Home Blog Page 342

Revealed: Ed Sheeran’s secret Ipswich song list

The Editor
-
0
Revealed: Ed Sheeran’s secret Ipswich song list

Ed Sheeran Ipswich

The secret songs that Suffolk superstar Ed Sheeran has written about Ipswich can be revealed today for the first time.

We were shown the compositions just days after the singer revealed he had written them and could make a biopic of his life.

Ed, who was raised in nearby Framlingham, played some of his first live gigs in Ipswich pubs when he was an unknown.

Now he has written about the town, and the songs show the rest of the world just what it is missing.

The song list includes:

Pound Shops On Every Corner

Roadworks and Traffic Jams

Drug-Fuelled Crime Rock ‘n Roll

Bored Kids and Disrespect

Teenage Mums And Benefits

The Road To Nowhere (remake of the 1980s Talking Heads hit)

16 Years In The Championship

Beggars Belief (Got Any Spare Change?)

Ed told the Times recently that he had this collection of songs about Ipswich, and that as he was in early discussions about a biopic of his local upbringing.

Now he had the material for a soundtrack.

Residents say the song titles appear to have captured the nature of the town perfectly.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “We all think Ipswich is a sh*thole and it seems Ed Sheeran agrees.

“Me and my mates can’t wait for him to publish these songs – it could be the best thing to happen to Ipswich for years.”

A pal of Ed’s confirmed: “He has been writing songs about Ipswich for a long time.

“He lived in luxury in the posh market town of Framlingham 15 miles away – and life in Ipswich is so different in every way.

“It fascinated Ed when he was younger and provided this creative spark.”

Fans are now eagerly awaiting news of a possible biopic, which Sheeran said would be a like “8 Mile meets Notting Hill”.

Kids furious as mums redecorate the Christmas tree

The Editor
-
0
Kids furious as mums redecorate the Christmas tree

Christmas tree decoration

Children across Britain are fuming after their mothers allowed them to decorate the Christmas tree – only to redo it once they had gone to bed.

Every year kids say they fall for the con trick that it is they who get to decorate the tree.

[AdSense-A]

They’re told it’s a key part of preparing for the excitement of Christmas, after all.

But each year their mothers then take everything off the tree again and redecorate it how they like it.

Mum Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “When my kids decorate the tree it looks ridiculous.

“Baubles are placed randomly together on one side, the lights are all around the back, and those little hanging elves and reindeer are spaced around in a terrible fashion.

“One year they put so much tinsel all over the place that you couldn’t actually see the tree.

“So once the little buggers have gone to sleep I take it all down and do it just how I like it – perfectly, so that I can then share it on Facebook.

“The kids have no idea I have completely wasted their time, and assume the beautiful tree is all their own work.”

However, daughter Pippa Fisher, seven, speaking to the Suffolk Gazette from the family home in Westerfield, near Ipswich, was furious.

“Of course we know she has redecorated the tree. Who does she think she is kidding?

“What is the bloody point of getting us excited about putting up the Christmas tree decorations, then watch with a forced smile as we take pride in our work?

“We all know that as soon as we have been put to bed the stupid woman undoes all our hard work because she is still a child herself and has to have everything her own way.”

[AdSense-B]

Steve Walsh, a spokesman for the Family Behaviour Studies Institute in Suffolk, said: “It is a well-known fact that mothers let their children decorate the tree. Then take it all down again and do it themselves.

“There are ingrained psychological reasons for this – primarily because when they were young themselves, their own mothers did exactly the same thing.”

Click here to support the Suffolk Gazette Beer Fund!
[olimometer id=1]

ADVERT: Click for latest The House in Town offers

Prince George fumes over not playing a king in his nativity

The Editor
-
0
Prince George fumes over not playing a king in his nativity

Prince George school

By Jane Seymour, Royal Editor

Prince George threw a mini tantrum when he was not picked to play a wise king in his school nativity.

The strong-willed toddler stunned teachers when he fumed: “One day I really will be king and all of you will be locked in the Tower of London.”

But staff at the Thomas’s School in Battersea, London stuck to their guns, and the young prince, who is third in line to the throne, was forced to play a sheep instead.

Proud parents the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, were delighted with the performance.

Prince George school

A school insider said: “We have to make sure all of our children get the chance to shine in the nativity play, no matter who they are.

