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Traffic police offer free BJs to slow down speeding motorists

The Editor
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Traffic police offer free BJs to slow down speeding motorists
Traffic police offer free BJs to slow down speeding motorists
Traffic police offer free BJs to slow down speeding motorists

STOWMARKET, SUFFOLK – Suffolk Police have taken an unconventional approach to tackle speeding motorists. Unveiling a bold new campaign designed to grab drivers’ attention and encourage them to slow down.

By Crime Editor: Rob Banks

On the A14 approach to Stowmarket, speeding motorists are greeted with a n eye-catching sign that reads: “FREE BLOWJOB. Now that we have your attention, slow the f*** down!”.

There are already some road signs erected around the rural area.

The no-nonsense language certainly leaves little to the imagination, but officers are confident it’s having the desired effect.

Speeding sucks

Acknowledging that some residents might find the explicit language offensive, the Police defend their choice, emphasizing that the primary goal is to promote road safety, and it seems that their tactics are paying off.

Reports suggest that passing male motorists, prone to speeding more than their female counterparts, have been hitting the brakes at the mere mention of a “free blowjob.” Some have even slowed down to a crawl, cautiously eyeing the roadside for any signs of this unexpected offer.

The campaign has sparked a flurry of reactions on social media, with many commending the police for their creativity and smutty humour.

Some particularly pervy speeding motorists have even suggested expanding the initiative to include a full shag to eradicate speeding altogether.

Meanwhile: Angry driver caught speeding seven times on trip to get milk

Sewage Water Research Centre scientist bangs the clean water drum

The Editor
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Sewage Water Research Centre scientist bangs the clean water drum
Sewage scientist bangs the clean water drum

SWINDON, UK – Andrew Drinkwater, Principal Engineer of sewerage, pollution, and flooding at The Water Research Centre in Swindon, may not have become the rock drummer he once dreamed of, but he’s certainly making waves in the sexy world of water management.

In an exclusive interview with the SUFFOLK GAZETTE, Drinkwater revealed how his childhood ambition to emulate the legendary John Bonham of Led Zeppelin fame never quite materialized. “I had the hair, the drum kit, and even the Zeppelin posters plastered on my bedroom walls,” Drinkwater reminisced, “but alas, the rock’n’roll gods had other plans.”

Water under the bridge

Undeterred by his failed rockstar aspirations, Drinkwater redirected his talents towards a more aqueous endeavour. “I realized that my destiny was pre-determined by my surname,” he explained, “so I decided to dive headfirst into the world of water.”

After trading his drumsticks for textbooks, Drinkwater immersed himself in the study of physics, chemistry, and water technology. This pivot proved fortuitous, leading to a distinguished 40-year career as the UK’s foremost expert on drinking water.

Water Research Centre priorities

Today, Drinkwater occupies a pivotal role at The Water Research Centre, where he plays a critical role in safeguarding public health, protecting the environment, and enhancing community resilience against water-related challenges and hazards. “It’s not quite rocking out on stage with a guitar solo,” Drinkwater admitted, “but ensuring safe, clean drinking water for all is a noble pursuit in its own right.”

Despite his short-lived brush with the world of rock music, Drinkwater remains ever mindful of his musical roots. “Sometimes,” he confessed with a wistful smile, “I stick on my favourite  Led Zep tracks like, ‘Fool in the Rain’, ‘The Ocean’, and ‘The Rain song’, while I’m working in the laboratory!”

With his expertise and passion, Andrew Drinkwater continues to make a splash in the world of water management, proving that sometimes, the road to fame may lie along an unexpected path … or river.

Meanwhile: Sports Direct mugs flood warning

Lesbo-porn addict Jeremy Clarkson rejects ‘homophobe’ slur

The Editor
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Lesbo-porn addict Jeremy Clarkson rejects ‘homophobe’ slur
Lesbo-porn addict Jeremy Clarkson rejects ‘homophobe’ slur
Lesbo-porn addict Jeremy Clarkson rejects ‘homophobe’ slur

TV LAND, ENGLAND – Jeremy Clarkson, famed presenter of The Grand Tour, has found himself embroiled in a storm of accusations after remarks made on the show sparked allegations of homophobia.

