The British election campaign is turning up a parade of eccentric characters making ludicrous promises.
By Our Political Correspondent: Polly Ticks
Leading the way are candidates whose manifestos could have been penned by Jim Henson himself. With a mix of absurdity and comedy that makes Kermit the Frog look like a serious politician.
Take Sir Kier Starmer, leader of the Labour Party who told reporters that only ‘99.9 per cent of women’ do not have a penis. Implying that one in every thousand women DO have a penis!
Not to be outdone, Lord Biro of the Bus-Pass Elvis Party. Whose 2016 Witney by-election promises included better daytime TV for those on benefits. Euthanasia booths in Wetherspoons pubs. A chain of Virgin Brothels started by Richard Branson with a generous 20% discount for OAPs.
These candidates are often dismissed as harmless oddballs. Yet they offer a refreshing contrast to the mainstream party to the right of the Tories. Which some say, harbours a more sinister breed of oddballs.
UKIP, the party famously dubbed by David Cameron as a home for “fruitcakes, loonies, and closet racists,” seems to have birthed a new generation in the form of Reform UK.
Rayner is a slag
Reform UK has already made headlines for ditching prospective candidates over questionable social media posts. Among the highlights is Pete Addis, who used a racist slur about the Chinese and called Angela Rayner a “slag,”.
Reform deputy Richard Tice nonchalantly commented that “every party has its fair share of muppets and morons”. It’s tempting to dismiss Reform UK as a bad joke. Their potential to siphon votes from the Tories could pave the way for a Labour landslide. A prospect that has the Conservatives in a cold sweat.
Recent polls show 42% of Reform voters would back Rishi Sunak if he offered a referendum on immigration. Potentially leading to another nation-splitting debate on shutting borders. Sunak, desperate after the Rwanda policy debacle, might just consider this move, echoing Cameron’s ill-fated 2016 referendum.
As British voters prepare to cast their ballots. It seems the political landscape is like an episode of The Muppet Show. With each character more absurd than the last.
Suffolk Funeral Service offers ‘do-it-yourself’ burials
KNETTISHAL, SUFFOLK/NORFOLK BORDER – The quiet town of Knettishall is home to a new post-mortem service, the Self Cemetery. The new afterlife service aims to provide a place of rest for those who have found life too challenging to go on.
By Our Norfolk Reporter: Ian Bred
Whether for the aged, the ill, or merely those overwhelmed by the pressures of modern life. Self Cemetery offers what it bills as “the easy way out.”
Suicide was decriminalized in the UK in 1961, and while it remains a topic shrouded in controversy. Self Cemetery argues that it merely provides a dignified option for those who see no other escape.
The service promises that those who choose to ‘check out early’ will spend eternity in serene. Natural surroundings and far removed from the hustle and bustle of life on Earth.
Best option
The cemetery is nestled in the idyllic countryside of Knettishall, providing a tranquil final resting place for its dead customers. “Our mission is to offer a peaceful and respectful departure for those who say goodbye to our cruel world” said the cemetery’s spokesperson, Morticia Graves. “Self Cemetry is not for everyone, but for some, it may be the best and only option.”
Critic, Reverend Hope Less of the local parish remarked, “While we must respect individual choices, it’s deeply troubling to see such a service promoted. We should be offering hope and support, not a final escape. More tea?”
Self Cemetery challenges
Despite the controversy, Self Cemetery is pressing forward, promoting its service as a serene solution for life’s most insurmountable challenges. The cemetery’s marketing materials highlight the beauty of its natural surroundings, promising potential patrons an eternity of peace and quiet, far removed from daily traumas like shopping, paying bills and trying to find something new to watch on Netflix.
Green Party election battle bus fuelled by chip fat
LOWESTOFT, SUFFOLK – In a futile display of eco-friendly electioneering. The Green Party has unveiled its election battle bus, fuelled entirely by chip fat.
By Our Political Correspondent: Polly Ticks
Suffolk Coastal Green parliamentary candidate Julian Cucumber launched his election bus campaign yesterday. In a chip-fat-powered double-decker bus, trundling up and down the Lowestoft seafront, leaving a distinct scent of fries and hundreds of broccoli florets in its wake.
Cucumber, a seasoned local councillor, business leader, and charity volunteer. She told reporters that his Chef boyfriend, Kevin has been saving the oil used to cook chips at his restaurant. ‘The Generous Aubergine’ in Lowestoft, to power the election bus. “It’s sustainable, it’s innovative, and it smells delicious,” Cucumber proclaimed, clearly relishing the attention.
