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Wash & Go with Terminal Hairlines

The Editor
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Wash & Go with Terminal Hairlines
Wash & Go with Terminal Hairlines
Wash & Go with Terminal Hairlines

Brushing aside the disastrous impact Covid 19 has had on the travel industry. Commercial airlines Ryanair and British Airways are branching out.into the hair and beauty industry called Hairlines to boost sales in the run-up to Xmas.

Let’s face it, with the eyebrow-raising cost of the pandemic to the global tourism industry.estimated at $935 billion, something silly had to be done.

Hairlines are open for booking

As you prepare to jet off on your winter getaway, instead of waiting impatiently for your gate to be called,.you can now sit back and relax in an effeminate stylist’s swivel chair in one of the new ‘terminal salons’ being installed at all major UK & Irish airports, especially Southend Airport which is only 39.3 miles away from Ipswich. Only.

A load of old ponytail

Under the moniker, ‘British Hairways’, BA is offering women’s cuts for £45,.all-over colouring for £50, or a ‘special occasion updo’ for £65.

BA competitor, Ryanair’s ‘Ryan-hair’ service is offering men’s cuts for £30, root smudge for £25, and balayage highlights with foilayage for £150, although standard knee space in its salons is limited to about 11 inches between the chair and the wash basin. Extra legroom seats are available from €/£14.00 – Rows 1, 2 (D, E, F) & 16-17 per cut or blow dry. Front Seats from €/£7.00 – Rows 2 (A, B, C)-5 per blue rinse. Standard Seats from €/£3.00 – Rows 6-15 and 18-33 per cut or blow dry or colouring. Complimentary cups of tea or coiffure are charged at €/£7.00.

Too much toupee

The new Hairlines trend in terminal hairstyling is catching on internationally. JAL, the Japanese flag-carrying hairline is offering Japanese straightening for $300+. However, this method of breaking and reshaping protein bonds to permanently alter the structure of the hair lasts for up to 7 months, and is suitable for clients who want a long-lasting, very straight result. Application takes several hours and must be booked upon consultation.

道中ご無事に

Dōchū go buji ni!

(Bon Voyage!)

Bounty bars aren’t going anywhere this Xmas

The Editor
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Bounty bars aren’t going anywhere this Xmas
Bounty bars aren’t going anywhere this Xmas
Bounty bars aren’t going anywhere this Xmas

The backlash has begun against Mars Wrigley UK’s decision to banish Bounty bars from their Celebrations tubs.

A study conducted by the corporate providers of unneeded body fat revealed that 58% of their customers said they would miss Bounty bars if it were to go. And now, the obesity-exploiting firm wants Bounty fans to have their say at #bringbackbounty before it makes a final decision on the tropical filling-filler’s fate. The exploitative purveyor of child’s-teeth-rotting sugar treats has even produced a new TV ad showing a bar of the ‘Marmite’ coconut-flavoured confectionery being fired and then come crawling back.

Bounty bars future

According to initial research by the evil chocolate manufacturer, which involved over 100,000 Brits aged 12-105, 39% wanted Bounty bars removed, burned, or sent back to paradise – forever. But hang on… that’s a minority? That’s not how it works in this country. 61% want them to remain! It’s called democracy!

Surely the whole thing isn’t just a cynical marketing ploy designed to generate sales?

We asked Ezmerelda Owen, from Mars Wrigley to tell us what was really going on:

“Come on. ‘You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone’. That’s what we decided would be the central idea behind our fake news Xmas campaign to flog mountains of Celebrations tubs to fatsos, lol! First, just pretend to get rid of Bounty bars – stir the pot a little, create the debate, and then…BANG! Follow up with our own campaign to bring them back again. The majority still want them anyway. It’s straight out of the Josef Goebbels playbook. Works every time! Snort!”

In other CELEBRATIONS news…

Apparently, Snickers was relieved that it wasn’t his head on the block this Christmas. A poll conducted amongst the Staff at the Suffolk Gazette revealed that the dry, pasty, annoying bits-of-peanutty mini chew-chew bar was by far the least favoured.

