SUBURBAN SUFFOLK – In a humiliating retreat back to the bucolic serenity of Bumble’s Green, Suffolk, ex-Tory MP Jeremy Hackett has traded his parliamentary seat for a garden bench.

Defeated in Thursday’s General Election by Labour, Jeremy Hackett was seen heading back to his country home, where he intends to spend his early post-political life “chillin’”. When asked by the SUFFOLK GAZETTE about his future plans, Jeremy Hackett replied, “Hooooooshhhh. All I want to do right now is relax in the peace and quiet of my lovely garden, smoke a massive spliff, and quietly consider my future.”

This vision of relaxation and contemplation contrasts sharply with the plight of his former colleagues, who now face the harsh reality of unemployment. But fear not, for a leaked Westminster document reveals that defeated Tory MPs are set to receive taxpayer-funded assistance to transition back into the real world. The proposed “career transition” scheme, designed to cushion the blow of losing a seat, offers these beleaguered ex-politicians free career coaching, including advice on writing a CV—because, apparently, being an MP doesn’t provide enough transferable skills.

Vote Green

Jeremy Hackett, who once eloquently debated the merits of fiscal responsibility, may soon find himself in a workshop learning how to format his accomplishments into a two-page resume. The career transition scheme promises to help these former MPs identify their transferable skills, although one might argue that their unique expertise in avoiding straight answers might not be as valued outside Westminster.

As Jeremy Hackett enjoys his time getting high in the countryside, contemplating whether to delve into consultancy or perhaps write a memoir, his fellow ousted MPs can look forward to “on-demand” career coaching and access to networking opportunities.

This initiative, costing taxpayers an undisclosed sum, aims to ensure that these former lawmakers don’t languish in the unemployment line for long. With their parliamentary careers behind them, the transition back into everyday life promises to be as smooth as the smoke rings from Hackett’s bifter.

Meanwhile: Bury residents accuse Tory council of ‘dirty business’