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Invasion of Norfolk garden pests

The Editor
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Invasion of Norfolk garden pests

lady garden

EXCLUSIVE ANITA BUSH REPORT

Destructive garden pests not seen in Suffolk since 1957 have been ravaging crops after they crossed the border from neighbouring Norfolk.

The awful news was broken to me when I called in an agriculture expert to inspect my lady garden which was suffering severe damage from unusual nibbling.

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Farming inspector Anton Mycock took one look and told me what the unusual creatures were: Carrowpillars.

“They were eradicated from Suffolk in the bug wars of summertime 1957. Those that weren’t killed went back over the border to Norfolk where they interbred and grew dozens of six-toed feet.

“They had decimated the Suffolk sugar beet fields and other agriculture and we always dreaded the day they would invade again.”

carrowpillarRampaging: Carrowpillars have been spotted all over Suffolk in recent days

Mr Mycock believes that the Carrowpillars assembled in Norwich on Wednesday night after the city’s football club was relegated from the Premiership… and fled in shame.

Yesterday the garden pests were spotted in Stowmarket, Lavenham and Bury St Edmunds, demolishing crops and wreaking havoc by eating the pitch at Ipswich Town FC. Their goal is to totally destroy it.

carrowpillar treeWhile Norwich go down, Carrowpillars can go up anything

Beccles potato magnate Maurice Piper says the Carrowpillar infestation is the worst thing that’s happened to him since McCain started making oven chips.

The other Norwich invader I photographed in my garden was the Greater Spotted Sex Pest which was flashing at my melons and my fresh planting hole. Now the police are looking into in. The incident I mean, not the hole.

sex-pest-norwichPerv in privets: special branch look for sex pest

My week got worse when I phoned the editor of the Suffolk Gazette to tell him about my garden pests exclusive.

He said it should be run immediately to save the farming community, not wait until my “shite weekend column”, and that it would be better written by his Farming Correspondent Ivor Traktor. Of course I threw a Diva writer’s hissy fit. After all, my column comes before Suffolk’s historic agricultural heritage.

I said: “Don’t I even get E for Effort?”

He said: “No you get F for F*** Off. What you know about journalism you could write on the back of a postage stamp and shove up a dead gnat’s arse. And you know even less about gardening.”

I threatened to quit but he said if I went to the East Anglian or the Bury Free Press I would get even fewer readers and no “facebook shares” as their readers aren’t as tech savvy as his.

Five gins

I was so upset that I had to drink five gins, six bottles of Aspall cyder, eat seven doughnuts and listen to my Max Bygraves album.

I’m sorry to burden you, my dear, dear readers but I think you deserve to know that my life isn’t all glamorous weeding, manure and composting. I felt as battered as a Manchester United team bus.

I am staying with the Suffolk Gazette only because of you, my wonderful readers whom I consider as friends with your sad complex gardening queries and kind remarks. My husband said your questions were often filthy double meanings, but I wouldn’t know about such things.

But keep it up, as the actress said to the bishop.

Talking of friends, my old school pal Olive Branch visited last weekend and we compared photos of our lady gardens. Mine is quite small but hers is very big and she can insert vegetables of all shapes and sizes, which she does with regularity.

I am often asked by people with small gardens and courtyards if it is the “done thing” to mix flowers with vegetables and salad crops.

My answer is: “Of course! If you want to see a cucumber sticking up in the middle of a bed of pansies, do it! We are all consenting adults.”

Poke a lettuce in your lobelia, or a cauliflower in your cosmos. They will all rub along together.

cucumberTasty, fleshy cucumber

This week I have been busy pulling up chickweed and chucking it over the neighbour’s fence along with my empty Adnams bottles. I also hurled chicken poo all over the roses as the nitrogen helps bring on more blooms. It stank so much I had to go in and spray myself with my husband’s favourite Brut aftershave.

Jobs to do this week

* Hop along to the garden shops. With the ongoing frosts, wary gardeners have been putting off buying. The bedding is overdue and the stores will be desperate to get rid of plants before they get too big for their pots. You will be sure to pick up a tray of bargains if those bone idle shop workers haven’t already killed them.

* Tie in your sweet peas to one of those expensive metal curly things or just some sticks joined together like a wigwam with a bit of string.

* Beware of lily beetles and squirt them with whatever it is that kills lily beetles. Your garden centre will know. Probably.

And now the answers to your problems.

* Mr T H from Hadleigh: I would leave the lawn until you’ve given that Veronica a good seeing to.

* Monica F: Your watery eyes could be due to hay fever. If so, sod the garden and spend the summer indoors watching Heartbeat and drinking Sangria.

* Delia S from Stowmarket: You may have to cut your budget and relegate your dream garden to something more ordinary. Pull out any weeds and just fantasise about some striking specimens some time in the future.

