Wednesday, April 2, 2025
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Snail farm closes because business was slow

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snail farm

By Suffolk Gazette Staff

A Suffolk snail farm has been forced to close with the loss of four jobs, the Suffolk Gazette can reveal.

Bosses at Halesworth-based Let’s Escargot blamed the collapse on business being so slow.

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Managing Director Frank O’Phyle, 48, said: “The snail business is much slower than we thought. I’d suggest if you want fast profits, shell out for fast food.”

He added that his remaining 400 snails, which he had been breeding for four years, were spared from the dinner plate and released into the wild last week. They had nearly reached the door already.

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Norfolk woman to run for Labour leadership

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By Suffolk Gazette Political Staff

Norfolk mother-of-ten Edna Spratt has announced her intention to stand for the leadership of the Labour Party.

Speaking from her Dereham hovel, Ms Spratt, 44, claimed she was best placed to fight new Tory Prime Minister Theresa May – and to one day grab the keys to Downing Street.

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Ms Spratt, who lives with her brother and their ten children, said her humble upbringing as a Norfolk peasant makes her an ideal candidate on the world stage alongside other superwomen like Hillary Clinton, Angela Merkel and Mary Berry.

And she insists her conviction for stealing a chutney recipe should not stand against her, but rather illustrates she is “just a normal person trying to get by”.

She told the Suffolk Gazette: “I have been a member of the Labour Party all my working life. At least I would have been had I ever worked or indeed paid my subscription.

“But it is time for a strong woman to take control. If scruffy old Jeremy Corbyn can do it, then I certainly can.”

norfolk hovel edna sprattPower politics: Edna Spratt relaxing in her luxury Norfolk kitchen

Ms Spratt, who has never been to London before, intends to borrow a horse and cart to take her to the Big City so she can launch her Leadership election campaign.

Top of her policy list is a big increase in the aid budget for the Third World so that Norfolk can be connected to the national electricity grid.

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New Apple computer launch attended by local students

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A group of Suffolk schoolchildren won a prize to see the launch of the much-anticipated new Apple computer in London yesterday.

They were amazed to see the new device had no wires, could be dropped without shattering, and will NEVER need charging.

“It wouldn’t matter if there was a power cut. I can’t understand it! Trust Apple to invent something so clever,” said Lorraine Fisher, 34, a teacher at Stowmarket Middle School.

“We kept looking to see where the wires went but there aren’t any! And it actually prints as you type without having a separate printer to keep going wrong.”

The computer is called The Remington and is expected to take the market by storm with its £20 price tag.

apple computer the remingtonKeys to success: Apple’s new computer will revolutionise the way we work
Student, Holly Brain, said: “We were flabbergasted when we touched a key and it appeared on the paper straight away. I broke my nail because the keys were harder to press than the ones on my iPad, and there was no search facility.

“But the fact that I would never have to fight my brother to use the charger is a big bonus. You can type out your homework and give it straight to the teacher without worrying whether the printer is working.”

The revolutionary Remington will make ink cartridges obsolete. Instead the ink is magically held into a little ribbon which is inserted into the computer for instant printing. It is completely mechanical, taking away the need for wires or batteries.

An Apple spokesman said: “We were delighted at the response of the children to the launch of The Remington. Once again we have shown how innovative our designers are with this climate-friendly device.”

He admitted The Remington might be a little noisier than other computers on the market, but stressed this simply “added to its charm”.

Suffolk Gazette saves Angela Eagle press conference

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By Polly Ticks, Whitehall Correspondent

The Suffolk Gazette rode to the rescue of Labour leadership challenger Angela Eagle – by being the only mainstream newspaper to remain at her campaign launch press conference and ask questions.

She summoned the media at the worst possible time, just as Andrea Leadsom was announcing she was abandoning her bid for the Tory leadership, meaning Theresa May will be our Prime Minister.

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But while other newspapers rushed off to cover the Conservative bombshell, we remained with the Eagle camp purely because a cup of tea and a sandwich was on offer.

So when Eagle invited questions from the hacks, we were there to fill in for the BBC, ITV and everyone else, and prevent an embarrassing silence.

Representing the interests of our readers, we fired in three key questions:

– What would you put on your allotment rhubarb to prevent pests?
– What do you think of Ipswich Town’s chances of making the play-offs this coming season?
– What is your favourite colour?

