Friday, February 13, 2026
Home Blog Page 24

Sci-Fi in suburbia: Cyberman’s Tesco trip baffles Ipswich commuters

The Editor
-
0
Sci-Fi in suburbia: Cyberman’s Tesco trip baffles Ipswich commuters
Sci-Fi in suburbia: Cyberman’s Tesco trip baffles Ipswich commuters

IPSWICH, PLANET EARTH – Passengers aboard the No.13 bus traveling to Copdock Tesco via Hawthorn Drive and Belmont Road experienced a spectacle straight out of a sci-fi script “Cyberman”.

Entertainment Editor: Arthur Pint

Witnesses report seeing a Cyberman — yes, one of those famously emotionless Doctor Who villains — but not as they know it. This new variant boasted the usual tubular helmet frame but came in a startling bright banana yellow.

Doctor asks who?

Commuters initially assumed it was a particularly vivid Halloween costume or some avant-garde street performance, but the figure’s deadpan metallic gaze suggested otherwise. “At first, I thought it was just someone who’d really overdone the high-vis gear,” said fellow passenger Dr Helen Marsh. “But then it didn’t blink, or check their phone. It just stared ahead, as if calculating the existential dread of queueing at Tesco’s reduced aisle.”

Cyberman mystery

Why this Banana Cyberman was on the bus remains a mystery. Speculation abounds that the Cybermen, traditionally bent on converting humanity into cybernetic drones, might have returned with a new mission: to eradicate the latest iteration of Doctor Who itself. The controversial series, recently cancelled by the BBC after consistently poor viewing figures and widespread critical disdain, may have provoked the ire of these fictional villains.

“If you ask me, even the Cybermen want to reboot the show,” joked bus driver Steve Collins. “I just hope they don’t start asking for Oyster cards — those things are a nightmare.”

For now, Ipswich’s No.13 bus route has entered the annals of pop culture history as the place where sci-fi lore met suburban shopping runs — with a splash of yellow. Passengers are advised to keep an eye out for any other unexpected extraterrestrial commuters.

Meanwhile: Ryanair pilots hi-five at 30,000ft

Possessed washing machine sends Suffolk man to hospital with heart attack

The Editor
-
0
Possessed washing machine sends Suffolk man to hospital with heart attack
Possessed washing machine sends Suffolk man to hospital with heart attack

A quiet Suffolk household was thrown into chaos last Thursday after a routine load of laundry left one man traumatised and in hospital — all thanks to what he described as a “demonic domestic appliance.”

Entertainment Editor: Arthur Pint

The Suffolk man, George St Pancras, 58, had just returned from his shift at the local garden centre when he entered the utility room to deposit his dirty overalls. What he saw next, however, sent him into immediate cardiac arrest.

The washing machine — reportedly left open by his wife Shirley — was, according to George, “clearly possessed by Satan himself.” A blood-red t-shirt was dangling from the door like a grotesque tongue, while the control knobs, twisted at peculiar angles, gave the machine the appearance of “two spinning, psychotic eyes.”

“It looked like it was about to eat him,” said Shirley, 57, who found George collapsed in a heap next to the detergent drawer. “Honestly, I just left the laundry halfway through to answer the phone. I didn’t realise I’d created a hellmouth.”

Heart conditioner

Paramedics arrived within minutes, noting that while George was clutching his chest in agony, he was also muttering about “the machine grinning at him.”

Doctors at West Suffolk Hospital confirmed George had suffered a mild heart attack “brought on by extreme domestic shock.” He is said to be recovering well and has requested his bed face away from the hospital laundry chute.

Shirley, meanwhile, remains unrepentant. “He’s lucky it wasn’t the tumble dryer — that thing does growl.”

George has since vowed never to enter the utility room alone again and is reportedly in talks with a local vicar about having the washing machine exorcised.

