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Out with the old, in with the old: PM’s makeover dubbed a ‘makeunder blunder’

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Out with the old, in with the old: PM’s makeover dubbed a ‘makeunder blunder’

DOWNING STREET, LONDON – Prime Minister Keir Starmer has found himself embroiled in controversy after it was revealed that Lord Alli, a prominent Labour donor, footed the bill for a wardrobe overhaul for Starmer’s wife, Victoria.

By Our Political Correspondent: Polly Ticks

However, to the untrained eye, the Prime Minister’s appearance remains as static as a political poll in the run-up to an election—suit, shirt, shoes, rinse, repeat.

Lord Alli, former chairman of online fashion retailer ASOS, reportedly splurged nearly £19,000 on work clothes for Starmer, including a range of suits that somehow manage to make him look as if he’s just stepped out of a 1990s time capsule. “I don’t know if he’s been shopping for clothes or just selecting from the same two suits he’s had since law school,” remarked a bemused stylist at Westminster café. Winston’s. “A change is overdue, but the reality is he still looks like he’s off to an office party—if that party were for accountants.”

Wardrobe malfunction

In an effort to clarify the scandal, Starmer stated, “It’s crucial that rules are adhered to, especially regarding financial interests,” while simultaneously looking like a carbon copy of his former self. Observers noted that while Victoria has seemingly embraced a new wardrobe, Keir appears blissfully unaware that clothes can also be exciting.

Critics have jumped on this apparent disconnect, calling for a full investigation not just into the financial aspects, but into Starmer’s apparent reluctance to step beyond his sartorial comfort zone. “Maybe if he wore something a little less predictable, people would forget about the whole Lord Alli affair,” one snarky commentator suggested.

For now, Starmer continues to advocate for compliance and transparency, all while appearing as though he’s just one ill-fated charity event away from a wardrobe malfunction. As the political landscape shifts, the Prime Minister may find it’s time for a makeover that goes beyond simply declaring the clothes he already wears.

Meanwhile: Savile Row Socialist PM Starmer gets the freebie-jeebies

Greggs releases ‘Hostage Rolls’ after Starmer’s sausage mess

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Greggs releases ‘Hostage Rolls’ after Starmer’s sausage cock-up

HIGH STREET, IPSWICH – Popular high street bakery chain Greggs has announced the launch of its newest creation: the Hostage Roll.

By Our Norfolk Reporter: Ian Bred

The move comes after PM Keir Starmer’s infamous gaffe during his keynote speech in Liverpool, where he mistakenly called for “the return of the sausages” instead of the hostages, prompting widespread piss-taking – and, apparently, contagion.

“We have customers come in who discuss current affairs while they’re queueing, who often inadvertently refer to Israeli hostages as sausages” said Greggs spokesperson Tina Crumble in a statement released earlier today. “It’s an easy mistake to make. We thought we’d save them the embarrassment. Now, they can confidently order either a Sausage Roll or a Hostage Roll without fear of making an international diplomatic faux pas.”

Hide  release the sausage  hostages sausage hostages

The Hostage Roll, described by Crumble as “a taste sensation with a side of geopolitical public humiliation,” is essentially a rebranded version of their classic sausage roll, but with a humorous nod to Starmer’s piss-pronunciation. The bakery chain promises that no actual hostages were involved in the making of the product, though they cheekily recommend their customers “Don’t take them on Palestinian peace marches.”

Meanwhile, Greggs stores across the UK have already reported brisk sales of the new roll, with customers clamouring to “bring back the Hostage Rolls” in what has become an accidental promotional slogan.

While Gregg’s hostage rolls have been released, sausage-lovers worldwide hopefully wait for the day when the real hostages are returned home safely.

Meanwhile: Sniff my sausage: Greggs launches own-brand aftershave

Eccentric Suffolk car designer “Couldn’t give a Cybertruck”

Eccentric Suffolk car designer “Couldn’t give a Cybertruck”

PAKEFIELD, SUFFOLK –  Unveiled at London Olympia’s Motor Show, Schlepp’s low-budget alternative to Tesla’s Cybertruck has already made waves. Though perhaps not for the reasons he intended.

