Thursday, April 3, 2025
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Police catch speeding tractor doing 125mph

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By Rob Banks, Crime Editor

A Suffolk tractor has been caught doing 125mph along the A12.

Farmer Ernie Ecclestone was spotted by police as he raced along the road near Saxmundham.

Ecclestone, 57, admitted he was speeding in his John Deere tractor, claiming he was late for ploughing his field in Theberton.

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The extraordinary 125mph speeding tractor is one of the highest ever seen by Suffolk Police.

A traffic cop said: “We had a car towing a caravan at 115mph last summer, but this tractor was really pushing it. Its rear tyres were smoking.”

Ecclestone pleaded guilty to speeding when he appeared before Leiston magistrates yesterday.

But chairman of the bench, Mrs Margaret Ecclestone, let the farmer walk free after issuing a stern ticking off.

She explained: “My husband assures me he won’t do it again.”

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Police appeal for missing Veronica and Pauline

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EXCLUSIVE
By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Suffolk Police have appealed for help in tracing two elderly ladies who have disappeared from their home.

Officers fear for the safety of Veronica Wood and Pauline Weller, who were last seen together at their Felixstowe residential home yesterday.

wood-weller

Mrs Wood and Ms Weller, who are aged 93 and 87, have not gone missing before and police fear they must have got confused after leaving the Sunset Rest home at 2.30pm for an afternoon walk.

A Suffolk police spokesman said: “They are a feisty couple of ladies with very independent minds. But at the end of the day they can not really look after themselves, and we are concerned for their welfare.”

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The police spokesman added: “Staff at Sunset Rest raised the alarm at 7.30pm last night when the ladies failed to return home for their tea. We searched their usual favourite places like the bingo hall on the pier, and the Post Office, but they were nowhere to be seen.

“They are quite a distinctive couple who are well known in the area, so anyone who sees them is urged to contact police immediately.”

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A spokesman for Sunset Rest said there had been an argument with other residents yesterday when Veronica and Pauline were playing their music too loud.

“But that’s not a reason for them to run away,” he said. “We miss them terribly and urge them to get in touch to let us know they are safe.”

UPDATE: The missing pair have been spotted in a bingo hall. Read here.

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Boris Johnson is getting his oats (again)

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By John Deere, Farming Editor

Sales of a Suffolk breakfast cereal loved the world over have soared as the European Referendum nears.

“We are bizarrely reaping the benefit of publicity surrounding the campaign, with Brexit this and Brexit that. People find themselves automatically picking Ready Brexit from the shelves and popping it in their trolleys,” said CEO Phil Bowles.

“In fact many stores have sold out and shoppers say they can’t find it anywhere. We have a backlog in production and are working round the clock to keep up.”

Now the Daily Politics show, run by BBC interview maestro Andrew Neil, is using the firm’s sales figures as a light-hearted indicator of how the leave Europe campaign is going.

If sales of the oat-based cereal rise by ten percent, the show’s polling experts add ten percent to the estimated Brexit swing, and vice versa. At the moment, their Cereal Swingometre
puts East Anglia firmly in the OUT campaign.

Brexiteers are even in negotiations for rights to use Ready Brexit’s Sammy Scarecrow, a character loved by children, in their publicity pictures, especially as Sammy’s straw hair looks so like OUT campaigner Boris Johnson.

ready-brexit-salesLookalikes: Boris Johnson, left, with Ready Brexit’s Sammy Scarecrow
Ready Brexit was first produced in the 1950s as people moved away from a Full English breakfast but still wanted to enjoy something hot inside them before they went to work.

Initial television adverts became famous because they were inspired by the firm’s close proximity to Sizewell nuclear power station.

ready brexit television adGlowing support: Ready Brexit support is going nuclear
It is made from Suffolk-grown organic oats, ground slightly to mix instantly with hot milk. Recent innovations, such as adding chocolate or golden syrup have kept sales buoyant in the face of competition from Oatso Simple and Waitrose’s upmarket Oat Cuisine.