I’ll be back next week with more invaluable advice!

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New Norwich City team bus revealed

The Editor
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New Norwich City team bus revealed

EXCLUSIVE
By Manik Bin Mann, Football Reporter

Norwich City officials have already begun cutting costs following the club’s disastrous relegation from the Premier League last night.

Many of the squad are expected to leave in the summer, but the first departure is the team’s luxury coach, which was on an expensive lease deal.

Canaries owner Delia Smith, the former television cook who makes a cracking humble pie, has instead bought a cheaper open-top bus which will cost a fraction of the old model.

In fact, it won’t cost anything to run at all.

norwich city busThe new Norwich City team coach

The new bus is pedal powered, meaning the embarrassed players will have to propel themselves to away matches, starting with this weekend’s gruelling 250-mile trip to Everton on Merseyside.

Kitted out in the club’s sickly yellow and green colours, the new bus is expected to reach speeds of 15 miles per hour. There is a place at the front for manager Alex Neil to sit and steer without having to pedal himself.

A Carrow Road insider said the team were particularly looking forward to having to ride the bus into Suffolk and to the Ipswich Town ground next season.

TV star changes his name to Sir Boaty McBoatface

The Editor
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TV star changes his name to Sir Boaty McBoatface

Furious broadcasting legend Sir David Attenborough is changing his name to Boaty McBoatface in protest over the naming of an Arctic research ship.

The British people overwhelmingly voted for the new polar vessel to be called Boaty McBoatface – but their wishes were cruelly ignored.

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Instead, the ship has been named RSS Sir David Attenborough after the famous television naturalist, 90, whose documentaries have endeared him to generations worldwide.

A pal of Sir David, who has visited Suffolk several times, fumed: “He is honoured to have a boat named after him, but he feels very strongly that the public vote for Boaty McBoatface should have been respected. He even voted for it himself.

“He is, therefore, going to change his name to Boaty McBoatface by deed poll.”

sir boaty mcboatfaceSir Boaty McBoatface

Sir Boaty, as he will now be known, hopes his selfless act will cheer the nation. He will pay for the £14 name-change fee (plus £72.50 to change his passport) out of his own pocket.

One fan who voted for the ship to be called Boaty McBoatface said: “We were very disappointed when the name was dropped, but full marks to Sir David for changing his name. He really is a national treasure.”

The Natural Environment Research Council (UK) has at least confirmed that an unmanned submarine on board the £200 million state-of-the-art RSS Sir David Attenborough will be called Boaty McBoatface.

rss sir david attenboroughRSS Sir David Attenborough

Meanwhile, Sir Boaty continues to entertain the British public. Only a few days ago, millions tuned in to watch a TV tribute to him on the occasion of his 90th birthday.

The BBC is now set to spend a considerable sum changing the titles on its huge documentary and film archive to reflect Sir Boaty’s name change.

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David Cameron was victim of Nigerian email scam

The Editor
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David Cameron was victim of Nigerian email scam

EXCLUSIVE
By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Prime Minister David Cameron told the Queen that Nigeria was the most corrupt country in the world after never receiving the $1.5 million dollars he was promised in an email.

The Suffolk Gazette can reveal Mr Cameron gave Mrs Miriam Abacha his personal bank account details after she emailed him out of the blue to say her late husband, who worked as a lawyer for a Nigerian oil company, had died in a car accident.

She wanted someone to look after the $10 million fortune her husband had somehow amassed – and that person could keep $1.5 million of it as their part of the deal.

But when Mr Cameron replied with all his information, included his bank account details, passport number and date of birth, $10,000 in “administrative fees” mysteriously disappeared from his current account, and he never saw the Nigerian cash – or heard from Mrs Abacha again.

Furious, he told Her Majesty and the Archbishop of Canterbury yesterday, at a reception at Buckingham Palace to mark her 90th birthday, that Nigeria was “fantastically corrupt”.

The prime minister made the cutting remarks ahead the government’s anti-corruption summit tomorrow, at which Nigeria’s president, Muhammadu Buhari, will deliver a speech entitled “Why we must tackle corruption together”.

Mr Cameron told a friend: “I got this email from a nice sounding young lady whose husband had died. She just needed someone to look after his fortune for a bit. I didn’t like to ask how he came by $10 million, but the $1.5 million I was being offered sounded too good to be true.

“I was happy to help, after all we’re all in this together, and poor Mrs Abacha sounded desperate. But I am now $10,000 out-of-pocket and she is not replying to my emails. It’s a disgrace.”

Specialists at Suffolk Police were called in to track Mrs Abacha down, but she is one of 1,750 alleged multi-millionaires whose husbands died in Nigerian car accidents this year alone.

