ASDA’s new lube gel is rocking the shelves for Xmas 2023. The tingle lube will jingle all the bells this xmas. Our festival correspondent Lorraine Fisher – 34 has personally gathered some of below reviews:
★★★★★
Slid right in
21/11/2022
Amazing product helped me slide right up her chimney.
★★★★★
The Best, Better than all the Rest
18/11/2022
Can’t rate this lube highly enough, like my tree lights, it changes colour if you’re going into the backdoor.
★
Now I know how the tree fairy feels
13/11/2022
There’s no tingle…we both lay burning all night after using it. Felt like I’d had a Xmas tree up my arse.
★★
Blood, sweat & tears
09/11/2022
I took this with me on a date, just in case I got lucky. I was hoping for a screamer or a moaner, but like a shit Christmas gift, all I got was a sweater.
★
You could even say it glows
21/10/2022
Crap. My bell end came out looking like Rudolph’s nose.
★★★★
Jingle balls
19/10/2022
Better not add a photo…
However, if you want proof. Graham@incendiaryahole.co.uk
The sports-loving Qatar – oil, and gas-rich country has decided to bid for the 2030 Winter Olympics.
As Qatar has made such an emphatic success of the football World Cup. As exemplified by it alienating the entire gay population of the world. Showing matches when everyone is at work, and charging £12 for a single pint of beer.
Now that a country’s complete unsuitability to host a global sports competition is no longer an impediment. Qatari officials believe that the tiny Arabian peninsula’s bid stands every chance of being successful.
An insider who works in the diplomatic camel fleet of the Qatari government told the Suffolk Gazette.that a special task force has been set up to ‘make snow and mountains happen’ as preparations for the bid get underway. With money being no object, the task force is said to be working on a number of options to ready the country’s infrastructure in time for the games.
If the mountain will not come to Muhammad…
One idea being given serious consideration is to buy Mount Fuji. Currently located on the island of Honshū, Japan, and have it relocated to Qatar. With a summit elevation of 3,776.24 m, Mount Fuji – which is named after the Japanese photographic film company of the same name – would be more than capable of hosting all the skiing events as well as come with its own supply of snow, solving the major problem faced by the Arab nation which natural terrain consists mainly of sand, rock, and diamonds.
Is Winter Olympics possible in Qatar?
A controversial alternative solution to the absence of snow, is the acceleration of fossil fuel production and usage beginning in Qatar and then being promoted around the world. The idea is that with a massive, short-term increase in CO2 emissions, global warming, and climate disaster can be brought about more speedily, resulting in a new ice age that will bring with it, natural snow and ice to Qatar. Sounds reasonable.
The blind leading the blind
The Qataris’ 2030 Winter Olympic bid will be fronted by Eddie ‘the Eagle’ Edwards, the short-sighted English ski-jumper and Olympian who came last in the ski jumping event at the 1988 Calgary Winter Olympics. Edwards – most famous for achieving nothing at international level in his chosen sport – is considered by the Qataris to be a good alternative to England footballing flop, David Beckham who is performing the role of ambassador for Qatar Tourism during the current football World Cup.
In the deep months of winter, with the cold crunching down ever tighter, we can at least look forward to the festivities of Christmas. At this time of year, we all like to get together for a general chinwag, an evening out, or even for a sneaky party. Core to the merriment of many of these occasions will be some games, and without a doubt, card games are among the most popular British ways to add some pep to an evening.
Card games are inherently easy to learn, with some having a high learning curve to master, but as decks are cheap and some are even available online, they’re very accessible. If you’re staying indoors and want to test your luck against a 52-card deck, beat your peers in a game of skill, or even have some low-stakes fun with a few coins in your pocket, there are many classic and modern games that you can try your hand at.
Card gaming: a most British past time
IMAGE SOURCE: Unsplash
Like so many of the greatest elements of British society and life as a Brit, card games don’t originate from the British Isles: rather, they were imported and embraced en masse by the people. It’s said that playing cards hail from China in what we’d call the 9th century. Around the same time, it’s likely that Alfred the Great had designs for a united England and was clashing with the Vikings.
It’s very difficult to establish exactly how and when playing cards in any form made it to Britain, but evidence suggests that they had at least become prevalent by the mid-15th century. It’s likely that in the 14th century, cards made it across continental Europe, likely coming via the Middle East and Egypt. Late in the 15th century, Europe began to colonise North America, and with them, they brought their card games.