By Entertainment Editor: Arthur Pint

Singer-songwriter Will Young, not one to mince his words, took aim at Clarkson and his co-presenters Richard Hammond and James May, accusing them of perpetuating offensive stereotypes of gay men a.k.a. ‘arse bandits’.

The contentious comments arose during the show’s third season, episode two, when May suggested that Jeep Wranglers were “very popular with the gay community.” Hammond chimed in, suggesting Clarkson accessorize with “some nice chaps” to match the car. Adding fuel to the fire, Clarkson himself made a jest about the LGBT initialism, humorously asking, “What is it, lesbian, bacon, transgender?”

Lez be friends

Clarkson, known for his unfiltered opinions, responded to the accusations in his regular newspaper column. While offering a quasi-apology to Young for any distress caused, he adamantly denied being homophobic, citing his enjoyment of “watching lesbians on the internet” as evidence to the contrary.

Jeremy Clarkson homophobe

In a bizarre twist, pro driver Abbie Eaton came to the defence of the show and its hosts by posting a photo of herself kissing her girlfriend, captioned with a tongue-in-cheek remark about having a “gay” as their driver.

This isn’t the first time The Grand Tour trio has found themselves in hot water over controversial comments. In 2017, Hammond faced backlash after insinuating that only gay men eat ice cream, causing uproar and accusations of insensitivity.

Meanwhile: Jeremy Clarkson ‘possibly’ fired from ‘Millionaire’ after losing million-pound question on farm

Itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow pothole bikini – Holiday Resort

The Editor
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Itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow pothole bikini – Holiday Resort
Itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow pothole bikini – Holiday Resort

CAMPSEA ASHE, UK –  The Suffolk countryside has revealed a secret Lilliputian holiday resort nestled snugly inside a modest 12-inch pothole.

By Norfolk Reporter: Ian Bred

Local villager, Mrs. Lorainne Fisher, made the incredible discovery as she pedalled her way through the idyllic village of Campsea Ashe on a routine trip to the shops.

The secret holiday resort

As Mrs Fisher’s bicycle veered close to the pothole, a tiny yell of “Mum. Can I have an ice cream?” compelled her to investigate further. Disembarking from her bicycle, she peered into the depths of the seemingly ordinary pothole. Only to be greeted by an extraordinary sight – a bustling microcosm of seaside leisure and relaxation.

Off on their holes

Within the confines of the pothole lay a picturesque beach scene. Complete with golden sands, azure waves, swaying palm trees, and miniature holidaymakers basking in the warm afternoon sun.

Tiny surfers rode miniature waves with gusto, while sunbathers lounged contentedly on the minuscule shore, their joyful chatter barely audible to human ears.

The spectacle defied logic and left Mrs. Fisher pondering the origins of this enchanting miniature world. How had these Lilliputian holidaymakers stumbled upon their tiny paradise, nestled inconspicuously within the crevice of a pothole?

The discovery

News of the remarkable discovery spread quickly through the village, sparking wonder and speculation among residents. How had this tiny holiday resort come to be inside a pothole?

Some speculated it was the work of mischievous Chinese scientists, while others claim the Lilliputian Freedom Army (LFA). Which carried out a series of attacks on the British mainland in the cause of equal rights for tiny people in the 1970s, was holidaying at the resort.

Whatever the truth, as word of the tiny oasis spreads. Visitors are flocking to Campsea Ashe to catch a glimpse of the tiny beachgoers frolicking in their miniature paradise, blissfully unaware of the fascination they’ve sparked in the world above.

