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Brexit-voting Marmite lovers admit: we got it wrong

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Brexit-voting Marmite lovers admit: we got it wrong

Marmite lovers
By Colin Allcabs, Consumer Correspondent

Millions of Marmite lovers admitted today they would never have voted to leave the EU if they’d known their favourite spread was at risk.

There was widespread panic across Britain as shoppers snapped up remaining stocks of the yeasty favourite, which has become the first victim of the Brexit vote.

Unilever is locked in a row with Tesco for trying to increase wholesale prices following uncertainty in the post-Brexit economy.

But Tesco bosses refused to back down and have now stopped buying Marmite and other Unilever brands like PG Tips and Surf washing powder.

Now the truth has dawned on Marmite fans that they have ruined their breakfast by voting to leave the EU.

Factory manager Terry Sprockett, of Mildenhall, Suffolk said: “Had I known that the real issues over the EU included getting my Marmite, I would never have voted to leave.”

And fellow leave voter Anne Dimbleby of Eye added: “The politicians let us down. Had Cameron, Osborne, Corbyn and the rest of them concentrated on the key Marmite issue we would still be very much part of Europe today.”

However, it emerged today that some people absolutely hate Marmite. Remain voter Celia Smythe of Ipswich said: “I am passionate about remaining in the EU, but would have voted Out had I known it would mean no more Marmite.”

Driverless tractors road safety fears

The Editor
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Driverless tractors road safety fears

By Ivor Traktor, Farming Correspondent (intern)

Road safety campaigners have raised serious concerns over plans to test driverless tractors in Suffolk.

The vehicles are already being used in fields on selected farms in the county – but now farmers want to take them out on the road.

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Campaigners say the thought of sending a computer-controlled 20-ton tractor down winding Suffolk lanes and B-roads without a driver will cause chaos, and someone will be killed.

They say driverless cars are still years away from being allowed on public highways, so using driverless tractors now would be “madness”.

But the tractor manufacturers insist their driverless units are “perfectly safe”, and will save landowners millions of pounds a year in driver wages.

“And that means the food on our plate will be cheaper,” said Mr John Dear of Look No Hands Tractors Ltd., which is based near Framlingham. “We have tested the units extensively in our yard, and aside from one or two minor bumps and scrapes, there have been no major problems.”

One of the driverless tractors in action in SuffolkOne of the driverless tractors in action in Peasenhall

The company is now applying to Suffolk County Council for permission to use the driverless tractors on the roads, meaning they can travel between fields, and also transport trailer loads of vegetables or grain back to the farms.

A spokesman for the council said the issue would be discussed at the next Highways committee, but he did not foresee any objections. Local police have also been informed of the plans.

The campaigning group Road Users Concern is alarmed, however. A spokesman said: “What measures are in place to prevent computer glitches in the tractors causing a terrible accident?

“It’s one thing having a small driverless electric car go wrong, but imagine a huge tractor not realising you have stopped at a red light and ploughing into the back of you?

“It’s only a matter of time before someone is killed.”

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Leprechauns found dead in field, pot of gold missing

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Leprechauns found dead in field, pot of gold missing

EXCLUSIVE
By Rob Banks, Crime Editor

Detectives today launched a double murder hunt after the badly-beaten bodies of two Leprechauns were found beneath a double rainbow in a Suffolk field.

Police fear gang warfare has broken out among the Leprechaun community, which is out gold-hunting during the current outbreak of rare autumnal double rainbows.

Leprechologists claim the unique conditions, with rainbows breaking out in record numbers, have brought an unprecedented influx of the red-bearded dwarfs, legendary for their miserly habit of hoarding gold.

But experts warn that the close proximity of too many Leprechauns can often lead to tribal-related violence as the current high price of gold proves too tempting. There is evidence, they say, that a ruthless underground criminal network, known as Our Kidda, has surfaced in Suffolk recent weeks.

The bodies of two unnamed Leprechauns were discovered under a double rainbow near Framlingham yesterday. The pair had earlier been photographed by a tourist as they hunted the pot of gold just hours before their deaths.

leprechaunsIn happier times: the two dead Leprechauns hunting for gold just hours before being beaten to death

Prof Seamus O’Charlatan, dean of Faculty the Special People Studies at the Polytechnic University of Stradbroke, said: “There is a mythology that Leprechauns are cheerful and smiley people – in fact because they continuously live in the rain they are miserable and angry misers at the best of times.

