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Sniff my sausage: Greggs launches own-brand aftershave

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Sniff my sausage: Greggs launches own-brand aftershave
Sniff my sausage: Greggs launches own-brand aftershave

Greggs Bakery, renowned for its delectable sausage rolls, has entered the smellies market with its branded fragrance for men: “Eau De Sausage.”

Consumer Correspondent: Colin Allcabs

The scent, which promises to capture the essence of Greggs’ iconic pastries. It has been set to take the world of perfumery by storm.

With its unmistakable aroma of delicious, freshly baked sausage rolls,. “Eau De Sausage” aims to appeal to fans of the popular bakery chain. Those who want to be permanently surrounded by the aroma of their favourite savoury treat.

Nation-wide stock availability

The new Eau De Sausage is available in selected retailers such as Harrods and Selfridges. As well as Greggs stores nationwide. “Eau De Sausage” is poised to challenge established celebrity-branded fragrances.

With names like Intimately Beckham and Cé Noir facing a stiff challenge from the allure of the pork-ponged perfume. Greggs is confident that its aromatic creation will sniff at the competition.

Atchoo!

The recipe for “Eau De Sausage” is shrouded in secrecy, with Greggs keeping the fragrance formula closely guarded. Much like the closely protected recipe for its beloved sausage rolls. Speculation abounds that white pepper is the key ingredient that contributes to the fragrance’s irresistible allure. Greggs remains tight-lipped on the matter.

Critics

Contemptuous Industry experts have expressed scepticism at Greggs’ foray into the world of posh fragrance. The appeal of a scent that evokes images of sweaty, working-class builders, scoffing savoury pastries rather than floral bouquets or exotic spices.

Others believe that the bold move could pay off, tapping into consumers’ fanatical appreciation of the iconic bakery chain.

Meanwhile: Greggs, the baker, is adding a new ‘vape-while-you-wait’ service to its offerings.

Suffolk farmer milks creation of pint-sized cow

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Suffolk farmer milks creation of pint-sized cow
Suffolk farmer milks creation of pint-sized cow

FRAMLINGHAM, SUFFOLK – Infamous Suffolk farmer Graeme Diggard, renowned for his eccentric agricultural experiments, has once again captured headlines by accidentally breeding a pint-sized cow.

Farming Correspondent (intern): Ivor Traktor

Suffolk farmer Diggard, a god in Suffolk farming circles, spent the past two decades diligently stretching his cattle to extraordinary lengths, resulting in a remarkable herd of 20-foot ‘long cows’ garnering admiration from locals and experts alike.

However, his latest foray into the world of bovine engineering has not unfolded as expected. Following a holiday to the Indian village of Vechoor, where he encountered the diminutive Vechur Cow, the smallest cattle breed in the world, Diggard sought to incorporate these petite creatures into his breeding program.

Despite his meticulous planning and ambition to create of a herd of cows valued for the larger amount of milk they produce relative to the amount of food they require – a peculiarity of the Vechur breed – the outcome has been less than satisfying. Instead of producing a herd of literal ‘milch cows’, Diggard’s efforts have yielded just one single tiny cow measuring a mere 11cm in height.

Pint half empty

In a candid admission of defeat, Diggard lamented, “Oi may have gaart moi calculations wrarng. You just caarn’t trust those solar-powered calculators in Suffolk. There simply ain’t enough sun in the day.” Admonishing himself with a loud slap of his forehead, he added: “I was aarfter more milk, naart smaller cows!”

As the Framlingham farming community digest their eccentric mentors’s milking mishap, one thing is for certain: Suffolk Farmer “Graeme Diggard” won’t cease in his pursuit of agricultural innovation, even if his latest venture has fallen short of expectations.