Residents try to deter gent fiddling with their laundry

Air Farce: Iran scrambles toy aircraft in response to Israeli strikes

The Editor
-
0
Air Farce: Iran scrambles toy aircraft in response to Israeli strikes
Air Farce: Iran scrambles toy aircraft in response to Israeli strikes
Iran scrambles toy aircraft in response to Israeli strikes

TEHRAN, IRAN – In the wake of coordinated Israeli airstrikes on Iranian nuclear facilities and military sites. Tehran has promised a “harsh response” — although international observers remain puzzled after witnessing what appears to be a regiment of Iranian pilots sprinting across airfields wearing fibreglass aircraft shells strapped to their shoulders.

Defence Editor: Doug Trench

The operation, dubbed “Operation Heavenly Deception,” is believed to be part of Iran’s latest military innovation. A fleet of carbon-fibre aircraft allegedly crafted from decommissioned children’s roundabouts and municipal playground equipment. The 5ft mock-fighters, painted in patriotic greens and festooned with hastily glued-on fins, are described by defence analysts as “visually ambitious but aerodynamically irrelevant.”

Countering Israeli strikes

“They appear to have no engines, no avionics, and no weaponry,” confirmed Dr. Sheila Gribbins of the International Institute for Strategic Studies. “In fact, I watched one pilot fall over trying to ascend a runway slope. He was carrying a bottle of Yazd mineral water in the cockpit.”

Nevertheless, Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei declared the squadron a “symbol of our spiritual aeronautical superiority,”. Vowing that Israel would face a “bitter and painful fate,” presumably through psychological confusion.

Run way

Satellite images have shown dozens of these pint-sized decoys being arranged into attack formations in response to Israeli strikes, despite being incapable of flight. Iran’s state broadcaster IRIB proudly aired footage of several heroic pilots jogging beneath their fuselages. While patriotic music blared and technicians clapped from the sidelines.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, speaking from an undisclosed and noticeably smug location, dismissed the countermeasures as “cosplay for clerics.”

As fears of wider regional conflict mount, one thing remains certain. Iran’s latest foray into military innovation proves that, when resources dwindle, playgrounds are the new battlegrounds.

Female pilots seek Iranian revolution

Bearly Recognisable: 70s icon Bungle falls on hard times

The Editor
-
0
Bearly Recognisable: 70s icon Bungle falls on hard times
Bearly Recognisable: 70s icon Bungle falls on hard times

DARMSDEN, SUFFOLK – Residents of the sleepy Suffolk village of Darmsden were left stunned this week when beloved 1970s children’s TV icon Bungle the Bear was spotted panhandling for cash and cigarettes outside the Hope & Anchor pub.

Entertainment Editor: Arthur Pint

The sighting was made by Mildred Thong, 72, who described the encounter as “deeply upsetting,” though she added, “he always did seem a bit weird.”

Mrs Thong, a loyal Rainbow viewer in the late 1970s with her children Ken and another Ken, said she recognised Bungle immediately despite the “tatty fur, bloodshot eyes, and a faint smell of White Lightning.”

“He asked me for a Rizla and a quid for the fruit machine,” she recalled. “I thought, ‘Blimey, that’s Bungle – he used to live with Zippy and George. Now he’s got a Lidl bag and a limp.’”

Since Rainbow ended in 1997, Bungle is reported to have struggled with alcohol, women, prescription gummibears, and a string of unsuccessful pantomime appearances. In 2012, he made headlines after being arrested on suspicion of stalking co-star Jane, though no charges were brought, and Jane has since referred to it as “an unpleasant experience during which I was exposed to things I never saw on the show.”

Pot of crap at the end of the rainbow

Locals have reportedly contacted the RSPCA, unsure whether Bungle still qualifies as wildlife or simply “a man in a bear suit who’s lost his way.”

When approached for comment, the pub landlord said, “He’s welcome in here as long as he doesn’t sing the Rainbow theme again.”

Fans of the show have taken to social media to share support. One user wrote: “It’s heartbreaking. He helped teach me colours and the joys of dungarees”

A crowdfunding campaign, “Help Bungle Bear It,” has so far raised £90.

