Matt Hancock’s once again in action at I’m a Celebrity
Matt Hancock, who was evicted from I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here! in third place. He has told the Suffolk Gazette that the thing he was most looking forward to upon his release was to get his hands back on his girlfriend’s fit ass. And who can blame him?
Pay thousands, get a monkey
The former health secretary was voted out of the competition by millions of Labour and Conservative Party supporters after they tired of seeing him make a monkey of himself in the fake Australian jungle.
Matt Hancock once again
Matt Hancock controversially agreed to appear on the low-brow TV show, not because he was paid £400,000 to do so, but because he ‘wanted to show that politicians are just human beings too.’ This he achieved – successfully demonstrating that politicians are indeed humans, albeit, greedy, deceitful, self-important, attention-seeking, unprincipled versions of human beings.
In a gross lie, typical of all human politicians, Matt the pratt announced to millions of prospective voters “I love (Ed Sheeran). I’m from Suffolk as well.”, despite the fact that he was born 200 miles away in Chester, Cheshire.
Out of the jungle into the frying pan
After being booted off the moronic light entertainment show,.and having finally felt-up his fit girlfriend Gina Coladangelo’s buns live on the telly, the Right Honourable Wally, Matthew John David Hancock returned home to face the wrath of angry voters. For while the disgraced replica human has been away,.lolling around in the Australian outback being paid through the nose to eat camel’s penis, sheep’s vagina, and cow’s anus, his penniless fellow West Suffolk constituents having been stuck at home, giving birth in hospital corridors, eating dropped Chinese takeaway’s from gutters outside pubs, heating their homes by burning their grannies’ clothes, and fueling their cars with nail varnish remover.
I’m a celebrity, let me back in
It is rumoured that Coladangelo & Matt Hancock are planning a future together as UK TV’s answer to Lucille Ball & Desi Arnaz. Based on the reception the two are likely to receive back in Suffolk, they mightn’t have any alternative.
Seagulls based in Lowestoft, Suffolk formed a guard of honour yesterday for one of their own ‘Seagull 73‘.
In scenes that would look more at home at a Royal Wedding, a solemn parade of fellow gulls, stood in honour atop the solid sea-wall railings in a show of strength and respect for ‘Seagull 73’.
Seagull 73, Lowestoft Squadron
They are the most notorious gull in the area… a legend among the local seaside birdlife. ‘73’ as he is known to his gullfriends and local bird watchers, is believed to be twenty years old – aged by gull standards – but is still the toughest, wisest bird in the skies over The Wash.
Legendary Seagull 73
The legend began when ‘73’ was just a chick. The story goes that his mother gull who was flightless due to an injury to her wing was cornered by an Alsatian dog on a beach near Ness Point. ‘73’, deliberately tumbled out of his cliff-top nest, landed on the ferocious dog’s head, and pecked out both his eyes, saving his mother in the process.
Over the years, ‘73’ has fought off many other dogs, rats, and small children with catapults. He has been hit by cars three times, and run over by the seafront mini-train and still lived to squark the tale.
Mildred admitted to hospital
But it is ‘73’s heroics as a master scavenger that has earned him his position of king of seagulls. According to local twitcher, Bryan Turnipseed, ‘73’ has pulled off some near-miraculous food-theft manoeuvres over the years. “I recall the time, snort, I have to laugh! It was 1992.
I know that because Mildred had gone into hospital that summer for her hip replacement. She couldn’t come to the beach so I would come down on my own… regularly. Anyhow, I had my binos out and I saw him descending out of the sun, apace. It was a sight to behold. He was like a Stuka dive bomber (excuse my German), glorious! I followed him through the binos. The tension was mounting and I was pressing them so hard into my eye sockets it started to bleed, but I didn’t care. I knew something special was about to happen.”
Turnipseed wiped his brow with a Puffin-embroidered handkerchief as he recalled ‘73’s greatest moment. “And boy was I right. I quickly removed my eyes from the bino’s blood-soaked adjustable eye cups to see where he was headed.
I searched around quickly and, predicting his trajectory, my eyes settled on a big fat woman on the promenade. She was like one of those women from a smutty seaside postcard. Her bits were wobbling everywhere as she sauntered along in her flip-flops carrying two 99’s – one in each hand.