Noise pollution
The election bus, which resembles a mobile greengrocer’s shop, turned heads as it made its way along the seafront. From the top deck, Cucumber announced Green Party policies through a tannoy, much to the annoyance of onlookers.
“An end to immigration detention for all migrants unless they are a danger to public safety!” blared Cucumber. Pausing as the wind carried the aroma of frying oil across the promenade.
“Scrapping the Police, Crime Sentencing and Courts Act, the Public Order Act. Other legislation that erodes the right to protest and free expression!” he continued, his voice competing with the seagulls’ squawks.
Election bus moto
“And we will campaign for the right of self-identification for trans and non-binary people!” he concluded, as the bus chugged along, leaving a trail of disinterested and mildly hungry locals behind him.
Controversial Suffolk shopkeeper shows customers his human side
Bury St Edmunds’ controversial supermarket, has once again landed in hot water after adding “Human Burgers” to its meat counter.
By Our Consumer Correspondent: Colin Allcabs
This comes only weeks after a series of mislabelled meat products left vegetarian and vegan customers feeling ill.
Run by the indefatigable Sadiq Cant and his wife, Sue. The store has quickly garnered attention for its budget-friendly offerings and quirky alternatives to more established chains. However, their innovative approach might have crossed a line this time.
The latest controversy erupted when the human burgers made their debut, nestled comfortably between the pork sausages and beef steaks. The sight left many shoppers doing a double take and wondering if they had wandered into a horror movie instead of their local grocery store.
The real HUMAN BURGERS
Only a few weeks prior, plant-based customers experienced a puking nightmare. When they purchased what they believed to be meat substitutes. These unsuspecting shoppers, expecting to enjoy a vegan feast. Instead found themselves chomping on genuine joints of ham and other meats, mislabelled as “plant-based.”
Congo wrong with a human burger
Sadiq Cant, undeterred by the uproar, seemed nonchalant about introducing the cannibal-friendly burgers. “Whaaaat? It’s only a bit of human innit!” he told the SUFFOLK GAZETTE, attributing the idea to a recent holiday he and his wife took in the Congo.
“They were a big bluddy hit in the jungle. You should try one. Tastes like chikun.” he added, with a shrug that suggested he genuinely believed this would catch on in Suffolk.
As the saga of Strawberry Local continues, one thing is clear: the Cants are committed to keeping their store in the headlines, even if it means pushing the boundaries of good taste—and legality. Whether this latest stunt will attract adventurous eaters or drive customers away remains to be seen.
Graffiti artist Banksy has come out with another artwork that links Liz Truss with former US President Donald Trump.
By Our Political Correspondent: Polly Ticks
FARMER’S FIELD, NORFOLK – In a quaint, politically charged corner of Norfolk. The election campaign poster of Liz Truss, has become the latest blank canvas for left-wing do-gooders.
The usual suspects—Greenpeace, The Liberal Democrats, and the ever-vocal Greta Thunberg – have all been implicated in the ‘artistic’ vandalism of Truss’s campaign sign by the all time favourite Graffiti artist.
The sign, which originally declared “Liz Truss – Working for South West Norfolk,”. Now proclaims “Liz Trump – Working for South West Norfolk.”
The inane rebranding, no doubt intended to link Truss with former US President Donald Trump, aims to paint her as a right-wing extremist, much to the delight of local loony-leftists.
Lack of Truss
While no perpetrators have been caught in the act, the method of attack bears the hallmarks of far-left political activism. This guerrilla graffiti campaign has certainly stirred the pot in a constituency represented by Truss since 2010. It has turned many heads – both amused and outraged.
Local resident, and retired Army Colonel, William Balderdash Q.E.D, chair of the campaign group Residents Against Everything (RAGE), expressed his dismay: “This is a blatant attempt to undermine Liz’s campaign by comparing her to Trump. It’s childish, unoriginal and clearly the work of a nincompoop. Goes to show, you can’t trust a pinko.”
Meanwhile, Daphne Greenstamp, a self-proclaimed eco-warrior and Liberal Democrat enthusiast, giggled as she commented, “I think it’s hilarious! Maybe now people will see the true colours of the nasty Tory Party!”
Graffiti artist got an attention
In the midst of this paint-based skirmish, Truss’s campaign remains unfazed. A spokesperson for Truss stated, “This desperate act of vandalism only highlights the fear that our opponents feel. Liz Truss is committed to working for the people of South West Norfolk, no matter what her sign says.”
