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Holby and Silent Witness fans delighted about Ipswich match

The Editor
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Holby and Silent Witness fans delighted about Ipswich match

Silent Witness scrapped for Lincoln Ipswich FA Cup match

Fans of Holby City and Silent Witness have been saying how happy they are that their favourite programmes have been scrapped so the BBC can screen live FA Cup action of Lincoln City against Ipswich Town.

The titanic football match means the Beeb has cleared its normal Tuesday night schedule, and everyone is delighted.

In fact, many took to social media to reflect their excitement at watching 90 minutes of Mick McCarthy’s Tractor Boys fight gallantly to avoid a cup banana skin at non-league Lincoln.

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Kate said she was “foaming” at missing Silent Witness – a condition that might require a pathologist for herself.

Kevan Aitken clearly also thinks no one is too interested in two unfashionable football teams.

Holby City fan Clare added…

It took a Lincoln fan to come up with a ratings solution…

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Meanwhile, ITV is poised to lose a large chunk of its normal audience to the BBC – with Martin Clunes: Islands of Australia expected to be watched by nobody.

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Chinese thought they were paying £30 million a year for Costa coffee chain

The Editor
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Diego Costa Chinese deal is off

The Chinese have walked away from a deal to sign Chelsea forward Diego Costa because they thought they were investing £30 million a year in a chain of coffee shops.

Middlemen got the wrong end of the stick when bosses at an Asian investment bank told them: “Get us Costa, whatever it costs.”

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They promptly put in a ridiculous £30 million a year offer to the fiery Chelsea Spaniard, who then had a bust-up with club staff when they refused to let him go.

The Stamford Bridge crisis deepened when the fixers called in a team of top barristers after further contact from China to make sure they had hired the best baristas.

Now Costa has been dropped from the Chelsea squad which travels to Leicester in the Premier League today – and the Chinese have not snapped up a sizeable investment in the Costa coffee chain.

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A source close to the club said: “It’s all been a bit of a cock-up. Costa has had a roasting from the management, but it’s not too latte for him to apologise.”

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Ipswich Town players lighten mood with new hairstyles

The Editor
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Ipswich Town players lighten mood with new hairstyles

In an attempt to lighten the mood ahead of Ipswich Town’s televised FA Cup replay at non-league Lincoln City, the Tractor Boys have adopted terrible haircuts of old footballers.

Even manager Mick McCarthy gets in on the act, although you’ll have to scroll all the way to the bottom to see his effort.

After some deliberation, you might conclude they would all be better getting rid of their hair altogether, perhaps using the best head shaver around.

Cole SkuseCole Skuse as Brian Little

Midfielder Cole Skuse has chosen to wear the mop favoured by former Aston Villa star Brian Little in the 1970s (above), while striker David McGoldrick opted for Columbian forward Carlos Valderrama (below).

David McGoldrick as Carlos Valderrama

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Forward Brett Pitman went for the fetching comb-over look favoured by former Manchester United and England star Bobby Charlton in the 1960s.

Brett PitmanBrett Pitman as Bobby Charlton

Skipper Luke Chambers, on-loan winger Tom Lawrence, defender Adam Webster and striker Freddie Sears have all gone for striking wild mullets as made famous by the likes of Chelsea’s Ian Britton, Portsmouth’s Alan Biley, Chris Waddle and even Robbie Savage.

Luke Chambers as Ian Britton

Adam Webster as Alan Biley

Tom Lawrence as Chris Waddle

Feddie Sears as Robbie Savage

Meanwhile, left back Jonas Knudsen sports a pineapple hairstyle made famous by Nottingham Forest’s Jason Lee, about whom the crowds chanted: “He’s got a pineapple on his head”.

Jonas KnudsenJonas Knudsen as Jason Lee

Defender Christophe Berra has gone for a natty mop that was worn inexplicably by former Chelsea player John Dempsey back in the 1970s. It’s quite fetching…

Christophe BerraChristophe Berra as John Dempsey

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Young starlet Andre Dozzell looks fab with his Ronaldo (large Ronaldo from Brazil) shave.