“Prince George will have plenty of time to practise being a real king, so there was no pressure on us.”

In the nativity, three wise kings turn up bearing gifts for baby Jesus.

Yet despite his royal blood, young George was forced to dress up in a cuddly sheep outfit.

Other children at the school were said to be delighted that they were able to be king, just for one day.

One parent said: “George is a great character and probably was not very angry about being a sheep.

“He has a real sense of humour and played his part perfectly.

“It’s good to see that the school treats him just like another other pupil.”

Dodgy sunbed burnt my willy

The Editor
-
0
Dodgy sunbed burnt my willy

sunbed burnt

A man claims a faulty sunbed caused excruciating burns to his penis, it has emerged.

Dad-of-two Steve Walsh, 44, was hoping to get some winter colour by forking out for an all-over tan on a salon’s sunbed.

But he hopped off in agony after just ten minutes when a terrible pain gripped his most delicate area.

He looked down to see his manhood was scarlet red and beginning to blister.

After delicately putting his underpants and trousers back on, he demanded the manageress of the Ipswich salon inspect the sunbed.

To her horror, she discovered a trainee had accidentally replaced one of the bulbs with a super-strength UV light.

It concentrated the tanning rays on one particular area – which unfortunately for Mr Walsh happened to be his groin.

“I was enjoying a relaxing lie down on the bed and looking forward to getting a bit of colour in time for Christmas,” Mr Walsh, a recruitment consultant, said.

“Everything seemed normal at first, but then I noticed a smell like something was cooking – a bit like a sausage burning under the grill.

“When the pain became unbearable I had to stand up. I couldn’t believe what had happened. My todger was literally steaming.”

The owner of the Crisps Tanning Salon in Ipswich has apologised to Mr Walsh and given him a full refund, plus free tanning sessions for six months.

“It’s the least we could do,” manageress Urma Crisp said. “The trainee has received further training on equipment maintenance.”

Mr Walsh, who lives near Debenham in Suffolk, said his penis had since recovered – and had a nice colour.

Suffolk roads hit by gritting budget cuts

The Editor
-
0
Suffolk roads hit by gritting budget cuts

Gritting bicycle

There is growing concern that Suffolk County Council has cut too much of its budget for gritting the roads.

Motorists now fear the county’s highways will be too dangerous to use this winter.

Gone are the familiar gritting lorries that sweep across Suffolk’s roads, keeping them clear of ice.

Instead 27 new bicycle gritters have been purchased to try to do the same job at a fraction of the cost.

Delighted highways chiefs say they have saved over £5 million by selling off the lorries.

But they have refused to say how long it now takes staff on the yellow bicycles to clear the same routes.

Housewife Lorraine Fisher, from Martlesham near Ipswich said: “I saw some poor bloke pedaling furiously up the Bealings hill today spreading grit from his little basket on the front.

“He had to get off and push when he was half way up.

“And when he reached the top he had to turn around and go back to the depot to refill with grit.

“It must have taken him all day just to do a couple of miles – I really can’t see how this is cost effective at all.”

Motorist Paul Eaton added: “I got stuck behind one of these when it was gritting the A140. It was very dangerous, even if he did have his little yellow light flashing.

“By the time they have gritted all the roads, it will be summer.”

A county council spokesman said: “We are very pleased with our fleet of gritting bikes.

“They are much cheaper and greener than lorries. The only drawback is our drivers are not so keen on having to ride a bike.”

Last leaf on tree ‘desperately lonely’

The Editor
-
0
Last leaf on tree ‘desperately lonely’

Last leaf on a tree

The last leaf on a tree has confirmed it is “desperately lonely”, depressed and wants to end it all.

Lorraine Fisher, an oak leaf from Felixstowe in Suffolk, insisted she hated being on her own and wants to be with her perished family and friends on the ground.

[AdSense-A]

“People assume that because I clung on longer than everyone else, I would be happy with my achievement,” she said.

“But the reality is very different because it’s desperately lonely up here on my own, looking out over the amusement arcades.

“Even all the visitors have gone.

“It was okay up until a few weeks ago when there was lots to see. But now it’s just boring.

“I know I am going to die soon anyway, so I’d just like to get on with it. Life up here on my own is miserable and it’s bloody cold.

“I can see all my dead brothers and sisters down their on the grass.

“They seem so at peace; I want to be with them again.”

