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Trump will sell Alaska back to Russia to pay for Mexican wall

The Editor
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Trump will sell Alaska back to Russia to pay for Mexican wall

Donald Trump Alaska

Donald Trump is poised to sell Alaska back to the Russians in order to fund his Mexican wall, it has emerged.

The US President sees Alaska as surplus to requirements now that America has plundered most of its natural resources.

And with the White House locked in a Mexican standoff over who will pay for the massive wall across its southern border, the sale proceeds will come in handy.

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America bought Alaska from the Russian Empire in 1867 for $7.2 million. Since then they have taken all of the gold and most of the oil and gas.

Furthermore, environmentalists have become a pain about keeping the state, north-west of Canada, in tip-top shape, and the residents have become a strain on the welfare budget.

Mr Trump came up with the plan to sell Alaska back to the Russians when an envoy from Moscow muted the idea of leasing back the territory so its super rich could go there on bear-hunting holidays.

The Russians also believe native Americans in Alaska are actually Russian.

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A White House spokesman said: “We don’t really need Alaska anymore. It’s stuck on the top of Canada miles away from anywhere, and quite frankly looking after it has become increasingly annoying and expensive.

“We have quoted a price of $10 billion to Russia, which represents quite a profit – and that will be more than enough to build our huge wall along the Mexican border.”

Professor of Politics at Suffolk University, Dr Hugh Williamson said: “While this sale will solve Mr Trump’s wall problems, it does pose another question: what will become of former Alaska governor Sarah Palin? The Russians won’t want her.”

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Now it’s Postman Patel and Bartosz the Builder as BBC rebrands kids TV

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Now it’s Postman Patel and Bartosz the Builder as BBC rebrands kids TV

Postman Patel

The BBC will cause uproar this week by insisting that children’s television favourites be remade to reflect a “modern and diverse Britain”.

Postman Pat is first for retirement and will be replaced by Postman Patel, a cheery new character who delivers the mail in inner city Birmingham rather than Longsleddale.

Also hanging up his tools is Bob the Builder, making way for Bartosz the Builder, who has moved to Britain from Poland to set up a new life for himself and his lovely family.

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The BBC is also concerned that so many of the popular kids TV characters are men, so Fireman Sam is now being rebranded as Fireperson Samantha.

“Our children’s television shows are stuck in the 1950’s and need bringing up to speed with a modern and diverse Britain,” a BBC insider revealed.

“We needed a complete rethink of how characters are portrayed on the small screen so youngsters feel more comfortable.

“This is also a perfect way to reduce racism and feminism in the workplace.”

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But the move sparked a furious reaction from some quarters. Suffolk UKIP councillor Major Reynold Besqinthorpe fumed: “This is utter nonsense from the left-wing BBC.

“Our children grew up with these beloved characters – there is simply no need to update them in this way.”

Mum of eight Phyllis “Phil” McCracken, from Great Yarmouth in Norfolk added: “This is political correctness gone mad.”

The BBC is likely to cause further outrage by insisting that Ivor the Engine be rebranded as a transgender express called Eva the Engine.

The lovable Welsh train will get into lots of arguments with the newly slimmed-down Thin Controller.

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Most Bank Holiday BBQs cause Tuesday sickness

The Editor
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Most Bank Holiday BBQs cause Tuesday sickness

bbq sickness

Nearly 99.9 per cent of barbecues eaten this Bank Holiday Monday will be riddled with germs, rendering diners feeling gruesome, says a shock survey.

Sausages and chicken – even those pieces cooked in the kitchen and just put on the barbecue to add the smoked sizzle – will contain salmonella and E. coli as well as gastroenteritis and severe diarrhoea and sickness.

Burgers will be no better, even those burned to a cinder with no raw bits in the middle.

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The survey was compiled by The Board Of British Bosses and is based on data collected on work absence over the past 20 years.

A spokesman said: “Millions of workers will be incapacitated tomorrow.

“Based on previous evidence one in ten will get their partner to phone the office or factory saying one of the following:

“He/she was up all night being sick and is too weak to come to the phone. We think it was some barbecued burgers we had at our neighbours’ house.

“He/she has had the squits about 30 times in the night and is afraid to leave the house for work. We think it was some undercooked chicken we had at the village barbecue.

“He/she has been shitting and vomiting ever since eating a barbecued prawn yesterday at a pub Bank Holiday barbecue. We can’t get an appointment with the doctor so we can’t say if he/she will be in at all this week.”

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The spokesman added: “They will have sent their partners to the supermarket for emergency Imodium which is supposed to work in an hour but clearly these cases are more serious.

