Sunday, January 12, 2025
Home Blog Page 341

English slugs have destroyed my Brussels

The Editor
-
0
English slugs have destroyed my Brussels

in my lady garden

Help! My Brussels have been eaten by some virulent variety of Old English slugs (Borisium Nigellus) and my Romaine lettuce has also been destroyed, along with the French beans.

What is going on? My head is spinning as it does after a night on the Aspall Cyder.

My garden labourer, old Mr Corbyn, says it’s not his fault. And Messrs Cameron and Osborne, to whom I pay the ground rent for the land, through the estate agents Bulling Don-Boyce, are sipping Champagne at their country mansions and making plans to flee the country. Word is in the village that they are deep in debt and may have to sell my allotment to Mr Putin, who will probably put cheap invasive mint all over it.

jeremy corbyn gardenerMy gardener, Mr Corbyn

So where does all this destruction leave us gardeners?

Well, we need to find the bottle opener and focus on the fuschia.

[AdSense-A]

Meanwhile, I was voted in as chairwoman of the Women’s Institute, a role I have always cosseted as it puts me in charge of the Vegetable and Flower show, into which I have promised to plough in £350m a week.

I won fairly and squarely, but Mrs Glasto said we needed a fresh vote as she says I’m an old slapper. I wouldn’t mind but she’s never been involved with the institute and hadn’t even registered to vote!

So all is not well In My Lady Garden. What with the slugs and rain all I’ve been doing is deadheading the roses and watching my penstemons pop out.

English slugsEnglish slugs have destroyed my Brussels and French beans

Your tomatoes should be flowering nicely now. If your truss is a bit heavy you may need a stick to keep it upright. My sweet peas are coming on well, but you need to keep removing the dead pods to encourage more blooms.

My veg peas are also developing. There is nothing like a good pea after a pint of Adnams and a snowball.

Jobs to do this week

* Sow primrose and pansies in the greenhouse ready for Autumn planting.
* Apply for a passport to Ireland.
* Keep an eye on your Scotch Bonnet chillies to make sure they don’t take over the plot.

Your problems answered

* George O: Yes I would stay in the shed until the storms pass. Then protect yourself with that rusty old pitchfork.
* Mr Putin from Peasinghall: I know it’s difficult but if you do piss yourself laughing try not to do it on the lawn or it will leave a nasty mark
* Mrs Hodge from Dagenham: Yes a good clear out is needed now. uproot all the weeds and replace with something that will bring harmony to the borders. I would go for a hybrid rather than a pedigree specimen. Good luck!

anita-bush-signature
Please support my running costs by clicking here and buying me a beer!
[olimometer id=1]

Visit our Suffolk Gazette store, or get our book on Kindle now! You Couldn’t Make It Up, 50 Hilarious Stories From The Suffolk Gazette is a BARGAIN! Please remember to leave a great review!

UEFA bans English national anthem before Iceland kick-off

The Editor
-
0
UEFA bans English national anthem before Iceland kick-off

EXCLUSIVE
By Our Football Staff

UEFA will refuse to play the English national anthem before England’s crunch Euro 2016 game on Monday because the country voted to leave the EU.

We can reveal that as both teams line up before the kick-off in Nice, only Iceland’s national anthem will be played in the stadium.

[AdSense-A]

The England set-up has been told UEFA officials wanted to show solidarity to the EU and decided banning God Save The Queen was an appropriate gesture.

But the 25,000 England fans with tickets at the Allianz Riviera stadium in Nice are expected to sing the national anthem throughout the match in protest at the UEFA ban.

A spokesman for UEFA said: “As a European organisation we stand shoulder to shoulder with the EU. England’s decision to leave the EU should not go unnoticed, and this is our way of saying, ‘Don’t mess with us’.”

