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Wiltshire Council jumps on ‘bandwagon of filth’

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Wiltshire Council jumps on ‘bandwagon of filth’
Wiltshire Council jumps on ‘bandwagon of filth’
Wiltshire Council jumps on ‘bandwagon of filth’

Wiltshire Council in South West England, is jumping on the filthy bandwagon. Tsk! tsk!

Regular readers of the SUFFOLK GAZETTE will remember that in our December issue,.we reported on how filthy Cumbria County Council was enjoying ‘rubbing cum in our faces’ as it renamed its local places of interest with filthy, SEX-related names.

Wilsford cum Lake (which used to be good old ‘Wilsford Lake’) is a civil parish in the Woodford valley in Wiltshire. Wilsford is about 6 miles north of the respectable cathedral town of Salisbury. Misleadingly, there is no cum-filled lake in the parish (it has just been renamed to exploit sex tourists),.but for those interested in rotten corpses, there are some interesting archaeological features in the form of a Neolithic long barrow (burial site) and around 40 Bronze Age round barrows. How riveting.

Bright Young Cock

The only other thing of note in the entire parish is Wilsford House, an early 20th Century erection.(filth!) belonging to the family of  Sir Edward Tennant,.a Scottish politician who was Member of Parliament for Salisbury from 1906 to 1910. Upon his death, the house was inherited by his idle, reclusive son, Stephen Tennant,. who was a leading member of the ‘bright young things’ social set of young aristocrats and socialites who,.in the 1920’s, threw flamboyant fancy dress parties, snorted lots of cocaine, and went on elaborate treasure hunts through nighttime London. Filth!

Our Advice…

Our advice is to f*ck Wiltshire and holiday in beautiful, family-orientated, East Suffolk, where the only cum lakes you will find will be in and around London Road – the area known locally as Ipswich’s red light district.

Filth!

Leiston ‘Wreath theft’ solved

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Leiston ‘Wreath theft’ solved
Leiston ‘Wreath theft’ solved
Leiston ‘Wreath theft’ solved

A gated community in Leiston, Suffolk is celebrating after a ‘theft’ Christmas wreath was returned to its rightful owner.

It all started when Fiona Cruddup (64) who lives in the Heron Close community of apartments woke up one morning last week, excited at the prospect of looking at the wreath she had hung on her front door the day before. After all, what’s the point of hanging a wreath on the outside of your house if you only get a fleeting glance at it as you struggle through the front door with six bags of heavy shopping? If anything, a wreath pressing into your face as you fumble with your keys just gets in the way. Traditionally, a wreath hung on the outside of a front door, is for the viewing pleasure of passing Christians, or postmen, although the latter tend not to visit so much these days. Heathens!

Wha? Wreath theft…

When Mrs Cruddup stepped outside to admire her Christian credentials, she was astounded to find that the wreath was… wait for it… gone. In a panic, Cruddup, a former Miss East Anglia (that was a long time ago) looked around the entrance hall to her flat, waving her arms around a bit, repeatedly mouthing the halfwords ‘wha?’, and ‘whe?’. We asked the slightly slouching, former beauty to tell us what happened next.

“When I realized that the wreath had been stolen, and after I’d waved my arms around a bit, I began to get angry, as you do, and started to mumble lots of very un-Christain words under my breath. Then I dropped to my knees and started to weep, hoping that God or Jesus might hear my cry for help. I waited quite a long time, but nothing happened. It was then that I decided to lie on the carpet and roll around a little, moaning bereftly, but still, nothing happened.”

Christian Gods stay out of it

Through saggy jowls and obvious false teeth, the stunning ex-model explained what she did next. “When I realized neither God nor Jesus were going to do anything about it, I went back inside and slammed the door behind me. Furious, I opened up my lap computer and started to type a message to the thief. I just needed to get the anger out. In the note, I explained how cheesed-off I was and demanded that the wreath theft be returned by latest Xmas eve. The day before Jesus’s birthday.”

In a fit of pique that she later came to regret, the spicy (albeit slightly prune-like) old sort, printed out her message and taped it to her front door using heavy-duty, industrial gaffer tape when a little Blutack or sellotape would surely have been sufficient.

Previous evening

It was only when neighbour, Jill Parsons (21)  from No.32, upstairs came down carrying an identical wreath to the one stolen from Mrs Cruddup that the apparent ‘crime’ was solved. Jill explained to Fiona how when she had returned home from work the previous evening, she was surprised to find that someone had pinned the wreath she was carrying to her front door. After a little head-scratching, the two, between them, realized that Mrs Cruddup (who has been suffering from Alzheimer’s disease for 15 years) had attached her wreath to Jill’s front door.

So it turns out there is a God, and a Jesus after all! Definitely.