By Our Norfolk Reporter: Ian Bred

Move over, Elon Musk. Suffolk’s own Jeffrey Schlepp, the man behind such illustrious creations as the “Solarcar” and the aeronautical flying car powered by flavoured milk, is back—this time with his latest automotive masterpiece: the Cyberdump.

Priced at a modest £250, the Cyberdump offers none of the flashy technology or AI-infused sophistication of its electric rival. Instead, Schlepp has opted for a more, shall we say, recycled approach. The Cyberdump consists of a well-used skip mounted on the chassis of a Yugo Zastava. Yes, that’s right, a literal garbage skip. Schlepp insists that this offers the same “rugged durability” as the Tesla, without the unnecessary frills of touchscreen dashboards or autonomous driving.

Will carry a mattress

“At its core, the Cyberdump is about simplicity and safety,” Schlepp explained to a bewildered audience of four people. Most of whom had wandered over from the food court. “It’s got that unbreakable, industrial feel. If you hit something, trust me, it’s not the Cyberdump that’s going to get hurt.”

True to form, Schlepp’s creation is laughably impractical, lacking any resemblance to modern electric vehicles. The Yugo Zastava chassis ensures a 0–60 mph time of roughly never.

While the skip offers ample storage for discarded dreams. Critics have described the design as “brutalist garbage chic,” while others have wondered whether Schlepp accidentally combined his love of DIY with his weekly trash collection.

Cybertruck in big competition

With Tesla boasting bulletproof windows and sleek electric powertrains, Schlepp’s Cyberdump may not pose a direct threat. But as the underdog hero of British eccentricity, Schlepp has once again proven that, in his world, it’s not about innovation—it’s about improvisation.

The best races of the 2024 Irish flat racing seasons

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The best races of the 2024 Irish flat racing seasons

The 2024 Irish flat racing season is drawing to a close, with the summer turning into autumn meaning that we will gradually start to see the transition back to National Hunt racing in the coming months — marking an exciting time for those who closely follow the horse racing betting markets.

It has been another thrilling flat racing campaign, with landmark victories for Ireland’s master trainer Aidan O’Brien, while the British have also enjoyed their fair share of success on the emerald isle this summer — including three Classic successes.  

With that said, let’s take a look at some of the best races this season.

You Got To Me – Irish Oaks

This year’s renewal of the Irish Oaks appeared to be a wide-open affair, with Content not a firm favourite at 3/1 before the off.

The O’Brien-trained horse ran a good race in second, but the honours went to Ralph Beckett’s filly, You Got To Me.

The 15/2 shot raced in midfield for much of the one-mile and four-furlong contest but started to edge into the lead in the final furlong before running on the strongest in the closing stages under Hector Crouch.

Ryan Moore and Content tried to close in late on. However, they ran out of ground before the finish line and had to settle for second. Purple Lilly was further back in third.

Los Angeles – Irish Derby

The market couldn’t decide between Epsom Derby second and third, Ambiente Friendly and Los Angeles, in the build-up to the race.

In the end, the former went off slightly more favoured than O’Brien’s runner as the 6/4 favourite, but the Los Angeles backers had the final laugh at the Curragh.

The Coolmore three-year-old was sweating quite heavily, which many might have deemed not a good sign.

However, he started his challenge under Moore two furlongs out and stayed on to hold off a rapidly-charging Sunway with Ambiente Friendly in third, marking an incredible 16th Irish Derby success for O’Brien.

Bluestocking – Pretty Polly Stakes

Another big race win for Beckett in Ireland this summer, Bluestocking impressed in the Group 1 Pretty Polly Stakes back in June.

Off the back of a six-length victory over Free Wind in Group 2 Middleton Fillies’ Stakes at York, the Juddmonte four-year-old was well-backed to win at the Curragh.

She faced competition from fan favourite Emily Upjohn, who went clear over a furlong out and looked destined for another big win.

However, the John & Thady Gosden-trained filly idled in the closing stages, and Bluestocking went past in the final 100 metres to win by half-a-length.

Babouche – Phoenix Stakes

A very exciting juvenile unleashed by Juddmonte and Irish handler Ger Lyons this summer, Babouche has gone unbeaten in her three starts to date — steadily progressing up the ranks.

Her most recent victory in the Phoenix Stakes at the Curragh was arguably her most impressive win thus far, though — beating Whistlejacket to the Group 1 success.

