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Shock as PM warns Brexit will close car washes

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Shock as PM warns Brexit will close car washes

By Suffolk Gazette Political Team

There was widespread shock across Britain today as David Cameron revealed we would all have to wash our own cars if we pulled out of Europe.

The nightmare scenario is likely to shift public opinion ahead of the EU referendum next month, because we’ve become too lazy to clean our own motors.

Previous In Campaign doomsday predictions of Brexit include a devastating recession, 800,000 job losses, a house market crash, rising High Street prices and world security concerns.

Eastern European car wash

These have failed to shift voting intentions, but the Prime Minister and his team believe the disappearance of the Eastern European car wash is a game changer.

Speaking during a flying visit to Ipswich today, Mr Cameron said: “Every town and city is used to a proliferation of commercial car washes run by Eastern Europeans, who have shown the sort of entrepreneurial spirit that the EU freedom of movement allows and encourages.

“These enterprises are cheap and quick, and they do a jolly good job. Gone are the tedious days of having to wash our own cars every weekend after doing the lawn. Now we just pop along to see Paulius and his busy-bee workers.

“But if you vote to leave the EU, these marvelous, industrious soapy institutions will be lost because the Brits don’t like working hard for little return.”

eastern european car washVote In or lose your Eastern European car wash, warns Cameron
Motorist Graham Parker was queuing up to get his Range Rover cleaned at the popular Kowalski car wash in Ipswich. He told the Suffolk Gazette he was a confirmed Brexit voter who wanted Britain out of the EU, but Mr Cameron’s warning had changed his mind.

“I don’t think we as a country could cope without our local Eastern European car wash. We’ve lost the desire and skills necessary to do them ourselves, so I’ll be voting to stay in the EU now.”

New fire engine sparks safety fears

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New fire engine sparks safety fears

EXCLUSIVE
By Barney McGrew, Framlingham Reporter

Residents have voiced concerns that Framlingham’s new fire engine is not up to required safety standards.

The Suffolk Fire Service budget is under extreme pressure, and although Framlingham’s fire station remains open, its fire engine was downgraded.

Locals who have seen the new appliance racing around the town have not been impressed. They say they doubt it could cope if a major fire broke out.

And a major Suffolk Gazette investigation has uncovered a host of potentially dangerous faults with the new fire engine, which is rumoured to have cost Suffolk County Council £125,000.

We were shown around the new appliance by a fire station insider who was concerned it has some service issues.

new fire engineFlaming row: locals argue the new fire engine is not safe

One key problem is that it has a maximum speed of 3 mph, which means response times could be dangerously slow. Also, getting out of Framlingham in a northerly direction – up the hill – would be even slower.

“If a blaze broke out at a farm in Tannington, which is about five miles away, it could take the unit around two hours to get there,” said the insider, who asked not to be named.

The next issue our investigation uncovered was that the appliance has just a 30-litre water capacity kept in two plastic buckets, which would make it difficult to tackle anything larger than an oven fire.

And the third major flaw is the rescue ladder, which sits on top of the vehicle. We measured it and found that, even when fully extended, it reached 1.5 metres.

The insider explained: “This could have serious consequences for anyone who does not live in a bungalow.”

County council spokesperson Lorraine Fisher, 34, insisted the new fire engine was fit for purpose.

“It’s red and has a bell, and will get from A to B eventually. Some people will complain about anything,” she said.

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Injunction shields kids from marriage scandal

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Injunction shields kids from marriage scandal

By Sue Grabbit, Legal Editor

A famous person was granted a High Court injunction yesterday to prevent a scandal about him being published in England and Wales.

The celebrity, known only as MCP, did not want his children to read that he was married and faithful to his spouse, known as PMT.

The judge at London’s High Court said that the couple’s children would be distressed to find out that their parents had wed, stayed loyal to each other and had never joined the Mile High Club with other passengers or shagged strangers they had met in pubs.

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“They would be a laughing stock in the playground,” said Lord Canute of Frogspawn. “The facts may be on the Internet and published in Scotland and in newspapers around the world, and we accept that the children may find out on the bus or on Twitter.

“But the parents told them they had been on the Jeremy Kyle Show discussing group sex they had enjoyed, along with one night stands and one of them having had drink and cocaine problems in the past. The children had believed this and were happy in this knowledge.