“The work place will be empty as they writhe on the lawn in agony, getting sunburn that will make them feel even worse.

“Even middle management will be debilitated by toxic fillet steaks and lobsters.

“Surprisingly, we checked with toilet roll distributors who said they had not noticed any upturn in sales.

“With the sun blazing and the kids off school it will be hell for these workers and we can only hope things return to normal by the end of the week.”

“Many of these poor souls will try to anaesthetise the germs with acidic wines, beers and cocktails but our Bureau medics have told us that copious amounts can make the patient feel even worse.”

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Couple, 85, win record Felixstowe Seniors Ice Cream Race

The Editor
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Couple, 85, win record Felixstowe Seniors Ice Cream Race

Ice cream race

Sprightly Suffolk pensioners Basil and Audrey Belmarsh have won the annual Felixstowe Seniors Ice Cream Race in record time.

The Ipswich couple bought their cones at Felixstowe Pier and “ran” all the way down Sea Road to the Mannings amusement park before the last of the ice cream melted.

Thousands of elderly couples take part in the popular race each summer bank holiday weekend – and the Belmarshes, both aged 87, came out on top with a winning time of just 19 minutes.

The 400-metre course is fraught with obstacles, including greedy seagulls, drunks, people walking on the promenade while looking at their phones – and others whizzing around on disability scooters.

But Basil and Audrey, who recently celebrated their diamond wedding anniversary, evaded the lot to reach Mannings with several licks of their ice creams left.

“We’ve been taking part in the Felixstowe Seniors Ice Cream Race for years,” explained Audrey. “But we have never been close to winning before.

“We’ve been practising in the garden on hot days, and that, together with a bit of luck, was enough to see us romp home.”

Entrants must be in mixed pairs and be over 75 years old to take part in the race, which attracts huge crowds who love the thrills and spills of the competition.

The contestants set off from the pier at 30-second intervals to prevent congestion on the promenade.

But that did not stop one unfortunate incident yesterday when four couples caught up with each other and began jostling for space.

Six people fell down from the prom to the beach below. They were not seriously hurt.

Organisers Sunset Promotions Inc. said the race, which was first run in 1898, had attracted 1,057 retired couples yesterday – an increase of 15% over last year.

“The weather helped,” said Sunset’s spokesman Graham Cobbold. “We were impressed with Mr and Mrs Belmarsh, and it was good to see the course record broken. Will anyone be able to beat it next year?

“The pensioners love taking part. Fortunately, there are many benches for them to rest on if they get tired.”

The Belmarshes were presented with their first prize – a year’s free gym membership – at a special ceremony outside the Regal Fish Bar.

Lowestoft’s ‘stunt ramp’ river crossing unveiled

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Lowestoft’s ‘stunt ramp’ river crossing unveiled

Lowestoft bridge

Only the brave will want to use Lowestoft’s new river crossing – speeding up a steep ramp and zooming through the air before landing on the other side.

The long-awaited design for the fun new crossing, which will help ease the town’s infamous traffic problems, has been welcomed by the more adventurous motorists.

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Boy racers say they can’t wait to rev up the engines on their powerful Vauxhall Novas and launch themselves off the ramp like a stuntman.

They say there will be unofficial records kept of who can leap the furthest while landing safely.

Estimates show drivers need to reach 66mph to generate sufficient speed to get up the ramp and leap the 200-foot gap safely.

They will need to use all their skill to keep the flying car level to ensure a safe landing.

But not all Lowestoft residents are keen, fearing some will not go over the ramp fast enough and will end up plunging into the water below.

Town councillor Bill Withers fumed: “This is a ridiculous and dangerous scheme. Many local people are elderly, and I can not see them wanting to take a run at the ramp and leap over to the other side in their little runaround cars.

“They rarely get above 20mph, so there could be carnage. Why can’t architects come up with a normal bridge?”

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Construction company E. Ville & K. Neavel Ltd defended the scheme.

Director Keith Neavel explained: “Not only will it help solve Lowestoft’s traffic problems, but the ramp crossing will soon become a tourist attraction.

“People from miles around will come and watch as locals take their turn to try to jump across in their cars.

“It will be the best spectator sport to come out of Suffolk in years.”

Health and Safety executives are currently studying the plans, and expect to give the go ahead for building work to begin next year.

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Concrete tank traps will see off invading Russians

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Concrete tank traps will see off invading Russians

Tank traps

By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

World War Two-style tank traps are to be Britain’s main defence against enemy invasion for the next century, it has been confirmed.

