Chris Rea will be prevented from driving home for Christmas this year due to his local garage failing his beloved Fiat 500’s MOT.
Rea, 71, famous for driving home from concert tours for Christmas to his wife, Joan, and children, Josephine and Christina, told the Suffolk Gazette that this year he would be spending the whole festive season out on the road to hell with his band. “Yeah, wey am gooted laike.” (Rea is from Middlesbrough) “Ah alwees draives hyem for Chrismass laike, but this year I can’t.
Them basstuds in the garage, wouldn’t pass me Fiat laike. Even wen ah ses tiv ‘em… ‘D’yee knaa who ay am?’ They ses ‘actuaaly, we de knaa who yee are. Yoor that Chris Rea off ther radio who sings that sang – Driving hyem fur Christmas aren’t yee leik?’”
We tried to keep up with what Rea was saying…
“’Aye’, I ses. ‘Ow d’yee knaa who I am, then?’ ‘n’ this cheeky basstud says ‘Becos yee left yoor cack CD in yer car radio and that’s an instant fail.’”
Your name’s not down. You’re not coming in to Qatar World cup 2022.
LGBTQ+ football fans are justifiably feeling excluded from the 2022 Qatar World Cup because of the Muslim Country’s hostile treatment towards same-sex couples.
Gay, lezzer, and all the other exotic sexual preferences are banned in the ‘somewhere-in-the-middle-eastern’ country, preventing followers from enjoying not only sporting tournaments, but also: the Eurovision song contest, BBC re-runs of ‘Are you being served?’, Village People tribute acts and documentaries about Martina Navratilova.
Qatar World Cup: Discrimi-nation
But LGBTQ-plussers shouldn’t feel alone. Why? Because everyone else in the world has been excluded too! Qatar WC ’22 is the most inaccessible world cup ever staged. For a kick-off, no one knows where Qatar is, let alone how to get there. If it could be found on a map, it is rumoured to be one of the most expensive regions in the Middle East for a tourist to visit. The cost of beer, wine, and spirits in Catarrh is super inflated with a pint of draft beer costing about £12, and an off-license bottle of wine around £30 – and you have to get pissed when you watch football.
We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun… before Qatar WC ‘22
Then there is the choice of season. It’s winter FFS. World cups are supposed to be held in summer so that the picture on the telly is fuzzy due to the heat rising up from the cauldron atmosphere of the arena. And English football fans back in England like to go to the pub wearing singlets, shorts, and sandals. Not anoraks, balaclavas and Wellington boots. And who agreed for England matches to take place on a Monday at 1pm? 1pm? On a Monday? Do people in Catarrh not have jobs? Lunch breaks in England end at 1pm – FFS.
We all stand together
So there we have it. Welcome to Qatar World Cup 2022, slogan “Now is All” which apparently stands for “When you live your dream, realise your destiny – and own the moment.” What bollocks. No-one in the UK, whether gay, straight, or employed is living a dream, realising their destiny, nor owning the moment. And considering no one is able to affordably visit the place, a more fitting slogan would be…
“Qatar World Cup 2022. Your name’s not down. You’re not coming in.”
A man who found a cheque to the value of £4 million made out to Confectioners Haribo, has been ‘rewarded’ with only six bags of sweets.
Retired bus driver Hernando Aribo, 71 from Lagos, Portugalnoticed the cheque lying in a puddle on the platform of Gosbeck station in Suffolk.
Haribo’s Hero
Hernando who has lived in Gosbeck for over 30 years, told this reporter that upon noticing the sum on the cheque. He nearly fell over backwards. “When I saw the sum on the cheque. I started to fall over backwards, which was unusual because I normally fall forwards when I find something of this nature.”
Maybe
Mr Aribo grew up in Portugal as the fourth son of a goat herder from the small town of Ikanna near Lagos. The family was dirt poor but little Aribo always dreamt of being a multi-millionaire bus driver. “I always dreamt of being a multi-millionaire bus driver. I used to say to myself – Hernando – Maybe one day some luck will come your way and you will easily get your £4 million. Maybe. But maybe not.”
