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Suffolk Liberation Front to help Gibraltar invade Spain

The Editor
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Suffolk Liberation Front to help Gibraltar invade Spain

By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

The latest dispatch from the Suffolk Liberation Front saves the Editor’s bacon, reveals a cunning reconnaissance technique – and confirms it is helping Gibraltar invade Spain. Bit of a quiet week, in other words.

Sir,

It has been some time since we released any news on the Suffolk Liberation Front, mainly because we have been busy.

I will first mention that the commanding officer had to personally intervene to prevent the editor of the Suffolk Gazette being seized by front-line fighters and being forced to work as a chef. The SLF command has said that regular news updates in the Gazette are far more important than well-cooked food (but should you stop publishing our updates, you’ll be fair game).

Firstly to quash some rumours, the SLF is not a front for drug dealing and organised crime. There have been many remarks that this is the case and that we use pizza delivery drivers to distribute illegal drugs.

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This isn’t the case. However, I can happily announce that our newly-appointed captain is currently patrolling the streets of Ipswich, gathering intelligence and keeping the people safe undercover with his story being that he’s delivering pizza. We now have every town and village in Suffolk covered by various takeaway delivery outlets, so that patrols can be carried out undercover. We effectively hold Suffolk under a reign of terror a protective shield.

We have had enquiries in from America about building works, something about a wall, as they admire the Bungay wall and want us to replicate it there, so we are sending some representatives there to look into this. Possibly we may be able to use sterilised Norfolk slaves to do this task, which will mean raiding parties again into the wilds of Norfolk to get more slaves as we’ve sold a lot of them to China in return for weapons.

We are busy building a new port at Iken cliff to facilitate the Chinese imports and soon that area will become an industrial complex. We will be looking for entrepreneurs to invest heavily in the new industry and we will report on further developments as they happen. We now have many Chinese soldiers helping us, so invasion of Norfolk and Cambridgeshire is imminent, we have already managed to send a nuclear weapon to King’s Lynn, decimating the town; such is the insignificance to outsiders of this hell hole that no one has noticed as yet.

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GibraltarGibraltar: residents think the Suffolk Liberation Front rocks

We will certainly need the Chinese soldiers as we have become international soldiers of fortune – Gibraltar has asked us to invade Spain for them. It transpires Gibraltar was concerned about the nearly-all British towns in the south of Spain and the impact of Brexit, so when they decided to invade, they came to the SLF for help as we have experience of this sort of thing. In return we will keep anything we loot, including gold and slaves. We will make a fortune and increase the size of Gibraltar to encompass most of Spain and Portugal as we need the loot believe in the need to do this. Our Chinese friends will help us in this task by offering expertise, weapons, vehicles and ships.

As we have developed so quickly we are also holding a recruitment evening very soon in an Ipswich pub. We may also be selling t-shirts and mugs. We shall announce this soon, and we are also going to create a Facebook for the SLF for new recruits to sign up in and to ask for funds for our training camps and weekends. We are also thinking of a new logo.

We are Suffolk, we are united.

Sincerely,

Suffolk Liberation Front
Commanding officer

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Norwich City sign local brothers to boost promotion-chasing squad

The Editor
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Norwich City sign local brothers to boost promotion-chasing squad


By Ian Bred, Norfolk Reporter

Norwich City have snapped up two local brothers as manager Alex Neil looks to boost his squad for the second half of the season.

Bubba and Billy Bob Spuckler agreed personal terms at Carrow Road yesterday after Norwich’s joint £5,000 bid was accepted by Downham Town FC of the Eastern Counties League.

Norwich owner Delia Smith was delighted with the transfer window swoop and happily posed with the brothers, who both play as strikers and have become local legends at Downham Market.

Bubba, 27, has scored three goals in 364 starts for Downham Market, while his brother Billy Bob has been even more prolific, netting five times in only 203 games.

New Norwich signings Bubba and Billy Bob SpucklerKeeping it in the family: Delia Smith with the Spuckler brothers

Norwich City chairman Ed Balls said: “Our supporters will be doubly delighted – we have made two significant transfer window signings, and they are both local lads. This makes up for the imminent £12 million sale of Robbie Brady.

“And it is brilliant to sign two brothers. We like to think of ourselves as one big family club, and these boys will fit in perfectly.”

Neither of the brothers had ever travelled the long distance to Norwich before (40 miles), and were clearly overawed by the experience of being paraded at Carrow Road yesterday – they certainly looked a little pale in the official photographs.

Bubba said: “I live in a small place with my sister and our eight children – they can’t wait to come to Norwich to see me play. Do they need a passport to get here?”

