German logistics company, DHL has added a new premium two-wheeled express mail service to its offering.

Following demands by customers in the UK, the German company, headquartered in Bonn, Germany agreed to introduce the service, which it hopes will improve delivery times to hard-to-reach, rural locations.

Britain, which has the road network of a medieval, third-world country, is famous for not being the country it used to be. It is somewhat humiliating for a nation that led the industrial revolution and brought into existence many of history’s most important technologies and engineering innovations, to have to rely on German white van men to get Deidre Smith’s pastry cutters delivered to her in the small Suffolk village of Little Wratting on the A143 near Haverhill in a timely fashion – or indeed at all.

Hermann Gö-ring road

The potholes on Britain’s roads would have made the German Luftwaffe bomber pilots proud. Driving around Suffolk, or indeed any part of modern Britain is like driving on the surface of the moon, only with greater gravitational force on your shock absorbers. British moles no longer have to dig their own holes, motorists do it for them. One would have thought that British engineers (are there still such things?) working with town planners and Highways England, could come up with a material more robust and fit for purpose than the blancmange they seem to be using to fill the endless holes pockmarking the nation’s dilapidated roads.

Gravel is advised

To successfully travel the disreputable roads of the UK, British motorists must now attain qualifications in advanced driving, tightrope walking, and abseiling and that’s just to get to the end of the road. If a country lane must be navigated, the packing of four spare tyres, a hydraulic jack or winch, and an industrial bag of gravel is advised before leaving home.

The new DHL express mail service

To its credit, DHL is offering training in two-wheeled driving on weekends and evenings to help the pathetic people of the UK solve this problem of their own making.

CEO of Deutsche Post DHL Group, Frank Appel, spoke to the SUFFOLK GAZETTE from his office in Bonn, Germany. He told this reporter “You are velcome. Vorsprung durch Technik. Ve still carnt belief sat you beat us in ze secont vorld vor.”