Norwich City have revealed they modeled their ugly new kit on Greater Anglia trains’ sickening seat covers.
Brand experts say the idea is clever because Greater Anglia and Norwich share the spotlight as being the two most despised and ridiculed outfits to travel out of Norfolk.
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The new Norwich third kit features hideous splashes of green and yellow, seemingly splattered indiscriminately all over the place by a two-year-old with a paint brush.
Disgusting: more turd kit than third kit
But there is method to the madness, with the club linking up cleverly with Greater Anglia, which runs trains from Norwich into London (sometimes).
Luxury: a Greater Anglia carriage with Norwich City-style seat covers
Football strips from the 1990s that featured ugly splashes have been ridiculed ever since, but Norwich chairman Ed Balls believes he’s on to a winner. However, a sport retail expert said: “We believe that even Norwich fans are not stupid enough to buy this.”
Suffolk potato magnate Maurice Piper has diversified into a profitable new sideline – cooling off cheapskate holidaymakers with his giant irrigation system.
Mr Piper, whose family have farmed potatoes at Bungay since King Edward was on the throne, charges visitors £1 a go to be drenched in a field during the heatwave.
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Hundreds of visitors, mindful of austerity and the need to be prudent, have shunned expensive traditional water parks to stand in a Suffolk potato field instead.
They park up in the farmyard, strip off to their underwear and then walk into the middle of a field so Mr Piper can turn on the irrigation to give them a thorough soaking.
Splash the cash: Suffolk farmer creates profitable sideline
Happy customer Bubba Spuckler, who was visiting Suffolk from his small holding in Downham Market, Norfolk, with his sister and their eight children, claimed it was a magical experience.
He said: “It was awesome. I paid only a pound to get absolutely soaked. It cooled me down beautifully and the kids loved it. Why would anyone pay a fortune to visit a water park?”
Mr Piper, 62, says he plans to franchise his idea to farms around Britain. “Us farmers need to squeeze every last drop of profit that we can. These are difficult times.”
However, the Suffolk Gazette understands health and safety officials are set to visit Mr Piper’s farm to assess if his scheme is legal. “We have concerns over visitors splashing about and having fun while surrounded by heavy moving equipment,” a spokesman said.
A Suffolk pub with its own microbrewery is furious after supermarket bosses pulled its latest product (cock inn cider) from the shelves – for being too rude.
EXCLUSIVE
By Colin Allcabs, Consumer Editor
The Cock Inn, a 17th century hostelry in Little Brimmer, near Stowmarket, unveiled its Cock Inn after months of meticulous testing and tasting.
But within days of hitting Tesco and Waitrose stores throughout East Anglia, the fruity Cock Inn was withdrawn, leaving customers gasping in the hot weather.
A retail insider explained: “The microbrewery produces Stout Cock Inn, Cock Inn Blonde and even Cock Inn Brown ale, all of which have been sold with no problems.
“However, Cock Inn was deemed too much of a double entendre, so supermarket bosses pulled it off the shelves and have demanded a re-brand.”
Brewing up a storm: Cock Inn Cider
Owner John Thomas fumed: “It’s all a great shame. One of our rivals in Norfolk produces Whippet Inn Cider, so Cock Inn is no worse really. If they want real double entendres, I’ll give them one.”
Mr Thomas said his team would now have to spend thousands renaming the brew and changing the labeling and packaging.
“As it’s an apple cider, we’ll be calling it Cock Inn Granny Smith. No one can argue against that.”
Ipswich Town silenced moaning fans by unveiling their record signing yesterday.
Supporters have been dejected by an apparent lack of transfer activity, believing it will lead to another season of mediocrity.
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But the club surprised everyone by revealing Darren Horlock to the press, making him a record fourth new member of the match-day bar staff.
Horlock, 19, was a free agent but impressed Portman Road bosses with his pace and ability to retrieve a pie from the hot plate while still opening and pouring a plastic bottle of beer.
“We think we have unearthed a diamond,” said hospitality manager Clarissa Dickson. “The fans will love him.”
Darren Horlock: silky-skilled new Ipswich signing
Meanwhile, Ipswich manager Mick McCarthy, who watched his side run riot in a 1-0 mauling of bottom-league newcomers Colchester United last night, revealed he had spent a whole hour this week talking to reclusive owner Marcus Evans about possible new signings.
