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Conservative Party intern joins leadership race

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Conservative Party intern joins leadership race

An intern at Conservative Party HQ has announced she is also standing for leadership because everyone else is.

Gemma Turner, 22, revealed she will be campaigning on a ticket of ignoring Brexit altogether because everybody seems rather cross and bored with it.

In a declaration announcement on Instagram, she said: “I can confirm I am putting my name forward to be the next leader of the Conservative Party #voteme”

Media studies student Gemma, from Henley-on-Thames, has been working for free with the Conservatives for three months, hoping to gain some valuable work experience.

She told the Suffolk Gazette: “Running the country will look pretty good on my CV, so that’s what I’ll do.”

The number of candidates is now in double figures, and favourite Boris Johnson hasn’t even declared yet.

Political commentator Lorraine Fisher, 34, explained: “Gemma is a lowly intern but has as good a chance as anyone else.

“She has no real policies or concept of what is going on in the country, so she’s probably overqualified.”

The news comes after Larry the Downing Street cat announced he had already taken charge of the country.

‘I was drunk and thought I had bought a border collie’, says woman

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‘I was drunk and thought I had bought a border collie’, says woman

A Suffolk woman has warned people not to buy a border collie when they are drunk, after making a terrible mistake last week.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, from Saxmundham, woke up on Saturday morning to find a cow sitting on her sofa, mooing loudly.

The call centre manager had been on the lash after work on Friday and vaguely remembers agreeing to buy a border collie from a bloke in the pub for £200.

“He seemed like a nice man,” Lorraine recalled. “Next thing I know I’m waking up on Saturday morning with a raging hangover – and a bloody cow in the sitting room.

Border collie

“It is clearly not a border collie but in my inebriated state, it was an easy mistake to make.”

Lorraine now hopes to find the owner of the cow, which is costing her an arm and a leg in milk.

Local potato farmer Maurice Piper, who also keeps a few cows in a field outside Saxmundham, has reported one is missing and will check over Lorraine’s specimen.

Meanwhile, police say if it is found the cow was stolen and sold to Lorraine, they will press charges.

A spokesman said: “We’d like to speak to the gentleman from the pub, who is known only as Russell.”

** Hat tip for this story idea sent in by multiple internet sources (memes) and to Twitter user @Hipchickadee. We’re just milking it!

As Theresa May dithers over resignation, Cabinet hires her a new driver

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As Theresa May dithers over resignation, Cabinet hires her a new driver

Theresa May’s Cabinet colleagues have generously hired her a new chauffeur.

New driver

The new driver, pictured above, is described as a “safe pair of hands” on the road as the Prime Minister negotiates a traumatic few days.

Rumours of her resignation tonight went unfounded, but she is now expected to reveal her proposed leaving date after a crunch meeting with the leader of the 1922 Committee on Friday.

However, political insiders say Cabinet colleagues, pushed by Tory MPs and grassroots members, have decided to “hurry things along” by changing Mrs May’s driver.

Downing Street carpool expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “They want the Prime Minister gone and when her normal driver went down with a mystery bug, they swiftly appointed a replacement.

“Eyebrows were raised by security teams because the new man, known as Phil, looked a little old.

“But he seems to know his way around London and is respected for his diplomatic behaviour. So, he’s starting tomorrow.

Jamie Oliver campaign for better food sees all his restaurants close

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Jamie Oliver campaign for better food sees all his restaurants close
Mamma mia: Jamie Oliver’s Italian restaurant chain its pasta is sell-by date

Celebrity chef Jamie Oliver’s relentless campaign to improve food quality has taken another step forward with the closure of all his restaurants.

High streets up and down the country will now be free of indifferent-tasting Italian fare, plus offerings from a few other chains he owned.

A business colleague of the cheeky Essex chef said: “Jamie has been lecturing us all for years about improving what we should eat.

“Now his passion has finally met with wider approval as people thought twice about going to the Jamie’s Italian, Fifteen and Barbecoa restaurants.”

Food quality expert Lorraine Fisher said: “It’s easy to comment in hindsight, but in this case perhaps Mr Oliver should have been more careful with what he wished for.

“He’s been all high and mighty for years about ‘eat this’ and ‘eat that’.

