IPSWICH, SUFFOLK – A bakery in Ipswich, Suffolk, has unwittingly become the unintended hotspot for dirty old men in raincoats seeking cheap thrills.
By Our Consumer Correspondent: Colin Allcabs
The reason? A seemingly innocent advertising poster depicting “Fresh Buns” displayed above a tantalizing image of baked goods resembling the alluring curves of a woman’s buttocks.
What began as a harmless attempt to attract customers with a playful pun quickly spiralled into a surreal scene reminiscent of a slapstick comedy. Instead of finding themselves surrounded by a bevvy of alluring ladies. Visiting pervs were greeted by shelves stocked with nothing more than loaves of bread, cakes, and pastries. Ugh!
Pervert’s paradise
The Flowermill bakery’s owners, initially puzzled by the sudden influx of disturbed visitors. Soon realized the unintended consequences of their choice of advertisement.
As the news of the poster spread like wildfire through the town’s sex-crazed underworld. The bakery became a magnet for a steady stream of raincoat-clad sleazeballs seeking a different kind of “buns.”
Dismayed residents, appalled by the sight of hordes of geriatric weirdos loitering outside the bakery, instantly called the Police.
Clever marketing by Suffolk bakery
Despite Suffolk bakery’s genuine attempt to lure normal, food-loving customers with a clever marketing tactic. The unintended consequences serve as a smutty reminder that sometimes, a simple pun can lead to unforeseen pornographic consequences.
As for the dirty old men in raincoats, they left Suffolk bakery with nothing more than a soft sausage roll in hand.
Absent-minded bus driver takes a trip down memory lane
BUS LANE, IPSWICH – Jonathan Crankshaft, a bus driver with Ipswich Buses, is making headlines with a unique solution to his early onset dementia-related forgetfulness. Bosses at Ipswich Buses have devised a special digital display to aid Crankshaft whenever he loses track of his route.
By Our Norfolk Reporter: Ian Bred
The innovation? A conspicuous button marked with a question mark on Crankshaft’s dashboard. When pressed, it instantly populates the display on the front of his bus with the urgent message: “Help I’m lost.”
Route doesn’t ring a bell
Crankshaft, speaking to the SUFFOLK GAZETTE, shared insights into the effectiveness of this new feature. “I’ve only had to use the emergency messaging facility twice since it was installed last week,” he disclosed. The first instance, he admitted, was due to his own forgetfulness about the purpose of the question mark button.
“The second time,” Crankshaft recounted with a wry grin, “was when a passenger asked me to help lift a buggy onto the bus… I couldn’t be arsed to do the heavy lifting, so I just pressed the button.”
His casual attitude toward utilizing the emergency message feature left this reporter incredulous, yet Crankshaft remains appreciative of the support provided by his employers. “It’s a relief to know I have this option,” he confessed. “It’s all about making sure I can still do my job and… erm… sorry, err? what were we talking about?”
The initiative by Ipswich Buses highlights a compassionate approach to accommodating employees with cognitive challenges while ensuring passenger safety and service continuity.
As Crankshaft continues his route, passengers can rest assured that even if he occasionally loses his bearings, help is just a button press away.
The twenty-first century marks the emergence of technological advancements, which cut across many industries. The entertainment world has witnessed a revolution over the years: the rise of online gambling.
This emerging trend has become increasingly accessible thanks to the growth of the mobile games market. While the thrill of the casino experience is great, it is worth noting that mobile gambling has positively impacted the environment in numerous ways.
While our experts give a thumbs up to online gamblers who made the switch to this new rave of gambling, it is vital to explore these environmental benefits. This article discusses how mobile casinos contribute to Austria’s green future.
5 Significant Benefits of Online Casino Platforms in Australia
Industries with physical establishments leave a significant ecological footprint, and the gambling sector is not excluded. These physical sites cater to hundreds of audiences in attendance and various pokie machines; they consume vast amounts of energy. It is no doubt apparent that mobile casinos rise to the occasion, offering an eco-friendlier alternative.
Recent reports indicate that about 2 in 5 Australian gamblers place bets from their smartphones, which implies reduced visits to a physical location to do so. Let’s examine a few environmental perks this new trend brings.
Reduction of Carbon Emissions
A significant perk of mobile casino platforms is how they reduce physical travel. Users can imagine the countless car and bus trips avoided when they can enjoy their favourite pokies or live dealer titles from their couch.
Also, this new form of gambling allows Aussies to enjoy casino games regardless of location. Whether they are on a business trip in Perth or relaxing on a beach in Byron Bay, a mobile casino with top security measures is always within reach.