Meanwhile: Suffolk anglers celebrated urban fishing Championship

Blinded by the light! Suffolk Police car turn rainbow warrior

The Editor
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Blinded by the light! Suffolk Police car turn rainbow warrior
Blinded by the light! Suffolk Police car turn rainbow warrior

BURY ST EDMUNDS, SUFFOLK – In a move that has sparked fierce criticism. Suffolk police have ignited controversy by opting to decorate one of its cars in rainbow colours to demonstrate support for …wait for it …colour blind people!

By Crime Editor: Rob Banks

Suffolk Police’s decision to adorn a single vehicle out of its fleet of 320 cars with bright, rainbow colours was met with mixed reactions. While some praised the initiative as a step towards ‘inclusivity’. Others denounced it as a misallocation of resources and a pandering to identity politics.

Rainbow Police Car

The uproar began with a tweet from @NickNotLick, an organization purporting to defend taxpayers’ rights. Which alleged that the decision to paint the police car in rainbow hues was an unnecessary expense amidst budget constraints. The tweet, accompanied by a photo of the brightly painted vehicle, claimed that officers were pressured into the move but felt unable to voice their concerns for fear of repercussions from violent colour-blind activists.

Just catch criminals

While detractors argue that the unconventional livery represents a misalignment of police priorities and a politicization of law enforcement. Pride In Suffolk Site (P.I.S.S.) an organization that represents gay. Colour-blind Police officers in Suffolk, lauded the initiative as a tangible display of support and acceptance for marginalized communities.

In response to inquiries, Suffolk Police emphasized their commitment to inclusivity and their dedication to combatting hate crimes. Particularly those targeting people who struggle to tell red from brown.

As the debate rages on, it seems that even seemingly minor expenditures can ignite fervent discussion in an era of heightened scrutiny over woke policing and institutionalised colour-blindness.

Meanwhile: Leprechauns found dead in field, pot of gold missing

Horsepower of Ed Sheeran: Singer’s Music Sends Cavalry Horses Galloping in Panic!

The Editor
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Horsepower of Ed Sheeran: Singer’s Music Sends Cavalry Horses Galloping in Panic!
Horsepower of Ed Sheeran: Singer’s Music Sends Cavalry Horses Galloping in Panic!

CENTRAL LONDON  A morning exercise for seven Household Cavalry horses turned into a chaotic rampage through central London streets. Leaving a trail of injuries and damaged property. What triggered this unexpected frenzy? An Ed Sheeran song blaring from a nearby building site, according to eyewitness reports.

By Defence Editor: Doug Trench

The commotion began on Horse Guards Parade in Whitehall at around 8:40 am. As the cavalry horses, spooked by the loud, screeching music, bolted from their military riders. Pandemonium ensued as the horses galloped through bustling streets, colliding with vehicles and pedestrians along the way.

Cavalry Horses horror scene

In one harrowing incident near the Clermont Hotel on Buckingham Palace Road. A Household Cavalry soldier was thrown from his horse after it collided with a car. Witnesses described scenes of chaos and horror as the injured soldier lay on the ground, screaming in pain amid pools of blood.

Multiple collisions occurred, including a horse crashing into a double-decker bus and another into a black cab. Emergency services swiftly responded to the scenes, with paramedics tending to the injured and police working to contain the rampaging horses.

A load of old pony

The Metropolitan Police, alongside the Army, managed to corral the cavalry horses by 10:30 am, bringing an end to the two-hour ordeal. City of London Police assisted in the containment efforts, successfully capturing two horses near Limehouse on the Highway.

Amid the chaos, a silver Mercedes-Benz people carrier and other vehicles sustained damage, while a blue tarpaulin tent was erected to provide medical treatment to the injured soldier.

As the dust settles on this bizarre equine incident, questions linger about the dangers of playing Ed Sheeran’s ‘music’ in public.