Which item in the Celebrations tub do you hate the most?

Styles styles it out in Ipswich Tesco Express

The Editor
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Styles styles it out in Ipswich Tesco Express
Styles styles it out in Ipswich Tesco Express
Ipswich Tesco Express

Styles by name, styles by nature. Unfortunately, many of the excruciating style choices.made by heartthrob pop star, Harry Styles, have backfired – spectacularly at Ipswich Tesco Express.

In a recent experiment to improve his image perception, the former One Direction frontman.went to the extreme of visiting the Ipswich Tesco Express at Bramford Road. According to an insider, the sartorially challenged millennial decided that by placing himself in an ordinary setting.(and let’s face it – it doesn’t come more ordinary than Ipswich Tesco Express),.he himself would, by comparison, appear more interesting.

To heighten the juxtaposition (W.C. ‘two things being seen or placed close together for contrasting effect’), the chart-topping warbler from Redditch,.Worcestershire accessorized with a navy blue plastic shopping basket as he pranced around the store whistling, and pretending to do his weekly shop.

Stay close to me at Ipswich Tesco Express

Placing oneself in unattractive surroundings to over-emphasize one’s own beauty,. or ‘landscaping’ as it is known amongst the Hollywood Glitterati, is the urban equivalent of going out partying with your ugliest or fattest mate to make yourself look better. We’ve all done it.

Styles, who used to dress normally when he was in One Direction has, since turning his back.on the former bandmates who helped him make it to the top, struggled to find his own style. Despite engaging the services of an army of stylists, designers, and fashion consultants, still ‘the clothes wear him.’ Whether it’s the multi-coloured Willy Wonka dinner suit, the flared two-piece made out of his mum’s dining room curtains, or the awkwardly-fitting lumberjacket and Dame Edna Everage feather boa combo, nothing will sit right on the boy.

styles it out in Ipswich Tesco

At the Suffolk Gazette, our advice to Harry would be – just be yourself. Mild transvestitism in rock is a great look – if you’re David Bowie, Marc Bolan, or Morrissey, but you have to FEEL it. If you’re just doing it to broaden your L.G.B.T.Q.I.A.+ credentials, it stands out a mile – like a badly positioned toupee.

Come on, Styles! Never forget those immortal Odyssey song lyrics…

“zipping up my boots – going back to my roots!”

*W.C. = Working Class

Labour demands apology over Tory MP’s ‘rude’ behaviour

The Editor
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Labour demands apology over Tory MP’s ‘rude’ behaviour
Labour demands apology over Tory MP's ‘rude’ behaviour

The Labour Party has called for an immediate groveling apology.and an expensive, pointless investigation into the behaviour of a random Tory MP… let’s say… err… James Cleverly MP

Secretary of State for Foreign, Commonwealth and Development Affairs.over claims he mistreated staff while purchasing goods in the House of Commons shop.

Here we go again

The BBC, The Guardian newspaper, and various other rabid left-wing outlets are reporting that anonymous.(i.e. they don’t exist) civil servants and other staff were offered counseling after the incident which allegedly happened as Tory MP Mr Cleverly popped into the commons’ shop after leaving the chamber last Tuesday lunchtime.

The reports say that the Tory MP acted in a “rude” and “aggressive” manner.as he was purchasing a Jamaican Patty and a bottle of spring water from the House of Commons on-site shop. The anonymous (i.e. they don’t exist) victims allege that The cabinet Minister “failed to say.thank you in the correct tone of voice nor raised a convincing smile” as he paid for his items in cash.

In reply, Cleverly’s spokesman said he “doesn’t always find it easy to smile but always acts with the utmost professionalism when buying his lunch”.

The Guardian’s report said it had spoken to “multiple sources” who all claimed the same thing:.(how coincidental) that Mr Cleverly had created a “culture of fear” at the checkout and that his behaviour with shop staff had been “demeaning” and “very rude and aggressive”.