She was wearing a straw sun hat and a red polka-dot bikini that was busting at the seams. I couldn’t even see the bottoms as they were wedged so far up her arse. Anyway, I wouldn’t believe what happened next if I hadn’t seen it with my own bleeding eyes…”
Please, just get to the f*cking point…
“Ok, so ‘73’ is almost upon her as I quickly returned the binos to my eyes…”
Seagull 73 squard
The point!
“Yes. So I quickly find ‘73’ in my sights and what he does astounds me. He is inches away from the woman’s rear when he spreads his impressive wings wide and rigid, slowing him down to a virtual stop. He lands deftly on her shoulders and then leans right back like a flipping Romanian gymnast and undoes her bikini top by pulling on the cord with one swipe of his bill. This, of course, makes the bikini top drop to the floor, revealing the fat lass’s massive boobs. She screams out and reaches to cover them, dropping the two ice creams in the process. Insane. I think the ice creams are about to hit the floor when ‘73’ swoops up from in-between her legs, grabs one in each talon, and hits the afterburners, accelerating upwards in a near-vertical ascent. My god, it was just beautiful!”
‘Seagull 73’ can still be seen regularly showing the young gulls how it’s done at Lowestoft and the surrounding areas. We salute you Seagull 73… eyes right!
Officers were called to the Futura Park branch of Waitrose yesterday after gangs of hungry customers fought over limited quantities of packets of crisps.
The Waitrose lunchtime meal deal retails for around six quid, and includes a gourmet sandwich.or wrap, posh drink, and usually a family-size bag of of Tyrells’s potato, veg, or lentil crisps.
However, due to war, famine, Brexit, postal strikes, rail strikes, inclement weather,. the endangered status of the Javan Rhinocerous, institutional racism in the fire service, and England being knocked out of the World Cup (it’s only a matter of time), Tyrell’s crisps have been in short supply, and yesterday were replaced on the shelves with the lower prestige Walker’s brand.
The Walker’s brand, favoured by working-class people, was apparently not deemed an acceptable replacement by the bougie clientele of Waitrose, despite the fact that they were in Ipswich, which they seemed to have forgotten.
Blame it on the Bougie
The trouble started when one particularly stressed-out head teacher of a local primary school,.took her meal deal to the checkout. With Tyrell’s unavailable, she had reportedly taken a bag of Brindisa Torres Spanish Black Truffle Nibbles (£4) as a replacement.
It was when the store assistant pointed out that the Brindisa branded crisps were not part of the meal deal that the shit hit the fan. Throwing the crisps over her shoulder in frustration,.she inadvertently hit another customer – a 6’4” professional wrestler by the name of ‘The Dumptruck’ – on the side of his masked face.
What followed was a classic Laurel and Hardy-style series of misunderstandings and false accusations.replete with violent retaliations ranging from mixed berry trifles (£3.65) being tipped into trousers, baguettes (£1.15) being used as baseball bats, and a seafood platter (£17) peppering a young man’s Jackson 5 style afro.
Here we go again
A spokesman for Waitrose told this reporter “Yes, it’s true. There was an incident in the store yesterday. A number of minor altercations occurred which appeared to be connected to the temporary change in our crisp offerings. We would like to apologize to our customers.for the problems caused which were largely outside of our control, and thank Suffolk Police for its quick response and handling of the situation.
I can confirm that Tyrell’s crisps will be available in store tomorrow.and we will be offering an additional free bag to everyone purchasing a lunchtime meal deal. However, due to the recent announcement of the reformation of The Pussycat Dolls, we must warn customers that our entire range of sandwiches, wraps, and posh drinks will not be available to form part of the deal.”
When it comes to a game of Bingo, whether that be online or down your local Bingo Hall, the number calls are more than often announced alongside a phrase. These phrases differ around the world, allowing countries to create Bingo calls that represent unique things from their country.
With this in mind, we wanted to look at Bingo calls for numbers 21 – 40 in the UK, so the next time you log on to play online Bingo or head down to your local Bingo Hall, you’ll know the number being called by the phrase, before the number itself is called.
Join us in calling numbers 21 – 40.
Royal Salute
There are 21 guns fired in a Royal or military salute.
Two little ducks
The number two resembles the shape of a small duck; the number 22 looks like two ducks swimming together.
The Lord is my shepherd
A biblical reference to the first phrase found in Psalm 23 in the Old Testament.
Two dozen
12 is known as dozen. 12 plus 12 is 24, also known as two dozen.
Duck and dive
A Bingo call that plays on the resemblance of the two numbers in 25. The two resembles a duck, whereas the five resembles a snake. Not only this, the call rhymes with the number.
