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Skinny man finishes long bicycle ride

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Skinny man finishes long bicycle ride

Bicycle ride

A skinny British man has finished a long bicycle ride in France, it has emerged.

Christopher Froome, 32, spent weeks pedaling all over the country with several hundred other cycling enthusiasts.

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They went up and down big hills and did some sprinting to keep themselves amused as they criss-crossed France.

It appears they may have bicycled an awfully long way, because they all seemed to have lost a lot of weight.

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Mr Froome has been cycling in France several times before, and clearly has a superb relationship with the French – who were so sad that his exciting bicycle ride had finished that they booed at the end.

For finishing his bike ride earlier than the rest, Mr Froome was given a yellow t-shirt.

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Sean Spicer joins Ipswich Town as PR supremo

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Sean Spicer joins Ipswich Town as PR supremo

Sean Spicer ITFC

Ipswich Town owner Marcus Evans has moved quickly to hire Sean Spicer, the former White House press secretary, as the club’s new Director of Communications.

Mr Spicer, who caused controversy with his ill-tempered Washington press briefings, has already ruffled feathers in his opening meeting with journalists at Portman Road.

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He quit his White House role unexpectedly yesterday as President Donald Trump moved to bring in a smooth new operator in his place.

But that opened the door for Ipswich Town, and Mr Evans is already seeing the benefits his new hire’s extravagant claims.

Mr Spicer told hushed Suffolk journalists today: “Season ticket sales have hit 24,000 and we expect to play in front of crowds of 27,000 this season,” he claimed.

“In fact, we will have the highest gates on record. Period.

“After we narrowly missed out on promotion last season, we have now spent tens of millions on new players, and next week we will unveil a £15 million new striker to replace Daryl Murphy, just like we said we would.

“Our goalkeeper Bartosz Bialkowski is not going to be sold, the Jonathan Douglas/Cole Skuse midfield pairing was out of this world, and we’ll be giving our youth players a real chance this year.”

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Spicer saved some of his famous spite for journalists until the end of the briefing, when the Suffolk Gazette’s editor tried to ask a question about ticket prices.

“Suffolk Gazette? Fake news. It’s worse than CNN,” he said. “Mr Evans is clear there is no room for this Fake News Media anymore.”

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Ipswich earthquake emergency appeal

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Ipswich earthquake emergency appeal

Ipswich earthquake appeal

The British Red Cross has set up an emergency appeal following this week’s devastating earthquake in Ipswich, which left victims wandering about helplessly crying “fuuuckinell”.

The tremor decimated the area causing approximately £76 worth of damage, with at least three areas of historic burnt out cars being disturbed.

Many locals were woken during the tremor on Thursday night, well before their giros arrived. Suffolk police reported that even today those affected were confused and bewildered, still coming to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Ipswich.

Officers said looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and have been carrying on as normal.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of White Lightning to the stricken locals, but has now launched a nationwide appeal for more urgent donations.

APPEAL: HOW YOU CAN HELP

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this Suffolk disaster.

Clothing is in high demand – items most needed include:

– Baseball caps
– Full matching tracksuits
– Nike Huarachi trainers
– Tartan pyjamas
– UGG Boots and any other items usually sold in Primark

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Microwave meals, Pot Noodles, tins of baked beans, ice cream, cans of Strongbow or Special Brew and, of course, pies.

Here’s other ways your cash will be used:

22p buys a biro for filling in compensation forms.
£7 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine.
£12 buys Benson & Hedges and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

Thank you, and please share this important post.

Last motorist to use driving gloves lives in Suffolk

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Last motorist to use driving gloves lives in Suffolk

driving gloves

The last motorist in Britain to still use driving gloves comes from Suffolk, it has emerged.

George Graham, 83, won’t set off in his Vauxhall Corsa without wearing his beloved pair of black leather gloves, which he has owned since 1967.

The retired tax inspector, from Bury St Edmunds, even keeps the cosy accessories in his car, meaning he is also the only person in Britain to use his glove compartment for actual gloves.

Sceptical motoring journalists claim nobody wears driving gloves any more, and that they should be consigned to the dustbin of history.

But after a major public appeal, the Suffolk Gazette tracked down Mr Graham while he was in his car on the way to B & Q.

driving gloves

He was amazed to learn he was the only driver left in Britain still using the mysterious driving glove.

“I swear by them,” he said. “They keep my hands warm in winter and cool in summer. They also give me extra grip on the steering wheel.

“And best of all they keep the germs off my hands when the wife has used the car before me.”

He described his gloves as being elegant and a true reflection of a gentleman’s standing in society.

The pair, which have fetching red stitching around the cuff, were purchased in 1967 after Mr Graham spotted an advert in Reader’s Digest

When told that driving gloves were surely only of use in years gone by when cars were filthy and leaked oil all over the place, and when drivers were exposed to the elements, Mr Graham explained: “Have you driven a Vauxhall Corsa lately?”

HS2: holding meetings in Birmingham 20 minutes later will save £111 billion

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HS2: holding meetings in Birmingham 20 minutes later will save £111 billion

High speed train

By Casey Jones, Railways Correspondent

London businessmen are being urged to save the country having to spend £111 billion on a new high-speed rail link by simply holding their meetings in Birmingham 20 minutes later.

Anti HS2 campaigners say executives should make small tweaks to their Office Outlook calendars in order to save taxpayers a fortune – and prevent the countryside being carved up.