What now with Tory MP?

In support of the pathetically spurious claims of its socialist rag co-conspirator, The BBC repeated the Guardian’s carefully-vaguely-worded report which claimed several sources had told it that about (more or less) 15 or 100 members of staff from Tory MP Mr Cleverly‘s private office felt they were “not sufficiently warmly greeted by the minister in the morning, nor appreciatively bade goodbye at the end of the day, resulting in hurt feelings and extreme anxiety when forced to be around the minister in the workplace.”

The BBC also reported that Alpha Romeo, the silliest and most insipid civil servant in Westminster, had spoken to Tory MP Mr Cleverly to warn him that he must treat staff professionally and with respect… which when you break it down, in no way supports the allegations being made against the Minister in question but merely adds to the general atmosphere of unproven wrong-doing with which the two news organizations are attempting, in collusion with one another, to smear the Tory Government, which they hate.

Toilet humour

Concerns have also allegedly been expressed to BBC News about Mr Cleverly’s alleged (untrue) tendency to not thoroughly wash his hands (especially between the fingers and around the wrists) after he uses the cabinet office’s unisex toilet.

Despite all of the above pathetic piffle, however, no formal complaints have been made against the cabinet minister.

Says it all really.

Weighing up Tite’s attacking options for Brazil’s opening World Cup fixture against Serbia

The Editor
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Weighing up Tite’s attacking options for Brazil’s opening World Cup fixture against Serbia
Weighing up Tite's attacking options for Brazil's opening World Cup fixture against Serbia

With the latest renewal of the FIFA World Cup just a matter of days away, it is no surprise to see five-time winners Brazil at the fore of the outright winners’ market. With their prowess, they are there or there abouts every four years, but this time it feels slightly different.

It’s been exactly 20 years since the Samba nation last lifted the famous gold trophy. However, the squad they have accumulated for this year’s tournament in Qatar is perhaps their best in the last two decades and they are more than capable of getting their hands back on the prize this winter.

There a no question marks surrounding this group of talented players, with strength and depth in all areas of the pitch — particularly in attack, where Brazil have largely struggled since the retirement of the likes of Ronaldo and Ronaldinho, with Neymar having to carry a lot of the burden for the last decade.

The wealth of options in attack is sure to give Tite a selection headache ahead of the Seleção’s opening game of Group G, a match they are expected to win in the Brazil v Serbia odds. So, aside from the obvious choice in Neymar, let’s take a look at who could lead the line from the off for Tite’s side.

Vinicius Junior

After a couple of campaigns underachieving at Real Madrid, Vinicius Junior finally started setting the world alight last season — scoring 22 goals and assisting 20 in 52 appearances across all competitions as Real Madrid won the Champions League and La Liga titles.

That form has resulted in him becoming a regular starter for Tite over the last 12 months, featuring in all but one of Brazil’s last 10 games. He will likely get a start on the left-wing, but he will need to up his contribution if he wants to nail down that place after scoring just once in 16 appearances for his country.

Raphinha

From Madrid to their fierce rivals Barcelona, Raphinha is in with a shout of starting down the opposite flank to Vini Jr. The 25-year-old made a name for himself at Leeds United and has featured in 11 of Brazil’s last 13 games — only missing out because he tested positive for Covid-19 in March.

He hasn’t exactly hit the heights expected of him at the Nou Camp, however, with just one goal in over 15 appearances. Hopefully his four goals and two assists in his last four games for Brazil will be enough for Tite to overlook those lacklustre Barca performances, or Manchester United’s Antony could sneak in his place.

Richarlison

A doubt for the World Cup after suffering an injury while playing for Tottenham Hotspur, it looks like Richarlison is going to make the plane to Qatar after all. It’s good news for Tite and Brazil fans, as the 25-year-old has a stunning record of 17 goals in 38 games for his country.