Babouche raced calmy in third for the opening stages of the six-furlong contest, making smooth headway toward the front a furlong out before being shaken up and running on to score under Colin Keane.

The Juddmonte Cheveley Park Stakes at Newmarket looks set to be her final appearance of the season, and a win there would likely see her return to HQ for the 1000 Guineas next May.

Esport Sports in Suffolk Region — Where to Go and What to Visit

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Esport Sports in Suffolk Region — Where to Go and What to Visit

If you’re an esports enthusiast in Suffolk, you’re in for a treat. The region is buzzing with exciting opportunities for gamers of all levels. From state-of-the-art arenas to cozy gaming cafés, Suffolk has something for everyone. Whether you want to watch or compete in upcoming CoD events, improve your skills, or simply enjoy the vibrant gaming community, there’s no shortage of places to explore. Plus, with educational programs and local teams on the rise, the future of esports here looks brighter than ever. Let’s dive in!

University of Suffolk’s Esports Program

One of the most significant developments in the region is the University of Suffolk’s new esports undergraduate degree, set to launch in 2025. This program will cover various aspects of the esports industry, including game design, event management, live-streaming, and marketing. The university is also investing in a state-of-the-art esports lab, which will host events and tournaments. This initiative aims to prepare students for careers in the rapidly growing esports industry and is a testament to the region’s commitment to fostering esports talent.

Local Esports Venues and Events

You can also enjoy cyber sports gaming close to home if you live in Suffolk. If you wish, you can participate or just watch and go with friends and family. Some will serve you munchies if you want, so you can stay there without getting hungry. Check out the venues below.

Press State Gaming Lodge

Located in the heart of Ipswich, this arena is a hotspot for local esports events. It hosts regular tournaments for popular games like League of Legends, Dota 2, and Fortnite. The venue is equipped with high-end gaming PCs and consoles, providing an excellent environment for both casual and competitive gamers. The arena also features a spectator area where fans can watch live matches on big screens, creating an electrifying atmosphere. Additionally, the arena offers training sessions and workshops for aspiring esports athletes, helping them hone their skills and strategies.

Bury St Edmunds Gaming Hub

This gaming hub offers a variety of esports activities, including weekly tournaments and casual gaming nights. It’s a great place to meet fellow gamers and participate in community events. The hub also provides coaching sessions for those looking to improve their skills. With a friendly and inclusive environment, the Bury St Edmunds Gaming Hub is perfect for gamers of all ages and skill levels. The hub frequently collaborates with local schools and colleges to host interschool tournaments, fostering a sense of community and healthy competition among young gamers.

Suffolk Gaming Festival

An event that attracts gamers from all over the region, the Suffolk Gaming Festival features a range of activities, including esports tournaments, cosplay competitions, and panel discussions with industry experts. It’s a must-visit for anyone interested in the gaming and esports culture. The festival also includes vendor booths where attendees can purchase the latest gaming gear, merchandise, and collectibles. With live music performances and food stalls, the Suffolk Gaming Festival offers a fun and immersive experience for the whole family.

Belong Braintree

This gaming lounge is equipped with the latest gaming consoles and PCs. It’s a great place to hang out with friends, participate in esports events, or even host your gaming party. The lounge also offers membership packages that include access to exclusive events and discounts on food and drinks. The spot is known for its friendly staff and welcoming environment, making it a favorite spot for hardcore gamers and casual players. The lounge also features a dedicated VR zone where visitors can experience the latest in virtual reality gaming. Kids of all ages are welcome here.

Esports Teams and Organizations

If you want to join a team, you can also do that right close to where you live. Check out the clubs you can register with if you have the dream to go pro.

  • Suffolk Spartans: A local esports team that competes in various national and international tournaments. The team is known for its strong presence in games like Counter-Strike: Global Offensive and Overwatch. They often host open tryouts and community events, making it easy for aspiring esports athletes to get involved.
  • East Anglia Esports Association: This organization aims to promote and support esports in the East Anglia region, including Suffolk. They organize tournaments, provide training resources, and work with local schools and colleges to develop esports programs. Joining this association can provide valuable networking opportunities and access to exclusive events.

