IPSWICH, SUFFOLK – Ipswich Town Council has opted for a tropical Xmas twist in its town center, replacing the traditional Spruce with exotic palm trees.

This year, in its never-ending quest for cultural diversity, the council turned its back on Northern European culture in favour of Middle Eastern tastes. Aiming to add an Arabian flavour to the season’s festivities, the council opted for multiple palm trees instead of the traditional Norway Spruce.

Yuletide logs

At last night’s grand switch-on, council leaders stood aghast as the illuminated palm trees, adorned with festive fairy lights accentuating their unique shape, transformed into 30ft penises, ejaculating sparkling spunk upward into the night sky.

In a classic example of inept planning, lack of forethought, and tiresome virtue-signalling, the council, instead of projecting an image of international yuletide harmony, made the Xmas trees, as well as themselves, look like massive cocks.

Residents, initially excited about the prospect of a unique holiday ambiance, are now finding it hard to keep a straight face. Local comedian Emma Jester quipped, “I always thought Ipswich needed a bit more spice, but this is taking it a bit too far. Kissing under the mistletoe is one thing, but wanking under the Christmas tree is something entirely different.”

Council cancel culture

Town officials, caught off guard by the unexpected controversy, are now brainstorming ways to salvage the holiday display. One idea of adding a couple of coconuts to the palm trees to emphasize their tropical nature was immediately dismissed for obvious reasons, while other loony-lefty-lawyer councillors proposed cancelling Christmas altogether.

The festive faux pas has sparked a heated yet chilly debate in the community. Should local authorities constantly push forward diversity, equity, and inclusion as the best solutions to everything, or would we be better off sticking to what we know works?