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Norwich to get first win in December, new fixture list reveals

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Norwich to get first win in December, new fixture list reveals
the barclay stand

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

Norwich City will bag their first win of the new Premier League season in December when they play Sheffield United at home, today’s fixture list reveals.

The Canaries must wait until nearly Christmas before playing the fellow Premier minnows.

Fans will now be hoping the Carrow Road club picks up enough draws before then to keep them off the bottom of the table.

The Sheffield United fixture on December 7 is already the big “six-pointer” of the season and will define who finishes bottom of the Premier League this coming season.

Football fixture consultant Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Norwich fans might have hoped to face Sheffield United earlier in the season to get that first win under their belt.

“But the fixture list computer can be a cruel mistress. At least fans will only have to wait until March for the away game at Bramall Lane and a shot at a second win of the season.”

Women’s World Cup: Baddiel and Skinner release Three Irons on My Shirt single

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Women’s World Cup: Baddiel and Skinner release Three Irons on My Shirt single
Three irons on my shirt
David Baddiel and Frank Skinner singing Three Irons on my short

David Baddiel and Frank Skinner are launching an updated version of their famous song to coincide with the Women’s World Cup – called Three Irons on My Shirt.

The hit single is being re-released with the Lightning Seeds, who performed the original Three Lions hit with the comic duo in 1996.

England’s Lionesses are currently roaring in France, where they beat Scotland 2-1 in their opening group match. They take on Argentina this weekend.

Now the whole country is backing them, singing: “Three irons on my shirt, Jules Rimet still gleaming…. etc etc.”

Three irons on my shirt

There has been some silly controversy over sexism when it comes to the Women’s World Cup, which the Suffolk Gazette takes no part in.

Some have complained no men were on the TV pundits team. Others question why results list England women, rather than just England. Still more are upset a man – Phil Neville – is the team manager.

England lionesses fan Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “I am pleased a new version of the song is coming out. Three Irons makes it nice and different from the men’s version.

“It’s coming home.”

However, Steve Walshe, a man, added: “If it’s coming home, it better have got dinner sorted first.”

Narcos Westminster docudrama to be released on Netflix

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Narcos Westminster docudrama to be released on Netflix
Michael Gove stars in Narcos Westminster

Netflix has announced that cocaine docudrama Narcos Westminster is to be released next month.

The show follows dangerous cocaine baron Michael Gove as he plots the downfall of his rivals in Westminster, only to fall from grace himself.

The previous series in the hit TV franchise chronicled the rise of Colombian crime lord Pablo Escobar and also the deadly cocaine trade in Mexico.

But producers expect the Narcos Westminster to be the biggest series yet.

Michael Gove cocaine

Director Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Michael Gove is the perfect real-life villain to follow. We see him go from a casual user of cocaine to a ruthless gangster who pretty much brought the whole country to its knees.

“Gove began to form the Westminster Cartel after his previous boss was deemed too nice, having done nothing naughtier than running through a field of wheat.”

One surprising scoop is that researchers unearthed evidence Gove had to dump two tonnes of cocaine into Suffolk’s rivers after being tailed by cops. It was this that caused surprise university boffins to discover traces of cocaine in the local shellfish population.

A show insider said: “This is a gripping series of Narcos. You won’t believe some of the stuff Gove and his cronies got up to.”

It is expected the first episode will be available on Netflix in the second week of July.

Cat ears are large so they’re better equipped to ignore you

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Cat ears are large so they’re better equipped to ignore you
tree stuck up cat

Cat ears are large so they are much better equipped to completely ignore you, scientists have confirmed.

The pet cat has 32 muscles in each ear and can move them independently, meaning the cat can still ignore you while looking the other way.

A study by the Feline Institute in Suffolk found domestic cats have developed cat-like hearing. They use it to become master hunters and to avoid trouble.

But the moment you tell it to move off the sofa or come over for a cuddle, your cat will become as deaf as a post.

Cat expert Professor Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Cat ears have developed as the ideal means to ignore their owners.

“They can hear them upstairs, sit by the back door and meow loudly to be let outside. Then, when someone comes along to open it for them, they walk the other way and go for a nap on the chair.”

The study shows cats like to believe they are in charge, whereas pet dogs are stupid and will do anything you want to please you.