“Today’s deaths represent the latest episode in a disturbing upsurge in inter-clan violence. With all these double rainbows about in Suffolk I can anticipate there will be rampant greed and increasing savagery in the Leprechaun community. People in rural areas should be on the watch out and try to prevent outright gang wars breaking out.”

Suffolk police confirmed two men of diminished stature had been found dead in a field outside Brandeston.

Inspector Rod Knobkerry read a short statement but declined to take questions. He said: “We can confirm two male individuals have been found deceased and appear to have died from multiple blunt-force injuries consistent with repeatedly struck with sticks.

“Two empty cauldron-like containers were also found at the scene.”

The two Leprechauns were found by shocked dog walker Danny Dennington. He told the Suffolk Gazette: “It was an unbelievable scene. It looked like an explosion in a cushion factory with bits of green cloth and clumps of red hair all over the place. It must have been quite a set to.”

‘Killer’ clown craze hits Norwich as woman attacked

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‘Killer’ clown craze hits Norwich as woman attacked

Ed Balls clown attack in Norwich

EXCLUSIVE
By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

The “killer” clown craze sweeping Britain plunged to new depths when a woman was attacked in Norwich in broad daylight yesterday.

Dawn Smith was out shopping in Norwich market when a man dressed as well-known clown Ed Balls jumped out of nowhere, grabbed her around the neck from behind and dragged her to the floor.

Our exclusive photo, snapped by shocked passing shopper Bubba Spuckler, from Dereham in Norfolk, shows the horrific attack in progress and has now been passed to Norfolk Police.

A spokesman said: “This clown craze has gone too far. It started as a joke but it really is quite sinister when a clown appearing to be Ed Balls attacks a woman in the city centre.

“We are sure it is not Mr Balls, however – he has not been seen in Norwich for months, even though he is chairman of Norwich City FC.”

But investigations by this newspaper indicate the Ed Balls clown could, in fact, have been Ed Balls after all. Our man doorstepped the Strictly Come Dancing studios and tracked down Mr Balls, who is “starring” in the show… and found him wearing the same evil green and yellow clown costume.

He insisted: “I did not drag down that woman. The only thing I have dragged down is the British economy and Norwich City FC.”

Tim Peake claims £17 million mileage expenses

The Editor
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Tim Peake claims £17 million mileage expenses

Major Tim Peake expenses raise eyebrows

British astronaut Major Tim Peake has been asked to resubmit his space mission expenses after claiming more than £17 million for mileage.

A document seen by the Suffolk Gazette shows Major Peake clocked up 70,985,445 miles during his historic trip on the International Space Station this year.

And, in line with European Space Agency policy, he tried to claim 25p for every mile he covered for work – amounting to a whopping £17,746,361.25p.

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But bosses gave Major Peake, 44, the bad news that mileage from his six-month space trip was not allowable, and have told him to resubmit the expense form with only mileage to the launch pad from his hotel – amounting to just £4.50.

Major Peake, who flew over Suffolk several times during his 2,720 orbits of earth, has accepted his expenses rejection in good spirit, and is said to be looking forward to receiving the smaller amount.

An insider at the European Space Agency said: “There was a bit of a mix-up. Tim assumed he could claim work-related mileage while onboard the space station, although he expected to take a few miles off for the period he was doing his space walk.

“Our accountants sent his expenses claim back and the matter has been resolved amicably.”

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A pal of Major Peake said: “Everyone finds doing expenses is a pain in the backside, and Tim is no different.

“He was surprised that he thought he could claim nearly £18 million, the slightly disappointed when he found out it was only £4.50.”

Meanwhile, an old woman has become the first person to circumnavigate Suffolk by bus.

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Revealed: yet more Norfolk migrants arrive in Suffolk by train

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Revealed: yet more Norfolk migrants arrive in Suffolk by train

norwich trainProof: Yet more troll-like Norfolk migrants arrive in Ipswich by train
EXCLUSIVE
By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

Today we publish exclusive footage that proves thousands of illegal Norfolk migrants are sneaking into Suffolk by breaking into trains as they roll across the border.