Tycoon Bernie Ecclestone joins Suffolk Gazette board

The Editor
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Tycoon Bernie Ecclestone joins Suffolk Gazette board

Bernie Ecclestone joins the Suffolk Gazette board

Former Formula One supremo Bernie Ecclestone has joined the board of the Suffolk Gazette newspaper, it has been confirmed.

The multi-billionaire business magnate, pictured above, has become a non-executive director and will bring considerable experience to the leading East Anglian media empire.

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Mr Ecclestone, 86, stepped down as chief executive of the Formula One Group this week after the sport was taken over by Liberty Media.

Born in St Peter, South Elmham, just south of Bungay in Suffolk, Mr Ecclestone went to school in nearby Wissett and still holds the county close to his heart.

The trawlerman’s son has been a keen admirer of the Suffolk Gazette since the newspaper first broke news that F1 would be heading to a new street circuit in Ipswich.

And when he announced this week he was stepping down from motor sport, the Suffolk Gazette editor was quick to make an official approach.

A joint statement confirmed: “The Suffolk Gazette is delighted that Mr Ecclestone has agreed to join the board as a non-executive director. This is an unpaid position, but he hardly needs the money, does he?

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“The board meets most Friday nights in The Greyhound pub in Ipswich, and it is hoped Mr Ecclestone will be unveiled there soon. Staff have promised to install a milk crate so he can see over the bar.”

An associate of Mr Ecclestone said: “He is a very astute businessman, and he recognises the huge potential of the Suffolk Gazette. Even though many thought he would now be putting his feet up, he wants to give something back to local business.”

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The Queen seeks second home on Suffolk coast

The Editor
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The Queen seeks second home on Suffolk coast

EXCLUSIVE
By Jane Seymour, Royal Editor

The Queen is the latest wealthy Londoner to want a second home on the Suffolk coast, it has emerged.

She went on a secret trip last week to view properties in posh Aldeburgh and Thorpeness, including the wacky House in the Clouds – even though it is not for sale.

She was spotted by local resident Norman Quest, who said: “She had a good nose about and was particularly taken with the House in the Clouds, but was disappointed to learn it is not even on the market.”

The Royal couple were driven around by security men in a black Range Rover as they toured several properties in nearby Aldeburgh.

A Royal insider said: “They want a second home on the Suffolk coast but have not yet put any offers in. She thought the House in the Clouds was lovely, but it’s not on the market, and she would probably have struggled with all the stairs anyway.”

Aldeburgh is a haven for well-heeled Londoners, with most of the resort’s properties being owned by people from Fulham, Kensington and Chelsea. They all drive Range Rovers so the Royals would blend in seamlessly.

But not everyone is happy. Resident Frank Smith, 72, said: “These Londoners are just sending the prices sky high. Local young people cannot afford to buy a home in their own towns. Something needs to be done.”

Ipswich Town set transfer window alight by buying entire Lincoln team

The Editor
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Ipswich Town set transfer window alight by buying entire Lincoln team

By Suffolk Gazette Football Staff

Struggling Ipswich Town have delighted their long-suffering fans by snapping up ELEVEN players in just one day – with 12 days of the of the transfer window remaining.

The Tractor Boys paid £100,000 for every one of Lincoln’s players, who include forwards, midfielders, defenders and a goalkeeper, in a clinical swoop worth a total of £1.1 million.

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Under-fire club owner Marcus Evans dug deep to splash the cash and raise morale following this week’s humiliating FA Cup replay defeat at non-league Lincoln.

A club spokesman dismissed fears that buying so many players at once could unsettle team spirit.

“Nonsense,” he said. “They have all been bought from the same team so they know each other well. They are better than us, man for man, and will all go straight into the team that travels to Huddersfield this Saturday.”

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The spokesman explained Ipswich had watched the Lincoln team closely twice in recent weeks, and felt it was easier to buy the whole lot of them and simply get them to play for Ipswich instead.

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Suffolk Liberation Front celebrates Chinese deal by taking Lincoln

The Editor
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Suffolk Liberation Front celebrates Chinese deal by taking Lincoln

By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

The latest dispatch from the Suffolk Liberation Front reveals an incursion into Lincoln as well as a temporary evacuation of Great Yarmouth. In business news, there is talk of an unusual trade deal with China. And, as standard, there are veiled threats to the Suffolk Gazette Editor to publish this dispatch… or face the consequences.

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Sir,
First of all a thank you for publishing our regular news updates – it prevents us from having to visit The Greyhound and asking you why you’re not printing them. We might also take you to the frontline after visiting your palatial home to check for any Norfolk fighters or sympathisers, which would mean taking your home down brick by brick and leaving it in a pile of rubble. By printing our updates you continue to prevent this. For now.

