Saturday, April 26, 2025
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I plumbed depths of bad taste with my outside toilet

in my lady garden

I was swigging a bottle of vodka in the bath the other night while contemplating my herbaceous border.

As I got out, I dropped the bottle down the toilet with a loud crash, leaving a crack in the bowl.

We had to get Suffolk’s famous plumbing firm Rufus Leaking (only £499 callout charge. Motto: No Job Too Small, No Meal Too Big).

They sent me young Kev, the apprentice, with his instruction booklet and The Daily Star, both of which he could only understand by looking at the pictures.

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He whipped out the broken receptacle while eating five packets of Hobnobs. While his ballcock was out on my lawn he advised me that many avant-garde (he used the term “bonkers”) gardeners often used their old toilets as planters.

Well, no sooner said than done. He took time off from the hard work to organise this poncey photo-shoot, chortling to himself that a sweet pea was an ideal choice for my outside toilet, or a “red-hot chilli flush” and he even put a log in the lav for added comedy effect.

outside toiletOutside toilet: perfect for sweet peas and logs

How fetching it looks, and very handy if you are caught short while mowing the lawn. Other plants suitable for a toilet are wee-steria, pee-tunias and any kind of bog plant.

With this hot spell, you may be enjoying the odd crate of Aspall Cyder and some Asda chicken wings al fresco.

If you see a huge insect and hear it zooming as it whizzes towards you, it is a Cockchafer, otherwise known as a Billy Witch or Doodlebug.

They were almost eradicated but with less use of pesticide, the Cockchafer is back with a bang. It may come as no surprise to you that Cockchafers are more active in the evenings and can come down chimneys or through open windows. I can’t imagine anything more alarming than a huge cockchafer poking in through the bedroom curtains.

But don’t be too alarmed. They may look like hornets though they don’t sting. But don’t get one tangled in your hair. Be particularly vigilant if you have a penchant for nude sunbathing.

I thought I was going to have to warn you about another pest In My Lady Garden this week. Huge black spots appeared on my hellebores and giant primulas. I investigated my gardening books but then remembered my old man had painted the fence black during his second bottle of Rioja.

black spot garden

You may have forgotten how annoying children are but with the school holidays now upon us you will soon remember.

Why not make use of them by letting them play with the watering can or paying them a penny for every ten weeds they pull up while you settle down playing games on their iPads?

This week I harvested my delicious baby Lunchbox Cucumbers (Linfordium Christius).

Meanwhile, my brother-in-law gave me a Brazilian. It’s a climbing fuchsia called Lady Boothby. Which reminds me, if you have a Bearded Iris, this is the time to divide it so it can form new roots.

Jobs to do this week

* Get some tomato feed and give your plants a good old dose to encourage flowering and plump fruits.
* Spray your hollyhocks with a fungicide if they show leaf rust.
* Plant second cropping potatoes so you have some ready for Christmas in case Aunt Bessie goes on strike.

And now for your problems

* Mr Nobbs of Needham: If the veins have taken on a purple hue, you can bet it’s Clematis Wilt. You need a systemic spray.
* Mr P. F. From Stowupland: I am a gardener not a dentist but I do know that a tiny dab of clove oil on a cotton bud can help with the pain. Or try seven pints of Adnams.
* Jenny from Finborough: Yes, you can eat the nasturtium leaves. In olden days they were used to treat scurvy. But you can also prevent this by putting plenty of lime in your gin and tonic.

Cheers!

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Norwich model new kit on Greater Anglia seat covers

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EXCLUSIVE
By Casey Jones, Railways Correspondent

Norwich City have revealed they modeled their ugly new kit on Greater Anglia trains’ sickening seat covers.

Brand experts say the idea is clever because Greater Anglia and Norwich share the spotlight as being the two most despised and ridiculed outfits to travel out of Norfolk.

