A clumsy hacker who accidentally stole some terrible songs by immigrant folk singer Ed Sheeran. Has been jailed despite some people saying he has been punished enough.

Ricky Kwarteng – no relation to Kwasi – mistakenly downloaded the tracks. While he was in fact trying to nab some unreleased recordings by his favourite band – 1970s easy-dreamers, The Carpenters.

Overruled!

The 21-year-old, from Alderton, East Suffolk admitted downloading the Sheeran numbers. But insisted he would never knowingly do such a thing as he believed the Framlingham-based singer’s music to be ‘Derivative commercial tripe. Which itself has been recycled from far superior classic artiste’s pre-existing work.’ When Sheeran’s lawyers objected to this in court, Judge Sir Robin Roth overruled.

Kwarteng’s defence lawyer told the court that having found himself with 14 unwanted such recordings. His client decided to “get rid of them as soon as possible on the dark web.” He eventually managed to do this raising a measly £25 in cryptocurrency. Hardly worth it.

Eating disorder hope

Hit 70’s sibling duo, The Carpenters, who sold over 90 million records and whose hits included: ‘Rainy Days and Mondays’. ‘Yesterday Once More’, and ‘Top of the World’ are officially the most stolen musical artist on the planet. This is put down to the fact that their music forms 65% of all vinyl LP’s held in charity shops across the UK. Well-known hangouts of skinflints, cheapskates, and kleptomaniacs. 

Kwarteng, a trainee marble polisher with learning difficulties, admitted 4 charges. Including copyright infringement, not knowing how to spell ‘Jambalaya’, and possessing other people’s criminally bad-sounding property.