A quick guide to buying a used car

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A quick guide to buying a used car
A quick guide to buying a used car
A quick guide to buying a used car

Buying a used car comes with a number of advantages. Not only can you save money on the cost of the car, but you’ll also save some cash on the cover with cheap insurance quotes. Plus, if you buy from a private seller, you could save even more on the asking price, giving you greater flexibility to find a car you really want or with a higher spec. Here, a comparison site, mustard.co.uk, offers advice on what to consider when buying a used car.

Check the car has all its documents

All cars should come with a vehicle logbook, officially called the V5C registration form. The form sets out important details including vehicle identification number (VIN) and registered keeper.

You’ll need the V5C to register and tax the car, so it’s important that the seller has this. You should also check that the VIN, engine number and colour of the car matches the information on the form. If the seller doesn’t have the V5C, they can order a replacement from the Driver & Vehicle Licensing Agency (DVLA).

If you’re buying a car that’s more than three years old, it should also have a valid MOT certificate. If the seller doesn’t have this to hand, you can check its MOT status at

GOV.UK.

Look for damage

If you can, it’s better to view the car during the day. Darker evenings or poor light can mean you miss any signs of damage. Take the time to look for any uneven paint finishes, gaps in paintwork or paint where it shouldn’t be, as this could be an indication of a big repair job.

Small dents and scratches are perfectly normal in used cars sold privately and in most cases, these can be easily repaired. Minor imperfections can also be used as a bargaining tool and can help you negotiate a better price.

Check the mileage

The mileage should be broadly in line with what you’d expect from a car of its age and condition, but you can also do a quick check yourself by looking at past MOT certificates. These will all show the car’s mileage at the time of its MOT so you should see a steady increase each year.

If something seems inconsistent or a little off, finger marks behind the instrument panel and loose screws could suggest the odometer has been tampered with. 

Take the car for a test drive

Test driving the car is really the only way you’ll know if the car is right for you and will give you a chance to check the car from the inside.

Before you get in, have a look at the tread of each of the tyres, they should be fairly uniform in terms of wear. Don’t forget the minimum legal tyre tread depth is 1.6 mm so it’s well worth making sure the tyres have at least 2-3 mm of tread depth left, otherwise you’ll end up replacing them sooner rather than later. Also, make sure that seat belts are intact and show no signs of fraying. You should also be able to buckle up smoothly with no dragging or pulling on the seat belt itself. 

When you get behind the wheel, have a go at the horn, check the lights work and try the handbrake. When you’re on the test drive, listen out for any squeaking when you brake, as this could mean brake pads or discs need replacing. Gears on manual cars should be smooth to transition, again listen out for any odd noises when you change gears, for example, grinding or crunching.

Arrange car insurance for used cars

If you decide to buy a used car, especially from a private seller, remember to arrange car insurance before you drive it home. This might mean leaving the car with the seller while you put a policy in place. If you take the risk and drive it home without appropriate insurance, you can be fined and be given penalty points. If you’re taken to court, you could even be banned from driving.

If you’re in a rush, you can arrange temporary car insurance which can cover you for as little as a day up to a few weeks or even months. This should give you enough time to search and compare quotes so that you have a policy that really fits your needs.

You can start a quote and search from dozens of trusted providers at mustard.co.uk, or speak to an expert on 0330 022 8825.

Roulette: where did it all begin?

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Roulette: where did it all begin?
Roulette: where did it all begin?
Roulette: where did it all begin?

Roulette is a casino classic, a staple in gambling venues which has been around for centuries.

In fact, the primitive forms of Roulette-like games were actually around before the first casino opened in 1638 – a far cry from the digital online Roulette games that are so popular in the modern-day!

We’re talking way back to when the ancient Greeks and Roman soldiers would spin swords, shields and other weapons in between battles, placing bets on the outcome as a way to have fun and unwind.

So, in a way, that’s where Roulette began, but the journey of the wheel we know and love today didn’t begin until 1655…

Blaise Pascal

Accredited for inventing the Roulette wheel, among many other things (like his research towards the calculator), Pascal was a French mathematician and physicist.

In 1655, Pascal attempted to defy physics and create a perpetual motion machine. This failed, but Pascal was also an avid gambler at the time, so his invention didn’t go to waste. Instead, this birthed the primitive version of today’s Roulette wheel.

Francois and Louis Blanc

The next significant milestone for Roulette was when French brothers Francois and Louis Blanc moved to Hamburg, Germany. With a background in casino gaming, the duo sought out ways to help boost the struggling city’s economy.

They did this by ingeniously removing the double zero pocket from the standard Roulette wheel, leaving only the single zero pocket and significantly lowering the house edge.