As election day approaches, the true impact of this political prank remains to be seen. Will Truss’s electoral humiliation extend to her losing her parliamentary seat, or will she survive in her bid to MEGA – Make England Great Again?
LETHERINGHAM, EAST SUFFOLK – Suffolk Police’s Collision Investigation Unit found itself the subject of an investigation after one of its own vehicles crashed into a wall.
By Our Crime Editor: Rob Banks
The embarrassing mishap occurred in broad daylight, leaving both bystanders and officials wondering how such a calamity could have occurred.
In 2023, the Suffolk Collision Investigation Unit conducted a total of 185 investigations. Notably, 72 of these were for collisions involving members of the public. However, a staggering 113 investigations were for incidents where a police vehicle crashed into an inanimate object.
Crash out of Europe
The cause of the latest crash is not known, but eyewitness accounts suggest a rather embarrassing explanation. According to onlookers, the driver was heard enthusiastically yelling, “Yessssssssss, goal! Come on England!” moments before the collision. A mobile phone, still streaming a Euro 24 football match, was discovered at the scene, providing a likely clue as to what might have distracted the officer.
Local resident, Sheila Grimble, 62 who witnessed the event, commented, “I couldn’t believe my blimmin’ eyes, or ears. One moment, the car was cruising along, and the next, CRUUUUUNCH! I flipped my blimmin’ wig, so I did!’
Collision Investigation Unit explanation
A spokesperson for Suffolk Police attempted to downplay the incident, stating, “’ello, ‘ello ‘ello. We takes hall collisions seriously, regardless of the circumstances. This event will be thoroughly hinvestigated, and appropriate measures will be taken.” The statement, however, was received by the local press as little more than evasive bullshit.
As the investigation continues, one thing is clear: Suffolk Police’s Collision Investigation Unit has proved once and for all that not only can pigs not fly, they can’t drive either.
What Movie Gambling Scenes Deliberately Get it Wrong?
Adding gambling scenes to a movie is a surefire way to inject some extra excitement and develop the characters. However, some of the most interesting movies with gambling scenes have intentionally misrepresented things, sparking online discussions about their intended meaning.
Rain Man and the Incorrect Roulette Prediction
The roulette scene in Rain Man stands out as being a moment that’s difficult to interpret. In this four-time Oscar winner from 1988, Dustin Hoffman plays the character of Raymond. He uses his incredible memory and skill to perform complex calculations, even though he flouts casino etiquette by touching the cards. So, when he heads to the roulette table with Charlie (Tom Cruise), we expect him to succeed. Raymond looks bewildered when his prediction of the number 20 fails to win, and the fact that this is never mentioned again leads some viewers to believe that it was part of a cut scene that should have been deleted.
Yet, perhaps the real reason for this scene is to show that Raymond doesn’t have any magic powers and can’t predict the outcome of games of chance like roulette any more than anyone else. A look at the range of different ways of playing online roulette at Paddy’s shows that a random outcome is the key in different versions like Quantum Roulette and Lightning Roulette. This game has evolved to include live-streamed dealers and random multipliers to add variety, but it essentially retains the same gameplay in which no one knows which number the ball will land on.
Austin Powers Fails to Understand Blackjack
If there remains doubt over whether the roulette scene in Rain Main is a mistake or part of the plot designed to show us that Raymond isn’t using special powers to win games of chance, there are no such doubts over the blackjack scene in Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery. In this 1997 film, Mike Myers plays the suave spy who ends up playing blackjack at a table with Number 2 (Robert Wagner).
Powers fails spectacularly to understand the rules, insisting that he wants to stand on a total of just five. While this is another game that’s evolved with new types of presentation and side bets among the changes, the goal has always been to try and reach 21. Standing on five makes no sense, and even a complete newcomer to the game should know that Powers could safely hit with no risk of going bust.
A Hard Day’s Night Baccarat Scene
The Beatles’ 1964 movie A Hard Day’s Night helped introduce the group’s sense of humor to a wider audience. Wilfrid Brambell plays Paul McCartney’s grandfather and at one point plays baccarat but calls out bingo when it’s his turn to play. This is a simple card game where he only had to bet on the banker or player’s hand but appears to have confused it with another game.
You don’t need to be an expert in the casino games mentioned to understand that in two of these cases, the writers have deliberately introduced some mistakes to add humor to the selected scenes.
Poker is the #1 pick for late-night sessions with friends or flashy casino tables. But not only that, by the way. It’s also a source of cool life lessons. It’s like a secret classroom where you learn super handy skills!