“Well, now he knows what it’s like when people do indeed make a collective decision with their eating habits.”

On a more serious note, the restaurant chain collapse is bad news for his 1,000 employees, who must now hope that administrators KPMG can find a new buyer.



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Football fans everywhere note that Leeds have fallen apart again

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Leeds United Football Club has indeed fallen apart again, it has emerged.

The Yorkshire club bottled its play-off semi-final against Derby County, turning a 2-0 aggregate lead into a 3-4 defeat that saw Frank Lampard’s Rams heading for Wembley instead.

Football fans everywhere remind Leeds of its wobbly nature by singing: “Leeds are falling apart again”, to the tune of Joy Division’s Love Will Tear Us Apart Again, at every opportunity.

And tonight, football fan Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “I was watching the play-off game at Elland Road and it was true that Leeds really did fall apart again.

“It’s such a terrible shame because it’s such a love, friendly little club.”

Football fans up and down the country are already looking forward to next season when Leeds will no doubt be up the top of the league for most of the year before falling yet again at the last hurdle.

Meanwhile, Derby go on to play Aston Villa in the play-off final at Wembley.

Surprise as woman flying about on killer dragon turns out to be slightly unhinged

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Surprise as woman flying about on killer dragon turns out to be slightly unhinged
Killer Queen (Photo: HBO)

A cute blonde-haired woman who flies around on a murderous dragon might be a little unhinged after all, it has emerged.

Daenerys Targaryen went on the rampage on Sunday night, killing tens of thousands of innocent people who had been trying to surrender.

Viewers of Game of Thrones, one of the eight most popular cable TV shows of the last decade, had been clinging on to the belief that the pretty young Mother of Dragons was a fine and noble Queen.

But scenes of her whipping her dragon into a fire-raising frenzy, turning King’s Landing and its subjects to ashes, have left some questioning her good intentions.

Fan Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “I’ll have to watch it again to be certain, but I’m beginning to think Daenerys is not quite as sweet as she first seemed.

“It turns out zipping about on a fire-breathing dragon can lead to some rather odd behaviour.”

But another viewer, Steve Walsh, added: “Look, she’s a cracker and has great t*ts. We can forgive the odd bit of passive-aggressive behaviour.”

Game of Thrones finishes after eight seasons this coming weekend. “Maybe Daenerys will have cheered up by then, and we can forget the King’s Landing massacre ever happened,” pondered Ms Fisher.

Astonishing week ends with English teams finishing first and second in the Premier League

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Astonishing week ends with English teams finishing first and second in the Premier League

Football took another extraordinary twist this weekend when it emerged two English clubs finished champions and runners-up of the Premier League.

Following news that all four finalists in Europe’s top two cup competitions were English, Manchester City and Liverpool both finished at the top of the league.

The country is now convinced English football has never had it so good.

Football fan Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “First Liverpool and Tottenham upset the odds to reach the Champions League final.

“Then Arsenal and Chelsea both won their Europa League semi-finals to reach the final at nearby Azerbaijan.

“If that wasn’t enough, English teams have now clinched first and second in the Premier League.

“Has there ever been such an astonishing week in English football?”

In other football-related news, Ipswich Town supporters are preparing for their first season in England’s third-tier for nearly 60 years.

Daily Mail confused after immigrant has baby at taxpayers’ expense

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Daily Mail confused after immigrant has baby at taxpayers’ expense
Daily Mail fury

By Jane Seymour, Royal Editor

The hate-filled Daily Mail, which has spread fear and loathing about migrants in the UK, has now become utterly confused after an immigrant had a baby at taxpayers’ expense.

Instead of producing yet another front page about how migration has drained the country’s resources, it decided to print 23 pages of celebration instead.

Media commentator Lorraine Fisher, 34, said it was a mystery why the Daily Mail had become so fawning about this particular case.

“A woman from abroad, who moved to Britain for a better life, had a baby a day or so ago in Windsor. The Mail has completely lost its shit about it but in a good way.

“It seems to think this is the best news ever, which is a little odd.”

Meanwhile, in other news, Prince Harry and his American wife Meghan today showed off their new-born son to the world. There is increasing speculation he will be called Donald.

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