Transgender Jim Carrey lookalike divorces itself after year-long marriage
LA LA LAND, USA – A 56-year-old transgender model and Jim Carrey tribute act has ended its one-year marriage after divorcing itself, citing “irreconcilable sense of humour” as the cause of the breakdown in the relationship.
By Our Norfolk Reporter: Ian Bred
Sue-Jim, originally from Brazil, made headlines last year after marrying, well, itself, in a widely-publicized “sologamy” ceremony, attended by 400,000 Instagram followers and a curious global audience.
The self-wedding, hailed as a triumph of independence and self-love, has now ended in the most surprising twist yet: Sue-Jim has filed for divorce. “It turns out even a marriage to oneself comes with pressures—like the expectation of being perfect 24/7,” it revealed in an interview with the SUFFOLK GAZETTE.
Somebody stop me!
Loneliness, as it turns out, was the final straw. “I realized that I needed more time for me,” Sue-Jim admitted. “Self-reflection is essential, but even when you’re married to yourself, there are tough days.”
Despite undergoing ten sessions of self-couples therapy to salvage the relationship, it became clear that this union could not stand. “The pressure to be both the perfect spouse and the perfect me was just too much,” Sue-Jim confessed, “on top of that, I realized they just didn’t make me laugh anymore, like they used to.”
While the one-year marriage may not have lasted, Sue-Jim insists there are no regrets. “It was a healing journey, a time of growth, but growth doesn’t always mean staying in the same place—or with the same person, even if that person is you.”
Now, Sue-Jim, who bears an uncanny resemblance to Hollywood namesake, Jim, is ready to move on, opening the door to the possibility of an actual partner, one who’s not quite so familiar. “I think it’s time to open my heart again—to someone who isn’t… me,” Sue-Jim laughed.
As for the future, Sue-Jim remains optimistic. After all, how many people can say they’ve divorced themselves and come out the other side stronger?
Itchin’ in the kitchen once again: Oasis reunites over cup of tea with their mum
BURNAGE, MANCHESTER – The Gallagher brothers, Liam and Noel, known as much for their feuds as for their Britpop anthems, have sent Oasis fans into a frenzy with a tantalizing teaser that suggests a reunion might be just around the corner.
By Our Entertainment Editor: Arthur Pint
But while the online world buzzes, a lesser-known but no less significant story was unfolding in the quiet suburbs of Manchester. It turns out that the seeds of this reunion were sown not in a high-powered boardroom or backstage at a festival, but in the unassuming kitchen of their mum, Peggy Gallagher. According to sources close to the family, the feuding brothers finally buried the hatchet over a shared pot of tea, lovingly brewed by Peggy herself.
She’s Electric Kettle
Apparently, it all began when Peggy, fed up with her sons’ decade-long standoff, lured them both to her house under the pretense of a “family emergency.” The emergency, as it turned out, was that they had run out of her favorite brand of Garibaldi biscuits.
Once Liam and Noel were seated around the kitchen table, the tension in the air was thicker than Noel’s eyebrows. But as Peggy poured the tea and plopped the biscuits onto a plate, the conversation softened.
Oasis reunites
Talk of their childhood, football, and their favorite jam, eventually led to Liam picking up a guitar and strumming a few chords of “Wonderwall.” Noel, unable to resist, joined in. By the time the tea was finished, so too was their feud.
The brothers left Peggy’s house with more than just a sugar high; they left with a plan to bring Oasis back to life.
Now, with the date set for Tuesday, fans are on the edge of their seats, hoping that this long-awaited reunion will finally become a reality. Whether it’s a series of gigs or a full-fledged tour, one thing is clear: the Gallagher brothers’ reunion has all the makings of a rock and roll fairy tale—one that started in a kitchen with a cup of tea.
‘Fake Flirty Waitresses’ scandal empties tables at Mutford pub
MUTFORD, SUFFOLK – The ‘Pie and Trumpet’ pub in Mutford, Suffolk, has shot itself squarely in the foot by admitting that its waitresses flirt with male customers purely to boost their tips.