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The new Norwich third kit features hideous splashes of green and yellow, seemingly splattered indiscriminately all over the place by a two-year-old with a paint brush.

norwich city kitDisgusting: more turd kit than third kit

But there is method to the madness, with the club linking up cleverly with Greater Anglia, which runs trains from Norwich into London (sometimes).

greater anglia trainLuxury: a Greater Anglia carriage with Norwich City-style seat covers

Football strips from the 1990s that featured ugly splashes have been ridiculed ever since, but Norwich chairman Ed Balls believes he’s on to a winner. However, a sport retail expert said: “We believe that even Norwich fans are not stupid enough to buy this.”

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Farmer soaks holidaymakers for profit

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By Ivor Traktor, Farming Correspondent (intern)

Suffolk potato magnate Maurice Piper has diversified into a profitable new sideline – cooling off cheapskate holidaymakers with his giant irrigation system.

Mr Piper, whose family have farmed potatoes at Bungay since King Edward was on the throne, charges visitors £1 a go to be drenched in a field during the heatwave.

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Hundreds of visitors, mindful of austerity and the need to be prudent, have shunned expensive traditional water parks to stand in a Suffolk potato field instead.

They park up in the farmyard, strip off to their underwear and then walk into the middle of a field so Mr Piper can turn on the irrigation to give them a thorough soaking.

field irrigationSplash the cash: Suffolk farmer creates profitable sideline

Happy customer Bubba Spuckler, who was visiting Suffolk from his small holding in Downham Market, Norfolk, with his sister and their eight children, claimed it was a magical experience.

He said: “It was awesome. I paid only a pound to get absolutely soaked. It cooled me down beautifully and the kids loved it. Why would anyone pay a fortune to visit a water park?”

Mr Piper, 62, says he plans to franchise his idea to farms around Britain. “Us farmers need to squeeze every last drop of profit that we can. These are difficult times.”

However, the Suffolk Gazette understands health and safety officials are set to visit Mr Piper’s farm to assess if his scheme is legal. “We have concerns over visitors splashing about and having fun while surrounded by heavy moving equipment,” a spokesman said.

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Supermarkets ban Cock Inn Cider

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A Suffolk pub with its own microbrewery is furious after supermarket bosses pulled its latest product (cock inn cider) from the shelves – for being too rude.

EXCLUSIVE
By Colin Allcabs, Consumer Editor

The Cock Inn, a 17th century hostelry in Little Brimmer, near Stowmarket, unveiled its Cock Inn after months of meticulous testing and tasting.

But within days of hitting Tesco and Waitrose stores throughout East Anglia, the fruity Cock Inn was withdrawn, leaving customers gasping in the hot weather.

A retail insider explained: “The microbrewery produces Stout Cock Inn, Cock Inn Blonde and even Cock Inn Brown ale, all of which have been sold with no problems.

“However, Cock Inn was deemed too much of a double entendre, so supermarket bosses pulled it off the shelves and have demanded a re-brand.”

cock inn ciderBrewing up a storm: Cock Inn Cider

Owner John Thomas fumed: “It’s all a great shame. One of our rivals in Norfolk produces Whippet Inn Cider, so Cock Inn is no worse really. If they want real double entendres, I’ll give them one.”

Mr Thomas said his team would now have to spend thousands renaming the brew and changing the labeling and packaging.

“As it’s an apple cider, we’ll be calling it Cock Inn Granny Smith. No one can argue against that.”

Ipswich Town silence critics with record signing

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By Suffolk Gazette Football Staff

Ipswich Town silenced moaning fans by unveiling their record signing yesterday.

Supporters have been dejected by an apparent lack of transfer activity, believing it will lead to another season of mediocrity.

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But the club surprised everyone by revealing Darren Horlock to the press, making him a record fourth new member of the match-day bar staff.

Horlock, 19, was a free agent but impressed Portman Road bosses with his pace and ability to retrieve a pie from the hot plate while still opening and pouring a plastic bottle of beer.

“We think we have unearthed a diamond,” said hospitality manager Clarissa Dickson. “The fans will love him.”

ipswich-signingDarren Horlock: silky-skilled new Ipswich signing

Meanwhile, Ipswich manager Mick McCarthy, who watched his side run riot in a 1-0 mauling of bottom-league newcomers Colchester United last night, revealed he had spent a whole hour this week talking to reclusive owner Marcus Evans about possible new signings.

