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Norfolk family ‘disgusted’ at seeing a giant mouse in Disneyland restaurant

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A furious family from Norfolk has demanded Disneyland Paris call in pest controllers after spotting a giant mouse in a resort restaurant.

Billy Spuckler, his sister Dolly and their five children were on their first ever trip abroad, and had been looking forward to Disney for months.

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But after arriving at the Paris theme park they were in for a big shock.

“We decided to go for a meal and were disgusted to see a giant five-foot mouse in the restaurant, wandering about bold as brass,” Mr Spuckler explained.

“The staff didn’t do anything about it. They seemed pleased it was there.

“Other guests also seemed happy to see it. It’s disgusting that a mouse is in a restaurant like that. I complained to Disney representatives and told them to get pest controllers in, or at least set a trap.

“We left the park straight away and won’t ever go back. It’ll be Great Yarmouth for us this summer holiday.”

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Lorraine Fisher, 34, from the Disney communications department, confirmed there had been an unfortunate incident with a family from Norfolk.

“They did take exception when Mickey Mouse walked into the restaurant to greet guests. Thankfully Minnie wasn’t with him or they would have gone apoplectic.”

The complaint could put Disney off from opening a new theme park in Norfolk.

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Fury as free pizzas and beer delivered to Brexit-voting MPs in Commons tonight

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MPs voting on yet another load of Brexit amendments tonight will scoff free pizza and beer delivered to the House of Commons at our expense.

Taxpayers, who are fed up with MPs dithering over Brexit, will foot the bill for 700 large pizzas from Domino’s, which will be delivered to the House of Commons on a fleet of scooters.

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Greedy MPs will then wash down the tasty dishes with bottles of ale ordered from a nearby Tesco Express.

Campaigners on both sides of the Brexit debate are furious that MPs are being rewarded for doing bugger all except sitting around kicking the leave/remain debate can down the road.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “It’s an insult to the British people that MPs have their snouts in the trough yet again, just for staying late in the office.

“Why should they tuck in to free pizza when there are millions of people starving up and down the country? People, incidentally, who would have done a far better job sorting the Brexit mess out.”

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It is understood Theresa May has requested a ham and pineapple option while Jeremy Corbyn prefers a cheese and tomato pizza.

The free grub and booze will be paid out from the Fair Use Catering Kitchen Order Freebie Fund, or FUCKOFF for short.

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Cash4Life versus set for life lotteries: which are better?

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We’ve all dreamed of winning the lottery. We’ve spent hours, maybe even days, throughout our lifetimes planning what we’d do if we ever got lucky enough to have our numbers come up.

For some of us, the ultimate goal would be to own a Ferrari or lay our heads down in a sprawling country mansion. For others, the fantasy is a little more altruistic: setting up a horse sanctuary, or being able to fund the ambitions of the people we love.

But did you know that bog-standard lotteries are not the only way to win big? Unlike the traditional lotteries we’re familiar with, there are a number of others out there, some of which pay out not just once, but in regular intervals for a period of years. Seeking to change the lives of those who win, their aim is to set you up forever. Intrigued and want to find out a little more? Here are two you need to know about.

Available to UK residents, Set for Life turns on a pretty unique concept: the top prize is not a lump sum of money, but a means of changing your life forever. Having just launched on 15th March this year, its tickets are priced at £1.50 and can be bought both in-store and online. The way it works is simple: you choose five numbers between one and 47, and an additional ‘life ball’ number between one and 10. Match all six and you’ll receive an astonishing £10,000 per month for the next 30 years. We can’t think of many things more enticing than that!

Cash4Life

Intriguingly, the Set for Life lottery is not the only one that’s changing the way we play. Cash4Life works on a similar principle. A lottery betting game from Lottoland – where you bet on the outcome of an existing lottery game – it’s even more lucrative than its counterpart, paying out £1,000 a day for the rest of each winner’s life. Second prize is pretty profitable too: £1,000 a month for as long as the runner-up lives. The game revolves around the New York Cash4Life Lottery, and playing is simple. Costing £2.50 per ticket, players must pick five numbers from one to 60, as well as an extra ‘cash ball’ from one to four.

Set for Life vs Cash4Life

Of course, this poses something of a conundrum for those who want to play one of these ‘lifetime lotteries’. The good news is that both Set for Life and Cash4Life offer many boons, so you can’t really go wrong with either. The major upside to them is that you’re not at risk of going wild and spending your winnings all in one go, so you can stay safe in the knowledge that you have a steady and reliable income to fall back on.   

