OUSDEN, SUFFOLK – In the quiet Suffolk village of Ousden, a new carpet shop has sparked both excitement and outrage with its risque name.

By Our Norfolk Reporter: Ian Bred

Carpet shop owner Valerie Doubleton, the mastermind behind the eyebrow-raising Cunty Carpets, explained that the name was inspired by the deep, luxurious shag-pile carpets that are the shop’s speciality.

Valerie described the essence of Cunty Carpet shop to the SUFFOLK GAZETTE. “Our luxury products are made from the highest quality wool, spun from the fleece of sheep, camels, goats, or llamas. We also use silk threads, which are delicate yet strong. When customers run their hands through our shag, they instantly feel the decadence and romance. Some might even say it’s a bit bushy,” she said with a knowing smile.

Plush blush

The plush, opulent feel of Cunty Carpet shop’s offerings has indeed enchanted many customers, who revel in the tactile experience of the premium products. “It’s not just a carpet,” Valerie insists. “It’s an experience, a touch of luxury in every room.”

However, not everyone in Suffolk is impressed. Retired army Major Brian Panhandle-Smythe DSO CIE, chair of the Ipswich chapter of the campaign group Residents Against Everything (RAGE), has voiced his staunch opposition. “IT’S DISGUSTING!” he thundered. “During the blitz, we only had threadbare rugs to sit on. Hard as stone, but did we complain? NEVER! Decent folk around here are DISGUSTED by the idea of sticking their fingers in a cunty carpet, regardless of the depth of it’s shag. D’YA HEAR?”

Carpet shop sales

As the controversy rages on, Cunty Carpets continues to attract curious customers and disapproving glances in equal measure. Whether it’s the allure of luxury or the shock factor of the name, Valerie Doubleton’s venture is certainly putting Ousden on the map. As they say in the business, all publicity is good publicity – even if it comes with a side of scandal.

Meanwhile: Coc’n’nuts bouncy castle fit for a king dong