As other Championship clubs, including arch-rivals Norwich City, spend millions bolstering their squads in readiness for a promotion challenge to the Premier League, Ipswich have signed nobody, aside from Adam Webster, who was part of a swap deal.

McCarthy told Ipswich news website TWTD: “Potentially there are a few loans, a few permanents, but we will see. We are in discussions with different people.

“There are some real big spenders in our league this year who are doing all the deals and there are a few of us beneath that who are trying to manufacture deals or maybe swaps or free transfers, if someone wants to get someone off the wage bill.”

That uninspiring news was soon eclipsed by the exciting deal with Horlock, who will meet up with his new team mates at the season opener at home to Barnsley on August 6.

He said: “I’m looking forward to it. Ipswich is a big club with great fans, and I hope I can repay the faith they have shown in me by serving them as quickly as possible at half-time.”

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Heatwave mum fries egg on car

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By Gale McCloud, Weather Correspondent

A Suffolk mum says it’s so hot today that she accidentally fried an egg on her car.

Sascha Smith, 32, had just got home from shopping when she tried to put a carton of eggs on her car roof so she could close the boot.

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But the carton slipped out of her hand causing one of the free-range eggs to smash over the hot metal of her black Mini.

“It started frying before my eyes,” mum-of-two Sasha said. “I couldn’t believe it. I know it’s really hot today but that was ridiculous. I had to run inside the house and bring out my spatula. By the time I got back it was cooked to perfection.”

fried egg on carIt’s no yolk: Sascha sent us this pic of her fried egg before eating it

Sasha said she scooped up the tasty treat, sunny side up, and added some pepper and chives. “It was a shame to waste it. It was cracking,” she said.

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Temperatures in Suffolk soared to a whopping 28 degrees centigrade today, and the heatwave is expected to last well into next week.

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Suffolk Gazette goes fishing, catches Norwich fans

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By Courtney Pike, Angling Correspondent

When it comes to winding up Norwich fans, the Suffolk Gazette takes its work very seriously. So, when we recently put some juicy bait on the line using a cheeky Twitter trick, the poor soles in Norfolk bit and were left wriggling on the hook. In fact, we reeled in a whole load of them.

The plan was simple. Using a clever piece of software, we made sure that every time a Norwich fan Tweeted using the hashtag #NCFC they were automatically added to various Suffolk Gazette lists including I’m Really an ITFC Fan. They then got an automated message informing them of this joyous news. And they were very cross.

Many clearly had no idea how Twitter lists work and seemed to think we needed their permission to add them to anything. Others thought we had somehow hacked into their account. One even wanted to call in the lawyers.

They couldn’t fathom what was happening to them.

In fact, they were feeling violated.

Some were very cross.

But when they complained by Tweeting us directly using @SuffolkGazette, things got even worse for them…

… because Tweeting us automatically added them to another list called Suffolk Stars!

Of course, all of this was being played out in front of thousands on Twitter, and Ipswich fans were enjoying the fishing expedition.

Eventually, some of the Norwich fans got the joke. At first, they were like…

… then they were like


And once the penny dropped, inevitably the joke was turned on the Suffolk Gazette itself, and we found ourselves being added to some lists as well.

There was even a list created called “Tossers”, and the Suffolk Gazette remains the only member. And for that, we are very proud.

Don’t worry if your onions poke out

in my lady garden
Are your onions protruding? Don’t be alarmed. So are my husband’s. They are supposed to at this time of the year. At first I didn’t know whether they were getting too big for their space, or whether they needed to be covered up. Indeed, I thought the Old Bill might turn up.

You don’t need to earth them up, as you do your potatoes. Just leave your onions to enjoy feeling the sun or the pitter-patter of gentle rain as they swell.

As you can see from my photo of Bonkers Boris, the village idiot, you will find that many things In the lady garden are there for the taking at the moment. Notice his firm carrot and plump potatoes. They can all be harvested now or in the next few weeks, along with the broad beans, peas and salad veg. You can still plant an extra row of peas and enjoy another summer crop. Your beetroot may also be ready for pulling out to enjoy with a tin of Spam and a dollop of Heinz salad cream.

