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Predictions 2024-2025 Premier League

The Editor
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Predictions 2024-2025 Premier League

Having won six of the last seven Premier League titles, Manchester City stands as the most dominant force in the league and arguably in European football. Their consistent performances underscore their dominance, although their victories have often been closely contested. In 2019 and 2022, Liverpool missed the title by just one point, highlighting the competitive nature at the top of the table.

City’s nearly unbroken rule over the past seven seasons sets the stage for another exciting campaign. With Pep Guardiola’s squad aiming for a historic fifth consecutive title, challengers like Arsenal, Liverpool, and Chelsea are gearing up to dethrone the champions. This season promises to be another closely fought competition, with teams strengthening their squads and strategies to break City’s stranglehold on the title.

Title Contenders

Manchester City

Manchester City enters the season as the team to beat, aiming for a historic fifth consecutive title, a feat never before achieved in the English men’s top flight. They are favorites with odds around +110. Erling Haaland, City’s key player, had a relatively modest season in 2023/24, scoring 27 goals in 31 Premier League games, a dip from the 36 he netted in 35 matches during his debut season.

Kevin De Bruyne remains City’s primary playmaker, averaging 4.33 chances created per 90 minutes last season. Despite injury setbacks, he recorded 10 assists, the third-most in the league.

Guardiola’s rotation policy sees Haaland as a constant starter when fit, supported by Phil Foden on the right and De Bruyne through the middle. The final attacking spot is a competitive position, with Bernardo Silva, Jeremy Doku, and Jack Grealish vying for inclusion.

Predictions 2024-2025 Premier League
Predictions 2024-2025 Premier League

Arsenal

Arsenal, with odds of +187, is a strong contender this season. Despite finishing second to Manchester City in the last two campaigns, fans’ frustration may grow if they don’t clinch their first league title in 21 years. Last season, the Gunners amassed 89 points, just two short of City and a tally that would have won the title in all but 11 38-game seasons. This point total was only one point fewer than the legendary 2003/04 Invincibles.

Arteta’s squad remains solid, with Bukayo Saka leading the charge after his most prolific season yet, scoring 16 league goals and 20 overall. Saka’s impressive Euro 2024 campaign bolstered his reputation. Kai Havertz and Leandro Trossard are also key goal threats, with 13 and 12 Premier League goals last season. Although Arsenal aimed to sign a new No.9, their reported target, Benjamin Sesko, extended his contract at RB Leipzig, leaving the Gunners reliant on their current attacking lineup.

Liverpool

Liverpool enters the 2024/25 Premier League season with new management, aiming to maintain the high standards set by Jürgen Klopp. Klopp ended an illustrious period at Anfield after eight full seasons, during which Liverpool finished in the top four seven times and won the Premier League in 2020. His successor, Arne Slot, comes confidently from an impressive stint at Feyenoord.

The Reds are yet to make their first summer signing but have been linked with players like Newcastle’s Anthony Gordon, Bayer Leverkusen’s Jeremie Frimpong, and Benfica’s João Neves. Mohamed Salah remains their most crucial player, with 155 goals in 250 appearances. However, last season was less prolific for Salah, as he scored 18 goals, marking only the third time he failed to reach the 20-goal mark.

Liverpool’s odds stand at +700, reflecting their potential to challenge for the title if they adapt well to Slot’s management and any new signings make an impact.​

Chelsea

Chelsea will again start a new era as the 2024/25 Premier League begins. The Blues are on their fourth permanent manager since BlueCo took over in 2022 after dismissing Thomas Tuchel, Graham Potter, and Mauricio Pochettino. Expectations remain high despite heavy criticism for their struggles last season and significant transfer spending.

Chelsea’s odds are longer at +2000. They have shown improvements towards the end of the last campaign, sparking hopes of challenging for Champions League spots. The focus on younger players continues, with three new arrivals under 21. However, experienced signings Kiernan Dewsbury-Hall from Leicester City and Tosin Adarabioyo from Fulham are expected to feature prominently.