Maybe not
Hernando, who, as a retired public servant doesn’t have to ha’pennys to rub together,.wasn’t sure what to do with the cheque. “I noticed that the cheque was payable to Haribo, which is a coincidence because my initials are H.Aribo. How strange! The only difference between the payee and my own name is a little tiny full-stop dot. Such bad luck! Ha ha ha. Even though I had always dreamt of having £4 million,.and even though the only thing that was stopping me from being able to cash the cheque was the omission of a little tiny full-stop dot, and even though I had a black biro pen in my jacket pocket, I just didn’t know what to do with cheque.”
So what did you do with the cheque, H.Aribo?
“I sent it to Haribo and got six bags of sweets as a reward.”
Evergreen truck to be introduced a a villain in the movie.
UK Gridlock inspired long-awaited fourth instalment of the popular Disney Pixel Cars film series is due for release in the UK in time for Christmas.
Set amidst the traffic chaos of the UK’s overcrowded road network. Cars 4 (or 5) ‘UK Gridlock’ is sure to put bums back on the seats of Britain’s half-empty cinemas. If motorists can get through the traffic to arrive on time, that is.
Annoying UK Gridlock
The new movie introduces a new character – villian, ‘Evergreen’. A road-raging articulated lorry whose fury at being stuck in heavy traffic all the time, boils over into a destructive rampage causing even more traffic chaos, annoying diversions, and road closures.
Lightning McQueen, the series’ hero, learns about Evergreen’s angry antics from a news report. He watches on Fox News whilst on a break from preparing for the Florida 500. Evergreen’s furious temperament reminds McQueen of his dad (whose family originated from Scotland). From whom he is estranged, so he decides to quit the 500 for the UK to hunt down the loony lorry.
Entirely plausible ending
The film’s conclusion is a closely-guarded secret, but having considered the above synopsis over a cup of tea and a Twix. We at the Suffolk Gazette reckon we might have figured it out. After McQueen arrives in the UK and has about an hour’s worth of zany, uproarious, slapstick car chases. He finally catches up with the exhausted Evergreen. After an emotional heart-to-heart over a few cans of engine oil, McQueen realizes that Evergreen is… of course… wait for it… HIS DAD!!!! Evergreen McQueen. Genius!
£40 for a plush Evergreen McQueen
With the first three or four films having accrued over $1.4 billion in box office revenue worldwide. Associated merchandising sales amassing over $10 billion, Disney Pixar hopes the introduction of the new character in the hellish setting of UK road traffic will make the latest breathless instalment an Oscar contender.
Cars 4 ‘UK Gridlock’ opens at the Rio Cinema, Ipswich on 1st December.
Why didn’t anyone think of it before? Instead of paying millions for a Police Service, just ban crime with a simple prohibitive sign patrolled zones. So simple, yet so ineffective.
Yes, this is the latest bright idea from East Suffolk Council, designed to reduce crime, sorry, reduce costs in dozens of neighbourhoods across the county. At a cost of about £6,000, five-hundred street signs prohibiting all crime between the hours of 8am and 6pm are being erected in towns and villages in East Suffolk including: Aldeburgh, Beccles, Felixstowe, Framlingham, Halesworth, Lowestoft, and Southwold as well parts of the wider Ipswich built-up area including Kesgrave, Martlesham, and Woodbridge.
How much for patrolled zones?
A press release issued by the Town Hall declared that “not only do we expect to see a reduction in crime of up to 50% in the new ‘sign patrolled zones’, but we are also saving the hard-pressed council tax payers of the county around £1.3 million in cost reductions to regular crime prevention services. We intend to re-invest the savings into some overseas fact-finding junkets for councillors, a refurbishment of the Town Hall’s ageing facilities including a new bar, gym, and Jacuzzi, and long overdue inflation-busting salary increases for the senior management team including the chief executive, Steven Baker, who is only on £155,920. (true)”
Tennent’s extra! Read all about it!
So how effective are the signs? We hit the Kirkley Cliff Road promenade in Lowestoft to find out. So what we did, my colleague John & I was, we posed as a couple of old dossers sitting on a park bench on the front, with a few empty cans of tennent’s extra and a few loose chipped potatoes scattered on the street around us. We also had a very large vintage Philips D 8304 Boombox Ghettoblaster Dual Deck Stereo Cassette Radio playing 80’s jazz funk music enticingly placed about 15ft away from us. We busted a few moves and drank some of the brewskis, and waited…
Do you want vinegar on those chips?