However, one area where the latter undoubtedly reigns supreme is the size of the prize pot. Whilst £10,000 a month for 30 years is nothing to be sneered at, £1,000 a day for the remainder of your life definitely works out better – a fact backed up by the figures. Indeed, the difference is marked, with those who win the Set for Life pot walking away £3.6 million richer after three decades of payouts, compared to Cash4Life winners coming out almost £11 million in the black after the same amount of time.

Tell us, were you to ever buy or bet on the winning ticket, what would you spend your prize money on?

I’ve been chitting potatoes (well I am a vegetarian)

Digging for victory

The latest column from our star gardening columnist, Jeremy Corbyn MP.

Morning, comrades

These past few weeks I chitted in the spare room, the dining room and on the living room window sill. Many elderly gardeners find themselves doing it. It’s the best way to bring on our spuds.

I’m a little late with this chore as I keep getting interrupted down the allotment by something called Brexit, which is giving everyone the chits.

To chit your seed spuds, you lay them in an egg box with their eyes pointing up just like I do when some Tory twerp asks something awkward at Prime Minister’s Question Time. I like to think the eyes always have it, unless I disagree, in which case we should have another vote.

You can just lay them on a tray, but I place mine on top of the left-wing Morning Star. I wouldn’t want to blight them with any of the popular papers. Then simply leave somewhere light until they sprout into little plants, ready to pop in the ground or a container.

Which varieties? Avoid Davidus Camerona, as it is apt to bolt. And I never grow King Edwards because I can’t stand those poncey royals. If you’re a trade unionist, you may wish to grow Desiree, as they are scab resistant.

I’ve been attempting to prune back the May bush which is going through a difficult time with pests all around it like Govegrub and the virulent Boris worm. The Prime Minister needs to get rid of all the perennial weeds around her before they entirely take over.

This is the time to cut back your roses, nice and hard, as fellow allotment keeper Mrs Abbott taught me many years ago. Give the allotment a good mulching with compost, wood chips or composted straw. It just needs a good fork in.

We’ve had trouble with people nicking our hispi cabbages on the allotments but I am against putting up borders of any kind….well I might consider a picket fence.

As soon as we know the frost has gone, I will be giving you tips on getting ready for the hanging baskets, which can now be made up of tumbling tomatoes or chillis, not just pretty trailing flowers. There are certainly a few baskets I would like to hang, well, if I wasn’t such a pacifist.

I had a lovely trip to Morecambe and took the usual tourist photo with the statue of Eric Morecambe. I thought of us as Morecambe and Wise. It was a lovely way to avoid that march in London with all those remainers in their Pringle jumpers and Hotter shoes.

Anyway, I am going to get my dibber out and get stuck in.

Happy gardening, comrades.

Theresa May furious as Scotland boss takes just 90 minutes to leave Europe

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Theresa May has demanded to know how Scotland managed to exit Europe in only 90 minutes.

The Prime Minister noted with a mixture of envy and fury that Scotland manager Alex McLeish orchestrated an orderly exit by simply losing 3-0 to mighty Kazakhstan in the European Championship qualifier yesterday.

While Mrs May has taken three years to get absolutely nowhere, Mr McLeish sorted it all out in an hour and a half.

If there was any doubt about Scotland’s ultimate shut-out from Europe, the team have to play San Marino this weekend. And if that’s not tricky enough, it’s Cyprus in June.

Political commentator Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Brexiteers have looked at Alex McLeish and asked, ‘Why isn’t he in charge of Brexit?’

“It’s clear Britain wouldn’t be in this mess if he was. We would have left Europe in no time at all.”

Scotland were 2-0 down within 10 minutes in Kazakhstan, a country so rubbish at football it is ranked 117th in the world.

Quite how McLeish masterminded the result will go down in European history.

3 ways Ipswich is better than London

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We already know that humble Ipswich is not only the greatest town in the South East but also the entire country.

While the overcrowded, overpriced, and over-polluted capital might hog all of the limelight, it is actually Suffolk that houses the most fascinating and lively metropolis of these islands. With a history stretching back thousands of years and a leading role in countless important historical events, true culture vultures would be better off avoiding the Big Smoke altogether and heading straight to our sunny shores.

Here are the three indisputable ways that Ipswich is better than London.

History 

Sure, the Tower of London and St Paul’s Cathedral might look impressive, but once you’ve elbowed your way through the crowds of gawking tourists, there really isn’t that much to get excited about. Our history is so rich that we don’t need to make a big song and dance about it. One of the grandest historical buildings in town, Ancient House, currently houses a branch of Lakeland Plastics.