Key departures include Thiago Silva to Fluminense, Ian Maatsen to Aston Villa, and Omari Hutchinson to Ipswich. Chelsea’s top Premier League Golden Boot contender is Nicolas Jackson, who scored 41 goals last season with a 65.08% shooting accuracy.

Teams Facing Relegation

At the other end of the table, several teams are battling to avoid relegation. Newly promoted Ipswich Town faces the steepest odds at +150000 to win the title, highlighting the challenge ahead. Other teams like Bournemouth (+35000) and Nottingham Forest (+100000) are also predicted to struggle this season according to PrizePicks.

Final Words

The 2024-2025 Premier League season promises another thrilling battle between Manchester City and their challengers. City remains the favorite, aiming for an unprecedented fifth consecutive title, with Haaland and De Bruyne key to their dominance. Arsenal, Liverpool, and Chelsea all have strong squads and the potential to disrupt City’s reign. Dark horses like Manchester United, Newcastle United, and Tottenham Hotspur will also vie for top positions.

Deep shag on special offer at C*nty Carpet shop

The Editor
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Deep shag on special offer at C*nty Carpet shop
Deep shag on special offer at C*nty Carpet shop
Deep shag on special offer at C*nty Carpet shop

OUSDEN, SUFFOLK – In the quiet Suffolk village of Ousden, a new carpet shop has sparked both excitement and outrage with its risque name.

By Our Norfolk Reporter: Ian Bred

Carpet shop owner Valerie Doubleton, the mastermind behind the eyebrow-raising Cunty Carpets, explained that the name was inspired by the deep, luxurious shag-pile carpets that are the shop’s speciality.

Valerie described the essence of Cunty Carpet shop to the SUFFOLK GAZETTE. “Our luxury products are made from the highest quality wool, spun from the fleece of sheep, camels, goats, or llamas. We also use silk threads, which are delicate yet strong. When customers run their hands through our shag, they instantly feel the decadence and romance. Some might even say it’s a bit bushy,” she said with a knowing smile.

Plush blush

The plush, opulent feel of Cunty Carpet shop’s offerings has indeed enchanted many customers, who revel in the tactile experience of the premium products. “It’s not just a carpet,” Valerie insists. “It’s an experience, a touch of luxury in every room.”

However, not everyone in Suffolk is impressed. Retired army Major Brian Panhandle-Smythe DSO CIE, chair of the Ipswich chapter of the campaign group Residents Against Everything (RAGE), has voiced his staunch opposition. “IT’S DISGUSTING!” he thundered. “During the blitz, we only had threadbare rugs to sit on. Hard as stone, but did we complain? NEVER! Decent folk around here are DISGUSTED by the idea of sticking their fingers in a cunty carpet, regardless of the depth of it’s shag. D’YA HEAR?”

Carpet shop sales

As the controversy rages on, Cunty Carpets continues to attract curious customers and disapproving glances in equal measure. Whether it’s the allure of luxury or the shock factor of the name, Valerie Doubleton’s venture is certainly putting Ousden on the map. As they say in the business, all publicity is good publicity – even if it comes with a side of scandal.

Meanwhile: Coc’n’nuts bouncy castle fit for a king dong

High hopes for Refugee Olympic Team’s pole vaulters

The Editor
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High hopes for Refugee Olympic Team’s pole vaulters
High hopes for Refugee Olympic Team’s pole vaulters
High hopes for Refugee Olympic Team’s pole vaulters

PARIS, FRANCE – In a heartwarming display of unity and athletic prowess, the IOC Refugee Olympic Team has arrived in France, converging in the historic town of Bayeux, Normandy, for a pre-Games welcome event.

By Our Security Correspondent: Ben Twarters

This year’s team, the largest yet with 37 athletes from diverse backgrounds living in 15 countries, is gearing up for the Paris 2024 Olympic Games, representing hope and resilience for over 100 million displaced people worldwide.

The picturesque town of Bayeux, with its rich history and deep empathy for the plight of refugees, played host to the team, providing top-notch training facilities and a series of team-building activities. Among the symbolic moments was a bike ride to Arromanches-les-Bains, one of the D-Day landing beaches, underscoring the themes of perseverance and freedom.