Sure enough, at about 11.15 pm, as we pretended to be unconscious (me on the bench and John laying on the floor in front of me), a shadowy figure skulked towards us. We were videotaping everything on a camcorder secreted inside the chip bag on the floor beside us. The batteries on the Boombox were starting to wear down but ‘Break Dance Party’ by Break Machine could still just about be heard. The stranger began to close in. We were sure that we were just about to catch a thief in the act when – it started to rain. Or at least that’s what we thought was happening. In actual fact, the person who approached us had removed his penis and started to urinate over us both, FFS.
So there we have it, proof positive that signs patrolled zones do in fact work. The Boombox trap had failed.
Customer surprised after local restaurant served a “special soup” nominated for Michelin award.
Regular readers of the Suffolk Gazette will remember our September report about a karate-chopping incident.that occurred at ‘The Dugout’, the in-house restaurant at Dedham Canoeing Club, Suffolk.
The incident involving local Red Indian thug, Joe Thunderhawk, resulted in the restaurant’s trashing and condemnation. Since then, the Dugout has been rebuilt and last Friday, re-opened with a stylish new décor and menu.
The ethnic eatery, popular with the local watersports-loving Eskimo and red Indian communities,.was full of diners excited to see what the new Dugout had to offer. In preparation for the grand re-opening, head chef, Atiqtalaaq, even traveled to Alaska and Montana,.US states heavily populated with first nation Americans, to research and meticulously plan a new, authentic menu of traditional caribou-based dishes.
Michelin award deserving soup
So you can imagine the surprise on the faces of the customers who eagerly ordered the ‘soup of the day’ up for Michelin award when,.what had been billed as ‘A delicious, caribou meat and seaweed wine soup, unique to the indigenous first nation peoples of North America’ arrived at the tables resembling a Japanese miso-style soup with a large human cock as the main ingredient.
Suffice to say, several (although not all) of the appetizers were immediately returned to the kitchen.absent compliments to the chef.
Cock au vin
Jane, an emo waitress who has worked at the restaurant for two years told this reporter what was behind the cock soup cock-up. “You remember the Joe Thunderhawk incident, yes? Well, Joe’s not normal. He’s off-the-scale insane. After he destroyed the place last time he was here, he was seen cruising around Dedham on his motorbike, late at night, wearing a maternity dress. I know… I told you he was nuts. Anyway, it seems the destruction of the restaurant at his hands was an epiphany for him because a couple of days after he destroyed the place, he graffiti’d Oxfam’s window with “Joe now be woman – woman clothes better”, and that was that.”
Yes, but what has that got to do with the human cock in the caribou soup? I asked Jane.
“Well, I saw him earlier tonight, hanging around the kitchen. You work it out.”
Website Design and User Experience in Online Casinos
In recent years, online casinos have been steadily increasing in popularity with players around the globe. However, casino games, though often appealing to people of all ages, can seem difficult for most players to master. Therefore, a website design that is well-constructed with a user-friendly interface is necessary for this industry.
Online casino websites have undergone a dramatic transformation in recent years. This is largely due to technological advancements and societal changes.
With social media and video streaming leading the way, many businesses recognize the importance of being quick on their feet and constantly updating their designs to stay competitive.
Here are some pointers on website design and usability.
1. What is User Experience (UX)?
Simply put, user experience is a person’s overall perception of an application or a website. This can range from good to bad, as something well-designed will ultimately be well-received. Spending a little extra time and effort on building your online casino site will allow you to attract potential customers who are more likely to place their trust and interest in your company. Many people will assess the design of your site before even glancing at the available games.
2. A Website’s Usability Is Achieved through Seamless Navigation
Navigating your online casino site is the quickest way to increase the amount of traffic you receive. Websites that are easy to use will appeal to potential users and drive them toward your games. 3D visuals and well-organized menus will keep the user moving within your site, making it easier for them to view your offerings. If a person is looking for a specific type of game, they should be able to find it in a matter of seconds.