Over the centuries and through to the modern day, thousands of different games and localised variants have risen to the fore around the world. Preferences have changed greatly even within the last half-century in the UK. In the 1970s, the cribbage board card game was very popular across East Anglia, with organised leagues keeping tabs on games across pubs and bars.
IMAGE SOURCE: Pixabay
As you can see, the card games that were popular enough to warrant organised competitions can quickly fade into the background. So, to prepare you and even give some ideas for your Christmas meets and game nights, here’s a selection of British classics and new favourites that are coming to the fore in the world of card gaming. Each has been chosen for its accessibility and use of a standard deck of playing cards.
Primero
Drawing from the established link between Henry VIII and Suffolk, Primero was once a favourite card game of the king. Not only is his grand warship a part of local history now, but he is said to have played Primero with the 1st Duke of Suffolk, Charles Brandon, in his day. As is the case with many card games between peers, a bit of money was often wagered on rounds of Primero.
The game is simple to grasp but does have some key values to keep track of. To start, you need to remove the eights, nines, and tens from the deck. Then, cards two to five count as ten plus their values, sixes and sevens are tripled in value, aces are 16, and face cards have a value of ten. Four cards go to each player, and they opt to pass, stake, or bid, with the aim being to have the highest value four-card hand than anyone else at the end of the decision phase.
Card Match Up
With football fever in strangely full swing this winter, due to the 2022 World Cup in Qatar, some card game creators have become inventive with their ideas to appeal to fans of the sport and card gaming. This is where Card Match Up has come to the fore, with it having a similar run as the classic game Dragon Tiger but with a twist that makes each round more like a game of football.
Demonstrated at the live casino in the form of OnAir Live Card Match Up, players set their bets down on home, away, or a draw, just as they would in football betting. Then, the dealer draws the cards to the home and away slots. The slot with the highest card value wins, with the same cards on both sides, resulting in a tie. In an at-home version, a table of people could rotate being the dealer, with winners on either side of the draw taking the pot each time and losses to all players going to the dealer.
Newmarket
Newmarket is one of the longest-standing distinctly British card games that continues to be a go-to choice for a night of in-home gambling. It came about in the late 19th Century, with the game starting by placing bets on any of the staking cards from each suit. Then, all cards are dealt to each player and a spare hand. With the hands set, the eldest places their lowest card of a suit, and then anyone can follow with consecutive numbers. If you get to the final card of the suit, you get the staked amount in the middle, and the first out also wins.
Teen Patti
Teen Patti is an incredibly popular card game that’s often played during major festivals. You could describe it as three-card poker but with more options to rile up the others at the table. The playing stages are very simple, but instead of just having the raise as a way to bump others, you can perform actions like requesting a side show, demanding a showdown, or entering an alternative showdown to get to the end of the game.
If you fancy playing new or something classic with your pack of cards this winter, try giving Primero, Newmarket, Card Match Up, or Teen Patti a go!
Are the Houston Texans One of the Worst Teams in NFL History?
It has been a real struggle for the Houston Texans in 2022. They have won just one of their opening ten games this season, and they were fortunate to win that, as they scored just 13 points in a 13-6 victory over the Jacksonville Jaguars.
Texans fans have not had much to shout about over the last few years. Many would be forgiven for switching allegiances. Houston had losing seasons in 2020 and 2021, winning just four games in each of those years.
The Houston Texans are now as big as +50000 in the NFL betting to win the AFC South title. Those odds suggest how big of a surprise it would be if Lovie Smith’s side were able to turn it around at this stage.
Smith is back in the NFL in a head coaching role for the first since he oversaw the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in 2016. The Texan head coach is a likable guy, with many neutrals rooting for him to do well in Houston. However, it looks as though he has been handed a tough hand with the roster he has adopted.
The Texans are in danger of finishing this season as one of the worst teams in the history of the league. Their leading players must now try and lift their teammates to avoid going in the books with that label.
Comparisons to Cleveland Browns of 2017
Only five teams in the history of the NFL have gone a whole season without a win. That success over the Jaguars ensures the Texans don’t join that list. Since the league expanded to 32 teams, only two teams have gone 0-16. Detroit Lions were the first in 2014, while in 2017, the Cleveland Browns became the second team to pick up the unwanted record.
