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Ryanair pilots hi-five at 30,000ft

The Editor
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Ryanair pilots hi-five at 30,000ft
Ryanair pilots hi-five at 30,000ft
Ryanair pilots hi-five at 30,000ft

IPSWICH AIRPORT – Passengers at Ipswich airport experienced a terrifying spectacle yesterday because of their pilot. They waited for their already six-hour delayed Ryanair flight to Madrid.

As the jet pulled into gate 26, sharp-eyed young passenger Michael Smalleye noticed something peculiar. A small hole near the cockpit through which the pilot had casually stuck his arm. “Look, Mum! The pilot’s arm is hanging out!” Michael exclaimed, drawing the attention of his parents and quickly rousing the curiosity and alarm of fellow passengers.

The crowd, already weary from the lengthy delay, gathered near the windows to observe this aviation oddity.

Murmurs of concern rippled through the terminal as they questioned the safety implications of an aircraft with a mysterious hole in its fuselage. Was it a design flaw? Had something gone terribly wrong?

Worried crowd

In true Ryanair fashion, ground staff responded with a nonchalant explanation. “To Passengers boarding Flight FR671 to Madrid, do not be alarmed. The hole is perfectly normal,” a representative assured the worried crowd. “It’s a feature on all Ryanair jets, designed to allow pilots to high-five their buddies when they cross paths at 30,000 feet. It’s a tradition in the pilot community – keeps the morale high up there.”

Despite the reassurances, a few passengers opted to stay on solid ground, deciding that perhaps today wasn’t the best day to test the limits of low-cost aviation. As the plane finally prepared for takeoff, those who remained on board experienced a draughty flight.

Credits to Ryanair Pilot

In the end, thanks to Michael Smalleye’s eagle-eyed observation, holes in planes are now less cause for concern.

Meanwhile: Ryanair to launch budget space flights

Clacton McDonald’s suspends milkshake sales until after election

The Editor
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Clacton McDonald’s suspends milkshake sales until after election
Clacton McDonald’s suspends milkshake sales until after election
Clacton McDonald’s suspends milkshake sales until after election

McDONALD’S, CLACTON-ON-SEA – In election news, the Clacton branch of McDonald’s has posted a notice in its window, announcing that at the request of the Reform Party, they will not be serving milkshakes or ice cream until July 5th, after the general election.

By Our Political Correspondent: Polly Ticks

Nigel Farage’s foray into Clacton-on-Sea recently left him drenched in a banana milkshake during his first campaign appearance in the town.

The incident occurred as Farage was departing the Moon and Starfish pub. With a mysterious woman in a white hoodie launching the dairy-based assault on the unsuspecting politician.

In a characteristically cheeky response to the assault, Farage quipped. “I just wish the milkshake had been strawberry flavor and come with a Big Mac & Fries!”. His quick wit elicited laughter from the crowd, showcasing Farage’s thick milkshake skin.

McFlurry of speculation

Farage, whose usually pristine suits now bear streaks of yellow ice cream. Addressed a fervent crowd of supporters at a rally in Clacton. His message, undampened by the milkshake mishap, was fiery and direct. He lambasted the Tories for their perceived betrayal of Brexit promises. Vowing that they would “pay a Big Mac price” for their actions and hinted at a run for PM in 2019.

Dapper Farage’s decision to stand for election in Clacton-on-Sea marks a strategic move in his political career, signalling his intent to challenge the Conservative Party’s stance on Brexit and immigration.

With Reform UK gaining momentum under Farage’s leadership, the stage is set for a contentious electoral battle in the seaside town.

As Farage presses forward with his campaign. His milkshake moment serves as a reminder of the combative nature of British politics and the fervent passions it ignites.

Whether his unconventional approach will yield electoral success remains to be seen. Still, one thing is certain: Nigel Farage isn’t one to back down, even when the burger and chips are down.

Meanwhile: Brits happy to holiday in Clacton anyway

BJ’s on the Beach: ‘Special offers’ gobbled up at Camber convenience store

The Editor
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BJ’s on the Beach: ‘Special offers’ gobbled up at Camber convenience store
BJ’s on the Beach: ‘Special offers’ gobbled up at Camber convenience store
BJ’s on the Beach: ‘Special offers’ gobbled up at Camber convenience store

CAMBER, RYE — Nestled on the edge of the golden sandy dunes at Camber, ‘BJ’s on the Beach’ has become the talk of the town, not just for its wide selection of foods and products, but for its exceptionally friendly and helpful staff.

