Thursday, April 3, 2025
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Worzel Gummidge Suffolk road signs anger

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welcome to suffolk sign

By Suffolk Gazette Staff

Expensive new road signs welcoming visitors to Suffolk have not gone down well with residents.

Suffolk County Council has paid £25,000 for four new signs featuring television favourite Worzel Gummidge, the lovable scarecrow.

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The signs have been erected on the county border on the side of the A12, A14, A140 and A134, and council chiefs claim they give a friendly impression to visitors.

A council spokesman said: “The old Suffolk signs were quite boring. They featured a coat of arms nobody even knew existed. But everyone knows Worzel Gummidge and people outside of the county think that’s what we’re all like. It was a perfect fit and will boost tourism.”

That view is not shared by many locals, however. Suffolk Gazette reader Jon Pertwee, of Framlingham, got in touch to say Worzel Gummidge was not an appropriate figurehead for Suffolk.

“It’s just ridiculing us,” he fumed. “We should instead have a famous local person there, like Benjamin Britten or Cardinal Wolsey. Or Ed Sheeran.”

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Norfolk insists: we want our county back

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By Ian Bred, Norfolk Reporter

Norfolk residents are discussing what the future holds now that the county has decided to break away from Suffolk.

Following the overwhelming Noxit vote for independence from East Anglia, locals are determined to stand on their own webbed feet.

Noxit spokesman Lurch Addams, a turnip sexer from Geldeston, said: “It’s time that we take back control from those unelected burocates, byooyo, bureocrates people in Suffolk telling us what we can do.

“We have had enough of those metropolitan elite inerlectuals in Beccles thinking they are better and clevererer than us.

“And as for the foreigners over the border, Suffolk types don’t know our ways and customs. As I was telling my sister and our children the other night…”

Suffolk leaders said they were not too concerned about the Norfolk Noxit vote. A spokesman told the Suffolk Gazette: “They do not have the infrastructure to trade globally. Their shipping routes are prehistoric compared to Felixstowe.”

norfolk shipping lanesDated: Norfolk shipping lanes will struggle for business
The spokesman added: “They will find no one wants to do trade deals for their Lotus cars, turkeys and mustard. They will soon be back begging Suffolk for support like they have done for centuries.”

Who was masked man who sabotaged Sir Richard Branson’s bike?

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Mystery masked manCCTV images show this masked man tampering with Sir Richard Branson’s bike

EXCLUSIVE
By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Police in the British Virgin Islands are hunting a mystery masked man who was seen tampering with tycoon Sir Richard Branson’s bicycle just hours before a horror crash left him badly injured.

CCTV footage reveals an elderly white-bearded man wearing a mask to hide his face as he sat on a fence allegedly sabotaging the brakes on Sir Richard’s road bike.

Hours later, the multi-millionaire “feared for his life” after crashing head-first onto the tarmac as he came down a steep hill.

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A local detective said: “We wish to speak with the gentleman caught on camera with Sir Richard Branson’s bike on Thursday. He wore a disguise to cover his face up, but we believe someone out there must know who he is.”

The crash ended a tumultuous week for Virgin boss Sir Richard, who was embroiled in a bitter row with British Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn after he claimed he had to sit on the floor of a Virgin train because it was “ram-packed”.

But Sir Richard, who is in training for an endurance bike challenge, released train video footage which appeared to show Mr Corbyn walking past empty seats before filming himself sitting on the floor.

Sir Richard suffered a cracked cheek, torn ligaments and severe cuts and bruises from the crash, but remained in good spirits and posted this photo on the Virgin website:

sir richard branson bike crashBruising political encounter: Sir Richard after his smash

Mr Corbyn is also a keen cyclist who knows his way around the mechanics of a bicycle. The Suffolk Gazette tried to contact him for a comment but a Labour insider revealed he is “currently in the Caribbean area” on personal business.

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James Hunt stars with Morecambe and Wise in Texaco ads

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Formula One world champion James Hunt starred with Morecambe and Wise in these two classic television ads for Texaco back in 1977.