Apologies for the late news update but here is the news from the Suffolk Liberation Front.

During last weekend’s storms we withdrew our forces from Great Yarmouth (to safeguard them) and left the Norfolk residents to their own fate; this created such a power vacuum in the town that the British Army had to be rushed in to stop the peasants looting what little they had left, and burning their own hovels. We took the town back from a grateful British Army, who begged us never to withdraw from the town again. The official line was the army were there to help with the floods.

Suffolk Liberation Front in LincolnA proud member of the Suffolk Liberation Front in Lincoln

We also sent a significant part of our force to Lincoln on Tuesday to ensure the safety of the brave football supporters who went there to take on a gang of fishmongers, butchers and Lincolnshire peasants. We took Lincoln without firing a shot, and are continuing to loot the city before returning home victorious. There were some rumblings about a cup, so the SLF has ordered the destruction of any cups or mugs found there.

We continue to advance into Norfolk. Only last Sunday a brave group of the SLF drove towards Norwich and turned into a dark country lane off the A140, and went for miles into the countryside to a SLF safe house where we discussed tactics and further incursion with our agents there. The stage is set and we intend on moving north and west so as to encircle Norwich further. We don’t encounter much resistance from the pitchforks as we have new weapons now for reasons that will become apparent.

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By far the biggest news is that we are currently negotiating directly with the Chinese government. We are asking for investment funds and fighters from them, so far they have armed us with a lot of weapons, vehicles and artillery, in return we are offering them slaves from Norfolk to work in their sweatshops and also the chance to operate slave camps, factories and sweatshops in Norfolk once we have invaded, bypassing the pesky Chinese anti-pollution laws which they have. It looks like we have a deal, the Chinese version of the tactical nuclear warhead will be very useful for taking down Kings Lynn.

We have a also found nuclear weapons left by the Americans in an underground bunker in Rendlesham Forest, which we have tested against Sheringham and found to be still quite lethal, so we hope Norfolk will capitulate quickly and that we can all retire to the Carribean go to a training base with you, The Editor, where we can administrate an independent Suffolk via Skype.

We are united, we are Suffolk.

Sincerely,

Suffolk Liberation Front
Commanding Officer

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Britain’s homeless saddened by courgette shortage

The Editor
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Britain’s homeless saddened by courgette shortage

Britain’s homeless were saddened today by news that a courgette crisis is sweeping the country.

Poor weather has affected the harvest of the tasty green veg across Southern Europe – and experts warn aubergines could be hit next.

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The awful news spread across social media this morning, and now the country’s homeless have joined the discussion.

Warren Smith, 36, a homeless man in Suffolk, said: “This really is awful. The idea that some middle-class family can not get hold of courgettes is heartbreaking.”

Speaking from his freezing shop doorway while being forced to beg for change to buy something to eat, he added: “I dare not even think what it would be like for Waitrose shoppers if aubergines are next.”

Courgette shortagePricey: UK shoppers aghast at courgette supply horror

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Retail experts said the price of courgettes had quadrupled, making life particularly hard for middle-class shoppers across Britain.

One man, Jordan Williams, 27, said: “I like to eat healthily between visits to the gym and barbers, and don’t know how I will cope without courgettes.”

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Ipswich to concentrate on relegation after FA Cup humiliation

The Editor
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Ipswich to concentrate on relegation after FA Cup humiliation

Mick McCarthy

Gutless Ipswich Town can now concentrate on relegation after being embarrassingly dumped out of the FA Cup by non-league Lincoln City.

Mick McCarthy’s team were spineless and could not string two passes together all night, allowing an overweight Lincoln bloke with a comb-over to bully and outplay them on the pitch.

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The shocking 1-0 defeat – widely predicted by this newspaper – means Ipswich can now concentrate on getting relegated from the Championship for the first time in their record-breaking 15-year stay.

Last weekend’s shock win against Blackburn put an unlikely ten points between Ipswich and the drop zone – but now the distraction of the Cup is over, that gap will soon close.

A member of McCarthy’s backroom staff said: “Mick hates the Cup – it gets in the way of insipid League performances inspired by the manager being unable to motivate the team. Now we can concentrate properly on our relegation battle.”

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Fans are furious. One said: “We played 5-3-2 against a non-league team, and two of the midfielders were defensive, meaning 7 of our 10 outfield players would not recognise an attacking move if it slapped them in the face.

“We have now lost in the 3rd round every year since 2010 – so at least we’re showing some consistency.”

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