Half a crown
The UK used to have a currency that included crowns, shillings and sixpences. Half a crown was made up of two shillings and half a sixpence – two and six.
Gateway to heaven
Rhymes with 27.
In a state
Pays homage to the cockney rhyming slang used within the UK – “he was in a right two and eight”.
Rise and shine
Rhymes with 29.
Dirty Gertie
Refers to a song sung by soldiers during World War II. Also, a phrase that refers to a bronze sculpture of a naked lady, which was installed in North London in 1927.
Get up and run
Rhymes with 31.
Buckle my shoe
Rhymes with 32, but also pays homage to a well-known nursery rhyme told in the UK.
Fish, chips and peas
A rhyme that pays homage to a traditional dish served up and down the UK – a fish supper from the local chippy!
Ask for more
Rhymes with 34.
Jump and jive
Rhymes with 35.
Three dozen
Three lots of 12 is 36. 12 is also known as a dozen. 36 is three dozen.
More than eleven
Many numbers are more than eleven in a game of Bingo, but this phrase also rhymes with 37.
Christmas cake
Pays homage to a cockney rhyming slang term.
39 steps
Pays homage to an iconic British filmmaker – Alfred Hitchcock – with his movie called 39 Steps.
Life begins
Refers to the saying ‘Life begins at 40’.
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With these Bingo calls in mind, will you be trying your chances at the iconic game anytime soon?
Kids in the park, jumpers for goalposts. Endearing images aren’t they? We’re all a little football mad right now and the developments in Qatar have meant that the population of England is now utterly convinced that the Three Lions will be returning with the World Cup. Until the team lose against the USA, of course.
The World Cup betting markets have gone into overdrive with everyone and their dog backing the boys to go onto glory. So, with refrains of ‘it’s coming home’ in the air, we thought we would look at the actual chances of England winning the World Cup in Qatar – and what it would mean to the country.
56 Years of Hurt
When David Baddiel and Frank Skinner, came up with their easy-to-sing-a-long-to Three Lions ditty in 1996 they couldn’t have dreamt that the fans would still be chanting the, now outdated, lyrics 26 years later. But the royalties boost every time a tournament comes around has probably softened that blow somewhat.
It is now 56 years of inescapable hurt since England won the World Cup in their own stadium and with the help of a friendly linesman. The merest sniff of a victory in the group stage and the fans get misty-eyed – and, for once, it’s not because of all the teargas in the air after a scrap outside an Irish bar on the continent.
Three Lions on Your Chest
Baddiel and Skinner are always happy when the World Cup is on. But there is another area of industry that rejoices when England qualify for a major tournament. Tattoo artists from Barrow to Barnstaple have been coining it in thanks to the sudden desire of half the population to get ‘inked’.
The famous Three Lions badge is a particular favourite. But just wait until England score the winner in the final in under a month’s time. A quick tutorial on how to tattoo Harry Maguire’s face will be the most viewed video on YouTube and the shirtless majority will be scaring everyone with their new body art in the new year.
Kane Injury Halts Nation
There has been some sombre news out of Qatar this week though. After England dismantled Iran’s defensive unit like an Ikea wardrobe in the first game of the group, all seemed well with Gareth and the boys. But the news thatHarry Kane needed a scan stopped everyone in their tracks.
We are still not entirely sure what the problem was but we have been assured by medical experts that it was not to see whether the England captain was pregnant or not. I guess we will have to wait for that kind of good news. Apparently Harry can play against the USA as well now too.
Figure 2 The fans have continued to follow their well-balanced diets
Politicians Inserting Politics Into Football
There is not much more unedifying than the sight of a politician pretending he or she enjoys ‘footy’ while a major tournament is in process. It is always completely obvious that these statements are simply a way to convince the hard of thinking that the politician in question is a man or woman of the people.
Bringing politics into football seems even stranger with this World Cup, as FIFA itself has decided that the best way that it can stop criticism of the host country and keep politics out of the game is to massively go on about the political issues and make itself look even further out of touch. That’s quite an achievement in itself.
How Many Bank Holidays?
We are barely into the first week of the World Cup and the burning question on most England fans’ minds is just how many bank holidays will we get if Gareth Southgate comes home with the trophy on a specially chartered British Airways flight out of Doha?
The way commemorations and celebrations are going, the public could be in for an unprecedented time off work. That will surely be welcomed by almost everyone. But just think of poor Baddiel and Skinner, who will be frantically writing a no more years of hurt song about England actually winning a trophy.