They stand the test of time and are good enough to raise a giggle today – nearly FORTY years on!

So even if you’re too young to remember Hunt, who won the world championship in 1976, or even Eric and Ernie, you’ll still enjoy them.

Here’s advert number one:

Followed by number two:

Suffolk Police hunting green-fingered pervert

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in my lady garden

My Lady Garden was taped off as a crime scene this week after Suffolk’s own Special Branch put out an alert for a fruit-n-veg pervert. I’m sorry, dear readers, to lower the tone of our cosy column, but your clues could help finger the man known as the Fruit Fecker of Fakenham.

Imagine my shock when I discovered that my whopping prize specimen had been violated in the strawberry bed. Someone had been trifling with my soft fruit but all I saw was a man in a shabby mac (yes, in a heatwave,too!) running away in the distance shouting something about his strawberry shake.

strawberryFruity: someone took advantage of my strawberry

I’m afraid this type of offence is only too common.

Just last week, my fellow crime reporters on the Suffolk Gazette exposed the misdeeds of pumpkin-poking Ralph Bishop, who got his comeuppance from Ipswich magistrates for a lewd act in a farmer’s field.

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People like him should be locked up.

How do we know if they are working up the fruit and veg aisles of our cherished Waitrose? Is there a question on the job application form asking: “Have you ever ogled an Ogen melon, or been convicted of ANY Melony Felony, or shagged a strawberry or been drunk in charge of a Kumquat?”

So now the question is, was my Strawberry stroker Ralph Bishop or has he spawned a load of copycat produce-pokers?

Talking of fruit and vegetables, Old Mr Smee, who tends my grape vines in the lean-to, has been ordered to eat more of them (five a day, including chips) after he went into agony with one of his extremities going red and swollen.

gout foot

It turned out to be gout, and after a fortnight off the wine and upping his veg, his foot is like this:

carrot-foot

I have little sympathy for Mr Smee because I think he got his gouty foot by raiding my fermenting bottled grape juice and last year’s vintage of elderberry wine. I found him slumped against the pouffe and he admitted he had just had an early morning stiffener while watching Nigella lick a spoon on his phone.

Serves him right if he’s got a nasty case of Chateau La Feet.

You can make wine from all manner of things, including parsnips, but mostly they are vile, cloudy and give you more runs than Mo Farah at Rio.

But in some areas the blackberries are ripening and I can recommend making Blackberry Vodka.

Simply pick the fruit from the hedge, shove into an empty bottle and top up with Lidl Vodka. Their brand is £7.99 and is called Putinoff, because after a few large ones you will be Putinoff the weeding and watering and tucking into a family size bag of Doritos. Macerate your bottle (yes, I did spell that right) and enjoy in a month or two.

putinoff vodka

My favourite home-made falling-down juice is Sloe Gin. The sloes are already on the bushes but are better after a frost.

My recipe, which will be ready for a Christmas shopping steadier, is: One third sugar, which you put in an empty bottle first or you wont know what a third is, then a third fruit, then fill the bottle with gin.

Method: Prick the sloes with a thorn from the blackthorn tree the sloes grow on. Think of all the politicians and celebs you don’t like, and stab the sloes with the prickle as you pop them in the bottle.

Give it a good shake every day. And the bottle!

sloe ginRemember to make a label like mine

quick ginThis bottle is for emergency swigs only

Jobs to do this week

* Leave a packet of condoms near your pumpkins just in case.

* Plant shrubs. A favourite one for fragrance is mock orange (Philadelphus Virginal) which ironically smells like a brothel, so my husband tells me.

* Put a drizzle of Gromore into your watering can and give those containers and hanging baskets a bit of goodness and a good drenching during this hot spell.

* Harvest your runner beans before they go tough and stringy like Therese May.

Now for the answers to your questions

* Nobby C from Stowmarket: Yes, even if the kiddies have piddled in the paddling pool you can reuse the water on your leaks.