By Our Norfolk Reporter: Ian Bred
The bold confession, scrawled in bright chalk on a sign outside the pub, read: “The naked truth about our waitresses is they only flirt with you to get better tips.” It turns out, Suffolk’s male patrons were not as thrilled by this revelation as one might expect.
Spectacular miscalculation
The following Friday – traditionally the busiest night for pub-goers saw a near-apocalyptic pub scene. Empty tables, unused beer taps, and waitresses standing idly, filing their nails and looking at their phones. The usual crowd of pint-chugging locals, having taken the news of transactional flirtation to heart. Instead flocked across the street to the ‘Dog and Bone,’. Where the waitresses, they insist, are “proper slags” and not just performing for spare change.
Flirty waitress
“Balls to the Pie and Trumpet,” muttered a regular, pint in hand, as he propped up the bar of the bustling Dog and Bone. “We want boobs and banter, not a business transaction. Plus, Julie from the Dog and Bone told me that she really likes me. He he!” he added, frothing at the mouth.
Porker scratching
Meanwhile, Landlord of the Pie and Trumpet, Les Grissle is left scratching his bald head. Wondering how a seemingly innocent joke has backfired so disastrously. “We thought honesty was the best policy,” sighed the fat, sweating oaf, as he grazed forlornly from the dish of untouched pork scratchings on the bar.
As of now, the Pie and Trumpet is undergoing a major charm offensive to win back customers in the form of a free ‘hand shandy’ with every pint from Les’s wife, Shirley.
Time will tell if Mutford’s men are ready to forgive.
Controversial supermarket hit by new pricing scandal
BURY ST EDMUNDS, SUFFOLK – Bury St Edmunds’ resident supermarket mastermind, Sadiq Cant, has once again thrilled shoppers with his latest pricing stunt.
By Our Consumer Correspondent: Colin Allcabs
Cant’s corner store, Strawberry Local, is advertising a jaw-dropping “price drop” on Sharwood’s medium egg noodles—from £1.25 to… wait for it… £1.25. Yes, folks, a staggering reduction of £0.00!
Cant can do it too
When asked where this stroke of marketing genius came from, Cant revealed that he was merely following in the footsteps of his cousin and fellow shopkeeper, Barry Singh. Singh had previously unveiled an equally groundbreaking special offer at his store Morrisinghs, slashing the price of Pot Noodles from 50p to – brace yourselves – 50p. Singh, who described this dazzling deal as “a reiteration of the previous special offer,” is clearly a great inspiration to cousin Cant.
Undeterred by the confusion surrounding his promotion, Cant defended the move as a sign of his store’s “transparency.” “If you loved paying £1.25 for your noodles last week, why not love it again this week?” he said, beaming proudly. “A bargain’s a bargain, even when it’s the same as before.”
Cant believe it
But Sadiq Cant’s creativity doesn’t stop at marketing. His store recently made headlines for its “Human Flesh Burgers,” a daring addition to the meat counter. Cant, fresh from a holiday in the Congo, shrugged off concerns about legality and morality. “Believe it, they taste like chicken, mate,” he said, with the calm confidence of a man who truly believes he’s revolutionizing British cuisine.
Whether it’s price drops of zero or controversial cuisine, Cant’s Strawberry Local continues to push the boundaries of supermarket sales techniques. If it can be done, Cant can do it.
Cloud formation flips off Britain, signalling end of a rare sunny summer
IPSWICH, UK – In a fitting end to one of the most uncharacteristically sunny summers in British history, nature itself has delivered a clear message to the UK via a cloud formation: the fun is over.
By Our Norfolk Reporter: Ian Bred
A remarkable cloud formation, spotted looming ominously over the Suffolk capital, Ipswich, has perfectly captured the national mood. Locals were astounded yesterday when the clouds arranged themselves into the unmistakable shape of a giant fisted hand.
The celestial gesture comes just as thunder, lightning, and torrential rain descend on the once-spoiled citizens of the UK. Residents, who had just begun to believe that summer could be something more than two weeks of lukewarm sunshine and soggy picnics. It has been promptly reminded of their rightful place in the natural order: wet, cold, and perpetually disappointed.
