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Suffolk recruitment firm wins new business

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By Phil Rowles

A Suffolk recruitment company is celebrating major businesses wins in recent weeks and is now looking urgently to fill some key positions.

Applicants are invited to send their CVs to I Do Big Jobs of Bury St Edmunds, along with a covering letter.

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British Prime Minister
Unexpectedly available, this position requires a thick skin and the ability to annoy everybody but still run a country successfully. Previous experience of working in international markets is desirable, as is some accountancy and public speaking skills. However, our clients are looking in particular for a great team player who can show a demonstrable record of successful change management. An education at Eton is desirable.

This role is based in London, but there will be the opportunity for foreign travel.

£142,500 basic salary plus benefits, including chauffeur-driven car and bodyguards.

England Football Manager
The Football Association of England is looking for a new Manager to take the national team to a new level – ie a winning one. Our clients are determined that the nation’s hopes will never again be raised and then shattered by poor management skills.

roy hodgson england managerVisionary: Could you be the next England manager?

This role is based in London and has team building and performance management at its heart. You will have played football at the highest level and have a proven record in club management. Core skills will include utilising your employees’ strengths, an understanding of foreign management systems, and PR expertise.

£3.9 million annual salary, including five weeks holiday – extendable to a lifetime holiday if England don’t win something soon.

Labour Shadow Cabinet
Our client, the Labour Party, has various roles unexpectedly available, with more likely this week. Owing to recent policy issues, many key staff have taken early retirement.

It is possible that there will also be a vacancy soon for a Labour Party Leader, so applicants might like to keep this in mind when submitting their CV.

£74,962 plus expenses, although moats and duck houses are not allowable.

Top Gear Presenter
Our client is looking for a television and motoring expert to take its flagship show to new heights. You will be likeable and not have ginger hair. Candidates with experience of turning around a failing organisation will be preferred.

Salary on application, benefits include company cars and foreign travel

chris evans top gearFlop Gear: Apply now to rescue this ailing business

UKIP Leader
An opportunity has arisen for a right-wing maverick to take over our client, a British political party with more bark than bite. You will be required to expand the product offering because the existing line – Anti-Europe – has sold out.

We are advised that while applications are currently being considered, this position will be closed if the former leader decides to return. Again.

£79,000 plus £42,000 allowances, although this income comes from a Member of the European Parliament salary which will soon be lost.

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Elvis Presley is alive and living in Ibiza

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WORLD EXCLUSIVE
By Arthur Pint, Entertainment Editor

Elvis Presley is alive and enjoying his retirement in Ibiza, we can reveal today.

The King of Rock and Roll, who many have always claimed faked his own death, lives in a huge hilltop villa close to the pretty town of Sant Josep de sa Talaia, and had until recently enjoyed complete anonymity.

But a new hotel was built on the isolated road leading up to his home, and tourists have begun noticing the unmistakable figure of Elvis as he potters about.

The Suffolk Gazette flew to the sunshine Mediterranean island after a tip-off from a reader who was sure she had seen Elvis, who is now a sprightly 81 years old, wandering up the hill with some bread, fresh milk and frozen burgers.

Our Entertainment Editor Arthur Pint, who once saw Elvis perform live in Las Vegas, rented a villa close by and set about finding out if the numerous sightings could be true.

Astonishingly, within hours he had taken this picture of the man so many believe is Elvis Presley, confirming the star did not die on the lavatory back in 1977 after all.

elvis presley alive living ibizaHeartbreak hotel: new 4 star hotel has exposed Elvis to tourists

Pint said: “Elvis looks amazing. He is quite trim and is still getting about well. His hair is now grey and he sports a goatee beard, but his features are unmistakable.”

Locals have always suspected the man on the hill was Elvis. Pedro Alonso, 65, who spends his days watching the world go by at the Raco Verd bar in Sant Josep, paying with an Elvis wallet he bought on Amazon, said: “He moved in to the house on the hill during late summer in 1977.

“I remember it well because my father worked as a labourer when the property was built. In those days Ibiza was quiet and nobody took any notice of new people. There was a free spirit.

Elvis Presley is alive

“But now the island is packed each summer with tourists from Britain and Germany, and the new hotel near the villa has meant the man in the villa has been exposed to more and more people.

