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London – Tower Hamlets Islamic protest halted by lost contact lens

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London – Tower Hamlets Islamic protest halted by lost contact lens
London - Tower Hamlets Islamic protest halted by lost contact lens

London protest halted as man loses contact lens mid-march.

By Our Religious Affairs Reporter: Rev Evan Elpus

TOWER HAMLETS, LONDON – London witnessed another day of “peaceful tension” yesterday as two opposing groups — one marching against a cancelled UKIP protest and the other apparently searching for a lost contact lens — briefly brought the capital to a standstill.

The demonstration, initially organised as a counter-march against UKIP’s planned Whitechapel protest, featured columns of masked Muslim men chanting “Allahu Akbar” in defiance of what organisers described as “provocation dressed as patriotism.” UKIP’s rally, led by the party’s new head Nick Tenconi, had been moved nine miles away by Scotland Yard amid fears of “serious disorder,” leaving counter-protesters with little to counter except themselves.

Blind leading the blind

But what began as a show of unity quickly descended into farce when one marcher, identified only as Adeel from Ilford, dropped his contact lens in the middle of the procession. According to witnesses, the chanting stopped mid-verse, and hundreds of men suddenly knelt in unison, scouring the tarmac outside a kebab shop. “It looked like mass prayer,” said one baffled onlooker, “until someone yelled, ‘Found it!’ and everyone cheered.”

Traffic was brought to a halt for nearly 20 minutes while participants crawled on hands and knees across Whitechapel Road. At one point, police officers considered deploying a torch from the riot van to assist, before deciding this might “escalate matters.”

When the lens was finally recovered, it was ceremoniously held aloft, drawing chants of “Allahu Akbar” once again — though it remained unclear whether the celebration was religious or optical in nature.

Mayor Lutfur Rahman, leading the march despite his fraud conviction, praised the “community spirit” of the search, calling it “a perfect metaphor for unity in vision.”

As one police officer dryly remarked: “At least nobody lost their temper — just their lens.”

Meanwhile: ’An attack on inbred people’: Protest planned against government cuts

Suffolk Police appeal for help after bus goes missing

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Suffolk Police appeal for help after bus goes missing
Suffolk Police appeal for help after bus goes missing

Suffolk Police baffled after “a very large and hard-to-hide object.” Goes missing.

By Our Crime Editor: Rob Banks

Suffolk Constabulary has launched an urgent appeal after an entire bus. Registration WZ56 LFT, vanished without a trace from a depot in Stowmarket late Thursday night. The missing vehicle, a number 76 route bus normally seen trundling between Stowmarket and Bury St Edmunds. It just disappeared sometime between midnight and 3 a.m. after intruders broke through the depot gates using what police believe was a circular saw.

Officers and transport staff have spent the weekend combing roads, fields, and even the occasional bus enthusiast’s driveway. So far the £250,000 vehicle remains firmly off the radar. “It’s not like stealing a bike,” admitted Detective Inspector Paul Trolley of Suffolk Police. “We’re fairly confident the bus didn’t just roll away on its own.”

Its behind you

Locals have taken to social media with wild theories, ranging from pranksters joyriding to rumors of a secret underground bus racing circuit operating somewhere near Thetford Forest. Others claim to have seen a “double-decker shaped shadow” near a Tesco car park, though police have yet to confirm these reports.

First Eastern Buses, who operate the route, said they were “shocked and disappointed,” adding that services on the 76 line will now be replaced by “a shorter, less convenient route operated by someone’s cousin in a Ford Transit.”

Police are urging anyone who may have seen the distinctive blue and white single-decker. Or who notices a suspiciously large new garden ornament — to get in touch immediately.

Information can be sent via email to itsbehindyou@suffolkgazette.co.suffolk, or reported anonymously to Crimestoppers.

Sorry about the water, Bill!

The Editor
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Sorry about the water, Bill!
Sorry about the water, Bill!

Northumbrian Water customer billed £52 million a month by mistake.