Over the top

While the team showcases an array of talented athletes, two asylum-seeking pole vaulters from Mali have particularly captured the public’s imagination. Abdul and Mamadou, whose journey to the Games is a saga of tenacity, are now favourites to win the pole vault competition.

Rumour has it that their initial leap over the fences of bureaucracy in their escape from turmoil has translated into a knack for soaring to new heights—literally.

Best training opportunities

The tale of Abdul and Mamadou is one for the history books. After escaping conflict in Mali, the duo faced innumerable challenges before finding refuge and training opportunities. Their story is not just about athletic ambition but also about the human spirit’s indomitable will to defy gravity in every sense.

It’s whispered that the real reason for their exceptional skill lies in their desperate practice sessions, vaulting over obstacles both physical and metaphorical in their perilous journey to Europe. Their use of 6-foot stilts while competing also helps a bit.

Refugee Olympic Team with high spirit

As the Refugee Olympic Team heads to Paris, hopes are high that Abdul and Mamadou will soar to the podium, embodying the triumph of the human spirit. The world will be watching as these extraordinary athletes, with stories that transcend sport, aim for Olympic glory.

Meanwhile: France on alert for tide of British refugees risking lives to cross Channel

Art Garfunkel paints bridge over troubled water blue

The Editor
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Art Garfunkel paints bridge over troubled water blue
Art Garfunkel paints bridge over troubled water blue
Art Garfunkel paints bridge over troubled water blue

ESSEX, UK – An employee (Art Garfunkel) of the UK Highways Agency decided to bid farewell to his mundane career with a potty-mouthed weather warning.

By Our Norfolk Reporter: Ian Bred

On his last day of employment, which coincided with the tempest’s ravaging of the UK, Brian Art Garfunkel, 52, seized the opportunity to leave an indelible mark on the digital road sign overlooking the Queen Elizabeth II Bridge in Essex that he had updated every day for the last 11 years.

Irresponsible

In an act of mild rebellion, the usually reliable digital sign programmer posted the uncouth message: “Blowy as fuck man (also my last day).” Reports suggest that passing motorists, taken aback at the crudeness of the irresponsible official warning, gasped in shock and suppressed embarrassed giggles – although how anyone could have witnessed these reactions is not clear.  In order for this story’s headline to work, a source later told the SUFFOLK GAZETTE that Art Garfunkel decided to quit the Highways Agency to pursue a new career as an artist.

Certain death

The ill-mannered departure statement, set against the backdrop of the raging storm, created a moment of levity as unbeknownst to Art Garfunkel, several vehicles were simultaneously blown off the bridge, condemning their occupants to certain death in the icy cold waters of the Thames estuary below.

Sorry

Later in the day, perhaps prompted by a stern call from the higher-ups or a pang of post-rebellion remorse, the digital road sign underwent an update. The profanity-laden weather alert was replaced by a more sanitized message, a sheepish apology perhaps written by a beleaguered highways agency official: “Apologies for any offence caused earlier. Stay safe on the roads.”

Meanwhile: Norfolk defends ‘rubbish’ new snow plough fleet

Brits plump for Russian rather than Islamic takeover of UK – Poll

The Editor
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Brits plump for Russian rather than Islamic takeover of UK – Poll
Brits plump for Russian rather than Islamic takeover of UK - Poll
Brits plump for Russian rather than Islamic takeover of UK – Poll

In a ‘fun’ social media poll conducted on platform X, respondents faced a stark choice: “Would you rather the UK was taken over by Russia or Islam?”

By Our Political Correspondent: Polly Ticks

Unsurprisingly, 100% of participants favoured a Russian takeover. The poll, set against the backdrop of fears of an escalating West vs. East Ukraine war, has sparked a nervous debate in the UK about its future geopolitical security.

Red or dead

The context of the poll is rooted in two prevalent but vastly different fears. On one hand, there is growing anxiety that the ongoing conflict in Ukraine might spill over into a broader confrontation, potentially dragging the UK into a direct land war with Russia. On the other hand, a segment of the British populace perceives uncontrolled mass immigration from the Middle East and East Asia as precipitating a slow-motion cultural takeover by adherents of the Islamic faith.