With Neymar dropping back to a more attacking midfield role for some of Brazil’s most recentfriendlies, Richarlison could play down the middle of a Vini Jr x Raphinha-led attack. But his fitness levels could still be an issue ahead of the Serbia game, as he’s been side-lined since mid-October.

Gabriel Jesus

With Richarlison fighting for fitness and the possibility of Neymar dropping back a bit, that would leave Gabriel Jesus as the man to play the No.9 role. There was shock when the striker was left out of Brazil’s final warm-up games against Ghana and Tunisia, but he is expected to be recalled for the World Cup.

Jesus, who has scored 19 times in 56 games for Brazil, started the season in fine form for Arsenal — finding the back of the net five times in their opening eight league games. But the goals have dried up lately and the 25-year-old will be hoping he can find his shooting boots before jetting off to the Middle East.  

coc’n’nuts bouncy castle fit for a king dong

The Editor
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coc’n’nuts bouncy castle fit for a king dong
coc’n’nuts bouncy castle fit for a king dong
coc’n’nuts bouncy castle

A suffolk town Saxmundham is all set for Christmas with a giant naughty bouncy castle.

Pornofruit Greengrocers of Saxmundham, Suffolk – which featured in the Suffolk Gazette in October. Making the news again in the run-up to Xmas. We reported on the iconic ‘sperm-slide’ that the kinky purveyor of fruit & veg had installed in its kids’ playground to keep the little ones from getting under their horny parent’s feet as they shopped.Now, with Christmas ‘round the corner, the pervy provider of erotic food has gone one better this time with a giant con’n’nuts bouncy castle.

Customers visiting the store yesterday were amazed and slightly overwhelmed at the sight of a giant bouncy castle. Endowed with a 12ft inflatable male member and two enormous squishy testicles. The playground attraction, dubbed ‘coc’n’nuts’ castle’ by regulars made an instant splash as children,.some as young as three, happily climbed, and swung off of the oversized cock and bounced on the nuts while their adults neglectfully shopped inside.

Shagging on a bouncy castle

Pornofruit owner & manageress, Lolita Feelgood (65) told this reporter ”Since you last came,.business has been steady but with Xmas coming we thought we could benefit from a promotion. The ‘coc’n’nuts castle’ fits well with our brand which is all about fruit, veg, nuts, and shagging etc. So we’re very happy with it.”

Christmas is cumming

This reporter asked Feelgood if she had any special products in store this Christmas? “The new range of ‘big, fat green cocks’ (cucumbers) is selling well and we are expanding the veg range with Xmas.classics like Brussels Sprouts which we are marketing as ‘Elfs’ Gonads’.

Nuts are popular this time of year and we have the full selection which we are selling in small sacks as – you guessed it – ‘Reindeer Nuts’. In the fruit department, we are paying tribute to the big man who endures freezing temperatures in his draughty sleigh each year, with our ‘Santa’s Frosted Goolies’ which are prunes (shriveled plums) dusted with sugar. Pop a couple of those in your mouth and it’ll really get the Christmas party started!”

Happy Christmas to the customers and staff of Pornofruit, Saxmundham!

Suffolk man invents cure for liver diseases with Listerine

The Editor
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Suffolk man invents cure for liver diseases with Listerine
Suffolk man invents cure for liver disease
Suffolk man invents cure for liver disease

A genius man in Suffolk has invented a remedy to cure liver diseases with orange juice and listerine.

When President Trump suggested that injecting disinfectant inside people could be a treatment for coronavirus. It wasn’t the first time home cures and remedies for serious conditions have been promoted and suggested to the gullible or desperately ill.

Invented in 1851, Gripe Water was prescribed to babies with teething pains or colic. With an alcohol content of up to 9%, it’s hardly surprising that the babas felt better after a few spoonfuls.

Drinking one’s own urine has also long been considered a healthy pass time. Despite there being no scientific evidence to support the idea. It certainly isn’t a cure for halitosis (bad breath).although that didn’t stop the Romans from using their piss (which is yellow) to aid teeth whitening. Idiots.

