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Fury as Kim Jong-un detonates Sizewell nuclear blast

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By Our Foreign Affairs Staff

North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un caused outrage today by setting off a huge nuclear explosion while holidaying in his caravan on the Suffolk coast.

The despot feasted last night on a tasty-but-spicy curry at an Indian restaurant in Leiston, and was still suffering the consequences when he woke up in his caravan at Sizewell this morning.

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Rather than stink the place out, he wandered down to the beach, which is popular with holidaymakers and dog walkers, to set off the explosion towards the North Sea.

But the resulting blast, captured on film and passed to the Suffolk Gazette by a concerned reader, was so huge it registered a 5.3 magnitude tremor, while the vindaloo and onion bhaji fallout is still being felt as far away as Aldeburgh and Southwold.

Kim Jong Un nuclear explosion in Suffolk

World leaders were furious, threatening further sanctions against the rogue state. Even China, a long-term ally of North Korea, has now seemingly turned its nose up.

The Suffolk Gazette revealed last year how Mr Jong-Un had purchased a caravan at Sizewell after falling in love the area during a secret visit to the local power station.

Our Editor even got an exclusive interview with Kim Jong-Un, where he backed the leadership of good comrade Jeremy Corbyn.

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Up to now he has enjoyed peace and quiet on his trips to Suffolk, with his secret service ensuring he was not bothered by inquisitive locals.

However that may now change, with an action group being created to monitor all Kim Jong-Un’s movements, particularly after a curry.

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We catch Keith Vaz with 22-year-old escort

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Keith Vaz escort

EXCLUSIVE
By Our Investigations Team

Shamed MP Keith Vaz is today exposed trying to get his hands on ANOTHER 22-year-old escort.

Our team watched from the bushes as he made overtures to the model outside his London flat, where he was caught last week allegedly paying male prostitutes for sex.

Mr Vaz, 59, resigned yesterday as chairman of the influential Home Affairs Committee after reports of his liaison with male escorts. He had allegedly asked them to bring along ‘poppers’ drugs – and was said to have offered to buy them cocaine.

He told the men he was a washing machine salesman called Jim, prompting another exclusive in the Suffolk Gazette that he had subsequently endorsed Vaz Washing Powder.

Married with two children, the Leicester MP blamed the Sunday Mirror newspaper for gutter journalism, while Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn implied it was a “private matter”.

But this exclusive Suffolk Gazette photograph reveals Mr Vaz absolutely does have a fondness for escorts in their 20s. There is no suggestion he did anything wrong with the car.

A trade insider described the escort as a “real goer” and “very reliable” – in other words, it would not sell its story to the newspapers.

My modern-day version of Harvest Festival favourite

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in my lady garden

Phew! What a busy few weeks for those of us harvesting our allotments. Our beans went bananas, our spuds are bursting forth, the tomatoes are heading for a glut and our marrows are swelling like a rent boy in an MP’s flat.

Not only that but it’s time to get in the winter pansies!

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Keen gardeners are pickling their beetroot, making jams and chutneys, bottling their gherkins and storing the apples and pears.

In Suffolk, the tractors have been working under floodlights to bring in the crops. I celebrated with a lovely Harvest Festival of sweet and sour pork and egg-fried rice.

harvest-festivalBountiful: Just look at my harvest

What a time for us to count our blessings! It reminds me of the old belter We Plough the Fields and Scatter, which was set to music in 1800 and is still one of the most performed hymns in the United Kingdom.

Between culling the courgettes and picking the peppers, I rewrote the words to bring it more up to date.

Please sing out loud after a few jars of Adnams, and I’m sure it will be good for your soul. All together now…

We plough the fields and scatter our bottles on the land,
We water our begonias, extended hose in hand.
We get the snow in winter and warmth to swell the grain,
And if we get our hair done, it pisses down with rain.

(Chorus)
All good gifts around us,
from Amazon online,
Oh Thankyou Lord, for all the beer
And all the chilled white wine.

We buy our plants from Wyevale or go to B &Q,
Together with some charcoal lumps, to do our barbecue.
We get the Busy-Lizzies to do the flowerbed,
Then nip along to Tesco… to buy our daily bread.

(Chorus)

We love our ride-on mowers: they cut the grass so good,
Unless we got the Astro Turf to trick the neighbourhood.
We sprinkle round the Weedol, the nettles for to kill,
We thank you for our nights out.. and morning-after pill.

(Chorus, and another beer)

We plough the fields and natter, about last night’s TV.
Like Poldark with his scythe out, or her on ITV,
We get the snow in winter, then warmth to swell the grain,
We get a shite hangover, then do it all again.