“It would not be fair to see their mother and father portrayed in the newspapers as a boring couple who would turn down the chance of a threesome.”

With the injunction in place, anyone who names the couple could be sent to prison for contempt of court.

A spokesman for the Press said: “This is draconian. To threaten people with jail for telling the truth or repeating stories that have been published around the world and on social media is a retrograde step in a democratic society. The public, who have supported the celebrity throughout his career by buying his products, have a right to know that he has never so much as looked at another woman.”

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I’m growing for Gold at The Chelsea Flower Show!

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I’m growing for Gold at The Chelsea Flower Show!

in my lady garden

This is supposed to be a secret but you all know how gobby I am and I’m so excited that I cannot keep it to myself! I’m in line to pick up the coveted Royal Whoreticultural Gold Medal for the Best Garden at the Chelsea Flower Show next week.

Eat your heart out Titmarsh and Monty Dong. A proper gardener is about to be honoured.

If the prize is snatched from me now it is all the proof the tabloids need that the competition is fixed in favour of Hooray Henrys and friends of the Royals, and that the judges are trousering a shedful of wonga.

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I have spent the last few weeks setting up my glorious imaginative garden at the Royal Hospital grounds. The first thing I saw was a group of Chelsea Pensioners wobbling around in full regalia. I thought they were doing a remake of the Sergeant Pepper album.

Despite all the snobbishness, the Chelsea Flower Show is the greatest day for us gardeners, which is why ticket touts are demanding £1,800 a pop. It’s like a cross between a village fete with knobs on and a fashion show for plant lovers.

anita bush rose in my lady gardenProudly erect: The Anita Bush Rose is named after ME!

This truly is my time after all the years of hard graft. They’ve even named a rose after me! The Anita Bush Rose is a titty-pink climber that reeks of gin and cider. It has more than the usual number of pricks. The leaf has fetching black spots, which remind me of an acne-covered toyboy I once met in Felixstowe.

I’m expecting to meet Her Majesty The Queen at the opening ceremony and I just know she will want her gardeners to copy my landscape with its fetching car tyre atop a plastic compost bin. My sponsor is Suffolk County Council Refuse Collection Department.

anita bush chelsea flower showMy stunning garden design is set for Gold at the Chelsea Flower Show

For some reason the organisers have hinted that I might want to visit the day after the Queen, or not turn up at all as they didn’t want me to get too tired and emotional. How thoughtful of them!

Sadly, they weren’t impressed by my suggestion of taking my pink wheelbarrow full of prosecco so I could enjoy a good old drink with Her Maj.

I think their aloofness is based on jealousy, especially when they saw my avant-garde water feature: a wrinkly old hose dangling softly as it trickled into my butt. Just look how marvelous it is…

anita bush water buttGolden shower: my special water feature will help me win Gold at Chelsea

I’m not sure where the caravan in my prize-winning landscape came from, but apparently there are ten more of them, complete with tarmac laying kit, heading this way down the A14.

If you’ve never been to the Chelsea Flower Show, here are my tips. Simply book a hen party with an Ipswich coach company (they’re completely au fait with high-pressure hose clean-ups) and each take a rucksack of Adnams, Aspall’s or Champagne, depending on your budget, and plenty of Walker’s Cheese and Onion crisps – plus perhaps a shrimp paste sandwich and a Penguin for the journey. By the time you get off the coach you will be pished enough to fayshe the crowdzhe queueing at the turnshtiles and get through shecurity. Cheers, Squire!

There is a certain look you need to follow. Men wear Arthur Daley pale shoes, a pink shirt and a navy jumper wrapped round their shoulders like a scarf with arms.

Women wear floral skirts and sensible shoes and many of them carry baskets. BASKETS! Anyone would think they are going shopping with Miss Marple. And if I had a pound for every straw hat, I would have enough money to buy a jug of Chelsea Pimm’s with a borage flower floating on the top like a poo that won’t flush.

They are all PASHionate about delphiniums or alliums and can’t stand common-or-garden Busy Lizzies or marigolds growing down a path.

Gnomes are banned at Chelsea as are real-live beehives, in case someone gets stung on their posh lardy-da arse.