Protestor Jim Bryden said: “If these important London business people simply shifted their planned meetings in Birmingham back by 20 minutes there would be no need for a very expensive High Speed 2 rail route to get them to Birmingham 20 minutes earlier.

“They wouldn’t even notice it, and in times of austerity, and to help preserve our green and pleasant land, this is an entirely convenient and practical way of saving the country more than £111 billion.

But important London businessperson Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “I am an important London businessperson, and if I need to have a meeting in Birmingham, then I need it 20 minutes earlier than I can have it now.

“It is basic economics – without this gigantic saving in time, the economy will collapse and we will soon be reduced to the economic status of Albania.”

HS2 from London to Birmingham was originally costed at a bargain £50 billion. But a rail expert commissioned by the Department of Transport to review costs found this week that the cost would be closer to £111 billion.

Campaigners point out that rather than saving impatient businessmen 20 minutes, this £111 billion figure might instead be used to fund 4,500 teachers/nurses/firemen/policemen for ten years at £25,000 each a year.

* Hat tip to Viz for the original idea!

Norfolk accidents rise as locals point at cars

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Norfolk accidents rise as locals point at cars

Pointing at cars

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

Accidents in Norfolk are on the rise because locals are standing around pointing at cars.

Motor vehicles have only recently been introduced to many parts of the county, and the new technology has astounded residents.

They stop in the middle of dirt tracks with their mouths open, pointing at passing cars and grunting in wonder.

But 16 of them have already been run over by drivers desperate to escape, fearing they have stumbled into a real-life version of The Deliverance. It’s as if they can hear the Duelling Banjos as they drive through.

Sales representative Pete Burgess-Biggerstaff said: “I was somewhere near Downham Market, driving down this terrible dirt road when all these yokels ran out of their hovels and started pointing at me and making weird noises.

“It was like a scene from The Walking Dead. I couldn’t wait to get away, so I turned south and headed for the safety of Suffolk.”

A spokesman for Norfolk police confirmed the car had been seen for several years in Norwich and even Great Yarmouth, but in more far-flung areas of the county it is a novelty.

“As a result, the locals there have not quite got the hang of road safety,” confirmed Inspector Noah Clowes. “Unfortunately this has led to many accidents because they simply stand in the road and point at stare at any car that approaches. Sixteen have been hit and injured.

“Unfortunately for motorists, many insurance companies will not offer Norfolk cover, so they have to pick up the repair bills themselves.”

Broadchurch takes another bizarre twist as Beth Latimer turns into Doctor Who

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Broadchurch takes another bizarre twist as Beth Latimer turns into Doctor Who

Beth Latimer Doctor Who

Far-fetched rural crime drama Broadchurch took another bizarre plot twist today when Beth Latimer left Dorset to become the new Doctor Who.

Mrs Latimer, whose son was murdered in series one, and who coincidentally went on to become a rape counsellor in series three, handily putting her back at the centre of another weird storyline, will swap the sleepy south-west coastal town for interplanetary travel in the Tardis.

She will be the 13th Doctor Who – and the first woman doctor.

But in a further blow to Broadchurch’s claim to be a normal place, she is not the first person from the town to be the doctor.

That was detective inspector Alec Hardy, who took a sabbatical from the police force in order to battle Daleks and Cybermen from 2005 to 2010.

DI Alec Hardy was Doctor Who

Beth Latimer’s estranged husband, Mark, was furious she was leaving Broadchurch to save the universe. “Our boy is dead and she wants to play doctors.

“She could end up getting hurt, which happens to a lot of people in Broadchurch. The Daleks could get her, but I have advised her to run upstairs if they turn up because they won’t be able to follow her.”

Broadchurch TV drama

Beth Latimer’s appointment as the BBC’s new Doctor was announced in a special trailer video just after the Wimbledon Men’s Singles tennis final, won by Roger Federer, who has never been to Broadchurch.

BBC insiders are now speculating if the doctor’s new assistant might also come from Broadchurch, with detective sergeant Ellie Miller hotly tipped to join up.

But the Broadchurch vicar, the Rev Paul Coates, is known to be increasingly frustrated doing God’s work, and might fancy a spin with Beth Latimer in the blue police phone box.

Country folk furious as EU bans straw sucking

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Country folk furious as EU bans straw sucking

Straw sucking

It’s been a simple pleasure for country folk for hundreds of years, but now a ridiculous EU ruling has banned straw sucking.

Generations of yokels, farmers and village idiots have wandered about with a piece of wheat or barley in their mouths without coming to any harm.

But now meddling Brussels bureaucrats fear pesticides used on modern-day crops could cause harm if straw is sucked upon.

The ruling was tucked away in the small print of a recent Agriculture bill passed through the House of Commons at the behest of the European court.

It means any person caught with a piece of straw in the mouth could be fined £100 on the spot.

Farmers are furious because they could also be fined if someone takes a piece of straw from one of their fields and pops it in their mouth.

Straw sucking

“Are we supposed to put warning signs up?” fumed farmer’s wife Amanda Payne, of Cavendish in Suffolk. “My husband has been sucking on straw all his life and he has never come to any harm.

“I also am partial to a piece of straw. What am I going to suck on now?”

A spokesman for the EU agriculture department explained: “We cannot stand idly by and watch country folk ingesting pesticides and goodness know what else while sucking on endless bits of untreated straw.

“It may seem petty but we have a responsibility to look after the health and well-being of the public.”

Brexit campaigners fear this is just one of hundreds of bonkers measures the EU may force on Britain before it leaves.

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