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Let’s Sexit after Brexit, urges Suffolk Liberation Army

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By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

The Sexit campaign for Suffolk independence has been given a major boost by Brexit, it emerged today.

A survey by the Suffolk Liberation Army (SLA) suggests that over 96% of the county would welcome breaking free from the shackles of Westminster, and now a spokesman is demanding a referendum.

He warns there will be the key policy battle lines, including the escalation of the Suffolk/Norfolk border wall, stricter border controls but with a “Cromer Corridor” for holidays, the re-introduction of a Suffolk currency (the stoat), and the adoption of traditional Suffolk dress.

suffolk national dressStylish: traditional Suffolk dress
The spokesman said the SLA was now being mobilised across the county, pointing out that while the SLA “meant business”, it was “not to be feared by good, honest Suffolk people”.

He added: “The SLA is here to put the ‘fun’ into fundamentalism, and I would like to make clear SLA is in no way associated with the more radical Independent Suffolk of Ipswich and Stowmarket group.”

The SLA is currently training new recruits in hidden locations across mid-Suffolk and on the coast. Secret filming has revealed a number of committed and disciplined members developing observational and weapons skills as they prepare for a county-wide revolution they say is coming.

Suffolk Liberation ArmyTop secret: the Suffolk Liberation Army training camp in Minsmere
Military action is not the only choice, says the SLA. The process of Suffolkation need not be a violent one. Before taking such drastic action it has called for a referendum echoing the success of Brexit.

In the coming months you may see the stirrings of the sleeping Suffolk giant as the SLA rallies the people with glossy leaflets, dubious statistics, a comedy pop song and outrageous claims about foreigners (though it’s true that the people of Fakenham in Norfolk eat children). This could be the dawn of a new age – people of Suffolk prepare.

Corbyn refuses to step down as England manager

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By Polly Ticks, Political Editor

Embattled Jeremy Corbyn refused to step aside as England manager last night – despite a terrible performance in Europe.

The ageing leader faced a mutiny from his team and supporters across the country after his tactics and lack of ambition saw England crash out of Europe against little Iceland.

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But he steadfastly refused to budge, insisting he had a mandate to lead, and would still be in charge for the upcoming World Cup qualifying campaign.

Corbyn has been controversial since his first day in charge of the England team when he turned up for training and read out some emails to the players from fans.

“I have an email here from Beryl Biggins from Huddersfield,” he told Wayne Rooney to a hushed and astonished group. “She wants to know why her football tickets are so expensive but you get paid so much to play.”

Calls for Corbyn’s resignation will be sure to increase this week as yet more players resign from the England set-up.

An England insider said: “Soon there won’t be any players left to choose from.”

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Millions sign petition to re-run England match

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By Our Football Staff

More than 3.6 million people have signed a petition to demand England play a second match against Iceland because they didn’t win the first one.

They rushed to join the online campaign to force the Government to re-run the game, and to keep staging it until England finally won.

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The surprising and embarrassing defeat against the Icelandic part-timers split the nation, especially with those in Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland wanting an England exit, while English people wanted the team to remain.

Campaigner Justin Horrocks, of Ipswich, said: “The match was clearly not played fairly. The older players let everyone down.

“And we were lied to – they said England were good and had a chance in this tournament. But that was rubbish.

“Now we are out, and no one seems to have a plan. Even the manager has resigned before any plan is in place.

“It’s an absolute disgrace.”

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English slugs have destroyed my Brussels

in my lady garden

Help! My Brussels have been eaten by some virulent variety of Old English slugs (Borisium Nigellus) and my Romaine lettuce has also been destroyed, along with the French beans.

What is going on? My head is spinning as it does after a night on the Aspall Cyder.

My garden labourer, old Mr Corbyn, says it’s not his fault. And Messrs Cameron and Osborne, to whom I pay the ground rent for the land, through the estate agents Bulling Don-Boyce, are sipping Champagne at their country mansions and making plans to flee the country. Word is in the village that they are deep in debt and may have to sell my allotment to Mr Putin, who will probably put cheap invasive mint all over it.

jeremy corbyn gardenerMy gardener, Mr Corbyn

So where does all this destruction leave us gardeners?

Well, we need to find the bottle opener and focus on the fuschia.

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Meanwhile, I was voted in as chairwoman of the Women’s Institute, a role I have always cosseted as it puts me in charge of the Vegetable and Flower show, into which I have promised to plough in £350m a week.

I won fairly and squarely, but Mrs Glasto said we needed a fresh vote as she says I’m an old slapper. I wouldn’t mind but she’s never been involved with the institute and hadn’t even registered to vote!