By Our Consumer Correspondent: Colin Allcabs

Bill Thompson, 62, of Lesbury, thought his world had collapsed this week when a letter from Northumbrian Water informed him that his new monthly bill would be an eye-watering £52 million.

The letter, which cheerfully read, “Fifty-two million pounds a month. We’re asking every household to join in,” sent Thompson into a mild panic. “I nearly choked on my Hobnob,” he told reporters. “Then I dropped my tea on my foot. I’ve had gas bills before, but nothing like this.”

Neighbours reported similar hysteria after receiving identical letters. One pensioner was seen muttering about selling the cat on eBay, while another began Googling how to move to Scotland, “where it always rains, so water must be free.”

Northumbrian Water was quick to clarify the error, explaining that the £52 million figure actually referred to a fundraising target for international charity WaterAid, not an individual customer’s bill. “We would like to reassure customers that they will not, in fact, be charged the GDP of a small nation for their tap water,” a spokesperson said. “We regret any tea-related injuries this misunderstanding may have caused.”

Critics, however, have slammed the wording of the campaign. Consumer watchdogs described it as “the most terrifying piece of post since the TV licence renewal.” Others suggested WaterAid might want to reconsider its approach, with one angry resident quipping, “If they need that much money, they should just privatise rain.”

Thompson, having regained composure (and cleaned his carpet), remains unconvinced. “I wouldn’t mind giving a few quid to charity,” he said, “but £52 million a month? I don’t think my overdraft could take the strain.”

For now, Northumbrian Water customers can breathe easy – though many say they’ll be reading their post with oven gloves and a stiff drink in future.

Sales of ‘Cooking With Poo’ recipe book go straight down the toilet

The Editor
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Sales of ‘Cooking With Poo’ recipe book go straight down the toilet
Sales of ‘Cooking With Poo’ recipe book go straight down the toilet

Thai chef’s cookbook Cooking With Poo flops due to unfortunate title.

By Our Farming Correspondent (intern): Ivor Traktor

WATERSTONES, LONDON – Thai chef Saiyuud Diwong—affectionately known as “Poo”—has seen sales of her once-celebrated cookbook Cooking With Poo go decidedly off the boil.

The book, whose title refers to Diwong’s nickname (meaning “crab” in Thai), was expected to sell like hot Thai fish cakes. Instead, it’s languishing on bookshop shelves, as bemused shoppers take one look at the cover and promptly decide they’ve lost their appetite.

Winner of the 2011 Diagram Prize for Oddest Title of the Year, Cooking With Poo initially garnered international attention for its unintentional toilet humour. “We thought the name might cause a few giggles,” said a spokesperson for Diwong’s publisher, “but we didn’t anticipate people assuming it was… well, literal.”

Don’t lick the spoon

Diwong, who rose to fame running a community cooking school in Bangkok’s Khlong Toey slum and has even cooked alongside Jamie Oliver, insists the title remains “a source of pride.” “My name is Poo,” she told Thai media, “and I cook. It’s really quite simple.”

However, sales have dropped sharply since the latest reprint hit Western supermarkets, where photos of smiling shoppers holding the book have become the latest meme under the hashtag #NoThanksChef.

Marketing experts suggest a rebrand may be necessary. “Maybe Cooking with Crab would have been a safer bet,” said one PR consultant, “though admittedly less viral.”

Despite the slump, Diwong remains upbeat. “People laugh, but laughter is good for digestion,” she said. “Besides, my recipes are delicious—whatever people think they’re cooking with.”

As one Thai reviewer put it: “It’s not what it sounds like. But try explaining that to someone who just burst out laughing in the cookbook aisle.”

Meanwhile: Woman finds rare white dog poo while holidaying in Suffolk

‘Helmet grab’ was innocent helm control claim retired river-going couple

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‘Helmet grab’ was innocent helm control claim retired river-going couple
Innocent river cruise photo went viral and triggered a flood of cheeky offers for “pleasure cruises.”