(Rousing chorus: sing so loud it hurts)

With all these award-winning lyrics, and being kept awake by tractors, I seek your forgiveness, dear readers, for not giving you my usual advice. Or answering your problems.

Apart from this one:

* K V from Leicestershire: your compost heap certainly does seem attention. I would shred some copies of the Sunday Mirror and add it to the mix. Urinating on it, which adds nutrients, might make it all a bit better.

See you soon,

Anita, la la la la la la la la. x x x

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Suffolk man shunned for running off with Norfolk ‘broad’

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A country boy from Suffolk has sung of his heartache after being shunned by his family because he moved in with a Norfolk ‘broad’.

Chuck Cash, together with his Fenland Cowboys have made a song highlighting the terrible choice he had to make – because running off with a woman from *that* county would leave him a Suffolk outcast.

You can watch the song Suffolkation below, although it’s likely Mr Cash, from Newmarket, chose the model in the video to significantly improve the appearance of his woman…

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Sex scandal MP Keith Vaz backs new washing powder

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Keith Vaz washing powder

EXCLUSIVE
By Our Political Staff

Shamed sex scandal MP Keith Vaz, who claimed to be a washing machine salesman while allegedly paying rent boys for sex, has endorsed a new washing powder in a bid to clean up his reputation.

He hopes new VAZ will make him whiter than white and remove any stains from his character.

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The Leicester MP, who is married with two children, allegedly took male escorts back to his London flat and asked them to bring a sex drug, according to the Sunday Mirror.

He is now expected to resign as chairman of the Home Affairs Select Committee, although he insists the allegations in the newspaper have been passed to his solicitor.

Meanwhile, he has been quick to rush out his new product VAZ, which will be manufactured at an industrial estate in Needham Market, Suffolk.

Mr Vaz, 59, will market the powder by doing a ‘doorstep challenge’ offering people the chance to make a fresh start by swapping their usual washing powder for a packet of VAZ.

He got the idea after allegedly being taped telling a rent boy that his name was Jim and he sold industrial washing machines to hotels.

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Game of Thrones to be filmed on Norfolk border

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Game of Thrones Norfolk
Exciting: Scenes like this will be common on the Norfolk border

Television blockbuster Game of Thrones is moving to the Norfolk border where there is a ready supply of strange creatures.

Producers of the series, which is watched by millions worldwide, were said to be impressed by the wall being built along the county border to keep Norfolk people out of Suffolk.

With a scattering of fake snow, it will soon resemble the ‘Wall’ which marks the northern limit of civilization protected by Jon Snow’s Nightwatch against hoards of marauding wildings, dire wolves, white walkers, giants and other mythical creatures.

Huge savings on computer generated imagery will be possible as many of these creatures are believed to actually still live in Norfolk. Some claim to have seen dragons in the blackened wastes beyond Diss, but sceptics put this down to overindulgence in turnip hooch, the highly flammable tipple of choice in those parts.

Better known to us as country bumpkins, many of the locals in Norfolk have been offered parts as wildings. They need no make up, wardrobe or prosthetic extra fingers, saving even more cash for the production team.

The character Craster has over 30 wives, many of whom are his own daughters and casting has previously proved to be a problem. But no more! In Norfolk there are numerous similar family groups.

Rattleshirt, the Lord of Bones along with Tormund Giantsbane were found in a pub in Dereham where many of the locals were rumoured to be snarks and skin shifters. Sufficient body doubles for the dwarf Tyrion Lannister have been found but hard-up locals are still being urged to contact the production company for work as extras.

Barleywood studios near Beccles is gearing up for filming to begin later this year, and several stars of the show have been seen looking for digs around Saxmundham. Kit Harrington, who plays the heroic Jon Snow, was spotted enjoying a pint in the Bell Hotel along with scheming Margaery Tyrell – played by Natalie Dormer.

Police called after old ladies clash while picking blackberries

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By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Suffolk Police were called when two elderly ladies clashed while picking blackberries in a country lane.

The pair had turned up in Sandy Lane, Bulmer at roughly the same time on Wednesday to pick the juicy, ripened fruit from the public hedgerows.

But they came to blows when both claimed to have got their first.

Rural protocol dictates that the first picker on the scene gets the first choice of hedge.

However, the two women, named locally as Margaret Simpson, 79, and 83-year-old Viv Steele refused to back down and squared up to each other.