The Browns team in 2017 was expected to do quite well. They had three first-round picks earlier that year in the NFL Draft, including the number one overall selection, Myles Garrett. However, it ended up being a disaster of a season for Cleveland.
Cleveland’s 2017 campaign was largely down to not having a competent quarterback. They showed why teams invest so much money into that position, as without an elite QB, you don’t win many games in the NFL.
Positive: Likely to Receive Number One Pick in 2023
Although it will feel like doom and gloom for everybody at the organization, the one positive about being so poor this year is that Houston looks very likely to get the number one pick at the 2023 NFL Draft.
Next year’s class of quarterbacks is highly regarded, so it could be their chance to land a franchise QB, just like the Kansas City Chiefs have with Patrick Mahomes and Buffalo Bills with Josh Allen.
Some fans expect the Texans to ‘tank’ from here until the end of the season. That suggests they will be happy to just keep getting beat to ensure they have the worst record. However, it’s hard to see the group of players doing that, as they are playing for contracts for next season.
Houston will know things can change quickly in the NFL. If they can add some quality in the 2023 NFL Draft and during free agency, there may be much more to celebrate next year.
New signage erected by Suffolk Canal & River Trust
“If I could walk with the animals and talk with the animals Grunt, squeak, and squawk with the animals, and lord, they could talk to me!”
…so go the lyrics of ‘Talk to the animals’ by crooning rat-packer Sammy Davis Jnr. But now, thanks to the help of ‘Dog Whisperer’, Johnny Morris OBE, the dead Welsh television presenter best known for talking to animals on BBC kids’ show, Animal Magic, we can!
Suffolk Canal and River Trust campaign
Morris, who, as reported in the Suffolk Gazette earlier this month, came back from the dead to help police unstick Larry the Cat from the road outside No.10 Downing Street, has returned from the nether world once more. This time, to help the Suffolk Canal and River Trust dissuade dogs from fouling on their footpaths.
Spiderman, Spiderman…
Avuncular corpse, Morris, 106, speaks several animal languages including: bird, terrapin, orangutan, and most recently, dog. He developed his skills in the 1950s and 60s when his wife and he stopped engaging in interesting conversation with one another. After befriending a talkative spider who lived beneath the Morris’s kitchen sink, the bored TV presenter set up a lonely hearts club for multi-lingual animals and humans called ‘The Tail & Chin Waggers’ whose members included a number of high profile animals including: Blue Peter’s ‘Shep’, Rainbow’s ‘Bungle’, and Keith Harris’s alter-ego ‘Orville’. Human members stalled at Morris and a young Jeremy Paxman – being the only two known Britons who can talk to members of the animal kingdom in their own tongue.
Erect signage
After seeing the new signage erected alongside the River Blyth in East Suffolk, we conducted a séance at the offices of the Suffolk Gazette to ask Morris what the words ‘grrrrr’, ‘bark’, and ‘woof’ meant in dog. Using the Ouija board that we had hastily fashioned out of the office Monopoly game and a cut-up Toblerone box, we made contact with the undead miniature railway enthusiast who told us “G R R R R R = S T O P. B A R K = T A L K I N G. W O O F = S H I T.” We asked Morris if the message would be understood by dogs. His reply was “N O T D O G S. P A X M A N.”
Sporting goods supplier, Sports Direct has been banned from selling their oversized promotional mugs.in the Suffolk area after a recent spate of spillages caused severe flooding across the county.
The 6 litre mugs, favoured by football coaches, car mechanics, and white van men,.have been deemed a hazard by Suffolk Environmental Health after a number of clumsy tea-drinkers spilled, or knocked-over their cuppas causing floods in local areas and communities.
Chilli sauce with that, mate?
It is reported that Sunny Smiles Nursery in Great Livermere, W.Suffolk was devastated by a tsunami of Yorkshire tea.which sent teachers, toddlers, tables, and chairs careering through Pryce Street, after a careless builder tried unsuccessfully to balance his Sports Direct mug on top of a step ladder. The builder was later said to be devastated by the consequences of his slip-up. Fortunately, no-one was seriously hurt although many of the toddlers are said to have ended-up with tea leaves in their ears.
