Help! My Brussels have been eaten by some virulent variety of Old English slugs (Borisium Nigellus) and my Romaine lettuce has also been destroyed, along with the French beans.

What is going on? My head is spinning as it does after a night on the Aspall Cyder.

My garden labourer, old Mr Corbyn, says it’s not his fault. And Messrs Cameron and Osborne, to whom I pay the ground rent for the land, through the estate agents Bulling Don-Boyce, are sipping Champagne at their country mansions and making plans to flee the country. Word is in the village that they are deep in debt and may have to sell my allotment to Mr Putin, who will probably put cheap invasive mint all over it.

My gardener, Mr Corbyn

So where does all this destruction leave us gardeners?

Well, we need to find the bottle opener and focus on the fuschia.

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Meanwhile, I was voted in as chairwoman of the Women’s Institute, a role I have always cosseted as it puts me in charge of the Vegetable and Flower show, into which I have promised to plough in £350m a week.

I won fairly and squarely, but Mrs Glasto said we needed a fresh vote as she says I’m an old slapper. I wouldn’t mind but she’s never been involved with the institute and hadn’t even registered to vote!

So all is not well In My Lady Garden. What with the slugs and rain all I’ve been doing is deadheading the roses and watching my penstemons pop out.

English slugs have destroyed my Brussels and French beans

Your tomatoes should be flowering nicely now. If your truss is a bit heavy you may need a stick to keep it upright. My sweet peas are coming on well, but you need to keep removing the dead pods to encourage more blooms.

My veg peas are also developing. There is nothing like a good pea after a pint of Adnams and a snowball.

Jobs to do this week

* Sow primrose and pansies in the greenhouse ready for Autumn planting.
* Apply for a passport to Ireland.
* Keep an eye on your Scotch Bonnet chillies to make sure they don’t take over the plot.

Your problems answered

* George O: Yes I would stay in the shed until the storms pass. Then protect yourself with that rusty old pitchfork.
* Mr Putin from Peasinghall: I know it’s difficult but if you do piss yourself laughing try not to do it on the lawn or it will leave a nasty mark
* Mrs Hodge from Dagenham: Yes a good clear out is needed now. uproot all the weeds and replace with something that will bring harmony to the borders. I would go for a hybrid rather than a pedigree specimen. Good luck!

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