LOWESTOFT, SUFFOLK –  In an event that has left residents of Lowestoft, Suffolk in a state of awe and bewilderment, and stunned believers worldwide, God made a spectacular appearance over the seaside town yesterday.

Religious Affairs Reporter: Rev Evan Elpus

Descending from the heavens in the form of a colossal cumulus cloud towering 200 feet high, the Almighty’s presence cast a divine aura over the promenade, captivating all who beheld the celestial sight.

In a display reminiscent of biblical times, the Lord Almighty spoke to the people of Lowestoft in a resounding, booming voice that reverberated across the coastal landscape. Gusts of godly wind swept through the air as the divine message echoed throughout the town.

Gods love for Lowestoft Suffolk

“My beloved people of Lowestoft,” the voice intoned, “heed my divine decree. I care not for your lavish offerings or grandiose displays of piety. No, I implore you to prioritize cleanliness upon your sacred shores. Let not fag butts nor empty beer cans defile the sands where my creation meets the sea.”

The divine proclamation continued, urging the townsfolk to forsake their earthly vices and instead focus on spiritual matters. “And while you’re at it, perhaps a visit to my humble abode wouldn’t go amiss, once in a blue moon. For it’s not your prayers I seek, but your presence in my house of worship.”

Pissed off

Concluding his divine message with the words “So, let us join hands in keeping both your earthly and spiritual realms pristine. Go forth, and sin no more, you dirty bastards!”, the supreme being gradually dissipated into the azure sky, leaving behind a sense of wonder and introspection among the residents of Lowestoft.

Whether this celestial visitation will inspire lasting change in the seaside town remains to be seen, but for now, the echoes of the Almighty’s words linger in the hearts and minds of all who witnessed the miraculous, frankly unbelievable event.

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