LOWESTOFT COUNCIL CAR POUND, SUFFOLK – After a run-in with a zealous traffic warden, Suffolk layabout, Edmund Spink responded to the unwelcome addition of a wheel clamp, by scrawling a blunt message across the beleaguered vehicle: “f***ing keep it.”

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

Spink’s 2014 silver Daewoo Matiz, a vehicle teetering on the brink of automotive oblivion, has seen better days, with a laundry list of repairs resembling a car mechanic’s wet dream.

In a moment of calculated decision-making, After calculating that the cost of liberating his beleaguered automobile from the pound. Was a princely ransom of £100 – nearly double the vehicle’s market value – Spink decided to cut his losses.

Couldn’t car less

Sources close to the unemployed petty criminal reveal that this isn’t Spink’s first tango with parking violations. Records indicate an impressive tally of 32 unpaid parking fines. Making him a bona fide parking outlaw and blight on society.

Traffic warden ruled out

Spink’s couldn’t-care-less approach to his parking responsibilities has been characterized by some as typifying the decline in British civil standards. Lowestoft resident Thomas Crinch, chair of the campaign group Residents Against Everything (RAGE) said: “BLOODY CHEEK! I didn’t spend six months caged in a bamboo pen in a Japanese P.O.W camp. Wearing nothing but my underpants, socks and stocking suspenders just so DELINQUENTS like Spink can go around parking their automobiles here.Tthere and everywhere WILLY NILLY! D’YA HEAR?! It was 3 months.”

Usual suspects

For others, Spink’s automotive masterpiece has become a symbol of rebellion against unfair parking fines. Several locals polled by the SUFFOLK GAZETTE on Lowestoft High Street viewed local thug Spink as something of a working-class hero. Despite the fact that he doesn’t work. Most of those who commented, however,  appeared to be anarchists, communists or students so we shouldn’t take what they say too seriously.