Meanwhile: Tractor sex man wanted to ‘scrub down’ machinery

Suffolk Council ‘taking the p*ss’ with new ‘transgender’ toilets

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Suffolk Council ‘taking the p*ss’ with new ‘transgender’ toilets

PUBLIC TOILETS, LOWESTOFT – In a fresh attack on the cowed men of Britain, feminist extremists on Suffolk Council have unveiled new “transgender toilets” on the Lowestoft seafront. However, the provocative public lavatories are causing more discomfort than convenience, particularly for male users.

Norfolk Reporter: Ian Bred

He-Wee

The controversy surrounds large printed images of women displayed prominently above the urinals. Instead of the usual serene seaside scenes or motivational quotes found in traditional lavvies.

Men now find themselves confronted with images of attractive women seemingly mocking their manhood. With smirks on their faces, pointing fingers, and exaggerated laughter. These larger-than-life images of women create a rather uncomfortable atmosphere for those trying to relieve themselves.

She-Wee

“It’s like they’re taking the p*ss out of us,” remarked one flustered beachgoer. Struggling to maintain his composure while fumbling with his flies. “I don’t need an audience every time I need to go!”

Indeed, the presence of these intimidating images has led to some rather awkward moments. EWith men feeling as though their every move is being scrutinized by the photogenic onlookers.

For those already struggling with stage fright or “weak flow,” the pressure is only heightened by the relentless gaze of the virtual women above.

Pee-Wee

Suffolk Council has defended its decision, stating that the aim was to promote inclusivity and diversity in public spaces. However, the backlash from users suggests that this particular approach may have missed the mark as widely as a wayward drunken slash.

Instead of fostering a welcoming environment for all. These facilities have become a source of embarrassment and discomfort for male users, especially those with minute cocks.

More transgender toilets

As the peak-pissing summer season approaches and the crowds flock to Lowestoft Seafront, it remains to be seen whether the (probably) lesbian councillors will address the concerns raised by its embittered male beachgoers or whether the men will, well …loos.

Meanwhile: Seafront horror as a man beats his wife, child and a policeman

Cardi B suffers ‘rap rip’ after Brazilian bum lift backfires

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Cardi B suffers ‘rap rip’ after Brazilian bum lift backfires

MANCHESTER, TENNESSEE – Cardi B, suffered a bum rap rip after a major wardrobe malfunction left her audience with a front-row view of her anus.

Entertainment Editor: Arthur Pint

The 26-year-old sensation, known for her electrifying performances. Twerked with such vigour at the Bonnaroo Arts and Music Festival that her jumpsuit ripped in time with the pounding riddim.

As Cardi B gyrated and grooved before the Tennessee crowd. Her multi-coloured jumpsuit could no longer withstand the power of her buttocks. Leading to a catastrophic zip split right on her back crack.

Spectators were treated to an unexpected close-up of her voluptuous arse as the garment gave up. Prompting a swift and discreet cover-up from the artist, who later donned a bathrobe to salvage her modesty.

Gown but not out

True to her professional nature, Cardi B refused to let the mishap derail her performance and soldiered on with her set. Taking to her Instagram account later, she shared snippets from the event. Including one clip where she sported a skimpy Gucci swimsuit and white knee-high boots, exuding confidence despite the wardrobe indiscretion.

Cardi B’s Rip performance

Continuing Cardi B rip-roaring performance, Cardi’s professionalism and resilience shone through as she entertained her fans. This time, with just the odd tit hanging out of her gown.

The incident follows a series of health challenges for the superstar rapper. Including complications from plastic surgery undertaken to enhance her appearance post-pregnancy. While doctors advised her to take a break and recuperate, Cardi’s determination to fulfil her commitments saw her disregarding medical advice to perform at earlier events.

With performances rescheduled and health concerns looming. Cardi B’s recent mishap serves as a cautionary reminder of the perils of artificially enhancing already sizeable tits and arses in pursuit of record sales.

Recently: US Rapper 50 Cent rebrands as 1 Pound in Britain

Meanwhile:

Star Wars legend R2-D2 found in real-life trash compactor

Star Wars legend R2-D2 found in real-life trash compactor

FELIXSTOWE, SUFFOLK – In a galaxy not that far away, the fate of a beloved droid has taken a tragic turn as the legendary Star Wars R2-D2 has been discovered unceremoniously dumped in a scrap metal yard on the industrial wasteland of Felixstowe, Suffolk.