Liver diseases are now curable

Now, an amateur scientist from Chillesford, East Suffolk has posted a Tok ToK video claiming that Listerine Coolmint Antibacterial Mouthwash can ‘clean the liver’. and act as ‘a cure for alcohol-related liver diseases’. Hmmmmm.

We decided to test the theory…

Bob, the security guard at the Suffolk Gazette head office is clearly an alcoholic with serious liver diseases. He has all the usual symptoms: blotchy red face, bloodshot piggy eyes, trembling hands,.a wobbly gait, and, most telling of all, he opens his mouth to speak about 5 seconds before he actually says anything.

This reporter, and a couple of the editorial Staff took Bob down to the White Horse in town,.and lined up a pint with a Southern Comfort chaser on the bar in front of him. After distracting him for a moment by gesturing towards landlady Carols’ fit ass,.Terry & I spiked both his drinks with mouthwash from the travel-sized bottles of Listerine we had secreted in our coat pockets. All we had to do now was wait.

Four and a half hours later…

Wl. Weev bin in th PUB forabpout FiVe hours nooooow.  I am     totally WANKRD. tErry has GHone round the back with CARol aND is Givin HER wun up ThE SHitTer. Bob IS Still seated AT t he BAAAAArR and LoOks fine Tommy. Either LISteriNe Izzz acure For CANCER , errrr, I MeAN AlcoHoLismmmm, orrrrr It MAked IT WORSE!?!!

Man spotted eating raw meat in the bus

The Editor
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Man spotted eating raw meat in the bus
Man spotted eating raw meat in the bus
Man spotted eating raw meat in Ipswich

An unshaven, unemployed and unattractive man was spotted eating raw meat while traveling in a local bus in Ipswich.

To the eyewitness’s horror, a stereotypical Englishman (unshaven, unkempt appearance, bad clothes, unattractive figure, unemployed, etc). Peeled back the film cover of the packet,.picked up a lump of raw beef, popped it in his mouth, and ate it. All without washing his hands. Dirty bastard.

Is eating raw meat normal?

Ahh. The French. What a curious race of people they are. On the one hand elegant, refined, stylish, a la mode, but, on the other, utterly disgusting.– hairy armpits, spitting at the opera and cheating at everything. What cannot be denied, however, is that whatever the French do.– good or bad – it is always done with a certain je ne sais quoi. Take steak tartare, for example. The raw preparation of beef (or horsemeat) that is commonly served in French bistros, brasseries, and cafes. Being French, the dish is lovingly served garnished with onions,.capers, mushrooms, pepper, Worcestershire sauce, and other choice seasonings and finished off with a raw egg yolk on top. Aah… exquisite!

Consume today, cook tomorrow

Now consider the English. Apart from Jeremy Paxman (who could easily have played James Bond), Fiona ‘Fifi’ Bruce (part English) and, perhaps Carol Vorderman (Welsh), the English are generally considered to be lacking in style – this doesn’t include punk rockers (of whom Fifi Bruce was once an example) or tweed of course. Everything the English do is done in a hurry with corners cut and no attention given to detail. The English don’t care if something is badly presented or doesn’t work properly, so long as it can be purchased online in the next five minutes and consumed today or latest tomorrow – ideally before midday.

Take for example the passenger who spotted eating raw meat,.boarded the Nacton Nipper bus in Ipswich at 4.40 p.m. last Wednesday afternoon. According to an eyewitness, the man had not been riding the bus for more than two minutes when he reached into his shopping bag and pulled out a vacuum-sealed packet of minced beef.

France 10 – 0 England

Now I don’t know about you valued reader, but given the choice, I would rather eat a heavily garlic-infused candlelit meal of raw horsemeat opposite French footballer, crap actor, and waffling pseudo-intellectual, Eric Cantona than I would sit beside the man on that bus who was seen eating raw meat.

Eric: You know, the English like love, but the French… we make love!

Gulp!

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