An innocent river cruise photo went viral and triggered a flood of cheeky offers for “pleasure cruises.”

By Our Norfolk Reporter: Ian Bred

RIVER ORWELL, SUFFOLK – A quiet Suffolk couple have found themselves at the centre of a social media storm after what was meant to be a wholesome photo from their river cruise on the Orwell appeared to show something altogether more scandalous.

Maureen Stock, 68, a retired primary school teacher from Woodbridge, shared the image online last weekend, proudly captioning it “Lovely day on the river with Reg 💕.” The photo showed Maureen at the helm of a small pleasure boat, hand on the steering handle, while her husband Reg, 71, stood directly behind her. Unfortunately, due to an unfortunate angle and optical illusion, the positioning made it appear that Maureen was enthusiastically clutching something that was most definitely not nautical equipment.

Within hours, the photo had gone viral, amassing thousands of shares under hashtags like #RiverOrwellScandal and #GripGate. Commenters described it as “the most British sex scandal since Profumo,” while others simply praised Reg for his “confidence at his age.”

Take the helmet

Speaking from her semi-detached home, an indignant Maureen said: “It’s absurd! I was holding the tiller. Reg was standing behind me. It was just the camera angle! People need to get their minds out of the gutter.”

Unfortunately, Maureen’s attempts to clarify only fuelled the fire. She claims to have received “over 300 messages from strange men”, many offering her “free pleasure cruises”, “private yacht tours”, and one particularly bold offer of “a weekend in my cabin, no strings attached.”

A red-faced Reg added, “We’ve learned our lesson — next time, I’ll grab the helm myself.”

Growing calls for Winston Churchill to be reanimated to save Britain

The Editor
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Growing calls for Winston Churchill to be reanimated to save Britain
Growing calls for Winston Churchill to be reanimated to save Britain

Britons demand reanimated Churchill to rescue nation from endless modern chaos.

By Our Political Correspondent: Polly Ticks

CABINET WAR ROOMS, LONDON – Across the United Kingdom, a growing number of weary citizens are calling for the reanimation of Sir Winston Churchill to “sort this whole bloody mess out.” From inflation and immigration to rain-soaked barbecues and rail strikes, many now believe only Britain’s wartime bulldog can bring order to the nation’s ever-expanding catalogue of crises.

A petition launched on social media under the hashtag #BringBackWinston has already attracted over 1.2 million signatures and a surprising number of comments such as “He wouldn’t have stood for this nonsense,” and “He defeated Hitler, surely he can fix Thames Water.”

What to expect

The campaign’s leader, Lowestoft resident Thomas Crinch, chair of the campaign group Residents AGainst Everything (RAGE), said he envisions Churchill being “partially reanimated, maybe from the waist up, just enough to shout at people and smoke a cigar.” Supporters have even proposed funding his resurrection through a special “Spirit of Dunkirk” tax, to be levied on vegan sausage rolls.

Keep calm & carry on

Historians are divided. Professor Lionel Crisp of Oxford warned that “reanimating Churchill may cause diplomatic strain,” pointing out that “the last time he returned to public life, Britain ended up with the Suez Crisis.” Nevertheless, a YouGov poll found that 68% of respondents would prefer a reanimated Churchill in charge to “anyone currently available, alive or otherwise.”

Meanwhile, scientists at Imperial College have reportedly been approached to “look into it.” One anonymous researcher confirmed: “We’ve brought mice back after freezing. Churchill can’t be that much harder.”

For now, Churchill remains at rest—though with public patience at its limit, it seems only a matter of time before someone starts digging up Bladon Churchyard in search of national salvation.

Meanwhile: Petition against Mrs Brown’s Boys Xmas Special hits million mark


Celebrities bare all near Ed Sheeran’s Suffolk home

The Editor
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Celebrities bare all near Ed Sheeran’s Suffolk home
Celebrities bare all near Ed Sheeran’s Suffolk home

Naked celebrities spotted in Framlingham; locals baffled, Ed Sheeran possibly involved.

