WESTMINSTER, UK – Leaked details of the Conservative Party’s next election manifesto suggest the next election battle will be utterly brutal.

The document allegedly vows to “cut all homeless people in half by 2025.” Whether this is a poorly articulated but benign pledge to reduce homelessness, or a dark and literal threat has yet to be clarified. However, homeless people up and down the country will fear it is an accurate and chilling indication of Tory plans for sadistic social reform.

Caucus carcass

As uncertainty swirls around the Conservative Party’s true intentions, critics have pounced on the ambiguous wording, accusing the government of either callous indifference or a gruesome plan to physically sever the homeless population in two. The leaked manifesto has sparked outrage, with opponents lambasting the Tories as ‘psychopathic’ and ‘merciless’.

Heartless, inhumane bastards

The Conservatives, attempting damage control, issued a statement dismissing the interpretation of a literal “cutting in half” – technically a ‘hemicorporectomy’ – as absurd and assured the public that the commitment was to reduce homelessness through policy measures, not murder. However, the damage may already be done, with opposition parties seizing on the opportunity to paint the Tories as heartless, inhumane bastards… which is easily done.

Nasty Next Elections

As the political landscape becomes more and more surreal, it remains to be seen whether this leaked manifesto detail will be explained away as an unfortunate linguistic blunder or a sinister revelation of the ‘Nasty’ Party’s true intentions. Either way, the pledge to “cut all homeless people in half by 2025” is likely to resemble an electoral bloodbath.