3. Personalization Improves the User Experience
Many online casino sites offer tools that allow you to customize your experience. These can include personal avatars, custom backgrounds, and background music. The entire website experience can be geared around the player and their preferences.
This pre-player customization will improve the overall user experience by tailoring different aspects of the site to each individual. Highly customized sites lead to higher customer loyalty and a higher rate of retention. For example, purchasing online casino games with personalized graphics and avatars is a great way to appeal to customers and keep them coming back.
4. Marketing Benefits from User Experience in Online Casinos
Marketing is another area where user experience plays a large role. What you know about how to create a gambling website is crucial because you might realize you need experts to help. Think beyond how the site looks, what games are available, how they were made, and how to promote them.
A well-designed marketing campaign for your casino site is vital for increasing traffic and drawing in new players. Online casino sites should be promoted through many different channels, as this will help you reach a larger, more diverse audience. A marketing strategy that incorporates social media, SEO strategies, influencer marketing, user-generated content, paid advertising, etc., will increase the number of potential customers while also promoting your brand to established players.
5. Bottom-Line Benefits from User Experience and Interface Design in Online Casinos
Getting a customer to visit your site at all is a great accomplishment. However, if you want them to buy something and return to view future offerings, then the site’s user experience must remain top-notch. Once you have achieved this, you will find that your conversion rate and profits will increase dramatically. If a customer does not have a good experience on your site, they will not return. A user-friendly and accessible site will prevent this from happening, keeping your business running smoothly for years.
6. Customer Input Is Beneficial for Platform Improvement
Every business must work to improve its user experience. This is especially true for platforms that offer gambling games and other features. Customers can have a massive impact on the efficiency of your site. A customer’s initial visit to your site will be the first time they have experienced your gaming platform.
Bottom Line
All the above tips can benefit your online casino site or platform. By incorporating these suggestions and the latest trends in casino operations into your daily business, you will dramatically improve your user experience. This will result in increased traffic and revenue for your casino and higher customer loyalty and trust.
Google forces British Government to pay for the compensations for ever over Genocide claims by half of the world.
In 1902, English essayist, and poet, A. C. Benson wrote “Land of hope and glory! Mother of the free!” to the rousing, patriotic music of compatriot Edward Elgar.
“God who made thee mighty, Make thee mightier yet” he went on.
Those were the days. Back when Britain was feared, revered, and respected.
Fast forward to 2022. Today, most other countries in the world, especially those that are, or were once part of the British Empire, think we’re basically, shit.
What went wrong?
In a word… Genocide
Yes, whether it was in the former British colonies of Kenya (1.5 million people forced into concentration camps from 1953-56 and subjected to torture, rape, and other violations), or Bengal (3 million died after Britain’s refusal to allow shipments of grain from Australia and Canada to relieve the famine of 1943), or abuse of our Irish neighbours (enforcing oppressive conditions on the Irish agricultural economy contributing to over 1 million deaths during the potato famine of 1845-1852), genocide was the bitter taste left in the mouths of those we used to class as slaves. I mean friends.
Mea Culpa
On the bright side, all this was rather a long time ago, and today, the guilt-ridden people of Britain are more than happy to finance unlimited reparations for the descendants of everyone our ancestors fucked over in the past. Whether they be Jewish slaves of the ancient Egyptians (our fault). All African slaves of the international cotton trade (our fault), the Windrush generation (our fault). Iraqi interpreters left behind (in their own country) after the Iraq war ended (our fault), or Nepalese Ghurkas left behind (in their own country) after all wars. It’s all our fault and we are very, very, VERY sorry.
Lots of Genocide
Accordingly, please dismantle with haste, all our statues of former important British historical figures, and feel free to rename all the streets and squares we previously named after them. And please, PLEASE, never let us forget what our forbears – who are now no more than piles of crumbling bones lying under the sod – did to the rest of the world, for as long as we all shall live. But most of all, please don’t ever blame the French, Germans, Italians, Portuguese, Egyptians, Russians, Danes, Spanish, Argentinians, Americans, or any other nation on Earth for all the terrible things they may have accidentally done in the past – for they didn’t know what they were doing. It was us, not them.
So, please rest of the world, tell us – how much do we owe, and to whom should we make the cheques payable over genocide claims?