“Those who blend smoothies can also add Ready Brexit to keep them going until lunchtime,” said Mr Bowles.

The Suffolk Gazette asked Mr Bowles how he would be voting in the campaign. “I can’t say for commercial reasons but let’s just say that Suffolk grows oats, has the best dairy milk and sugar beet growing all over the region. We could be self-sufficient in Ready Brexit and consumers in Japan, USA, and Russia can’t get enough so those markets would be secure. President Putin loves getting his oats first thing in the morning. It’s what keeps the smile on his face.”

But a spokesman for the Remain group said: “This is ridiculous, basing voting figures just because it sounds like Brexit. It’s like us saying Eat Rice Crispies Multi-grain to back Remain. Childish nonsense.”

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Springwatch team film rare Top Gear Tit

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EXCLUSIVE
By Suffolk Gazette Staff

Television’s Springwatch team, currently broadcasting from a Suffolk nature reserve, was celebrating today after spotting an extremely rare bird and getting it on film.

Insiders on the Minsmere set say they managed to see a fledgling Top Gear Tit, one of only a handful thought to remain in Britain and the first to be recorded in Suffolk since numbers dwindled last year.

The rare bird, which has a strange ginger plumage and extremely loud call, swooped around the Suffolk coast for a couple of hours before disappearing again.

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The Top Gear Tit used to be extremely common in Britain, with millions of them appearing all year round. Many also migrated across the world, ensuring populations were healthy in just about every continent.

But a violent virus wiped out numbers with one blow, and recent efforts to revive the population with an expensive programme have failed spectacularly.

A Springwatch insider said: “We couldn’t believe it when our cameras spotted a Top Gear Tit. It was looking a little lost and sorry for itself, but we’re hoping it has set up a nest somewhere because their numbers are very low.”

The news, which will be ratings boost for Springwatch, comes as a BBC motoring show lost a third of its viewers last night, the second episode of a new series without the three original presenters.

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Get those wee jobs done around the veg patch

in my lady garden

A workman came to my lady garden the other day. He dumped his tools on the patio and said: “Can I plug my extension lead into your utility?”

I wouldn’t mind, but we hadn’t even been formally introduced.

Eventually I calmed down and gave him a pot of tea and a hobnob.

He turned out to be a local plumber called Rufus Leakin whom my husband had invited round to take a look at his U-bend.

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After my initial anger it turned out that Rufus and I had something in common.

We both have an allotment, but he also keeps chickens, ducks, a dog, two cats, some guinea pigs and a few children.

He was strangely narked when I asked him if he would call what he had a small-holding!

I then asked how he kept the foxes away from his chickens, and the muntjac deer from nibbling his firm young turnips.

Well! His answer shocked me as I am sure it will you, my dear readers. He says that when he comes back from the pub at night full to the brim with Adnams Broadside (4.7 %) and a kebab or curry, he piddles all round the edges of his plot and hen-house and if he can manage a wee bit more, he pisses on his compost heap, where presumably the recycled curry and beer act as a rotting agent. In fact he called it his compissed heap.

‘My wife doesn’t like me doing it’

He explained, in a cavemanish way: “You see, luv, foxes and deer are put off by the smell of Man-Wee. It’s a primitive thing. My wife doesn’t like me doing it so I wait until she’s gone to bed and it’s well dark.”

After we’d finished talking dirty, he unplugged his tool, stole another hobnob and cleared off in his filthy van leaving me to contemplate whether his remarks about Man-Wee were a fact… or sexist piddle twaddle.

I told my sister and we wondered whether Woman-Wee would keep the marauding muntjacs away from our lady garden.

The compost would be another matter as ours is in a tall bin and we would need a ladder, since we women lack the natural equipment to pee in the air, and a natural aversion to going out after lighting-up time.