Pretensius Twattius

Some of these people actually sound like they are speaking in italic Latin plant names, like Pretensius Twattius. And they delight in barging in on us commoners as we head back for the coach, laden with souvenir mugs and Busy Lizzies. I have been to the show by train on the final day when they sell everything off as cheap as pommes frites. But I got some rude looks on The Tube with my Wisteria, plum tree, tray of lobelia and a couple of big erect peonies in my hand.

If you are lucky at Chelsea, you might see a really rare specimen…like a person under 50.

The best thing I ever saw there was a REVOLVING summer house, which would make you feel like a star at the London Palladium. You could turn it to face the sun, or get in the shade…or whizz it round to aim your empties towards the wheelie bin or a passing vagrant.

The show is full of marquees (which I call tents just to annoy them) and the fragrance inside is magnificent, especially the sweet peas (urinus reliefium). They were nearly as potent as the chemical Aldehyde C-11 (undecylic) which you get in “natural” perfume!

Talking of sweet peas, I once had to queue for half an hour at the show’s ladies toilet. Eventually out came Camilla, wafting her straw hat. She said: “One had better give it five minutes..”

My gold-medal garden has raised many eyebrows and is more talked of in horticultural circles than the 1959 exhibit by The Times, called The Garden of Tomorrow and featuring a radio-controlled lawn-mower, or James May’s 2009 one made entirely of Plasticine. Cock!

My Lady Garden can only be beaten by the arty Authentic Urban Garden With Piss-Stained Mattress and Broken Fridge On Gravel, sponsored by Frosty Jack’s Cider (£2.99 for three litres from all good grocery departments).

My only downfall at the Chelsea Flower Show this year was when the wind blew my floral skirt up. Apparently the judges weren’t impressed with my dried arrangement.

This week’s jobs

* Plant some marigolds along the path.

* Pinch out the tops of your fuchsia to encourage it to grow bushier.

* Stake your lupins and delphiniums.

* Buy a straw hat.

Answers to your problems

* Mr A M from Lowestoft: I’m sorry to hear about your drooping Monkshood. You may need to tie it to a stick while it regains its strength.

* Kerry Ann: I will deal with your topiary and small trunks in a feature soon, and would just urge you to make sure you keep on top of your privets, and send a photo for my male readers.

* Vivian H: I confess I am no expert at Brazilian gardens but I do believe that you need to run your mower along each side of the lawn, leaving a nice landing strip down the middle.

Have a lovely week!

anita-bush-signature
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Graduating students banned from firing guns in the air

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Graduating students banned from firing guns in the air

EXCLUSIVE
By Suffolk Gazette Staff

A Suffolk university has banned students from firing guns into the air to celebrate their graduation – because of health and safety fears.

It has been a tradition for many years for high-achieving students to enjoy themselves by shooting hundreds of rounds into he air outside Ipswich Town Hall.

However, in an article in the UCS student newspaper GetAJob, the university insisted the number of fatalities caused by little old ladies out shopping being hit by falling bullets had reached unacceptable levels in recent years.

The students were furious. One, law student Emily Smith, told the Suffolk Gazette: “This is Health and Safety gone mad. The annual bullet-dodging is nothing worse than the weekly ritual of dodging skinny lattes as they’re lobbed across safe spaces during weekly lectures on Entanglement, Post-colonial Capitalist Accumulation and Generalised Domestication.”

university student gunFiring blanks: Emily Smith is furious about the weapons ban

Now the official photographer at the Ipswich graduation ceremony next month, Pelican Photography, has confirmed: “We will be asking everyone to mime firing their weapons in the air; we shall then Photoshop the resulting havoc among the public in Ipswich town centre before printing and charging £80 for the resulting pictures.

“As well as being safer, this staged photo shoot will have the added advantage that even more of the students’ tattoos, piercings and vibrant hair colours will be seen in their photograph.”

The news comes on the day the University of East Anglia in Norfolk banned its students from throwing their graduation mortarboards in the air for health and safety reasons.

EastEnder Peggy’s ashes head for Suffolk resort

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EastEnder Peggy’s ashes head for Suffolk resort

EastEnd pub landlady Peggy Mitchell is to have her ashes scattered at the Suffolk holiday resort where she spent happy childhood holidays.

Her last wish that was her sons Phil and Grant and daughter Sam would take her remains to Pontins at Pakefield on the lawn where her late father Jack Martin won the Knobbly Knees Contest in 1968, and where Peggy herself was voted Miss Pontin in their 1969 beauty contest.