* Jemima from Drinkstone: It might have been more sensible to have your three bottles of Aspall cider and a spliff AFTER trying out your new power mower. Little can be done about your prang now but your neighbour probably knows there is a BMW repair shop in Ipswich.

* Mr R B from Fakenham: I am no expert at these matters but i did hear somewhere that people heat the melons in the microwave first.

Have a good weekend!
anita-bush-signature

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Face of Donald Trump appears on Aldeburgh scallop

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donald trump aldeburgh scallop

EXCLUSIVE
By Peter Grimes, Aldeburgh Reporter

American tourists are flocking to Aldeburgh after the face of Donald Trump appeared mysteriously on the town’s famous scallop beach sculpture.

Trump supporters see the extraordinary image as a “miracle” – and a sign that the controversial republican will sweep into the White House this November.

But residents in the posh Edwardian town say Trump’s face has somehow been painted on the metal scallop – and is simply a publicity stunt for his garish new resort at Aldeburgh Golf Club.

Visitor Lionel Johnson Jr., 57, from Texas insists the sculpture is a message from the heavens. “It really is a sign from our Lord that Donald Trump is going to win the election in November.

“If he can appear successfully on a giant scallop, he can do anything.”

Mr Johnson was one of five coachloads of Americans to stop off at Aldeburgh beach yesterday alone, and Suffolk Police are considering diversions around the area to prevent traffic gridlock.

The sculpture was created by artist Maggi Hambling and has been on Aldeburgh beach since 2003. It has proved controversial and been vandalised at least a dozen times, and now campaigners have more of a reason to hate it.

Retired army major Anthony Frost told the Suffolk Gazette: “Now Trump’s image has mysteriously appeared on the scallop, we really do have to knock it down. It spoils the beach, and his face is frightening small children.”

Jeremy Corbyn sat on train roof because service ‘too packed’

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EXCLUSIVE
By Casey Jones, Railways Correspondent

jeremy corbyn sitting on train

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has claimed a Greater Anglia train service from Ipswich was so packed that he had to sit on the roof.

Mr Corbyn claimed he could not find a seat on the 7.30am commuter service from Ipswich to London, so he climbed up on top of the engine and sat there instead.

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He then got one of his aides to take a photograph, and released a statement alleging the “overcrowded” train was symptomatic of a broken rail service that should be nationalised again.

But Greater Anglia hit back, saying there were plenty of spare seats on the train, and Mr Corbyn was simply trying to make political capital.

The row comes just a day after Virgin Trains denied its service from Kings Cross was so packed that Mr Corbyn had to sit on the floor for part of the journey.

An Ipswich commuter said: “I arrived at the station and couldn’t believe my eyes – Mr Corbyn was sitting on top of the engine in Platform 2. I thought I was still drunk from the previous night.”

A British Transport Police spokesman was not impressed. He said: “It was totally irresponsible. We do not recommend passengers sit on top of the roof because they might fall off.

“Plus they are likely to be decapitated the moment the train enters the tunnel just outside Ipswich Station.”

Labour leadership rival Owen Smith told the Suffolk Gazette: “That bloke is a lunatic.”

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Brave cop decorated after recovering stolen paint

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By Rob Banks, Crime Editor

A brave cop who caught a lorry packed with stolen paint has now been decorated.

PC Matt Coates was on duty on the A14 near Stowmarket when he received a call about the theft of a blue Scania truck and 50,000 cans of Dulux from nearby Claydon.

He spotted the stolen lorry moments later and managed to overtake it and then block the carriageway before forcing the driver to give himself up.

A spokesman for Suffolk Police said: “The owners of the paint were grateful and nominated PC Coates to be decorated for his bravery.

“PC Coates is a modest chap and tried to gloss over it, but we could tell he was quite emulsional because it was his first arrest.”

The spokesman added that PC Coates, 28, later celebrated his award by “getting plastered” with his mates.

And following his brush with the law, robber Derek Smith, 63, from London, was jailed for six months at Ipswich Crown Court.

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