So all is not well In My Lady Garden. What with the slugs and rain all I’ve been doing is deadheading the roses and watching my penstemons pop out.

English slugsEnglish slugs have destroyed my Brussels and French beans

Your tomatoes should be flowering nicely now. If your truss is a bit heavy you may need a stick to keep it upright. My sweet peas are coming on well, but you need to keep removing the dead pods to encourage more blooms.

My veg peas are also developing. There is nothing like a good pea after a pint of Adnams and a snowball.

Jobs to do this week

* Sow primrose and pansies in the greenhouse ready for Autumn planting.
* Apply for a passport to Ireland.
* Keep an eye on your Scotch Bonnet chillies to make sure they don’t take over the plot.

Your problems answered

* George O: Yes I would stay in the shed until the storms pass. Then protect yourself with that rusty old pitchfork.
* Mr Putin from Peasinghall: I know it’s difficult but if you do piss yourself laughing try not to do it on the lawn or it will leave a nasty mark
* Mrs Hodge from Dagenham: Yes a good clear out is needed now. uproot all the weeds and replace with something that will bring harmony to the borders. I would go for a hybrid rather than a pedigree specimen. Good luck!

anita-bush-signature
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UEFA bans English national anthem before Iceland kick-off

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EXCLUSIVE
By Our Football Staff

UEFA will refuse to play the English national anthem before England’s crunch Euro 2016 game on Monday because the country voted to leave the EU.

We can reveal that as both teams line up before the kick-off in Nice, only Iceland’s national anthem will be played in the stadium.

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The England set-up has been told UEFA officials wanted to show solidarity to the EU and decided banning God Save The Queen was an appropriate gesture.

But the 25,000 England fans with tickets at the Allianz Riviera stadium in Nice are expected to sing the national anthem throughout the match in protest at the UEFA ban.

A spokesman for UEFA said: “As a European organisation we stand shoulder to shoulder with the EU. England’s decision to leave the EU should not go unnoticed, and this is our way of saying, ‘Don’t mess with us’.”

England manager Roy Hodgson was said to be “furious” when informed of the anthem ban. But he told reporters that England’s fans would belt out God Save The Queen anyway to get his players in the mood just before kick-off.

english national anthemGod Save The Queen: England fans are patriotic but it has upset UEFA

An England camp insider told the Suffolk Gazette: “Our fans are patriotic and show great support. They will sing the national anthem at the top of their voices during the game regardless of UEFA refusing to play it.”

It is believed Wales and Northern Ireland, who face each other later today in the last 16, will not be punished by UEFA for Brexit. Northern Ireland, like Scotland, voted to Remain, while Wales was thought too small a country for UEFA to be concerned about.

England fan William Blake, 34, of Mountains Green, near Haverhill in Suffolk said: “UEFA can sod off. We will raise the roof in Nice whatever the corrupt Europeans think.”

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Trump: I want to buy Great Britain

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By Sandy Driver, Golf Correspondent

US Presidential hopeful Donald Trump has announced he’d like to buy Great Britain as he arrived in Suffolk today to review his plans for Aldeburgh Golf Club.

Speaking outside the clubhouse on the morning of the momentous EU Referendum result, he said “Little Englanders” were now his sort of people, and he should snap up the country.

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The controversial republican, whose views resonate with Leave campaigners across Britain, told a press conference: “I want to buy this country. The people are my kinda people, and the price has dropped somewhat overnight. My accountants are looking at the books right now.”

Mr Trump, who wants to build a wall on the Mexican border, and who wants to prevent Muslims from entering the US, said the Brits were “cut from the same cloth as me”.

buy great britain donald TrumpTrump: Plans to buy the UK

He added: “Here in Suffolk the message was clear: they wanted out of Europe. And now they have welcomed me with open arms. I’d like to buy the country, I can afford it. I will build a wall around the whole coastline, and then a drawbridge, which we’ll pull up at the first sign of any foreigner trying to get in.”

The Suffolk Gazette revealed earlier this month that Donald Trump was buying Aldeburgh Golf Club.

Members are worried he might take the stuffy traditions of the club and make it more accessible to the common man.

But during Mr Trump’s trip to Suffolk today, where he arrived after viewing his other UK course, Turnberry in Scotland, Mr Trump insisted his purchase would benefit everyone.

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Hosepipe ban to manage East Anglian drought

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EXCLUSIVE
By Ivor Traktor, Farming Correspondent (intern)

A hosepipe ban is being introduced in East Anglia as the region suffers from months of severe drought, the Suffolk Gazette can reveal.