England manager Roy Hodgson was said to be “furious” when informed of the anthem ban. But he told reporters that England’s fans would belt out God Save The Queen anyway to get his players in the mood just before kick-off.

english national anthemGod Save The Queen: England fans are patriotic but it has upset UEFA

An England camp insider told the Suffolk Gazette: “Our fans are patriotic and show great support. They will sing the national anthem at the top of their voices during the game regardless of UEFA refusing to play it.”

It is believed Wales and Northern Ireland, who face each other later today in the last 16, will not be punished by UEFA for Brexit. Northern Ireland, like Scotland, voted to Remain, while Wales was thought too small a country for UEFA to be concerned about.

England fan William Blake, 34, of Mountains Green, near Haverhill in Suffolk said: “UEFA can sod off. We will raise the roof in Nice whatever the corrupt Europeans think.”

Please support my running costs by clicking here and buying me a beer!
[olimometer id=1]

Visit our Suffolk Gazette store, or get our book on Kindle now! You Couldn’t Make It Up, 50 Hilarious Stories From The Suffolk Gazette is a BARGAIN! Please remember to leave a great review!

Trump: I want to buy Great Britain

The Editor
-
0

By Sandy Driver, Golf Correspondent

US Presidential hopeful Donald Trump has announced he’d like to buy Great Britain as he arrived in Suffolk today to review his plans for Aldeburgh Golf Club.

Speaking outside the clubhouse on the morning of the momentous EU Referendum result, he said “Little Englanders” were now his sort of people, and he should snap up the country.

[AdSense-A]

The controversial republican, whose views resonate with Leave campaigners across Britain, told a press conference: “I want to buy this country. The people are my kinda people, and the price has dropped somewhat overnight. My accountants are looking at the books right now.”

Mr Trump, who wants to build a wall on the Mexican border, and who wants to prevent Muslims from entering the US, said the Brits were “cut from the same cloth as me”.

buy great britain donald TrumpTrump: Plans to buy the UK

He added: “Here in Suffolk the message was clear: they wanted out of Europe. And now they have welcomed me with open arms. I’d like to buy the country, I can afford it. I will build a wall around the whole coastline, and then a drawbridge, which we’ll pull up at the first sign of any foreigner trying to get in.”

The Suffolk Gazette revealed earlier this month that Donald Trump was buying Aldeburgh Golf Club.

Members are worried he might take the stuffy traditions of the club and make it more accessible to the common man.

But during Mr Trump’s trip to Suffolk today, where he arrived after viewing his other UK course, Turnberry in Scotland, Mr Trump insisted his purchase would benefit everyone.

Click here to support the Suffolk Gazette Beer Fund!
[olimometer id=1]

Join our witty Suffolk Gazette Facebook page community.

Hosepipe ban to manage East Anglian drought

The Editor
-
0
Hosepipe ban to manage East Anglian drought

EXCLUSIVE
By Ivor Traktor, Farming Correspondent (intern)

A hosepipe ban is being introduced in East Anglia as the region suffers from months of severe drought, the Suffolk Gazette can reveal.

Lack of rainfall and heatwaves have left farmers fearing for crops, gardeners have been desperately watering their parched flowers and beds, while lawns have turned a sickly brown.

[AdSense-A]

Now, as reservoir levels hit a record low, Anglian Water is having to take emergency measures and introduce a hosepipe ban from next week.

Met Office experts say Suffolk had not recorded any rainfall since a brief shower in February, and no more rain is forecast until late August at the earliest.

An insider said: “It is quite unusual to have so little rain. East Anglia has been caught in high-atmosphere jet stream shift, which has swept warm air up from Africa, and it shows no sign of changing any time soon. Who would have thought everyone would be so fed up with the sun?”

hosepipe ban westerfieldParched: This farmland at Westerfield, near Ipswich, desperately needs rain to save crops

Anglian Water bosses met this week to discuss the ongoing drought, and will announce the hosepipe ban on Monday morning.

A source told the Suffolk Gazette: “Reservoirs have hit record lows and we have to preserve what we have left. Hosepipe bans will be in place, and farms without special licenses will be prevented from irrigating crops.