8 Cool Things Online Poker Can Teach You
#1 Patience
You can’t just rush in poker (well, you can, but that’s a quick way to lose). You’ve got to wait for the right cards, the right moment. This patience translates to real life. Whether it’s waiting for the perfect job opportunity or simply not snapping at the first annoyance, poker teaches you the art of waiting.
Where To Use It:
Everyday Situations: Helps you stay calm and composed in frustrating situations. Think of those long queues at the grocery store or waiting for an important email.
Career: You’ll make better decisions when you wait for the right opportunities, like holding out for the job that fits you perfectly instead of jumping at the first offer.
Practice patience in small things — like waiting a few extra seconds before responding to a text. Builds the habit.
#2 Strategic Thinking
Play a quick game on this Online poker platform. You will see that it is all mainly about the cards YOU hold and about what you think your opponents are holding and how they might play. This teaches you to think ahead, plan your moves, and anticipate reactions. It’s like a mental chess game.
Where To Use It:
Problem-Solving: You’ll become a pro at analyzing situations and coming up with strategies, useful in both personal and professional challenges.
Planning: Whether it’s planning a project at work or a vacation, strategic thinking helps you cover all bases and foresee potential pitfalls.
Start thinking a few steps ahead in daily tasks. It could be as simple as planning your grocery shopping to save time and money.
#3 Emotional Control
Ever seen a poker player with a “poker face”? That’s emotional control. Whether you’re winning big or losing badly, you learn to keep your emotions in check. This is crucial in life where keeping calm can save relationships and jobs.
Where To Use It:
Stress Management: Better control over emotions means less stress. You won’t overreact to minor irritations.
Conflict Resolution: Staying calm helps you handle conflicts more effectively, whether at work or in personal relationships.
Next time you’re feeling overwhelmed, take a deep breath and keep a neutral expression. Practice makes perfect.
Risk Assessment
In poker, you’re constantly evaluating risks – should you go all-in or fold? It even starts with choosing where to play. You first read this JackPoker review, then, make up your mind. This skill is invaluable in life. You learn to assess situations, weigh pros and cons, and make informed decisions.
Where To Use It:
Decision Making: Makes you better at evaluating risks and benefits before making decisions, whether it’s buying a house or choosing a career path.
Financial Planning: Helps in making smarter financial choices by assessing investment risks versus returns.
Apply this in real life by making pros and cons lists for big decisions. It helps visualize the risks and rewards.
#5 Discipline
To succeed in poker, you need discipline – sticking to your strategy, doing what’s planned, and so on. Discipline in poker can easily translate to better habits and routines in life.
Where To Use It:
Time Management: Helps you stick to schedules and deadlines.
Healthy Habits: Encourages sticking to good habits and routines such as exercising regularly or maintaining a balanced diet.
Set a daily routine and keep it consistent.
#6 Observation Skills
Good poker players notice the tiniest details — a twitch, a hesitation. These observation skills are gold in real life. You become more aware of your surroundings and people’s behaviors.
Where To Use It:
Social Interactions: Poker involves a lot of those (both at the table and on social media like https://www.instagram.com/jackpoker_room/). This helps you read people better and understand their intentions.
Workplace Efficiency: Makes you more attentive and detail-oriented.
Start observing small details in conversations — body language, tone changes. Perhaps, you’ll be surprised at what you learn.
#7 Adaptability
Poker is unpredictable. You might have a strategy, but you need to adapt to changing situations and opponents. This adaptability is a great life skill. It helps you to stay flexible and open to change.
Where To Use It:
Career Growth: Makes you more adaptable to new roles and responsibilities.
Problem Solving: You can handle unexpected situations with ease.
Embrace change in small ways — take a different route to work or try a new hobby. It builds your adaptability muscles.
#8 Resilience
Poker teaches you how to handle losing. You can’t win every hand, and that’s okay. Learning to bounce back from a loss and not letting it affect your next move is a powerful lesson. Life’s full of setbacks, and being resilient helps you push through.
Where To Use It:
Personal Growth: Helps you handle failures and setbacks in life (and even turn them into learning experiences).
Career: Builds a thick skin so that you don’t get disheartened by professional setbacks.
When you face a setback, take a moment to reflect on what you can learn from it. Use that lesson to bounce back stronger.
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So there you have it — eight cool things online poker can teach you. As you see, there are really cool skills you pick up along the way, no matter whether you win or lose.