Meanwhile: Abandoned horse waits in vain for sire to visit

‘Cheeky’ sausage dog rips off midget friend’s face

The Editor
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‘Cheeky’ sausage dog rips off midget friend’s face
‘Cheeky’ sausage dog rips off midget friend’s face
‘Cheeky’ sausage dog rips off midget friend’s face

Lorraine Fisher, a single mum from Ipswich, experienced a horrifying ordeal when she was viciously attacked by her friend’s pet sausage dog. Resulting in a devastating injury that has left her physically and emotionally scarred.

By Crime Editor: Rob Banks

Lorraine Fisher, who stands at just 3 feet 2 inches tall. She was enjoying a casual evening at her friend’s house when the friendly demeanour of Gnasher the dachshund suddenly turned aggressive.

In a swift and unexpected attack, the dog lunged at Lorraine’s face. Sinking its teeth into her cheek and tearing off a large chunk of tasty flesh.

The severity of the injury required extensive plastic surgery. Leaving Lorraine with a seven-inch scar across her previously beautiful face as well as profound emotional trauma. The ordeal has shattered her already meagre self-esteem. Making it difficult for her to even leave the house without wearing a cardboard box over her head.

Hole in one (cheek)

Compounding the distress, Fisher faces financial strain due to receiving only £50 a month in statutory sick pay. Which is insufficient to cover her bills, manicures and other living expenses. Unable to return to her job at a local mini-golf course due to the trauma and physical disfigurement. Fisher finds herself in a precarious financial situation.

Adding to the tragedy, it was revealed that the dachshund had previously attacked other, full-length humans, highlighting the negligence of her so-called ‘friend’ in failing to prevent such incidents. Despite the challenges she faces, Lorraine remains resilient with the unwavering support of her loved ones.

The harrowing sausage experience serves as a stark reminder of the profound and lasting impact of irresponsible pet ownership, underscoring the need for greater awareness and accountability in ensuring the safety of midgets, humans and animals alike.

Meanwhile: Seafront horror as man beats wife, child and policeman

Nike’s jersey design blunder blamed for England’s Football Flop

The Editor
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Nike’s jersey design blunder blamed for England’s Football Flop
Nike's jersey design blunder blamed for England's Football Flop
Nike’s jersey design blunder blamed for England’s Football Flop

WEMBLEY STADIUM, LONDON – England’s national football team faced embarrassment on the field after Nike’s new jersey strip design.

By Our Football Staff

The controversial new jersey featured a modified version of the iconic cross of St. George. With various shades of blue, purple, and red, stitched onto the back of the collar. Straying from the traditional red and white design.

Nike defended the move as a bid to “unite and inspire,”. But critics, including UK opposition leader Keir Starmer, slammed the alteration, insisting that the flag didn’t need changing.

Amid growing public outcry, Starmer condemned the decision. Emphasising the flag’s unifying significance and calling for a reversal of the design change. He also criticized the steep price tag of £124.99, urging a reduction in cost, a request which Nike completely ignored.

Turning in their graves

Nike faced mounting pressure to reconsider its stance, with Starmer’s sentiments echoed by other political figures and fans alike. The company issued a statement, expressing regret over any offence caused and emphasizing its intention to honour the heroes of England’s 1966 World Cup victory through the jersey’s design elements. A line of defence which left the Lions of ’66 turning in their graves.

The controversial Nike England jersey

However, the damage had been done, and England’s morale suffered as a result. The team’s disunited and uninspiring performance in the friendly matches only fueled the controversy further. With fans and pundits alike attributing the poor showing to Nike’s ill-conceived design choice affecting moral.

As debates raged on social media about the appropriateness of the altered flag design, two-faced politician, Labour’s Emily Thornberry criticized Nike’s decision, asking who only England’s flag and not other nation’s was changed. The debacle marked another misstep for Nike in its handling of England football apparel, following previous controversies surrounding jerseys availability during last year’s Women’s World Cup.

As the fallout from the flag fiasco continued, questions lingered over Nike’s future collaborations with English football, national team manager, Gareth Southgate thanked his lucky stars that for once, the blame for the latest England failures has been pinned on someone else.

Meanwhile: Aldi in a flap as branded flip-flops flop

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