We were about to ask a fourth crucial question about Adnams beer when we were told to “bugger off after all and join the other journalists”.

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Mr Chilcot blasts my lupins of mass destruction

in my lady garden

Old Mr Chilcot next door has been kicking up a fuss. He said my plants had crossed his driveway obliterating his trailing lobelia. He called mine Lupins of Mass Destruction!

He wrote a madly-long letter to the parish council, labelling me a member of the Royal War-decultural Society. Anyone would think I had parked my tank on his lawn! He also took his trimmer to my hedge (Georgius Bushium).

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Meanwhile I took myself off to the allotment to get away from all the fuss.

lupinsLupins of mass distraction (Photo: Simon Young)

Do you have a dirty old hoe in your shed? Many of my male readers would find one very handy.

A hoe is just the thing to get to all those little nooks and crannies and both my father and grandfather used them.

It is a small, sharpish rake thing and is one of the reasons we grow vegetables in neat rows. Hoe between the lines to gouge out weed seedlings before they get a grip on your crops.

A hand-hoe is one with a short handle.

dirty hoeWhat a filthy hoe

I don’t like bending down while hoeing so I prefer a nice long handle (Dutch hoe £6.75 from B & Q) and use it like a 1960s housewife with a Ewbank carpet sweeper to keep the dandelions at bay.

This is the time to harvest your herbs for drying. Use a rubber band to tie your lavender branches and hang upside down from a beam (the herbs that is, not you, unless you are a High Court judge in suspenders).

Rosemary, thyme and oregano can all be dried in bunches – and they only take up a thousand times more space than a little Lidl jar.

Some gardeners dry their herbs on kitchen roll in the microwave but I wouldn’t recommend it as it might burn your house down.

Many of my men friends have flies covering their carrots. The dreaded carrot fly can also infest parsnips, celery and celeriac and they are attracted by the smell.

rotten-carrotCarrot fly: beware of infection

Try Nemasys Fruit and Vegetable Protection (about £8 a pop from garden centres or Durex Ribbed and Dotted from Superdrug).

Alternatively, buy a bag of BOGOF carrots from Tesco, get your deckchair out, crack open a bottle and forget all about garden pests. Personally I have never seen a carrot fly any more than a pig but I have seen a pea shoot.

Jobs to do this week

* Pick off any Rosemary beetles and tread on them.
* Buy some mosquito repellent for balmy late night sessions.
* Pop some spring onions in and they’ll be ready to nibble with a pork pie and bottle of Adnams Prosecco between eight to 12 weeks, if you can wait that long for a drink.

Your questions answered

* Mr Gove of Glemsford: Oh, poor little you! It sounds as though all your turnips have bolted. There’s nothing you can do about it now, I’m afraid.

* Mrs J G from Finborough. Yes those little insects can bite. I’m sure Savlon will help where you got ants in your pants.

* Mandy from Stowmarket: If you are not sure the pods are ready for eating, try taking a pea in the vegetable plot before you pick the lot.

That’s it for this week!

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Suffolk recruitment firm wins new business

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By Phil Rowles

A Suffolk recruitment company is celebrating major businesses wins in recent weeks and is now looking urgently to fill some key positions.

Applicants are invited to send their CVs to I Do Big Jobs of Bury St Edmunds, along with a covering letter.

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British Prime Minister
Unexpectedly available, this position requires a thick skin and the ability to annoy everybody but still run a country successfully. Previous experience of working in international markets is desirable, as is some accountancy and public speaking skills. However, our clients are looking in particular for a great team player who can show a demonstrable record of successful change management. An education at Eton is desirable.

This role is based in London, but there will be the opportunity for foreign travel.

£142,500 basic salary plus benefits, including chauffeur-driven car and bodyguards.

England Football Manager
The Football Association of England is looking for a new Manager to take the national team to a new level – ie a winning one. Our clients are determined that the nation’s hopes will never again be raised and then shattered by poor management skills.

roy hodgson england managerVisionary: Could you be the next England manager?

This role is based in London and has team building and performance management at its heart. You will have played football at the highest level and have a proven record in club management. Core skills will include utilising your employees’ strengths, an understanding of foreign management systems, and PR expertise.