Secretary of State for Defence Michael Fallon has revealed the simple concrete blocks are the most cost-effective deterrent in times of austerity.

The traps are being placed randomly along parts of East Anglia’s coastline in a show of strength that will make Putin and his Russian forces think twice before launching an attack.

A defence insider said: “We haven’t got any budget to speak of, so these concrete blocks seem like a good idea.

“They only cost a few quid each and a fork lift truck to put them in place.

“Our top-level strategic review revealed our most likely threat comes from the East – so it makes sense to place some concrete blocks along parts of the East Anglian coastline.

“These will be a brilliant way of stopping the Russians should they think about launching an invasion using tanks from the sea.

“Once the might of the Russian army comes ashore they will be dumfounded by our concrete blocks.

“They’ll have to get back on their ships and go home again.”

Asked what would happen if the Russians decided to launch an attack from the air, or simply launched an assault further up the coast, the insider was unable to answer.

Suffolk residents fear the blocks may not be an effective deterrent after all.

“They’re a bit Dad’s Army, aren’t they?” one beach walker near Sizewell said yesterday as he sat on a block enjoying his lunch.

A spokesman for the Ministry of Defence would not be drawn on the subject.

“This is a top secret operation and we do not discuss sensitive information like this.

“All I can do is reassure the public that these tank traps are effective – the Germans never invaded successfully in World War Two, did they.”

Stay-away Ipswich fan secretly annoyed by great start to season

The Editor
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Stay-away Ipswich fan secretly annoyed by great start to season

ITFC ground

An Ipswich fan has privately admitted that he’s disappointed by Town’s promising start to the new season, after refusing to re-new his season ticket.

Raymond Stubbs – who had previously attended every home game at Portman Road for the past 20 seasons – surrendered his seat citing the ‘stubborn’ nature of Blues boss Mick McCarthy.

Ipswich have since started the new season with four wins from four games, with promising new signings being blended with exciting youngsters, giving fans reason to be cheerful, after one of the worst seasons in the club’s history last time out.

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Speaking to an undercover Suffolk Gazette reporter, Raymond, from Sizewell, revealed that he got fed up with McCarthy’s approach last season.

“Time and time again he failed to acknowledge that times had changed.

“One thing that really annoyed me was how he refused to give the young players an opportunity in the first team, and I’m sure it’s the same this time around.

“McCarthy is a dinosaur and the most stubborn man in Suffolk.

“I haven’t been following the team this year, and only heard about the results due to my daft son continuing to follow the team.”

The perceived change of direction at the club was on show on Tuesday night at Millwall, where the Blues won an exhilarating game 4-3, despite an injury list longer than a bank holiday queue for Fish & Chips in Aldeburgh.

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“Frankly I don’t care how well Ipswich do in the short-term, I won’t be going to Portman Road with that stubborn old dinosaur in charge of the team. And I bet he still plays that Jonathan Douglas bloke.”

Is there anything the former Sunderland and Wolves manager could do to win back Raymond, and other stay-away supporters?

“No.

“He never admits when he’s made a mistake, and his colourful language when speaking to the media really p****s me off.

“I won’t be changing my mind and going back.

“He’s the most stubborn man in Suffolk is McCarthy. And he’s always repeating himself as well.”

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Man employed to sit on Big Ben and shout ‘BONG!’ every hour

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Man employed to sit on Big Ben and shout ‘BONG!’ every hour

Big Ben

A man has been employed to sit at the top of Big Ben and shout “BONG!” very loudly while the bell is being repaired.

Jonathan Squires, 57, of Bury St Edmunds in Suffolk, has to live 24/7 in the clock tower and shout into a megaphone on the hour, every hour.

News that the traditional bell would be silent for four years was met with howls of protest by people with too much time on their hands.

Even Prime Minister Theresa May interrupted her work on important global crises to say it was wrong for Big Ben to be quiet during a lengthy restoration project.

Parliamentary officials decided the best compromise would be to employ a man to shout “BONG!” so tourists would still experience the charm of Big Ben’s chimes.

Mr Squires, a former geography teacher, was selected after proving he emitted the loudest and most realistic “BONG!” out of all the candidates.

He will be paid £24,000 a year, plus meals and accommodation in the 96-metre clock tower, which was built in 1859.

Speaking to journalists at a press conference to unveil him today, Mr Squires said: “I’m looking forward to keeping the nation abreast of the time.

“It’s a simple enough job – I just have to shout “BONG!” into my megaphone the required number of times, on the hour every hour.

“It is an honour to serve my country in this way, and I hope the Prime Minister is satisfied.”

Mr Squires takes up his position next Monday.

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