I knocked up a vindaloo recipe by that road-kill eating chef Hugh Fearnley Whitting-Squirrel and my sister and I knocked back a few gins and pimms with our own borage flowers, then we had some Aspall Isabel’s Berry Cyder, popped some Van Morrison at full blast, and had a couple of Lidl own brand Grand Marnier taste-alike.

“Lesh go!” I said, and we did the conga out to the garden as we merrily swigged from cans of Tesco Premium Lager (4 for £2.69), slinging the empties over the neighbour’s fence and flinging our arses from side to side, stomping all over the lobelia and busy lizzies.

Sometime later, there we were with our knickers around our ankles, mid-Woman-Wee when the police arrived.

I looked up and there was local Detective Inspector Will Knabbem with his notebook. He’d been alerted by the pub opposite, where a crowd had gathered.

That’s the trouble with having an open-plan garden right on the village green in broad daylight.

But you can avoid muntjac and other pests, except flying insects, by growing plants in one of those trendy new veg trugs. Of course I’ve got one and it’s perfect for popping in radish, lettuce and even potatoes.

vegetable trugMy lovely veg trug with tremendous growth

The clever deep V shape gives the tubers room to spread about. It looks a bit like a coffin and could easily double up if you had a sudden bereavement.

Talking of pests in the garden, you can keep cats at bay by sticking plastic picnic forks in the ground upside down. No creature wants a jab up the bum with a fork, except for a few suspender-wearing members of the House of Lords.

Of course you don’t want to try this trick if you are a lady who likes to pee on the crops.

plastic forks in gardenForking hell: no cats will want to squat here

Jobs to do this week

* Deadhead the roses, snipping off the the dodgy blooms just below the head. This will make more flowers appear and is better than the old method of cutting off just above a leaf. I dry the old petals to make pot pourri mixed with orris root powder and sprinkled with essential oils. It works wonders when the old man’s just farted.

* Prune those gooseberries and pick rhubarb stalks. Of course both make a lovely crumble. Naturally many people swear that the best thing to put on rhubarb is horse manure. But I swear more than most folk and I reckon you can’t beat a big dollop of clotted cream (only 53 Slimming World Syns per portion).

* Sow pumpkins, beetroots and sweetcorn. Grow a clematis, which are good value at the moment, to hide a broken fence, some graffiti or your secret pile of empty wine bottles.

Now for the answers to your queries

Thank you for all your lovely letters. My inbox has never been so stuffed.

* Mr Chris S: Yes the temperature will obviously affect performance in the garden and the current chilly weather can wreck a romantic dinner al fresco. You might consider buying this interestingly-shaped chiminea.

garden chimineaCharming chiminea

* Mr R M from Eye: What you appear to have there is Vascular Wilt, a fungal disease. You need to rotate your crops and grow more resistant varieties. Or watch Babe Station.

* Miss “Dizzy” Gooch from Essex: No, I don’t think a hosepipe ban will affect the firemen.

See you next week!

anita-bush-signature

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Fury as Donald Trump eyes Aldeburgh Golf Club

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EXCLUSIVE
By Sandy Driver, Golf Correspondent

Members of a posh Suffolk golf club were choking on their sherries today over rumours that Donald Trump intends to buy their course.

The Suffolk Gazette can reveal the controversial US Presidential hopeful wants to add Aldeburgh Golf Club to his list of plush leisure enterprises – and rename it Trump National Aldeburgh.

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But members of the seaside club, which was established in 1884 and prides itself on keeping a traditional stiff upper lip, were aghast at the thought of Trump taking over.

The Republican is due to visit Turnberry in Scotland, another of his resorts, on June 24, the day after the EU Referendum. We can reveal he will then divert to the Suffolk coast to view Aldeburgh for himself.