Good Morning Britain
Meteorologists are still debating whether the cloud formation was an atmospheric fluke or a direct message from the heavens. But the symbolism is hard to ignore. “It’s as if the sky itself is telling us to pack away the flip-flops and beach towels,” said ITV’s super-fit meteorologist and weather babe, Laura Tobin, as she pointed glumly at the gathering storm clouds on her monitor.
“I haven’t seen a more perfect representation of summer ending since I ran out of Pimms last week.” Corrrr!
While the summer of 2024 will be remembered as an extraordinary and fleeting ray of sunshine brightening an otherwise gloomy nation. This middle-finger-shaped cloud has served as a poignant reminder: joy is temporary, especially in Britain. Now, as autumn takes hold and drizzle becomes the default weather setting once again.
Brits can at least take solace in one thing—there’s always next year’s two-day heatwave to look forward to.
Greater Manchester Police reveals new ‘woke’ riot gear
MANCHESTER, UK – In a bold and colourful response to the chaos of Britain’s ‘summer of discontent,’ Greater Manchester Police have rolled out their latest strategy: ‘woke’ riot gear.
By Our Crime Correspondent: Hugh Dunnett
Amid violent protests and rioting, Mancunian cops are now sporting soft, padded, rainbow stab vests, large knife-resistant yellow Mickey Mouse-style gloves, and ‘Black Lives Matter’, Kanye West-inspired slatted eye protectors.
Manchester Police new gear, which looks more suited to a children’s party than a riot, has raised eyebrows across the city and beyond. Chief Constable Darren Farron explained the rationale behind the unusual uniforms: “We aim to de-escalate tensions and promote inclusivity. Our new riot gear symbolizes our commitment to community values and the diverse fabric of Manchester.”
Critics, however, argue that this move is indicative of a broader problem within UK policing. There are growing accusations of a ‘two-tier’ policing strategy. Where the indigenous, white population faces harsh, zero-tolerance tactics. While criminals from ethnic minority backgrounds are treated with ‘kid gloves’ and not held to the same standards.
Kanye or M&M?
Moss Side resident Brian Gaffney, chair of the campaign group Residents AGainst Everything (RAGE), voiced his discontent: “It’s fookin’ crackers. While they’re prancing about in their fookin’ rainbow armour, ma local chippy was looted twice last week. I thought PC was supposed to stand for ‘Police Officer’, not ‘Politically Correct’!”
Meanwhile, officers have expressed mixed feelings about their new attire. PC Sally Kitten remarked, “It’s different and quite comfy. But I’m not sure people are gonna take us seriously looking like a giant M&M.” Her colleague, PC Tom Tenderhands, added, “The gloves are so bulky I can barely hold my baton. It’s a wonder I haven’t accidentally knocked someone out with these oversized hands.”
As Greater Manchester navigates its summer of upheaval, only time will tell if this softly-softly approach to riot control will be effective.
LOWESTOFT, SUFFOLK – In a scene straight out of a low-budget horror film,.Lowestoft’s sun-soaked beachgoers were given an unexpected jolt on Sunday morning when a blood-soaked,.tattooed man decided to make chainsaws the latest beach accessory.
By Our Crime Editor: Rob Banks
The seaside town, known for its picturesque coastline, was thrown into chaos as the man. Wielding a chainsaw and sporting what appeared to be a fresh blood splatter, confronted a group of bewildered beachgoers. The incident, which unfolded at around 10 a.m. Began after the man was reportedly involved in a scuffle. Only to return to the scene armed with the roaring chainsaw.
Zzzzzzzzzzzz
A now-viral video shows the man, clearly in a state of rage. Revving the chainsaw as he marched down the beach. Shouting, “Who hit me, who the f*** hit me?” in a manner that could only be described as a terrifying audition for a slasher flick.
The chainsaw’s motor whirred menacingly in the background as he stormed towards the Lowestoft Sea Fishing Club. Where an unsuspecting group was having a peaceful lesson—until their day was rudely interrupted.
Lowestoft Beach Police
Fortunately, Suffolk Police arrived before the situation could escalate into something even more nightmarish. Another video captures the tense moment officers pointed their tasers at the man. Who eventually dropped the chainsaw and surrendered, screaming, “Look at my f***ing head!” as he lay on the ground.
