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Suffolk pub found to have no artisan gin menu

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Artisan gin menu

A customer has found the only pub in Suffolk that does not have a pretentious artisan gin menu, it has emerged.

Allison Hughes, 27, stumbled across the Horse and Hound in Woodbridge and was delighted to see only normal gin behind the bar.

“Suffolk’s publicans seem to think we all want fancy artisan gin with twatty names and bizarre ingredients dreamt up by hipsters who wear no socks and grow silly moustaches.

“If I want a gin and tonic I am happy to buy one of the well-known brands behind the bar, mainly because I am desperate for a drink and all gins taste the same anyway.

“I do not want to spend 30 minutes staring at a grandiose gin menu with 40 choices, fretting over whether to have Poetic Whimsy with locally-foraged botanicals, or Parson’s Nostril with sweet pepper and wild horseradish.”

The landlord of the Horse and Hound said: “We had one of those hipster types in here the other day wearing a silly waistcoat – it was the middle of June, for goodness sake.

“Anyway, he asked for my artisan gin menu and I told him we only serve Gordon’s but that I could put a pork pie in it to make it more interesting.

“He was very upset and flounced out.”

Love Island ratings to soar as sexy Norfolk brothers join show

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Norfolk brothers Billy Bob and Bubba Spuckler

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

Love Island producers are introducing two Norfolk brothers to the hit reality TV show in a brazen bid to increase the steamy encounters.

Viewers of the racy ITV2 series are in for a treat as Bubba and Billy Bob Spuckler, from Downham Market, join contestants in the hideaway Mallorca villa.

The strapping Spucklers, who are famous in Norfolk for their good looks and razor-sharp wit, will cause a sensation when they enter the villa.

Show insiders say they expect fireworks when the beautiful girls fight to ditch their current dishy partners and race each other to ‘bag a Spuckler’.

“The show already has plenty of love action under the sheets – and sometimes on top of them. But the Spucklers will send pulses sky high,” a show producer said.

“Expect plenty of sex, fun, and even tears.”

The Love Island show constantly films the attractive, body-beautiful contestants via video. They are encouraged to pair up and get romantically involved, with the surviving pair getting a £50,000 prize,

Such a large cash incentive has provoked some lusty action in the villa, with contestants romping all over the place – sending ratings through the roof.

Love Island ratings

But critics say Love Island ratings is all the producers care about, and they simply appeal to the lowest form of intelligence.

The Rev Evan Elpuss, from St Warren Parish Church in Little Brimmer, Suffolk, said: “This should not be on mainstream television as it sends totally the wrong message to young people that sex before marriage, and perhaps without love, is fine.

“Well it’s not, and now having these Norfolk Spuckler boys join up, things can only get worse.”

Bubba, 26, and Billy Bob, 24, have featured in the Suffolk Gazette before, when they were exposed for posing as wealthy, handsome businessmen on local dating sites.

Bubba lives with his sister and their eight children in Downham Market. But because they do not have a television at home, he hopes to “get away with some rutting”.

Before going into the villa, he said: “I’m gonna get me some fresh woman.”

Tractor drivers use Orwell Bridge just to annoy you

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The Orwell Bridge

Tractor drivers have confirmed they use the Orwell Bridge for the sheer fun of annoying other motorists.

They pootle along the dual carriageway slowly and then crack up laughing when they look at the traffic backing up behind them.

“It’s hilarious. You should see the faces pressed up against windscreens, contorted with rage,” smirked Waldringfield farmer Chris Salame.

He says tractor drivers have absolutely no genuine reason to use the 1.3-mile river crossing near Ipswich, which has a new 60mph limit for normal traffic.

“But we like to do around 40mph,” said Chris. “That way we cause maximum chaos, and it’s hilarious.”

Orwell Bridge

He said some tractor drivers would go across the bridge for fun, then turn around at the first junction at Nacton and come back again the other way.

“One guy had a few hours to kill between loads, so he went back and forth across the Orwell Bridge 18 times in a row,” laughed Chris. “He posted about it on the tractor forums and everyone thought it was very funny.”

Police say there is nothing stopping tractor drivers from using the crossing. “We would urge other motorists to simply be patient while they are stuck behind a tractor.”

Congestion along the whole of the A14 in Suffolk will, however, be eased once the new canal is built linking Felixstowe Port with the Midlands.

Porkrun craze keeps UK pigs fit

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Porkrun
When farmer Clare Phillips decided her pigs needed to be fitter, she hit upon a weekly exercise routine that has now taken off throughout Britain and even abroad.