Critics of the poll, however, have been quick to point out its flawed premise and inflammatory nature. “It’s like asking if you’d rather be eaten by a lion or a shark,” quipped hairy-eared British historian, Richard Starkers. “Neither option is desirable, and the poll only reflects the views of a very small number of people.”

The results have not gone unnoticed in political circles. Prime Minister’s spokesperson, Mr. Leftcock, offered a sardonic take: “Well, this is just fearmongering from the usual far-right extremists. Personally, I’d prefer the Islamic option!”

Meanwhile, the Russian embassy in London humorously responded with a tweet: “Spasibo, Britain! We appreciate the vote of confidence. Just to clarify, we have no immediate plans for tea and crumpets in Buckingham Palace …yet.”

Islamic takeover

The Muslim Council of Britain expressed disappointment but also amusement at the poll. “It’s a relief to know we’re not in the immediate running for an unwanted takeover. We’ll continue focusing on contributing positively to British society, at least we will after the rioting in Leeds has stopped.”

Who would you most like to take over the UK? Send your answer on a postcard to: public.enquiries@homeoffice.gov.uk.

Meanwhile: Americans would welcome return to British rule, new poll reveals

Rod Stewart to star in remake of cult horror, Beetlejuice

The Editor
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Rod Stewart to star in remake of cult horror, Beetlejuice
Rod Stewart to star in remake of cult horror, Beetlejuice
Rod Stewart to star in remake of cult horror, Beetlejuice

HOLLYWOOD, USA – Ageing British soul singer Rod Stewart has been signed up to star in the highly anticipated sequel to the cult 80s spoof horror movie, Beetlejuice.

By Our Entertainment Editor: Arthur Pint

The bizarre casting choice was made by none other than the legendary Hollywood producer Harvey Winklesteiner. He is known for his penchant for outlandish actors and eccentric characters.

The deal was struck aboard a private yacht in Monaco during this year’s Grand Prix. Amidst the glitz, glamour, and the roar of Formula 1 engines. Stewart, dressed in a bewildering ensemble of a black and white striped jacket and shorts. Paired with a black and white polka-dotted shirt, caught Winklesteiner’s eye. It was a fashion statement so bold and bewildering that it immediately sparked the idea of resurrecting Beetlejuice, with Rod Stewart in a starring role.

“Rod’s outfit was nothing short of a sartorial séance,” Winklesteiner reportedly gushed to a bemused gathering of A-listers. “It was as if he had summoned the spirit of Beetlejuice himself, right there on the yacht. I knew at that moment, he was the one.”

Dishevelled appearance

The original Beetlejuice, starring Michael Keaton, became a cult classic with its quirky blend of horror and comedy. Whether Rod Stewart’s rendition will include any of his soulful hits remains shrouded in mystery. Fans and critics alike are left to speculate if classics like “You wear it well” or “I was only joking” will make an appearance in the spooky sequel.

As Hollywood gears up for what promises to be a surreal cinematic experience. One thing is certain: if the production is anything like the meeting that inspired it, audiences are in for a wild ride.

Whether Rod Stewart can channel his inner ghost with the most. If this casting decision will haunt Winklesteiner remains to be seen. But hey, if anyone can pull off the role of a mischievous poltergeist with a swathe of uncontrollable hair, it’s Rod Stewart.

Meanwhile: Deliverance theme park launches on Norfolk Broads

Spain V England Football: A Lesson from History

The Editor
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Spain V England Football: A Lesson from History
Spain V England Football: A Lesson from History
Spain V England Football: A Lesson from History

BERLIN, GERMANY – As the countdown to the European Championship final ticks away. Football fans around the globe brace themselves for a clash steeped in history.

England and Spain, two powerhouses of the beautiful game, are set to reignite their historical rivalry on the grandest stage of them all. The Olympiastadion in Berlin, Germany. This modern-day battle harkens back to the days when England and Spain were adversaries on the high seas. Most notably during the defeat of the Spanish Armada in 1588.