Lack of rainfall and heatwaves have left farmers fearing for crops, gardeners have been desperately watering their parched flowers and beds, while lawns have turned a sickly brown.

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Now, as reservoir levels hit a record low, Anglian Water is having to take emergency measures and introduce a hosepipe ban from next week.

Met Office experts say Suffolk had not recorded any rainfall since a brief shower in February, and no more rain is forecast until late August at the earliest.

An insider said: “It is quite unusual to have so little rain. East Anglia has been caught in high-atmosphere jet stream shift, which has swept warm air up from Africa, and it shows no sign of changing any time soon. Who would have thought everyone would be so fed up with the sun?”

hosepipe ban westerfieldParched: This farmland at Westerfield, near Ipswich, desperately needs rain to save crops

Anglian Water bosses met this week to discuss the ongoing drought, and will announce the hosepipe ban on Monday morning.

A source told the Suffolk Gazette: “Reservoirs have hit record lows and we have to preserve what we have left. Hosepipe bans will be in place, and farms without special licenses will be prevented from irrigating crops.

“The weather has simply been too pleasant. But while lack of rain is nice for a while, it can be a killer unless we manage it properly.”

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Vote Move: Britain Stronger in South America

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By The Editor

The British people are being asked to make a monumental decision that will shape not only their lives, but those of their children and grandchildren. It’s a chance to make a real difference, an opportunity far greater than any General Election. Yet we have all been taken for fools. Vote Remain or Vote Leave, both acerbic sides of this EU Referendum campaign have degenerated into farce; a damnable shouting match that, quite frankly, has assumed we as a country has the collective intelligence of a gnat.

That’s why the Suffolk Gazette today implores its readers to take the third option, one that no other mainstream British newspaper has dared support: VOTE MOVE: Britain Stronger in South America.

We believe Britain should be shipped to South America, a continent that will enrich all our lives and give us a future and a country to be proud of.

Shamefully, the #VoteMove campaign has endured a media blackout thus far as the liberal left and confused Conservative press support Remain, while the snarling right-wing media demand we leave the EU and go it alone.

But no longer. #VoteMove now has a voice. As Editor of the Suffolk Gazette, whose readers understand well-reasoned arguments better than anyone, I feel it is my duty to urge you to vote with your conscience, and Vote Move: Britain Stronger in South America.

Look out for the campaign bus, which puts Boris’ Battle Bus to shame, and read on to see the 10 reasons why you should support Vote Move at the ballot box this week.

vote move britain stronger in South AmericaVote Move’s no-expense-spared campaign bus has been winning support across the country

Top Ten Reasons to Vote Move:

1. Better Beaches
It is a known fact that Copacabana is more pleasing to the eye than Felixstowe. I certainly never heard of Barry Manilow singing the praises of the Suffolk resort.

2. Bikram Yoga for All
Vote Move and the achingly trendy Bikram, or ‘Hot’ Yoga will be available to all… outdoors. Yes, no need to heat your gym studio to 40 degrees and suffocate in stinky body odour, soon you can enjoy Bikram outside in year-round temperatures of 40 degrees.

3. Empanadas
Consumption of this protein-rich stuffed bread or pastry will develop a more muscular population, as opposed to the stuff you currently eat from Greggs.

empanadaEmpanadas will improve British physiques and save the NHS a fortune

4. No Fake Tans
Made famous by our neighbours in Essex, fake tans will be a thing of the past as all the British people will develop a healthy year-round tan. No more smelly orange bed sheets!

5. ISIS-free zone
While Europe, North America, Asia, Africa and Australasia are gripped by the fear of ISIS terrorism, South America remains blissfully free of this threat… touch wood.

6. One Million New Jobs
Physically digging up Britain and moving it piece-by-piece to South America will create one million jobs. Instantly.

7. Fitter Birds
Campaigners inform me that the women in South America are as hot as the weather.

south american womanA typical South American woman

8. Strong Diplomatic Relations
Britain will be stronger in South America, where we already have close ties with regional economic and military powerhouses such as The Falklands, Belize, Guyana and Suriname.

9. Footballing Success
South America is rich in sporting talent. Moving there will allow British clubs to grab local talent such as Neymar Jr or Messi without having to sort out a work permit.

10. Cheaper Colombian Product
It is estimated that one in ten Brits, aged 18-59 have consumed Colombian product. This is not to be sniffed at, so moving there will clearly make trade routes easier.

Now you know the facts, there really is only one option open to you at the polls this week. Vote Move: Britain Stronger in South America.

For more campaign information, please visit the Vote Move website, and share our story with your friends. The opportunity is great, and we owe it to ourselves to seize it with both hands. Then we’ll go to the beach.