Authorities have long suspected that the rail route through East Anglia is being used by strange-looking Norfolk peasants desperate to reach a new life in Suffolk.

But they have never been caught on film using the Greater Anglia route… until now.

Suffolk UKIP member Major Hugh Posslethwaite lay in wait outside Stowmarket for the 9.42 from Norwich to London to pass and filmed the amazing footage we have published at the top of this page.

The astonishing clip shows up to 100 Norfolk migrants on the train beaming with delight as they see the lush and bountiful Suffolk countryside for the first time.

Each of the foreigners has long, straggly hair, huge wide eyes and — contrary to popular belief — only four fingers instead of six.

Major Posslethwaite followed the line and watched as the migrants then disembarked at either Stowmarket or Ipswich before scuttling away to claim free benefits and housing in Suffolk.

Now there are calls for stricter checks on the mainline, with a new border post being proposed close to Checkpoint Barley at the new Suffolk-Norfolk border wall.

Major Posslethwaite said: “Suffolk is being crippled by a tidal wave of illegal immigration from Norfolk. These people not only take our jobs and our homes, but they look bloody strange, too.”

But civil rights campaigners called our investigation into question. Lorraine Fisher, 34, of Civil Rights Suffolk said: “These poor people are fleeing poverty and conflict in Norfolk. They may look different and speak a strange language, but these are not reasons to deny them the chance of a new and better life in Suffolk.”

Rail firm hires sweeper to clear leaves on the line

The Editor
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Rail firm hires sweeper to clear leaves on the line

By Casey Jones, Railways Correspondent

It is a force of nature that has brought pain and misery to train passengers for years, causing frustrating delays and even cancellations.

But now Greater Anglia railways has come up with a brilliant scheme to solve the autumnal problem of fallen leaves on the line.

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Bosses at the East Anglian rail franchise have hired an elderly man whose only job is to sweep up the leaves on the mainline between Norwich and Liverpool Street station in London.

Derek Smith, 76, from Diss, has been given a high-visibility jacket and a state-of-the-art brush – and is already patrolling the 115-mile stretch of railway

He walks up and down the track by day, sweeping up any errant dead foliage that should fall on the line and cause passing train wheels to slip. And by night he camps in woodland next to the line so he ready to start promptly the next morning.

Leaves on the lineDerek Smith working on the line near Manningtree today

Greater Anglia says he has already proved invaluable, with a spokesman telling the Suffolk Gazette: “We are well into October and the leaves are turning and beginning to fall. Yet we have had zero cancellations so far owing to fallen leaves on the line.

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“We employed Mr Smith on a very decent package for a two-month period, and expect our punctuality records for October and November to improve dramatically.”

Other rail companies across Britain are taking note of the initiative, and already Virgin trains is advertising for a rail sweeper of its own.

Mr Smith, a retired road sweeper, told us: “It’s a dream job. I’m out in the countryside doing what I love – I just have to keep an eye out for approaching trains.”

Orville the Duck dead, eaten by Norwich fans

The Editor
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Orville the Duck dead, eaten by Norwich fans

EXCLUSIVE
By Rob Banks, Crime Editor

Millions of fans were mourning the gruesome death of Orville the duck today after traces of green feathers were found in Delia Smith’s football pies.

Orville was offered the chance of a new life as Norwich City’s mascot last year when his long-term employer Mr Keith Harris died.

But fans soon noticed that the cuddly green duck – famed for wearing a large nappy – had never been seen at Carrow Road.

Police were called in to investigate the disappearance of the children’s television favourite, who hit the top of the pop charts with I Wish I Could Fly in 1982.

Forensic tests in the Carrow Road canteen found traces of stringy duck and feathers in Delia Smith’s pies – and several more green feathers in a freezer.

 

Orvlle the duck is deadDelia Smith and Orville the duck in happier times

A police spokesman said: “We have reason to believe a large duck found its way into the Norwich City kitchen and may have been used as a pie ingredient. Meat pies are popular with football fans on match days and a valuable source of income to the club.”

Orville the Duck

A Norwich City club insider admitted that Norwich owner Delia Smith and the board had been forced to cut costs since being relegated from the Premier League – but strongly denied killing Orville the duck.

“We have trimmed costs but would never have killed this duck in order to bulk out our pies with cheap meat. We have no idea where he is – he just never turned up for work.”

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