1970s children’s TV responsible for crime wave

Couple’s Alpine birdwatching goes pear-shaped

The Editor
-
0
Couple’s Alpine birdwatching goes pear-shaped
Couple’s Alpine birdwatching goes pear-shaped

ST. MORITZ, SWITZERLAND – A Suffolk couple on holiday in the Swiss Alps have mistaken a solitary pear for an elusive alpine bird. John and Tina Bergkamp, a well-meaning pair from Lowestoft, were enjoying their chalet breakfast when they spotted what they believed to be a curious, possibly endangered, bird perched on a windowsill.

Entertainment Editor: Arthur Pint

“We saw this small creature just sitting there, so still,” said Tina. “It had this plump little body, a proud chest, and what looked like a cute little bill. I said to John, ‘That bird’s got pear-sonality.’”

Unbeknownst to the enthusiastic pair, the object of their fascination was, in fact, a common Conference pear—left to ripen in the Alpine sun by the chalet owner, who later confirmed he often “just sticks a pear on the sill to keep it from the cheese.”

What a pair

Undeterred, the Bergkamps posted a photo of the alleged avian anomaly to Instagram with the caption: “Rare alpine bird? Can anyone identify this beauty? #mysterybird #SwissWildlife #birdquiz.” The post rapidly gained traction, attracting thousands of likes, ornithological speculation, and at least one heated debate between a pair of professors over the genus of what was, again, just a pear.

The Alpine bird

The pair’s holiday has since been dubbed “The Great Pear Panic” by local press. Back home, the Suffolk couple are taking the mix-up in stride. “We’re not embarrassed,” said John. “It’s not every day a pair mistake a pear for a bird.”

In response to the viral post, a fruit merchant in Zurich has offered the couple a lifetime supply of pears, calling them “unexpected ambassadors of produce.”

The pear, for its part, remains unavailable for comment.

Britain threatens to invade Switzerland over Toblerone shape row

Gammons warned: Too many British holidaymakers could obstruct migrant landings

The Editor
-
0
Gammons warned: Too many British holidaymakers could obstruct migrant landings
Gammons warned: Too many British holidaymakers could obstruct migrant landings

DOVER, KENT – Home Secretary Yvette Cooper has urged British holidaymakers to cancel their seaside getaways in order to free up space for incoming migrant dinghies.

Entertainment Editor: Arthur Pint

With over 10,000 people having already crossed the English Channel in small boats this year—a 40% increase compared to this time in 2024—officials are growing increasingly concerned that traditional beach towels, windbreakers and melting 99 Flakes may obstruct vital migrant landing zones.

“We’re facing a capacity crisis,” Cooper is reported to have said. “If every square metre of shingle from Dover to Durdle Door is packed with sunburnt Mancunians and inflatable flamingos, where exactly are desperate migrants meant to disembark? On the A27?”

The Home Office confirmed the milestone was passed on Monday, after more than 200 people crossed in a single day. That followed Sunday’s tally of 247, bringing the total to a tidy 10,132—somewhere between a Glastonbury crowd and a modest-sized Wetherspoons queue.

Red flag to a gammon

A government spokesperson defended the position: “We’re committed to making sure that anyone brave enough to escape France’s boulangerie tyranny is met with warmth, dignity, and, ideally, a clear bit of beach not already taken by Dave from Romford and his portable barbecue.”

Labour, which swept to power in July on promises to “smash” people-smuggling gangs, has so far successfully smashed only the dreams of British caravan park owners.

British Holidaymakers are now being encouraged to consider alternative inland destinations—perhaps the Lake District, the Cotswolds, or, ideally, somewhere French.

Meanwhile, the government is rumored to be trialing a new colour-coded beach flag system: red for unsafe swimming, yellow for lifeguard patrols, and blue for “Active Migrant Landing Zone—Please Relocate Your Picnic Immediately.”

Revealed: yet more Norfolk migrants arrive in Suffolk by train

Jersey Cop Jim Bergerac Murdered on TV

The Editor
-
0
Jersey Cop Jim Bergerac Murdered on TV
Jersey Cop Jim Bergerac Murdered on TV

SAINT HELIER, JERSEY –  Authorities are investigating what they are calling the “coldest, most calculated murder of a television character in recent memory,” following the broadcast of the BBC’s much-anticipated Bergerac reboot, which aired its first episode this week. The victim: Detective Sergeant Jim Bergerac. The cause of death: character assassination.