Things Are Looking Up for Esports Enthusiasts in Suffolk

Suffolk is quickly becoming a vibrant center for esports, offering a range of opportunities for gamers and industry pros. Whether you’re looking to compete, learn, or simply enjoy the gaming culture, there’s something for everyone in this dynamic region. Keep an eye on local announcements and events to stay updated on the latest developments in Suffolk’s esports scene.

Suffolk vs Norfolk: Which has the best casinos?

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Throughout time, there has always been a fierce rivalry in East Anglia between Suffolk and Norfolk. The locals of Norwich and Ipswich have witnessed many historical battles on the football pitches at Carrow Road and Portman Road. The Old Farm Derby as it is also known is the most keenly contested rivalry between the neighbours, with Ipswich Town currently holding the bragging rights after their promotion to the Premier League last season. Norwich City did manage a win (1-0) and a draw (2-2) over their bitter rivals in the 2023/24 campaign, but it is Kieran McKenna’s side in the holy land playing against the likes of Arsenal, Manchester City and Liverpool.

Off the football pitch though, all aspects of life are discussed and debated to try and come to a conclusion as to which does certain things better. Whether you are a partygoer, restaurant lover, commuter to London, or just proud to be from Suffolk or Norfolk, debates will rage around which has the best nightlife, the best fish and chip shop, most convenient connection to London, or larger population and larger surface area. Folk from Norwich will always answer Norwich, and those from Ipswich will always root for their local town. However, for casino enthusiasts, the debate over which offers the best casino options is a close one.

Suffolk vs Norfolk: Which has the best casinos?

Advantage: Ipswich

Neither Ipswich or Norwich can match the bright lights of larger cities like Manchester and Birmingham that offer grandiose casino complexes to those seeking roulette, blackjack, or poker action. Instead, the two offer more intimate options, with Merkur Slots providing two halls on Carr and Westgate Street in Ipswich with rows of electronic slots, bingo, and poker games. Bingo fans can also wander along the River Gipping to Buzz Bingo for live number calling.

You never have to go far to find casino action in the town of Ipswich, but in Norwich, the name of the casino game in Norfolk is casino hire. Anglia Fun Casino and Paradise Fun Casino provide high-quality casino props for any occasion. Whether it is an upcoming Christmas party, a birthday celebration, or a team bonding exercise, blackjack tables, roulette wheels, and mini versions of slots can be hired to jazz up an evening. Casino fans can also head to Admiral in the city centre for a range of electronic casino games.

Overall, casino enthusiasts might favour Ipswich for its casino offerings, but another advantage that Ipswich has is its proximity to London. The capital city can be reached in just over an hour, which is a short enough journey to go on a day trip. And if there is extra casino motivation, The Hippodrome and Grosvenor Casinos serve up electric atmospheres to accompany the casino action. While Norwich is a bit further up the road, Ipswich undoubtedly wins the commuting to London argument.

Secret option number three

While both Ipswich and Norwich boast decent casino options, there is another alternative that inhabitants of both locations can access. The online casino industry is currently thriving, especially in the United Kingdom despite the brakes being applied by the UK Gambling Commission in the form of wagering restrictions on online slots. However, in the digital world, there are a vast number of online casinos waiting to welcome you through their virtual doors.

With a wide variety of online casinos that house impressive repertoires of games and bonuses, there is also more choice out there in the online world. Depending on how you finance your casino craving, there are even online platforms dedicated to different payment methods. It is not unusual to find online casinos that support cryptocurrency, or casinos accepting credit cards, one of the more traditional methods for depositing funds.

These online providers have altered the landscape of casino play, offering players a more convenient version to play on. Land-based casinos are still popular and if you are out and about in Ipswich, then you can still interact physically with a slot machine. But for those other occasions at home, or even on the move, the online casino world is there and waiting.

Where to Find the Most Exciting Gaming Venues in Suffolk

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Where to Find the Most Exciting Gaming Venues in Suffolk

Suffolk, with its rolling countryside and historic charm, might not be the first place you think of when it comes to thrilling gaming experiences. However, this picturesque county is home to a surprisingly vibrant scene for gamers and gamblers alike. From high-stakes casinos to laid-back gaming arcades, Suffolk offers an array of options to suit every preference. Whether you’re a seasoned pro or just looking for a fun night out, here’s where you’ll find the most exciting gaming venues in the county.