Andre Dozzell as Ronaldo

Goalkeeper Bartosz Bialkowski chose the famous hairstyle sported by keeper Rene Higuita from Colombia, who you’ll recall did the famous scorpion-kick save at Wembley.

Bartosz Bialkowski as Rene Higuita

And finally, even under-fire manager Mick McCarthy has got in on the act, although we’re not sure if this is actually a disguise or not.

Mick McCarthyMick McCarthy as himself

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Bit of snow to paralyse Suffolk

The Editor
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Bit of snow to paralyse Suffolk

Snow in Bury St Edmunds, Suffolk

By Suffolk Gazette Weather Desk

Suffolk will grind to a halt tomorrow as up to three millimetres of snow is expected to blanket the county.

Traffic will come to a standstill, schools across the region will close on Friday, and shops will sell out of milk and bread.

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The entirely unexpected wintry weather has not been seen since as long ago as last winter, leaving many unprepared for the chaos that will sweep in with the blizzards, which could cause snow drifts of up to three centimetres.

A Met Office spokesman said: “As is quite common in January it will turn slightly chilly. In which case, rain might fall as a bit of snow.”

The warning sent shock waves through Suffolk. Mum of three Karen Willis, from Woodbridge said: “This will cause major problems. It must be global warming or something to do with the Russians.”

However, Northern women were not worried about snow.

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Police are advising motorists to leave home earlier than normal to prepare for delays. “We suggest leaving home two days early,” a spokesman said.

(Bury St Edmunds photo by Martin Pettitt, reproduced under Creative Commons License)

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Norfolk’s answer to Ed Sheeran still waiting for success

The Editor
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Norfolk’s answer to Ed Sheeran still waiting for success

Norfolk’s answer to Ed Sheeran is not quite getting the same success as Suffolk’s ginger superstar, it has emerged.

But Wyll James is to be commended for his effort (see below), which has attracted some favourable comments on YouTube from the few people in Norfolk who can read.

Sheeran’s latest hit, Castle on the Hill, is a self-confessed love song about Suffolk, his home county, and has received 20 million YouTube views in just a couple of days.

Meanwhile, James’ release, Talk Norfolk (Norfolk Style), has mounted an impressive 11,000 views in a year and a half.

Now you can view the smash hit from Norfolk’s finest rock star…

Here at the Suffolk Gazette, we love a trier – even if he is from Norfolk. And in fairness, he did get an impressive 900,000 views three years ago from his Norfolk Gangnam Style song!

Trabant car brand revived by Norfolk businessman

The Editor
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Trabant car brand revived by Norfolk businessman

Trabant

The famous Trabant car marque is being revived with the building of a new state-of-the-art factory in Norfolk.

Experts say the much-anticipated return of the Trabant, pictured above, will drag motoring in East Anglia into the 21st century.

The Trabant was a staple of communist life in the former East Germany, and further afield in the Eastern Bloc.

Famous for its plastic body and lusty 26 horsepower engine, the cars zoomed to 60mph in a pant-wetting 21 seconds. Coincidentally, 60mph was also the top speed (downhill).

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Norfolk businessman Billy Bob Spuckler, who lives in Downham Market with his sister and their eight children, claims reviving the car will put Norfolk at the forefront of global automobile industry, beating the super reliability and build quality of the Japanese and Germans.

He said: “I was on holiday abroad in Clacton and met this bloke in a bar who offered to sell me the Trabant name and manufacturing blueprints for £200. It seemed almost too good to be true – so I bit his hand off, not literally of course. Norfolk people will be the envy of Britain when they start driving these beauties around the lanes.”

The first cars are expected to be pushed off the production line in August, and will cost just £37,000 each, or £49,000 for the super-charged, hi-spec model, which comes with windscreen wipers and a horn.

Mr Spuckler expects to produce 500 cars a year in a variety of colours, so long as they are beige and pale blue.

