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Pathetic hero ‘Super Sleeper’ nods off in pub urinal

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Pathetic hero ‘Super Sleeper’ nods off in pub urinal
Student nods off in pub urinal

A pathetic superhero dubbed ‘Super Sleeper’ by fans, has been photographed taking a nap in a Suffolk pub urinal.

Dressed in heroic red & blue, colours usually associated with proper crime fighters like Superman,.Spiderman, and Wonder Woman, ‘Super Sleeper’ ended last Saturday night prostrate in the gents’ urine-filled trough.

The caped florist

Unlike, most other genuine superheroes, whose true identities are kept a closely guarded secret,.‘Super Sleeper’ is known to be 26-year-old Kevin Williamson from Woodbridge, Suffolk. Williamson, a student studying for a diploma in Basic Wedding Flowers at Suffolk Rural College in Otley, is known for his obsession with Marvel Heroes and DC Comics.

We spoke to several members of the college campus who know Williamson, one of whom, Betty Farmskill, told us “Yeah, Kev’s a bit of a twerp but a nice lad at heart. He was brought up around agriculture, by Farmer Williamson and his wife, up on the Williamson farm in Nacton. Oi think he got a bit bored with it all: the farm, the fruit and veg, even the flowers etc. and oi thinks he does the superhero thing because of that. Oi think its escapism is all.”

Asleep faster than a speeding bullet

When we asked Betty what was behind Williamson’s choice of the ‘Super Sleeper’ alter ego, she told us “He has narcolepsy. You know, that chronic neurological disorder that affects the brain’s ability to control sleep-wake cycles? He falls asleep anywhere. I once saw him fall asleep on a springboard board at Broomhill swimming pool,.and that was after he had bounced up and down a couple of times.”

The comfort of sleeping in Pub Urinal

This reporter decided he had to talk to the pathetic hero himself to really get to the heart of the story so we arranged, through Betty, to meet in a dark alley in Ipswich at midnight. When I arrived the alley was deserted, apart from a scurrying rat that darted between the bins beside me when it sensed my presence. The siren of a cop car pierced the cold night air, sending a chill down my already frozen spine. Suddenly, out of nowhere, the sound of feet landing on the rubbish-strewn tarmac behind me caused me to turn quickly. There, stood before me, like a young Wayne Sleep, was Williamson, in his impressive blue and red lycra leotard. “Super Sleeper!” I blurted out, awestruck at his gymnastic descent from a low roof overhanging the alley in which we now stood facing one another, watchfully. “Thanks for meeting me,” I said, reaching into my jacket pocket for my notebook. “Much crime out there, tonight?”

“Snore. Zzzzzzzz…” came the hero’s somnambulant reply.

Lost tribe of savages discovered in Suffolk

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Lost tribe of savages discovered in Suffolk
Lost tribe of savages discovered in Suffolk

A lost tribe of savages has been discovered in a remote part of Suffolk, after a light aircraft accidentally strayed over their hidden village.

Amateur pilot Graham Ruddle (77) from Little Blakenham, mid-Suffolk, took his husband, Paul out for a pleasure flight in his Piper PA-28 Cherokee aeroplane to celebrate their 10th wedding anniversary. If that wasn’t surprise enough, what they discovered on their short cruise around the surrounding area was absolutely astonishing!

Mile high club

Graham takes up the story; “Well, we’d only been up for about 15 minutes and, well, don’t tell the CAA but we’d had a couple of flutes of champers to celebrate our anniversary, and well… I had my hand wrapped tight around the joystick, snigger. I was pulling on it this way and that and all of a sudden we went into a sharp, unscheduled dive. More like a plummet really.”

Paul cut in “Didn’t we just! Snigger. Anyway, I grabbed Gray’s joystick and gave it a good, hard yank and some extra thrust until we levelled off a bit. I remember I was just wiping some froth off of my moustache when out of the window, I noticed, in a clearing in the woods, some people waving their arms up at us. I told Gray to circle around again.”

Graham: “So I did. As I began the roll, a fusillade of arrows came whooshing up past the windows. The thud, thud, thud coming from the undercarriage told us that we’d been hit, multiple times. The ‘arrow hit’ alert button started to flash red and the plane lost power.”