£3.9 million annual salary, including five weeks holiday – extendable to a lifetime holiday if England don’t win something soon.

Labour Shadow Cabinet
Our client, the Labour Party, has various roles unexpectedly available, with more likely this week. Owing to recent policy issues, many key staff have taken early retirement.

It is possible that there will also be a vacancy soon for a Labour Party Leader, so applicants might like to keep this in mind when submitting their CV.

£74,962 plus expenses, although moats and duck houses are not allowable.

Top Gear Presenter
Our client is looking for a television and motoring expert to take its flagship show to new heights. You will be likeable and not have ginger hair. Candidates with experience of turning around a failing organisation will be preferred.

Salary on application, benefits include company cars and foreign travel

chris evans top gearFlop Gear: Apply now to rescue this ailing business

UKIP Leader
An opportunity has arisen for a right-wing maverick to take over our client, a British political party with more bark than bite. You will be required to expand the product offering because the existing line – Anti-Europe – has sold out.

We are advised that while applications are currently being considered, this position will be closed if the former leader decides to return. Again.

£79,000 plus £42,000 allowances, although this income comes from a Member of the European Parliament salary which will soon be lost.

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Elvis Presley is alive and living in Ibiza

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WORLD EXCLUSIVE
By Arthur Pint, Entertainment Editor

Elvis Presley is alive and enjoying his retirement in Ibiza, we can reveal today.

The King of Rock and Roll, who many have always claimed faked his own death, lives in a huge hilltop villa close to the pretty town of Sant Josep de sa Talaia, and had until recently enjoyed complete anonymity.

But a new hotel was built on the isolated road leading up to his home, and tourists have begun noticing the unmistakable figure of Elvis as he potters about.

The Suffolk Gazette flew to the sunshine Mediterranean island after a tip-off from a reader who was sure she had seen Elvis, who is now a sprightly 81 years old, wandering up the hill with some bread, fresh milk and frozen burgers.

Our Entertainment Editor Arthur Pint, who once saw Elvis perform live in Las Vegas, rented a villa close by and set about finding out if the numerous sightings could be true.

Astonishingly, within hours he had taken this picture of the man so many believe is Elvis Presley, confirming the star did not die on the lavatory back in 1977 after all.

elvis presley alive living ibizaHeartbreak hotel: new 4 star hotel has exposed Elvis to tourists

Pint said: “Elvis looks amazing. He is quite trim and is still getting about well. His hair is now grey and he sports a goatee beard, but his features are unmistakable.”

Locals have always suspected the man on the hill was Elvis. Pedro Alonso, 65, who spends his days watching the world go by at the Raco Verd bar in Sant Josep, paying with an Elvis wallet he bought on Amazon, said: “He moved in to the house on the hill during late summer in 1977.

“I remember it well because my father worked as a labourer when the property was built. In those days Ibiza was quiet and nobody took any notice of new people. There was a free spirit.

Elvis Presley is alive

“But now the island is packed each summer with tourists from Britain and Germany, and the new hotel near the villa has meant the man in the villa has been exposed to more and more people.

“The older locals always knew who he was but respected his privacy, but now everyone has a smartphone and can take pictures. I’m amazed this has not come out before.”

Our man visited Elvis’ villa hoping for an interview that would go down in history as the greatest ever. Pint rang the buzzer by the electronic gates and a man spoke over the speaker in Spanish – but with a definite Deep South American drawl.

“Is this Mr Presley?” Pint asked. There was a tell-tale split second delay before the man replied: “No. Adios.”

Pint was not put off, and set about watching Elvis for a few days to get a sense of his lifestyle in Ibiza. One night he was amazed as Elvis set out in his black Jeep and headed for party capital of San Antonio. There he giggled as local Elvis tribute act Ibiza Elvis, whose tagline is “It’s Good to be The King”, performed at a bar.

elvis tribute act ibizaAll Shook Up: Elvis enjoyed the tribute show
Elvis supped on a coffee and tapped his feet as the tribute show belted out hit after hit, including Hound Dog, Jailhouse Rock and Suspicious Minds.

Then he went to nearby Amnesia, the huge club where young tourists party the night away. On Saturday thousands were unaware they were in the presence of the most famous musician ever.