By Our Entertainment Editor: Arthur Pint

Residents of the quiet Suffolk town of Framlingham say they are “utterly bewildered” after a spate of reports claiming naked and semi-clad celebrities have been spotted wandering the streets in the dead of night.

According to eyewitnesses, the otherwise peaceful market town—best known as the home of pop megastar Ed Sheeran—has recently become the unlikely stage for what one resident described as “a sort of celebrity nudist parade.” Among those allegedly seen “frolicking and carrying on” were former University Challenge host Jeremy Paxman, ex-TV presenter Philip Schofield, and fitness enthusiast Davina McCall.

Testimonies

One local, Mrs Beryl Mott, 68, told the Suffolk Gazette: “It was gone 3am when I looked out and saw what I thought was a streaker. Then I realised it was Jeremy Paxman doing lunges in the car park behind the Co-op.”

Another resident claimed that Schofield was spotted “wearing only a scarf and a smile” near the duck pond, while McCall was seen “encouraging onlookers to join in a spontaneous circuit-training session” in the market square at around 4am.

Police have issued a polite but firm reminder that “Suffolk isn’t Love Island” and that public nudity, however high-profile the participants, “is generally frowned upon.”

Speculation has inevitably turned to Ed Sheeran, whose sprawling Suffolk estate lies just outside the town. However, there is no evidence linking him to the nocturnal antics. A spokesperson for the singer declined to comment, saying only that “Ed was fully clothed and asleep at the time.”

A Serious Warning

Meanwhile, Framlingham Town Council says it is considering erecting new signage to deter celebrity streaking. As one councillor put it drily, “We appreciate the attention, but this isn’t Glastonbury—there’s a limit to how much naked networking we can take.”

Must Read: How Ed Sheeran inspired an East Suffolk property boom

Big Bunny Baffles Bury: 300ft Rabbit Roams Suffolk Countryside

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Big Bunny Baffles Bury: 300ft Rabbit Roams Suffolk Countryside
300ft Rabbit Roams Suffolk Countryside

Giant 300-foot rabbit spotted in Suffolk creates carrot chaos.

By Our Norfolk Reporter: Ian Bred

BURY ST EDMUNDS – Residents of rural Suffolk were left stunned this week after reports emerged of a 300-foot rabbit roaming the countryside, casually nibbling on hedgerows, flattening allotments, and—according to one eyewitness—“looking slightly confused but otherwise polite.”

The enormous creature, nicknamed Big Flopsy by locals, was first sighted near Bury St Edmunds at dawn on Tuesday, hopping serenely across a barley field. “At first I thought it was the church tower moving,” said villager Pam Draycott. “Then it blinked at me, and I realized I’d either gone mad or Suffolk had a new tourist attraction.”

Authorities have yet to confirm the existence of the giant lagomorph, though Suffolk Police did issue a statement urging residents “not to approach, feed, or attempt to mount the rabbit.” The Ministry of Agriculture, meanwhile, has sent a team of “specialist carrot consultants” to investigate.

Hopping mad

The National Trust has expressed concern about potential damage to heritage sites. “If it heads towards Sutton Hoo, we’re in trouble,” warned a spokesperson. “We barely survived the moles last year.”

Social media has been flooded with blurry photos showing what appear to be two enormous ears silhouetted against the sunrise, while conspiracy theorists online are already speculating that the creature is the result of a government experiment involving Easter eggs, Brexit, and leftover Covid vaccines.

Despite fears, local businesses are embracing the phenomenon. Framlingham’s bakery has launched Bunny Buns, while the pub, The Leaping Hare, reports record bookings for its new “Rabbit Ale Trail.”

When asked for comment, a DEFRA representative sighed: “Frankly, after the pandemic, bird flu, and exploding whales, a 300-foot rabbit is hardly our strangest call this year.”

For now, Suffolk residents remain on alert—armed with binoculars, camera phones, and, just in case, a very large lettuce.

Must Read: We do not bring good luck, insist white rabbits

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