Sizewell Glow Sticks Ltd posts huge profits

The Editor
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Sizewell Glow Sticks Ltd posts huge profits

By Colin Allcabs, Consumer Correspondent

Sizewell Glow Sticks Ltd has announced £110,000 profits in its first year of operation.

The business uses secret local resources to make novelty high-visibility bracelets and necklaces at its factory close to the famous Sizewell nuclear power station.

Its glow sticks are said to be brighter and last longer than any other versions currently on the market.

Managing Director Charles Montgomery-Burns welcomed the annual figures.

“Excellent!” he said.

sizewell glow stickRadiating beauty: Sizewell Glow Sticks

One member of the 50-strong Suffolk workforce said while employees were delighted the business was doing so well, there had been a recent unexplained increase in staff sickness.

Local councillors say Suffolk Glow Sticks Ltd is a welcome addition to the local jobs market, which has previously had to rely on the Sizewell B Nuclear Power Station, and some sea fishing.

Meanwhile, a family living in Sizewell has become alarmed by the pet cat’s changing appearance.

Galileo Gold shocks Air Force Blue to claim victory in 2000 Guineas

The Editor
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Galileo Gold shocks Air Force Blue to claim victory in 2000 Guineas

The first classic of the 2016 flat season certainly lived up to expectation, as Frankie Dettori led outsider Galileo Gold to victory in the famous 2000 Guineas race at Newmarket.

The 14/1 shot with bookmakers Coral comfortably cruised to victory by one and a half lengths, in what was his third victory in the prestigious mile long race. With Air Force Blue having gained much of the pre-race attention, the winner of last year’s Dewhurst Stakes was never in contention, eventually finishing in second to last place. It was certainly a special occasion for Italian Dettori, who won 20 years on from achieving his first victory in the race when riding Mark of Esteem.

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The fact that previous favourite Emotionless had been withdrawn from the race at Newmarket meant that the field was substantially more open. The title of race favourite was passed onto Aidan O’Brien trained Air Force Blue as a result. However, the horse lacked the required stamina to compete in such a race, and is now being considered for shorter meetings in the near future. Trainer Charlie Appleby took the difficult decision to rule Emotionless out of the race, having decided instead to give his horse further time to mature before featuring in such a big race meeting. It was left to Galileo Gold to take over from O’Brien’s Gleneagles who claimed victory in last year’s race.

With the start of the new season certainly increasing the excitement levels of the horse racing community with famous meetings such as Royal Ascot coming up in the near future, events at Cheltenham and Aintree now seem to have occurred an age ago. With racing at Newmarket set to continue throughout the summer months, events at Ascot and the upcoming Kentucky Derby across the pond perhaps provide better options for those of you looking to win big on upcoming meetings. Royal Ascot looks set to be the most competitive for many a year, with a record number of foreign entries helping to provide a high quality field. US mare Tepin, widely regarded as the fastest thoroughbred in the world, lines up in the Queen Anne Stakes and is offered odds of 8/1 by Coral to come out victorious. So if you want to place a bet, last year’s Breeder Cup Mile winner is certainly worth a look at.

Elsewhere, racing returns to Goodwood at the end of May, kicking off a summer of high quality action at the iconic course. Always a great day out for all, why not grab a glorious Goodwood bet and sample the incredible atmosphere for yourself.

Monty Python village idiot sketch

The Editor
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Monty Python village idiot sketch

For anyone who enjoyed our recent story about the need for an Aldeburgh village idiot, here is the Monty Python village idiot sketch which was the inspiration behind it. Enjoy!

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Wanted: Village idiot for Aldeburgh

The Editor
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Wanted: Village idiot for Aldeburgh

village idiot

EXCLUSIVE
By Peter Grimes, Aldeburgh Reporter

A posh Suffolk seaside resort is advertising for a full-time village idiot in a bid to satisfy the curiosity of wealthy London tourists.

Aldeburgh has bags of cultural appeal, being the home of the classical composer Benjamin Britten and a favoured destination for artists, writers and opera lovers.

But clever town bosses recognised that well-heeled tourists were not getting any of the “silly Suffolk” encounters they craved in order to patronise the locals.

Now the town’s council is seeking to hire a village idiot who will amuse visitors by being utterly stupid and “yokel-like” while speaking in a strong Suffolk accent.

The position, which is for 38 hours a week, comes with a salary of £18,000 and substantial perks, including a special spot on the sea wall on which to sit and regularly fall off.

A council spokesman said: “Our village idiot will need to dress in old rustic country clothing, possibly a smock and a silly hat with a piece of straw in his mouth. We want our rich tourists to feel like they’ve seen the real rural Suffolk so they are not tempted to go and spend their money elsewhere, like Felixstowe.

“These people like nothing better than to go home to Chelsea or Kensington and tell their supper party friends about the yokels they met in Suffolk.”

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