Elvis, dressed in a crisply-pressed white shirt and black trousers, stayed for over an hour soaking up the atmosphere before driving back to his villa alone. Clearly music is still a huge part of his life.

Love me tender

The next day our man watched as Elvis drove to the port at nearby Ibiza Town and climbed aboard a small boat which was to take him out to a luxury yacht. As he sat down on the service boat, a passing tourist from Manchester said: “Nice boat, sir.”

And Elvis replied in English: “I love me tender.”

Elvis Presley in Ibiza

It is believed the superstar chose Ibiza because of the guaranteed weather and because in the 1970s, when he was supposed to have died at his mansion in Graceland, Memphis, the island was quiet with very few visitors.

But he would have watched dismayed as the island became increasingly popular with hundreds of thousands of visitors each month. He must have been surprised that no one had spotted him. Until now.

New balls, please – why I’m feeling a bit forelorn

in my lady garden

I took myself off to Wimbledon this week as I was worried about the lawn. Look at the fecking state of it! But did they appreciate me trying to help? Did they hell.

After queueing for nine hours, during which I had to keep my place with my Lidl carrier bag while I nipped for several widdles, I finally got to the turnstiles and forced my way to the Centre Court.

It was just before that cheeky little Brit upstart Marcus Willis and Roger Federer came out with their soppy plastic bottles and hundreds of towels which they sweat all over and chuck at children.

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I shot forward to the bald baseline, clutching my container of Miracle Gro Patch Magic Repairer (£9.84 per kg from B & Q) and sprinkled it about just as Roger Federer appeared on the court with his banana in his hand.

To my horror a dozen men in white coats ran as if from nowhere and bundled me off to security. I tried to run but slipped, doing the splits like an EU Referendum… or an Essex girl outside Wetherspoons.

doing the splitsElegant: This is just what I looked like when I slipped on court

When I see the Wimbledon hallowed turf on the telly I can see why they always need more Wimbledon seeds.

I can’t understand, when they start the fortnight with such an impeccable lawn, why they can’t just stand still and wait for the ball to come to them, like we did at primary school. But no! They have to run and stomp all over it in their lumpy shorts. I can’t make out how they fit so many balls in those shorts. And after spending so much time down there, it’s no wonder they have to change them so often.

new balls please roger federerFederer: new balls, please

I think the real reason they threw me out is that they thought I was going to get some free sponsorship in front of the TV cameras in my Adnams t-shirt and Suffolk Gazette baseball cap.

I should add here, that before I got nicked, I had been round the posh Wimbledon gardens and bars. I had a couple of jugs of Pimms (£75.99) and a punnet of strawberries (£25, and just £10 for an optional dollop of cream). Then I had a couple of G & Ts and set about the flower beds. I dead-headed their hydrangeas, petunias and geraniums and dug a couple up to take home. They had plenty of them!

I only did it because the lawn looked as threadbare as a Jeremy Corbyn jacket.

What’s going on with the world of politics? I honestly think they’re all a bunch of countrymen not worthy of our votes.

Do you remember when Boris Johnson bought three secondhand water cannon for £328,000 but was refused permission to use them? Well, while the Tories are in disarray, I have bought them for £25 quid to use on the allotment.

Here are some things you can pop in your veg plot this week: turnips, beetroot, carrots and spring cabbage.

Jobs to do this week

* Net your brassicas against butterflies. Pick off any caterpillars and chuck them over next door’s hedge.

* If you’re going on holiday, trim any straggly bits and get ready to tackle pests.

* Take down your hanging baskets, if no one is going to be there to water them while you’re at Butlins, and put them in a shady spot with a good drink.

Your problems answered

* Jeremy from Islington: Some perennials resent being divided up like this. Your poor clump needs some support or you may as well put it out of its misery with a bottle of Weedol.

* Theresa M from Cockfield: What a terrible mess your Lady Garden is. Order a copy of my new book – Two’s Company, Freesia Crowd.

* Boris from Cuckooland: Thankyou for sending me the photo of your shrivelled red-hot pepper. I would say it’s been sabotaged in its growth stages to stop it standing proud. There is little you can do at this stage. Next time, keep it in the shade. Or in your trousers.

red hot pepperBoris’ shrivelled pepper

That’s it from me. See you next week.

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