By Our Consumer Correspondent: Colin Allcabs

Alongside it’s offering of local produce, fresh food, health food, organic products, and prepared foods, you can also get… blow jobs! Yes that is correct! The staff are so friendly you can even get a blow job, on the beach, for a mere £5.

This local gem of a store, managed by the ever-cheerful duo, Brenda and Harold Rappaport, is redefining what it means to be a customer-focused convenience store.

‘BJ’s on the Beach’ offers a smorgasbord of options, catering to every conceivable need. From local produce that supports area farmers to fresh foods that rival any high-end grocer, this store has it all. Health-conscious shoppers will find a treasure trove of organic products and health foods, while those short on time can grab prepared foods that are as delicious as they are convenient.

“We pride ourselves on offering not just a great selection, but also a personal touch, wink wink,” says Harold, beaming from behind the counter. “Our staff are knowledgeable – wink – and always ready to help – nudge nudge. Whether you need advice on the best organic options or directions to the nearest beach spot, we’ve got you covered. Wink, wink.”

Regular customer

The store’s prices are as friendly as its staff, making ‘BJ’s on the Beach’ a go-to spot for both locals and tourists. Regular customer, Mr. Dougie White, raves about the store’s value: “I come here every week. The prices are good, and the produce is always top-notch. Plus, the staff make you feel like family. Wink, wink.”

But it’s not just the food and prices that have people talking about BJ’s. The store has made headlines with its unique “beach service” offering. Yes, you read that correctly — for the adventurous, ‘BJ’s on the Beach’ staff are so dedicated to customer satisfaction that they offer an entirely different kind of service right on the beach, all for the modest price of £5 – wink, wink.

While some might raise an eyebrow at this enterprising addition, regulars are unfazed. “It’s just another example of how ‘BJ’s on the Beach’ goes above and beyond,” jokes local fisherman, Harry Fisher. “They really know how to keep their customers coming back for more! Nudge, nudge.”

In an era where supermarket chains often overshadow small businesses, ‘BJ’s on the Beach’ stands out not just for its convenience and quality, but for its unique approach to customer service. So, whether you’re in need of fresh veggies, organic snacks, or a bit of beachside relaxation, nudge, nudge, wink, wink, this store promises to deliver — one BJ at a time.

Meanwhile: Traffic police offer free BJs to slow down speeding motorists

Suffolk’s ‘river police’ make waves with fishing license crackdown

The Editor
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Suffolk’s ‘river police’ make waves with fishing license crackdown
Suffolk’s ‘river police’ make waves with fishing license crackdown
Suffolk’s ‘river police’ make waves with fishing license crackdown

RIVER ORWELL, SUFFOLK –  The Environment Agency has enlisted the help of Suffolk River Police to crack down on unlicensed fishing in the county’s rivers and canals.

By Our Crime Editor: Rob Banks

The innovative, albeit extreme, strategy involves deploying squad cars directly into the waterways, a sight that left many Suffolk residents doing a double take.

Roger Freeman, the ever-vocal chairman of the Suffolk Angling License Monitoring Organization Network (S.A.L.M.O.N), did not mince words. “This is just another example of two-tier policing,” he declared. “Violent criminals roam our streets, day and night, unimpeded,  and yet we see these extreme measures to catch Jim the Fisherman who’s allowed his fishing license to expire for a couple of days. It’s a bloomin’ disgrace!”

Cops cast a wide net

As squad cars bobbed up and down in the water incongruously in key locations along the county’s picturesque rivers, the public reaction ranged from bemused to outraged. Local anglers, previously only wary of the occasional fishery officer, now found themselves under the wary gaze of police officers floating down the rivers, armed not with fishing rods but with fines and citations.

One witness, Lorraine Fisher, a 34-year-old local who enjoys her daily riverside strolls, was flabbergasted. “I was feeding the ducks when I saw a police car in the water, its blues and twos going gangbusters. At first, I thought it was an elaborate prank!” she laughed. “Whatever next? Police helicopters chasing after birdwatchers?”