Clare now manages a network of hundreds of five-kilometre piggy jogs every Saturday morning, called Porkrun.

Every pig’s time over the 5k park courses are recorded and published to a website so its progress can be monitored.

“It’s a great way to get them out in the open air and enjoying some healthy exercise once a week. I had no idea Porkrun would become popular so quickly – now it seems every town and city is staging their own Porkruns.

“They are free to take part in – just turn up with your piggies, register them at the start line, and watch them go.

“They seem to really enjoy it, and they are getting fitter by the week.”

Pork life

Clare keeps about 500 pigs at her farm near Mildenhall, and has seen them make superior prices at market thanks to their improved condition.

“There’s a lot more meat on them,” she said. “And, of course, they are much happier during their lives thanks to the Porkrun.”

Porkrun is open to all ages, from piglet to veteran sow.

But while it is proving popular with the pigs, Porkruns are concerning local councils because so many animals are running around parks at the same time on a Saturday morning.

An insider at Ipswich Borough Council’s parks department said: “We have considered charging runners taking part in the Porkrun, but this was met with snorts of protest.”

Ipswich vets are keeping an eye on the animals’ welfare.

Yummy mummies want more Woodbridge coffee shops

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Yummy mummies in Woodbridge

Yummy mummies in Woodbridge have agreed that the town really needs some more independent coffee shops.

The delightfully turned out ladies like nothing more than to pass the time of day sipping Austrian goat milk double-half-caf-half-decaf-soy milk cappuccino – extra hot – with a dash of Madagascar cinnamon-and half tablespoon of caramel-latte-frappa-mochas.

And between discussions about important matters of the day, like the new Range Rover colour scheme or the cost of private school fees, they note Woodbridge only has 47 coffee shops to choose from and they really would like some more.

Charlotte de Brunne, 37, who takes her little princess Aurielle, two, to a number of Woodbridge coffee shops every day, said: “Who needs to buy clothes in a town like Woodbridge? We always go to London for our outfits. Much better to use the retail space for more coffee shops.”

Businessman Mikey Smith hopes to open a coffee shop in Woodbridge soon.

He said: “I’ll admit there are quite a lot of coffee shops in Woodbridge already, but the demand from the town’s yummy mummies is huge. They have more money than sense and will pay astronomical sums for shit coffee and dry cake.

“Soon the town’s elderly people will have nowhere left to shop for their essentials – unless they like buying coffee.”

He said admitted it might be easier to drink coffee at home, especially if their kids bought them Mother’s Day mugs.

Brexit shock: EU demands Britain takes Belgium, gives up Suffolk

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Boring Belgium countryside
Brexit negotiations took an unexpected turn today when the EU demanded that Britain hands over Suffolk to Europe in a swap deal for Belgium.

But Theresa May and her Brexit team insist the last thing Britain wants is Belgium (pictured above)– and they certainly have no intention of handing over Suffolk, its jewel on the east coast.

EU diplomats know just how shit Belgium is because Brussels is where the European Parliament is based.

In a clever tactic, they reasoned they could get shot of the flat, featureless country because the UK Government is desperate to leave the EU on the cheap.

EU president Jean-Claude Juncker said: “I come from Luxembourg and it’s annoying having Belgium next door. It’s bad enough being sandwiched between Germany and France.

“Belgium should go to Britain and we’ll have Suffolk and its fine Adnams beer instead.”

David Davis, who is leading Britain’s Brexit discussions, refused to even think about the Belgium offer.

“It’s a non starter. The country is good for chocolate but only famous for inventing the Tintin comic character. Belgium is now more tinpot than Tintin.”

The Belgium-Suffolk swap deal impasse may now hold up the entire Brexit process, sending worldwide markets into a downward spiral from which they may never recover.

Belgium is so boring that even its own population is unimpressed.

Jeremy Clarkson once did a documentary on the country, and wandered the streets asking the locals whether they were glad to be born Belgian.

Belgium

He was surprised when after interviewing many people, he found just one guy who was happy being Belgian. Even a man dressed as a penguin for no apparent reason said he preferred his status as a penguin to that of being Belgian.

Residents of Suffolk, on the other hand, adore their county, and have only one complaint – that it is next door to Norfolk.

Resident Alan Tasker said: “We do not want to be moved to the EU. We’d much rather stay where we are as East Anglia’s leading county.”