Sales of Waitrose plastic containers soar as shoppers urged to bring own packaging

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Sales of Waitrose plastic containers soar as shoppers urged to bring own packaging

Sales of Waitrose plastic containers are going through the roof after the supermarket announced it was removing packaging from hundreds of products.

Waitrose opening times have never been more anticipated by middle-class mums keen to snap up their very own plastic containers.

Then they can use them to stock up with lots of exciting pasta and cereal products for their favourite Waitrose recipes.

And the process is a perfect refilling initiative because when customers break or lose their plastic containers, they can simply go back to the store and buy some more.

Waitrose near me

Shopper Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Now I have heard this exciting news about packaging, I am going to a Waitrose near me to buy some plastic containers.”

The Waitrose trial will see if customers adding products to their own plastic containers, rather than using the traditionally packed products alongside.

With many items involved, including cereals, pasta, grains, lentils, couscous, dried fruit, Waitrose wine and washing up, customers will likely have to buy dozens of plastic containers.

What’s that ridiculous thing on your head?

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Trump and guardsman

President Donald Trump and a Buckingham Palace guardsman today argued over who had the most ridiculous thing on their head.

Mr Trump claimed the soldier’s tall, fur hat looked a bit weird.

But the soldier replied: “Not as stupid as what’s on your head, Mr President.”

Upon hearing the headgear was bearskin, Mr Trump retorted that he himself had gone “for the orangutan fur” look.

The good-natured banter came as Mr Trump and Melania were given a ceremonial welcome outside Buckingham Palace.

Trump state visit

On the first day of his state visit to the UK, Prince Philip had already caused a diplomatic row by welcoming Mr Trump and his wife “Stormy”.

Royal watcher Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Things have not gotten off to a great start. After the Philip howler, Mr Trump got into a conversation with a guardsman.

“He tried to take the mickey out of his bearskin hat because guardsmen famously don’t move a muscle and certainly don’t answer back.

“But to his horror – and the amusement of everyone else – the guardsman fired back with a volley of abuse about the President’s hairstyle.”

Awkward: Prince Philip welcomes Donald Trump and ‘Stormy’ to Buckingham Palace

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Awkward: Prince Philip welcomes Donald Trump and ‘Stormy’ to Buckingham Palace

Prince Philip put his foot in it again today when he welcomed Donald Trump and his wife “Stormy” to Buckingham Palace for the State Visit.

The Duke, famous for being undiplomatic, shook the President’s hand and turned to Melania before quipping: “And Stormy, I’ve seen all your films.”

Royal flunkies immediately moved the Trumps down the welcome line at the Palace before the party went inside for the official state banquet.

But the damage had already been done. Mr Trump was said to be “furious” and the dinner seating plan was hastily rearranged so that Philip was placed at the other end of the table.

Trump and Stormy Daniels

Royal servant Lorraine Fisher, 34, confirmed: “It was awkward. Philip grinned as he welcomed Melania, calling her Stormy.

“He clearly did it on purpose, it wasn’t as though he was simply confused.”

The quip came after Mr Trump and a guardsman got into a disagreement over who had the most ridiculous thing on their head.

A lawsuit against Mr Trump, brought by former porn star Stormy Daniels who claimed they had an affair, was thrown out of court in March.

Philip’s comment came after the Queen sent him to Stansted Airport to pick up Donald Trump earlier in the day.

Annoyingly loud neigbours planning to ruin your sunshine weekend

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Annoyingly loud neigbours planning to ruin your sunshine weekend

Your neighbours are planning a weekend of loud garden activities so you can’t enjoy the sunshine, it has emerged.

While you’re spending the last few hours of the working week pretending to be busy, they are already filling their paddling pool, scrubbing the barbecue, setting up their outside music system and stocking up on booze.

If you thought it might be nice to sit outside in temperatures reaching 24 degrees on Saturday and Sunday, you’ve got no chance.

Annoying neighbour Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “It’s warm enough for t-shirts, so that means we’ll start getting pissed and making as much noise as we like.

“We’ve got games to play like badminton, and the kids will be running around screaming.

“And as we drink more and more booze, our voices will get louder and louder, and we’ll all burst into uncontrollable cackles of laughter whenever someone says something remotely amusing.

“By then we won’t care what anyone else thinks.”

Quiet neighbour Steve Walshe said: “I just want to sit out in the garden and relax in the warm weather but will probably just have to go out for a long drive instead.”

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