There was a shouting match, and then it is alleged Mrs Simpson pushed her rival into the hedge. Shocked, but otherwise unhurt, Mrs Steele responded by whacking Mrs Simpson on the back with her wicker basket.

The astonishing scenes were witnessed by a passing motorist, who called police fearing the argument could get totally out of hand.

Sandy Lane BulmerSilly old fruits: two pensioners came to blows while picking blackberries here 
Officers raced from nearby Sudbury but found the pair had already come to their senses.

A police spokesman said: “They had made up and decided to work together to pick the fruit in the lane then divide it between themselves afterwards.

“Our constables spoke to them and reminded them about the need to keep the peace, and offered a little advice that folk of their age should be setting an example. At least it ended well enough.”

Police did not charge either of the women.

Blackberry picking becomes fierce at this time of year when country folk gather the berries to use in homemade jams and pies. Pickers usually operate on opposite sides of the road to avoid conflict.

Suffolk Gazette tracks down Aldeburgh cat burglar

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Rob Banks, Crime Editor

Golfers at one of Suffolk’s poshest courses have been warned about a “large brown coloured Burmese cat” which is stealing golf balls from the 14th hole.

A genuine letter on Aldeburgh Golf Club’s noticeboard highlights a local rule that can be employed to replace the ball with no penalty.

But while that maintains fairness on the fairways, there seems to be no attempt to catch the cat burglar who is clearly terrorising members.

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It seemed an ideal mystery for our investigations unit to solve. At first they failed to find a fiendish feline on the course, but they did soon track down other cats they hoped could help them.

Near the Moot Hall they bumped into Trevor, who was drinking alone at the popular Mill Inn pub.

Cat is drunk at Aldeburgh pubClever Trevor: so drunk he could hardly stand on his own four feet

Trevor was on his fourth pint of Adnams when we found him, and was having trouble seeing straight. “I don’t even know what golf is,” he said in a loud and increasingly agitated voice. “Did you just spill my beer?”

He was not making much sense and demanded to know what our cameraman was looking at. Thankfully, the landlord stepped in before there was a cat fight.

We left promptly and headed for the beach, where many people were enjoying the afternoon sun. Lazing about on a deck chair was Colin, who was ginger and therefore risking terrible sunstroke.

Cat nap on Aldeburgh beachCat nap: Colin catches forty winks but should have worn a hat

Colin did not believe he had heard of the trouble on the golf course, but he did warn us against trying to talk to a boss-eyed cat called Trevor. “He’s trouble,” Colin said, unaware we had already come within a whisker of fighting him.

Further up the beach was Delilah, who was busy guarding the famous scallop sculpture created by Maggi Hambling in honour of Benjamin Britten.

cat playing on the scallop sculpture at AldeburghWhy, why, why? Delilah on the scallop

“Have you come to deface the scallop?” Delilah demanded as we approached. “Of course not,” our Editor said as the team stopped in its tracks, before adding: “Surely nobody would do such a thing?”

“Well, it’s not unusual,” replied Delilah, who was originally from Wales but moved to Aldeburgh with her owner, a Mr T Jones.

Delilah had not even heard of Aldeburgh Golf Club, but advised us to try Larry, who would likely be getting his lunch from the famous Aldeburgh fish and chip shop.

Sure enough, we found Larry leaving the premises with his grub.

Cat gets fish and chips in AldeburghCatfish and chips: Larry leaving posh chippie

To our delight, Larry said he knew the cat burglar – and would even take us to him… so long as we paid for his meal. It was a small price to pay for exposing the Aldeburgh criminal mastermind, and our team would claim it on expenses anyway.

After finishing his food and having a wash (he did not offer the Suffolk Gazette team a single chip), Larry led us to the 14th hole at the golf course.

He made a quick phone call and within minutes a shifty moggie appeared with a swagger. He was indeed a large, brown-coloured Burmese cat, and the fact that he was wearing a mask to disguise his identity, and had a large basket of golf balls, led us to believe we had found our man.

cat burglar Aldeburgh Golf ClubBasket case: masked thief poses arrogantly in full view of the club house

“It’s just a bit of harmless fun,” said Dave (not his real name). “I pinch a ball and then watch from the rough as a human wearing ridiculous clothing gets very cross.”

Dave said he now had a collection of over 450 golf balls hidden in his shed, but admitted he had no idea what to do with them.

“They are not much fun,” he said. “They just sit there. But I’m always on the lookout for more.”

In return for posing for this exclusive photograph, our reporters promised not to turn Dave in to Aldeburgh Golf Club secretary Bill Beckett.

But our dossier is available for Suffolk Police should they wish to investigate further.

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