The once illustrious robot, known affectionately as Artoo-Detoo, has captured the hearts of generations with his beeping antics and unwavering loyalty to his companions – especially the camp protocol droid, C-3PO.

From aiding the Rebel Alliance in their fight against the Empire to embarking on daring adventures with Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, Obi-Wan and Leia, R2-D2 has played a pivotal role in shaping the fate of the galaxy.

Rubble Alliance

However, his illustrious career has taken a sombre turn as he now lies abandoned amidst piles of rubble and discarded metal, his iconic blue and chrome livery stripped away and his ego as battered as his tarnished aluminium shell.

How R2-D2 ended up in such a sorry state remains a mystery. Some speculate that he may have crash-landed on Earth after ejecting from a damaged X-Wing fighter during a particularly harrowing space battle over England.

Fans of the beloved droid have been left in shock and dismay at the sight of their cherished hero reduced to scrap. Calls for justice and inquiries into his mistreatment have echoed across the galaxy, with many questioning how such an iconic symbol of hope could be left for dead in rusty obscurity.

Star Wars R2 D2 conspiracy

Another, darker theory suggests that C-3PO, always slightly dismissive of his more streetwise sidekick, Artoo, may have had a hand in his demise having once admonished him on camera with the words: “You’ll be malfunctioning within a day, you nearsighted scrap pile. And don’t let me catch you following me, begging for help, because you won’t get it.”

Meanwhile: Man sells Greater Anglia trains for scrap

Six Nations 2024: Tutu good Ireland leads Scots a merry dance

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Six Nations 2024: Tutu good Ireland leads Scots a merry dance

In a dramatic Six Nations 2024 showdown, Ireland emerged victorious against a Scottish team which entered the Dublin Aviva Stadium dressed in ballerinas’ tutus instead of their sports kit.

Football Correspondent: Bernie Legg

Date 16th March 2024 – SIX NATIONS
Ireland 17 Scotland 13
Tries: Sheehan, PorterHT 7-6Try: Jones
Pen: Crowley Pens: Russell 2
Cons: Crowley 2 Cons: Russell

The unusual wardrobe malfunction was attributed to a logistical error, with Scotland’s sports kit accidentally left behind in their homeland. In a desperate attempt to comply with regulations, the players were forced to don the only available attire – the tutus of a local ballet troupe.

Six Nations 2024 drama

Despite the sartorial setback, and endless derisive abuse from the home fans, the Scottish players showed remarkable resilience, holding off wave after wave of Irish attacks with balletic grace. Dan Sheehan’s try, flanked by two Finn Russell penalties, gave Ireland a slim lead at halftime, but Scotland’s unconventional defence kept them in the game.

As the second half unfolded, Ireland’s frustration grew as their attempts to breach the Scottish defence were repeatedly thwarted. Tadhg Furlong and Robbie Henshaw both had tries disallowed, while Calvin Nash and Garry Ringrose were denied by handling errors and stout Scottish defending.

Nutcracker

Due in part to the tightness of their leotards, Scotland’s resistance was finally broken when Andrew Porter crashed over for Ireland’s second try. Despite a late surge from Scotland, including a try from Huw Jones, Ireland held on to secure the victory and retain their Six Nations 2024 title.

Amid the chaos and confusion of the match, the image of Scotland’s players in tutus will undoubtedly go down in rugby folklore. While their kit may have been humiliating, their spirited performance on the field showcased the resilience and determination of the Scottish team.

As the Six Nations 2024 draws to a close, Ireland can celebrate their hard-fought victory, while Scotland must regroup and reflect on a campaign that promised much but ultimately ended in disappointment – albeit with a touch of unexpected flair.