In response to the incident, a new sign has been swiftly erected on Lowestoft Beach, featuring an image of a crossed-out chainsaw with the straightforward message: “Chainsaws Strictly Prohibited.” Because, apparently, that needed to be clarified.
In the realm of compact cars, the Volkswagen Golf has long been a favourite among UK car enthusiasts. Known for its reliability, performance, and timeless design, the VW Golf is not just a car—it’s an experience. For those who yearn to drive this iconic vehicle but are not ready for a long-term purchase commitment, leasing presents a perfect solution. Offering the flexibility to enjoy a new car every few years, leasing lets you relish the cutting-edge features and dynamic performance of the VW Golf without the hassle of ownership.
Why Lease a VW Golf?
So, why lease this vehicle? When you lease a VW Golf, you enjoy an array of benefits that make the prospect incredibly appealing. Leasing eliminates the depreciation woes that most car owners face, as you’re only responsible for the vehicle during the lease period. Generally spanning two to four years, a lease agreement allows you to regularly upgrade to the latest model, ensuring you always drive a car with the newest technology and features.
Moreover, leasing typically requires a lower upfront deposit compared to purchasing, which can ease the immediate financial burden. Monthly lease payments are often more affordable than car loan repayments, providing an accessible route to driving this prestigious vehicle. Plus, at the end of the lease term, you have the option to buy, swap for a new model, or return the car, keeping your options open.
Style Meets Substance
The VW Golf is synonymous with sleek, sophisticated design and practical functionality. From its refined exterior lines to the meticulously crafted interior, every detail of the Golf speaks of quality. Inside, the cabin combines comfort with high-tech features. The infotainment system is intuitive, packed with connectivity options like Apple CarPlay and Android Auto. Furthermore, VW’s signature ergonomic design ensures that every control is within easy reach, allowing for a seamless driving experience.
Outside, the Golf’s iconic look has been subtly evolved to keep it modern without losing its distinctive charm. The LED headlights and sharp alloy wheel designs add a contemporary touch, making the car look as good parked on a street in Manchester as it does cruising down a country lane in Somerset.
Efficiency Without Compromise
With increasing awareness of environmental issues, finding a car that balances performance with efficiency is essential. The VW Golf delivers just that. Whether equipped with a petrol, diesel, or hybrid engine, the Golf offers excellent fuel economy. Its efficient engine options allow you to cover more miles with less impact on the environment and your wallet. For those particularly focused on minimising their carbon footprint, the Golf e-Hybrid models offer electric range capabilities suitable for city commuting.
Moreover, the VW Golf’s acclaimed driving dynamics ensure that you don’t sacrifice fun for efficiency. The precision steering and agile handling make it a joy to drive on winding roads, while advanced safety features and driver assistance systems provide confidence and peace of mind.
A Fun Drive
The VW Golf has earned accolades not just for its practicality and efficiency but also for being incredibly fun to drive. Its responsive acceleration and taut handling define the quintessential hot hatch experience. The turbocharged engines deliver exhilarating performance while maintaining impressive fuel efficiency. In models such as the GTI and Golf R, the driving pleasure is further amplified with sportier tunes and enhanced powertrains that keep car enthusiasts grinning from ear to ear.
Even in its more conservative versions, the Golf provides a smooth, comfortable ride with engaging dynamics. Whether you’re on a daily commute or a weekend getaway, the Golf adapts perfectly, making every journey enjoyable.
The Future of Leasing
As the automotive landscape continues to evolve, leasing a VW Golf is a forward-thinking choice. With the increasing availability of electrified models, leasing allows customers to stay on the cutting edge without worrying about obsolescence. Leasing also supports the growing trend towards more sustainable, shared mobility solutions.
In summary, leasing a VW Golf offers an enticing package of style, efficiency, and fun. You benefit from low upfront costs, reduced financial risk, and the opportunity to drive new models more frequently. Whether you’re new to the brand or a lifelong fan, the VW Golf continues to set the standard in its class, making leasing an attractive proposition for anyone looking to combine the best driving experience with financial peace of mind.