“The weather has simply been too pleasant. But while lack of rain is nice for a while, it can be a killer unless we manage it properly.”

Please support my running costs by clicking here and buying me a beer!
[olimometer id=1]

Visit our Suffolk Gazette store, or get our book on Kindle now! You Couldn’t Make It Up, 50 Hilarious Stories From The Suffolk Gazette is a BARGAIN! Please remember to leave a great review!

Vote Move: Britain Stronger in South America

The Editor
-
0
Vote Move: Britain Stronger in South America

By The Editor

The British people are being asked to make a monumental decision that will shape not only their lives, but those of their children and grandchildren. It’s a chance to make a real difference, an opportunity far greater than any General Election. Yet we have all been taken for fools. Vote Remain or Vote Leave, both acerbic sides of this EU Referendum campaign have degenerated into farce; a damnable shouting match that, quite frankly, has assumed we as a country has the collective intelligence of a gnat.

That’s why the Suffolk Gazette today implores its readers to take the third option, one that no other mainstream British newspaper has dared support: VOTE MOVE: Britain Stronger in South America.

We believe Britain should be shipped to South America, a continent that will enrich all our lives and give us a future and a country to be proud of.

Shamefully, the #VoteMove campaign has endured a media blackout thus far as the liberal left and confused Conservative press support Remain, while the snarling right-wing media demand we leave the EU and go it alone.

But no longer. #VoteMove now has a voice. As Editor of the Suffolk Gazette, whose readers understand well-reasoned arguments better than anyone, I feel it is my duty to urge you to vote with your conscience, and Vote Move: Britain Stronger in South America.

Look out for the campaign bus, which puts Boris’ Battle Bus to shame, and read on to see the 10 reasons why you should support Vote Move at the ballot box this week.

vote move britain stronger in South AmericaVote Move’s no-expense-spared campaign bus has been winning support across the country

Top Ten Reasons to Vote Move:

1. Better Beaches
It is a known fact that Copacabana is more pleasing to the eye than Felixstowe. I certainly never heard of Barry Manilow singing the praises of the Suffolk resort.

2. Bikram Yoga for All
Vote Move and the achingly trendy Bikram, or ‘Hot’ Yoga will be available to all… outdoors. Yes, no need to heat your gym studio to 40 degrees and suffocate in stinky body odour, soon you can enjoy Bikram outside in year-round temperatures of 40 degrees.

3. Empanadas
Consumption of this protein-rich stuffed bread or pastry will develop a more muscular population, as opposed to the stuff you currently eat from Greggs.

empanadaEmpanadas will improve British physiques and save the NHS a fortune

4. No Fake Tans
Made famous by our neighbours in Essex, fake tans will be a thing of the past as all the British people will develop a healthy year-round tan. No more smelly orange bed sheets!

5. ISIS-free zone
While Europe, North America, Asia, Africa and Australasia are gripped by the fear of ISIS terrorism, South America remains blissfully free of this threat… touch wood.

6. One Million New Jobs
Physically digging up Britain and moving it piece-by-piece to South America will create one million jobs. Instantly.

7. Fitter Birds
Campaigners inform me that the women in South America are as hot as the weather.

south american womanA typical South American woman

8. Strong Diplomatic Relations
Britain will be stronger in South America, where we already have close ties with regional economic and military powerhouses such as The Falklands, Belize, Guyana and Suriname.

9. Footballing Success
South America is rich in sporting talent. Moving there will allow British clubs to grab local talent such as Neymar Jr or Messi without having to sort out a work permit.

10. Cheaper Colombian Product
It is estimated that one in ten Brits, aged 18-59 have consumed Colombian product. This is not to be sniffed at, so moving there will clearly make trade routes easier.

Now you know the facts, there really is only one option open to you at the polls this week. Vote Move: Britain Stronger in South America.