The origins of this football feud date back to the days when England was inventing the game. Spain was busy perfecting the art of flair and fancy footwork. England’s early approach to football could be best described as “kick and hope,”. While Spain’s tiki-taka style emerged from centuries of dancing flamenco.

The first recorded match between the two, back in 1929. Saw Spain triumph 4-3, a result that sent shockwaves through the English camp and set the tone for a rivalry of near-comedic proportions.

Postponed exit

Through the decades, matches between England and Spain have provided fans with moments of pure joy and heart-wrenching agony. Often in the same 90 minutes. Who could forget the 1996 European Championship quarter-final, where England’s penalty prowess was on full display? Yes, we’re talking about that iconic win, as England finally overcame their fear of penalty shootouts. Only to discover they’d merely postponed their exit until the semis.

Fast forward to the 2010 World Cup, where Spain’s slick passing game won them the trophy while England’s tactics of “hoof it up to the big man” didn’t quite have the same impact. England’s fans have since adopted a new mantra: “It’s coming home,” while Spain’s fans, having seen it actually come home, politely smile and nod.

Spain vs England Final

Now, with the European Championship final looming, both nations find themselves once again on a collision course akin to the historic Battle of Trafalgar. England’s new generation, led by the dynamic Harry Kane and the enigmatic Jude Bellingham, face off against Spain’s latest cohort of young talents who seemingly emerge from their academies already capable of 50-pass moves.

As the two teams prepare to lock horns, one thing is certain: whatever the outcome, the match will add another colourful chapter to the England-Spain saga. Whether it’s coming home or taking a siesta in Spain.

The final promises to be a blend of thrilling football and rich history – a modern-day battle to the death where footballs replace cannonballs and the pitch is the battleground.

Meanwhile: Spanish Senorita cause of ‘Bell-end’ Jude Bellingham’s crotch grab

All out of Zebra? Halal Convenience Store has you covered

The Editor
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All out of Zebra? Halal Convenience Store has you covered
All out of Zebra? Halal Convenience Store has you covered
All out of Zebra? Halal Convenience Store has you covered

SOUTHEN-ON-SEA, ESSEX – In a move set to redefine grocery shopping in Essex, local entrepreneur and practising Muslim, Sadiq Smith, has announced the grand opening of his new Halal convenience store, ‘Halaldi.’

By Our Consumer Correspondent: Colin Allcabs

Smith proudly told the SUFFOLK GAZETTE, “HALALDI is all about bringing halal food items to everyone in Essex, and hopefully beyond in the future, even maybe Suffolk.”

For the uninitiated, halal is an Arabic term meaning ‘permissible’ in English, as outlined in the Quran. It stands in contrast to haram, meaning ‘forbidden.’ This simple dichotomy has blossomed into a nuanced classification system known as “the five decisions”: mandatory, recommended, neutral, reprehensible, and forbidden.

Ruddy hell!

Halaldi is not just your run-of-the-mill convenience store with essential groceries at great prices. Oh no, Smith has taken it up a notch by stocking an array of exotic and obscure items that most people in Essex, or indeed the wider UK, would be surprised to learn are halal. The offerings include quail, crane, weaver bird, locusts, ruddy goose, blue-necked bird (subzak, neel kanth), parrot, and, perhaps most astonishingly, zebra!

“We want to educate and delight our customers with the variety of halal options available,” Smith explained. “At Halaldi, you can find everything from your everyday essentials to unique and exotic meats that adhere to halal standards. It’s like Noah’s ark but with a knife and fork!”

Essex resident, Betty Butterworth, exclaimed, “I’ve lived ‘ere all me life but I never fought I’d be able to buy a parrot for me bloomin’ dinner!”

Halal convenience store

As Halaldi opens its doors, shoppers can look forward to an unparalleled blend of affordability, diversity, and the novelty of exploring an extensive range of halal foods, from the everyday to the exotic. Whether you’re after a standard loaf of bread or contemplating a zebra stew, Halaldi has got you covered.

Meanwhile: Lidl introduces Middle Class Mondays

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