The Environment Agency defended the measure, citing the significant loss of revenue due to unlicensed fishing. “We need to protect our natural resources and ensure that those enjoying our waterways are doing so legally,” an agency spokesperson said, seemingly unfazed by the public backlash.

River Police gone viral

Meanwhile, social media was abuzz with photos and memes of the police cars afloat, with many questioning the practicality and cost of such an operation. As the controversy continues to ripple through Suffolk, one thing is clear: in the battle against unlicensed fishing, the police are well and truly making waves.

Top Story: New Felixstowe-Midlands canal will ease road congestion

Rookie driving instructor crashes through shop window on first day

The Editor
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Rookie driving instructor crashes through shop window on first day
Rookie driving instructor crashes through shop window on first day
Rookie driving instructor crashes through shop window on first day

LOWESTOFT, SUFFOLK – A driving instructor – 17, experienced an unforgettable first day at his new job with the ‘Learn to Drive’ driving school in Lowestoft, Suffolk.

By Our Norfolk Reporter: Ian Bred

The nervous driving instructor managed to crash his car through the plate glass window at the front of the shop upon arrival.

The scene unfolded in slow-motion comedy as Kevin, nerves jangling, attempted to park but instead ploughed directly into the storefront, shattering the glass and bringing new meaning to the phrase “crash test dummy.” The embarrassing incident drew the immediate attention of both his manager and the students waiting to begin their lessons, creating a scene reminiscent of a car crash job interview.

“I saw this car coming straight at the window and thought it was part of some bizarre driving test,” said one student sitting behind the wheel of a L-plated Ford Fiesta. “It took a moment to realise this was not a manoeuvre from the  highway code.”

Window of opportunity

The ‘Learn to Drive’ sign, now ironically perched atop a wrecked car, added a visual punchline to the whole incident. Kevin, unscathed but visibly mortified, emerged from the vehicle amidst a shower of glass, muttering apologies and trying to laugh off the embarrassment.

Driving instructor is still on job

Despite the dramatic start, the driving school has opted to keep Kevin on. The manager, Stavros Papageorgiou, humorously addressing those gathered, remarked, “Well, folks, if you can survive that, you can survive anything on the road. Kevin here just demonstrated the importance of learning in a controlled environment.”

Meanwhile: Driving test hill start scrapped in East Anglia

“300” follow-up, “30” pokes fun at spartan British Army

The Editor
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“300” follow-up, “30” pokes fun at spartan British Army
“300” follow-up, “30” pokes fun at spartan British Army

SPARTA, UK – In a cinematic treat that no one saw coming, the much-anticipated follow-up to the 2006 epic “300” has finally been announced.

By Our Defence Editor: Doug Trench

The new movie, titled “30,” trades the ancient battlegrounds of Thermopylae for the bustling streets of modern-day London. Blending action and comedy in a satirical critique of the British Army’s current recruitment and funding woes.

Gone are the sweeping vistas of ancient Greece. Instead, viewers are transported to a contemporary urban setting. Where the British Army faces a crisis of epic proportions: they can only muster 30 new recruits for 300 follow up.

The gear

Equipped with nothing more than animal furs, spears, swords, and shields. These unlikely warriors are set to defend the nation in a hilarious yet poignant nod to the legendary Spartan soldiers.

Hollywood hunkster, Gerard Butler is replaced on the silver screen by Swazi-English actor, Richard E Grant. As a grizzled veteran sergeant tasked with whipping the ragtag group into shape. His cut-glass British accent and gentlemanly charm provide the perfect comedic contrast to the absurdity of the situation.

The recruits for 300 follow up, a motley crew of bumbling everyday Brits, stumble through training montages, botched drills, and comically underfunded battle preparations. All while clad in outlandishly anachronistic gear.

Are we human or dancer?

Geriatric actor and tap dancer, Lionel Blair contributes a typically camp performance. Portraying an out-of-touch defence minister who insists that “traditional methods” will inspire the troops. His character’s hilariously misguided attempts to rally the nation through nothing more than nostalgic patriotism underscore the film’s satirical edge.