Paul: “I screamed at Gray… ‘Aaaaaah, Gray! We’re going to DIE! Gray! Gray! Do Something!’ So Gray handed me the champagne bottle and I took a massive swig. The yaw and roll of the plane made it spew out of my mouth and all over my face, but I’m used to that. Snigger.”

So what happened next?

Graham: “I eventually got control of the plane and we decided to circle around again to see what the hell was going on. As we approached the clearing, we could see some straw-covered mud huts with smoke billowing out, probably from the primitive clay ovens inside. There were a few goats and wild boar roaming around…”

Paul: “And some canoes, and a large fire in the centre of the clearing. All around were these primitive savages jumping up and down, pointing at us, and waving spears. It was like something out of Last of the Mohicans.”

Graham: “More arrows flew up at us, and we thought ‘f*ck this, let’s get out of here’, so I did a rather impressive outside loop, accelerated at speed and headed for home.”

Paul: “And what happened when we got home, Gray? Go on… tell him!”

Graham: “What, you mean?…”

Paul: “No, not that! That was later! Snigger. With Google Earth.”

Graham: “Oh, of course. So as soon as we’d gathered ourselves, we looked on Google Earth to see if we could figure out WTF was going on. I’d downloaded the telemetry from the plane’s black box so we could trace the precise location of the primitive village (tribe of savages).”

And where Tribe of savages was?

Graham: (Wait for it…) “Ipswich.”

Patients left like ‘builder tools’ in ambulances overnight

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Patients left like 'builder tools’ in ambulances overnight

Hospitals were last night dubbed ‘like the homes of white van men’. by Labour MP and shadow Attorney General, Emily Thornberry,.as she alleged that patients were being left like ‘builder tools’ in ambulances overnight.

Class snob and property multi-millionaire, Thornberry (67), is an expert on white vans ever.since she started photographing them in Rochester, Kent during a 2014 by-election campaign. Her collection of white van photography is said to comprise over 6,000 images of white Ford Transits,.Vauxhall Combos, Mercedes-Benz Sprinters, and similar taken in mainly working-class areas across the UK.

Sliced cucumber

To meet their pledge to treat all patients within four hours of admission,.the government is said to be allowing hospitals to keep seriously ill patients in ambulances outside accident and emergency departments. Known as ‘patient stacking’, the practice can include patients who have swallowed balloons,.set their own hair on fire, or lost multiple limbs whilst slicing cucumber. Despite the four-hour pledge, a Suffolk Gazette investigation has revealed that waits can last for more than 1,000 hours.

Bougie Nugee

Socialist impersonator and private school mum, Thornberry, aka Lady Nugee (married to Lord Nugee as she is) last night announced from her passing gold carriage, that “Whereas hospitals used to be for poor folk like you lot, they are now being sold off by those horrid Tories to rich, entitled, elites like… me. This simply will not do. Ambulances, which I’m told are like cheaper versions of my golden carriage but with some medical stuff in them, are being used like the vans of white men, to store tools overnight. I mean patients.”

Patients to stay in ambulances overnight

Thornberry continued her announcement through the window of her golden coach, as it sped through a working-class part of Islington, on its way to the opera house, knocking over some hungry street children as it careered on two wheels around Highbury Corner. “As I said, hospitals are now like the homes of white van men, and ambulances are like the vans of the white van man. This is the fault of the Conservatives. I hereby decree that I, Lady Nugee, shall continue to work closely with, and photograph, the white van families of Kent, Suffolk, and other remote parts of the UK, until no patient is ever again left waiting in a white van outside a white van man’s house… or hospital. Coachman! La bohème, tout de suite!”

English ‘Crusaders’ banned from the World Cup

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English ‘Crusaders’ banned from the World Cup
English ‘Crusaders’ banned from the football World Cup stadium

Football fans dressed as ‘Crusaders’ have been banned from England’s World Cup quarter-final showdown with France.

December 10th’s meeting of the two old enemies brought memories of the 1415 Battle of Agincourt flooding back. The battle, which brought victory to Henry V’s English Crusaders Army,.took place 607 years ago, around the same time England last won the world cup.

