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Ipswich to concentrate on relegation after FA Cup humiliation

The Editor
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Ipswich to concentrate on relegation after FA Cup humiliation

Mick McCarthy

Gutless Ipswich Town can now concentrate on relegation after being embarrassingly dumped out of the FA Cup by non-league Lincoln City.

Mick McCarthy’s team were spineless and could not string two passes together all night, allowing an overweight Lincoln bloke with a comb-over to bully and outplay them on the pitch.

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The shocking 1-0 defeat – widely predicted by this newspaper – means Ipswich can now concentrate on getting relegated from the Championship for the first time in their record-breaking 15-year stay.

Last weekend’s shock win against Blackburn put an unlikely ten points between Ipswich and the drop zone – but now the distraction of the Cup is over, that gap will soon close.

A member of McCarthy’s backroom staff said: “Mick hates the Cup – it gets in the way of insipid League performances inspired by the manager being unable to motivate the team. Now we can concentrate properly on our relegation battle.”

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Fans are furious. One said: “We played 5-3-2 against a non-league team, and two of the midfielders were defensive, meaning 7 of our 10 outfield players would not recognise an attacking move if it slapped them in the face.

“We have now lost in the 3rd round every year since 2010 – so at least we’re showing some consistency.”

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Holby and Silent Witness fans delighted about Ipswich match

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Holby and Silent Witness fans delighted about Ipswich match

Silent Witness scrapped for Lincoln Ipswich FA Cup match

Fans of Holby City and Silent Witness have been saying how happy they are that their favourite programmes have been scrapped so the BBC can screen live FA Cup action of Lincoln City against Ipswich Town.

The titanic football match means the Beeb has cleared its normal Tuesday night schedule, and everyone is delighted.

In fact, many took to social media to reflect their excitement at watching 90 minutes of Mick McCarthy’s Tractor Boys fight gallantly to avoid a cup banana skin at non-league Lincoln.

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Kate said she was “foaming” at missing Silent Witness – a condition that might require a pathologist for herself.

Kevan Aitken clearly also thinks no one is too interested in two unfashionable football teams.

Holby City fan Clare added…

It took a Lincoln fan to come up with a ratings solution…

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Meanwhile, ITV is poised to lose a large chunk of its normal audience to the BBC – with Martin Clunes: Islands of Australia expected to be watched by nobody.

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Chinese thought they were paying £30 million a year for Costa coffee chain

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Diego Costa Chinese deal is off

The Chinese have walked away from a deal to sign Chelsea forward Diego Costa because they thought they were investing £30 million a year in a chain of coffee shops.

Middlemen got the wrong end of the stick when bosses at an Asian investment bank told them: “Get us Costa, whatever it costs.”

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They promptly put in a ridiculous £30 million a year offer to the fiery Chelsea Spaniard, who then had a bust-up with club staff when they refused to let him go.

The Stamford Bridge crisis deepened when the fixers called in a team of top barristers after further contact from China to make sure they had hired the best baristas.

Now Costa has been dropped from the Chelsea squad which travels to Leicester in the Premier League today – and the Chinese have not snapped up a sizeable investment in the Costa coffee chain.

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A source close to the club said: “It’s all been a bit of a cock-up. Costa has had a roasting from the management, but it’s not too latte for him to apologise.”

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Ipswich Town players lighten mood with new hairstyles

The Editor
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Ipswich Town players lighten mood with new hairstyles

In an attempt to lighten the mood ahead of Ipswich Town’s televised FA Cup replay at non-league Lincoln City, the Tractor Boys have adopted terrible haircuts of old footballers.

Even manager Mick McCarthy gets in on the act, although you’ll have to scroll all the way to the bottom to see his effort.

After some deliberation, you might conclude they would all be better getting rid of their hair altogether, perhaps using the best head shaver around.

Cole SkuseCole Skuse as Brian Little

Midfielder Cole Skuse has chosen to wear the mop favoured by former Aston Villa star Brian Little in the 1970s (above), while striker David McGoldrick opted for Columbian forward Carlos Valderrama (below).

David McGoldrick as Carlos Valderrama

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Forward Brett Pitman went for the fetching comb-over look favoured by former Manchester United and England star Bobby Charlton in the 1960s.

Brett PitmanBrett Pitman as Bobby Charlton

Skipper Luke Chambers, on-loan winger Tom Lawrence, defender Adam Webster and striker Freddie Sears have all gone for striking wild mullets as made famous by the likes of Chelsea’s Ian Britton, Portsmouth’s Alan Biley, Chris Waddle and even Robbie Savage.

Luke Chambers as Ian Britton

Adam Webster as Alan Biley

Tom Lawrence as Chris Waddle

Feddie Sears as Robbie Savage

Meanwhile, left back Jonas Knudsen sports a pineapple hairstyle made famous by Nottingham Forest’s Jason Lee, about whom the crowds chanted: “He’s got a pineapple on his head”.

Jonas KnudsenJonas Knudsen as Jason Lee

Defender Christophe Berra has gone for a natty mop that was worn inexplicably by former Chelsea player John Dempsey back in the 1970s. It’s quite fetching…

Christophe BerraChristophe Berra as John Dempsey

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Young starlet Andre Dozzell looks fab with his Ronaldo (large Ronaldo from Brazil) shave.

