Emergency planet Earth! Humans beware! The Earth’s core is slowing down compared to its mantle. What does that mean? I don’t know but here are the facts…

Planet Earth is not, as most people believe, just a round ball floating in space. Earth is in fact, an elipsoid (W.C. ‘squashed orb’) revolving in gravitational suspension within a complex solar system comprising several other planets which yen around a flaming yellow ball in the middle called ‘the sun’.

Crust around Uranus

Our planet, has several layers – think of a creme egg mixed with an onion. At its centre, is the solid core. This is like the hazelnut in a Cadbury’s Hazel in caramel, but made of iron and nickel. Outside the solid core is the liquid inner core which is like the white bit in a crème egg.

Then comes the mantle – a layer of solid rock – a bit like a Softmint that’s been left in your car overnight. The final, outer layer is called the crust. This is the bit we live on, which is ironic, because many people think that life is shit, just like the crusty skids most of us leave in our underwear after a long day at work, or a heavy night out on the town.

Earth’s core is slowing down?

The boffin scientists’ warning, however, should be taken seriously – even by people like us who don’t understand what they are talking about. Why? I don’t know but if one part of the earth is spinning more slowly than another, even I can work out that that’s bad.

It sounds a bit like when your drunk and you turn your head too quickly and your brain goes one way, while you’re going another.

Saturn did nothing

But don’t worry, apparently this happens every decade or so. Not that most humans would know anything about it. Most of us don’t even know the names of the counties bordering the one we live in, let alone the physics of the planet we live on. I mean it’s only our home planet ffs, why should we bother to learn anything about it?

So don’t worry. There’s nothing you can do about it anyway. Unless?…

Next Tuesday at 10am, everybody run due east for 30 minutes. If we all do it at the same time, maybe we can correct the spinning problem. I’ll do it if you will. Come on! Let’s save the planet… together!

W.C. = Working Class