As other Championship clubs, including arch-rivals Norwich City, spend millions bolstering their squads in readiness for a promotion challenge to the Premier League, Ipswich have signed nobody, aside from Adam Webster, who was part of a swap deal.
McCarthy told Ipswich news website TWTD: “Potentially there are a few loans, a few permanents, but we will see. We are in discussions with different people.
“There are some real big spenders in our league this year who are doing all the deals and there are a few of us beneath that who are trying to manufacture deals or maybe swaps or free transfers, if someone wants to get someone off the wage bill.”
That uninspiring news was soon eclipsed by the exciting deal with Horlock, who will meet up with his new team mates at the season opener at home to Barnsley on August 6.
He said: “I’m looking forward to it. Ipswich is a big club with great fans, and I hope I can repay the faith they have shown in me by serving them as quickly as possible at half-time.”
A Suffolk mum says it’s so hot today that she accidentally fried an egg on her car.
Sascha Smith, 32, had just got home from shopping when she tried to put a carton of eggs on her car roof so she could close the boot.
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But the carton slipped out of her hand causing one of the free-range eggs to smash over the hot metal of her black Mini.
“It started frying before my eyes,” mum-of-two Sasha said. “I couldn’t believe it. I know it’s really hot today but that was ridiculous. I had to run inside the house and bring out my spatula. By the time I got back it was cooked to perfection.”
It’s no yolk: Sascha sent us this pic of her fried egg before eating it
Sasha said she scooped up the tasty treat, sunny side up, and added some pepper and chives. “It was a shame to waste it. It was cracking,” she said.
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Temperatures in Suffolk soared to a whopping 28 degrees centigrade today, and the heatwave is expected to last well into next week.
When it comes to winding up Norwich fans, the Suffolk Gazette takes its work very seriously. So, when we recently put some juicy bait on the line using a cheeky Twitter trick, the poor soles in Norfolk bit and were left wriggling on the hook. In fact, we reeled in a whole load of them.
The plan was simple. Using a clever piece of software, we made sure that every time a Norwich fan Tweeted using the hashtag #NCFC they were automatically added to various Suffolk Gazette lists including I’m Really an ITFC Fan. They then got an automated message informing them of this joyous news. And they were very cross.
Many clearly had no idea how Twitter lists work and seemed to think we needed their permission to add them to anything. Others thought we had somehow hacked into their account. One even wanted to call in the lawyers.
Dear @SuffolkGazette, you appear to have added me to your list #itfcfans -please remove my name ASAP or legal action may follow. Thank you.
Are your onions protruding? Don’t be alarmed. So are my husband’s. They are supposed to at this time of the year. At first I didn’t know whether they were getting too big for their space, or whether they needed to be covered up. Indeed, I thought the Old Bill might turn up.
You don’t need to earth them up, as you do your potatoes. Just leave your onions to enjoy feeling the sun or the pitter-patter of gentle rain as they swell.
As you can see from my photo of Bonkers Boris, the village idiot, you will find that many things In the lady garden are there for the taking at the moment. Notice his firm carrot and plump potatoes. They can all be harvested now or in the next few weeks, along with the broad beans, peas and salad veg. You can still plant an extra row of peas and enjoy another summer crop. Your beetroot may also be ready for pulling out to enjoy with a tin of Spam and a dollop of Heinz salad cream.
Bonkers Boris can usually be found sitting on the wall near the old asylum with his mussed-up hair, grunting as the girls go by and yelling “wiff waff, wiff waff” at our foreign fruit pickers. And look what the soppy old thing did when I asked him once to help clear out the stream at the bottom of my Lady Garden. He waded right into the middle, and you can see here what happened next…
Sometimes Bonkers Boris can been seen on his rusty old bike on the way to the allotments where he works as a scarecrow. But for all his stupidity, he knows quite a bit about My Lady Garden and likes to lend a hand.
He quotes many old bits of wisdom from his uncle, Mr Trump, who brought him up in a cupboard under the stairs, like: “Red sky at night? Putin’s in sight.”
Or: “Don’t cast a clout till Mrs May is out.”
And: “A bird in the hand can be shagged in the bush.”
Sometimes, he shouts in what he thinks is Latin: “Bleugh! Plop! Inky Pinky Ponky Ner Ner Ner. Foreign Secs for Everyone, HAHAHA!”
They are almost as wise as my favourite old sayings: “A hard man is good to find.” Or:”A bad workman always blames his tool.” And: “All that glitters is not Gary.”