Crime Correspondent: Hugh Dunnett

Early forensic analysis indicates that the attack was premeditated. The suspect, Damien Molony, was seen brooding at the scene, delivering what investigators describe as a “whisper-heavy” performance so lacking in vitality, viewers feared their remotes had malfunctioned. Unlike John Nettles’ charismatic original portrayal, Molony’s Jim Bergerac appeared “emotionally anaesthetised, frequently inaudible, and seemingly unsure of why he was present.”

Former lead John Nettles, reportedly offered a cameo, declined to return. Sources suggest the script “reeked of betrayal.”

Crime Scene

The crime scene is notably absent of one of its most crucial witnesses: the island of Jersey. Once a vivid, ever-present co-star, the island’s granite cliffs, winding lanes, and tax-sheltering charm have been erased. Aerial surveillance confirms barely a trace remains. “It’s like Jersey entered witness protection,” said one baffled fan.

Meanwhile, key supporting characters have also vanished without explanation. Charles Hungerford, Jim Bergerac’s roguish uncle, has been replaced in a vague, unconvincing gender update. Diamante Lil, the island’s beloved rumour mill and human glitterball, has been airbrushed out entirely — a disappearance fans are calling “suspicious and culturally reckless.”

The Investigation

Primary suspects in the creative homicide — writers Toby Whithouse, Brian Fillis, Catherine Tregenna, and Polly Buckle — are believed to have used the Jim Bergerac name “for personal gain,” according to sources close to the investigation. A 1949 Triumph Roadster was found at the scene, apparently unharmed.

Locals are calling for justice. A small memorial has appeared near Saint Helier harbour. It reads simply: “He died as he lived: solving crimes. Sadly, this one was his own reboot.”

Case Closed.

Must read: Lottery winner blows his fortune on a Southwold holiday

‘Miracle of seat 11A’ sparks booking frenzy at Suffolk Airlines

The Editor
-
0
‘Miracle of seat 11A’ sparks booking frenzy at Suffolk Airlines
‘Miracle of seat 11A’ sparks booking frenzy at Suffolk Airlines

SUFFOLK, UK – Suffolk Airlines, East Anglia’s favourite (and only) international carrier, has reported an unprecedented spike in requests for seat 11A following what social media is calling the “Miracle of Ahmedabad.”

Security Correspondent: Ben Twarters

The frenzy comes after British-Indian national Vishwash Kumar Ramesh emerged as the sole survivor of a devastating Air India crash earlier this week, which claimed 241 lives. Ramesh, seated in 11A, reportedly walked from the wreckage wearing a bloodstained shirt and an expression described by witnesses as “mildly inconvenienced.”

Now, Suffolk Airlines says it’s struggling to meet demand.

“We’ve had 947 people try to book 11A on a 42-seater flight to Maastricht,” confirmed airline spokesperson Mandy Thistlethwaite. “One man offered us a goat and two crates of Monster Munch for it. Someone else tried to book 11A on a plane that doesn’t have rows, like our 1983 CropDuster 2000.”

The airline has responded by introducing “11A Experience Packages,” including complimentary laminated boarding passes, a pre-smeared ketchup stain on the headrest, and a safety card autographed by someone named ‘Vish’ (believed to be a cleaner at Bury St Edmunds depot).

Heaven eleven

The actual Seat 11A, meanwhile, has been moved to an illuminated plinth in the departure lounge at RAF Wattisham Leisure Terminal, where pilgrims queue for selfies and minor blessings. One man claimed he placed a scratch card on it and instantly won £10.

Suffolk Airlines CEO Barry Wingleton warned against irrational exuberance: “Let’s remember, statistically, more people have died in seat 11A than survived. It’s not a magic chair, it’s just the one near the loo.”

Ramesh, currently recovering in hospital, was said to be “bemused but flattered,” and has politely requested privacy — especially from the man who’s been calling daily offering to swap seats with him “for karma purposes.”

1...232425...411Page 24 of 411

Just In

Sport

Business

Features

Contact us