Our monument to the Russian Prince Alexander, who fled the Communists to make a new home in Ipswich, is a grey, muted slab tucked away in an obscure corner of town. The same goes for our statue of Cardinal Wolsey, the Tudor Kingmaker who was born here. When you have as much history as Ipswich, you don’t need to bang on about it.

Nightlife 

Rather than having to face-off against brutal bouncers and merciless door policies at the exclusive, glitzy nightclubs of the capital, you can have the night of your life in Ipswich without the unnecessary stress. Instead of trying your luck at Fabric you can just head to Unit 17, formerly known as a branch of Liquid Envy. Whilst the always-rowdy Unit 17 humbly bills itself as “the only nightclub in Ipswich”, there are plenty of other raucous options for the keen nightcrawler.

If your idea of a good time is the night at the casino, you can be a high roller without having to dress up in a tuxedo. The town centre has not one, but two branches of the small casino chain Cashino, which one online reviewer described as “okay”, so you know they must be good. While these hotspots might not offer the glamour of the roulette table, people looking to channel their inner James Bond can always play roulette online, without having to step out onto the mean street of Ipswich.

Architecture  

Last but not least is Ipswich’s stunning architectural heritage. Any true connoisseur would agree that the skyscrapers of Canary Wharf look gauche in comparison to the elegant Willis Building, one of Norman Foster’s first ever commissions. Similarly, the sprawling glass complex that houses the county council, Endeavour House, surely puts The Shard to shame.

Stepping further back in time, architecture fans can soak up the soaring tower of the Medieval St Mary-le-Tower church, or simply walk a little further down to road to take in 3-5 Silent Street, the oldest house in all of Ipswich, which dates back to 1480.

As you can see, Ipswich really does have a lot to offer both tourists and locals. Next time you’re considering getting a train down to London for the weekend, remember that anything they can do, we can do better.

Backing Ipswich to defeat Hull is a value bet, say experts

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Ipswich Town

Ipswich Town have had a dreadful Championship season so far as they sit rock-bottom with only 24 points from 38 games.

The club is already experimenting ahead of next season when they will play in League One. Having said that, they have been in fine form and go into next weekend’s clash against Hull City unbeaten in the last three and with only one defeat in their last five Championship games.

We asked the experts at bestbettingsites.online what we should expect from the upcoming match.

“Despite all the problems that Ipswich Town have had this season, in recent games, there has been a clear improvement in the squad,” said John Pentin, editor in chief of the football betting section of bestbettingsites.online.

Mr Pentin has worked in the past with top betting operators like Ladbrokes and William Hill, and in recent years has been one of the most successful football tipsters in the UK.

In addition to being a passionate punter, he also likes playing online casinos. For this reason, he has been involved leading the casino review team on a popular online casino comparison site called Casino Biggest Bonus.

“Sometimes playing without pressure can make a big difference with players who are keen to show their worth in what is remaining of the season,” he said.

The main issue for Ipswich Town has been at the back as they have conceded 62 goals and they are really struggling to keep clean sheets.

“In this last part of the season, we expect to see more youngsters launched in the first team. It will give them the opportunity to show they are ready for the next campaign. Having players that are motivated, it is critical to increasing the chances that Ipswich Town will end the season with their heads up despite all the problems.”

For all those reasons Mr Pentin believes there is value in backing Ipswich Town to defeat Hull City when club football is back next weekend after the Euro 2020 qualifiers.

Ipswich are currently at 3/1 to beat Hull with several top bookmakers.

“Surely it will not be an easy game as Hull City have better quality in the field but if you consider the improvements showed by Ipswich in the last game and also that Hull City have very little to play for (they are sitting in mid-table), a home win could be on the cards.”

NASA, Norfolk’s space agency gets lift-off

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Norfolk’s new space agency has attempted its first launch into orbit from Cromer beach.

The Norfolk Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA for short) made the attempted manned flight at first light this morning.

Local woman Edna Spuckler was the willing volunteer to be sent to space on the manure-fuelled rocket, dubbed Turnip One. She was strapped to the rocket with bale string and wore a heat resistant bikini.

Sadly the launch countdown was halted at ’10’ because high winds meant chief scientist Bubba Spuckler couldn’t light his match.

Observer Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “It was all a bit of an anti-climax, to be honest.

“No-one really believed Norfolk could join the space race and today’s feeble effort seems to confirm it.”

NASA spokesman Mark Brownless said it would be trying the launch again on Sunday. If the winds on Cromer beach continue, they would consider shifting the launch pad inland to Downham Market.