Another tea-flood incident resulted in a number of vehicles floating down The Studio Chapel Lane.in the hamlet of Forward Green, Stowmarket. According to a source, the mechanic from the Autoglean Car Valeting company.dropped his cuppa after the greasy kebab he was eating caused the heavy, bucket-like mug to slip out of his fingers. The resulting flood caused £12,000 in damage to vehicles and nearby buildings.
Barry Craddock, the Environmental Health Inspector behind the ban explained “Not only are the Sports Direct mugs, tacky, of poor quality, and impossible to fit into the crockery cupboard, they are also extremely dangerous if not handled correctly. We have been left with no alternative but to suspend their use for the purposes of serving hot beverages across the country – until further notice.”
Chocolate Cup Cake
On a brighter note, Mr Craddock confirmed that the ban does not prevent local coarse fishermen (or women if there are any), using the mugs to take a dump in when caught short on the riverbank.
In 2018, the global revenue in the gaming industry grew by 10.9% to reach $135 billion, and in 2021, the revenue for this industry increased to $180.1 billion. This is just the beginning as analysts believe the industry will reach as much as $300 billion by 2025. The growth is mainly coming from mobile games. With an audience of 2.5 billion “regularly active” players, they lead the industry.
Special emphasis is placed on occasional play: “casual” and “hyper-casual” games, which are lite games that you play while waiting for the bus. With the mechanism of “in-game” purchases (the games are virtually free, but while you play you can buy extras for small amounts that make the game more fun), casual gaming is the growth pole par excellence. 99 cents for a handful of “coins”, multiplied by about 2.5 billion players and the bill is rapidly increasing. Not surprisingly, the strongest growth has come from Asia, especially Bahrain, where online Bahrain casino كازينو البحرين and e-sports are very ‘hot’. Very popular are the (role) games in which many players can participate at the same time (massive multiplayer).
Despite the large number of gaming companies available on the scene, this industry is led by six main companies, namely:
Microsoft
The American Microsoft develops both games and large game systems and is a major competitor of Sony, which actually does the same. At the moment, the 2020 release, among other things, contributes significantly to the income, namely game console Xbox Series X/S. It is also acquiring many game companies, including Bungie (Halo), Mojang (Minecraft) and most recently Activision-Blizzard (World of Warcraft).
Microsoft software is ubiquitous. The Windows operating system still controls the PC market, while SQL Server is one of the major database platforms. In addition, Office 365 & Microsoft Dynamics are among the most popular software applications for businesses. Finally, Azure ensures that Microsoft is one of the most important cloud players. But something few investors know is that 38% of revenue comes from the gaming division.
Microsoft divides its activities into 3 segments, which is not a superfluous luxury to keep an overview. ‘Personal Computing’ includes the well-known Windows operating system for PCs and the hardware of our own making, such as the Xbox console for (online) gaming and the Surface tablets. This department still accounts for about 40% of revenue, with Windows accounting for the lion’s share.
Microsoft’s market capitalization is$929 billion, the largest stock in the world. The estimated P/E ratio for 2019 is 27.29x. KBC Asset Management has a “Buy” recommendation with a price target of $125.
Some of the best games that the company released are:
· Sea of Thieves
· Minecraft
· Age of Empires
· Forza
Sony
Sony from Japan does much more than games. Walking in 7 slots at the same time is not good, but Sony doesn’t seem to be bothered by that. It is a household name in the technology world, but certainly also in that of games. Sony develops its own games and its own consoles, of which PlayStation 5 from 2020, in particular, is a high flyer. It’s a shame there are so many delivery issues, otherwise, Sony could have been much more successful. After all, people not only invest in a console but then also buy games for it.
Nintendo
When you say Microsoft and Sony, we also must mention Nintendo. The third and last major pillar when it comes to making game consoles, although Valve is now also lurking with its Steam Deck to become known for hardware. Nintendo needs no introduction: The Japanese puzzle company was founded in 1889, but shifted to video games in the late 20th century. A smart move: the most beloved and recognizable game characters in the world belong to Nintendo: the characters from Mario, Zelda and Pokémon. In addition, it makes its own game consoles, of which the handheld console hybrid Switch is also a huge hit.
