HIGH STREET, IPSWICH – Popular high street bakery chain Greggs has announced the launch of its newest creation: the Hostage Roll.

By Our Norfolk Reporter: Ian Bred

The move comes after PM Keir Starmer’s infamous gaffe during his keynote speech in Liverpool, where he mistakenly called for “the return of the sausages” instead of the hostages, prompting widespread piss-taking – and, apparently, contagion.

“We have customers come in who discuss current affairs while they’re queueing, who often inadvertently refer to Israeli hostages as sausages” said Greggs spokesperson Tina Crumble in a statement released earlier today. “It’s an easy mistake to make. We thought we’d save them the embarrassment. Now, they can confidently order either a Sausage Roll or a Hostage Roll without fear of making an international diplomatic faux pas.”

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The Hostage Roll, described by Crumble as “a taste sensation with a side of geopolitical public humiliation,” is essentially a rebranded version of their classic sausage roll, but with a humorous nod to Starmer’s piss-pronunciation. The bakery chain promises that no actual hostages were involved in the making of the product, though they cheekily recommend their customers “Don’t take them on Palestinian peace marches.”

Meanwhile, Greggs stores across the UK have already reported brisk sales of the new roll, with customers clamouring to “bring back the Hostage Rolls” in what has become an accidental promotional slogan.

While Gregg’s hostage rolls have been released, sausage-lovers worldwide hopefully wait for the day when the real hostages are returned home safely.

Meanwhile: Sniff my sausage: Greggs launches own-brand aftershave