“The older locals always knew who he was but respected his privacy, but now everyone has a smartphone and can take pictures. I’m amazed this has not come out before.”

Our man visited Elvis’ villa hoping for an interview that would go down in history as the greatest ever. Pint rang the buzzer by the electronic gates and a man spoke over the speaker in Spanish – but with a definite Deep South American drawl.

“Is this Mr Presley?” Pint asked. There was a tell-tale split second delay before the man replied: “No. Adios.”

Pint was not put off, and set about watching Elvis for a few days to get a sense of his lifestyle in Ibiza. One night he was amazed as Elvis set out in his black Jeep and headed for party capital of San Antonio. There he giggled as local Elvis tribute act Ibiza Elvis, whose tagline is “It’s Good to be The King”, performed at a bar.

elvis tribute act ibizaAll Shook Up: Elvis enjoyed the tribute show
Elvis supped on a coffee and tapped his feet as the tribute show belted out hit after hit, including Hound Dog, Jailhouse Rock and Suspicious Minds.

Then he went to nearby Amnesia, the huge club where young tourists party the night away. On Saturday thousands were unaware they were in the presence of the most famous musician ever.

Elvis, dressed in a crisply-pressed white shirt and black trousers, stayed for over an hour soaking up the atmosphere before driving back to his villa alone. Clearly music is still a huge part of his life.

Love me tender

The next day our man watched as Elvis drove to the port at nearby Ibiza Town and climbed aboard a small boat which was to take him out to a luxury yacht. As he sat down on the service boat, a passing tourist from Manchester said: “Nice boat, sir.”

And Elvis replied in English: “I love me tender.”

Elvis Presley in Ibiza

It is believed the superstar chose Ibiza because of the guaranteed weather and because in the 1970s, when he was supposed to have died at his mansion in Graceland, Memphis, the island was quiet with very few visitors.

But he would have watched dismayed as the island became increasingly popular with hundreds of thousands of visitors each month. He must have been surprised that no one had spotted him. Until now.

New balls, please – why I’m feeling a bit forelorn

in my lady garden

I took myself off to Wimbledon this week as I was worried about the lawn. Look at the fecking state of it! But did they appreciate me trying to help? Did they hell.

After queueing for nine hours, during which I had to keep my place with my Lidl carrier bag while I nipped for several widdles, I finally got to the turnstiles and forced my way to the Centre Court.

It was just before that cheeky little Brit upstart Marcus Willis and Roger Federer came out with their soppy plastic bottles and hundreds of towels which they sweat all over and chuck at children.

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I shot forward to the bald baseline, clutching my container of Miracle Gro Patch Magic Repairer (£9.84 per kg from B & Q) and sprinkled it about just as Roger Federer appeared on the court with his banana in his hand.

To my horror a dozen men in white coats ran as if from nowhere and bundled me off to security. I tried to run but slipped, doing the splits like an EU Referendum… or an Essex girl outside Wetherspoons.

doing the splitsElegant: This is just what I looked like when I slipped on court

When I see the Wimbledon hallowed turf on the telly I can see why they always need more Wimbledon seeds.

I can’t understand, when they start the fortnight with such an impeccable lawn, why they can’t just stand still and wait for the ball to come to them, like we did at primary school. But no! They have to run and stomp all over it in their lumpy shorts. I can’t make out how they fit so many balls in those shorts. And after spending so much time down there, it’s no wonder they have to change them so often.

new balls please roger federerFederer: new balls, please

I think the real reason they threw me out is that they thought I was going to get some free sponsorship in front of the TV cameras in my Adnams t-shirt and Suffolk Gazette baseball cap.

I should add here, that before I got nicked, I had been round the posh Wimbledon gardens and bars. I had a couple of jugs of Pimms (£75.99) and a punnet of strawberries (£25, and just £10 for an optional dollop of cream). Then I had a couple of G & Ts and set about the flower beds. I dead-headed their hydrangeas, petunias and geraniums and dug a couple up to take home. They had plenty of them!

I only did it because the lawn looked as threadbare as a Jeremy Corbyn jacket.

What’s going on with the world of politics? I honestly think they’re all a bunch of countrymen not worthy of our votes.

Do you remember when Boris Johnson bought three secondhand water cannon for £328,000 but was refused permission to use them? Well, while the Tories are in disarray, I have bought them for £25 quid to use on the allotment.