Knowing the gaming site, you want to join for casino pokies and games helps you select the best platform to sign up for. A minimum deposit casino is suitable for beginners and experienced Aussie players.
Their limits are affordable and have promotions for new users. However, the gaming experience and success will depend on your choice. Here, in this article, together with John Gold from BetPokies, we will look at minimum deposit casinos in Australia, their advantages, and tips for choosing the best to join. Let us get started.
A Look into Low Deposit Casinos
Playing for real money at online casinos will require you to have funds in your accounts. In addition, it is necessary to get a payout on your winnings. A minimum deposit casino in Australia will require users to make a deposit to play on their site.
The most common types ask for A$1, A$5, or A$10 to access games. Casinos with low deposit limits make it affordable for players to play their favorite games while trying their luck on pokies and games. The risks are minimal since you will not be investing much money.
The types of casinos are ideal for beginners in casino gaming for recreation or to make money. You will not have to worry about financial losses as you learn to play games or try out new casinos. Service providers set the minimum deposit low for several reasons. It includes promoting their brand, retaining clients, and making profits. Still, gaming companies must follow acode of conduct when joining the Australian market.
What are the Advantages?
You are probably wondering if joining a minimum deposit casino is beneficial. Let us look at the advantages;
Aussie players can learn various games to understand the concept and determine their favorite without spending much money. Here, in this article, together with John Gold from BetPokies.
You are eligible for bonuses and other promotional prizes regardless of the amount you pay as a deposit. It includes cash back and free spins to use in any game.
You can play for cash prizes with a small investment and try the jackpot for a big payout. Ensure you stake low to play for many rounds.
They offer flexibility as you can switch from one platform as you like. If it was a huge deposit, you must commit to a site to preserve your investment even if you do not enjoy the experience.
On the other hand, the disadvantage of a minimum deposit casino is that you may miss out on premium bonuses by depositing the minimum amount.
Factors to Consider in Minimal Deposit Casinos
Here are the factors to consider;
License
It is the most important thing you should look for when choosing a minimal deposit casino in Australia. A permit shows that the service provider complies with industry standards and that their games are fair. You can trust a gambling platform licensed in Australia or with an international regulating authority.
The site will safeguard your personal information and not offer it to a third party. Online casinos will display their licensing number on their website. You can check their legitimacy using the regulator’s online database. Still, you can get the information in other places on the website. If a casino does not have a license, it should be a deal breaker.
Games
The types of pokies and games in a casino will determine the experience. It is beneficial to join a platform with a wide game selection and variations. Ensure a minimum deposit casino has your favorite games before settling on it.
Check the table games and pokies you can access beforehand. Also, consider a game’s RTP, as it enhances your winning probability. A minimum deposit site allows choosing a platform that may have higher returns.
Security
Online gambling requires financial transactions. It is vital to pick a secure site to avoid losing money or sensitive information like bank account details to cyber criminals.
Data encryption features like SSL certificate is essential for gaming sites’ security. In addition, users need to keep their login credentials private and log out of their accounts on devices.
Payment Options
It is a critical factor to consider as it determines the convenience of transacting. The best minimum deposit casino should provide several options to customers.
E-wallets are an emerging trend in the market because of their safety and anonymity. Ensure the platform you pick has the most convenient payment method.
Support
You want to join a casino that supports you whenever you need it. 24/7 customer service is essential if you want help when facing problems with the site or cannot access your account. It makes the experience better.
Conclusion
Online casinos in the Australian market differ, and you can easily encounter fraudsters on the internet looking to scam you. It would help to evaluate platforms before registering to determine the best option.
A huge thanks to the BetPokies.com team, who gave us all their support in writing this article. If you have a gambling addiction, you can call the toll-free number Gambling Helpline: 1800 858 858.
Hit 2000’s all-girl pop band, The Pussycat Dolls have reformed for a new 2023 album and tour – with none of the original members involved in the project.
Gone is super-hot ex-lead singer and prick tease, Nicole Scherzinger, and also missing are other original members, Carmit, Ashley, Kimberly, Jessica, and Melody.
With a remixed and re-vocalled version of the band’s smash hit ‘Don’t Cha’, lead singer, Camilla, Queen of the United Kingdom, and her band of companions, Jane von Westenholz, Lady Sarah Keswick, Fiona, Marchioness of Lansdowne, Lady Katherine Brooke, Sarah Troughton, and Carlyn Chisholm, are set to return to the top of the pop charts.