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Rest of Britain does not care about Tube strike

The Editor
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Rest of Britain does not care about Tube strike

London tube strike

By Casey Jones, Railways Correspondent

The rest of Britain does not give a toss about Londoners who are “struggling to work” during the one-day Tube strike, it has emerged.

While commuters in the capital whined about having to walk or drive in a traffic jam, everyone else revealed that’s what they have to do every day of the year.

Justin Smith, 34, from Kesgrave, Suffolk, said: “It takes me at least 50 minutes to get to work in Ipswich, which is only a couple of miles away. So hearing a Londoner moaning they had to walk for 45 minutes is ridiculous.

“They don’t know how good they have it on their fast underground railway for the rest of the year, and I am sure their over-inflated London wages must help them get over the shock of walking for one day.”

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IT worker Jim Beem commutes to Chelmsford on the A12 from his home in Ipswich five days a week. “Most days it takes 80 minutes, but often it will be much longer because of the traffic.

“Londoners don’t know how lucky they are – I wish I had an underground line to use for the rest of the year.”

Unfortunately for Jim, the planned new Anglian ‘Beige’ Tube line from London to Ipswich is still stuck in the planning stage.

Londoners today ignored jibes from everyone else. Camillia Farquar-Cobbold, who works in PR for a charity that promotes veganism, said: “I could not get on a bus because it was too crowded. So I had to walk to work, and it took me 45 minutes. It’s a disgrace.”

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SLF executes dissenters, repels 5,000 Lincoln invaders

The Editor
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SLF executes dissenters, repels 5,000 Lincoln invaders

By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

The Suffolk Gazette has received another front-line dispatch from the Suffolk Liberation Front, which includes worrying news of dissent within the ranks, and an attempted invasion by 5,000 people from Lincoln.

“Sir,

It has been some time since we promised to send you an imminent news release.

We have to sadly report that there has been a leadership struggle within in the SLF, stirred up by Suffolk fighters wanting the spoils of Norfolk all to themselves. Some of these agitators were front-line commanders and were actually caught talking to the opposition in border areas and getting friendly with them.

This has been dealt with and these agitators were summarily executed following a brief battle with forces loyal to the current command of the SLF. This did lead to an issue with a shortage of manpower, but that has been solved by using a private security company, paid for with looted gold and cash from Great Yarmouth amusement arcades.

There was an irritating issue with 5,000 Lincoln fighters coming to Ipswich yesterday, although technically they wanted to take west Ipswich, so we weren’t too concerned and planned just to surround them with razor wire and leave them to it.

In the end, we hadn’t the manpower for this, and so urgently armed our reserves, the 3rd battalion of SLF Ipswich cub scouts, who rallied to the cause and gathered in west end road with untested, unused catapults and large sticks.

They had no prior training with these fearsome devices and had to make it up as they went along. There was a vicious battle with a group of fishmongers, which was won and the decision was made to escort the Lincoln fighters away from Suffolk under armed cub scout guard as there was not the facility to hold them anywhere.

Lincoln fans IpswichOn guard: a fearless member of the SLF Ipswich boy scouts guards 5,000 defeated Lincoln invaders

In a brilliant propaganda coup, the marauders were also told that Norfolk hates them, so they will now attack Norfolk border areas on their side which further depletes Norfolk’s ability to defend against SLF incursion. We shall soon take more Norfolk loot strategic areas.

We will soon fortify Bury St Edmunds, as we will be using this as the capital of our private fiefdom people’s Republic of Suffolk

We were forced to briefly suggest on your site that a peace deal with Norfolk was on the cards, however, this was simply to alleviate the pressure on the border whilst the battle of Ipswich was being fought.

Of course, should Norfolk demand peace and a cease-fire we are happy to negotiate with whatever command they have left and give them our demands. Handing over all their pitchforks is a must before negotiations begin.

By releasing this news update, and by publishing it, yourself as editor of the Suffolk Gazette doesn’t then have to be visited by the SLF at your HQ at The Greyhound pub, or at your palatial home to demand that you interview us….

Sincerely,
Commanding Officer,
Suffolk Liberation Front.”

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