[AdSense-B]

Moments later a gust of wind came off the North Sea and, with a gentle wobble, Lorraine broke away from the twig that has been her fountain of life since April.

“I’m finally freeeeeeeeeeee,” she whispered to our reporter as he drifted slowly to oblivion on the ground.

Our man heard sobbing as the little four-inch leaf floated by.

But they were tears of joy and relief, not of sadness.

Lorraine leaves no family. She was seven months old.

Click here to support the Suffolk Gazette Beer Fund!
[olimometer id=1]

ADVERT: Click for latest The House in Town offers

England fans prepare for inevitable, crushing defeat to Panama

The Editor
-
0
England fans prepare for inevitable, crushing defeat to Panama

World Cup dreams

England’s football fans now know which tiny nation will destroy their World Cup dreams next summer.

The Three Lions have been drawn in the same group as Panama, a country so small its total population is half that of London.

[AdSense-A]

Every major tournament sees England crumble to an international footballing minnow, and now all supporters have to look forward to is getting their excuses in early.

Tiny Iceland, managed by a dentist, knocked England out of the European Championships two years ago.

And the last World Cup in 2014 saw Costa Rica hold us to a draw before Uruguay hammered the last nail into our coffin.

The draw in Russia yesterday also saw England matched in the group stage with Tunisia – another banana skin for Gareth Southgate and his overpaid squad.

What makes the certain defeat to Panama even more disappointing is that everyone is saying England have got an easy draw – even if they were pulled out of the hat by nemesis Diego Maradona.

England fan Lorraine Fisher, from Woodbridge in Suffolk said: “At least we now know what is going to happen – we’ll snatch a draw against Tunisia but lose to Panama.

“We’ll obviously lose to Belgium, the fourth team in Group G, so that will see us back on the plane home before the second round as usual.”

[AdSense-B]

Panama, in Central America, is famous for having a large canal.

Even the second most interesting thing about the country – the Panama Hat – is not quite as exciting as it sounds. It originates from Ecuador.

England have never played Panama before, meaning that after June next year the tiny country will enjoy a 100% winning record against their so-called mighty opponents for decades to come.

Click here to support the Suffolk Gazette Beer Fund!
[olimometer id=1]

ADVERT: Click for latest The House in Town offers

Fury as Kim Jong-un retweets British right-wing extremist

The Editor
-
0
Fury as Kim Jong-un retweets British right-wing extremist

Kin Jong un twitter

There was widespread shock and condemnation today after North Korean leader Kim Jong-un retweeted a video from a dangerous British right-wing group.

He was duped into showing his support for a well-known extremist who was spouting disgusting filth about the Scots.

[AdSense-A]

The North Korean despot used his traditional early-morning session on Twitter to showcase the dangerous video from Theresa May, a right-winger whose views have sickened Britain for years.

There are now calls for Mr Jong-un’s state visit to Britain, where he was due to meet the Queen after holidaying on the Suffolk coast, to be called off.

Ordinary North Koreans have been quick to insist they are embarrassed by their leader’s support for the brutal Conservative Party.

Farmer Choi Hoo Sun, 42, who works just outside the capital Pyonyang, said Mr Jong-un had gone too far this time.

“He is supposed to be the leader of the Free World, but here he is openly supporting dangerous right-wing British extremists.

“It’s quite cool that he uses Twitter, but he really needs to think before he Tweets.”

Mr Jong-un retweeted a video in which Ms May, who is being watched closely by British secret services, appeared on camera to wish the Scottish people a happy St Andrew’s Day.

[AdSense-B]

Political experts say the contents of the video can not be verified, and it is highly likely that Ms May does not care about Scotland whatsoever.

In other words, Mr Jong-un has unwittingly found himself promoting a propaganda video.

His spokesman Shin Seung Jin was left to face the North Korean media and defend his boss.

“The video itself may not be genuine, but the point it is making certainly is. That’s the real issue and Mr Jong-un is tackling it.”

Scottish people were furious that Mr Jong-un has now given credibility to Ms May and her rabid right-wing rhetoric.

“The wee rocket man needs his head testing – with a Glasgow kiss,” said Hamish McTaggart, 24, from Glasgow.

Click here to support the Suffolk Gazette Beer Fund!
[olimometer id=1]

ADVERT: Click for latest The House in Town offers

1...341342343...424Page 342 of 424