Starting with the more sophisticated end of the spectrum, the bustling town of Ipswich is home to one of Suffolk’s premier gaming destinations. The elegant Genting Casino is the place to be for those who enjoy a touch of class with their gaming. This venue provides a sleek environment with a range of table games, including poker, blackjack, and roulette. It’s a hotspot for both locals and visitors looking to experience the thrill of casino gaming in style.

For those who prefer a more relaxed atmosphere, the charming seaside town of Felixstowe offers a delightful alternative. The Felixstowe Leisure Centre houses a vibrant arcade that’s perfect for families and casual gamers. This venue boasts a variety of classic and modern arcade games, from pinball machines to the latest video game simulators. It’s a fantastic spot to unwind and enjoy some light-hearted competition, and its welcoming environment makes it a hit among visitors of all ages.

Not far from Felixstowe, in the historic town of Bury St Edmunds, you’ll find another gem for gaming enthusiasts. The Bury St Edmunds Casino is renowned for its friendly atmosphere and wide selection of gaming options. The casino features various table games and electronic gaming machines, which offers an impressive variety of popular slot games as well as other engaging options. The venue’s relaxed yet sophisticated ambience makes it an excellent choice for a night out.

In addition to these established venues, Suffolk is also home to a range of unique gaming experiences. The country’s many traditional pubs often feature gaming machines and pool tables, offering a more informal setting for a bit of fun. Places like The Greyhound in Beccles and The Queen’s Head in Woodbridge are popular spots where you can enjoy a casual game of pool or try your luck on the fruit machines while sipping a pint.

If you’re looking for something a bit different, consider visiting the area during one of the local gaming festivals or events. Suffolk occasionally hosts gaming conventions and tournaments that draw enthusiasts from across the region. These events are a great opportunity to explore a variety of games, meet fellow gamers, and experience the county’s gaming culture firsthand.

Suffolk’s gaming scene might not be as well-known as some of the bigger cities, but it certainly has its own charm and excitement. From high-end casinos and family-friendly arcades to lively pub games and local events, there’s no shortage of places to indulge your gaming passions. So, next time you’re in Suffolk, be sure to check out these fantastic venues and discover the thrills they have to offer.

House of Commons kitchen staff serve MP’s ‘Hostages-in-the-Hole’

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House of Commons kitchen staff serve MP’s ‘Hostages-in-the-Hole’
House of Commons kitchen staff serve MP’s ‘Hostages-in-the-Hole’

LONDON, ENGLAND – The aftermath of Prime Minister Keir Starmer’s infamous “return of the sausages” gaffe has taken a new turn. This time for MP’s, within the hallowed House of Commons restaurant.

By Our Political Correspondent: Polly Ticks

Just a day after the Labour leader mistakenly called for the “return of the sausages” instead of hostages during his conference speech. Kitchen staff served individual portions of “Hostage in the hole” to MPs, delivering the perfect satirical jab.

As House of Commons MPs sat down to enjoy their lunch. What appeared to be innocent servings of the British classic—sausages baked in batter. Turned into a full-on comedic spectacle. A photograph leaked to the SUFFOLK GAZETTE shows half a dozen of these ironic toad-in-the-holes.

Each sausage-and-batter combination unnervingly resembling a big erect cock. Juicy sausages standing tall in golden, crispy batter brought chuckles from the dining room and fuelled online ridicule once again.

“Everyone in the kitchen thinks Starmer’s a dick.” one anonymous Commons chef confided. “After the PM’s cock-up, we felt it was only fitting to serve up something to commemorate it.”

Hezbollah soup

Starmer, who is facing scrutiny for his handling of the Israel-Palestine conflict, is taking the ribbing in his stride. When asked by the SUFFOLK GAZETTE at the United Nations if the sausage mishap had been the result of hunger or a faulty autocue, the Prime Minister joked, “Was it in the autocue? I just mangled the word. Have you never done that?”

As the plates were cleared back in the Houses of Parliament, one Tory MP was overheard saying, “That was delicious! Better than the usual cheese and Hamas sandwiches we usually get served in here!”

Meanwhile: Norfolk MPs in crisis over family staff ban