The new recording ‘Don’t cha wish your companions were rich like mine?’ has been produced and mixed by none other than Suffolk’s own dope, immigrant folk-pop sensation, Ed Sheeran.
Camilla Parker Dolls
The new Pussycat Dolls 2023, A steamy video clip to accompany the track will be filmed later this week on the grounds of the Royal palace, Balmoral, while slutty pop tart, Camilla’s celebrity boyfriend, King Charles III, who is traveling with the band, rehearses his own debut Christmas release, ‘The King’s Christmas Message’.
Other tracks on the new album ‘Toff Domination’, include: ‘Bad Head Girl’, ‘Posh as Shit’, ‘Frumpy Girls’, ‘Jai Ho! (Throne Was My Destiny)’, and ‘I Don’t Need a King’.
The Pussycat Dolls2023
‘Sniff My Royal Pussycat’ Tour dates are:-
03.02.23 Annabel’s, Mayfair
04.02.23 All England Polo Club, Hassocks
05.02.23 Westiminster Abbey, Westminster
06.02.23 The Royal Horticultural Society, Chelsea
08.02.23 The All England Lawn Tennis Club, Wimbledon
A rare Party Rings biscuit with no hole Aka Holy grail of biscuits found in Suffolk. Costs only a Fiver and listed on marketplace.
Fine art, rare coins, thoroughbred horses, jewellery, and stamps. Collectables are big business. Finding that one sought-after item can be a lifetime’s quest.
Just ask Doreen Hamflett, of Great Cornard in Sudbury, Suffolk. Doreen has been collecting biscuits for 86 years! Her collection includes some of the rarest biscuits ever produced, but until last Wednesday afternoon, one biscuit, the holy grail of baked goods, had eluded her. But now her search is over.
Holy grail of biscuits
Mrs Hamflett, 97, a retired coal scuttle polisher, started hoarding collectible cookies and Holy grail of biscuits on her birthday in October 1887 when her father, Mr Hamflett – who worked for legendary biscuit magnate, Seamus Kipling – brought home a single Vienesse Whirl from the first batch ever produced at the Kipling bakery in London. This was in the days before European Union law prevented biscuit makers from baking city-specific biscuits anywhere in the world.
Hairy biscuit
And so it was that little Doreen received one of the first, ever, London-baked Vienesse Whirls as a birthday gift. That individual biscuit, which Doreen keeps in one of her father’s old tobacco tins, has been valued at £150,000 by Sotheby’s auctioneers. It would have been worth closer to £500,000 had Doreen removed the remaining tobacco from the tin first.
Soft biscuit underbelly of the Axis
Doreen told the Suffolk Gazette about some of the other rare items in her collection of over 37,000 different biscuits. “Well, after the Vienesse Whirl, the next biscuit I got was a Garibaldi. But what is special about it is that it is shaped like an Italian WWII Ansaldo L6/40 tank. It was widely produced and distributed by the Italian army during the 1940’s but, like the tanks themselves, they didn’t really get used much, so they’re not actually that hard to get hold of.”
Go on…
“Other special ones are my half-eaten packet of McVitie’s Abbey Crunch which used to belong to the Abbot of Dorchester Abbey in Oxfordshire. I think he was taken away for kiddie-fiddling during a tea break so they never got finished. I’m lucky to have them. And then there’s the ‘Kevin Keegan’ Jaffa Cake from the 1982 World Cup Finals Second Phase Group B match three, England V Spain. Keegan came on in the 64th minute in place of Tony Woodcock. If you watch the video of the match you can see Keegan is still digesting the Jaffa as he is substituted on. I’ve got the remnants of the actual cake with his big bite taken out of it. And a Jaffa Cake is a biscuit. Anyone who says it’s not is talking bollocks.”
I’d buy them
And what about the party ring with no hole (Holy grail of biscuits), Doreen? “Oh, that? That’s nothin’ They come up all the time. It’s worth about a fiver. I’ve got one in every colour that makes up a whole pack.” But we thought it was the holy grail of biscuits, virtually impossible to find? “No, you’re talking about the apocryphal chocolate-covered Caxton Pink ‘n’ Whites Mallow Wafers. Officially they’ve never been produced, but rumour has it there’s one six-pack in existence. Most collectors don’t believe the legend, but others ask ‘why wouldn’t they make them?’”
