet peas to one of those expensive metal curly things or just some sticks joined together like a wigwam with a bit of string.

* Beware of lily beetles and squirt them with whatever it is that kills lily beetles. Your garden centre will know. Probably.

And now the answers to your problems.

* Mr T H from Hadleigh: I would leave the lawn until you’ve given that Veronica a good seeing to.

* Monica F: Your watery eyes could be due to hay fever. If so, sod the garden and spend the summer indoors watching Heartbeat and drinking Sangria.

* Delia S from Stowmarket: You may have to cut your budget and relegate your dream garden to something more ordinary. Pull out any weeds and just fantasise about some striking specimens some time in the future.

I’ll be back next week with more invaluable advice!

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New Norwich City team bus revealed

The Editor
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New Norwich City team bus revealed

EXCLUSIVE
By Manik Bin Mann, Football Reporter

Norwich City officials have already begun cutting costs following the club’s disastrous relegation from the Premier League last night.

Many of the squad are expected to leave in the summer, but the first departure is the team’s luxury coach, which was on an expensive lease deal.

Canaries owner Delia Smith, the former television cook who makes a cracking humble pie, has instead bought a cheaper open-top bus which will cost a fraction of the old model.

In fact, it won’t cost anything to run at all.

norwich city busThe new Norwich City team coach

The new bus is pedal powered, meaning the embarrassed players will have to propel themselves to away matches, starting with this weekend’s gruelling 250-mile trip to Everton on Merseyside.

Kitted out in the club’s sickly yellow and green colours, the new bus is expected to reach speeds of 15 miles per hour. There is a place at the front for manager Alex Neil to sit and steer without having to pedal himself.

A Carrow Road insider said the team were particularly looking forward to having to ride the bus into Suffolk and to the Ipswich Town ground next season.

TV star changes his name to Sir Boaty McBoatface

The Editor
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TV star changes his name to Sir Boaty McBoatface

Furious broadcasting legend Sir David Attenborough is changing his name to Boaty McBoatface in protest over the naming of an Arctic research ship.

The British people overwhelmingly voted for the new polar vessel to be called Boaty McBoatface – but their wishes were cruelly ignored.

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Instead, the ship has been named RSS Sir David Attenborough after the famous television naturalist, 90, whose documentaries have endeared him to generations worldwide.

A pal of Sir David, who has visited Suffolk several times, fumed: “He is honoured to have a boat named after him, but he feels very strongly that the public vote for Boaty McBoatface should have been respected. He even voted for it himself.

“He is, therefore, going to change his name to Boaty McBoatface by deed poll.”

sir boaty mcboatfaceSir Boaty McBoatface

Sir Boaty, as he will now be known, hopes his selfless act will cheer the nation. He will pay for the £14 name-change fee (plus £72.50 to change his passport) out of his own pocket.

One fan who voted for the ship to be called Boaty McBoatface said: “We were very disappointed when the name was dropped, but full marks to Sir David for changing his name. He really is a national treasure.”

The Natural Environment Research Council (UK) has at least confirmed that an unmanned submarine on board the £200 million state-of-the-art RSS Sir David Attenborough will be called Boaty McBoatface.

rss sir david attenboroughRSS Sir David Attenborough

Meanwhile, Sir Boaty continues to entertain the British public. Only a few days ago, millions tuned in to watch a TV tribute to him on the occasion of his 90th birthday.

The BBC is now set to spend a considerable sum changing the titles on its huge documentary and film archive to reflect Sir Boaty’s name change.

Get our book on Kindle now! You Couldn’t Make It Up, 50 Hilarious Stories From The Suffolk Gazette is a BARGAIN! Please remember to leave a great review!

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