With smartphones comes photographic nostalgia

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Woman taking photo

The revival of the print image has reared its head in the last couple of years, with Polaroid cameras gaining popularity and photo booths popping up. There has also been a surge in popularity of online photo printing, but with many sites out there offering the service, it can be difficult to know where to start! We would advise checking out a review such as this Shutterfly one before you commit, to make sure you know exactly what you are getting before you press print!

From the dawn of time people have been as fixated with capturing beauty as they have been with beauty itself, which explains the evolution from portraits to the development of newer and more precise photographing technology up for review. Photography first came to be as a means to recreate the world through imagery in the 5th Century BC, with the Chinese describing what is known as a “pinhole camera,” whereby an upside-down image was reflected from a pinhole in an opposite-facing wall. However, photographic technology only began to make strides once Iraqi scientist, Alhazen developed what is called the camera obscura six centuries later. This device projected images onto other surfaces, also upside down, allowing for artists to trace the image and create accurate drawings.

Man takes photograph

Fast-forward to the late 1830s, and modern-day photography was born when Joseph Nicéphore Niépce used a portable camera obscura to expose a pewter plate coated with bitumen to light. The result was a recorded, unfading image – the first ever of its kind. Within the next 200 years, the camera was transformed from a contraption that produced blurry photos to the high-tech mini computers that yield ultra-realistic representations of reality. Photography was held up to high professional esteem until George Eastman facilitated the photo-taking process by creating a flexible roll film. This new, affordable method of photography, together with its innovative mechanical design, allowed the possession of a personal camera to be more widespread.

Over a hundred years later, the first digital camera was built by Steven Sasson, an engineer at Eastman Kodak, using a charge-coupled device image sensor. Then, with the turn of the millennium came another milestone in photography – the camera phone. As the phone-camera combination hit the market in Japan and later the US in the early 2000s, some were skeptical of its possible success, with suggests emerging that the product would be a flop. Yet, nearly two decades later and the idea of a phone without a camera is daunting for most. Consumers are drawn to the idea of having one compact, multi-use device, especially once which offers faster connection with the internet – key in the generation of social media.

Yet, interestingly, as instant snaps increase in popularity, print photos are also making a comeback. The countermovement finds ground in the joy of holding a physical memoire in hand, with a photo being produced within seconds of snapping the shot. Another thing is the rarity of print photos nowadays makes them a point of interest.

Theresa May to address Latitude festival audience

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Theresa May speaks at Latitude

Not to be outdone by Jeremy Corbyn’s successful appearance at Glastonbury, Theresa May is to address crowds at the achingly middle-class Latitude festival in Suffolk.

The Prime Minister will be assured of a warm reception at the event for posh festival-goers, which is close to the exclusive well-heeled resorts of Southwold and Aldeburgh.

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Mr Corbyn was given a hero’s welcome when he appeared on the famous Pyramid stage at Glastonbury – whereas Mrs May would have been booed off by the young, Labour-supporting crowd.

She’ll have no such problems at Henham Park where she will take the main stage on Saturday, July 15 to introduce Mumford and Sons.

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Cassius Clail, a spokesman at Downing Street said: “Theresa was a little miffed when Corbyn was given the red carpet treatment at Glastonbury. Even Shadow Chancellor John McDonnell is speaking there later.

“But she will be among thousands of Tory voters when she goes to Latitude, a music festival where ‘glamping’ involves five star stays without a Labour supporter in sight. It’s true blue territory.”

Mrs May is expected to regale her adoring audience with hilarious tales of running through wheat fields, just like those found throughout Suffolk.

With only a month to go, the 12th edition of Latitude Festival sets the bar high with a host of names across the stages including the BBC Music Introducing Stage, The SpeakEasy, Music and Film, Solas and more. Latitude Festival takes place on 13th – 16th July in the stunning grounds of Henham Park.

An estimated 40,000 Conservative voters will witness Brit Award winners The 1975 perform tracks from I Like It When You Sleep, for You Are So Beautiful yet So Unaware of It for the last time, as well as a Fleet Foxes returning after five years. Also playing is Saturday night headliners Mumford & Sons who bring with them their Gentlemen Of The Road takeover.

They’re joined by a line up brimming with huge names and exclusives across all stages, combined over 40 Top Ten albums, from the legendary Placebo to returning indie rockers The Horrors; from Scandi indie-pop darlings The Radio Dept. to the former Velvet Underground’s John Cale; from the iconic Mavis Staples to the all-out party that will be Fatboy Slim on the BBC Music Stage.

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