This variation of the game became increasingly popular, and as word spread, it became known as European Roulette.

The Monte Carlo Casino

It was Francois Blanc, also known as the “Magician of Hamburg” by this time, who was responsible for the building and opening of the famous Monte Carlo Casino in 1865.

After striking a deal with Monaco’s Royal family at the time, Francois played the ultimate game of chance and invested all his money into the casino.

The Casino De Monte Carlo rose in popularity, later becoming known as the first modern casino of its time – featuring the European Roulette wheel at its centre.

Online Roulette

In 1996, the first online casino to allow automated payouts opened. At this time, not many people had access to computers, but those who did, could play a few of the classic games which had only previously been available at land-based casinos.

Roulette was one of the first games available.

Over the next few years, technology developed quicker than ever before, with the invention of mobile phones – upping the demand for greater bandwidth and faster internet speeds.

More people gained access to the internet, and online casinos continued to grow alongside this demand.

The modern day

In the modern-day, playing Roulette online offers an authentic experience, just like you would get if you were playing at a brick-and-mortar establishment.

Not only can you play digital, Random Number Generator (RNG)-run games, but you can play themed variations of Roulette with special features like multipliers.

There’s even the live casino, where a real-life dealer spins the wheel, directly from a specialist studio, in real-time!

—

Roulette has come a long way since the game of chance first made some sort of an appearance in ancient Greek and Roman times. So, do you think you’ll be giving the wheel a spin anytime soon? 

Bungay savages celebrate boxing day hunt with animal mutilations

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Bungay savages celebrate boxing day hunt with animal mutilations
Bungay savages celebrate boxing day with animal mutilations
Boxing Day Bungay hunt

A flock of peasants took to the streets of Bungay, Suffolk yesterday.to welcome the annual Boxing Day hunt parade through the town, despite hunting with dogs being illegal since 2005.

The large gathering of the town’s underworkmen and lowerclasswomen,.bowed their heads and threw their remaining fluff at huntsmen and women – the Waveney Harriers – as they smugly paraded their wealth and savagery, trotting down Bungay High Street at dawn.

Wolf in sheep’s clothing

Despite the celebrations of Bungay Hunt, a handful of protestors waved banners. and complained loudly at the refusal of the hunt to consider them as the quarry (W.C. ‘an animal pursued by a hunter’). This reporter spoke to Craig Gafney, the protestor’s spokesperson. “We have come here today to demand that we be hunted by the horseriding toffs and their beagles. Every year we come here, ready and willing to get down on all fours.and run through the fields for them to chase us, but they always refuse on account of us apparently not being quick enough. Well, I’m sorry but you try it. Running on your hands and knees is not easy y’know, especially through heavy mud, long grass, and thicket.”

Mutton dressed as lamb

Asked why the group’s members wanted to be hunted by the rich,.Gafney replied “Well it’s to reinforce the class structure of the village isn’t it? Us underpeople know our place. We live to serve the upper classes whether it be in our humble shops,.providing them with goods like newspapers, wine, or paraffin, or working for them in their homes for minimum wage, polishing their furniture, building their fires, and drawing their curtains of an evening. All we want is for them to allow us to be hunted by them to show that they respect our place in society as we respect theirs.”

The Bungay Hunt

Ignoring the protestors, the law, and everyone else who had come along to watch, the entitled elite began their hunt with a parp of the bugle and several ‘tally-ho’s.

The banning of hunting with dogs, still allows the ‘simulation’ of hunting where mounted riders hunt an artificially laid scent. This however, is no fun as the real purpose is to corner and catch an innocent furry animal and have your dogs rip it limb from limb.

Everyone knows that this is still what happens during the Bungay hunt.

As they say… you can’t teach an old beagle new tricks.

W.C. = Working Class

Salt Bae wins World Cup of plonkers

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Salt Bae wins World Cup of plonkers
Salt Bae wins World Cup of plonkers
Salt Bae at Qatar Football World cup 2022

Celebrity chef and professional ligger, Salt Bae is the new holder of the World Cup of Plonkers. He won the coveted award in a no-contest after his impressively embarrassing behaviour at the soccer World Cup final in Qatar. 

Salt Bae

The Turkish restaurateur who, judging by the reviews of his food, is better at self-publicity than he is at cooking,.made a complete tit of himself, brilliantly, as the Argentinians celebrated their penalty-kick victory over France on the pitch after the game.

Too much, Salt

In a skillful demonstration of stealing the limelight from the players, Salt Bae, real name Nusret Gökçe,.grabbed hold of the world cup trophy and waved it about in front of bemused soccer fans.in acknowledgment of his achievement of being named the biggest tit at the tournament.