Andre Dozzell as Ronaldo

Goalkeeper Bartosz Bialkowski chose the famous hairstyle sported by keeper Rene Higuita from Colombia, who you’ll recall did the famous scorpion-kick save at Wembley.

Bartosz Bialkowski as Rene Higuita

And finally, even under-fire manager Mick McCarthy has got in on the act, although we’re not sure if this is actually a disguise or not.

Mick McCarthyMick McCarthy as himself

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Bit of snow to paralyse Suffolk

The Editor
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Bit of snow to paralyse Suffolk

Snow in Bury St Edmunds, Suffolk

By Suffolk Gazette Weather Desk

Suffolk will grind to a halt tomorrow as up to three millimetres of snow is expected to blanket the county.

Traffic will come to a standstill, schools across the region will close on Friday, and shops will sell out of milk and bread.

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The entirely unexpected wintry weather has not been seen since as long ago as last winter, leaving many unprepared for the chaos that will sweep in with the blizzards, which could cause snow drifts of up to three centimetres.

A Met Office spokesman said: “As is quite common in January it will turn slightly chilly. In which case, rain might fall as a bit of snow.”

The warning sent shock waves through Suffolk. Mum of three Karen Willis, from Woodbridge said: “This will cause major problems. It must be global warming or something to do with the Russians.”

However, Northern women were not worried about snow.

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Police are advising motorists to leave home earlier than normal to prepare for delays. “We suggest leaving home two days early,” a spokesman said.

(Bury St Edmunds photo by Martin Pettitt, reproduced under Creative Commons License)

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Norfolk’s answer to Ed Sheeran still waiting for success

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Norfolk’s answer to Ed Sheeran still waiting for success

Norfolk’s answer to Ed Sheeran is not quite getting the same success as Suffolk’s ginger superstar, it has emerged.

But Wyll James is to be commended for his effort (see below), which has attracted some favourable comments on YouTube from the few people in Norfolk who can read.

Sheeran’s latest hit, Castle on the Hill, is a self-confessed love song about Suffolk, his home county, and has received 20 million YouTube views in just a couple of days.

Meanwhile, James’ release, Talk Norfolk (Norfolk Style), has mounted an impressive 11,000 views in a year and a half.

Now you can view the smash hit from Norfolk’s finest rock star…

Here at the Suffolk Gazette, we love a trier – even if he is from Norfolk. And in fairness, he did get an impressive 900,000 views three years ago from his Norfolk Gangnam Style song!

Trabant car brand revived by Norfolk businessman

The Editor
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Trabant car brand revived by Norfolk businessman

Trabant

The famous Trabant car marque is being revived with the building of a new state-of-the-art factory in Norfolk.

Experts say the much-anticipated return of the Trabant, pictured above, will drag motoring in East Anglia into the 21st century.

The Trabant was a staple of communist life in the former East Germany, and further afield in the Eastern Bloc.

Famous for its plastic body and lusty 26 horsepower engine, the cars zoomed to 60mph in a pant-wetting 21 seconds. Coincidentally, 60mph was also the top speed (downhill).

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Norfolk businessman Billy Bob Spuckler, who lives in Downham Market with his sister and their eight children, claims reviving the car will put Norfolk at the forefront of global automobile industry, beating the super reliability and build quality of the Japanese and Germans.

He said: “I was on holiday abroad in Clacton and met this bloke in a bar who offered to sell me the Trabant name and manufacturing blueprints for £200. It seemed almost too good to be true – so I bit his hand off, not literally of course. Norfolk people will be the envy of Britain when they start driving these beauties around the lanes.”

The first cars are expected to be pushed off the production line in August, and will cost just £37,000 each, or £49,000 for the super-charged, hi-spec model, which comes with windscreen wipers and a horn.

Mr Spuckler expects to produce 500 cars a year in a variety of colours, so long as they are beige and pale blue.

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Rest of Britain does not care about Tube strike

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Rest of Britain does not care about Tube strike

London tube strike

By Casey Jones, Railways Correspondent

The rest of Britain does not give a toss about Londoners who are “struggling to work” during the one-day Tube strike, it has emerged.

While commuters in the capital whined about having to walk or drive in a traffic jam, everyone else revealed that’s what they have to do every day of the year.

Justin Smith, 34, from Kesgrave, Suffolk, said: “It takes me at least 50 minutes to get to work in Ipswich, which is only a couple of miles away. So hearing a Londoner moaning they had to walk for 45 minutes is ridiculous.

“They don’t know how good they have it on their fast underground railway for the rest of the year, and I am sure their over-inflated London wages must help them get over the shock of walking for one day.”

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IT worker Jim Beem commutes to Chelmsford on the A12 from his home in Ipswich five days a week. “Most days it takes 80 minutes, but often it will be much longer because of the traffic.

“Londoners don’t know how lucky they are – I wish I had an underground line to use for the rest of the year.”

Unfortunately for Jim, the planned new Anglian ‘Beige’ Tube line from London to Ipswich is still stuck in the planning stage.

Londoners today ignored jibes from everyone else. Camillia Farquar-Cobbold, who works in PR for a charity that promotes veganism, said: “I could not get on a bus because it was too crowded. So I had to walk to work, and it took me 45 minutes. It’s a disgrace.”

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