“Cry  God for Harry, England, and Saint George!’’ goes Henry V’s rallying cry in Shakespeare’s eponymous play of 1598. Which tells the story of the great victory over the French. After removing the reference to Harry (Sorry Meghan), the rest of Henry’s roaring speech still holds true. Especially for fans going to all the time and expense of travelling to Qatar dressed as invading English soldiers.

It’s called fun

The English are, of course, known for causing offence to anyone and everyone,. usually without even knowing they are doing it. It is highly unlikely for example, that the handful of fat, English plumbers, posties,.and other assorted white van men, who have sat at home with their WAGS putting together their ‘fancy soldier’s dress’ out of old bedsheets, corrugated cardboard, and Bacofoil, have any enmity towards the French, the Qataris, or any other race of people. It’s just that supporting your national football team at the World Cup is supposed to be fun.

Take for example the Senagalese, whom England played in the last 16 of the tournament. Their fans impressively played an orchestra of warring Djembe drums from the first minute of the match to the last, led by one gentleman dressed as a tribal warrior who seemingly would be more than capable of tearing off the head of an Englishman before he could say “Come on old boy, this is all just a storm in a teacup!”

Surely, no offence should be taken where none is intended? The World Cup is a football festival of colour, noise and excitement – and fancy dress for all!

How to Uphold Your Finances When Reaching Old Age

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How to Uphold Your Finances When Reaching Old Age
How to Uphold Your Finances When Reaching Old Age

For many of us when we get older, we see a dramatic decrease in the amount of money in our bank accounts. This could be due to the fact we’re no longer in work, or simply due to having more costs that need to be accounted for. Whatever your situation, there are always ways to improve things! In this article, we are going to delve into ways you can uphold your finances as you get older.

Pension

Your pension is something that you are going to rely on a lot when the time comes. This means that you need to put plenty of contributions into it throughout your career, to ensure that it provides you with enough money when you do need it. This could be a work pension or a personal pension – for example, see here for further information. Your pension is likely to be your main source of income, so make sure that you put regular contributions into it over the years. Other forms of investment could also be extremely useful to you when you are no longer working full time. 

Side Hustle

Having endless time on your hands when you retire can sometimes be a little boring. So, you could consider setting yourself up a little side hustle to keep you busy. Whether it’s something simple like selling baked goods to your neighbours or freelance writing in your free time, it’s definitely something that could occupy you as well as bring in a little extra cash. You could also consider part time work doing something you love. It’s great to keep busy and if you can get paid for it too this is an extra bonus!

Sell Old Items You No Longer Need or Use

Look around your home – how much of your ‘stuff’ do you actually want there? Maybe someone else would appreciate these items more than you do. So, selling them is a great idea. It’ll give you something to focus on and you can make some money in the process! You could do this online through platforms like Facebook Marketplace, or you could go to car boot sales. Whichever you prefer. See if any of your family members would like to give you a helping hand too. 

Downsize

Maybe you’ve had kids and they’ve now moved out. You may have more space than you actually need in your home. Downsizing could be a brilliant way to minimize your housework and bills, whilst maximizing your money. You can find yourself a place that is just as nice to live in, only smaller. This will also give you more money to play with! Definitely worth your consideration as you get older. Plus, who wants to manage a huge house when you’re probably not as mobile as you once were? Downsizing is the answer. 

Keeping your finances in check when you get older doesn’t have to be a slog. With some pre-planning and sensible decisions, you can ensure that you and your family are set up for the future. 

Cold war bunker heats-up Suffolk property market

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Cold war bunker heats-up Suffolk property market
Cold War Bunker

A cold war bunker that used to serve as a Royal Observer Corps. monitoring post has been put on the market for £25,000 or ₽1894520 Russian rubles.

The cold war bunker which just looks cold,.was built in the mid-1950s when the threat of a nuclear attack from Russia.was real in the minds of madmen at least.