300 follow up plot

The plot thickens as the 30 recruits are sent on a mission to defend London from a fictitious ‘invasion’ of illegal immigrants. 30 will be leading to a series of laugh-out-loud encounters and surprisingly heartfelt moments.

Their journey, though farce, highlights the real struggles faced by modern armies. Grappling with budget cuts, recruitment challenges and foreign insurgents.

Critics and audiences alike are buzzing with anticipation for “30,”. Eager to see how the film balances its comedic elements with a biting social commentary. As the Spartans once inspired all of Greece to unite. Perhaps this film will spark a conversation about the state of the UK’s border defence in today’s increasingly dangerous world.

At the very least, “30” is guaranteed to offer a hearty laugh and a fresh perspective on the current state of the British Army.

Meanwhile: Baywatch reboot to start filming on Lowestoft beach

The grass ISN’T greener on the other side – Scotland tells England to cut your own grass

The Editor
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The grass ISN’T greener on the other side – Scotland tells England to cut your own grass
Scotland tells England to cut your own grass
Scotland tells England to cut your own grass

SCOTTISH BORDER – The stark contrast in grass length at the England/Scotland border has sparked a grassy debate about funding disparities between the two nations.

By Our Political Correspondent: Polly Ticks

While Scotland boasts impeccably trimmed lawns on its side of the border. England’s municipal grassy areas have been left to grow wild and unruly due to a lack of funds for council maintenance.

Observers at the border have noted the stark contrast: on the Scottish side. The grass is neatly trimmed, creating a picturesque scene. While on the English side, the grass stands tall, resembling a neglected jungle. Scottish border residents have poked fun at the discrepancy, with some jokingly suggesting that England needs to “cut the grass, not the funding.”

Root cause

The root of the issue lies in the complex system of funding between the UK and Scottish governments. While the UK Government manages certain aspects of public spending. It also provides funding to the Scottish Government through the Block Grant. This funding is meant to cover various areas, including health, education, and, apparently, grass-cutting.

However, with the UK Government allocating record block grants to Scotland. Averaging £41 billion a year, questions arise about the distribution of funds and priorities.

While Scotland enjoys well-maintained public spaces, England’s local councils struggle to keep up with basic maintenance tasks due to budget constraints.

Critics have pointed out the unfairness of the situation. Highlighting the need for greater transparency and accountability in the allocation of funds. As the grass continues to grow on the English side of the border, its residents can only hope for an improved herbaceous border control.

Meanwhile: A Suffolk company has invented a type of grass that never needs to be cut, it has emerged.

Bright future ahead for Suffolk inventor’s ‘Solar car’

The Editor
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Bright future ahead for Suffolk inventor’s ‘Solar car’
Bright future ahead for Suffolk inventor’s ‘Solar car’
Bright future ahead for Suffolk inventor’s ‘Solar car’

THE MOTOR SHOW, LONDON OLYMPIA – 58-year-old Pakefield resident, Jeffrey Schlepp, inventor of the “aeronautical auto-flying car plane”. The revolutionary flying car powered by flavoured milk – has unveiled his latest idea. A low-budget electric motorcar called the “The Solar car”.

Consumer Correspondent: Colin Allcabs

Unlike groundbreaking motor manufacturer, Tesla’s EV battery technology. Which represents a cutting-edge combination of chemistry, engineering, and software, Schlepp’s car.

They have unveiled to zero fanfare at London’s prestigious Motor Show. It is basically a 1997 Vauxhall Astra with a series of six reconditioned solar panels dragging along behind it.

Sun shines out of his ar*e

Schlepp claims that on a sunny day, his Solar car has a range of 14 miles making it about 60 times less useful than most other electric vehicles on the market – and that’s not saying much.

Despite the glaring impracticality of using the sun to power a motor vehicle in the permacloudy UK (or perhaps because of it).

Schlepp has affixed a price tag of £950 to his invention, positioning himself as the plucky underdog in the David-and-Goliath battle against Tesla.

The solar car era

Whether his ‘Heath Robinson’ contraption will catapult Schlepp to automotive stardom or relegate him to the scrapheap of failed inventors remains to be seen, but one thing is certain. In the realm of audacious ambition and English eccentricity, Schlepp reigns supreme.

Apparently, his previous invention, the flying car, has conquered the pothole problem.

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