Another famous phrase, of course, is: “The other man’s grass is always greener.”
This applied to me and my next door neighbour. The last time I threw a gin bottle over the hedge I had a peep at his lawn. It was perfectly cropped and perfectly green, like the famous cricket pitch at Wembley.
Howzat! The famous Wembley cricket ground with lovely turf
Then I realised it was AstroTurf! I looked up the price and it was more expensive than my shagpile!
Many dog owners lay fake lawn to stop widdle stains. My husband is thinking of getting the same for me… and we don’t even have a pet.
Laying the artificial grass is a right palaver but you can always get a man in. The advice is to remove the sod. But I think you should make him a cup of tea and a sausage sandwich.
Once my neighbour had gone to all that expense and was expecting to spend the summer on his lilo with a barrel of Adnams, his father-in-law went round while he was out and mowed the AstroTurf. Oh, how I laughed!
Of course, if you do get fake grass you can take your lawn mower to the car boot and swap in for a Tesco bag of eighties Videos, or a kettle with no lid, a plastic baby potty with matching changing mat, or a bin bag of mismatched shoes and wellies.
One man wrote to me last week and was worried that his cucumber was wilting. It just needs more and regular water. But we will soon be out of Europe so there is no pressure on you to have a rigid straight specimen. Let it bend a little in the middle. We are free Britishers not law-bound to grow straight bananas or cucumbers. Why not send us all a photo. We won’t laugh, will we readers?
Jobs to do this week
* Prune the side shoots from your wandering Wisteria but leave the main branches to train up the wall or over your pergola.
* Use your hoe or a shovel to gather up soil (earthing up) over your spuds as if they turn green they will be poisonous. Do the same if they are in pots. They need to be kept in the dark, much like your old man with your credit card bills.
* Buy a kids’ paddling pool to stick your feet in while you knock back some Aspall’s Cyder with a bucket of KFC.
Now for the answers to your problems
* Theresa M from Thornham Magna: Well what a lot of jobs you have to do under pressure. Did you take my advice and put all the names of the people you don’t like in a hat, shake it about and pull the names out just give them any old job? If you employ so many on your estate, they’ll just have to learn on the job. What’s the worst that can happen?
* Mrs S Cameron: No, you cannot steal all the shrubs and garden furniture from the house they kicked you out of, nor can you roll up the lawn and crane out the mature trees. Ask your billionaire family to get you some brand new things from B & Q and Argos. They do a very pleasant nylon marquee.
* Mr Gove: Well I really don’t know why you’re asking ME what gardening job prospects there are for a short labourer. You could try picking fruit from low-lying bushes like gooseberries. Remember you don’t like EXPERTS and I am the expert supreme. So please don’t bother me again.
Smartphone sensation Pokemon Go has been banned from Norwich after gamers started throwing balls at locals who look like weird freaks.
The game, which has taken the world by storm, allows players to track down and catch monsters and strange-looking creatures in the “real world” using their smartphone camera.
But police in Norfolk have received many complaints of locals being attacked because they look just like Pokemon characters with extra limbs, strange shapes and fantastical habits.
Now Nintendo, the company whose shares have rocketed 50% since the game launched and instantly topped the download charts, has had to block participation in Norwich using in-built “geo-block” technology.
A spokesman said: “Following advice from Norfolk Police, we have withdrawn the game from Norwich because local people look so much like Pokemon characters including Charizard and Squirtly. The little duck has also caused issues in Norfolk because of its webbed feet.”
Bubba Spuckler repeatedly ‘caught’ by Pokemon Go players (Photo: Getty Images Europe)
Norwich man Bubba Spuckler complained to police that he had been assaulted 15 times in Norwich city centre in the last week alone. He told the Suffolk Gazette: “People on their phones are playing this Pokemon Go game and spotting me on the street. Assuming I am some sort of weird, deformed creature, they throw balls at me and try to catch me. It’s very upsetting.”
And another Norwich person, who asked not to be named, has also been captured 14 times while going out shopping to the local supermarket.
Pokemon Go banned: woman targeted by gamers
The woman said: “First they would point their phone at me, then say something like, ‘There’s Magmar’, and they throw stuff at me. It’s scary.”
A spokesman for Norfolk Police said: “We can confirm Nintendo has banned Pokemon Go in Norwich after several unfortunate incidents involving innocent locals.”
Disgusting: more turd kit than third kit
Luxury: a Greater Anglia carriage with Norwich City-style seat covers