For more campaign information, please visit the Vote Move website, and share our story with your friends. The opportunity is great, and we owe it to ourselves to seize it with both hands. Then we’ll go to the beach.

In or out? I know what I like best

The Editor
-
0
In or out? I know what I like best

in my lady garden

What a tumultuous week we have ahead of us! So many things to decide upon.

Do I go OUT and pull some nettles up, or stay IN with a few large gins and watch England lose the football?

Do I go OUT for a nice big Chinese or have one to eat IN?

[AdSense-A]

If it all goes pear-shaped in the EU Referendum and we are looking at years of economic gloom, you may need my tips for skinflint gardeners.

I grow lots of plants from seeds from the Asian cookery shops. Instead of paying £2.99 for a quarter of a teaspoon of seeds in a fancy packet from the garden centre, get bloody great bags for between a fiver and a tenner and use them for cooking and growing.

Simply buy wholeseeds of the following: coriander, fennel, fenugreek, linseed, dill, mustard, white and blue poppy, sunflower, pumpkin, cumin. You will probably have some of these in the cupboard for knocking up Britain’s most traditional meal, Chicken Tikka Masala.

Ok, the pumpkin may not end up to be of carriageable quality but you’re not dating Cinderella and her ugly sisters.

I like big bags of those little black bits you get in naan bread. No not the mouse droppings, the other crunchy aromatic bits. They are called Kalonji or black onion seeds, also known when they flower as love-in-a-mist or Nigella.

nigella seedsNigella: uncultivated variety

They grow into lovely little flowers, not as big as the cultivated garden seeds but a nice tangly little thing.

And who, among my male readers, wouldn’t like to find Nigella swaying in their long grass?

nigella lawsonNigella: cultivated variety

If you buy some tomatoes you particularly like, cut one in half and shove it in some compost. Do the same with a single clove of garlic and you’ll always have a supply to keep Dracula from giving you a love bite.

Of course, not everything in the kitchen cupboard will grow into what it says. I never did manage to grow a Carnation from a tin of milk.

To plant your seeds, just sprinkle a selection into a food bag, then why not get stuck into a bottle of Prosecco? Take a haphazard wobbly walk around the garden or allotment, singing “Agadoo-doo-doo shake pineapple from the tree,” just chuck them around, or in between the “proper plants” and hope they take. If you’re really pissed, do it in the rain so they get washed in a bit and make a good start.

I don’t want to put Suffolk’s famous potato farmer Maurice Piper out of a job but you can even grow spuds from the peelings if they have “eyes” beginning to sprout from them.

If you “grow on” herbs from the supermarket, as I told you last week, do remember that mint is extremely invasive so you should trap the roots in a container. The one in my photo is ideal.

mint in suffolk gazette mugMint can be kept in a precious family heirloom cup

This week my husband bought me a new deluxe Garden kneeler. It’s the perfect gift for anyone who likes to get down and dirty in the garden without hurting themselves with pebbles or getting aching limbs. He bought it from Wyevale’s, from the Monica Lewinksy range. It’s also handy when pulling out weeds, and can be turned the other way if you want a stool for a sit down and quick swig of Adnams.

With all this rain there is little you can do in the garden, but the damp soil will make it easy to pull out those nettle and thistles.

Jobs to do this wet week

* Get the Tesco man to delivery a fridgeful of wine and beer and plenty of ice cream and lollies for that glorious moment when the weather changes and you are sunbathing, praying for a shower.

* Find your mac so you can be ready to vote on Thursday.

* Have a bet on Brexit or Remain online without even braving the shower.

* Nip to the greenhouse or shed and plant some wallflower seeds to go outside in the autumn.

Answers to your problems

* Mr S Y: Stick to the lupins. You can’t GROW a Schengen border in the garden. It is something to do with EU borders, not bedding plants.

* Mr R S from Halesworth: Your wife is right. You should always wipe your tool before putting it away.