Energy Efficiency and Sustainability
Many casinos leverage existing digital infrastructure, reducing the dependence on additional power-intensive buildings and equipment. They differ from their land-based counterparts, who need constant lighting and rows of slot machines, by operating on efficient servers that consume less power.
Furthermore, the increased adoption of renewable energy success has further led the iGaming sector to reduce its environmental impact. They can power gaming operations via wind, solar, or hydroelectricity.
Physical casinos require vast resources to construct and maintain — from concrete and steel for buildings to the ongoing use of water and electricity — which makes the environmental impact undeniable. On the flip side, mobile casinos do not need these resources to survive. Since it operates in a smaller physical space, there is no construction waste and reduced water consumption.
Balancing Online Gambling with Offline Activities
The convenience and accessibility that mobile casinos offer are excellent for all users who enjoy gambling on the go. Yet, it is vital to maintain a healthy balance between online and offline activities. This is important as one can infringe on the other without care.
Experts at Stakers recommend that users see online gambling as a form of entertainment, not a replacement for social activities. Here are a few tips that can help users achieve such balance.
Set time limits on gaming activities and stick to them.
Play with funds that you can afford to risk only.
Prioritize face-to-face interactions with family and loved ones.
Final Thoughts
The rise of iGaming platforms in Australia presents an opportunity to combine entertainment with environmental practices. Notably, more eco-friendly practices will be expected as the industry grows and innovates. Users who are delighted by these prospects should cultivate a balanced approach to this new gaming trend. While they can enjoy the ease and convenience, it is vital to step away from the screen and embrace the beauty of the natural world.
Britain’s ‘Ghost Shortage’ does not apply to the Labour Party
LABOUR PARTY HQ, LOWESTOFT – Britain is said to be grappling with a crisis of the paranormal kind – a shortage of ghosts – but try telling that to Sir Keir Starmer.
By Our Political Correspondent: Polly Ticks
According to leading paranormal expert Dr. Bill Spector, the UK’s ghostly heritage is dwindling as ageing spirits either fade away or move on to the “other side.”
But Dr. Spector, renowned for his research into all things eerie. He would be hard-pressed to convince Sir Keir that ghosts are a thing of the past. As the terrifying spectre of Labour’s hard-left ghouls and ghosts: Jeremy Corbyn, Diane Abbott, and Tony Blair follow him around, spooking his campaign at every turn.
Ghosts in the machine
Spector (no relation to 60’s record Producer, Phil) who has a PhD in Scooby Doo cartoons. He shared his findings with the SUFFOLK GAZETTE, noting a concerning trend since January 2020.
“I’ve been tracking all the reported haunted locations in Suffolk” he revealed. “And apart from the Labour Party HQ in Westminster, many have reported no unexplained activity in recent years.”
Among the affected locations with sparse spooks are famed haunts like The Angel Hotel in Lavenham, Bungay Castle, and The Woolpack Pub in Ipswich. “It seems as though many famous ghosts are either dormant or have vanished,” Dr. Spector lamented.
However, he offered a glimmer of hope, suggesting that the ghosts of Labour’s hard-left like Hackney North MP, Abbott. Who was suspended last year for saying Jewish, Irish and Traveller people do not face racism like black people, are still in evidence and are likely to make more appearances as the general election campaign hots up.
Could it be that the malign spirits of Abbott and Corbyn will malinger on in the political realm. Even after Starmer enters Downing St, influencing the Labour Party’s fortunes from beyond the grave, and hastening Britain’s grim decline? Only time will tell.
It’s just under a month until Europe’s powerhouses clash on the international stage, as Euro 2024 kicks off on June 14 with Germany taking on Scotland at the Allianz Arena.
The current Euro winner odds have England, France and Germany as the favourites for the competition, however, there are a few nations heading into the tournament that could exceed all expectations placed upon them.
Austria
Beginning with one of the most in-form nations in international football currently, Austria have hit their stride just before Euro 2024 under the tenure of former Manchester United boss, Ralf Rangnick.
The German has overseen only one defeat in the last 14 games for Austria since their disappointing five-game run without a victory that saw them relegated from League A of the UEFA Nations League.
That single defeat came in a narrow 3-2 loss to Belgium in October 2023 despite still showing positive signs, holding 58% possession and registering nine more shot attempts.
Along the way, Rangnick has also managed some impressive results against credible opposition, with 2-0 victories over both Italy and Germany, a double over Sweden in Euro qualification, a 1-1 stalemate against Belgium, and their most recent result being a 6-1 thumping of Turkey.