Embed from Getty Images

Bonkers Boris in a vegetative state

Bonkers Boris can usually be found sitting on the wall near the old asylum with his mussed-up hair, grunting as the girls go by and yelling “wiff waff, wiff waff” at our foreign fruit pickers. And look what the soppy old thing did when I asked him once to help clear out the stream at the bottom of my Lady Garden. He waded right into the middle, and you can see here what happened next…

Sometimes Bonkers Boris can been seen on his rusty old bike on the way to the allotments where he works as a scarecrow. But for all his stupidity, he knows quite a bit about My Lady Garden and likes to lend a hand.

He quotes many old bits of wisdom from his uncle, Mr Trump, who brought him up in a cupboard under the stairs, like: “Red sky at night? Putin’s in sight.”

Or: “Don’t cast a clout till Mrs May is out.”

And: “A bird in the hand can be shagged in the bush.”

Sometimes, he shouts in what he thinks is Latin: “Bleugh! Plop! Inky Pinky Ponky Ner Ner Ner. Foreign Secs for Everyone, HAHAHA!”

They are almost as wise as my favourite old sayings: “A hard man is good to find.” Or:”A bad workman always blames his tool.” And: “All that glitters is not Gary.”

Another famous phrase, of course, is: “The other man’s grass is always greener.”

This applied to me and my next door neighbour. The last time I threw a gin bottle over the hedge I had a peep at his lawn. It was perfectly cropped and perfectly green, like the famous cricket pitch at Wembley.

wembley pitchHowzat! The famous Wembley cricket ground with lovely turf
Then I realised it was AstroTurf! I looked up the price and it was more expensive than my shagpile!

Many dog owners lay fake lawn to stop widdle stains. My husband is thinking of getting the same for me… and we don’t even have a pet.

Laying the artificial grass is a right palaver but you can always get a man in. The advice is to remove the sod. But I think you should make him a cup of tea and a sausage sandwich.

Once my neighbour had gone to all that expense and was expecting to spend the summer on his lilo with a barrel of Adnams, his father-in-law went round while he was out and mowed the AstroTurf. Oh, how I laughed!

Of course, if you do get fake grass you can take your lawn mower to the car boot and swap in for a Tesco bag of eighties Videos, or a kettle with no lid, a plastic baby potty with matching changing mat, or a bin bag of mismatched shoes and wellies.

One man wrote to me last week and was worried that his cucumber was wilting. It just needs more and regular water. But we will soon be out of Europe so there is no pressure on you to have a rigid straight specimen. Let it bend a little in the middle. We are free Britishers not law-bound to grow straight bananas or cucumbers. Why not send us all a photo. We won’t laugh, will we readers?

Jobs to do this week

* Prune the side shoots from your wandering Wisteria but leave the main branches to train up the wall or over your pergola.

* Use your hoe or a shovel to gather up soil (earthing up) over your spuds as if they turn green they will be poisonous. Do the same if they are in pots. They need to be kept in the dark, much like your old man with your credit card bills.

* Buy a kids’ paddling pool to stick your feet in while you knock back some Aspall’s Cyder with a bucket of KFC.

Now for the answers to your problems

* Theresa M from Thornham Magna: Well what a lot of jobs you have to do under pressure. Did you take my advice and put all the names of the people you don’t like in a hat, shake it about and pull the names out just give them any old job? If you employ so many on your estate, they’ll just have to learn on the job. What’s the worst that can happen?

* Mrs S Cameron: No, you cannot steal all the shrubs and garden furniture from the house they kicked you out of, nor can you roll up the lawn and crane out the mature trees. Ask your billionaire family to get you some brand new things from B & Q and Argos. They do a very pleasant nylon marquee.

* Mr Gove: Well I really don’t know why you’re asking ME what gardening job prospects there are for a short labourer. You could try picking fruit from low-lying bushes like gooseberries. Remember you don’t like EXPERTS and I am the expert supreme. So please don’t bother me again.

Have a good week!

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