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The famous blonde landlady, star of the Carry On film series, even met her future husband Frank Butcher on the dance floor where they came second in a Twist tournament.

Peggy died last night from breast cancer.

Her son Grant told the Suffolk Gazette: “Mum knew she was reaching the end of her life and said at a family meeting in The Vic that she wanted her ashes scattered at Pontins, which was the focus of her childhood and her teens.

“She was also friends with the Kray Twins, who spent many of their holidays on the shooting range at Pontins and later bought property in the county.

“Mum confided that she lost her virginity to Frank, the love of her turbulent life, in a chalet while her parents were on the crazy golf course.

“Despite the stardom, she remained a working class heroine until the end and wanted her ashes to go back to the place where she spent so many lovely summer holidays.”

peggy mitchell grant philPeggy, pictured with lovable sons Grant and Phil, adored her trips to Pontins in Lowestoft

The scattering of Peggy’s ashes will be at a ceremony featuring EastEnders stars and TV celebrities Dale Winton and Christopher Biggins. Comedian Jimmy Tarbuck will pay tribute to the much-loved landlady.

Prince Charles, who met Peggy many times, was invited to attend the Pontins farewell but his schedule is too busy with The Queen’s 90th birthday celebrations.

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Emergency crews suffer smoke inhalation at cannabis factory blaze

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Emergency crews suffer smoke inhalation at cannabis factory blaze

EXCLUSIVE
By Rob Banks, Crime Editor

Emergency services were treated for chronic smoke inhalation after a blaze at an illegal cannabis factory in Ipswich.

More than 30 firefighters, 22 police officers, seven paramedics and two members of the lifeboat service were all treated for inhaling fumes as more than 3,000 cannabis plants went up in smoke.

One brave police officer was detained in hospital after dashing back into the smouldering building 17 times, just to check no one was trapped inside.

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He told startled medics he was “absolutely starving” and demanded some crisps and chocolate immediately.

A member of staff in the accident and emergency department at Ipswich Hospital said: “The poor man had the munchies and was talking complete gibberish very fast. And he kept laughing at everything.”

Fire crews were first called to a house on Woodbridge Road at 7.30pm yesterday when neighbours reported a blaze in the attic of a house.

Firefighters established the building was being used as a cannabis factory, and despite the drama, were extremely relaxed having discarded their breathing apparatus while they brought the flames under control.

cannabis factoryDopes: unusually high number of emergency crews suffered smoke inhalation

A police spokesman said: “We were called to a blaze in a house in Ipswich at 7.30pm. The building was being used as a cannabis factory. Several officers suffered from the effects of smoke inhalation, and one officer was detained in hospital.

“With no regard for his personal safety, he had gone into the building 17 times.”

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The spokesman added that the blaze was quite dramatic, and emergency services had pulled together. “It was great teamwork. Even the lifeboat service turned up to help out – despite the house being 11 miles from the coast.”

Three people were arrested on suspicion of growing cannabis with the intention of supplying.

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Norwich name Alan Partridge as new chief executive

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Norwich name Alan Partridge as new chief executive

EXCLUSIVE
By Manik Bin Mann, Football Correspondent

Norwich City have unveiled their new chief executive following the shock resignation of David McNally.

Mr Alan Partridge will take over at Carrow Road with immediate effect, tasked with guiding the club back to the Premiership as soon as possible.

He is well known to Norwich fans, having been a popular radio and television broadcaster in Norfolk for many years.

Canaries owner Delia Smith wasted no time in replacing Mr McNally, who quit in farcical circumstances following Norwich’s calamitous plunge back into the Championship.

A club spokesman said: “Delia wanted someone with a brilliant business mind, great communication skills and innovative ideas.

“Mr Partridge ticks all the boxes and will work very well alongside our chairman Ed Balls. We think this dream partnership will get us back to the Premiership, no problem at all.”

alan partridge norwichWelcome on board: Alan Partridge will try to keep Norwich afloat

Mr Partridge, 55, was excited by his new challenge and denied rumours he knew nothing about football whatsoever. He told the Suffolk Gazette: “Aha! You won’t catch me out that easily. I know Norwich has a proud history of winning big domestic and European trophies and the top division in the country.”

Supporters were less enthusiastic about the news. Bubba Spuckler, who is a season ticket holder with his sister and their seven children, said: “I preferred him when he was on the radio.”

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