Placed in Group D alongside European giants Netherlands, France, and Poland, Rangnick’s men are not expected to progress through the group stages. However, with the form they have displayed leading into the tournament, there is a real potential of Austria causing a major upset in the group stages.
Hungary
Likewise, Hungary are another side that are currently flying ahead of Euro 2024. Unbeaten in their last 14 matches, their last defeat came against the reigning Euro 2020 champions, Italy, in 2022.
In Euro 2020, the odds were stacked against the Hungarians, as they were placed in the ‘Group of Death’ with France, Germany, and Portugal, finishing bottom of the group despite two impressive draws against France and Germany.
Although, this time their pathway for qualification to the knockout stages is looking far kinder, as they have once again drawn Germany in Group A, alongside Scotland and Switzerland.
Defensively, head coach, Marco Rossi, will be relying on the experience of his RB Leipzig duo, Peter Gulacsi, and Willi Orban, to help keep the opposition at bay, and will also need Liverpool star, Dominik Szoboszlai, to be on top form offensively to provide inspiration for his side.
A less difficult group, coupled with recent form bodes well for a more positive tournament than in 2021, and they may well prove to be a dark horse to watch out for this summer.
Ukraine
Another side heading into the tournament in great form are Ukraine, suffering only a single defeat in their previous ten international fixtures, while facing off against some of Europe’s best outfits.
Draws against Germany, England and Italy are among their recent results, displaying that they can compete with Europe’s elite, and could prove to be a tricky knockout game for anyone if they qualify past the group stages.
Residing in Group E, Ukraine have drawn a relatively fortunate group, containing Slovakia, Belgium, and Romania, which provides them with a great opportunity to qualify for the knockout stages.
Especially considering the crop of talent that they currently possess, with head coach, Serhiy Rebrov, having some outstanding players to choose from.
Some notable options include Real Madrid’s Andriy Lunin, who has had an excellent season filling in for Thibaut Courtois, Mykhailo Mudryk, who was valued at £88.5 million by Chelsea in January 2023, Artem Dovbyk, who has registered 27 goal contributions for Girona in LaLiga this season, as well as Arsenal’s Oleksandr Zinchenko, and Everton’s Vitaliy Mykolenko.
Croatia
Punching above their weight by progressing to the final and semi-final of the last two World Cup’s, Croatia have built a reputation for being a dangerous outfit that can threaten and overcome any international giant, which is reflected in the UEFA Euro 2024 betting odds ahead of their opening fixture against Spain.
However, despite their fantastic recent record in World Cups, they are yet to translate that success into the Euros, as they have been knocked out of the last two tournaments in the round of 16 by both Portugal and Spain.
Once again, the Croats will have to earn their reputation as giant killers in international football, as they find themselves in Group B, contesting against Spain, Italy, and Albania to qualify for the knockout stages.
Though they face tough opposition, manager, Zlatko Dalic, does have top class talent at his disposal, including Manchester City duo, Josko Gvardiol, and Mateo Kovacic, as well as Luka Modric, Josip Stanisic, Marcelo Brozovic, and Andrej Kramaric.
With the quality they possess, and the recent track record in international tournaments, it would certainly be foolish to rule out Croatia’s chances of making an appearance late on in the competition.
DOWNING ST, WESTMINSTER – A soaked Rishi Sunak, stunned the nation by calling for a snap general election on July 4, inviting a torrent of controversy from within the ranks of his own party.
Branded by Tory members as the “kamikaze election,” Sunak’s decision has been met with bewilderment and concern, with many questioning the wisdom of a quick poll. One former minister, speaking on condition of anonymity, told the SUFFOLK GAZETTE, “We are not sure who will come out of this with their arse intact.”
However, Sunak’s dramatic announcement was not without its own theatrical flair—or lack thereof. As he addressed the nation amidst a torrential downpour, the stage management left much to be desired. Drenched to the bone and standing in puddles of rain without so much as an umbrella.
Rishi Sunak battled not only the elements but also the cacophony of 90s pop anthem ‘Things Can Only Get better’ blaring in the background—a fittingly ironic soundtrack for a political spectacle gone awry.
Wet Tory
Nevertheless, with the die cast and the campaign officially underway, political parties wasted no time in launching into action. Sunak himself embarked on a whirlwind tour of the UK, hopping from one broadcast studio to another before crisscrossing all four nations in a mere two days, attempting to sway voters with his vision for the future.