Activision Blizzard
Despite Activision Blizzard being recently acquired by Microsoft but right now it is still a gaming powerhouse in its own right. The company was founded in 2008 by the merger of – unsurprisingly – Activision and Blizzard Entertainment. The American company has since created and developed many of the largest franchises and a number of competitive, online games: World of Warcraft, Overwatch, Call of Duty, Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater, Crash Bandicoot games and more.
Tencent
Founded in Shenzhen, China, Tencent has grown into one of the largest game companies in the world. Its revenue from games was 13 billion euros in 2021. It is best known for mobile games, such as PUBG: Mobile and Honor of Kings.
Tencent is a bit of an odd one out. While most publishers launch games for PC and/or consoles and offer mobile versions, Tencent mainly derives its income from online gaming and (online) advertising. That makes Tencent the largest online gaming company in the world.
Tencent has a significant advantage over other online gaming companies as it enjoys network effects through WeChat’s very sizable customer base. Tencent thus created a digital ecosystem that aims to meet a wide range of online lifestyle needs of its users. The company plays it smart: it also has shares in many other major game companies around the world. From their ownership of League of Legends developer Riot Games to their 40% stake in Epic Games and 5% stake in Activision Blizzard and Ubisoft, Tencent “messes” with many of the game companies featured in this article that way.
Electronic Arts
Electronic Arts (better known as EA) was founded in 1982 by Apple employee Trip Hawkins. The company pioneered software game development and has managed to stay relevant to this day. Thanks in part to long-running franchises such as Battlefield, Need for Speed, The Sims, Dragon Age, Star Wars, FIFA, Madden NFL and NBA Live. EA is especially good in sports games, which are innovated every year and played by countless sports fans (and sports pros). EA is also at the helm of major game studios such as DICE, BioWare and Respawn Entertainment.
It has a market capitalization of $29.3 billion. Americans invest heavily in interactive games and Electronic Arts has a separate department for this: The Competitive Gaming Division. The digital component accounts for 65% of revenue. That includes games offered through Sony’s Playstation Network, Microsoft’s Xbox Store, Apple’s App Store, and Google’s Play store. The estimated P/E ratio for 2019 is 25.08.
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An inflatable trophy collapsed at Fifa Word cup 2022 stadium
Doha regrets hosting the Fifa world cup after an embarrassing incident at the stadium when an inflatable trophy collapsed.
Sports Correspondent “Jimmy Hill” Doha
As I sit here in Doha waiting to find out when and where the 2022 Fifa World Cup will start. I can’t help but think back to the great tournaments of the past… 1966, England, the incredible rerun of WWII in which England came out 4-2 victors after extra time – with a little help from a Russian linesman. 1978, Argentina. The blazing heat. The Cruyff no-show. The ticker-tape final in which Mario Kempes’ double strike claimed the $20 million, 18-karat gold FIFA World Cup Trophy. 1998, France. Zinedine Zidane’s masterclass in heading steers the hosts to their first WC Trophy win over a Brazil team in disarray. All incredible, iconic moments in world football. And what did they all have in common? People watched it. In their millions.
Just popping down the Red Lion, love.
Yes. People used to actually watch the Fifa World Cup. It was considered exciting, important even. Men would gather in pubs with big flatscreen TV’s, and leave the remaining members of their families to gather around transistor radios in dingy, poorly furnished living rooms to listen to cracking commentaries from me, John Motson, and Barry Davies.
Children would buy or steal packets of Panini stickers from their local newsagents with which they would quarter-fill their albums. Boy racers would attach flags to their Ford Cortinas as they sped between pubs honking at other fans or teenage girls hanging around shoe shops on the High Street.
Fifa World Cup Fever
Café owners of all nationalities (especially the Greeks and Portuguese) would drape their interiors with their national flags and posters of their star players as they huddled around badly tuned, wall-mounted TVs cheering, yelping, and yelling at every kick of the ball (or foul, if they were Argentinian.)
And boys (this was before girls played football) would take to parks and street corners to emulate their favourite players and re-enact wondrous goals from the day’s play. Even invent winning goals for upcoming games in which they dreamed they’d play.
They think it’s all over… it is now.
I’ve been sitting here for three days, waiting for something to happen. Apparently, the tournament began on Sunday with a game between the hosts and Ecuador. I have no idea what happened. Nor, it seems does anyone else. All I know is that lots of people aren’t allowed to wear rainbow armbands and that something is going on in the stadiums while everyone is at work