Here are some things you can pop in your veg plot this week: turnips, beetroot, carrots and spring cabbage.

Jobs to do this week

* Net your brassicas against butterflies. Pick off any caterpillars and chuck them over next door’s hedge.

* If you’re going on holiday, trim any straggly bits and get ready to tackle pests.

* Take down your hanging baskets, if no one is going to be there to water them while you’re at Butlins, and put them in a shady spot with a good drink.

Your problems answered

* Jeremy from Islington: Some perennials resent being divided up like this. Your poor clump needs some support or you may as well put it out of its misery with a bottle of Weedol.

* Theresa M from Cockfield: What a terrible mess your Lady Garden is. Order a copy of my new book – Two’s Company, Freesia Crowd.

* Boris from Cuckooland: Thankyou for sending me the photo of your shrivelled red-hot pepper. I would say it’s been sabotaged in its growth stages to stop it standing proud. There is little you can do at this stage. Next time, keep it in the shade. Or in your trousers.

red hot pepperBoris’ shrivelled pepper

That’s it from me. See you next week.

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Let’s Sexit after Brexit, urges Suffolk Liberation Army

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By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

The Sexit campaign for Suffolk independence has been given a major boost by Brexit, it emerged today.

A survey by the Suffolk Liberation Army (SLA) suggests that over 96% of the county would welcome breaking free from the shackles of Westminster, and now a spokesman is demanding a referendum.

He warns there will be the key policy battle lines, including the escalation of the Suffolk/Norfolk border wall, stricter border controls but with a “Cromer Corridor” for holidays, the re-introduction of a Suffolk currency (the stoat), and the adoption of traditional Suffolk dress.

suffolk national dressStylish: traditional Suffolk dress
The spokesman said the SLA was now being mobilised across the county, pointing out that while the SLA “meant business”, it was “not to be feared by good, honest Suffolk people”.

He added: “The SLA is here to put the ‘fun’ into fundamentalism, and I would like to make clear SLA is in no way associated with the more radical Independent Suffolk of Ipswich and Stowmarket group.”

The SLA is currently training new recruits in hidden locations across mid-Suffolk and on the coast. Secret filming has revealed a number of committed and disciplined members developing observational and weapons skills as they prepare for a county-wide revolution they say is coming.

Suffolk Liberation ArmyTop secret: the Suffolk Liberation Army training camp in Minsmere
Military action is not the only choice, says the SLA. The process of Suffolkation need not be a violent one. Before taking such drastic action it has called for a referendum echoing the success of Brexit.

In the coming months you may see the stirrings of the sleeping Suffolk giant as the SLA rallies the people with glossy leaflets, dubious statistics, a comedy pop song and outrageous claims about foreigners (though it’s true that the people of Fakenham in Norfolk eat children). This could be the dawn of a new age – people of Suffolk prepare.

Corbyn refuses to step down as England manager

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By Polly Ticks, Political Editor

Embattled Jeremy Corbyn refused to step aside as England manager last night – despite a terrible performance in Europe.

The ageing leader faced a mutiny from his team and supporters across the country after his tactics and lack of ambition saw England crash out of Europe against little Iceland.

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But he steadfastly refused to budge, insisting he had a mandate to lead, and would still be in charge for the upcoming World Cup qualifying campaign.

Corbyn has been controversial since his first day in charge of the England team when he turned up for training and read out some emails to the players from fans.

“I have an email here from Beryl Biggins from Huddersfield,” he told Wayne Rooney to a hushed and astonished group. “She wants to know why her football tickets are so expensive but you get paid so much to play.”

Calls for Corbyn’s resignation will be sure to increase this week as yet more players resign from the England set-up.

An England insider said: “Soon there won’t be any players left to choose from.”

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Millions sign petition to re-run England match

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By Our Football Staff

More than 3.6 million people have signed a petition to demand England play a second match against Iceland because they didn’t win the first one.

They rushed to join the online campaign to force the Government to re-run the game, and to keep staging it until England finally won.

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The surprising and embarrassing defeat against the Icelandic part-timers split the nation, especially with those in Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland wanting an England exit, while English people wanted the team to remain.

Campaigner Justin Horrocks, of Ipswich, said: “The match was clearly not played fairly. The older players let everyone down.

