IPSWICH, SUFFOLK – Patrick Thistle, a fat, 54-year-old builder from Ipswich, embarked on a dining escapade that left a trail of heartburn and heartache across town.

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Thistle, renowned for his insatiable appetite and equally boundless pigheadedness, devised an ingenious scheme to enjoy twenty free meals by faking heart attacks in different restaurants, all in a bid to elude settling the bill. Arsehole.

Thistle’s grand gastronomic swindle saw him unleash a rehearsed array of convulsive theatrics while savoring delicacies at various Ipswich eateries. At the end of each meal, he clutched his chest, rolled his eyes, and feigned cardiac distress, much to the horror of fellow diners and the restaurant staff.

Chapati Chomper

However, Thistle’s capers took a heart-stopping turn when, at the twenty-first restaurant he visited, his culinary hubris caught up with him. As he wolfed down his favourite dish: Chicken Jalfrezi with Peas Pilau rice, Keema Naan, chilled Raita yogurt and nine pints of Holsten Pils lager, a genuine heart attack struck, leaving him gasping for breath and clutching his chest in earnest. Ha ha.

Farted then departed

Paramedics arrived swiftly but, alas, Thistle’s gluttonous adventures met their tragic end as he departed the world for his final meal ticket in the great beyond.

Restaurant owners and staff across Ipswich had the last laugh when they collectively recovered their long-lost bills from Thistle’s sink estate. Some even raised a glass to the man who had tried to con them, but ultimately paid the price for his voracious appetite and pig-faced greed.

As Thistle’s escapades come to an overindulgent end, Ipswich diners can breathe a sigh of relief, and restaurant owners can rest easy, knowing that their establishments are safe from the antics of the legendary builder with an appetite for deception.

The moral of the story? Sometimes, karma serves the last dish, and it’s a dish best-served cold.