Rishi & Elections
Meanwhile, his opponent, Sir Keir Starmer, wasted no time in hitting the election campaign trail, heading to the south east in a bid to wrest control of traditional Conservative strongholds. Speaking to voters, Starmer declared that the country’s fate lies in their hands—a sentiment echoed ad nauseam, as he touted himself as the leader of “A changed Labour party, a changed Labour party, a changed Labour party, etc.” Change the record more like.
As the nation braces itself for five weeks of political warfare, one thing is certain: to win, fishy Rishi will have to put in a campaign performance a lot less wet than the one he gave on the sodden steps of No.10 yestreday.
Britain’s No.2 ladies’ doubles pair take double lavatory bowls in each cubicle at Suffolk Tennis Club
BURY ST EDMUNDS, SUFFOLK – Suffolk Tennis Club has unveiled a novel addition to the women’s restroom facilities: dual lavatory bowls in each cubicle!
Consumer Correspondent: Colin Allcabs
The rationale behind this peculiar setup? To accommodate the club’s women’s doubles team during their mid-match comfort breaks.
Lucinda Davenport, Chairwoman of the club, explained the reasoning behind this groundbreaking decision to the SUFFOLK GAZETTE. “It’s unfair to only provide one toilet,” declared Davenport in a high-pitched, hoity-toity voice, “when both ladies may require to pee at the same time! We are committed to ensuring that our players’ she-wee needs are met with the utmost consideration.”
The new twin-toilet cubicles have been installed to reduce the wait time during those crucial moments when nature calls, thus preventing any potential disruption to the flow of the game. “The last thing we want is for one of our star players to be stuck crossing her legs while her partner takes her turn,” Davenport added. “This way, both can get back on the court as quickly as possible.”
The installation has sparked a wave of mixed reactions from club members and social media commentators. Some laud the club’s forward-thinking approach to equality and efficiency, while others have questioned the necessity and practicality of the setup.
“Do they expect us to hold hands while we pee?” quipped club member and doubles enthusiast, Felicity Puddleworth. “I mean, I love my doubles partner, but this is taking team spirit to a whole new level.”
Tennis Balls
Another player, who appeared very heavy-set with poorly covered-up six o’clock shadow, giggled as they told our reporter “I’m a lady, and I just love the new lavvies. I can’t wait to go and take a pee… I just hope that my tennis partner doesn’t mind looking at my cock while she’s taking a shit! Tee-hee-hee!”
63 years old man flies to Ibiza for party, with ASDA bag in hand
A 63-year-old dad from Ipswich, Suffolk, embarked on a journey that would take him far from home with only ASDA bag in hand. His intended destination – the dancefloor of Pacha nightclub in Ibiza. 24-hour party dad swaps chill zone for warzone.
Entertainment Editor: Arthur Pint
With a passport in one hand and an ASDA carrier bag, containing nothing but a change of clothes. In the other, Frank Gazebo, a casualty from the 90’s rave scene, had one thing on his mind – raving it up at top nightclub, Pacha.
His sole intention? To hit the dance floor, feel the music, and be back in the UK within 24 hours. What could possibly go wrong?
Sorted for E’s, whizz and white phosphorous
The trouble started when Frank arrived at Stansted Airport. Perhaps it was the excitement of the impending rave, or maybe it was the effect of “the few beers” he enjoyed in the departure lounge. Mistakenly, a half-cut Gazebo boarded the wrong flight.
Instead of Ryanair flight RY746 to Ibiza, he settled down on AEROFLOT flight ARX58 to Donetsk International Airport – situated in the middle of the warzone between Russia and Ukraine.
While a good night’s dance beneath the laser-beam lights in Ibiza might have been the plan. Dancing between the missile explosions and blinding white phosphorous in Ukraine was not definitely what Gazebo had in mind.
Collapsing house music
Desperate as I was to get an on-the-spot scoop direct from Gazebo. But too cowardly to actually visit the front line. I switched on BBC News 24 and listened to what Kate Adie had to say live from the Donbas… “When I spoke to Gazebo, it was obvious he had no choice but to come to terms with his new reality,”. Relayed a stoic Adie from between exploding artillery shells and collapsing buildings. “Instead of neon lights and thumping beats.His soundtrack was the distant rumble of artillery fire and the cacophony of conflict. Glow sticks had been replaced with emergency flares, and instead of DJs, there were soldiers manning checkpoints.” – What a pro.
As Frank Gazebo finds himself trapped in a nightmare amidst the tumultuous events in the Donbas region. He will have plenty of time to practice the new dance move he has been forced to add to his repertoire. The geopolitical hot shoe shuffle between war-torn borders.