Quite why he was allowed onto the pitch after the game no-one knows,.but considering the entire tournament was built on dodgy money,.one can only assume that a few Qatari Riyals changed hands pitchside.

Sodium odium

Demented Salt Bae, who allegedly extracts the salt he famously uses in his meat dishes from his excessive perspiration,.had hoped to compete for the U.S. Open Cup Soccer tournament’s ‘biggest twonk’ title next year, however, after his antics in Qatar,.the tournament has announced that he is not welcome to attend… so expect to see him pitchside or playing in goal for one of the teams when the competition begins in March 2023.

Thief robs St Mary’s Church on Christmas Eve

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Thief robs St Mary’s Church on Christmas Eve
Thief robs St Mary's Church on Christmas Eve
St Mary’s Church in Old Newton

A cretinous, unchristian, thief targeted the peaceful sanctuary of St Mary’s Church in Old Newton, near Stowmarket on Christmas Eve.

The heinous incident allegedly occurred while the Vicar of Dibley,.was sampling wine in preparation for family communion on 8th January 2023.

According to Suffolk police, an unidentified person tiptoed into the unlocked church at around 10.30pm,.unbeknownst to the Vicar, Revd Mel Carville who was still busy sampling the wine.

Crucifix me a drink

Once inside the church office, the safe was cracked, and churchy-type objects,. such as a 12th-century bible written in cockney rhyming slang, a silver soap dish,. a pewter box containing St.Paul’s toenail clippings, and a golden chalice once belonging to the Queen of Sheba were stolen, right under the nose of Reverend Carville who was still busy tasting the wine.

Suffolk police have asked members of the public, especially those living in rural areas, to be vigilant,.and have issued a description of a suspect of St Mary’s Church robbery, seen acting suspiciously around the time of the theft…

St Mary’s Church suspect

According to one witness, the suspect of St Mary’s Church robbery is a spirit and invisible to the human eye. Others say he is a horned male, aged between 6,000 and 100,000 years old.

Although a master of disguise who sometimes disguises himself as an angel of light,.his true appearance is said to be that of an angry blood-red beast, his head and face wreathed by flowing, tousled black hair.

He has serpents slithering out of his leathery body, mighty dragon-like wings splaying from either side of his crooked spine, and hooves instead of feet. His countenance is terrifying, with twisted features, and razor-sharp fangs splintering out of a barbarous grimace.

He is said to grip souls in each hand, before skewering them on a trident and pitching them into the flames of Hell.

If you see anyone matching this description, please call Crimestoppers on 0800 555 111

Donald Trump launches his own social media app

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Donald Trump launches his own social media app
Donald Trump launches his own social media app
Donald Trump launches his own social media app

After being banned from Twitter, Donald Trump decided to start “Wonder Moron”. It’s the latest social media app where you can order KFC and have a group of drones come over to your house and give you a tattoo of the Swastika.

The only way you can sign up for this social media app is if you order KFC and agree to get the Swastika tattooed on your arm, lower back, and inside your lip. Unfortunately no people of color, democrats, open minded liberals, atheists, free thinkers, or foreigners are allowed on this app.

So you might be wondering, what’s so special about this app? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. No wonder the app is called Wonder Moron. 

Donald Trump app funding

Donald Trump personally tried to get funding from venture capitalist firms in silicon valley but they all declined because they thought the idea was absurd. He even went as far as kidnapping Indian software engineers to build his app for $2 dollars an hour.

Hugh Dennett, a famous British comedian poked fun at Wonder Moron’s slogan which reportedly, Trump himself came up with. The slogan is, “Women are always wondering what you’re thinking about. Don’t tell them, let them keep wondering.”

Is it a threat to Elon Musk?

Dennett later commented saying, “This slogan has nothing to do with his social media app. Is it really a social media app? More like Uber Eats for neonazis. Uber is a German word after all meaning “over”, “above”, or “accross”. The slogan should be, “The rest of the world is always wondering what this moron is thinking about doing next with his outrageous business ventures.”

Lorraine Fisher, 34, a Marketing Expert and Journalist had an extremely private conversation with a person from “Wonder Moron”. This person did not want to reveal themselves so they dressed up The Hulk, painted his body green, and had a voice modifier.

This person was also eating greasy chicken from KFC. During the interview, grease spilled on his voice modifier, which made it malfunction revealing that it was obviously Donald Trump. He was supposed to be green like the hulk but slowly during the interview, he started turning orange like “The Thing” from Fantastic four.

Conclusion

The interview ended abruptly with Trump saying, “When you agree to the terms, a group of drones will deliver a special phone with the app already installed in order to track you. You cannot download it from the app store. Also, you have to pay to use it, which is $500 per month.”

So, will you leave Twitter and move to Wonder Moron?

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