* Mrs J T from Finborough: Now is the time to harvest your rhubarb. Otherwise all you have to look forward to is an old woody stalk. Most people have a big run on rhubarb at the moment.

anita-bush-signature

Please support my running costs by clicking here and buying me a beer!
[olimometer id=1]

Visit our Suffolk Gazette store, or get our book on Kindle now! You Couldn’t Make It Up, 50 Hilarious Stories From The Suffolk Gazette is a BARGAIN! Please remember to leave a great review!

Motorist furious as cyclists take over road

The Editor
-
0
Motorist furious as cyclists take over road

By Bernie Legg, Cycling Correspondent

An angry motorist complained today that a group of cyclists were hogging the roads in north Suffolk with no thought for the safety of other road users.

The car driver told how the “bloody idiots” were riding two or even three abreast, and did not even bother using a cycle path built especially for them at great expense.

[AdSense-A]

He watched in a rage as they completely ignored the Highway Code and roared through red lights and pedestrian crossings at great speed.

And he said none of them paid insurance – yet were “racing around in their stupid lycra outfits trying to look like the professionals they see on TV”.

womens cycling tourCyclists were out in force in north Suffolk today

The driver, who asked not to be named for fear of looking completely stupid, said: “I pay road tax to use my car on the roads, and these people don’t pay a penny yet think they can ride around for free at my expense.

“They are a menace and a danger to themselves and others. The roads were originally built for cars, not bicycles.

“But I could not get anywhere in north Suffolk today because there were cyclists riding around in a large group getting in my way.”

Meanwhile, the first stage of the prestigious annual Aviva Women’s Tour cycling race kicked off in Southwold today, taking in parts of north Suffolk before finishing in Norwich. Tens of thousands lined route to cheer on the riders in an exciting event which brings huge amounts of cash to the region.

Please support my running costs by clicking here and buying me a beer!
[olimometer id=1]

Visit our Suffolk Gazette store, or get our book on Kindle now! You Couldn’t Make It Up, 50 Hilarious Stories From The Suffolk Gazette is a BARGAIN! Please remember to leave a great review!

Six gins a day is secret to long life says Mabel, 100

The Editor
-
0
Six gins a day is secret to long life says Mabel, 100

Sprightly centenarian Mabel Jackson says the secret to a long life is drinking six gin and tonics a day.

As she celebrated her 100th birthday with family and friends, Mabel raised her glass and predicted her favourite tipple would see her through years to come.

Fit as a fiddle, Mabel only gave up smoking three years ago on doctors’ advice and took up vaping which is safer, but there was no way she was going to stop downing her favourite drink.

She said: “I have two at lunchtime, one at tea time with a biscuit and then three more during the evening while I do my knitting. I swear the gin keeps me young!”

centenarian gin and tonicCheers: Mabel still enjoys six gins a day as she turns 100
Mabel, who lives in a residential home in Stowmarket in Suffolk, has been drinking gin for 82 years and even knows how many bottles she had got through in that time.

“I worked it out one night when I couldn’t get to sleep. Instead of counting sheep, I counted gins. You get around 35 measures in a bottle, so as I always have six a day it takes me around a week to get through a bottle. I know this because I buy one every Wednesday from the Co-Op. On that basis I buy 52 bottles a year, making 4,264 bottles since I started. That’s quite an achievement!”

Mabel was married for 55 years to her childhood sweetheart Eric, a farm labourer from Wetherden, but he sadly died from liver disease in 1989. The couple had three children, and Mabel now enjoys visits from nine grandchildren and even three great-grandchildren.

“It’s lovely to see the young ones, but they are quite boisterous and once they’ve gone I definitely need a G & T,” she said.

Daughter Mary Whiteside, 74, of Ipswich said: “Mum has always been a bit of a character. She loves a tipple, and to be honest it seems to have preserved her, like a good pickle.”

1...340341342...377Page 341 of 377

Just In

Sport

Business

Features

Contact us