Meanwhile:

Lowestoft’s Gull Wing Bridge renamed Gull Poo Bridge

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Lowestoft’s Gull Wing Bridge renamed Gull Poo Bridge

LAKE LOTHING, LOWESTOFT – In the latest twist to the ongoing saga of the construction of the new Gull Wing bridge in Lowestoft. Suffolk Council has announced further delays due to an unexpected issue: the color of the bridge.

Norfolk Reporter: Ian Bred

According to hard-hatted Chief Building Supervisor, Lorraine Fisher, 34, the bridge arrived in a shade of white that was not quite up to par with expectations.

“It looked nice on the brochure,” Fisher lamented, “but when we got it, it looked a bit too ‘seagull white.’ We were hoping for a more ‘bird poo white’ finish.”

Numerous setbacks

The Gull Wing bridge, touted as an iconic and important infrastructure project for Lowestoft. It was intended to be a much-needed addition to the town’s landscape. Designed to reduce traffic congestion, regenerate the area, and attract new investment to the local economy. The bridge has faced numerous setbacks since its inception.

Originally scheduled to open in 2024, the project has been plagued by delays, ranging from funding issues to construction challenges. However, the latest setback involving the colour of the bridge has left many rubbing their foreheads in frustration.

“It’s absurd,” remarked local resident Peter Johnson, 45. “We’ve been waiting for this bridge for years, and now it’s being held up because of the colour? Who cares what colour it is? They want it bird poo white? It will be bird poo white by the time they finish it, ffs.”

Gull Wing Bridge opening

As construction crews scramble to find a solution to the colour conundrum. Residents are left to wonder when, if ever, the Gull Wing Bridge will finally become a reality. In the meantime, traffic congestion continues to be a headache for commuters, and hopes for a brighter, whiter future for Lowestoft remain on hold.

Must Read: Council workers teach history lessons in Ipswich while road is blocked due to construction

Neolithic ‘Barbie & Ken’ dolls dug up in Essex field

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Neolithic ‘Barbie & Ken’ dolls dug up in Essex field
Neolithic ‘Barbie & Ken’ dolls dug up in Essex field

ILFORD, ESSEX –  A team of archaeologists in Ilford, Essex, has unearthed 3,000-year-old stone figures of Barbie & Ken. Depicting ancient Suffolk hut-dwellers who embarked on an unexpected journey far beyond their county borders.

Angling Correspondent: Courtney Pike

The figures, standing approximately 25cm in height, portray a male and female (Barbie & Ken) with explicit anatomical details. Shedding light on the bizarre sex parts of Middle Neolithic Suffolk.

The stone artefacts suggest that the intrepid Suffolk villagers ventured further afield than was previously thought. Reaching what is now the border between Essex and East London. Archaeologists are abuzz with the revelation that the ancient inhabitants were not merely confined to their Suffolk abodes but embraced a spirit of exploration.

I’m a Barbie girl, in a Middle Neolithic world

Curiously, the figures depict the Suffolk explorers in a state of undress. Their genitals boldly exposed—a detail that has sparked lively debates among historians. Some speculate the figurines are early religious icons symbolizing their tribe’s deference to their gods. While others say they look more like early Barbie & Ken dolls.

Barbie & Ken mystery

The mystery deepens as to why these ancient Suffolk pioneers, having ventured into the borderlands of Essex and East London. Failed to bring back any advanced technology or knowledge to their home village.

Historians are scratching their heads, wondering if perhaps the allure of Ilford’s ancient wonders was outweighed by the reluctance to share newfound sophistication with their savage Suffolk brethren.

Tits and arses

Some commentators are seizing upon this ancient oversight as an explanation. For what many people regard as the retardation of people of modern-day Suffolk. The notion that the failure to bring back advanced technology millennia ago somehow reflects on present-day Suffolk residents has sparked outrage among locals. Who argue that they would rather be seen as backwards Suffolk country folk, than egotistical Essex chavs.

Meanwhile: Neolithic dig unearths ancient Norwich City football trophy