Nuclear arsenal 3 v 0  Atomic Tottenham

Set in a third of an acre of unsightly wasteland at a secret location, somewhere near Ipswich. The bijou ‘des res’ is proving popular among young, upwardly-mobile professional house-hunters.who want to live in a property ‘with character’ close to transport links,.although not necessarily the mobile Topol-M missile launcher which is parked-up in nearby bushes.

The hidden Cold War Bunker

The terrifying, prison-like ‘home’ (vault) is buried 90 feet underground and is accessible only via a vertical steel ladder (cold) within a narrow, unlit shaft. Other features include a single bed with an itchy, grey woolen blanket. A wobbly metal desk (cold) from which you can telegraph to your comrades.that the first nuclear strike is on its way. And a cupboard in which to keep maps, body bags, gas masks, tea bags, tins of beans, and some porno mags from the 1980s. You could be there for a very long time.

Nuclear plant

Also included in the sale price is a garden of Stinging Nettles which,.if you actually try to use would render your calves and feet utterly useless. Although such injuries would be as nothing compared to the 100% burns, ney,.the entire removal of the outer skin and most of the muscle tissue.which would have resulted had an actual nuclear war taken place there.

Please contact Kremlin Estates for more information.

Rare Turkey to hit supermarket shelves this Christmas

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Rare Turkey to hit supermarket shelves this Christmas
Rare Turkey to hit supermarket shelves this Christmas

A big fat, well lubricated with juices dripping down her thighs rare turkey will be hitting shelves this christmas.

Don’t you just love a Christmas turkey? A nice big fat one? Don’t you just wanna take a big bite and lick up the warm juice with your salivating tongue as it squirts out the side of your mouth? Mmmmmm. Of course you do!

Well, you can’t ignore this rare Turkey

Because this year, there is no such thing as a fresh turkey. All the birds you’ll find in the supermarkets or even your local butcher’s shop will be pre-frozen, yet still sold as fresh.

Yes. It’s true. Due to shortages of Christmas Turkeys following the outbreak of avian flu, and in a grotesque display of unconscionable knavery, supermarkets have been given permission to advertise and sell frozen turkeys as fresh. Bah Humbug!

Turkey’s off

Last week, fowl industry leaders revealed that over 1 billion free-range rare turkeys due to be sold for Christmas have either died, are in animal hospital or have committed suicide as a result of the untimely outbreaks.

However, because this naturally occurring act of God (avian flu, not Christmas) doesn’t suit the multinationals flogging us the dead meat, they, in cahoots with the DEFRA (The Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs) have agreed that they can just re-write the definition of the word ‘fresh’ to mean ‘frozen’ so as not to sustain enormous cash losses this yuletide. You couldn’t make it up. And yet it was made up…

Turkey crime, 1984

Retro-futuristic author and visionary, George Orwell predicted this precise likelihood in his classic 1949 dystopian novel ‘1984’. Referring to the concept of ‘Doublespeak’ – an authoritarian language of his own creation that deliberately obscures, disguises, distorts, or reverses the meaning of words – he insightfully asserts…

“War is peace.

Freedom is slavery.

Frozen is fresh

Ignorance is strength.”

Or something like that?

Happy frozen, dystopian Christmas, folks!

Baddiel & Skinner release Clean Teeth version of Three Lions

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Baddiel & Skinner release Clean Teeth version of Three Lions

It’s Toblerone

It’s Toblerone

With honey!

Football Toblerone

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It’s Toblerone

It’s Toblerone

Its yummy!

Football Toblerone

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Everyone seems to know the score

He’s eaten them before

And you know, your so sure…

That fatty just won’t throw it away

‘Cause he loves milky way

It’s his third one today

But I remember…

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Three Lion Bars on his shirt

Fatty’s teeth still gleaming

Thirty years of Lindt

Never stopped him cleaning

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So many Cokes, so many beers

And all those chocolate smears

Wear them down, through the years

But he still eats those crinkle-cut chips

And those Linekar crisps

They go straight to his hips

And his belly’s aching!

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Three Lion Bars on his shirt

Fatty’s teeth still gleaming

Thirty years of Lindt

Never stopped him cleaning

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It’s Toblerone

It’s Toblerone

With honey!

Football Toblerone