An insider in the Trump empire told us: “Donald loves the idea of taking a posh course and opening it up to the wider public, offering huge spa facilities, a water park and space for Suffolk’s largest car boot sale.”

donald trump golf aldeburghFore! Donald Trump has Aldeburgh Golf Club in his sights

The associate added: “We hear the members at Aldeburgh are perhaps a little stuck in their ways, but we intend to reduce membership fees to encourage people from all walks of life to join, so they should be pleased their club will be more popular.”

He added that Mr Trump found Aldeburgh endearingly quirky, and was inspired by the town’s job advert for a village idiot.

Never one to be too modest, the Trump Organization boasts of having the most extraordinary portfolio of golf courses in the world, including Turnberry and the Trump International Golf Links Scotland.

But Aldeburgh Golf Club members were furious. One golfer, Major Doug Trench, fumed: “Over my dead body. If that man comes anywhere near my club, I’ll take to him with my driver.”

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Captured wild haggis is Suffolk Show star attraction

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By Ivor Traktor, Farming Correspondent (intern)

A wild haggis was the star attraction for thousands of visitors at today’s Suffolk Show, the annual showcase event for the county’s agricultural industry.

The traditional ginger-haired Scottish wild haggis was captured last week in North Suffolk, where a herd had colonised a large area of land after escaping from a rare breed show in Fressingfield.

Normally the haggis, which are destined for hungry Scotsmen’s Burns night dinner plates, are bred in captivity in Scotland, because once they get into the open countryside they can devastate crops.

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Their favourite food is carrot and turnip, but Suffolk potato tycoon Maurice Piper said some of his recent crop had been munched through by the rampaging haggis herd.

Interest in the rodents shot up last year when the Suffolk Gazette revealed how they had escaped into the North Suffolk countryside.

But although each female was capable of producing 200 cubs a year, none had been caught. Until now.

wild haggisThe traditional Scottish ginger-haired wild haggis enjoying the attention at today’s Suffolk Show

This adult carrot-topped wild haggis, which has a distinctive white face, was snared in a field in Cratfield, just two miles from where the five initial escapees made their bid for freedom from the rare breed show at Fressingfield village hall.

Normally secretive and shy, the wild haggis gave visitors to the Suffolk Show a rare chance to get up close and study its behaviour.

The haggis are not dangerous creatures, but do not like being picked up or cuddled, so a specialist haggis handler was on hand to prevent enthusiastic children from causing any problems.

A Show spokesman said: “We were thrilled at the opportunity to display a wild haggis. We put it with the rare breeds section and it drew massive crowds all day. Some of our Scottish visitors said it made them feel peckish, but we made sure no harm came to it.”

Tens of thousands of visitors went through the Suffolk Show gates today, at Trinity Park just outside Ipswich, with many more expected for the final day tomorrow.

It is believed the captured haggis will be returned to Scotland after the Suffolk Show, so it can be fattened and readied for Burns Night next January.

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Sign our petition to stop Chris Evans shouting on Top Gear

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The Suffolk Gazette is today doing a Britain a favour by petitioning the BBC to stop Chris Evans shouting all the way through Top Gear.

Millions of viewers are at risk of going deaf because Evans inexplicably shouts throughout the whole Top Gear show, which he presented for the first time last night.

While Jeremy Clarkson was a soothing and knowledgable voice on the programme for years, before being sacked for whacking a producer, the ginger-haired Evans excitedly shouted and screeched as he desperately tried to fill Clarkson’s boots.

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Now the Suffolk Gazette has launched an online petition urging the BBC to subtitle Top Gear so we don’t have to put up with Chris Evans shouting loudly anymore.


Suffolk Gazette Entertainment Editor Arthur Aspall said: “We tried to watch the first episode of the new Top Gear last night but had to turn the sound down because Evans was making so much noise. It’s almost as though he thought the show was all about him, rather than any cars featured on it.

“But some people might have been too late to turn the sound down and gone deaf. This is simply not on, and the BBC has a duty to subtitle the show to save the nation’s hearing.”

Chris Evans was unavailable for comment today, presumably (and hopefully) because he has lost his voice.

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