“And we were lied to – they said England were good and had a chance in this tournament. But that was rubbish.

“Now we are out, and no one seems to have a plan. Even the manager has resigned before any plan is in place.

“It’s an absolute disgrace.”

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English slugs have destroyed my Brussels

in my lady garden

Help! My Brussels have been eaten by some virulent variety of Old English slugs (Borisium Nigellus) and my Romaine lettuce has also been destroyed, along with the French beans.

What is going on? My head is spinning as it does after a night on the Aspall Cyder.

My garden labourer, old Mr Corbyn, says it’s not his fault. And Messrs Cameron and Osborne, to whom I pay the ground rent for the land, through the estate agents Bulling Don-Boyce, are sipping Champagne at their country mansions and making plans to flee the country. Word is in the village that they are deep in debt and may have to sell my allotment to Mr Putin, who will probably put cheap invasive mint all over it.

jeremy corbyn gardenerMy gardener, Mr Corbyn

So where does all this destruction leave us gardeners?

Well, we need to find the bottle opener and focus on the fuschia.

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Meanwhile, I was voted in as chairwoman of the Women’s Institute, a role I have always cosseted as it puts me in charge of the Vegetable and Flower show, into which I have promised to plough in £350m a week.

I won fairly and squarely, but Mrs Glasto said we needed a fresh vote as she says I’m an old slapper. I wouldn’t mind but she’s never been involved with the institute and hadn’t even registered to vote!

So all is not well In My Lady Garden. What with the slugs and rain all I’ve been doing is deadheading the roses and watching my penstemons pop out.

English slugsEnglish slugs have destroyed my Brussels and French beans

Your tomatoes should be flowering nicely now. If your truss is a bit heavy you may need a stick to keep it upright. My sweet peas are coming on well, but you need to keep removing the dead pods to encourage more blooms.

My veg peas are also developing. There is nothing like a good pea after a pint of Adnams and a snowball.

Jobs to do this week

* Sow primrose and pansies in the greenhouse ready for Autumn planting.
* Apply for a passport to Ireland.
* Keep an eye on your Scotch Bonnet chillies to make sure they don’t take over the plot.

Your problems answered

* George O: Yes I would stay in the shed until the storms pass. Then protect yourself with that rusty old pitchfork.
* Mr Putin from Peasinghall: I know it’s difficult but if you do piss yourself laughing try not to do it on the lawn or it will leave a nasty mark
* Mrs Hodge from Dagenham: Yes a good clear out is needed now. uproot all the weeds and replace with something that will bring harmony to the borders. I would go for a hybrid rather than a pedigree specimen. Good luck!

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UEFA bans English national anthem before Iceland kick-off

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EXCLUSIVE
By Our Football Staff

UEFA will refuse to play the English national anthem before England’s crunch Euro 2016 game on Monday because the country voted to leave the EU.

We can reveal that as both teams line up before the kick-off in Nice, only Iceland’s national anthem will be played in the stadium.

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The England set-up has been told UEFA officials wanted to show solidarity to the EU and decided banning God Save The Queen was an appropriate gesture.

But the 25,000 England fans with tickets at the Allianz Riviera stadium in Nice are expected to sing the national anthem throughout the match in protest at the UEFA ban.

A spokesman for UEFA said: “As a European organisation we stand shoulder to shoulder with the EU. England’s decision to leave the EU should not go unnoticed, and this is our way of saying, ‘Don’t mess with us’.”

England manager Roy Hodgson was said to be “furious” when informed of the anthem ban. But he told reporters that England’s fans would belt out God Save The Queen anyway to get his players in the mood just before kick-off.

english national anthemGod Save The Queen: England fans are patriotic but it has upset UEFA

An England camp insider told the Suffolk Gazette: “Our fans are patriotic and show great support. They will sing the national anthem at the top of their voices during the game regardless of UEFA refusing to play it.”

It is believed Wales and Northern Ireland, who face each other later today in the last 16, will not be punished by UEFA for Brexit. Northern Ireland, like Scotland, voted to Remain, while Wales was thought too small a country for UEFA to be concerned about.

England fan William Blake, 34, of Mountains Green, near Haverhill in Suffolk said: “UEFA can sod off. We will raise the roof in Nice whatever the corrupt Europeans think.”

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